Monday, April 30, 2012

Jose Canseco Has His Life Together

I usually like to create a theme, but honestly, the theme is craziness today. Jose's out of damn mind, but I think he's cool with it. Where should we start? Let's start here:

Okay, first off, people shouldn't hate Jose Canseco. Now that we have that out of the way, let's go into his examples. One of these examples is not like the other. Rapists, okay, they are definitely bad. Child molesters, they are probably even worse. Murderers, yep, they definitely can hang with the first two. Gas prices, yep...wait, what? If you give me me an option between being raped or paying $5 for a gallon of gas, I think I will just pay the extra for gas. I don't hate gas prices; they're just kind of there and it's a bummer, but not to the point where I would let my unborn child be diddled by a stranger in order for the prices to drop. Maybe that's just me. Let's see what else is on Jose's mind.

Holy shit, Jose could literally make my dreams come true. I have long dreamed of a mental decathlon against Jose, and this, along with multiplication tables, would definitely be the highlights. But let's see how serious he really is about this competition:

This is the beauty of Jose. This is not part of his challenge. This is actually him just hoping somebody will give him the correct spelling of diarrhea. Jose knows that complicated words will be involved in future spelling bees, and what is more complicated than diarrhea? I know it always leaves me with a lot of questions.

I have no witty commentary for this post, but I just feel very happy for Jose. Last time Leila dumped him, it put him in a tailspin where he told everyone that Leila is a dirty whore who loves drugs. This time, he responded in a much more mature way:

Okay, that's the least appetizing offer I can think of, but it's a whole lot better than a mental breakdown. Great job, Jose.

Well, that should just about wrap it up. Alright, I guess we have time for one more tweet. What else you got, Jose?
 In our academic decathlon, I may just concede brain teasers for fear that Jose might say something that makes my head explode.

In conclusion, slap a hater.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

NFL Draft Live Blog

It's NFL Draft time, which means it's time for an NFL Draft LIVE BLOG! I'll be updating this all night long to keep people updated on my thoughts as the draft goes down. All times are in CST.

6:57 - Here is my list of quarterbacks that I actually scouted before this draft:
1.       Andrew Luck – He’s the best.
2.       Robert Griffin III – He’d be the best if the best wasn’t in this draft.
3.       HUGE DROPOFF – Because nobody is close to these guys.
4.       Ryan Tannehill – He’s physically gifted, but there is a lot of bust potential. No way I would touch him until late in the first round.
5.       Russell Wilson - Good athlete with solid arm.
6.       Kellen Moore – He’s so good in scanning the field and accuracy that there has to be a good spot for him. Still, there is such limited potential that I can’t put him higher than this.
7.       Brandon Weeden – I was thoroughly unimpressed with him. Lots of quick routes, and the balls he threw downfield were really just trusting that Blackmon would go up and get it.
8.       Kirk Cousins – Poor mechanics lead to poor accuracy. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
9. Nick Foles - I'm basically just throwing darts with these last four, so yeah, he ends up here.
10.   Brock Osweiler – Watching him throw a fade with no loft was all I needed to see. He has zero touch on his throws.

7:03 - Here is a brief synopsis of my favorite prospect in the entire draft:
Alfonzo Dennard
I love this guy. He makes receivers lives very tough by being excellent at jamming them at the line of scrimmage. Maybe his straight line speed isn’t great, but there isn’t a ton of times where he will be facing fly routes against speedy receivers. Also, before the draft last year, Niles Paul (Nebraska Wide Receiver) said that the toughest person he ever faced in college was Dennard. He played against Prince Amukamara, but he said Dennard was tougher than Amukamara. Amukamara was a first round pick, and yet Dennard might not be taken until the third. I’d love to see the Bears take him in the second round.

7:06 - Colts select Andrew Luck. Now they just need some wide receivers, a tight end, an offensive line, some d-lineman, a couple linebackers, and a secondary, and they'll be set.

7:21 - The Browns got their guy which is good, but bravo to the Vikings for being able to get the guy they want as well as picking up three extra picks. Hopefully they use this pick on Iowa Punter, Eric Guthrie.

7:33 - I would rather have Blackmon than Julio Jones. Jones is the better athlete, but Blackmon can actually catch the ball consistently. He showed good body control and he goes up and snatches it. I don't think Blackmon is as talented as Dez Bryant, but Bryant has battled injuries, and has not been utilized to his full potential in Dallas. Blackmon should produce early on.

