Thursday, January 31, 2013

Suits Power Rankings: Week 2 - Blood in the Water

Well, this preview is late, and for that, I apologize, but what better way to get ready for an episode tonight than getting all caught up on last week's action? Who did the best lawyering last week? Well, that's what I'm here to answer, as I have an expert legal mind when it comes to dramatic lawyer shows that go over very little actual lawyering. I may not have a law degree, but I do have the Law & Order theme on my phone, so, yeah, I'd say I'm more than qualified.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey shows up on time for once, only to learn he may be losing a top internet client. Harvey is obsessed with not losing a client, because he may lose his client with the coolest name, Trent Devin.  Harvey is all up in Louis's face, because of all the stress throughout the firm. He calls him out for all of his shit, and makes Louis look like a real bitch. It's a classic power move, although it actually backfires on him as Louis is ready to leave the firm. After getting scolded by Jessica, he makes the least amount of effort possible to retain Louis, and Louis takes it as the greatest gesture ever. That's manipulation at its best. At its next best is convincing a client to let him look over the new deal, so he could prove that it was too good to be true. No losing clients for Harvey, although Jessica still won't put his name on the wall.

2. Jessica Pearson - She's all hot and bothered, and not in the good way, because the firm is losing clients. She actually showed some heart when Louis came to her looking for a way out. She reassured Louis and kept him in the firm by being nice, because even though she signed the sheet, she still hoped they could retain Louis. She made Harvey be nice to Louis, because he has to prove himself to get his name next to hers. She made a strong case for being number one this week, but she talked trash about Michael Jordan, and that is unacceptable.

3. Jimmy - He screwed over Pearson Hardman, got fired, and ended up with a better job. Now he's got an office, and his firm is taking people from his old employer. He's got enough money to buy Mike beers. Life is good for Jimmy. Even though he was kind of a scumbag back in the day, Jimmy is likable, and that's a good combination for lawyering. Plus, he now gets to work with Harold, which may be the greatest spinoff show of all time.

4. Harold Jakowski - He put in too much toner in the copier, but that was the least of his worries. His second biggest worry is that he did a kickass job on everything Louis asked him to do, but still got fired since they lost the client. Harold believes he would have been much better off had he known Mike at Harvard, but little does he know that he would have just had easy access to weed had that been the case.  His biggest worry was that he got a shark tattoo that looks like a manatee. Luckily, he got a job at another law firm. Don't ever stop Harolding, Harold.

5.Louis Litt - First he messed with Jessica Pearson, and now he is messing with Harold. This is not good kharma, which may be causing him to lose clients. He set up a meeting with the evil Allison Holt to try and jump ship. Unfortunately, he showed how worthless he was before asking for things, which is not the best negotiation strategy. He first aided Mike and helped him find the problem in the deal that was too good to be true for Trent's company. Although he left his resignation letter on the desk, it was impossible to believe in it. Louis is a dog that is just desperate for a bone, and Harvey gave him that by ripping up his resignation letter. Louis has now forgotten all the mean shit that everyone has done to him (some of it deserved) and is fully on board with Pearson Hardman.

6. Mike Ross - He starts the episode by vacuuming up all of his weed, which seems like a silly thing to do. They established that Harvey smokes weed last season, so there is a baseline for doing that. He's just acting emotional, because he slept with some dude's wife. He could have smoked some of that weed to take away from the pain of getting his ass kicked by Tess's husband.. A real lawyer would have tied him up in a rhetoric battle instead of a physical battle. He did save himself by getting Harold a new job, because Harold is the best.

7. Allison Holt - She's still an icy cold broad, who says she does her own thing, but Harvey and Jessica don't trust her. She gave Louis the hard sell on jumping ship, because he negotiated like a child. That was some good lawyering. Unfortunately, she got hardcore outlawyered by Harvey, and that's bad lawyering.

8. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN still has his name on the wall, WHAT!

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Donna Paulsen - She's on the ball on everything. Her acting a little bit scared makes Harvey scared. That's kind of wild that she literally can control Harvey's feelings. She is the puppet master. Make sure to get her coffee, because despite being all-powerful, she loves a good latte.

