Thursday, February 25, 2010

Random Thoughts

I am now positive that Matt Gatens doesn't give two shits about this season. I wish I could blame him.

Right now, Archer is the funniest show on television. Also, if you are on Twitter, I would highly recommend following Sterling Archer @codenameduchess

She's Out Of My League will probably be a good movie due to the fact that it made theaters without any real celebrities in it. That's always a good sign.

I don't believe in Bulaga as a first round pick. He wasn't Iowa's best offensive lineman this year (Riley Reiff was), and I would worry about what people are expecting from him.

I LOVE Dace Richardson as a late round pick. He was owning people before he got hurt, and he has the athleticism to be a great guard in the NFL.

After reading the book, Into Thin Air, I realized that I have no desire to ever climb Mt. Everest. It just seems like an awful experience (and that's even if a third of the people in the book didn't die trying).

John Shurna looks like a mentally handicapped kid with muscular dystrophy. Take that Northwestern.

Last, I'm extremely curious who's all reading this, so if you haven't talked to me about it, let me know. Drop me a message, leave a comment, or join total badasses Scott Burdsall, Kevin Foley, Tony Sims, and Jim Swanson as followers.

-Joe

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Bad Guys Won Book Review

This is a book about the 1986 New York Mets that beat the Boston Red Sox in the World Series that year. It's a pretty good book, and here's some of my quick thoughts on it:

The Scum Bunch is awesome. This is a group comprised of Jesse Orosco, Danny Heep, and Doug Sisk who drank heavily and tried to corrupt as many of their teammates as possible. They were successful in most cases.
They were part of the reason that Tim Teufel, who was known as one of the nicest guys on the team, celebrated the birth of his first child by getting in a bar fight...with cops.

It became pretty clear that the author absolutely hated Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden.
He kept bringing up the fact that Darryl was an asshole when he was drunk (who isn't?), and how he was selfish. He then barely touched on how low-level employees of the team absolutely loved the guy and thought he was one of the nicest guys they've met.
Meanwhile, he hated Dwight Gooden for not playing well on the field when Gooden was one of the 5 best pitchers in the league that year. Still, since he wasn't as dominant as the year before, Pearlman lambasted Gooden for not trying hard enough.

Just a side note, Darryl Strawberry liked big women back in the day.

The highlights of the book involved Lenny Dykstra and Kevin Mitchell.

"Lenny Dykstra, after signing hundreds of baseballs had a fat woman walk up, and he snapped, 'Lady, you are too fuckin' fat for me to sign this thing for you!'"

But Kevin Mitchell was definitely my favorite character, because he was a straight up G. Also, he's not great with historical landmarks.

Mitchell: What is that thing?
Clubhouse Manager: You mean the Statue of Liberty?
Mitchell: Holy Shit! You mean to tell me the Statue of Liberty is here in New York? I’ve got to call my brother and tell him.

He was in an interview where he said, "I ain’t never used drugs in my life. I’m high off sex and I’m high off life." Good for him.

And finally, him and Strawberry were coming up with the Mets at the same time. In Spring Training, some of the Mets played basketball, and Darryl was acting like a bitch, so Kevin Mitchell punched him in the face. As Strawberry was bleeding, he threatened that the Mets would release him since he just punched the Mets #1 pick in the face. Mitchell didn't know that he had just hit THE Darryl Strawberry until that, but when he found out, did he apologize? Hell no. He went back to where he was staying to get a baseball bat so he could murder him. Luckily the other Mets got Strawberry out of there before Mitchell returned.

So yeah, it's a pretty entertaining book that does a solid job of covering things. I would have rather heard more partying stories, but it's still a good read. Also, they tried to blatantly rip off the Super Bowl Shuffle:


They Got The Teamwork To Make The Dream Work

-Joe

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Silly Cyclones, Championships Are For Hawkeyes

Iowa State's Swim Team That Helped Them Win The Cy-Hawk Trophy


Yesterday, I found out that Iowa State had won the Hy-Vee Cy-Hawk Trophy. Congratulations Cyclones, you won a trophy nobody cares about. The Hy-Vee Cy-Hawk Trophy is an absolute joke as it gives credit to sports that nobody cares about.

It awards three points to football, and two points to ALL other sports. Let's face it, there are four sports that should count in the state of Iowa, football, basketball, wrestling, and baseball. Otherwise, nobody gives a shit. Hence, I am creating the Hott Joe Iowa Domination Trophy that only includes the four major sports. Let's go over the results:

Football - Iowa 35, Iowa State 3
An absolute beatdown, highlighted by this man:


Score - Hawkeyes 2, Cyclones 0

Men's Basketball - Iowa State 81, Iowa 71
Nice job, Cyclones, you beat a team that plays John Lickliter, but you still couldn't beat the spread. What pussies.

Score - Hawkeyes 2, Cyclones 1

Wrestling - This is where things get interesting as Iowa has beaten Iowa State not once, but twice already this season by scores of 18-16 and 19-12 (They sound close only because Iowa did not have some of their starters during those meets). Not only did they win these two dual meets, but they also dominated the Midlands Tournament that Iowa State participated in. That is three beatdowns of the Cyclones so far this year, and let's face it, another one is coming at the NCAA Tournament, because the Hawkeyes are going to win another National Championship. I'll give them that point too since it's a foregone conclusion.

Score - Hawkeyes 6, Cyclones 1

Men's Baseball - Oh, that's right, Iowa State lost their program because of Title IX. Sounds like another one for the good guys.

Score - Hawkeyes 7, Cyclones 1

Not surprisingly, Iowa dominated, but even this domination is going to pale in comparison to what is about to happen to the Cyclones. With how shitty Iowa State is at everything, they really don't belong in a real conference like the Big 12. Once the Big Ten takes whatever team(s) they want, Iowa State will probably be forced to join the Missouri Valley Conference (MAC if they're lucky). I can't wait for the battle for ISU, Iowa State vs. Illinois State.

