Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Hipster Habits

As I have made abundantly clear, I hate hipsters.  I hate the way they look, I hate the way they act, I hate the way they smell, and if I ever got drunk and made out with one of those hipster chicks, I'd probably hate the way they taste.

Here's a question:  Can you name three great things that hipsters have done?  Don't feel bad if you can't; it's a trick question, because hipsters have never produced anything worthwhile.

As despicable and disgusting those worthless pieces of shit are, I have to admit that I am not completely immune to the behaviors of hipsters.  Although I could bury my head in the sand and pretend these behaviors do not exist, I feel it is best to confront these issues head-on.  In the end, I hope that everyone will see that although my actions appear to be hipster behavior, they are driven by something much more pure, and the world will see that I have nothing in common with hipsters, as I am 100% awesome.

1.  Classic Basketball Jersey - For those unfamiliar, there is a growing fad among hipsters where they wear old school basketball jerseys.  These hipsters are referred to as hoopsters.  They look like this:
What a bunch of tools.  Yet, as I look in my closet, I cannot help but stop when I see that I have a Kevin Durant SuperSonics jersey.  Although the jersey is not that old, it is a jersey that will never be worn again by Durant.  So doesn't this make me a tool?  No, it does not, as Kevin and I worked together back in the day.  Due to the fact that we have a connection, this is completely acceptable behavior.  Under this rule, I could also wear a Sue Bird jersey with no repercussions (outside of being the only straight male with a WNBA jersey).

Joe's Awesomeness - 1
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

2.  Obscure Music - I listen to a lot of obscure music.  This is a classic hipster, elitist move.  They push their obscure bands on the public and make fun of you for liking music that is played on the radio.  This is the great difference between hipsters and myself.  I have no problem with popular music, as I have even posted my love of some of the new country musicians out there.  Sure, I feel like Reckless Kelly, Eli Young Band, and Randy Rogers Band deserve more mainstream success, but I honestly don't give two shits what music anybody listens to.  My well-developed thoughts on music don't make me a hipster, they make me awesome.

Joe's Awesomeness - 2
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

3.   Watching Bad Movies For Entertainment - This is something that I have primarily grown out of, as I now point out awful movies.  It was something that was much more prevalent during my college years, because it was either watch a bad movie or study, and no matter how bad a movie is, it's still better than studying.  And I was also exposed to surprisingly watchable movies like Adam & Evil (full of hot chicks and the immortal line of "Fo Sweeeet"), Scarecrow Gone Wild (Ken Shamrock's acting makes this movie worth watching), and The Real Cancun (if this was re-released today, it would open at #1 at the box office).  These movies were probably murdered by critics, but no one can deny that they are entertaining, and that makes them awesome.

Joe's Awesomeness - 3
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

4.  Natural Light - Hipsters love to drink cheap beer, because, like most things, they find it ironic.  "Ooh, this beer is so terrible, how hilarious is it that we are drinking it."  I drink Natural LightI love Natural Light.  I don't drink it to be ironic.  I drink it because it's silky smooth, and I'm pretty sure it's scientifically impossible to dangerously drunk off of it.  It always leads to happiness.  Happiness isn't ironic.  It's just plain awesome. 

Joe's Awesomeness - 4
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

5.  Thrift Shop Buys - Hipsters love thrift stores.  They can get ironic shirts, and irony is the only way to prove your social value in a group of hipsters.  I do not need irony with my thrift store buys, as I get awesome stuff like pro wrestling shirts and Chadron State (college of Danny Woodhead) hoodies.  But my crowning jewel of thrift shore shopping is my old school Hawkeye polo.  This polo is probably 25 years old, and it gets more and more awesome with each passing year.  But wearing something this old must be hipster behavior, right?  Wrong. I have gotten with chicks based solely on wearing this shirt.  Am I ashamed of that?  God no.  Since I can't always go to the dance floor, and I'll never try to impress ladies with money, this shirt is what I use when I want the ladies to come to me.  That definitely makes this a final point for awesome. 

Joe's Awesomeness -5
Joe's Hipsterness - 0

So there you have it, a clean sweep.  Although at first glance, it may look like I act like a hipster in some ways, after a closer examination, it's clear to see that I'm Hott Joe, and I am awesome.


P.S.  I know everyone is excited about the big game this weekend, and I feel like this is a pretty good preview.  My favorites are Jessie, Oliver, and Big Red, but when it comes to the Puppy Bowl, everyone's a winner.

P.P.S.  For all of you Jose Canseco haters, be warned.  Jose's comeback is nearly complete.  No, he hasn't been signed, but if any pitcher dares to slow toss him a ball while he uses a juiced up aluminum bat, he will CRUSH that ball 574 feet.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Dumbest Customers I Helped In 14 Hours - Part One

After reading the title of this article, you must be shocked to learn that I not only ran into dumbasses, but I can actually make a whole series of posts about how stupid people are with just 14 hours of exposure to them. Hey, it shocked me too, but these people need to be reprimanded for their behavior.  It's probably best that I quit, because I probably would have had to start another blog just for my "Dumbass of the Day" award. 

Today, I'll start with the most harmless dumbass, and we'll work up to people who are both dangers to themselves and society as a whole.

A gentleman walked into the store the other day and was looking at weight loss products.  There is nothing terribly wrong with that.  I believe the best weight loss product is a good pair of running shoes, but it takes hard work for those to be effective so I understand why people will look for an easy fix (even though it will not be a long-term solution).  He pointed to a product called Xenadrine and was confident that it worked because Ronnie from the Jersey Shore uses it.  For anyone who thinks advertisements don't really work, his man is a shining example that yes, in fact, they work quite well.

Now I was familiar with the commercial, because I had seen it about 30 times in the last couple weeks.  But I had no clue what product he was promoting, because I could never stop laughing after the first five seconds.

Yes, it's easy to laugh at how awful of an actor he is.  I really imagine that him filming the commercial was a lot like when Rocky Balboa was trying to do commercials but couldn't read.  Let's be honest, there's a 75% chance that Dean (the Ronnie lookalike) was called on to do a stand-in on this commercial.

As hilarious as that is, my favorite is when Ronnie says, "I'm Ronnie from Jersey Shore, and keeping it real is what it's all about."  The beauty of this line is that while he is saying it, they show him posing for a camera at a fake red carpet event.  Are they being ironic?  I doubt it, because most meatheads aren't intelligent enough to for irony.

Yet this commercial appeared to wow this prospective customer.  Some might give him some slack since he is young and impressionable.  I mean, the kid watches the Jersey Shore, so he just hasn't fully developed his bullshit detector yet.  These would all be good arguments if this customer wasn't in his 40s, and waxing poetically about the benefits of a product that Ron-Ron endorses. 

As bad as this guy is, the people I will tell you about in the next week or so will actually be worse.


P.S.  Most hilarious conversation I've had today.  Somebody called me that worked for a job recruiting company, and he talked to me about what I wanted in a job.  After talking for a while, he told me, "This job looks like it would be good for you, ooh, wait, maybe not.  It does pay a little higher than you were looking for, but you'd be working less hours."  Needless to say, I will be meeting with this guy later today.

