Friday, January 29, 2016

Let's Remember Faarooq Asad

Faarooq Asad is one of those characters that has stuck with me far past his influence should have. I think this is partly that I was a huge Ron Simmons fan in WCW, wondered why he was no longer wrestling (remember: this is pre-internet), and then saw him show up in WWE as...a...I don't know, an oversized baby with a bad alien warrior outfit?

And here's the thing, he kind of came in like an awesome badass. He just came down and beat the shit out of Ahmed Johnson. It would have given him immediate legitimacy, but he was dressed up as a futuristic space gladiator, and nobody quite knew what that meant.

On top of this, he was given Sunny as a manager, and they just didn't fit together. It was a little like when they put Cesaro with Paul Heyman. On paper, the pairing seemed like a great idea, but it wasn't the right fit, nor the right time. Cesaro was finally starting to get cheered, and Paul Heyman is at his best when he is trying to get heat from the crowd, so it put Cesaro in this weird limbo. Faarooq Asad is this futuristic space warrior who is only about destroying anyone in his path, but they give him an upbeat blonde who was the most downloaded woman on the internet. Sunny was great at getting a reaction, but she wasn't the person to help Faarooq get the correct reaction.

But that's nitpicking. The big issue was the outfit. I mean, just look at this asshole.

There is literally no way for a guy to get over while wearing that.

The only thing they got right in the early going was his first interview. Do you know the thing that he talked about to make the crowd hate him? He told Ahmed Johnson that he should respect women. Sadly, that worked, because if there is one thing the WWE Universe hates, it is definitely women.

And yet, this version of Faarooq stuck with me far more than his Nation of Domination run where my only takeaway is that he started it, but it's most important moment was The Rock taking it over. I'll always remember you Weirdo Space Warrior, Faarooq Asad, maybe not fondly, but I'll remember you all the same.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

My Review of the Shrine Game

Since the Rose Bowl was the last game, come to think of it, only game I attended this college football season, I was left with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. Luckily, I had one last chance to watch college football players compete against each other as the East-West Shrine Game was just down the road from where I live at Tropicana Field.

Now, this is not the Senior Bowl, which has a ton of the top Senior talent from all around the nation and some likely first round picks. This is a leftovers game, but that doesn't mean there weren't some intriguing guys on the field. The most notable name was probably Keenan Reynolds, who set the all-time NCAA touchdown record, but he didn't play. I would guess the next most notable name was Vernon Adams, Jr., quarterback of Oregon this past season. Still, the guys I was most interested in seeing were Iowa safety, Jordan Lomax, and former Iowa quarterback (with his final season at Michigan), Jake Rudock.

Overall, I would say that Lomax looked solid, as he made a few tackles and seemed to do well in coverage. There are a lot of rules to simplify things in these All-Star games, so there isn't a ton of room for a safety to stand out outside of being in a good position for a quarterback's mistake. Lomax is a guy who is going to have to shine on special teams to get a shot at the next level, but he has the tools necessary to succeed there.

As for Rudock, well, uh, it was not great. He technically lead the East to all of their scores, as they had an interception that put them deep in the West's territory that ended in a field goal, and he was still the active quarterback when the defense got an interception that they returned for a touchdown. He is going to be accurate, but he just doesn't have the arm strength to be a viable candidate to be a professional quarterback at the next level. He was a Pre-Med Major; he's a former college quarterback; I think he's going to be fine.

But the star quarterback, and really, the star of the game was Vernon Adams Jr. I'll admit that the only game I really focused on from Oregon this year was when they got beaten badly by Michigan State, a game that Adams was not 100%. He was definitely 100% for this game, as he straight tore things up on the field. Adams is an interesting prospect, as he is very athletic, but relatively small for a quarterback, standing just 6'0" tall. In this game, he showed abilities to make plays from the pocket, and definitely showed that he knows how to move around and make plays as well. His 93 yard touchdown pass will get the most highlights, but it wasn't his best play, as he did a good job of avoiding the rush before finding a guy that was wide open. It was much more impressive to see him scan the field from the pocket and find the open man in the rhythm of the play.