Damn it feels good to be a Hawkeye.

-Joe

P.S. I looked up Iowa Hawkeye Girls and Iowa State Cyclone Girls on Google Images. Most of the pictures for Iowa had tits prominently involved, most of the pictures for ISU had Iowa State's football team involved.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Best Internet Videos Ever

Everything is going viral these days, and some videos absolutely blow up to great internet phenomenon for no great reason. There is nothing redeeming about Two Girls, One Cup, but still, just about everybody I know has seen it. Now, why did this become more popular than videos of a guy nailing his testicles to a wooden board? How did this video blow up instead of a scene where a priest runs around in a meadow and then takes a dump in a nun's mouth? I don't know.

What I wanted to address were two videos that never got very popular but that are probably two of the funniest videos on the internet.

First, the videos come from Canada, always a good sign. Second, they are supposed to be public service announcements. Fantastic. Finally, they are about domestic abuse, and they go WAY over the top to make their point. I would put a disclaimer that I think domestic abuse against women is wrong, but if you think that I am advocating beating up women, then you're a goddamned moron. Still, simulated violence against women can be hilarious.

VIDEO 1:
This first video takes place in an office setting. So the meeting is going on, and the main fellow believes that the numbers are wrong on the presentation. He tries to correct, but then he is rudely interrupted by the lady sitting nearby. His reaction is understandable.



At about 8 seconds in, he gives her the glare of the beast. In the wild, this female would know to scamper away to avoid harm. Instead she sits there smugly. Bad move office lady, very bad move. Our guy decides to let her know to never correct him in public, so he bashes her head against the desk. Standard procedure. Then he asks a great question, "Who do you think you are, you ignorant cow?"

Since she does not respond to his question, he throws her down to shake some brain activity in her. When this does not work, he is left to do the only thing he can think of, spike a stapler on her limp body.

Most people would think that is the end of the greatness, but they would be wrong. After spiking the stapler, he fixes his tie and adjusts his pants, because he knows that he is a man of style and does not want to look like a slob after laying the smack down.

VIDEO 2:
Video 2 is actually titled, Hilarious Domestic Violence PSA, so this makes me feel a ton better about not being a bad person.

We are at a restaurant where a father is having brunch with his three kids. He compliments his youngest daughter on what a great job she is doing on her picture. Clearly, this is a great guy, and he would never harm anyone, unless he is provoked of course. This waitress decided to test her luck. She pours him some more coffee, and is absolutely careless when pouring it into his cup. He tries to suppress his anger as he states, "She spilled my coffee." This is the moment where the youngest daughter puts on a sad face, because she knows what is about to come. The waitress decides to patronize him and gives a half-hearted apology. The father is not impressed, and he responds with this:


"You fucking bitch."

He puts her in a full-on rape choke, and offers her some coffee...on her chest. She spilled coffee, he spilled coffee - that would seem to make things even, but this father is a winner. He had to one-up her, so he gives her the old backhand across the face and lets her lay in a puddle of coffee and womanly fluids.

And just like our first main guy, this father knows that he must remain stylish. So he quietly sits in his seat and fixes his hair to enjoy the rest of his meal.

Why have these videos not blown up? No idea, but they need to be shared with the world; it may be the best thing to come out of Canada since Georges St. Pierre. Also, if you'd like to learn more about their cause, visit their website at Homefront Calgary.

-Joe

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Quick UFC Picks

Brian Foster over Chris Lytle - I don't think Lytle will be able to stop the takedowns.

Goran Reljic over CB Dollaway - Goran has taken two years off which is bad, but he can definitely win on the feet and he thinks his jiu jitsu is his strongest point so not a good matchup for Dollaway.

James Te Huna over Igor Pokrajac - Te Huna should be able to take him down and win a unanimous decision.

Mirko Crocop over Late Replacement - I didn't even look up the guy's name, but he just found out about the fight two days ago, so Crocop should be able to dominate.

Stephan Bonnar over Krystof Soszynski - I like Bonnar to bounce back from an awful performance in his last fight.

Joe Stevenson over George Sotiropoulos - I think Stevenson will be able to get top control and pound out a victory.

Wanderlei Silva over Michael Bisping - I could never bet against Wanderlei, and Silva was close against Rich Franklin which I don't think Bisping could pull off. Wandy knockout.

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira over Cain Velasquez - I keep going back and forth on this match, but Nog is one of my favorite fighters and I think he'll be able to throw enough at him to win the match.

And done.

-Joe

Thursday, February 18, 2010

DA BULLS

The NBA Trade Deadline has come and gone, and the Bulls are in better shape today than they were yesterday. Yes, they're probably worse for this season, but not by an awful amount.

The first trade was dumping John Salmons for Joe Alexander and Hakim Warrick. Yeah, those guys pretty well suck, but Salmons had an option for next season that he was definitely going to exercise, so the Bulls needed to find a way to get rid of him despite him being a solid player. It's two expiring contracts, so it's really exactly what the Bulls needed to pull off in a trade for Salmons.

The other trade hurts. The most exciting player in the NBA, Tyrus Thomas, was traded to Charlotte for Acie Law, Flip Thomas, and a future first round pick. The contracts, again, are expiring, so that's really what the Bulls were looking for as well as adding future talent which the first round pick helps with. It really sucks to see Tyrus go, but he was never going to be good for the Bulls. The worst coach in the NBA, Vinny Del Negro, and him never got along, and the Bulls weren't going to make much of an offer to Tyrus this summer because of that. If the Bulls had manged to get Mike D'Antoni, Tyrus Thomas would probably be as productive as Shawn Marion was in his prime, but there's no going back now. This trade's biggest impact on my life is that the Charlotte Bobcats become my third favorite team in the NBA, behind the Bulls and the Thunder. They now have my two favorite former Bulls in Tyrus Thomas and Tyson Chandler. Maybe the Bulls should stop drafting guys named Ty (or James Johnson for that matter).

