Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Should Be An Engagement Planner

Since I am such a great guy, I have already told everyone ways to make sure their wedding is the best wedding in wedding history (Also, I am still available for most dates to be your wedding planner).  Today, I have decided to take a step back and show you how to properly take that first step towards marriage with your engagement.  If you follow these steps, not only will you find yourself with a broad beaming with joy, but you'll be sleeping easy as you laugh at all the suckers who didn't take my advice.

1.  No Flowers - As I mentioned in my wedding post, flowers are a waste of cash.  Their shelf life is so short that there is no reason to lighten your wallet just to set the mood.  If you feel like finishing off the romancing at home, use edible decorations.  Instead of having to vacuum up a thousand rose petals, the only cleanup you'll need is wiping your ass when you shit out some chocolate covered strawberries.

2.  Get A Good Meal - This is more for your satisfaction, but you can pass it off like you give a shit that she eats. Although I would not recommend rushing it, if you propose before the meal is served, you can try to pull off a maneuver that is high-risk, high-reward.  It works best on girls that have low self-esteem, so it should work on most girls.  After she says yes to your proposal, tell her that she's looking a little chunky.  She'll definitely lose her appetite, and you know what that means?  Two steaks for you.
Two...Steaks, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.  The risk is that she breaks up with you on the spot, but that's a risk that is probably worth taking.

3.  Get Her Drunk - Say you've got one of those ladies with high self-esteem (sorry brah), the risk of her turning you down is much greater.  As many of you know, people often refer to me as LL Hott J, because Ladies Love Hott Joe.  When girls are trying to get after me, they're always feeding me booze so they can attempt to take advantage of me. I'll admit, the alcohol increases their chances of getting a kiss goodnight, so I'm sure it can only help in the engagement process.  A hidden benefit of getting her good and drunk is that women want to tell their mother and best friend immediately after getting engaged.  If you get her shit-faced, she'll be slurring her words too bad to want to tell people about her engagement.  That means you can skip the stupid calls and get straight to the celebratory love-making.

4.  The Ring - The best part about my engagement plan is the ring.  Why is this the best part?  Because you're not going to get her a ring, you dumbass. Rings are completely useless unless you happen to have a Captain Planet ring.  Assuming that you don't live in Imaginationland, rings are worthless.  If she needs something shiny, get her a roll of aluminum foil, she'll be entertained for days.  But as much as I'd like to, you can't propose with a roll of aluminum foil.

So how do you propose?  You give her a big screen TV.  Although we'd like to believe differently, not all engagements turn into marriages.  Instead of getting stuck with something worthless when things don't work out, how about you get a giant TV instead?  Although this seems completely selfish at first glance, it is not at all, because much like Ladies Love Hott Joe, ladies also love soap operas and Twilight movies, and there's no better way to enjoy those than on a big screen TV. 

Judging from stupid commercials by Jared, women love to tell their best friend about their engagement in ridiculously stupid ways.  I'm assuming this is because rings are lame, so ladies feel it necessary to be lame by making up crossword puzzles to tell their friends.  With an awesome gift, she could invite her friends over, and then she leads them into the living room where she has her new TV showing a monster truck rally.  Her friends would be SOOOO jealous. 

Plus, you can still go through the classic get on your knee and propose, but you give her a box that has a note in it. A sample note should look something like this, “I just bought you a new big screen plasma, that’s right, I’m going to give you the privilege of spending the rest of your life me. You’re welcome.” Tears will then stream down her face as she realizes what a lucky broad she really is.  There is no doubt she'll be thanking you verbally, and as long as you followed all my steps, she'll be thanking you in other ways as well.


P.S. Since everybody is honoring Leslie Nielsen (for good reason), this line is absolutely brilliant:
P.P.S.  Yes, I love Derrick Rose, and you will too after watching this.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm Sorry For Being Racist...Against White People

Obviously, the title is the beginning of my confession.  I can't say that I'm proud of myself for my actions, but it is what it is and I am going to strive to get better.  I always thought of myself as someone who didn't care about color, that someone's actions were more important than their outward appearance.  When it comes to most things, this is the case, but there are certain situations where I just don't trust white people.

It actually all started when I was a kid.  I don't blame my parents as they have never encouraged me to be anything but open minded.  I never wanted to have the same favorite players as my friends and family, so I had to venture outside of the box.  In basketball, everybody loved Jordan, so my favorite player was Scottie Pippen.  In baseball, I chose Kirby Puckett.  And in football, my favorite player was Warren Moon. 

Although I did it subconsciously, there was one thing these guys all had in common; they were not white guys.  Let's face facts, in basketball, I didn't have much of a choice unless I just wanted to cheer for a shitty basketball player.  In baseball, my brother's favorite player was Ryne Sandberg, so I couldn't choose him.  Sure I could have gone with fellow Cub, Mark Grace, but there was nothing flashy about him.  I needed someone with pizazz, so my favorite was Kirby Puckett.  The most egregious example was definitely in football.  Everybody knows that quarterback is the glamour position of the NFL, and at the time it was completely dominated by a bunch of white guys.  I had to go out of my way to pick the one guy who stood out from all the others as my favorite player.

