Thursday, February 5, 2015

Suits Power Rankings - Respect

Let's face it. All that really happened last week was Louis becoming a name partner. Yes, there were ups and downs and highs and lows in between there, but it only lead to possibilities of other things happening. Instead of a quick recap, I want to focus on some career advice for all the young go-hards out there. Something that Suits has taught me is that hotshot lawyers (and likely just hotshots in general) love rooftops. It's where business gets done. I know there are a lot of people currently struggling to find jobs. May I suggest hanging out on a rooftop and waiting for name partners to have high level conversations? I mean, it doesn't happen often, but the rooftop probably can get some sort of Wifi, so it's basically just as effective as hanging out in your Mom's basement, and you get some fresh air. It's truly a win-win situation. Now, let's move onto this week's rankings where things get a little kinky:

1. Mike Ross - Mike has gotten much tougher this season. He's no longer being shit upon like he's an actress in a German film. Instead, he's fighting back against people if he feels they are not making the right decisions. He convinced Harvey to take the case and was such a hardass on Professor Girard that he breaks him before he testifies. That's some strong lawyerin' right there. Then Mike puts poor Ian in his place for trying to buy a grade. He really took no prisoners and was correct in every one of his calls. If he keeps this up, it's just a matter of time before it's Pearson Specter Litt Malone Gunderson Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - She takes the high road in dealing with Louis who continually shits on her (metaphorically). Rachel finds the one thing that can save Louis with Joan Walsh, and she shoves it in his stupid face. Both Mike and Rachel showed much stronger characteristics, so maybe they can be the dynamic duo of lawyers without law degrees. Although the law may disagree, being a lawyer is not about getting a degree and passing the Bar; it's about the fire that burns inside of you to break people's wills (and usually the law as well) while looking fancy and making references to movies. Rachel gets it, and she's on her way to the top.

3. Harvey Specter - He always wanted the respect of Professor Girard. But Harvey couldn't savor his old professor asking him for help, because he was only doing it because Harvey wins, not because he is a good lawyer. Yes, those are somehow two separate things in this world where lawyers love to play by their own rules. Harvey eventually takes the case, because Girard may be a dick, but he's an honorable dick, like if Ron Jeremy's penis somehow got a law degree. Unfortunately, it turns out he's more like a part of Cytherea's cleanup crew, a scumbag. Harvey finally gets Henry Girard's respect, which is all he really wanted, but he paid $25,000 to get it. You can't buy respect; you've got to earn it. Did he learn nothing from Top Gun?

4. Garrett Brady - Garrett Brady is a fascinating character. He paid off TSA agents to get classified information in order to take down Gerard. What we know is that Girard was innocent of any wrongdoing in regards to the case, but Brady obsessively stalked down Professor Girard's comings and goings and questioned everyone until he could find a nugget that he would pay for to bring him down. Since there was no evidence, he did all of this on a hunch. If these power rankings were for detective work, he would deserve a spot at the top, but this is for lawyers, and he still lost the case (but wisely did not buy Harvey any falafel), so he could only go so high on this list.

5. Professor Henry Girard - This guy is basically the worst poker player ever. He doesn't even know how many Queens are in a deck, so nobody is ever going to buy his story that he won his money gambling. Instead, he won it the old fashioned way, as part of a bribe from one of his students. He didn't stop victims from getting paid, so he is ethical, but he also changed a student's grade for money, so he's not ethical? This reminds me of the classic law case, Black v. White. In the settlement, both sides compromised and agreed to a "gray" area. Either way, Girard ended up with his money, and he can still act high and mighty about his ethics.

6. Jeff Malone - Picked up takeout food by himself, and got full credit for cooking a meal. That's efficiency right there. It must have felt like that 1989-90 season where he had his highest player efficiency rating of 18.5. Ah, the good ol' days.

7. Donna Paulsen - Donna is the sensible one. She tries talking sense into Harvey, but his feelings were hurt that his old professor didn't like him. Then she steals a client from him to give to Louis. She then calls Louis "fatty baldy" in what has to be the worst insult of all time. I would expect wit sharp enough to cut diamonds from Donna. Instead her wit was so stinky, the only thing she was cutting was cheese. Still, Donna is all about the team, and she has to put Louis in his place to teach him a valuable lesson. She had some swagger back, but her insult game still needs work.

8. Jessica Pearson - I could throw Jessica under the bus for succumbing to Louis's demands in order to keep her relationship, because there is really no reason for Louis to expose Mike's secret to anyone else, because he would also be exposed to criminal charges, but whatever. Instead, here are things Jessica likes: Rooftop meetings, a Cuban restaurant, and paper plates. It seems she also likes Jeff Malone, but she may just like wearing his old Washington Bullets jersey as a nighty.

9. Joan Walsh - Joan loves dogs and lawyer jokes, but she does not appreciate stupidity, and Louis brought that in abundance to their dinner. Still, Joan has some serious self-esteem issues. Jessica gave her to name partner Harvey who later gave her to name partner Louis. It has only happened twice, and you still got switched to a name partner. You're a wonderful woman, Joan, and I'd love to have a fancy dinner with you (as long as you pick up the check). 

10. Louis Marlo Litt - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last week, he was number one, and now the only person lower than him can't even pass a college course in law. Louis really wanted the Girard case, but Girard wanted a lawyer who wouldn't play by the rules. It's a lesson that Louis is still learning as the only reason he became a partner is due to his shady backroom dealings. Since Louis can't get Girard, he settles for Joan Walsh, who he promises to impress with legal domination. Unfortunately, he instead of just enjoying a lovely dinner with a friendly client, he performs metaphorical bestiality and screws the pooch by sharing too much information with the board of directors. His only boss move was making Rachel get up to hand him the files, but even that gets cancelled out as he needs her help to clean up his mess. 

11. Ian - He gets punked out by Mike Ross. Looks like another year of law school for you, nerd. 

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