Monday, January 21, 2013

UFC on Fox: Johnson vs. Dodson Predictions

So I'm going to the UFC on Fox card this coming Saturday. I am very pumped as it will not only be my first UFC card, it is also just a really stacked card. I know which fight I am most excited about, but there are like five fights that are close in being the second most exciting fight to watch.

I'll admit I didn't look that hard for odds on fights, but I found them for the main card. Two fights that are not on the main card are Ryan Bader vs. Vladimir Matyushenko and Clay Guida making his featherweight debut against Hatsu Hioki. I'm taking Bader and Guida in those fights, although I do feel that the Janitor is very underrated. I think Guida could be a real force at 145, because his lack of size at lightweight was probably his biggest issue. Also, Clay Guida is an awesome dude, and that slightly factors into my picks.

TJ Grant (-120) over Matt Wiman
I think TJ Grant will be too physical for Wiman. I think he will bully him in the clinch and be able to take him to the ground if he chooses to. I see it as a close fight, but I think Grant will win a decision.

Erik Koch (-150) over Ricardo Lamas
I think this is a real even matchup. Both of these guys are very tough featherweights, and it should be a fun stylistic match. Koch will want to keep the fight standing and strike, while Lamas is going to look to take him down. I think both guys will be successful at different points of the fight, but I see Koch keeping it standing enough to earn a decision over Lamas. Still, it should be a fun fight to watch.

Anthony Pettis (-120) over Donald Cerrone
Although Pettis was not impressive against Clay Guida or Jeremy Stephens, he looked like his old self when he decimated Joe Lauzon. He has had a year off due to injuries, so it is tough to say if he can pick up where he left off, but I really believe he can. Cerrone is one of the toughest guys in the UFC, so I really hate to pick against him. Still, the matchups that will cause Pettis problems are wrestlers, and Cerrone will stand up with him and trade shots. I think Pettis will get the better of more exchanges to earn the victory.

Glover Teixeira (-300) over Quinton Jackson
In these other fights, I really hate picking against either of the guys in the fight. In this fight, I would like to pick against both of these guys. Teixeira hasn't lost in nearly eight years. That's insane, but he also hasn't fought the best competition, so I still think it is hard to say that this guy is one of the best light heavyweights in the world. On the other hand, Rampage hasn't been the same guy in a while. I feel like most fighters have progressed past him, where he is just trying to maintain his old level of skill as opposed to striving for improvement. He's said this will be his last fight in the UFC, and he just doesn't seem like a guy who wants it as bad as he used to. Hopefully he can move past fighting and live a life, because I have a feeling that a lot of his contemporaries are going to run into some mental health issues down the road. Teixeira by submission in the second round.

John Dodson (+175) over Demetrious Johnson
I am going to be up front about something. I was trained by John Dodson. He is an awesome guy, and the main reason I am going to this UFC card is to support him and hopefully watch him win the UFC Flyweight Championship. Obviously, it's tough for me to give an unbiased opinion on this fight, but the more I think about the fight, the more I believe that John Dodson will win. I'll admit that when I first heard the matchup, I thought that it would be a tough matchup for Dodson. As I have thought about it more, I think it's a tough matchup for both guys. I don't know if anybody is as fast as Demetrious Johnson. That dude is incredible. But Dodson is incredibly fast too. I think the speed advantage probably goes to Johnson since he is more active with his footwork. But power, without a doubt, goes to Dodson. All it takes is one shot with a guy like that, and he can end the fight. Johnson does a very good job of picking his shots with takedowns, but Dodson has very good defensive wrestling. On top of that, both guys come from very good training camps. Oh yeah, and neither of these guys have been finished.

So with all that information...well, shit, these guys are pretty damn evenly matched. I do see this match being won on the feet, so it's a matter of picking a preference of Johnson's speed versus Dodson's power. I just don't see Johnson being able to pop in, land shots, and pop out without taking some shots from Dodson. I'm going with John Dodson by TKO in the fourth round.