In an All-Star game, it's tough to stand out if you're not a skill position guy, and I'll admit that I was only focusing on the big aspects of the game as opposed to trying to breakdown the footwork of offensive linemen, so Adams was really the only guy who seemed to stand out. Brandon Doughty was getting some buzz, but he failed to impress when he took the reins of the offense. Joel Stave performed exactly how you would expect Joel Stave to perform.

More importantly than what happened on the field was what was happening off the field. CLOWNS. Lots and lots of clowns. I've never been a big clown guy, but I gotta admit it; these clowns added a lot to my entertainment. I mean, sure, they did some clown stuff for entertainment, but even more fascinating was when they were just a bunch of dudes hanging out in full clown gear. One guy even had on a football costume with shoulderpads and a football on a string that he would use to trick people. Does he use that year round, or is this his only time of year to shine (or Shrine, if you prefer)? Anyway, I would love it if football got rid of cheerleaders and replaced them with an army of clowns. There is no way that ends badly.

The East-West Shrine Game is not the Senior Bowl, but it's got $15 General Admission tickets, and there are worse ways to spend a Saturday evening, especially if you can convince your wife to count it as a date night.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Verizon Wireless Screwed Me Out of $100

Verizon Wireless has the best product for phone service. I really never have issues with my coverage, and my network is able to pop up Twitter when I need it.

That being said, their customer service is absolute shit. I spent way too many hours on the phone just trying to get what was rightfully mine, and they were ready and waiting to find a way to screw me out of $100. But let's go back to the beginning.

My wife was due for a new phone around Thanksgiving. On Black Friday, I braved the crowds to go to the Verizon store and see what kind of a deal I could get her. I found out that I could get $200 off a Galaxy S6, and then another $100 credit from her phone being two years old. This sounds great to me. The guy lets me know that the deal only lasts through the weekend, which is no big deal, as we can just stop by the next day and get it taken care of.

So, we cruise in on Saturday morning to just get it done and over with, and when I ask about the deal, I am informed that the deal was only good for Black Friday. Now that $200 off is only $100 off. I confidently notified that I was told it lasted through the weekend, as clearly, they would honor that deal. They did not, and had no intention of giving me anything more than their current offers. This did not sit well with me, but I refused to give up.

I contacted Verizon's customer service, still confident that they would quickly take care of this situation. I talked to the first person, and they were surprisingly unable to help me. Undeterred, I asked to speak with their supervisor. He was only willing to get me that same deal that the store was offering, and I had to inform him that that deal was not good enough. We went back and forth on this being all that he could do until finally he became so exasperated that he got his supervisor on the line.

This is where things got more interesting. The third-tier of Verizon customer service was parroting a lot of what the other two had been saying. But I brought up that clearly they give credits for different things, so couldn't they do that since I was given bad information, and I was literally calling nine hours after the deal had expired, thinking I still had 39 hours to do it. Our conversation went something like this:

Verizon: Well, I could do that, but if I did that in this situation it wouldn't go through.
Me: Why not?
Verizon: Well, it would get flagged since there wouldn't be proper reason for it.
Me: Well, just do it anyway, and if it gets flagged, then I can deal with that later.
Verizon: I can't.
Me: You just said you could.
Verizon: Well, it would probably get flagged, and ethically, it wouldn't be right.

It was at this point that I brought up the fact that ethically, a business should honor their words to their customers, so the only ethical solution would be to give me my rightful discount. When asked, "Wouldn't giving me the discount be the ethical thing to do?" he started stammering over his words and tried to get off the ethics conversation.

After nearly an hour and a half, he finally told me that his supervisor would call me back during the week since they don't work on the weekends. I said that was fine, and that I would be looking forward to their call, as I was not ready to give up on getting what was rightfully mine.

Those garbage people never called me back.

Then a combination of life getting in the way ad me not really wanting to deal with another hour on the phone with customer service delayed my plan nearly two months as it got near the middle of January. I was finally bored enough to deal with it and again got on the phone with their customer service team. They started saying very similar things, and then stated that had I purchased the phone when I first spoke with them on the phone, maybe they could have given me the necessary credit to get me the full discount, but since I didn't buy it then, there was nothing they could do.