7:35 - I can't believe that Dallas got number six for so little. Just adding a second rounder is a great deal for the Cowboys.

7:37 - OUR FIRST COMMENT! Feel free to add more. Thunder9 suggested that I put this on Cover It Live. Well, it's too late now, but excellent advice for next year.

7:39 - I think Claiborne is very good. I don't think he is as good as Patrick Peterson who I was head over heels in love with last year.

7:49 - As I stated yesterday, I'm not a big Tannehill fan, but I see the positives in him. There is a lot of upside. Mel described him as good size, smart, and competitive. Christ, none of those are actual skills. I just don't trust his decision making. With that being said, I will make a bold prediction and say if him and RGIII start the whole year, Tannehill will have more rushing yards than Griffin.

8:07 - I didn't really have time to watch Memphis, because they're Memphis, but all the word on Poe is that he didn't really do much in college. That is a big concern for me. Why will he be more motivated now that he is getting paid than he was last year when he should have been playing hard so he could get paid? Workout warriors are always stay away guys for me, but I did love the Bears defense when they just plugged up the middle with Sam Adams and Ted Washington, so there is some value to just having big dudes in the middle of the line.

8:38 - Mike asks if I love Fletcher Cox from Mississippi State? Well, I don't really know enough about him. I heard a lot of positive scouting reports, and most of the people that I trust had him going at #7 in this draft, so it was a good get for the Eagles when he fell that far. From the limited amount that I saw, he should be solid, but I have no clue on the upside. Keep those comments coming.

8:41 - I have no clue how DeCastro is still on the board. A part of me wants him to fall to 19, but a part of me is positive the Bears won't take him even if he does fall to them. I'm really torn, but DeCastro is awesome.

8:53 - The moment of truth. Will the Bears draft DeCastro? God, I hope so. Build through the lines, Bears. He's a monster. Please, do it. Come on. Don't let me down.

9:00 - Holy shit. I did not see that one coming. Um, okay, I guess. Eh. Blah. This is not what I wanted.

9:07 - I really love the Kendall Wright pick. Dude is awesome. Steve Smith starter kit. The good Steve Smith, not the bad one.

9:12 - Brandon Weeden goes three rounds too high. Good for him. The Browns are the losers of this draft so far. I like Richardson; I don't like giving up three picks to move up one spot. And I just simply don't like Brandon Weeden.

9:19 - Well, the draft couldn't have worked out much better for the Lions. They needed a tackle, and one fell in their lap.

9:20 - And the Steelers take DeCastro, shocking that the Steelers would draft well. God damnit.

9:22 - Patriots adding Chandler Jones and Dont'a Hightower, which are both really good picks for the Patriots. They might have a real defense next year.

9:45 - I'm almost never a fan of drafting people from Notre Dame, and this is one of those cases. I know Notre Dame is the greatest and they win the National Championship ever year, wait...what? They don't. They actually have kind of sucked lately. Oh, yeah, then this guy will probably suck too.

9:52 - I know a lot of people were not expecting him to go that high, but I really liked the A.J. Jenkins pick for the 49ers. Scheelhaase was not a good passer, but Jenkins got so wide open that there was no way he could miss him. I thought he would be a steal later, but he's still a good pick early on.

10:12 - And that wraps up the first round. All I've got to say is #DennardToBears

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Scouting the 2012 NFL Draft Quarterbacks: The Best Of The Rest

Yesterday, I went over the big dogs who have a shot of going in the first round of the draft. Today, I am going to look at five guys, all from big time schools who are expected to be drafted, just not on day one. Tomorrow, hopefully before the draft, I will have time to rank these quarterbacks, and also throw out some prospects that I really love in this draft who are not getting enough love. But let's get talking about these QBs.

Kirk Cousins
I watched his games against Georgia and Ohio State
I have disliked Cousins as a prospect for a while. He never really impressed me, but I wanted to look deep into some games to see if I was right, or if I just had Iowa hate running through my veins.
He is inaccurate with his throws, and in completely unpredictable ways. He’ll underthrow, he’ll overthrow, he’ll throw behind, or too far in front. I do not see how this is not seen as a big deal, because it is a very big deal.
He also likes to throw in coverage.
The arm strength was better than I remembered, as I have no questions on whether he has the arm to be successful at the next level. It might be great arm strength, but his footwork is so inconsistent that fans of the team that drafts Cousins should get used to hearing, “Cousins off his back foot…”
When it is all working, he makes some elite throws. But it is rarely all working.
He was solid in being able to check down to secondary targets.
He gets a ridiculous amount of hype for his poise and intangibles, but I’ll give him his due, on the final drive of regulation against Georgia, he made good decisions, was accurate with the football, and played his best football when it mattered most.