Even though I'm not sure what's going to happen in the fights, I am sure that it will be a hell of a night of fights, and I'm pumped for it.


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Guest Post: Is the Seattle/Atlanta Game Still Going On?

Hey everybody, we have some exciting news for the blog. It will now have guest posts. Do you feel like venting to the world and not want your name associated with it? Just let me know. I will respond if I disagree, but if it is well thought out, I will gladly post it so you can take advantage of a readership that has interest in sex with animals and My Little Pony. Now, here is our first column, submitted by Lukewarm Jonah, with an added editorial response from me at the end:

Lost in the excitement of an amazing Seattle Seahawks Atlanta Falcons game was the very last play of the game. Russell Wilson threw deep, chucked it up in the air and hoped and prayed that someone came down with it. Sadly for Wilson the person who came down with the ball was Julio Jones who made a great snag for an interception. The game was over... or was it? After Jones made the pick his teammates helped him up, and he dropped the ball in the end zone. Jones had not been touched down by the other team, therefore the play should have still been going on and the ball that was dropped was live. I’m shocked that there wasn't one player on either team who saw this happen and decided to jump on the ball. If for argument’s sake the Seahawks had jumped on the ball and started to argue with the refs, they would have had a shot to win the game. The play was an interception which means it would have been automatically reviewed. All I’m saying is if one of those Seahawks players would have jumped on the ball and made a review happen we might be looking at a different NFC Championship game. So where were the players? Where were the coaches? If I’m on that sideline I’m yelling at a player who was on the field to go grab that ball and I’m grabbing a ref to get a review going. So if there’s a team out there looking for a review official in their front office I would like to offer my services. If the Seahawks or the Falcons are offering a job, I will personally fly to Atlanta right now and recover that fumble that’s sitting in the end zone, it really seems like someone should.


Hott Joe Analysis:

I disagreed with this analysis, as I was pretty sure there is a rule in place that goes over when a runner goes down and makes no attempt to advance the ball. I checked the NFL rulebook and found this:

"Section 2     Dead Ball
Article 1:  Dead Ball Declared.  An official shall declare the ball dead and the down ended:...
(e)  when a runner is out of bounds, or declares himself down by falling to the ground, or kneeling, and making no effort to advance"

I believe that he fell to the ground and made no attempt to advance the ball before tossing it aside. Lukewarm Jonah disagreed, but you can make your own judgment:

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Suits Power Rankings: Blind-Sided

Hey everybody, Suits is back! I'm very excited about this. Last time this show was on, I had to compare their best lawyers against the best from Franklin and Bash. But there's no FandB now, so it is time to strictly focus on Suits. This is also good, because Suits took a big step forward, while FandB took a big step back. As always, these are lawyer power rankings, so if you don't practice law, you don't make the list (sorry, Donna). To keep things fresh, I will add one spot at the end for the best contribution from a non-lawyer (you're welcome, Donna). Now onto the rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - He starts off by revealing that he's been spitting game at Zoe. After spitting, he does some shitting on Louis, because he is looking to make his life hell at every opportunity. Harvey doesn't bring flowers on dates, but he does love charming young nieces. Alas, his romance was not to be, because Zoe's brother has cancer. He puts Mike in his place for being a pussy, because Harvey crushes pussies. Not the strongest week, but he did enough to keep himself in the top spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - She's not messing around, as she comes out guns-a-blazin. She wants to take Harvey head-on, but she only said that to get a job with Pearson Hardman. Harvey laughs at her feeble plan until Mike messes everything up, and Harvey does end up hiring her. She had a plan, executed it poorly, but still won. Good for her.

3. Jessica Pearson - She is pissed about Mike Ross giving her headaches, because he never attended Harvard. She takes it out on Louis, just to show her dominance.

4. Harold Jakowski - Harold didn't make an appearance in this episode, but I don't want the world to forget how awesome he is. I hope Harold becomes Louis's associate.

5. Daniel Hardman - At least the law firm is not just called Pearson. That's a win for HARDMAN.

6. Zoe Lawford - Getting wooed by Harvey, but her brother is dying of cancer, so she has to adopt her niece. If she was a great lawyer, she could have at least negotiated a settlement with cancer. Harvey would totally beat cancer's ass in court.