I'm sure lots of other kids did the same thing as me growing up, so I didn't think it was an issue, just a kid being a kid, you know?  I didn't hate white people, did I?  Unfortunately, this year taught me that old habits die hard.  Really, this apology is meant for one person more than all the others:
Peyton Hillis, I'm sorry.  When you were punishing tacklers on your way to taking over the number one running back spot from Jerome Harrison, I figured you'd find a way to do something only a white guy would do and lose your job to a superior athlete.  I mean, yeah, I'll put white guys on the offensive line, even at tight end, but at running back?  I don't think so.  Sure, you put up a solid ten and eleven point performances to start the year, but those were against Tampa Bay and Kansas City, surely Harrison would take over the starting job after you failed miserably against Baltimore.  Instead, you had seven catches, ran for 144 yards, including a touchdown, and ended up with 24 fantasy points.  By this time, it was far too late to try to acquire you.  I hung onto Jerome Harrison for a few more weeks, but I knew it was in vain.  Yes, Peyton Hillis, you are a white guy, but you are also one hell of a running back.  If you weren't white, we could probably be cruising into the fantasy playoffs together, but alas, we will be competing against each other, and I have no one to blame but myself.  This goes out to the entire race, but especially to you Peyton: 
I hope you can forgive me.


P.S.  I probably shouldn't bring this up, but there is one other thing all my favorite players had in common; they all beat their wives.  Um...yeah, I'm not quite ready to dive into that fact yet, so you'll have to wait for that blog post.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Yes, I Watched 500 Days of Summer

I have a confession to make, I just watched the movie 500 Days of Summer. People react in two different ways to that. Either, “Wow, Joe, you’re a fag,” or “How have you not seen that movie yet?  It's amazing.” I tend to more agree with the former. It wasn’t really a bad movie, it wasn’t really a good movie, but it basically just an interesting movie. I thought they did a good job of showing the relationship in the movie, but they did some lazy things that really irritated me. They pulled off a gender switch to make the characters more interesting. The girl was the masculine character, and the dude was the feminine character. I call it lazy (because it is), but it’s also quite a genius move. This movie probably doesn’t make the theaters if the roles are done in the traditional manner, yet since I have heard of this movie, I’m guessing it made a shitload of money.

It also bothered me that the one time that the guy showed masculinity as he punched a guy in the face, it was a total bitch move, because instead of fighting him like a man, he sucker punched the guy when he wasn’t paying attention. There is no honor in a sucker punch. Also, can movies please mature past every punch flooring somebody? I’m guessing Mr. McFeminine’s flailing right cross would be slightly more irritating than a mosquito bite. It also bothered me that after his one moment of showing some tiny bit of masculinity, he’s basically crying like a hormonal woman by the end of the night.

I thought the female character was infinitely more interesting than the male character, but she did this by showing male traits of assertiveness and basically did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. That’s pretty much how I live my life. If you look at this movie, there is a blatant, real world example that mirrors their relationship. Summer and DudeDouche are basically a fictional Ronnie and Sammie Sweetheart from Jersey Shore. Summer is Ronnie mind-fucking DudeDouche, and they just keep crawling back for more no matter how poorly they are treated.

Also, having a narrator in a movie almost definitely means that the writing sucks. If you can’t show things through the characters, then work through it and find a way; there is always a way. The only time you can have a narrator is if it is played by Columbo and he’s telling a story to Kevin from the Wonder Years; then it is awesome.
Awesome Movie

I know my review has kind of ripped this movie, but it is an interesting movie. The relationship was done well, and that is really what this whole movie was based around. As I said in the beginning, it’s really not a good movie, but it’s definitely not a bad movie; it’s just an interesting movie.


P.S. No homo.

P.P.S. If you want to watch a movie that has the best five-minute beginning of any movie ever made, go see Faster. The first five are amazing, the first half hour is pretty good, and the last hour makes, well, just don’t think during the last hour. Trust me, it’s for the best.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Jose Canseco Needs Money...And More Hugs

No matter what people may say about him, Jose Canseco is not a quitter.  He has taken to Twitter to do anything he can to make some money.  He's tried multiple TV ventures including a reality show about himself, a baseball show, and successfully managed to be on the cast of the upcoming season of The Apprentice.  He's also tried to give baseball lessons, play baseball, or just have people pay to hang out with him.  It seems like everything has been a massive failure for him, so does that mean he's going to give up?  Hell no.  Jose Canseco is no quitter.