P.P.S.  This is a couple months old, but I forgot to put it up for people to enjoy.  Here is Henry Rollins owning a group of absolute pieces of shit, aka hipsters.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm Unemployed Again

Well, that lasted long.  After my important announcement yesterday (I highly recommend reading that first if you haven't already), my employer and I separated on good terms today.  At this time, I will reveal that I was employed at GNC.  They were going to train me to be a manager, but I realized that this job was just not for me.  I wish I had something bad to say about them, but everyone I worked with were good guys.  My boss even told me that if I wanted to pick up hours as a part-timer, he'd gladly bring me on board for that.

This seems to be a pretty easy job where I could at least have some consistent income, so what went wrong?  Well, there are certain things about the job that added up to make me truly dread a future with the company.  None of these on their own are deal breakers, but if I could be picky (which I really can't), I'd avoid all of these.

1.  Hours - Being a manager, your days off are almost always Wednesday and Sunday.  You can get time off if necessary, but not having a weekend off without a special request is a real drag.  If I want to hold onto my youth and head to Iowa City for a weekend, I have to plan that weeks in advance.  I'd rather just get out at 5 or 6 and hit the road so I can get my dance on.

2.  Activity - I'm a pretty smart guy, but I hate thinking.  Thinking has rarely treated me well, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.  If I can just stay busy, and keep plowing through activities, that's when I am truly at my best and why I can excel when people let me be a Wild Card and just do whatever needs to get done.  At GNC, I could already tell that I was going to have a lot of down time.  Sure, I could use that time to stare at girls walking through the mall, but I get bored at strip clubs, so looking at fully clothed women wasn't exactly going to exhilarate me.  So if I just stand around, I'll start thinking, and it's best if I don't start thinking.

3.  Internet - I understand that just about every job is going to have some down time, and my best case scenario is that I shut off my brain and turn into a zombie if I don't have anything to do.  I would prefer to have Internet access.  I don't need it to look up stupid YouTube videos (otherwise I'd have nothing to do in my free time), but I do like to read.  It keeps my brain working, which makes me more effective when things need to get done.

4.  Shirt and Tie - If I can avoid wearing a shirt and tie every day, I would definitely prefer that.  I do my best work in gym shorts, with my shirt popped off, but this is something I am willing to compromise on.  I understand if a company allowed this, it would be extremely difficult for the females to focus long enough to get anything done.

5.  Name Tag - I hate name tags.  I hate them so much.  Just writing about them gets my blood boiling.  I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but I find it demeaning and beneath me.  At every job that required me to wear a name tag, I have conveniently forgot it 90% of the time.

6.  Pay - This was sadly just the icing on the cake.  I'm not a money driven person.  I don't have nice stuff, I don't need nice stuff.  The only reason I want money is to feel like I am being fairly compensated for the work that I am putting into my job.  If I don't feel I'm being fairly compensated, I will have trouble working to my full potential.  This is why I rarely show any malice towards an athlete holding out for more money.  If a guy deserves more money, and he has leverage, I can't complain about him using that leverage to improve his life. 

As I said before, none of those are deal breakers on their own, but when they all added up, I knew that I would not be worthwhile to the company.  I could have stuck around a while and milked some cash out of them, but my integrity would not allow it.  So it's back to the drawing board; I am still very much available for the position of International Playboy if any ladies are interested.


P.S.  Although I haven't played for a while, I'm still pretty sure I could pull off any of these shots in tennis:

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

An Important Announcement

I have some bad news.  The blog will be slowing down its frenetic pace.  The stresses of this writing has finally piled up on me where I feel it is time for a break.  I mean, I think I at least deserve a vacation after going through the grind of writing impeccably brilliant commentaries on life, love, and Jose Canseco.  I'd be lying if I said this slow down was totally voluntary though.  No, unfortunately, I have a j...I have a j-aaaaaah...I have a job.  

I know this is very depressing for those who were living vicariously through me.  That's what makes this so tough to announce to everyone, because if you're living vicariously through me, your life must have taken many wrong turns.  But it was time for me to work.  Although I will not be disclosing my employer at this time, I will admit that I settled in my employment search as I was unable to find the right opportunity to jump into the world of International Playboys. 

Does this make me a sellout?  Probably.  But it also prevents me from maintaining my status as a succubus upon society.  I think that at least equals out against each other.

But I wanted to warn the world that they will have a little extra time to read without my blogs filling up your life.  Maybe you can catch up with things on ESPN, see what TMZ is up to, or use Facebook more (let's face it, Zuckerberg could use the money).  

But just so anyone reading this knows, if you are interested in paying me to spin some tales for the world's amusement, that would be greatly appreciated.


P.S.  This whole work business has really distracted me from finding obscure links to interesting things, so here's Alan Thicke giving children advice:

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Why The Bears Lost

With the Bears getting eliminated from the playoffs this past weekend.  Bear Nation (are they a nation or a county, possibly a municipality, actually, yes, I like municipality) Bear Municipality was up in arms over many things from this past weekend's game against the Packers.  Blown plays, soft players, and terrible coaching were all supposed culprits contributing to a Bears defeat on Sunday. 

But is this really the case?  I'm not so sure.  Let's tackle the big talking points.

1.  Offensive Play Calling - Everyone will point to third and three with the game on the line.  Mike Martz called an end around, and everybody freaked out about it being the worst call ever.  It was a horrible failure, but was it a horrible call?  I'll admit I don't love it on third and three, but if it worked, everybody would be calling him a genius.  The problem that I have with it is that they tipped off the play.  They spread out Dez Clark for the first time all game (and maybe all season since he's been inactive for the last 10 games before this one).  Anytime you throw out a brand new formation, it is going to tip them off that you might be running a trick play.  The formation, not the call is what Bears fans should be upset with.  Also, everybody thought Martz would go pass wacky all game, and he did a good job of balancing out the offense.  Don't worry Mikey, I got your back.

2.  Defensive Play Calling - Tim Jennings getting murdered, but you have no clue what defense they were calling.  A lot of the plays, he dropped far off the line of scrimmage immediately giving Greg Jennings a huge cushion.  Does this mean he was playing soft man-to-man coverage?  Possibly, or he was maintaining depth on a Cover-3, and his main responsibility is to stay deep and hope the linebacker can zone out in time to stop inside cutting routes.  TV camera angles are absolutely awful for deciphering defenses, so anybody complaining about this is a moron.

3.  Missed Tackles - The Bears defense missed a ton of tackles.  This obviously wasn't a good thing, but shit happens, and the defense played big in the second half, so you'd have to be a real prick to blame the loss on them.

4.  Passive coaching - This one killed me.  Lovie chose to punt so many times inside the Packers 40, it made me want to throw something through the television.  Don't punt in your opponents' territory.  If you play passively, you deserve to lose.  But hey, anytime you can gain ten yards of field position on a punt, you gotta do it.

5.  Special Teams - Of course with Maynard punting the ball 24 yards with plenty of room to work, maybe those ten net yards weren't so bad.  Can we please stop calling him a great punter?  Yes, he is very good at angling punts, but his leg is so weak that I would seriously consider letting him go first in a game of ro-sham-bo.  Brad, thanks for a lot of great kicks, but it's your time to go.  Bears, please draft Ryan Donahue in the seventh round.  You will not regret it.
Also, Devin Hester didn't make a big play.  He's exciting, but he's not automatic.  The Packers did a good job on coverage, so nothing to complain about there.