Nick Foles
I watched Foles against Arizona State and Oklahoma State.
Arm strength was just okay; it kind of looks like he pushes the ball on his throws.
Okay accuracy
Athletic, but looks awkward when trying to run. No juke to his game.
Not much zip, but a fairly accurate deep passer.
Underthrows a lot of balls.
Keeps his eyes down field, but I didn’t see much pressure in the games I watched.

Brock Osweiler
I watched his games against USC and Boise State
Really struggles with accuracy on crossing patterns.
He puts no loft on throws. There is no touch to his game. This leads to hilarious results on fades.
The good news is that he does have good arm strength.
Solid athlete.

Kellen Moore
I watched his game against Georgia.
As everyone has noted, it is not a strong arm.
With that being said, it’s super accurate.
He does a good job of scanning the field before making his throw.
Very good pocket presence. He’s not an athlete, but he has a great feel for the rush, and knows subtle ways to avoid it.
He throws a good deep ball as long as it’s not down the middle where there can be safety help. If there’s any chance of safety help, it’s not gonna work, because it’s in the air just a little too long.
His ability to find holes in coverage is really impressive. Terrifying, but impressive.
He’s got everything except athleticism, height, and arm strength. The former isn’t that important, the middle is a little more important, but the latter is what he gets killed on. It’s tough to overlook, but I think at worst, he becomes a reliable backup. If he’s your number one guy, it’s tough to say how far he can take you as the offense really needs to rely on his strengths (no pun intended), but man, if he had an arm, he’s a top 10 pick.

Russell Wilson
I was only able to get a good video of his game against Ohio State, but I had also watched him several times during the season.
He has good arm strength.
Good with the play fake.
Their offense included a ton of rollouts, but he was still able to throw from the pocket when the play called for it. 
He does a good job of going through his progressions from high to low.
His ball placement isn't great. When he was missing passes badly, he tended to miss high which is a very dangerous thing to do in the NFL.
He's definitely a good athlete for the position, but his mobility is kind of hit or miss. Not great vision, and sometimes finds himself zig-zagging behind the line of scrimmage without actually improving his ability to run or to make a pass. With that being said, he is very good at throwing on the move as he may be more accurate on the move than he is while standing still.
At the end of the game, they needed 70 yards, he threw it 40. That's not a great sign for his arm, but it could have also just been drawn up that way to draw an interference, so I can't say too much. 

That's it for today. Tomorrow, I'll wrap some things up and get pumped for the NFL Draft. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Scouting The 2012 NFL Draft Quartebacks: Possible First Rounders

I love the NFL Draft. As a Bears fan, it is my one moment of hope throughout the year. Yes, some think the Bears could be contenders this year, but Jay Cutler is their quarterback, so they really don't have a chance. Speaking of quarterbacks, I decided to scout some of the bigger names coming out for the draft this season by watching a couple games of tape to give me a better idea of what they do well and what they struggle with. For the most part, these are just my notes while watching these guys play, but it should give you a fairly good overall picture of each prospect.

Andrew Luck 
He’s damn near perfect. I can’t add anything to the conversation. I have raved about him here, here, here, and also at bars across the USA.

So every time I really watched Baylor play, I was more just enjoying the football instead of trying to break down anyone in the game. I thought the RGIII hype had really spun out of control, so I decided to watch some quick videos of his. I watched his performance against TCU as well as Texas.
I was very impressed with his vision. Most of the offense is designed for a quick read and throw which he executes very well. When that first option is not open, he is quick to scan to his next option, often on the opposite side of the field, and quickly fire the ball. He showed a good feel for leading his receivers open.
Um, Good God, he throws a beautiful deep ball. Not only are his throws in stride, but he also does a good job of getting safeties to cheat up by turning his shoulders to an underneath receiver, and then quickly setting up to bomb out the deep ball.
He was rarely pressured. Sometimes, he reacted well by keeping his eyes downfield and continuing to look for open receivers. Other times, it led to some questionable throws. There just wasn’t a whole lot to go off of with pressure, but he handled the limited examples fairly well.
He seemed fast, but not elusive. I don’t see him as the same running threat as Cam Newton, despite his speed advantage.
I did not expect him to be this good. I still favor Luck, but if RGIII had come out any other recent year, he would be the number one pick in the draft. That is not saying that he will be able to perform better than what Cam Newton did in his rookie year, but I had far more questions about Newton than I do with Griffin.