This was absolutely complete and utter crap, as had I already bought the phone, they would have said that I agreed to that deal, and had I waited to talk to someone else, maybe they could have given me the proper deal. It's a great strategy for screwing people over; it's just horribly dishonest and despicable.

Anyway, after another hour on the phone, I finally broke and just got the phone. If the phone was for myself, I would have waited it out and kept spending hours on the phone with customer service, but the only person who was suffering was my wife who was stuck with her old, crappy phone. The good news is that she really likes the new phone, so props to Samsung for making a quality product.

Verizon Wireless, you screwed me out of $100. Please give me the money you owe me. Thanks.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

2016 Royal Rumble Predictions With Betting Odds

It's that special time of the year where Hott Joe and Lukewarm Jonah come together to write about the Royal Rumble betting odds. Do you want to win the big money? Do you want to make the Powerball winners look more like people who can only afford TV Dinners? Well, then I have just the breakdown for you. Take it away, Jonah.

Jonah: If there’s one complaint I hear the most it’s that there aren’t enough articles about betting on a predetermined event.  Also, I just really, really love talking about wrestling.  So with that in mind it’s time for the Royal Rumble betting odds article. Here are the odds for the big match. 

Royal Rumble Winner:
Triple H: +105
Roman Reigns: +225
Brock Lesnar: +250
Rusev: +1400
Dean Ambrose: +1800
Daniel Bryan: +1800
The Rock: +1800
Kevin Owens: +2000
The Undertaker: +2000
Ryback: +2500
Bray Wyatt: +2500
Big Show: +2500
AJ Styles: +3300
Sheamus: +3300
Shinsuke Nakamura: +3500
Braun Strowman: +3500
Cesaro: +3500
Dolph Ziggler: +4000
Randy Orton: +4000
Finn Balor: +5000
Big E: +6600
Kane: +6600
King Barrett: +6600
Neville: +6600
Titus O’Neil: +8000
Alex Riley: +10000
Bo Dallas: +10000
Curtis Axel: +10000
Damien Sandow: +10000
Darren Young: +10000
Erick Rowan: +10000
Fandango: +10000
Goldust: +10000
Heath Slater: +10000
Kofi Kingston: +10000
Luke Harper: +10000
Mark Henry: +10000
R-Truth: +10000
Stardust: +10000
The Miz: +10000
Tyson Kidd: +10000
Vince or Shane McMahon: +10000
Zack Ryder: +10000
Adam Rose: +15000
Fernando: +15000
El Torito: +15000
Stone Cold: +20000

Jonah: Hott Joe and I already discussed this a lot on the phone, but Triple H was my initial pick for Rumble winner.  We haven’t seen him in a very long time and the last time we saw him he got his ass handed to him by Roman.  Also, we have to consider how HHH books himself; as the greatest of all time.  If he wins then I’m sure Roman will get the shot at Wrestlemania and HHH will probably put him over there, but is that really how you want to book your top star?  After our conversation I thought about it a little longer, and after seeing the odds I’m betting on Roman to retain.  I think the possibility of either him or HHH winning is 50/50 and Roman is giving better than 2/1 on your money.  Roman losing the title here means he probably wins it back at Wrestlemania.  Because of the Sheamus cash in that will already make him a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion in the course of a few months.  What is this, Russo booked WCW?  Smark burn.  You don’t want to devalue your belt or the champion by hotshotting it too much.  Also, I don’t give Lesnar a shot since he’s now feuding with the Wyatts, they’ll probably come in after they’ve all been eliminated and cheaply eliminate him.  

Joe: Christ. Triple H is favored to win this thing? You have GOT to be kidding me. At first, I thought that the crowd would be too upset to let this happen, but then I remembered that it is in Orlando, home of NXT and the WWE Performance Center, which means that if Triple H is getting cheered anywhere, it would probably be down there. There is also a strong rumor that next year’s WrestleMania will be held there, and if he made that announcement earlier in the show, well, hell, I might cheer for him then, because that is a two-hour drive I would definitely be making in 2017. But I’m not ready to pick any of the three favorites.

Jonah: So Reigns is my betting pick, but I feel like talking about wrestling some more so I’m going to go over some of my favorite long shot picks.  