6.  Jay Cutler - Oh, Jay.  Jay, Jay, Jay..Jay Jay.  The word is crashing down upon you.  And it's not even because of the terrible throw you had that got intercepted.  It's because you're "soft."  The defense for Cutler is not that it was a Grade II Tear.  No, the defense is that pain is personal.  His Grade II Sprain could feel much differently than somebody else's, because everybody feels pain differently.  Some people get cold easily, some get hot easily, things feel different to different people.  You may have noticed that I used the term tear and the term sprain.  I did this, because they mean the exact same thing.  If you like Cutler, you'll say he had a tear, if you don't, you'll say he had a sprain.  Either way, that's an injury that most people are pushing themselves through.  But this is another case of people not focusing on the right thing.  If you want to complain about Cutler, complain because he was awful at throwing the football on Sunday.  I can't think of one pass he threw that I would classify as good.  I would call his corner route to Knox average, because Knox basically had to stop to catch the ball, but luckily he was wide open.  Sure the injury will get people riled up, but let's not lose sight of the fact that Jay Cutler is still an awful excuse for a quarterback.

7.  Lack of Talent - This is why the Bears lost.  They aren't good.  I'll admit, I never assume much from the Bears, and this year they surprised me.  But that doesn't mean they are loaded with a great team.  They just got lucky, really, really lucky.  But no, seriously, their luck made leprechauns jealous.  Look at this:
Week 1 - Lions - Calvin Johnson clearly caught the ball, but it was reversed, because he did not maintain possession through the process of the catch, a rule that only applies in the end zone.
Week 3 - Packers - I believe the Packers had over 700 yards in penalties.  The Bears squeaked by with a victory.
Week 5 - Panthers - Todd Collins starts the game and has the worst game of any quarterback in 2010, luckily Jimmy Clausen has the third worst game, and the Bears cruise to a victory.
Week 9 - Bills - Bears squeak out a victory over a winless Bills team.  It would have helped had the Bills been in Buffalo for their home game, but instead they were in Toronto where the crowd favored the Bears.
Week 11 - Dolphins - Dolphins are forced to start third string quarterback Tyler Thigpen.  This shouldn't have been a huge deal, because the Dolphins have a good running attack, and Thigpen could be dangerous out of the pistol formation.  Fortunately for the Bears, the Dolphins inexplicably went with a passing heavy attack.
Week 13 - Lions - The Bears squeak by the Lions again, despite the Lions starting third string quarterback, Drew Stanton.
Week 15 - Vikings - Yes, the Bears did blow out the Vikings, but they were struggling before ending Brett Favre's career to bring in third stringer, Joe Webb.

Without any luck, the Bears may have been a four win team.  Be happy with the success they achieved, and enjoy it while you can.  Next year won't be so pretty.


P.S.  Here is an awesome story about how the Bears called James Starks, told him they were going to draft him, and then decided to take Dan LeFevour instead. 

P.P.S.  And just in case people forgot how bad Jimmy Clausen is, here is a Heisman video for him:

Friday, January 21, 2011

Why I Hate The Four Remaining NFL Playoff Teams

We've had a fun run this year, NFL, but with just three and a half games left (the Pro Bowl kinda counts), I have to say that no matter what happens in the next couple weeks, I am going to be left disappointed.  I find it impossible to root for any of the remaining teams.  They all have fatal flaws that have me rooting for them to choke on a goat's balls.

1.  Pittsburgh Steelers - I don't have a specific problem with anything about the team, it's really just Pittsburgh in general.  The citizens of this shithole call it Title Town.  I feel that there needs to be a rule that if you do not have all four major sports, you cannot come up with a cute nickname for your city's sports success.  If the River Bandits and Mallards won a title, I wouldn't call the QC Champ Cities, but morons might.  Plus, I've been to Pittsburgh, and it would more accurate if it was named Shittsburgh, because that place sucks. I really hope they lose this week.

2.  New York Jets - Mark Sanchez aggravates me.  It's not because he comes across as a jerk, I actually think he comes across as a pretty likable guy.  But I predicted he would suck in the NFL.  I predicted this, because he blew USC's season when John David Booty went down with an injury, hence killing JDB's draft stock.  Sanchez never impressed me as a QB in college, and he has been one of the worst QBs in the league during the regular season these past two years.  But somehow, when these playoffs come around, he is blessed by a plethora of magic pixie dust, and he can do no wrong.  I'm gonna be pissed if they win this week.

3.  Green Bay Packers - Packers fans are like AIDS, mentally handicapped people, the Holocaust, actually there's nothing as bad as Packers fans; they're the worst.  I wish I could come up with a way to insult them, but there is nothing that I can say that wouldn't offend whatever I was comparing them to.  Wait, I think I've got it, the Packers are like that Duchenne commercial, you go into it thinking you'll feel sorry for them, but they're so poorly put together and crammed down your throat that you just get pissed about their existence.  If Jesus truly died for our sins, the Packers will not win this week.

4.  Chicago Bears - Yes, I'm a Bears fan.  And no, I will not be happy if they win this week.  Let's get this part out of the way, you are not cool for all of a sudden hating Jay Cutler.  That bandwagon filled up a long time ago.  All these posers who complain about how unlikable Jay Cutler are a day late and a dollar short.  I didn't start hating Jay Cutler when he threw 65 interceptions last year; I didn't start hating him when the Bears acquired him; I didn't start hating him during his Bronco years; I didn't start hating him when he was overhyped for the draft; I started hating him when he was at Vanderbilt.  If this assclown wins the Super Bowl, will I have to admit that I was wrong about him?  No, because I will give 100% of the credit to my man, Mike Martz.  Still, people will tell me that I'm just being a jerk who can't admit I was wrong, but I'm right, and I know I'm right, therefore I will never admit I was wrong.  God, I hope this douchebag doesn't win the Super Bowl.

Yeah, despite my favorite team being one of the remaining four, a part of me will still be rooting against all of these teams.  Oh well, at least I have Iowa Basketball.

I'm fucked.


P.S.  Here is another awesome article on Derrick Rose

P.P.S.  I'm easily amused so this horribly outdated image makes me laugh.
P.P.P.S.  This video is so American that it gave Ricky Stanzi 6 boners, and Jim Cornelison is giving a repeat performance this Sunday:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

How To Snag A Date For A Wedding

My friends are now to the points in their lives where they getting engaged and eventually marrying lovely young ladies.  I do not approve of any of these holy unions.  It's nothing against the ladies; I would just prefer that my friends remained completely irresponsible like me for as long as possible.

I have a pathetically low level of maturity.  An excellent example of this is when my buddy told me he was getting married on September 24.  Since I'm not a completely despicable person, the first thing I did was congratulate him.  But immediately after congratulating him, I looked up Iowa's football schedule hoping that they were on a bye week.  Unfortunately, they don't have a bye, but the fortunate thing is that they are playing Louisiana-Monroe, so I won't be missing out an epic tailgating weekend.

Since my dream of my friends and I all becoming International Playboys is quickly vanishing, I feel like it’s time for me to take that next step in my life.  Get married?  Oh God no, I’m not ready for a jet-fueled (not to mention completely ill-advised) leap, just a step in the right direction. 