7. Louis Litt - Spitting game at Female Louis, but he better bring his coconut oil, ski mask and duck tape. He get his his kinky on once he announces that "Punctuality is the best aphrodisiac." He found the associate of his dreams, but then he got treated like a bitch by Jessica, and then he lost his associate and his lady for being a bitch. Strong start, but a really awful ending for him. Louis needs to jump on the Harold train to recover for next week.

8. Mike Ross - Starts off smoking weed and banging married chicks. He is able to prove that Albert Chung is nothing but a no good thug who tags walls. Unfortunately, he is the worst negotiator ever, as the Chung family only wanted 20 grand, but he gave them 100 grand. Then he starts acting like a bitch, because his client gets high and hits graffiti artists with his car, like that's not America's pastime. He violates client-attorney privilege, but still doesn't get what he wanted. Then he turns down the half-naked lady in his bed to top everything off. Things really went downhill for Mike in this episode.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's not a lawyer yet, so she qualifies for this lower list. She started off sad, because Mike bangs other chicks. Then she gets pissed at Mike for having an affair, because she had an affair too and apparently affairs are a bad idea. She claims that she is no goody-goody, and that Mike has no idea what he passed up on. One thing is for sure, I'm all boned up over here. Peace out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Manti Te'o Is Awesome

So everybody is piling on poor Manti Te'o, since he made up a girlfriend, gave her cancer, and murdered her. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't call him poor Manti Te'o.

But seriously, how fucking ballsy is this guy? This man has no fear. I think you need to have a screw loose to throw your body into people at full speed, and this man may not have any screws at all. He does not give a shit about anything. This man has to be willing to die on the football field.

Like, his level of sociopathic behavior is impressive. And I say that as someone who relates to Dennis Reynolds, who is the very definition of a sociopath. But, shit, I could never have the dedication to make up a fake girlfriend and not tell people about how awesome I was at lying.

Oh, and if you believe that Te'o is telling the truth in his statement and had no idea that his girlfriend was fake? Well, holy shit, no need to worry about concussions ruining this guy's brain, because it is impossible to do more harm to that pile of mush.

It doesn't matter whether he's a sociopath or just an idiot, I really want the Bears to draft him.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Antonio Cesaro Is The Greatest Thing In The WWE

Antonio Cesaro is the best thing in the WWE right now. That is not easy for me to say, as I can openly admit that I am a huge mark for Dolph Ziggler, and I know Seth Rollins personally. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due, and nobody has been better over the last couple months than the United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro.

I know I should be ashamed that I am a grown man, totally buying into wrestlers, but seriously, if you saw this guy you would understand. He has been great both inside and outside the ring. Here he is uppercutting the life out of people.

He's also strong. Not like he's obviously strong, because he's a pro wrestler, but he's like freakishly strong. To the point that if he took off a couple months to focus on it, I wouldn't bet against him in the World's Strongest Man competition. People think Ryback is strong, but compared to Antonio Cesaro, Ryback is like a child trying to arm wrestle Sly Stallone in Over the Top. Here's Ryback trying to pick up Tensai.

Yeah, not too impressive. Now here's Antonio Cesaro picking up Brodus Clay like a little baby.

Yep. And if you're still not convinced? Here he is doing it to Great Khali.

So, yeah, the dude is strong.

But he's not just great in the ring; he's great on the mic as well. Heels, or bad guys, as the common man may know them, love to troll people to get a rise out of them. Cesaro has done this, but he has done it better than anyone before him. It is common for a wrestler to make fun of fans, and he started by doing this, preaching about his superiority to the common fan, and he was totally right. He became the US Champion and talked about fat and stupid Americans. This was very solid stuff, but then he got better at it. He started praising America as the greatest country ever, while still disparaging Americans for being fat and lazy. This was amazing, because it was totally true, which pisses people off even more. Then he took it a step further by bringing out an American flag out there with him.