What the trade means is that the Bulls can, without a doubt, max out one player this offseason. I am the eternal optimist, and I don't see why they can't get two of the free agents available. Basically, they'd just need to get rid of Hinrich or Deng. Now, in my dream world, the Bulls will pursue LeBron and Bosh. If you're Toronto or Cleveland, don't you have to jump at the chance to pull off a sign and trade to get either Hinrich or Deng. Cleveland could put Deng in LeBron's spot, and probably only lose 20 more games. That's a great trade for them. So the starting five of the 2011 NBA Champions will be Joakim Noah, Chris Bosh, LeBron James, Kirk Hinrich, and Derrick Rose. But clearly Vinny Del Negro cannot lead these guys, so who should they get to coach? Well, there's a lot of teams that have tried to lure him out of the NCAA for NBA jobs, but he has always turned them down, but with this talent, I think they can manage to get this iconic coach to lead these guys. You know who I'm talking about...
The Man, The Myth, The Hair

Steve Alford will lead them to 82-0 baby. Plus, the Bulls will also have the 6th Man of the Year when they give the league minimum to the man.
THUNDER DOUG!

I'm all boned up over here.

-Joe

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Hawkeyes Basketball

Last night was another incredibly depressing game for the Hawkeyes as they found a way to lose to Michigan 80-78 in Overtime. Some people are complaining about the fact that the Hawkeyes didn't foul with time running down in regulation to avoid Michigan firing a three pointer, but Michigan is not a good three point shooting team so I agree with that call. What angered me about last night's game was on Iowa's possession before when they had a two-point lead and threw it in to Cully Payne. Payne is barely over 50% on free throw attempts this season, and has been awful lately. They should have tried to find any way to get the ball into Gatens with May as a second option. But I digress.

With this Iowa season almost over, I wanted to run down Iowa's roster from my least favorite players to my favorite players. Also, I will always try to end on a positive note.

First, the list of guys who did not qualify for my list: Nick Neari and Devon Archie. I don't think I've seen either of these guys on the court this year, so I really can't comment on them.

9. Andrew Brommer - Brommer loves to foul and hates to be worth a shit. He is slow, awkward, and bad on defense. When he is in, bad things happen for the Hawkeyes, and unlike the next guy, he's a scholarship player.
On the bright side, he appears to be doing well in the classroom.

8. John Lickliter - Todd's kid. He's small, unathletic, and he takes stupid shots. Plus, he is the only Hawkeye that sports the white tee underneath his jersey. Obviously, we wish Anthony Tucker could have handled his alcohol when he is on the floor. But he does give effort.
He is shooting 75% from the line, so we might want him shooting free throws instead of Payne at the end of games.

7. Brennan Cougill - Cougill's outside shooting was a big help in an ugly game at Indiana, but then he thought he was a three point shooter. I do not want anyone taking three point shots that can't jump, so Cougill should not be hanging out behind the arc. Without jumping, it makes him tough to be a great inside presence, but he has shown a little ability to sneak some rebounds when he isn't hanging out in Devan Bawinkel territory.
The good news is he is Iowa's largest player and actually looks like the size of an NCAA big man.

6. Devan Bawinkel - His defense makes Brommer look All-World. He might actually be less athletic than Lickliter. He doesn't move on offense; he just finds a spot and waits.
He can shoot threes. He realizes that's all he can do, and doesn't try to kid himself by doing other things. I can respect that.

5. Cully Payne - Cully really needs to hit free throws. Having a point guard who can't do that is a recipe for defeat. He's inexperienced and that shows a lot of times as he makes some dumb mistakes with turnovers and attempting shots.
But he is pretty damn quick, and he seems to be able to penetrate at will. I'd definitely like to see more of that, especially if he can learn free throws. When he's on the court, Lickliter isn't, so that's also a bonus he has going for him.

4. Jarryd Cole - There really isn't much to say about Cole. He works hard, but he's undersized. He gets into foul trouble, which leads to Brommer minutes. The guy isn't anything special, but if he only had to be a role player, he'd be phenomenal.

3. Matt Gatens - He doesn't look like he's trying out there a lot of times. He takes bad shots, and a lot of times his drives lead him into really bad positions. This was a year where the Hawks needed him to take a big step forward, and it looks like he's regressed.
On the other hand, he is still the most talented player the Hawkeyes have. At times, you'll see glimpses of what he can do on the court, and I think that he will take a big step forward next year when Iowa is able to bring in some more talented players.

2. Aaron Fuller - Although he is our smallest big man, Fuller is probably the best. Nobody crashes the boards better than him, and last night was an awesome example of it. He destroyed everybody on Michigan, and it was awesome. If Fuller were three inches taller, he'd be heading to the NBA. He isn't, so he won't, but he's still a fun Hawkeye to watch.

1. Eric May - The man. May is awesome in so many ways that I don't care that he takes stupid shots a lot of times. He steals the ball, and he could probably block a shot from Manute Bol. He hustles nonstop, and he is by far the most fun Hawkeye to watch this season. When I heard Dan Majerle comparisons early on this season, I was skeptical, but this guy deserves them. He is that awesome.

As bad as the Hawkeyes have been this year, there is talent on this team, and everybody is raving about the incoming class of freshman for next season. I'm actually starting to get excited for the future of Hawkeye basketball. As long as he's given a chance, I think Todd Lickliter will have the Hawks will be in the NCAA Tournament within two years.