Daniel Bryan at 18/1.  Still the most over guy in the company.  If he returns, he has to win or else you’ll have the third Rumble in a row that has the crowd shitting all over it.  The question is, does he return?  It’s a long shot, but like I said, if he’s there, he’s almost got to win it, either that or the WWE are very slow learners.

Joe: Bingo, bango, here’s my pick to be the winner. I don’t think it is unfathomable to think that the WWE and Daniel Bryan may be lying about Daniel Bryan’s ability to wrestle. I think they have been saving him for this moment, so the crowd can lose their shit and he can be triumphant in his return. I’m not even the biggest Daniel Bryan fan, but if they are serious about Lesnar going up against Bray Wyatt, eh, might as well make it Daniel Bryan vs. Cesaro as the Main Event of WrestleMania. Jonah, what else you got?

Jonah: Dean Ambrose at 18/1 is pretty awesome odds.  They could build a storyline for Wrestlemania that would do big business with Dean and Roman facing off.  Two brothers, one possibly turning heel, going against each other.  The story writes itself and he’s got a hell of a better chance of winning then say Rusev who has better odds.

Joe: I definitely agree that he has better odds than Rusev, but that doesn’t mean that this would make a good WrestleMania Main Event. I am what you would call a Dean Ambrose “hater” in that I do not really care about him. It doesn’t mean I don’t like him, but if you give me a choice between seeing Dean Ambrose or Heath Slater, I’m taking Heath Slater. I would put him on about the same level as Curtis Axel. They’re not my favorites, but they’re fine.

Jonah: How about AJ Styles at 33/1?  His debut is going to be a huge deal.  I love the guy, he can go like hell in the ring, and has really developed as a character over the years.  It’s a super long shot that he comes in and wins the belt immediately, but what better way to make new stars than have him and at least one or two Bullet Club members come in, wreck shit, and have their guy as champ.  It’s a bold strategy, but the WWE needs to be bold with falling ratings and massive injuries.

Joe: Having AJ Styles debut in Orlando (or anywhere in the state of Florida) is asking for a huge disappointment. Florida would pop bigger for Marty Jannetty than they would for AJ Styles (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He needs to debut in the northeast or Chicago where the “hardcore” fans are, so they will actually care about him debuting. 

Jonah: Here’s one I know you’re going to love: Big E at 66/1.  The New Day is without a doubt the most entertaining part of every RAW.  They’re super over and really people love them even though they’re technically heels.  Big E not only has a phenomenal look, but is charismatic as hell and puts on good matches.  Sounds like a combination for a main event push, but what do I know?

Joe: Well, full disclosure, we talked earlier this week, and I was asked who I would want to see win who had a realistic shot (sorry Cesaro, Seth Rollins, and Hulk Hogan who are either too injured or too racist), and my response was Big E. He’s a Hawkeye; I’m a Hawkeye, and I may have stolen girls from him on the dance floor of The Field House in Iowa City (there is no way to confirm or deny this). So yes, I’m hoping that Big E shocks the world and becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Jonah: My last one is Kofi Kingston at 100/1.  See above about New Day, and add in the fact that he’s been Intercontinental Champ numerous times and has shown that he can hang in main event feuds as he did with Orton back in the day.

Joe: Not all that interested in a Kofi Renaissance; I feel like he’s right where he needs to be at this moment. However, I do have some picks that didn’t make the betting board. Since they aren’t even on the board, you should be able to get them for +20000.

Random NXT Superstar – My money is on this being Samoa Joe, but there’s a lot of angles they could go with this. Still, a fellow Samoan coming out to help out Roman Reigns, only to turn on him in the end isn’t the worst angle that they’ve ever come up with. This won’t happen, but I wouldn’t be mad at it. Also, Sami Zayn is probably the second most likely guy to show up. He’s kind of new Daniel Bryan in that it’s impossible not to cheer for him, but he has to remain an underdog for years before he can make it to the top, so winning as a surprise Rumble entrant probably isn’t in the cards.

Batista – Are you telling me they wouldn’t let Batista win another one? They don’t care if you hate Batista; Batista must win. Bonus points if he gets eliminated early and comes out as Bluetista later on.