In other news, Kendall Wright is really, really good. He plays fast, does a great job of creating separation, and also is excellent at adjusting to the ball. Whoever drafts him will be a very happy team.

Ryan Tannehill
I watched his games against Oklahoma State and Arkansas.
Tannehill may be more of a running threat than Griffin, because I think his vision in the running game is better.
Good arm and release.
His initial reaction was to bail out, but then he got away from the pressure and looked down the field and fired.
Has a tendency to stare down his receiver just a little too long.
Not impressive deep ball, and some really poor decisions. He just has no feel for it.
Average accuracy overall. I didn’t see him leading receivers open, and he was inconsistent on throws that you would expect a top ten pick to make.
Lots of dumpoff passes where receivers are required to make plays.
I know quarterbacks wins and losses are not a great barometer for success, but they do still interest me. Not to the point of “DUR, this guy’s a proven winner, DUR,” but still interesting. Tannehill has been knocked for not winning big games, and what I saw was him not getting help from receivers down the stretch. I don’t see it as anything to worry about at the next level.

Brandon Weeden
I watched Weeden's games against Iowa State and Stanford.
Very comfortable in the pocket. If he has time, he’s going to use it instead of settling for an underneath pass.
Poor decisions under pressure. Tried to throw over the middle off his back foot which led to very dangerous passes.
Occasionally seemed to not trust his read and it made him wait about a half second to make his throw.
So many short passes in this offense.
I definitely question his arm strength. His ball floats a little bit, and they really utilized very short passes which did not often challenge him. He left some balls up in the air for a while, relying on Blackmon to jump up and get them.

That's all I have for now, but I will be posting something tomorrow on other quarterbacks who are getting a lot of talk leading up to the draft.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tupac's Hologram And The Simulation Of Human Emotion

By now, I'm sure nearly everyone has seen the Tupac hologram. It's pretty cool. Ah, who am I kidding? It's really fucking cool, but as great as the hologram Tupac is, what the hologram represents is actually far more interesting than the technology.

Hologram Tupac was created to get a reaction from the crowd at Coachella. It is a lot like acting. This isn't acting though, this is a simulation of what they think the person would be like to elicit an emotional response in the people who saw it.

They are simulating Tupac's emotions, and people find the simulation so real that they are moved themselves.
This is the future that every sci-fi movie predicts involving robots.

Machines are becoming more like humans, which has been a constant goal in technology, but this is a huge step forward. People now believe in this technology. They believe in it to the point where they can be emotionally invested in a Tupac Hologram. Their mind knows that it is not Tupac, but their emotions relay something very different. All Tupac truly is at this point is an animation, but the animation is so real, and people want to believe so badly that they are willing to believe in it. Even though they want this hologram to be an accurate portrayal, it is just a program made to elicit a response, and a damn good one at that.

If they can do this with Tupac, they can do it with anyone. Find a good enough programmer and people never really die. There can be no physical contact, but that seems like a temporary issue that will be resolved soon enough. It's insane to think how far they can take this.

Is it good or bad? Both, neither, hell, I don't know. But it sure is interesting.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Jose Canseco Is Clearly Trolling All Of Us

Jose Canseco may show the greatest use of 140 characters in Twitter history. He has amused the masses for years, and he is showing no signs of slowing down. But sometimes, I have to stop and think, "Is Jose Canseco too good at Twitter?" Are these really his thoughts, or is he just trolling us to make the masses go insane at his tweets? After this weekend, I think we need to all at least open up to the possibility that he is trolling us. Let's look at his latest tweets:

Now this seems sincere. I have no doubt that Jose would very much like to be invited to any sort of celebration, especially a baseball celebration. But let's be real here, if I'm willing to pay for hotel and airfare, he would probably be pretty pumped about coming to my birthday party this year. And if you're reading this Jose, hit me up, we can make that happen.

There is no way Jose believes this. Every single day, he talks about how he is unfairly blackballed from the game he loves for trying to save it by exposing the world to the steroid problem. Every single day this happens. So why would he not be invited to the Red Sox 100th Anniversary? Oh, because he hasn't updated his address, so his invite just sits at his old California home.

He's got to be fucking with us, right? I sure hope so, but let's see what else is on his mind.