What I’ve decided is that at the age of 26, I need to stop going stag to weddings. I came to this conclusion after listening to the most recent Daves of Thunder podcast where they were making fun of one of their buddies, because he was going to be the Best Man at a wedding, and didn't have a date.  Although I do not have the extra pressure of being the Best Man, I am a groomsman, so I do feel as though it's time to have a piece of eye candy on my arm at all times.

Since I won't be getting married, I have three options for securing a date for this wedding.  Let's break it down:

1.  Get A Girlfriend - This is the most conventional method of securing a date for a wedding.  Conventional methods always seem a little boring to me, and this is no exception.  It seems like a waste to wine and dine a broad to get a date for a wedding, because if she goes to the wedding, she'll be wined and dined at the reception.  If I could find a lady who would exclusively pay for me in exchange for letting her get frisky with my downstairs, then I think this could be an acceptable path.  But that seems unlikely (I doubt I'll find a lady with enough money to make it worth my while), so this is the plan that I am least likely to try when trying to secure a wedding date.

2.  Random Seduction - This is definitely my favorite plan of the three, but it takes an incredible combination of both game and timing.  The goal here is to meet a lovely young lady out and about and convince her to go to a wedding with me.  For someone as classically good looking like myself, this should not be an issue.  Where it gets tricky is that I need to wait off on this plan until two weeks before the wedding at the earliest.  Any earlier, and she might want to be taken out for an actual date, and pretty soon, I'd be all in on option one.  I certainly don't want that.  Some people may think it is unlikely for a classy young lady (I don't deal with trash) to go with a stranger to a wedding where she will know nobody in attendance.  I couldn't disagree more.  I'm a classy gentleman, and if a lovely young lass invited me to a wedding with the promise of free food and booze, I would go and be the life of the party.  This is the ideal situation, but it's always good to have a backup plan.  That is why we have option number three.

3.  Escort -
This is what escorts look like, right?

Let me be clear here, I want an escort, not a prostitute.  Escorts are classy, prostitutes are trash.  An escort is successful enough to afford classy drugs and fake breasts.  A prostitute can barely afford dentures and doesn't make her customers wear protection.  So, I would definitely go the route of escort, because I am classy.  This seems like a pretty ideal plan until you realize that it costs money to get a classy escort to go to a wedding with you.  Don't worry, I've already solved that problem.  I'm actually going to make my friends' girlfriends and wives pay for the escort.  How can I pull that off?  Easy.  Just tell them that they should test their mates by having this hired gun hit on their men.  Girls are insane so they will actually think this is a good idea.  Here's where my brilliance really pays off.  Best case scenario is that my buddies all cheat with the escort, and my friends and I all become International Playboys.  Worst case scenario is that these girls just paid for me to have sex with a high-class escort.  That's a win-win.

And that's how you snag a date for a wedding.


P.S.  Anal breaths are the key to happiness:

P.P.S.  Jose Canseco has been challenging people to home run hitting contests, here's how his first one went:
Jose Canseco
Just had an amazing home run competition with the great jeff hall I may have hit 1 further than he did but he hit more home runs

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Hate Females Who...

I figured today would be as good as any to check in with Twitter and see what offensive stuff is trending these days.  The most hilarious tag that I could find was #ihatefemaleswho, and I was correct in my assumption that it could provide some entertainment.  I don't know why, but the trending topics seem to always complain about females.  Ladies, please get creative and start dissing on males so I can make you famous on my blog (which I know is every lady's dream).  Until then, we'll stick to finding flaws with women.

@fabulousswagg Christopher Outlaw
#ihatefemaleswho say "no" but really mean yes. Wait, I kind of like that...scratch that!
Something tells me that Christopher Outlaw is a pseudonym, because he is running from the law.  If a man tells you that his name is Christopher Outlaw, run away.  If there is one thing that the Lifetime Network has taught me, it's that women say no, they mean no.  If you always think that no means yes, and you enjoy being told no, there is a 186% chance you are a rapist.  How could it possibly be over 100%?  These are the kind of rapists who go through open fields at night, just hoping that a cow will say "Moo" because that's close enough to a no.  Cow rapists deserve an extra 86%.

@iAmChuckie Chuckie Watkis
#IHateFemalesWho Don't know their worth.. Women are the best thing on this planet...
This is a very short-sighted view by Chuckie Watkis.  You see, Chuckie, if you value women, you should want them to not know their worth.  If you let women know that they are the best thing on this planet, then you have nothing to offer since you clearly have lower value than them.  I personally disagree that women are the best thing on this planet, because if I thought that, I would be denying my own existence. 

#iHateFemalesWho are cute but they breathe stink.
I absolutely love this post, because he is not saying that their breath stinks.  He is saying that they breathe stink.  For some reason, that slight altering in the words is hilarious to me.  I cannot wait to approach girls with my Playboy Passion Shot routine. 
If they somehow manage to turn down the greatest night of their life, you best believe I will be notifying them that they breathe stink.

@lexxaye Mood Swing Central
#ihatefemaleswho don't know how to properly clean their lady parts.
I don’t feel like it’s fair to hate a female who can’t clean her lady parts.  I feel like we should sympathize with these ladies, and offer them instructional videos.  The most complicated part of cleaning my man parts is not throwing my back out lifting up my ballsack.  I’m not sure what steps go into cleaning lady parts, but I’m guessing proper lifting technique isn’t one of them.

#ihatefemaleswho fight over dick
Sharing is caring ladies.

P.S.  Whisky in a can?  Whisky in a can.

P.P.S.  I can't really blame Rob Lowe for being pissed.  I just respect the man for keeping it real.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

15 Steps To Running Like A Pimp

So I try to convince most people that I run in the winter because I need to keep my top notch cardio.  That's only partially true.  Although staying in shape is part of the reason, it's definitely only a secondary reason at best.  My primary rule to running like a pimp is to satisfy my own vanity, because I love me some me.  Although Jay-Z may think that pimpin' ain't easy, a true pimp like myself never sweats it.  Let me take you through all of the steps I go through in order to maximize my swagger while running.

1.  Take a Dump - It doesn't matter if I feel absolutely nothing deep in my bowels, I sit on the can until I can squeeze something out.  This is a necessity, because if I don't do this, I will have to poop within five minutes of my run beginning, and that is the worst.  How does this relate to my vanity?  Not only do I feel sexier after I get that out of my system, but I also get rid of any bloatedness, making me look extra fit.  I know most of the ladies out there are thinking that I always look perfect, but this just helps me reach a higher level of perfection.
2.  Get Naked - A lot of people may strip down to their underwear before they put on their running clothes, but since I rarely wear underwear, I strip completely nude.  This is the first, but certainly not the last, that I check myself out in the mirror.  And trust me ladies, it's miraculous.

3.  Boxer Briefs  (Old School) - I first put on an old (and very tight) pair of white boxer briefs.  I want to use an old pair, because there's no need to dirty up a good pair of underwear for a run.  Sure some of them have holes in them, but the tightness keeps me snug and stops me from bouncing around.  This is very crucial for a run.  It's also a great time to check myself out in the mirror, as the white boxer briefs accentuate my

4.  Spandex Pants - Now it's time for my black Under Armour spandex pants.  I usually give a good flex here, as the pants help accentuate my v-shape upper body.  Plus, the spandex makes my naturally great looking legs really pop in the mirror.  It's a sight to behold.