Finally, I thought about how they could get the crowd excited for an unexpected winner. Like, who would this Orlando crowd go crazy for? And then it hit me. There is one figure that is more beloved in Orlando than any figure in that awful city’s history. It ain’t Walt Disney, it ain’t Mickey Mouse. Oh no, it’s somebody who is universally loved and revered. 

That’s right. My surprise pick to win the Royal Rumble at 100000000 to 1 odds is Lil’ Penny.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Cutting Cable Can Turn You Into a Nerd

Cutting cable saves a lot of money; this is a very nice thing. Most shows are available for a fraction of the cost, so I do not miss it too much. However, my internet has worked like shit this holiday weekend, and that really sucks. It was only in the 60s this weekend, so going outside was hardly an option unless I wanted to...put on a sweatshirt (shutters).

This left me with slow internet, no way of streaming anything, with only books to read. So, basically, what I am saying is that cutting cable may save you money, but it could also turn you into a nerd.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kali Muscle's "FLEXIN" Video

Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video. 

There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?
Inline image 1
Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.

And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.
Inline image 2
And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in. 
Inline image 3
That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." 

Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.
Inline image 4
I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.

Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.

But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.
Inline image 5
Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.
Inline image 7
I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.

But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.
Inline image 6
He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother. 

And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I Went To The Rose Bowl And Saw Iowa Get Their Ass Kicked

When Iowa made the Rose Bowl this year, I planned on finding a way to go. Then I saw that tickets were nearly $700, and I quickly decided that I could watch the game from a television and get enough of the experience. Then, about two weeks before the game, ticket prices dropped, and I told my wife that I would be ditching her on New Year's Eve to fly across the country so I could attend the game. Oh, and then I asked her if she could drive me 2.5 hours from her sister's place to DC, so I could catch a flight out there.

I got out late on New Year's Eve and plans to party with fancy people in downtown LA quickly changed to partying at a dive bar. Before I could head down there, a buddy of mine from the LA crew came back to his house (where I was staying) and said he was feeling sick and that it was going to be coming out of both ends. He then walked about three steps, and started projectile vomiting a comical amount of puke over and over again. As he was bent over getting everything out of his system, my Lyft ride came, so I patted him on the back, told him good luck, and headed to the bar to talk shit to my buddies.

My buddies were shockingly hanging out with members of the opposite sex, and the ladies found my shit-talk super charming (they repeatedly referred to me as an asshole), and I could tell that they were disappointed when they saw a ring on my finger. After dashing those girls' hopes of hooking up with a certified G and a bonafide stud, it was about 12:30, which meant it was time for this old dog to head home and get ready for an early morning.

I naturally woke up at 5:00 AM and could not go back to sleep, because it was the ROSE BOWL. Still, nobody else quite shared my enthusiasm, so I took my time pooping before I got bored and had to start playing Psychostick's chart-topping hit, "Beer!" 

There is no better song to get ready for the day, and it did get them and their vomit-soaked bodies moving, although still slower than I would have preferred. Still, we were able to get an Uber up there before 8:00 AM. 

This is where things got interesting. One guy brought up staying sober and watching the parade. I thought he was joking. Then another guy said that he'd like to do that too, and I knew that these jokers were serious. There was no way I was going to waste anymore time to watch giant balloons float around while possibly getting free candy (I'm an adult). So, although I may have ditched three friends, I was still rolling deep with a dozen of my best friends, 12 cans of Natural Light.

After knocking back a beer and receiving a half dozen compliments on my beer choice, I decided to do something that I do not ever endorse, and that is fire up Facebook. I knew my good friends were still hours away, but maybe I knew some other Hawkeye fans in the vicinity. Sure enough, I had a buddy that I worked with in Seattle that I hadn't seen in years that I saw was in the area. I went to meet up with him, and on the way, ran into an aunt and uncle that I had no clue were going to be there. It was a great way to spend a couple hours. And the moral of that story is if you drink Natural Light by yourself on a beautiful day, good things will happen (God, I want to be the spokesperson for Natural Light more than anything in this world). 