Okay, he's definitely trolling. And on top of that, this tweet makes me sad, because despite this being such an inane idea, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Global warming makes the world warmer, so it should have melted the iceberg that The Titanic hit, and therefore it would have had a safe maiden voyage. I have clearly been writing about Jose too much.

While most people would look at this tweet as further evidence of trolling, I do a complete 180 on my trolling accusations. Yes, he is talking about having not one, but two yachts, but that is not the important thing to focus on in this tweet. He thinks the Titanic hit an icicle. Not an iceberg, an icicle. Let me show you a couple pictures to demonstrate my point.

Here is an iceberg:
Yeah, that thing could totally take out a large boat. It's huge. I have no doubt an iceberg like this took out The Titanic. Now here is a second picture, this time of an icicle:
This is what Jose Canseco thought sank The Titanic. It's not that Jose is trolling us; it is just Jose being Jose.

Slap the haters. Hugs for you, Jose.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Everything Hot Girls Do Is Hot

My buddy summed it up best when he said, "Dude, girls are so hot." Although I can admit that starting a sentence with "dude" should automatically disqualify whatever follows, there are always exceptions to the rule, and this is definitely one of those cases. Girls are so hot, and this doesn't change as you get older. Although I feel somewhat wiser on life matters, girls are still really hot, and there is a phenomena that I finally noticed recently.

It doesn't matter what they do, somehow, hot girls can make anything hot. Think about British accents. That shit is awful. It is such a nauseating sound, it makes me ill just thinking about it. Now think about a hot chick. Yeah, hot chicks are awesome, so this vision is pretty fucking sweet. Now give her a British accent. Remember how it used to be awful? Now, if you're anything like me, you just realized that you always wanted to end up with a British chick, because her accent makes her way hotter. It's ridiculous, and it works in all facets of life.

I once saw a girl going to med school, and in my head, I started thinking to myself, "Yeah, I have always wanted to be with a doctor." This is complete and utter bullshit. Even though being with a doctor has a ton of obvious benefits, this is certainly never anything that I put on my wish list for my lady. The only thing I have ever fantasized about is a woman who would make me her playboy while I travel the world in a life of luxury.

I met a girl who did the female version of the decathlon, and my immediate thought was, "Damn, I sure would like to be with a female decathlonist," but it's all complete bullshit. It doesn't matter what hot girls do; it's gonna be hot. If I met a hot girl, and she told me she had irritable bowel syndrome, so she farted all the time, my only thought would be how cool it was to find a girl who farts.

It's true. Dude, girls are so hot.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A Review of ICP's Big Money Rustlas

The Insane Clown Posse. They're an interesting crew. Lately, Juggalos have received more cultural relevance after being portrayed on the two best shows on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Workaholics. Still, ICP and their fans are faygo drinking pieces of shit. There's no Nobel Prize coming from that group, but, on the other hand, there could be an Oscar heading their way.

Yes, although ICP is not the best with music or redeemable qualities, they do occasionally make movies. Big Money Hustlas was made way back in 2000, and I still can't believe it, but it was actually an entertaining movie. It is probably not a good movie, but that's hard to do when your characters names are Harry Cox, Big Stank, and Mick Foley as Cactus Sac. Still, it's got Harland Williams, and Harland Williams fucking owns.

With that being said, I was extremely excited to see that their next film, Big Money Rustlas (ten years in the making) was On Demand for my viewing pleasure. This would have been super topical, but Grantland ran a review of the movie last week. Although they hit most of the important scenes, like Grantland is wont to do, they used about 20,000 too many words in the process. Let's hit the important parts (and guest appearances) together as I relive the magic that is Big Money Rustlas.

It's an old school Western movie, and within the first two minutes, there are four murders by the fat guy from ICP, Big Baby Chips. We will meet the good guy later, played by the skinny guy in ICP, Sheriff Sugar Wolf. His mother's name is Handjob Hannah...obviously.

Then we meet the Mexican Sign Guy, who is played by noneother than SCOTT HALL. Oh, fuck yeah. He immediately starts talking about how he is going to bang the widows those men left behind. Seriously, Scott Hall steals the show in this movie. It is pure magic every time they give him screen time. Is he shitfaced in every scene? You bet your ass he is. That man is nWo 4 Life.

The Sheriff is about to drink the water from the local well, but Dirty Sanchez stops him with the best line of the movie, "It's as polluted as a fat chick's ass after running a marathon with no underwear on." Yes, the writing in this movie is inspired to say the least.