He was getting booed vociferously while carrying the red, white, and blue. This has never happened before in the history of the United States. What could be worse than that? Carrying a GIANT American Flag to the ring. Oh yeah, and then he put an American Flag design on his trunks to top it all off.

Oh, you need further evidence of his brilliance? How about this?

Antonio Cesaro is the best. I highly suggest getting on the bandwagon now, because it is filling up fast. Also, if you're reading this, you are probably one of those fat, lazy, Americans that he talks so much about, so please take the stairs before jumping on the bandwagon.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Diamonds Are Expensive

So I went to the diamond store this weekend, and I found out that tiny diamonds carry a big price tag. Like, I knew that diamonds were expensive, but holy shit, I will not be icing out my grill anytime soon at those prices. I might CZ my grill, because those are dirt cheap and look exactly like diamonds. Basically, I don't understand diamonds. This is an evil ploy by De Beers; that's for sure. The diamonds I was looking at didn't even have children's blood on it, and you best believe I want me a blood diamond (I never saw that movie, so I'm just assuming it involved children's blood).

Diamonds? More like Dumbonds. AMIRITE?

Monday, January 7, 2013

The Top 10 Tweets From #YesWeCanseco

Jose Canseco is at it again, and he is doing his best to change the world. He had a ton of New Year's Resolutions that were supposed to keep him on track for the entire year. He was fully committed until he hit a roadblock and got distracted, but that still counts as full commitment for Jose. It has led to his strongest hashtag effort of all time, #YesWeCanseco. Let's go over the top ten tweets from this movement.
Ah, Jose had high hopes for his anti-aging formula, Ponce de Canseco. he was going to give everyone the formula for immortality in the least catchy way possible. Unfortunately, someone named Geoff took the website before Jose could lock it down. God damnit, Geoff. You son of a bitch. Looking back on things, has anything good ever come from someone who spelled Jeff in the effeminate way. Don’t you dare say Geoffery the Giraffe, that long-necked douchebag put all the cool toys up too high when I was a baby boy. Damn you, GtG.
Once he lost the website name, he got distracted and started focusing on different things. After he ran out of shiny things to chase around, he decided to become the Mayor of Toronto, because that is something that Cubans who moved to the United States can do.

Jose saw that the NHL strike was a problem, and boom, shit gets fixed. You gotta give him props on that. No word on that Jarvis Bike Path yet.

Jose Canseco is Toronto. Toronto is Jose Canseco. Neither will fall down.

Damnit. I wish Jose was my mayor, although I would go with a Five Guys, Jose is clearly the guy who could get it done. This man knows what the people want.

Did Jose just find out that he’s Canadian and not Cuban? That is really the only way he found good news on this front, and that would be pretty awesome. Also, Jose is the one person who could confuse the two for his entire life.

I'm guessing that a lot of people sent pictures to Jose. I am guessing that a great majority of these pictures were not of Yes We Canseco signs. I am guessing a lot of these signs were just dudes taking pictures of their junk and sending it to Canseco. I hope this is not the lasting legacy of Yes We Canseco.

There is no way that Jose could have afforded a flight to NY. Bettman saved the NHL and Jose's bank account.

This one really bums me out. It bums me out, because I know Jose is not writing these. There is no way he would have spelled Larry Tanenbaum's name right. There is no way he would have gotten his name right. He would have made a plea to the mascot to let him play hockey for the team.

Aw, shit, I could never stay mad at you. Hugs 4 U, Jose. Hugs 4 U.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Traumatized by Buying Pants

So I had to get some new dress pants this weekend, because, like Ric Flair, I just gotta style and profile. I thought this was going to be an easy experience, as it usually is not too painful. My biggest issue is that I have a small waist but some big ol’ gangsta thighs, so pants often hug my legs like spandex. 

Well, this was my biggest issue until my most recent excursion. I decided to get a couple pairs of 30W 30L and went to the dressing room to see how tight they would be on my legs. I put on the pants, and the legs felt a little snug but not too bad. I went to hook my pants up and realized that I was unable to. That's odd; I have been a 30W for as long as I can remember, and these pants were not even coming close.