If not, I do know of a great guy coaching down in New Mexico...

-Joe

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentine's Day Movie Review

This is a brutal film that nobody should be forced to watch. If they would have forced suspected terrorists to watch this at Guantanamo Bay, the place would have been shut down immediately. Here is a rundown of all the important elements of the movie:

Plot – By my count, nine different Valentine’s Day love stories, which means each story only has to be interesting for approximately ten minutes. All of them fail.

Person You May Have Seen Somewhere Else – Christine Lakin, who played Al from Step By Step (And is now 31 years old), is Jessica Biel’s secretary. My ability to spot characters from TGIF is a tad depressing.

Pointless Character – George Lopez, although he doesn’t come across as a total douche, really doesn’t serve much of a purpose in the movie. He is supposed to be a wise old man who has figured out love, but there are many other ways that the movie could have shown this. Plus it would have cut down how long this atrocity lasted.

Character that was the biggest douche – Lots of douches, here’s the top 5:
1. Ashton Kutcher – A giant pussy.
2. Topher Grace – He’s a tool, like always.
3. Hector Elizondo – Lets his bitch get away with cheating on him; he should have laid the hammer down on her.
4. The turd burglar who didn’t bang his high school girlfriend – for obvious reasons.
5. The little kid – He loves Valentine’s Day, and he whines about absolutely everything. There is no way that kid has any friends, and he’s also probably never seen pro wrestling. If this child were real, his chance of success would not exist.

Hookup that made no sense – You could make a case that none of the relationships really made a whole lot of sense, but that’s not surprising when all the characters were one dimensional. I guess one that stands out is Ashton Kutcher’s dog ditches him for Jessica Alba, and she actually has the gall to take the dog after they break up. Looking back, that was kind of awesome.

Chicks – There were good looking women in the film, but I get kind of bored looking at big-time celebrities unless they are wearing something provocative (lack of clothing also counts as provocative). Nudity would have greatly helped this film. That’s not saying much, because there aren’t many things that could make it worse.

Likeable Character –

With all the shitty people in this movie, I am shocked that they also got Larry Miller to appear in this film. Larry Miller is the King of “Mean Old Guy in Teen Comedies” edging out the prince, Cliff Howard. He has been in such films as Senior Skip Day, Bag Boy, and Ten Things I Hate About You. He is snarky and hilarious, and he totally owns the two minutes that he is on screen. I would expect nothing less from a Teen Comedy Icon.

Best Scene – Ashton Kutcher needs to stop his best friend from getting her heart broken so he goes to the airport before she flies off (what an inventive idea). He is so hurried that he leaves his shoes at the metal detectors so he can stop her. As he runs away, it flashes to what appears to be a retarded, handicapped, 10 year-old girl. That’s right, she has both a physical and mental handicap. As Ashton runs away, she yells, “Mr. Man Forgot His Shoes.” That’s not cute; that’s offensive. The uncomfortable feeling throughout the theater made me laugh.

Why would they do that? – They showed two midgets holding hands for approximately two seconds, and it was just to show midgets in the movie. If you see this and laughed, you should bite the curb.

Blatant Waste of (not consuming) Beer – Me, for not getting black-out drunk before this movie started.

A Better Title Would Have Been – Hey, Look, It’s A Celebrity

This movie was an absolute crime. It had a lazy plot, unsuccessfully went for cheap laughs, and somehow convinced a bunch of shitty famous actors (and Bradley Cooper) to be in the film so people would go see it. If you have seen this unfortunate piece of shit, feel free to contact the writer on Twitter here.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Snowbird Softball Tournament

Although I did not catch it in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, or anywhere on SportsCenter, I'm sure everyone is well aware of what went down at the Snowbird Softball Tournament at the Dugout in beautiful, Davenport, Iowa, this weekend.

Despite the most talented 24 team field in the history of the tournament, one team was able to prove their dominance for a second straight year as Team Stadium Club reigned supreme in this year's tournament.

Many (one) said it was ballsy to go out on a limb and predict a winner for this year's tournament, but I am a ballsy individual and that is why I predicted Team Stadium Club would win it all. But I also did my research.

Any tournament that includes copious amounts of alcohol is going to provide many possible stumbling blocks for even the most fine-tuned team. But this team was built on alcohol, and I knew that would give them a distinct advantage in their games.

I also knew that this team had not seen a bat or glove for months, but these guys are like Allen Iverson: There is no practice necessary.

But this team had many question marks that even I was worried about. Peekenschneider showing his first heterosexual tendencies for years could cause a huge distraction. Danny McKinny now being a married man and taking his wife's name (unconfirmed). And let us not forget the turmoil throughout the dugout after Jason Roy, the manager of Team Stadium Club, made the questionable decision of sending Tony Sims from third in last year's championship game forcing a do-or-die game for all the marbles.

This tournament did not get off to a smooth start on Saturday as a quarter of the team slept in a car the night before after a heavy night of drinking and gambling. But the more they drank, the stronger they got. They plowed through the competition and cruised through the winner's bracket.

But focus was lost going into the first game of the championship. They knew that they would have to be defeated twice to lose their title, and they let their mind wander. Some browsed naked pictures of Peck, others focused on the Daytona 500 where there were heated arguments between who was the best driver, St. Ambrose, Miss Bliss, or Smith Smith.

These distractions led to a shocking loss in the first game, but did these gentleman give up when the chips were down? No, they drank more, and mercy ruled the opposing team in the do-or-die game to retain their title.

The fans went wild, as they couldn't believe the skill of the players before them. I was not shocked. I knew this team was a Team of Destiny. Yes, maybe the Saints helped give the city of New Orleans hope, but this team gave the entire Quad Cities a chance to dream again.