Then who shows up? "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart. He's winning a bunch of money playing poker until they smash his hand with a hammer for cheating. I would have liked to see his character develop more than begging for mercy for 30 of his 45 seconds of screen time. Honestly, if you're not concerned about plot, but love seeing hilarious cameos, this movie was made for you. Let's do a quick rundown of some other notable celebrity guest appearances:

Vanilla Ice heckles The Sheriff.
Jay from Jay and Silent Bob becomes a deputy.
An outhouse blows up, and who's there? Screech! He complains about not getting a chance to wipe.
Sabu shows up at the end, and there is a Paul Orndorff reference earlier in the film.

God damn, that's a pretty good list of cameos. Nice job, ICP.

The second best line of the movie comes from Sheriff Sugar Wolf, who tries to seduce a midget, "Maybe, sometime if you're not busy, we could get together, and I could pull outta that little ass of yours." The line works in the sense that the midget does become his girlfriend, but it also doesn't work as it turns out that midget is actually a dude (hence the ass play), so not sure if I'm gonna try using that line at the clubs anytime soon.

And then the movie ends in the most unpredictable way imaginable, unless of course you have seen a movie before, in which case you will see it coming from a mile away.

So what did we learn today? Although the Insane Clown Posse's music is awful, their movies are...ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Their movies are awful too. If this review seemed positive, it is because I avoided talking about the plot. Big Money Hustlas was entertaining, this was not as inspired of an effort. But they did put Scott Hall in it, and there is no doubt that Scott Hall is awesome.

Fuck the Juggalos, I'm nWo 4 Life.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Film Review: Albino Farm (Starring Chris Jericho)

I was bored Saturday night. I was invited to go out drinking, but that seemed played out, so I checked to see what was On Demand. I checked out TMC On Demand, because I like to start low and work my way up. First option on the list? Albino Farm. When I saw the name Albino Farm, one thought crossed my mind, “Oh shit, that movie is going to be awful.” Then I clicked on the info and realized I had no choice but to watch it when I saw “Starring: Chris Jericho.” Well, that changes everything. Now this movie has gone from a less humane way of cutting myself to a fascinating look at how professional wrestlers transition into the movie business.

We are introduced to our four main characters who are doing a project for a class in college. There is the nerdy girl who is pretty hot, so she’s clearly going to surive. There’s her slutty friend; she’s dead. There’s an Indian guy, so he doesn’t have a shot of living. And then there is my favorite character. We are introduced to their version of Stiffler, who has no chance of living, but all movies with teenagers/college students needs to have a Stiffler character, and this guy is a total bro. He’s all about getting drunk and getting laid, holler! They go to a diner where this woman has large breasts. So what does he order? Cantaloupes! Ha, great breast pun bro.

Then Bro and Slut meet Jericho, and he offers to take them to the legendary Albino Farm, but Slut’s gotta let his two teenaged friends feel her up. Slut is having none of this, but Bro negotiates down to her just flashing them, and she’s cool with that. Now that’s what I call a great neBROtiation (I nearly ended this post right here, because there is no way I am topping that line).

So Slut and Bro go to the Albino Farm, and Bro gets his leg caught in a bear trap. Slut leaves to find help, but Bro gets taken to a cabin where he meets a lady. She is deformed, but is also hot to trot. She rips off her shirt to show her boobs, and I thought Bro was going to love it, but he was all like, “Aw, hell no, gross,” because he’s a deep bro who cares about more than just boobs. Deformed girl starts playing with herself while grinding her ass on the floor.

Meanwhile, Nerd Girl and Indian find a 70 year old woman breastfeeding…YUP.

Then, some drama and suspense happen. Bro dies, which is a bummer. I start falling asleep, but Slut and Indian die, obviously. And then Nerd Girl goes to some congregation in a tent, where Jericho is both a member of the audience and the preacher (ACTING!). I’m not sure why, but Nerd Girl basically just goes, “Aw, fuck it,” and joins in with the crazy song, which I’m pretty sure creates a binding contract between her and the cult.

The End.