I had just ate half a pizza about an hour before, so I was not feeling in tip-top shape, and these pants not fitting did not help. I didn't know what to do. I have been working out at least six days a week. Up until a few weeks ago, I was going on anywhere from 12-18 mile runs. I'll admit I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm still in pretty good shape. Why was this happening?

I tried on another pair, and I was able to squeeze into them, although it was not a comfortable fit. I finally bit the bullet and got a pair of 32s. They were a tad loose; I feel like 31 is my wheelhouse, but those are pretty tough to find when you are always trying to go cheap.

At this point, things really sunk in. I was in a haze. I could barely function at this point. I had the goal of getting new dress shoes as well, but I was in no shape to do any more shopping. I could barely speak as I made my purchase of my new pants. I bring this up only to mention what a giant bitch I was being. 32W is still very skinny and nothing to worry about, but I let this affect me for the next few hours.

I wish this had a happy ending where I became a grownup and did not worry about my waist size not being quite as small as it used to, but it doesn't. I'm still obsessing over it, which means I'm switching up my workout plan. I woke up Sunday morning and went for a run in eight degree weather. It sucked really bad, but it was a necessary step.

One day, maybe I will become a well-adjusted adult who can handle small things like that without it greatly changing my daily routine, but that day ain't today. Now I'm gonna go do some Yoga and get my zen on.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Watched The Vow So You Don't Have To

The Vow was on my television, and I did not have the remote nearby, so it stayed on. I continued to read and play video games, but I did get enough out of it to give a quick recap to anyone who hasn't seen it. It was a pretty crazy movie, so take this in slowly.

So Regina George (who we last saw in Mean Girls) is all getting in C-Tates (who we last saw in Step Up 2: The Streets) business, and they love each other. Then they park their car and start making out. Big mistake.  They get rear ended, and the truck decides it's not going to stop until it plows them into a telephone pole. Regina George goes through the windshield, which is a major bummer, because she was already hit by a bus in Mean Girls. This girl should avoid traffic at all costs. I cannot stress enough that you should never park the car and start making out. Road head is a much safer option.

Anyway, she wakes up in the hospital, but she not only forgets what a great dancer C-Tates is, she forgets him altogether. In fact, C-Tates forgets what a great dancer he is, but he remembers something about music, and he has a studio. Unfortunately, he uses it for making music instead of grooving to music. I assumed the love story would revolve around C-Tates love to pop and/or lock it, but they never touch on that. This was obviously disappointing to someone who loves to dance.

Then her parents come back, but they are evil. We know this because C-Tates frowns at them, but they are being super nice and want to help their daughter. Note: Her Mom no longer has boom implants and does not look like Leslie Knope anymore. She may be an impostor, but the documentary doesn't go over that part.

Some dude with bad teeth used to be engaged to Regina. C-Tates says he knows all about him, which is a way at hinting that he has a tiny penis/prematurely ejaculates with the softest touch from a woman. This was never said, but I sat laughing during this scene, because me and C-Tates never forget when ladies tell us how manly we are compared to past lovers.

Turns out her best friend (Gretchen Weiners) had sex with her Dad. She gets super pissed at her Mom for lying to her. Then her Dad feels bad that she is not turning out the way he had envisioned, as a world class Lacrosse player/lawyer, but she is going to be an artist instead. Regina consoles him, which is weird, because she was mad at her Mom just a few seconds earlier, but she still likes her Dad. I think she realizes that her best friend is pretty hot, and Mom was not giving into her Daddy's sexual desires, so pops really had no choice.

This makes her remember that it is time to give up her lady parts to her man-piece, and hopefully that will bring back C-Tates's desire to dance, because Magic Mike will be impossible if he stays in the music industry.

So that is everything that happened in The Vow. You're welcome.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The X12 Superhuman

Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:

I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,... 
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal.

I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground. 
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit.

I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.

Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:

Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."

The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.

I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:

I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:

See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera. 

That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:

I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.

Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.

Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:
That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:

A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.

CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.

If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?

I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.

Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:

By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.

With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.

Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them... 
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.

it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.

Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.