Are these guys heroes? That's for you to decide, but I wouldn't bet against it.

-Joe

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Favorites

I like it when people disagree with me, because that is a surefire way to find out if someone is a moron. I like Natural Light, yet take abuse for having a sophisticated sense of taste. I'm classy, and now I have proof. Because there's another person who loves the smooth flavor of Natural Light, and if you're a true American, there's no way you're talking shit about him.



That's right, Mickey "Motherfucking" Mantle. He knows that taste is why you'll switch. So suck on that haters.

Next up, a couple recent videos from the man, the myth, the legend, THUNDER DOUG!



Yep, he's still dunking. Plus, this next video combines dunks and an interview. I don't think he has actually taken a real shot in Europe. I also think he might already be President of Poland.



Although I could not confirm it at the time of this post, I am nearly positive Dwight Howard pissed himself watching this video.

So, remember kids, drinking Natural Light and watching Thunder Doug dunk are two things that not only make hair grow on your balls, but also make you irresistible to women. It's the second weekend in February, go out and try it.

-Joe

P.S. After a ton of scouting and analysis, I am willing to make my prediction for the Snowbird Slow-Pitch Softball Tournament. This year's champions will be none other than the team from...THE STADIUM CLUB.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

What's a Dickfor?

Answer: For fucking, you dumbass.

Now that's a good joke. Anytime you can bring Dickfor into a conversation, you know that you did something right with your life. But I just wanted to give a quick example of simple humor that works and makes you look like a complete badass.

The reason I am writing this is for jokes that don't work. These are situational jokes that aren't funny, and they make you look like a douchebag.

Situation 1:
Me: My shoulder hurts every time I do this (puts arms in circular motion)
Douchebag: Then stop doing that.

Alright, fuckface, great advice. That would work for you, because you're a stupid douchebag who doesn't need your shoulder except for something to cry on, because nobody loves you. I'm active, I need to use my shoulder. I can't just stop using my shoulder, but when you say things like that, everyone hopes you stop using your lungs, because clearly your brain has already checked out.

Situation 2:
I am rocking out and singing a song, as happy as can be.
Douchebag: Who is this song by?
Me: Name of Artist.
Douchebag: Let's keep it that way.

Let's break it down. You see somebody having a good time, and your first reaction is that you want to ruin their good time. You ask them a question to first interrupt their good time, which already makes you seem like a piss-poor human being. Then, this person answers your question, because they want to be helpful, and they are clearly in a good mood. You respond with trying to crush their good time.

There should be genocide against anyone who uses this joke, and I mean that in the most offensive way possible. If you do this, you do not deserve to live.

After thinking about this a little bit, I realize that the world probably won't support my genocide idea. Alas, I do have a solution for the people who just want to rock out and have a great time. We'll start where we left off:

Douchebag: Let's keep it that way.
Me: Actually, I'd love to hear you sing this in soprano (Groin shot).

As they keel over in pain, you will know you did a great thing for society. The great thing about groin shot is its ambiguous, it can be a punt, a direct punch, a good knee, a Ric Flair-esque blow, or even an actual shotgun blast straight to their groin. Feel free to use your creativity.

Now this obviously won't work on females, but here's some options if a woman does it to you:
1. Headbutt - Classic and effective.
2. If you work with her, do the same amount of work as her, yet enjoy getting paid twice as much.
3. Inject yourself with a different race's sperm and impregnate her. When the baby looks nothing like you, she'll be forced to raise a child by herself. Then have this exchange:
Me: That baby looks like a Dickfor.
Her: What's a Dickfor?
Me: For fucking, you moron.

Now that's comedy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Where's The Beef?

The book Moneyball was all about finding market inefficiencies in baseball, and I feel as though baseball is far ahead of the curve in this matter. It is expanding in football and basketball, but considering that baseball has to go off many who have only played high school baseball when drafting top prospects, I feel baseball is far ahead of the curve in drafting. If everybody they drafted had at least three years in college as the NFL has the benefit of, I think the MLB would do a much better job of identifying all of the top talent in baseball.

The defense that has been taking over lately has been the 3-4, because it presents a lot of confusion on pass rushes. It does that, because you can rush four guys, but nobody knows which four guys will be coming in. As more and more teams use the 3-4 defense, it becomes easier to block as teams are constantly facing it. The problem that many 3-4 teams have is defending the run since they will have a smaller front seven than a traditional 4-3. What helps them against the run is putting a giant nose tackle, usually 340 lbs or above, to stuff up the middle and let the linebackers roam free. This defense has been effective for many teams, and it’s great that teams are starting to witness that and adjusting their rosters. The problem is coming from the teams that have stuck with the traditional 4-3 defense.

Nearly everyone who currently runs a 4-3 is doing so in an extremely inefficient manner. They were tricked into thinking that they are doing things right, but they are so obviously wrong. Two people are primarily to blame for this: Tony Dungy and Warren Sapp.

Tony Dungy made the Cover-2 Defense popular, based primarily on speed and not giving up the big play by keeping two safeties back to make sure that teams would not be able to throw over the top. The advantages in this defense is that you did not need shutdown corners to be effective, because they would have help over the top. Another big key is that speed was everywhere on this defense as opposed to trying to outpower teams offenses.

The biggest weakness in this defense is trying to run up the middle, but with a good front seven, they were able to slow down teams. One of the things that helped them stop runs up the middle was having run-stopping safeties like John Lynch and Bob Sanders. Plus, if teams ran to the outside, it played into their strengths of speed.

The big key on passing downs was getting pressure from the front four guys on the line with minimal blitzing. This let seven guys drop back into coverage, and as long as the front four was able to penetrate, it led to extremely dominant defenses. Since getting pressure on the QB is so key, Dungy drafted the smaller, more speed-based players for his line, so he had four guys who could conceivably get to the quarterback on the line.