And just so we’re clear: Although I enjoyed writing this review, this was not an enjoyable movie to watch. It was not nearly as entertaining as Scarecrow Gone Wild and can never be mentioned in the same sentence as Adam & Evil, two fantastic B-rated horror movies films.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Best And Worst Of My 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft - Part 2

I have picked out the best and worst pick of each round of my fantasy draft that happened a week and a half ago. I tried to avoid giving myself a best when possible. Otherwise, it would just be me patting myself on the ass nonstop. I have also changed the team names to protect their owners' identities. I gave everyone a cool name, except Cory, whose team I called Cory, because Cory is the worst. Yesterday was part one, and here is the exciting conclusion:
J.J. Putz, Ari RP
Brandon Morrow, Tor SP  
Peter Bourjos, LAA OF
Jordan Walden, LAA RP
Erick Aybar, LAA SS
Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
Neftali Feliz, Tex RP
Best Pick: Paul Goldschmidt – He’s probably going to hit 25-30 home runs, and all of the remaining first basemen provide limited upside or a huge risk. Honorable mention goes to Anibal Sanchez who had a really good year last year and could definitely do it again this year.

Worst Pick: Erick Aybar – I don’t hate the pick, because there really wasn’t much left at short at this point, so you have to go with somebody, but yeah, this is the worst from a group of picks that are all solid, but without many wows.
Nick Markakis, Bal OF
Ervin Santana, LAA SP
Colby Rasmus, Tor OF
Doug Fister, Det SP
Neil Walker, Pit 2B
David Freese, StL 3B
Dustin Ackley, Sea 2B
Jaime Garcia, StL SP
Jason Kipnis, Cle 2B  
Ryan Roberts, Ari 2B
Best Pick: Jason Kipnis – I love Jason Kipnis. He was the one player that I knew that I would get on both of my fantasy teams this year. There was nothing that was going to stop this from happening. I nearly took him two rounds before this, because I loved him that much, but I was patient and it paid off. Kipnis is my boy.

Worst Pick: David Freese – I ain’t buying the playoff heroics, and he also gets hurt every single year. Have fun with your 110 games of mediocre production.
Jemile Weeks, Oak 2B
Angel Pagan, SF OF
Kelly Johnson, Tor 2B  
Dexter Fowler, Col OF
Ike Davis, NYM 1B
Torii Hunter, LAA OF
Gaby Sanchez, Mia 1B
Carlos Marmol, ChC RP
Aaron Hill, Ari 2B
Best Pick: Wandy Rodriguez – I almost picked pass on this round, because there isn’t anything that stands out in this round. Even my own pick was pretty safe, but Wandy Rodriguez always produces very good stats, but people seem to really hate him. He’ll have trouble getting wins early on, but there is a good chance he gets traded to a real MLB team, so that would be nice for him.

Worst Pick: Angel Pagan – Team Idaho loves crappy outfielders who play in San Francisco. Congratulations on cornering that market.
Johan Santana, NYM SP
Jason Kubel, Ari OF
Yunel Escobar, Tor SS
Hiroki Kuroda, NYY SP
Marco Scutaro, Col SS
Martin Prado, Atl 3B
Francisco Liriano, Min SP  
Jesus Montero, Sea DH
Johnny Cueto, Cin SP
Best Pick: Jesus Montero – Once he qualifies, and the Mariners have said he will play at catcher, he becomes a pretty big deal at catcher, because dude can hit. Also, this was  a really inspired round compared to the one before it. Nice picks on Johan and League.

Worst Pick: Martin Prado – He had one great year, but that ain’t happening again, so he’s really just not worthwhile to have on a fantasy team unless you’re desperate to fill out your roster.
Chris Sale, CWS RP
Joe Nathan, Tex RP  
Ryan Raburn, Det 2B
Carlos Pena, TB 1B
Daniel Bard, Bos RP
Scott Baker*, Min SP
Javy Guerra, LAD RP
Jim Johnson, Bal RP
Best Pick: Mike Moustakas – I’m actually not a big believer in Moustakas, but he does have a lot of upside, so that’s pretty damn good for Round 17. I understand the thinking in the pick at this point, because if he can adjust quicker than pitchers adjust to him, he’s got big-time power at a position that isn’t too deep.

Worst Pick: Alfonso Soriano – Yeah, I’m a bitter Cubs fan, but there is a good chance that he rides the pine a lot of games this year, and may even get cut.
Matt Joyce, TB OF
Ian Desmond, Wsh SS
Tim Hudson, Atl SP
Chris Carpenter*, StL SP
Colby Lewis, Tex SP
Daniel Murphy, NYM 2B
Clay Buchholz, Bos SP  
Gavin Floyd, CWS SP
Allen Craig*, StL OF
Best Pick: Yoenis Cespedes – I have no clue what he is going to do, but it will definitely be fun to find out. I also give myself props for Buchholz, because I nearly took him three rounds before this, and just kept passing, because I needed hitting more than luxurious pitchers. Clay Buchholz is good.