5.  Starter Dry-Fit - It's just like Under Armour only extremely thin.  It's not the best for keeping a person warm, but it is great for making my muscles pop.  At this point, I embody the athletic ideal.  I have the legs of a black man, and the heart of a scrappy white guy.  This is when the sight of my jacked bod gets me pumped for the upcoming run.

6.  Outer Underwear - I put on an extra pair of outer underwear, because, quite honestly, sometimes my junk gets cold, and this prevents that.  Cold junk is the worst.  I'll admit to having cold junk on a secluded bike trail and finding the only cure sticking my hand down my own pants as I run.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not ashamed.  It's never for pleasure, just for dong survival. A true pimp always takes care of his number one guy.
Now with this outer underwear, I've tried bright pairs so I could look like a superhero, but this plan was a total failure.  It turns out I just look mentally challenged.  This is the one step where I do not look at myself in the mirror.

7.  Shorts - I can basically use any pair that isn't black, because I like to contrast my pants and shirt so I really pop when I'm out on the streets.  It's also a tad depressing, because my vanity really starts going downhill after the Starter dry-fit. 

8.  Under Armour - Some would say I use it because I need the warmth, but moreso, I wear it, because I can't fight the urge to protect this house.  Click clack bitches.

9.  Bright T-shirt - Because I pop, and I don't stop.
10.  Socks - I hate wearing socks, but they are a necessity in this weather, so I figure I might as well go all out.  I wear an obnoxious pair of bright green rugby socks.  And for the record, I did not buy a pair of green rugby socks, I earned them by playing on a rugby team back in the day.  This is my final look in the mirror.

11.  Heavy Stretching - My stretching puts a heavy emphasis on my groin and hips.  My groin can get tight on me, so I do that for my pleasure.  I stretch my hips, because ladies love a man with loose hips.  And trust me, when I'm done, I'm like Shakira; my hips don't lie.
12.  Shoes - This is where I could say something clever like:  I like my shoes how I like my women - tied up with little circulation.  But it seems like a lot of work to tie up women, and it's not like any girl would be crazy enough to pass up an opportunity at this so it's not a necessity.  Anyway, what was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, shoes.  Yeah, I got a pair of running shoes, and they treat me well.  I prefer a double knot to keep it tight.

13.  Headband and Gloves - Yes, I love headbands.  They are awesome.  And I am cool enough to pull the look off.  And the gloves, well, they keep my hands warm.  There's really no other explanation needed on those.

14.  iPod - There's two different directions you can go with your music.  For the most part, I go with pump up music.  Hatebreed is ideal, and even though it's easy listening in comparison, Metallica has treated me well lately.  Sometimes, you can just go into complete zone out and listen to chill music, but that's much tougher to do in the winter time, and for amateurs, I recommend sticking with the hardcore stuff.

15.  Just Run - A lot of people like to set out distances when they run.  A true pimp doesn't need a distance.  A true pimp doesn't need a path.  A true pimp just runs.  If you don't know where you're going, that's a good way to get some place you've never been.  Sure, sometimes this leads to me accidentally going 20 miles, but usually it just means that I go for a relaxing run where I don't need to think about the running, I can just enjoy the moment.  

You see, a true pimp like myself doesn't always need the company of a woman.  I can just love me some me.  After that, the ladies will follow my lead.

Now that's big pimpin.


P.S.  Warning:  Running like a pimp will cause women (and some men) to both hoot and holler at you.  If you're not prepared for this kind of attention, do not follow these instructions.  Many of the ladies will find you irresistible even before you run your pickup gambits on them. 

P.P.S.  To run like a pimp in the summertime, just pop your shirt off and enjoy the attention.

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of pimps, Shonn Greene is another true pimp.  Sure his run to ice the game was great, but he could have easily been called for multiple excessive celebration penalties after the touchdown.  Not only did he take a nap on the ball, but he, and all his teammates flew around like Jets in the endzone.  That's another example of big pimpin.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Jose Canseco's Health Advice

Jose Canseco truly is a renaissance man.  Although at first glance, he seems like a one-trick pony, that couldn't be further from the truth.  Within 30 seconds of any conversation with him, he'll let you know of his prowess on the baseball field.  Within 45 seconds, he'll let you know of his success with the ladies.  But if you manage to stay in a conversation with him for more than a minute, you'll learn more than you could have ever hoped for.  Today, let's go over Jose Canseco's tips on staying healthy.

Jose Canseco
You have to slow down the aging process from the inside out plastic surgery wont do it ladies
Me and Jose totally understand how stupid women can be sometimes.  Sorry ladies, but fresh boobs does not equal a fresh heart.   But fresh boobs will make you more attractive, which means a young stallion like myself will help you from the inside out (this is the part where I hear Andrew Dice Clay yelling "OH!" in my head).

Jose Canseco
I am working on totally legal anti aging products that actually do work will let you no final results soon
Jose has been teasing this for quite a while.  At first, he wouldn't even let us know what the product did, just that he was testing out a product.   At least we now know that is anti-aging products.  But what are the products?  The suspense is killing me. 

Jose Canseco
I have been testing a combination of legal products for several years now and so far the results are shocking,created fast reactive muscles
Ah, so it's a combination of products?  I'm still sticking by my assumption that somehow Cinnaomon Toast Crunch is heavily involved.  But apparently it needs to be supplemented by something else.  What could that be?
Jose Canseco
Did you no that eating alot of bananas makes you very strong
Holy shit.  Bananas, I should have known.  Be warned that I plan on going on cinnamon toast crunch and banana diet.  I want to warn everyone, because if you try to give me a high-five, I will probably dislocate your shoulder.  When I shake hands with people, it will shatter their bones.  Even my blinking will become a seismic event.  Seriously, don't mess with banana strength.

Jose Canseco
What weighs more a tone of feathers or a ton of bricks
Ooh, Ooh, I know this one.  A ton of bricks!  (Looks up answer) Damnit, they weigh the same.  I have been tricked by a superior wordsmith.  But that's the beauty of Jose.  He will not only help train your body, he will help train your mind.  You may have won this round Canseco, but I expect that we will compete in Tic-tac-toe, Connect 4, and other brain challenging games when you select me to write your third book.   I will have my revenge.


P.S.  Jose has been really positive lately, but his brother Ozzie had a DUI this weekend, and it's really harmed his outlook on life:
Jose Canseco
Life is a train ride eventually it will wreck
P.P.S.  Let's end on a happy note and look at the greatness of Iowa State's student newspaper.  Although I certainly don't recommend it, this newspaper takes a pro-rape stance.  Since newspapers are a dying industry, I guess you have to do something to get people to read:

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I Think We Could All Use A Group Hug

Grouphug is one of my favorite websites on the internet.  I learn nothing from it; I think it makes me a worse person, but it sure is entertaining.  For the uninitiated, Grouphug is a place where people can anonymously confess to the bad things they've done.  The anonymity truly is what makes it awesome.  Let's see what the depraved world has been up to lately.

i ventrilo-fart people at work.
I believe this confession epitomizes why this website was such a great thing to the world.  This absolutely blows my mind, but it's something that I would very much like to do.  If I could fart, but make everyone believe it came from someone else, well, I could probably take over the world.  I think if I could ventrilo-fart, I would make my target girls 90% of the time.  There's just much more comedic value in blaming a fart on a girl than there is on a guy.  In fact, I have been rewatching The Pickup Artist, and my new neg may be going up to girls and accusing them of dropping bombs.  I'm pretty sure that'd be money.