This is where Warren Sapp comes in (this does not involve beating women). Sapp is the ideal fit for Dungy’s Cover-2 Defense as he was not large for defensive tackle standards and was very quick off the line so he was able to harass quarterbacks from an interior position. Playing for Dungy for the majority of his career, Sapp became a likely Hall of Famer, and many teams saw the success they had and obviously wanted to replicate it. The problem was that Warren Sapp is a rare player, and teams keep trying to recreate it with crappier versions of Sapp.

The reason this irritates me so much is that the Bears have been a blatant offender of this.

One defense that has been unbelievably successful that nobody seems to notice is a traditional 4-3 defense but one that acquires a certain personnel to make it absolutely dominating against both run and pass. It is inspired by the 3-4, but it is even better, because instead of one of those giant nose tackles, you put two giant people in the middle and completely shut down the running game.

Let’s break down a running play for a team that has to play against this. You try to run up the middle and you’re more than likely running into a wall. So attacking the outside becomes the logical choice. The problem is that the linebackers are free to roam so trying to beat them to the edge is going to be extremely difficult. Hence, you have created a dominant defense against the run.

But the NFL has adopted the forward pass so just plugging up the middle is not going to stop them from beating you with the pass. This is true, but that doesn’t mean that this alignment can’t stop the pass. Here is how a passing play will break down. In theory, you’ll use three of your interior linemen to stop the giants trying to come through the middle. Then, you use your athletic Defensive Ends to attack from the outside. Usually, you’ll at least have a tight end or running back to stay in and help so one of the defensive ends is probably a non-factor. The other defensive end goes one on one with a solid shot to get after the QB. More than likely, the interior linemen will double one guy, leaving the other giant defensive end in there to collapse the pocket. So, even without blitzing, there is a decent shot to get to the quarterback. Since the huge defensive tackles are more plugs than sackmasters, it leaves a shot to put in some smaller defensive tackles or larger defensive ends in on obvious passing downs to help create pressure from the inside while your fatasses (I mean it in the most complimentary way possible) get some rest.

One team does exactly what I envision. They are the Minnesota Vikings. The Williams Brother open everything up for everybody. Ben Leber and Chad Greenway both move extremely well and EJ Henderson (when healthy) has shown a nose for the ball to make their entire linebacking corps very good at getting to the ball and making plays. Both Pat and Kevin Williams are always in the debate for the Pro Bowl, because they do their job very well, and working together makes them even more dominant, because they aren’t constantly double teamed since that would leave the other guy to dominate. I don’t think these are the most talented defensive tackles in the game, but I do think they know what their job is and they excel in getting it done.

Back in 2001, the Bears put this defense out there when they had Sam Adams and Ted Washington in the middle. The Bears had Jim Miller at QB and still had a first round bye going into the playoffs because there defense was so awesome. Brian Urlacher had the best year he will ever have in his career when they had those guys. The Bears system worked even better because they had those fast linebackers that could roam free. The Bears still have fast linebackers, but they often get blocked on the second level by lineman who don’t have to worry about 350 lbs of man meat in front of them.

The only real problem that the Bears would run into if they reinstituted this defense is that the big guys do tend to tire quicker than the smaller defensive tackles. This shouldn’t be a huge issue as you could put in quicker defensive tackles on passing downs to help create that quick rush that Tony Dungy’s Defenses were known for. It is the best of both worlds. It is so simple and blatantly effective that I know the Bears will not be using my strategy anytime soon.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Quick Thoughts

No overwhelming theme on my mind, so I'll just go over a few random things:

Sean Payton has balls of steel, and that is why his team won. A lot of coaches like to play things safe, because then they don't get second guessed on their calls. Sean Payton went to win the game. Unexpected onside kicks are recovered 70% of the time, so it definitely made sense statistically. But if they don't recover it, and they end up losing, every member of the media is blaming Payton for the loss. He didn't give a shit about that and just went for the win, and it would be difficult to rank any head coach above him for the job that he has done with the Saints.

Also, nice job by Gregg Williams. He talked a big game about giving Manning some "Remember Me" shots during the game, but played very conservatively since Manning destroys the blitz. He showed tons of different looks, and although they didn't stop Manning, they contained him enough to win the game.

I am still refusing to think Paulo Thiago is that good. Swick has looked awful in his last two fights, and he got caught. Although, I had to rewind that fight about three times to catch how in the hell he choked him out.

I don't think all Brazilian Jiu-jitsu black belts are legitimate. Paulo Thiago was a case of a guy who deserves his, and Nate Marquardt just doesn't seem to quite be at the top of the jiu jitsu game. The only submissions he tried were guillotine chokes, and he was not moving his hips at all from the bottom. I understand part of that is Sonnen controlling him, but I think this is a case where some black belts are more deserved than others.

Peyton Manning has slowly grown on me, and outside of the interception, he had another great game. He's probably the greatest quarterback to every play in the NFL. Even though Brees is getting all the attention for his performance (well deserved), Peyton Manning's pass on the run to Dallas Clark was just as good as his pass down the middle to Austin Collie two weeks ago. He may only have one ring, but I don't think that the Colts would be nearly as effective if he was replaced by anybody else in the league.

Roger Goodell is talking about eliminating the three point stance. If that happens, it may decrease concussions, but offensive linemen will have a way easier time getting leverage meaning that running games could dominate again.

Tyrus Thomas got suspended by the Bulls again. He's still the man.

If the Bulls could trade Kirk Hinrich and John Salmons, they'd have enough cap room to get LeBron and Bosh. If they ended up just signing someone like Joe Johnson, they'd look like a bunch of assholes, but I think the risk is worth the possible reward.