Worst Pick: Carlos Quentin – He’s been in decline, is injury prone, and is going to the worst hitter’s park in the league. Yeah, good luck with that.
Lucas Duda, NYM 1B
Mike Minor, Atl SP
Adam Dunn, CWS 1B  
Alex Rios, CWS OF
Brandon Belt, SF 1B
Geovany Soto, ChC C
Ted Lilly, LAD SP
Ryan Dempster, ChC SP
Jose Altuve, Hou 2B
Best Pick: Brandon McCarthy – Pretty damn good pitcher for Round 19. That’s just good value staring you in the face.

Worst Pick: Lucas Duda – I have seriously never heard of Lucas Duda. I follow sports pretty closely. Who the hell is Lucas Duda? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he sucks.
Derek Holland, Tex SP
Bryce Harper, Wsh OF
Grant Balfour, Oak RP
Tim Stauffer, SD SP
Edwin Jackson, Wsh SP
Mike Carp*, Sea 1B
Sergio Santos, Tor RP  
Matt Capps, Min RP
Mark Trumbo, LAA 1B
Best Pick: Edwin Jackson – One of my favorites in this draft; I just don’t see a way where Edwin Jackson doesn’t provide quality stats for Washington this year. It’s a safe pick with pretty solid upside, so it is excellent selection at this point in the draft.

Worst Pick: Bryce Harper – Harper struggled when transitioning to Double-A last year, so yeah, even when he finally does make it up, he isn’t going to go hog wild on everybody when making his debut.
Chris Perez, Cle RP
Delmon Young, Det OF  
Jonny Venters, Atl RP
Wilson Ramos, Wsh C
Jair Jurrjens, Atl SP
Bud Norris, Hou SP
Brett Myers, Hou SP
Mat Gamel, Mil 3B
Sean Marshall, Cin RP
Best Pick: Chad Billingsley – I really like Billingsley and see no reason why he can’t produce numbers as good as his best year in the majors.

Worst Pick: Jair Jurrjens – I know this isn’t an awful pick, but I just don’t enjoy watching Jurrjens pitch, so I expect people to smash him or for him to get hurt. Either way, I have no faith in Jair.
Trevor Cahill, Ari SP
John Danks, CWS SP
Matt Thornton, CWS RP
Jose Tabata, Pit OF
Kenley Jansen, LAD RP
Ricky Nolasco, Mia SP  
Chris Davis, Bal 3B
Best Pick: Matt Thornton – I think he’ll be a steal for a closer this year. I think he could put up a Hanrahan like year this season, so Thornton is really good value at this point.

Worst Pick: Chris Davis – I have been a believer in Chris Davis for five years, but he still hasn’t put it together. It’s time to give up on him ever making an impact.
Nolan Reimold, Bal OF
Jake Peavy, CWS SP  
Homer Bailey, Cin SP
Vance Worley, Phi SP
Mark Buehrle, Mia SP
Chipper Jones*, Atl 3B
J.D. Martinez, Hou OF
Best Pick: Mark Buehrle – It’s never pretty, but he produces, and he’s going to the easier league in a pitcher’s park. That’s a nice combo.

Worst Pick: Chipper Jones – Stick a fork in him; he’s done.
Omar Infante, Mia 2B
Lorenzo Cain, KC OF
Kurt Suzuki, Oak C
Brian Matusz, Bal SP
James Loney, LAD 1B
Erik Bedard, Pit SP
R.A. Dickey, NYM SP
Ivan Nova, NYY SP
Travis Snider, Tor OF  
Stephen Drew, Ari SS
Raul Ibanez, NYY OF
Best Pick: Erik Bedard – Maybe it’ll only be 120 innings, but they’ll be 120 damn good innings. Honorable mention to Brian Matusz who I would have taken had I not run out of roster space for him.

Worst Pick: Travis Snider – If loving Travis Snider is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Rafael Furcal, StL SS
Ben Revere, Min OF
Jason Bay, NYM OF
Brett Pill, SF 1B
Justin Smoak, Sea 1B
Mike Leake, Cin SP
Trevor Bauer, Ari SP
Brian Roberts*, Bal 2B
Mike Adams, Tex RP
Best Pick: Vinnie Pestrano – I think he has a strong shot to take the closer’s job from Chris Perez.

Worst Pick: Brett Pill – Don’t feel bad Brett, you’re still a better pick than Bryce Harper.

And that's all 25 rounds of the draft. So who's going to win this thing? Well, if you want the answer to that, just click here to find out.