I wish you weren’t such a sexy little asian so that we could be friends without me wanting to touch you.
I can almost guarantee they are referring to William Hung.
i smoked weed and i’m not ashamed. i do feel gross about it though.  i dont want to be a POT HEAD.
This is why I feel they need to let people comment on confessions.  That gross feeling you're having is probably shame, so yes, you are ashamed of what you did.  You dirty pot head.

My bedroom has knobs which unscrew. The other night, I put baby oil over it and shoved it up my arse whilst I had a wank. It was good.  I thought I’d grown out of shoving things up my arse but thanks to this website my passion has been renewed. (28 y/o male)
Due to his use of arse, I think it's fair to assume he's British.  Now I've never been to the UK, but could their doorknobs possibly be much different than our doorknobs?  I'm honestly not so interested that he sticks doorknobs up his ass to get off, I'm much more interested in the how he sticks a doorknob up his ass.  I'm looking at my doorknob right now, and it has just as good of a chance to get up my ass as a television would, because neither of them are close enough to fitting up there.  Sticking things up my ass has never raised my level of curiosity, but how people manage to stick much larger things inside small holes absolutely baffles me.  Of course, I sometimes struggle to move couches through doorways, so I guess messing with my butthole is something I just wasn't destined to do.

I had bronchitis a few months ago and I was so sick I tried to fight it off on my own by taking boatloads of medicine. Well I think I drank so much cough syrup it fucked up my anus cause Ive been bleeding from my ass ever since….I should see a doctor.
Solution:  Stick a doorknob up your ass. You're welcome.

And as bad as these are, trust me, I avoided the gross ones.


P.S.  This is a little old, but if you haven't seen Josh Groban sing Kanye West's tweets, you should definitely check it out.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If Headbands Are Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right

With the world firmly in the winter months, everyone has changed their wardrobe to adjust to the cold weather.  It's too cold for t-shirts which sucks, and it's also too cold for jean skirts, which really, really...really sucks.  As someone who adheres to age old adage of "Less is more," I have a tip that will blow your mind.

That tip is the headband.
Don't be sad pretty lady, headbands are a great way to keep your ears warm.

Now, I know what everybody is thinking.  Headbands are only for the ladies, and I'll admit that I used to agree.  But then I couldn't find my stocking cap before a run one day, and all I had was an old headband laying around.  I quickly weighed the pros and cons.  The pros would be that my ears would warm, and it would lock my headphones into my ears.  The con was I would look like a douchebag.  Pros win 2-1.  I've always been a comfort over style guy anyway.

So I put on that headband and went for my run.  Let me tell you, it was glorious.  Sure, everyone driving by probably thought I was a little dainty, but I didn't care, my ears were warmed by the soothing sounds of Metallica and my totally heterosexual headband.

But headbands aren't just for running.  They're great for when you hit up the clubs and want to score some broads for the evening.  Not only will it keep your hair looking fresh when you stomp into the club, but a headband fits conveniently in a back pocket, where a bulky stocking cap has a chance to hinder your West Coast Dance.

And don't worry ladies.  I know you thought headbands would forever remain your thing, but I promise that you'll always have cooking, cleaning, and getting paid less for the same amount of work.  God Bless America.


P.S.  Ted Williams, who I wrote about last week, has already been arrested.  Call this a victory for logic.

P.P.S.  Have you heard about this Derrick Rose fella?  He's quite dandy with a basketball.

Monday, January 10, 2011

If You Love Tacos, You Should Probably Get AT&T

Something about the holidays really makes me want to pick apart commercials.  Combine that with my love of tacos, and breaking down this latest AT&T commercial was a no-brainer for me.  I'm sure just about everyone has seen it.  The basic premise is this black guy gets pissed, because everyone is having a taco party without him.  At the end, he realizes he was invited, but his phone is just slow.  Damn, he must have felt stupid.  For those unfamiliar with it, here is video for your enjoyment:

First off, let's break down the basic demographics of this commercial.  The advertisers really went out of their way to be inclusive in this commercial, and I really think they nailed the demographics.  They put in three men and three women, so excellent equality there.  Further breaking it down, the women are white, Asian, and black, while the men, are two blacks and a white.  That gives us three black people, two white people, and one Asian.  Why is there no one of Hispanic descent?  They are already the center of our story, as they are represented by their most beloved food, tacos.

In the commercial, the angry black guy accuses his buddy of thinking Eric, the awkward white guy, is weird.  Let's face it, the white guy had to be the weird one, otherwise this commercial is racist as shit.  If there was only one black guy, and they called him weird, you would just assume that the white character hosts Klan meetings during his time away from work.  Even if you focused on the white woman as being weird, the underlying message would be that he thinks she's weird because she's ugly, or more likely, a lesbian.  But just because the white woman isn't weird doesn't mean she isn't essential to the commercial.  Imagine if the white woman was replaced by a Hispanic woman.  Then, we have a group of minorities all calling the white guy weird, that's reverse racism and has no place in advertising.

In the previous paragraph, I referred to one of the character as the "angry black guy."  That sounds like a horribly racist stereotype, and it is, but it works in this commercial.  Let's look at a quick snapshot of the commercial.
As you can see, this is where it becomes a necessity to have three black people.  The two normal black people are positioned on the opposite side of him.  Without saying a word, the layout of this commercial is positioning him as different than the other black characters in this commercial.  Another technique they use to show how he is different is that he is always the only face that you can see when he is focused on. 
Meanwhile, when they focus on the group, there is almost always two people's faces in the frame. 
This establishes them as part of the normal group, and him as an outlier.  Because of this, he doesn't represent the black community, the two other black people do.  Instead, he represents the outlier; that is why his behavior is erratic.  It's also why he doesn't have AT&T.  Within the parameters of this commercial, I think AT&T does a very good job of subliminally telling you things that you probably did not understand at first glance.  It's telling you to sign up for AT&T, be part of the cool crowd, and have all the free tacos your stomach can handle.  I'm so glad I have AT&T.


P.S.  I totally understand why the angry black guy was pissed.  I'd be pissed too if people were having a taco party and were too lazy to stop by my office (if I had an office) and tell me.  Don't text me important information, just stop by and tell me like a human being.

P.P.S.  There's a lot of creepy things on the internet, Muppets with People's Eyes ranks right up there with any of them.

Friday, January 7, 2011

My Best (And Worst) Sports Predictions

I've really got nothing important to write about today, so I decided to take a trip down memory lane and figure out my hits and misses for sports predictions over the last year.

The Good:
When having my fantasy baseball draft, I predicted the following people were terrible picks:  Jacoby Ellsbury, Aramis Ramirez, Brian Roberts, Ben Zobrist, Michael Young, Derrek Lee, and Nolan Reimold.

When Baseball America ranked Alcides Escobar the #12 prospect in baseball, I called him the most overrated prospect on their list.  I don't care if some say that you shouldn't judge a prospect by his first year in the pros.  I'm like the immature cheese in that commercial (Cheese-It, I believe), la la la can't hear you.  LA LA LA, CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I liked Mike Trout more than Baseball America.  This is one I feel very good about since he's probably one of the top 3 prospects in all of baseball now.  Suck on that, BA.