Now that the Super Bowl is over, what season is it? With Iowa being awful and me hoping that the Bulls try to get rid of as many contracts as possible, it really doesn't feel like basketball. It's still a little early for me to get too excited for the NFL Draft. I'd like to say it's wrestling season, but outside of the states of Iowa and Oklahoma, I don't think I'd get much support. I guess it's time to recognize the Countdown to Wrestlemania.

More and more of my friends are getting married, having kids, and buying houses. They are real adults. I am nowhere near that stage in my life, and I may never get there.

If anybody knows any rich women looking to make a young stallion like myself an International Playboy, let me know. I feel it's my life's calling.

-Joe

Friday, February 5, 2010

UFC 109 Picks

Before I go into who is going to win, I need to point out that Dana White is a genius. At this point, some people are nodding while others are shaking their heads. I have been on the fence about this as I think sometimes his demeanor does not help uninformed people realize this isn't human cockfighting and it is much safer than boxing.

This upcoming UFC card has changed all of that as every media outlet is hyping that this is the first ever matchup between UFC Hall of Famers. Why is this important? The UFC Hall of Fame is not selected with any sort of process; it's just people that Dana White feels should be in the Hall of Fame. This is not the baseball Hall of Fame where former athletes slowly get closer to gaining election; it's just Dana White deciding, "Hey, that guy hasn't fought in a while and he's never said anything bad about the UFC. Let's put him in the Hall of Fame." Yet, when I put on ESPN and they are talking about the fights, the number one thing mentioned is that this is the first time ever that two current UFC Hall of Famers have ever fought. Great marketing by Dana White, and he deserves mad props.

Anyway, here are the picks for the fights tomorrow:

Philippe Nover over Rob Emerson - I don't think Nover's all that good, but for some reason, I'm very anti-Rob Emerson.

Phil Davis over Brian Stann - Stann is training with Greg Jackson's camp which is a good move, but Phil Davis is really athletic and a great wrestler, so he can probably manage to get a decision win in this fight.

Chris Tuchscherer over Tim Hague - Hague got knocked out in seven seconds in his last fight, and Tuchscherer trains with Brock Lesnar, enough said.

Rolles Gracie over Joey Beltran - Beltran's a late replacement and the UFC wants to make money off the Gracie name so this is probably a first round submission for Rolles.

Mac Danzig over Justin Buchholz - Danzig is a good, well-rounded fighter, and I think he'll be able to control Buchholz on the ground to get a win.

Melvin Guillard over Ronys Torres - I am not confident in this pick at all as Torres has torn through his opponents. He is supposed to have good wrestling, but Paulo Filho was also supposed to be a Brazilian with good wrestling. If Torres can take him down, I think Guillard is in big trouble, but I think he keeps it standing long enough to knock out Torres.

Frank Trigg over Matt Serra - Matt Serra is overrated since he got lucky three years ago against GSP. Trigg is a pretty tough guy. I think he can both outstrike and dominate him from top position when he takes him down.

Mike Swick over Paulo Thiago - Swick can keep the fight standing and basically pick apart Thiago. I'm hoping for a SwickKick, because I doubt he'll be able to pull of the Swickotine.

Demian Maia over Dan Miller - Miller is tough, but eventually the fight will go to the ground and Maia will be on top; that's bad news for Miller.

Nate Marquardt over Chael Sonnen - I really thought this had upset possibilities with how great Sonnen's wrestling is. Then he started talking about how game plans don't exist in MMA. I think Marquardt should be safe in this fight because of that. He's got too well-rounded of an attack to lose to Sonnen.

Randy Couture over Mark Coleman - I almost had myself convinced Coleman could win this match, but it's really doubtful. When I finally looked at their last fights, it became obvious that Couture is a higher quality fighter. Couture got a generous decision against Brandon Vera while Coleman beat Stephen Bonnar by decision. Coleman would get dominated by Vera, and Couture would manhandle Bonnar, hence, I got to go with Couture on this one.

I like the Middleweight Fights on this card, but it's not the strongest UFC card. I like the card in two weeks a ton more.

Again, mad props to Dana White.

-Joe

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thumbs Up To Seats Up

I am a person who is willing to attack the establishment. I will challenge traditions when I feel that those traditions are wrong or outdated. I think that classifies me as an activist. Now I'm no Martin Luther King Jr, but I also feel that I am ahead of PETA for the most part. Today, I would like to fight for the rights of men when it comes to bathroom etiquette.

Women have been trying to hold us down for years (and not just in the kinky sexual way either). They have fought so hard for equality that there are many ways that women are getting preferential treatment to men. One of these places is a place that is sacred to a man, the bathroom.

First off (and less important than my future point), women can not seem to understand how to install toilet paper in the bathroom. You want the toilet paper to drift overhand, not underhand. I don't want to dig to the back edge of the toilet paper to find it, I want it to lay gracefully in front where I can see what I am doing and have an easy time tearing the proper amount of toilet paper. This is Strike Two, women (we're playing Slow-Pitch Softball rules where you start with a 1-1 count)

Strike Three is the toilet seat. I do not think that the toilet seat should be left down. In fact, I think just the opposite should be happening.

Now women are going to complain that they might fall in the toilet if the seat is left down. I've got a secret for you ladies. When I poop, and although I don't watch other males poop I'm guessing a lot of them do it the same way, I actually have to sit on the toilet seat for maximum comfort. I have managed to spend 25 years on this Earth and never have I e-e-ever fell in a toilet. You would have to be so moronic that falling in a toilet should be the least of your worries.