Anyway, then I met up with my lazy buddies and had a totally uneventful time as I finished off my 12 pack before we headed into the game. Now, at 12 beers deep, I'm feeling good. I'm talkative but always friendly. I was having amicable conversations with a variety of Stanford fans, even getting a sweet treat from some ladies; was it for being the sexiest fan in attendance? Well, they didn't specify that it wasn't. 

As I said, all of my conversations were amicable, but that doesn't mean I wasn't talking some shit while waiting in line. There were a few black people willing to go back and forth with me (white people aren't confident enough to go toe to toe with my wit) about their evil Stanford Cardinal and my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes. It ended with me saying that I was going to find where they were sitting, come down, snuggle right in between them and let them know how great the Iowa Hawkeyes are. They were getting a good chuckle out of it and said they hoped to see me later.

As I entered the stadium, I'll admit, I was a little in awe. It wasn't logical to be in awe, but my love of the Rose Bowl was already solidly built on my desire to be there. For me, the Rose Bowl was like a kid going to Disneyland. The familiar sights and past stories made it the happiest place on Earth before I even set a foot inside of it. Maybe it's not the most up to date, amazing place in all areas, but my admiration of the entire place was going to cover up any warts that existed. If you asked me to describe it, I could tell you that the concourses were open and the sight lines were good. Outside of that, I'd really just say that you have to be there to experience it.

We got to our seats that were in the corner of an endzone in the 22nd row, and it also had a cement barricade right in front of us which was perfect for setting down our drinks. It gave us a great view of everything and would allow us to see plays develop.

So this is the part where I need to talk about the game, don't I? Shit. Well, before the game, I read a breakdown from SmartFootball of a HB Option play for McCaffery that went over how difficult it is for defenses in man coverage to handle. I wasn't concerned, because Iowa usually zones their linebackers, so they at least shouldn't be susceptible to that. Of course, Iowa played man on the first snap of the game, Stanford called that EXACT play, and Christian McCaffery used deceptive speed (because he's white) to roll into the endzone without a Hawkeye even threatening to touch him.

As Stanford fans jumped around in front of me, I saw some familiar faces just three rows in front of me. That's right; it was the people I was talking shit to. Some would call that karma, and they would probably be correct, but they started pointing up at me, and I assured them that I still planned on snuggling up next to them to celebrate as Iowa was beating Stanford in the second half.

Then Stanford scored again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And I continued to talk shit the ENTIRE TIME. I continued to tell them that they were going to have to make room for me, so I could educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes. I'm an incredibly optimistic person when I have 12 Natural Lights in me, so I figured, hey, if Stanford can score 35 points in a half, there's no reason Iowa can't as well. I was still screaming about how Iowa was just playing with Stanford when Tom Arnold came on the Jumbotron, and nearly said what I was saying verbatim. It was the first sign that maybe I had been drinking too much.

And then Stanford scored again, but this time it was only a field goal, so...victory? 

It got near the end of the 3rd quarter where Iowa cut the lead to 38-3, and I decided it was time to take my medicine. I promised those Stanford fans that I would be snuggling right in between them and educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes, and that's exactly what I did. When I snuck up and sat down between them, their faces went from shock to uproarious laughter as I told them I was a man of my word and that I still believed the Hawkeyes had the game in the bag. I picked a great time to sit down there, as shortly after that, CJB threw a deep ball to Matt VandeBerg for Iowa's first touchdown. Oh man, did I shove that right in their highly educated and successful faces. Then Koehn missed the extra point, because of course he did. After that, the Stanford fans got pictures with the smartest/coolest/sexiest guy (I'm talking about me) there, and I took the long journey (three rows up) back to my regular seats.

Iowa and Stanford each added touchdowns to make the final score 45-16 (Iowa won the second half 16-10, NO BIG DEAL). Iowa had their worst game of the year and got their asses handed to them, but it was still a great experience. 

How did I stay so positive throughout the entire game? Maybe it's because now that I'm an adult I have a little perspective on things and realized that it's just a football game. But that seems unlikely, because I still scream at my television during Iowa sporting events like a lunatic. No, it was something bigger than that. No matter the outcome, Iowa was finally playing in the Rose Bowl. 

The Rose Bowl. 

To most people, it's just a stadium, but in this kid's eyes, it's Disneyland, and it's hard to be sad when you're at the happiest place on Earth.