I knew that Andrew Luck was really good, and Jake Locker was really bad.  Does that count?  It doesn't?  Fair enough, but I'm still keeping it up there.  By the way, although I never blogged it, I told everyone I talked to that Andrew Luck would come back for another year of school.

I predicted that if Jay Cutler could succeed under any coach, that coach would be Mike Martz.

I told anyone who would listen that Chester Taylor sucks.  Recently, Football Outsiders released their list of worst running backs according to advanced metrics, and Chester Taylor was the second worst running back in the NFL, right behind Lawrence Maroney.  Nice job, Chester.

The Bad:
When having my fantasy baseball draft, I predicted the following people were great picks:   Justin Upton, Grady Sizemore, BJ Upton (I LOVE me some Uptons), and Gordon Beckham.
I also said that drafting Ubaldo Jimenez in the 7th round was inexcusable (to be fair, I said it was inexcusable because Tommy Hanson and Clayton Kershaw were still on the board, so I'm still a jackass, just not a total jackass).  

When Starlin Castro was rated the #16 prospect in all of baseball, I called him the second most overrated prospect in baseball.  Now the real question is whether I will root for his success since he plays for the Cubs, or root for his downfall so I can look smart.  Cubs will suck either way, so probably the latter.

Proving that I have no business judging Cubs prospects, I thought Vitters should be ranked in the Top 40 when he was ranked at 70.  He proceeded to shit himself for an entire season.  How can he be bad?  His swing is so pretty, but he does like to show it off by swinging at every pitch imaginable.

I wrote an entire post on whether Jordan's Bulls could beat LeBron's Bulls, since, you know, LeBron was definitely going to Chicago.  Whoops.  The good news is that I picked Jordan's Bulls to win.

I advocated for the Bears signing John David Booty multiple times.  The worst part about predicting his greatness is that I still stand by it.   With his lineage, there is nothing that should hold him back:

I predicted a team to win the national championship.  That team lost five games.  We do not need to go into what team I am referring to.


P.S.  This is the most dedicated tribute band in the world:  Of course it's a Def Leppard tribute band:

Thursday, January 6, 2011

How the Man With the Golden Voice Made Me Hate the World

I’m sure you have all seen the homeless man with the golden voice.  It’s a cute story, and after seeing Ted Williams, he seems like a guy who is overwhelmed by this whole situation, as he should be.  Ted, although you do not deserve what has been given to you, my beef is not with you.  You took advantage of an opportunity, nothing wrong with that. 
From his Wikipedia page, I learned that he has nine children, lost his job doing voiceovers due to a drug and alcohol addiction from 1996-2008, and has a laundry list of criminal charges.  Basically, this guy was on his way, had a family to support, and he fucked it all up.  Then he tried stealing from others instead of getting a job.  Does this sound like somebody that should be commended? 

But that’s what is happening.  This man is being celebrated all across the country.  He was offered a job AND A HOUSE from the Cavaliers, and he’s still mulling over the offer.  As mad as this made me, I was about to get a whole lot angrier.

I decided to go to the website  That was a bad idea.  Let’s look at the assclowns who posted on this website:

Doug Geiger says:
Ted, I have watched your video several times and each time I am moved, not by your hardships but by your strength. Quicken Loans is a phenomenal family and I would to hear that you joined it!
His strength?  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  Sure, he overcame addiction, but he’s the reason he got addicted in the first place.  Hey, I’m happy he’s healthy again, but think about this.  You wouldn’t call me brave if I set my house on fire and managed to escape the house before it burned to the ground, you’d call me a fucking moron.  And after getting through the addiction, he battled back to…be a bummy on the side of the road.  Sorry if I don’t feel like congratulating Ted for his amazing accomplishment. 

Carl Larson says:
What an amazing story. We need you Ted!
If you think being a bummy is an amazing story, you should walk through downtown Seattle, you will shit your pants in glee as you see hundreds of amazing stories, laying on the side of the road, drunk, covered in pee, and requesting your money.  Sorry if I’m not impressed. 

Heather Reed says:
WOW!! You are so amazing. As i was getting ready for work this moring I was watching the Today Show and saw you. As i sat there with my 9 year old son and he asked who is that and i said that is One Amazing person who will go far in life with the help of God! You are truly an insperation to the world and We here at Quicken Loans and Cavs need someone like you!!! We need and most of all Want to have you in Our Family!! We Want You TED!!!!
A good rule of thumb when judging if a person is smart is the inverse relationship between intelligence and how many exclamation points they use.  I'm guessing at Heather's intelligence level, she is unable to have sharp things in the house.  I don’t like to get too harsh with strangers, but this woman is truly an awful parent.  Look at what she is teaching her son.  At nine years old, that boy realized that his dream should be to be a panhandler on the mean streets of Cleveland. After a little while, most people would know that this was not  good idea, but this little boy will keep panhandling away, because he knows he'll go far in life because of God.  This little boy will know that God cannot be bothered with small issues like Duchenne (who my friend Clay Matthews has been telling me about) when he can be making bummies dreams come true.

Listen, the announcing business is one of the toughest to get into.  I know as I have seen people struggle their way through while working in minor league baseball.  People who actually want to catch a break get an internship and work their ass off.  Maybe if everything works out, a minor league team will give them a low-paying full-time job.  Instead, this guy stands on the side of the road and let’s an amazing job (and house) with a professional team drops into his lap.  He should not be commended for this.  We have become a society that no longer appreciates hard work.  Instead, we not only promote the people who take shortcuts in life, we admire them.    

In completely unrelated news, I’ll be out by the Jordan Creek Mall with a sign reading, “Man With The Golden Laptop Will Write For Food.”  I can’t wait for my own TV Series.


P.S.  Bravo, Quicken Loans.  Every post on is just building up Quicken Loans as the best place to work ever.  They clearly sent out a company wide e-mail telling their employees to do post something, because I went through about 100 posts that were put up between 8:15-8:33.  This was actually a really good marketing strategy, as they knew the website would get hits, and people would read these comments.  I applaud them for exploiting the hiring of someone with fifteen minutes of fame into a great infomercial on why the best and the brightest should work in the Quicken Loans family.

P.P.S.   Here are two more posts that I put funny comments behind, but they really had nothing to do with Ted Williams.

brian baumann says:
this is the best company and family of company’s to work with. I have been a team member for 15yrs and could not imagine working for anyone else. I look forward to the next 50. Come aboard.
I honestly don’t have anything about Ted Williams here, but this guy just tried selling him on a company that he has worked at for 15 years, and plans on working the next 50.  Just think, after 65 years of working for this company, you’ll be able to afford your own funeral.  Congratulations Quicken Loans.

Angie says:
This is most certainly an amazing story. How often does this happen to someone? Everyday, Not!
I think Angie just saw the Borat movie and learned about “Not” jokes.  Nice job, Angie.  And yes, this post also has nothing to do with Ted Williams, but this is the only one that actually made me smile from their stupidity.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Don't Care To Watch You Watch Sports

I really thought we were past this.  I enjoy watching sports more than most people.  I usually try to stay reserved, but if you put me with the right group of people, and give me the right chemical imbalance then I can really get into games.  Yelling at sporting events is a good way to let off some steam, even though it sometimes feels as if your favorite team may give you a heart attack.  All in all, you could say that I love sports.  I love sports, but I don't love watching people watch sports.