So some might say that since women are apparently incapable of simple tasks like not falling in a toilet, isn't it harmless to put the seat down when you are done? No, it is not. Why? There are few things more disgusting than touching a warm toilet seat. It gives me the opposite of a warm, fuzzy feeling. Plus, according to popular culture, 90% of people have STDs (not a scientific number), and I really don't want to put my hand on a breeding ground of STDs. I could get herpmidirrhea...and I don't want herpmidirrhea. If the seat is up, you can put it down yourself if you need to, or you can be saved from touching the seat period if the seat stays up when people are done.

So please world, leave the seat up, your genitals depend on it.

-Joe

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Iowa Basketball

Anytime somebody says they are about to have something painful happen to them (i.e. tonsils removed, arm broken by bookie, girl breaks their heart, etc.), I think to myself, "Well, at least it can't be as painful as watching Iowa Basketball."

Yes, the Hawkeyes are bad, but that isn't the disturbing thing about the team in recent years. It's that they're bad and boring. Say what you will about Alford (And before doing that, remember that he was the reason that student ticket prices dropped in price by a huge margin), but his teams were fun to watch. They weren't very fundamentally sound, and Alford never taught them his great talent of shooting free throws, but they were fun to watch. Doug Thomas provided many of those memories, but we also have Hawkeye greats like Glen Worley, Erek Hansen, and Kurt Looby.

This team is boring, but they try hard so I do have to give them credit for that. A starting five of Payne, May, Gatens, Fuller, and Cole isn't awful. It's still incredibly small, but those five can play Big Ten Basketball. After that, it's pretty slim pickings. But outside of their last game against Michigan, they were playing a ton better than the way they started this season.

So watch the Hawks tonight. It won't be pretty; you probably won't find yourself all that entertained, but they're playing Illinois, so I'll even go out and predict a win tonight. Iowa 11, Illinois 8. Go Hawks.

-Joe

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Jersey Shore

Obviously, everyone who watched Jersey Shore agrees that it was a fantastic show. The best thing about the show was that Italian-American groups tried to protest it, and it went from having awful ratings the first week to being the highest rated show in MTV history by the season finale. Thank you advocacy groups, you fucked yourselves.

Here are some quick rankings for how important the characters were:

1. The Situation - Clearly the alpha dog of the show and maybe the most important MTV reality show character since Puck. Outside of the blatant use of steroids, he could definitely be somebody that I would hang out with, ignoring your female friends to try to get laid, now that's a guy that represents.
2. Pauly D - Pauly was quiet for the most part, but he had a stalker, and as he stated, "He just wants to get to the business." I really want to hate anyone who spends 25 minutes on their hair, but Pauly D nearly took a grenade. Mad props, Pauly D.
3. Snooki - She may represent the major problem with the show, and that is none of the girls are all that attractive. At least she is completely honest about her intentions, and she might be the dumbest person on the show, which is an accomplishment in itself.

There's a significant drop-off after these three as the rest of the cast is replaceable and not all that interesting.

4. Vinny - Had his moments, but nothing about him really makes me interested in what he is going to do next.
5. J-Woww - Might slut it up on the next season if she ditches her boyfriend. Has an absolutely heinous face.

Now we enter the people that are actually painfully boring to watch when all they do is slow down the interesting people.

6. Angelina - At least she was gone by the third episode.
7. Ronnie - Dumber than a sledgehammer, but I have a feeling the sledgehammer would feel pain before he would.
8. Sammi Sweetheart - A boring cunt.

Word on the street all eight are coming back for season two, and as we break down the characters, that means we have five people that really didn't help the show all that much. This is not the biggest problem that they have though. The biggest problem is the success of the show.

They are going away from Jersey Shore for the next season, but it really doesn't matter where you put these people, because now they're famous. Watching guidos and guidettes try to get laid and get shot down is hilarious. Watching celebrities successfully get laid is not entertainment. It's going to be boring, and I think the producers know that. Hence, we'll see them much more in the fake reality TV genre where everything is contrived and pre-planned so that they have moments like the first season.

This show was fantastic for one season, and it will be tough for any reality TV show to come out with that strong of a first season again. As much as I hate to say it, season two is doomed, and that's a sad Situation.

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Happy Day

Things have been going pretty well for both my rooting interests and predictions in sports lately which is a nice change of pace. Sure, Iowa basketball still sucks, badly, but Iowa wrestling dominated two meets so overall I'm pretty happy with the Iowa sports programs right now.

I predicted every fight but one correct on the Strikeforce card, and the one I got wrong, I put as the best chance of their being an upset. This is just further proof that I know my shit and my opinion should be as well respected as The Pope's.

Finally, the Bears did something right today and hired Mike Martz. Everybody is focusing on how this affects Jay Cutler, but he is not the person that I am most intrigued by with this hiring. Let's face it, Jay Cutler is awful, but if he is going to succeed in any offense, it's going to be this one, so we will finally be able to decide whether Jay Cutler is semi-worthless or completely worthless. As much as it pains me to say it, I think he will prove to only be semi-worthless.

The person that this affects way more is Matt Forte. Now, most idiots think this will hamper him and he will never run the ball. This is where they are very, very wrong. Forte is the first pass catching running back that Martz has had since Marshall Faulk. I don't think the Bears will pass a ton more than they did this past year, so I see Forte's running numbers improving as well as him still being a big time option in the passing game. If Forte stays healthy, I expect a huge year from him.

The biggest question mark for the Bears offense is will they be able to succeed without a good offensive line? I think Martz knows this, and I expect the Bears to aggressively pursue offensive linemen to help his offense succeed. This is all wishful thinking, but while we're at it, maybe Martz knows some special trick to make Orlando Pace look like he has a heartbeat.

I usually don't have many things to celebrate when it comes to sports, so today is a happy day.

-Joe

P.S. Also, my boy, Mark Prior, is throwing off a mound again. Can you say fantasy sleeper?