This phenomenon seemed to become popular during the most recent World Cup.  Landon Donovan scored a goal to crush the mighty, global dominator known as Algeria.  With that goal, we crushed those impoverished pieces of shit, and it felt awesome.  Now look, I'll admit I was excited, and I don't fault anybody for yelling and screaming in joy when this happened.  Sports brings out emotions.  I have no problem with the event itself.

The problem I have is that people recorded people celebrating and put it on YouTube for people to...enjoy?  Yes, not just one person, but multiple people thought it would be fun to watch other people watch sporting events.  This is retarded in itself, but then you learn that there are people even more retarded who ACTUALLY enjoy watching other people watch sports.

I remember a buddy telling me how I needed to watch this awesome video of people watching the World Cup.  Luckily, there were a group of people so I was able to leave halfway through, but they sat there in total silence as they were amazed to see people hoot and holler at a television screen.

There's a lot of things out there that I don't like that I can at least understand how it could be entertaining for people.  Curling has no appeal to me, but if I stretch my brain, I can at least see some appeal for the precision and concentration it takes to be good at it.  With watching people watch sports, I have no idea what the appeal of it is.  My best guess is nostalgia, but people aren't watching their friends celebrate, they're watching strangers celebrate.  It's kind of creepy.

I thought that the World Cup would just be a short blip on our radar for this activity, but the NFL has now come out with commercials that feature people celebrating a big play by their team.  I spent a whole 90 seconds looking for one of the commercials and failed, but I'm sure you've seen them or can imagine what they look like. 

The final thing that bothers me about these videos is that somebody wastes their time recording other people celebrating.  They record a crowd celebrating instead of worrying about what is actually happening in the game.  Now they may just be a lonely guy who wants to pretend he has friends with these videos, and as sad as that is, he's still not as pathetic as the people who enjoy them.


P.S.  Since today's post was about sports, here's two excellent profiles of NFL prospects.  The first is of Torrey Smith, a wide receiver out of MarylandAnd the second one is of Jake Locker who I hope can read books better than football field, otherwise, he ain't graduating.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Jose Canseco Might Be The Most Interesting Man In The World

So Jose Canseco has been spinning gold on Twitter, and his amazing tweets have been building up at nearly unprecedented levels over the last two weeks.   It's gotten to the point where it is no longer debatable, move over Dos Equis dude, Jose Canseco is the most interesting man in the world.

JoseCanseco I have been testing a totally legal product I will let you guys know if it works As soon as I have tested it long enough
This is a great example of why Jose's life is more interesting than anyone else's:  Mystery.  And not the Pickup Artist, the literary device.  He is trying a totally legal product, but we have no idea what it is.  It could be a muscle enhancer, it could be big dick pills, hell, it could just be cereal.  There is no way to know, but the great news is that Jose will let us know what it is once it is thoroughly tested.  How long does it take to know if Cinnamon Toast Crunch "works?"  Only Jose knows the answer to that question.

JoseCanseco Don't ever give up on life workout stay in great shape Our genetic structure allows us to live past 120 years
Could this be the secret benefit of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?  If so, Jose will be letting me know in 73 years.  I can't wait.

JoseCanseco Hey santangelo how did you like getting kicked out of the Playboy mansion. I hope your wife knows you're there with 2 girls and drunk
My initial thought when reading this thought was that I really hope that he's referring to F.P. Santangelo, obscure fourth outfielder who hasn't played in ten years.  I knew it had no chance of that being the case, but it would have been awesome if it was.

JoseCanseco Anyone get ahold of fp santangelo he threatened me and my girl in the playboy mansion and security kicked him out let's get a boxing match
Another reason Jose has a more interesting life than you or me:  He is one of only ten people who can actually identify F.P. Santangelo.  That's amazing.   And shouldn't there be video cameras everywhere around the Playboy Mansion?  It would be awesome to see the scuffle between F.P. and Jose.  I guess they don't want to constantly tape medically enhanced women getting their sex on?  Wait a second, yes they do.  Hugh Hefner might be a total scumbag.  This needs to happen.

JoseCanseco I have a lot of respect for fp santangelo he called me and apologize that takes a big man to do that
Third reason Jose is more interesting than anybody you could possibly imagine:  A heart of gold.  Jose is a man, so if you want to threaten him, he can handle himself and take care of you with some old school street justice.  But don't threaten his girl.  That's a weak move Santangelo.  Jose could have kept a grudge, but he not only accepted his apology, but commended him for his apology in a tweet to all of his followers.  F.P. is lucky he threatened such a great guy.

JoseCanseco Look up exotic rare artwork on google then look for check it out
Fourth reason Jose makes the Dos Equis seem as boring as an episode of The Hills:  Jose not only understands exotic art work, but has such a sophisticated eye that he can truly understand it's quality.  Here are some samples from his website:
Exotic?  More Like Erotic.


Hell Yeah.

And all of this is why two weeks I go I was so excited to see the following tweet: 

JoseCanseco I am lookig for a ghost writer for my third book anyone interested.title will be (the truth hurts it destroyed my life) email jc7264@yahoo.c
That's right folks.  Not only is Jose writing his third book, but he is in desperate need for a ghost writer to help him put his amazing story down on the page.  Finally, I would have a chance at my ultimate dream job.  Personally, I think that Jose and I could not only produce a #1 New York Times Bestseller, but I also think that VH1 could follow us around with cameras and have a #1 Rated Reality Show.  I decided to focus on the task at hand and sent him the following e-mail (bolded for clarity):

Dear Mr. Jose Canseco,

My name is Joe, and I would be very interested in being the ghost writer for your third book.  I have talked about you on my blog ( frequently, and having the opportunity to expose your personal struggles to the entire world would be an honor for me as a writer.  I currently live in Iowa but would be willing to relocate specifically for this project, as I feel this is an opportunity that I would regret forever if I did not pursue it to my full capabilities.  As your ghost writer, I would make sure that the struggles you have encountered since exposing the steroid problem in Major League Baseball would be revealed to the reader.  Obviously, I do not know half of what you have had to go through, but I would love to show the public not only your financial and emotional struggles through everything, but also more greatly expose you as a human being with not only sadness but also as a guy with a sense of humor. 

Here are some of the posts about you I have put up recently:

Again, thank you for considering me for this opportunity, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,


Hott Joe

Obviously, I am not the only one to yearn for a chance to work with such an interesting human being, and although Jose and I have had no direct contact since my e-mail, he did tweet this. 

JoseCanseco Thanks for the hundreds of replys on the ghost writing issues,I am looking over all of them this will be a best seller
I can't wait to get this job, and make enough money to buy some of the exotic art work he is selling.  Although some of you may not see me as a serious candidate, I happened to check my web traffic the day after I sent him my e-mail, and all four of those links were in my Top 10 most read posts that day.  Coincidence?  Highly doubtful.  Jose Canseco reads this blog, and that makes me more interesting than you.


P.S.  Yes, I will be sending this link to Jose Canseco's e-mail address.