JoseCanseco Trying to get financing for my baseball indoor training facility if your interested in a partnership email me at jc7264@yahoo.com
JoseCanseco I can send you a business plan
This offer happened over the weekend, and it really makes me regret drinking and having fun while partying all day.  If I wouldn't have been busy with fun, I could have asked Jose to send me his business plan, which I'm guessing he designed with MS Paint.  Some of you might be thinking that he still has this business plan, so I could still ask him for it.  But let's be real here, Jose has already forgot that he wanted to start a baseball training facility.  He's probably already writing up a business plan for someone to pay for him to hit home runs on the moon, which, I admit, would be awesome.

JoseCanseco 2 Puppies for sale
This wouldn't be that weird if it wasn't accompanied by this picture.
I'm really not sure what the deal is with that third puppy.  Which one did Jose forget about?  Is that third puppy actually still for sale?  Is there a third puppy at all, or are two of those puppies actually siamese puppies and Jose only considers them one puppy?  Is this a side effect of puppy steroids?  I don't know, but these questions will haunt me in my sleep.

JoseCanseco If I can make you feel a little better about life leave me your number and I will call you and give you a hug over the phone
This was yet another missed opportunity caused by a weekend of partying.  I was excited when Jose tweeted out his number when you were forced to pay to talk to him as I seriously considered doing it, but this was an even greater opportunity.  Tweet him your number, and he'll call you.  I have my doubts that Jose would be smart enough to block his regular number, so I could have Jose's number at my fingertips anytime I wanted to talk about badass stuff like baseball, steroids, or puppies.  Not only that, but how in the hell do you give a hug over the phone?  Jose seems confident in his abilities to do so, and I really hope to find out soon.

JoseCanseco if I give you a phone hug you must hug a total stranger and tell them to do the same and so on. Ok
Imagine hugging a total stranger.  This person will probably not be thankful for you randomly wrapping your arms around them.  Now tell them that Jose Canseco says they now have to hug a total stranger.  People following Jose's advice led to at least 15 stabbings.

JoseCanseco You don't need money to be happy ,look at the simple things they will make you smile
Says the guy selling puppies.  I think this is proof that Jose doesn't need money to be happy, Jose just needs money.

JoseCanseco I have tried to help people all my life financially ,but now I can't cause I am broke but a hug is a very powerful thing
And Jose, if you could help out just one person in this world, the person who needs help more than any other person in the world, who would that be?

JoseCanseco Everyone should send a hug to tiger woods the greatest golfer in the world
God damn Jose, you are one diluted human being.  You have somehow secluded yourself from regular human beings that you have no basis for reality.  I love it. 


P.S.  If you came up to me and said that Angelina from Jersey Shore would make a rap song, I would assume it was bad.  I mean, I would assume it was basically the worst piece of shit in the world.  I would have thought that Angelina is to rap music what Ken Shamrock is to acting.  Somehow, it is far worse than I imagined.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Jose Canseco Needs a Hug

Jose Canseco should be a hero to all, yet he seems to only be a hero to me.  The world is constantly taking a shit on him, but he manages to power through all the haters to keep on keepin' on.  It seems like things were tough for Jose this weekend, as he became the biggest supporter of hugs since Barney the Dinosaur.  Let's take a look at Jose's cries for help.

JoseCanseco I am broke but I am happy do you need a hug even I need one sometimes
Jose is broke as he has made this extremely clear on multiple occasions.  Most people would be ashamed that they blew millions of dollars, but Jose brings it up every chance that he gets.  Honestly, good for him.  The one thing his poverty has caused is the need for hugs.  Just like REM said, "Everybody hurts...sometimes."

JoseCanseco If I could hug you to take your pain away I would
This is definitely a cry for help.  He is offering to hug away others' pain, but in all reality, he just needs someone to help him hug away his own demons.  As someone who suffers from some of the same things, I can tell you that it is not easy being awesome like me and Jose.

JoseCanseco Hugs for everyone who needs them from me
This gets slightly more desperate, as he would hug a leper to just feel the touch of a caring human.  Jose offers the hugs to people who need them when there is nobody who needs a hug more than him.  Is it sad?  Yes.  Pathetic?  Definitely.  Do I hold it against him?  Of course I do.  Would I give him a hug?  You bet your ass I would.

JoseCanseco Who needs a hug out there
Jose is desperate for a hug.  Unfortunately, people are hesitant to start hugging the emotional wreck with a history of steroid use and violent mood swings.  Their loss.

JoseCanseco Hug the person next to you and tell me how you feel
I like to imagine that Jose went to the most crowded place he could find when he Tweeted this message.  He then closed his eyes and spread his arms as wide as he could, just hoping for the sweet relief of a human embrace.  Was it a success?

JoseCanseco I feel like someone cares about me
Yes, it was a success.  To that person who finally gave Jose Canseco a hug, thank you.  He needed it, I needed it, the world needed it.

Jose may be known as a Bash Brother, but even he needs a Hug Hero every now and then.


P.S.  Taj Gibson is goofy in everything he does, especially smiling.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Football Thoughts

I was going see what I thought of Ohio State, since I've only seen parts of their games against Wisconsin and Miami, but I was too depressed to watch football after what happened in Evanston.  I was ready for a football free Saturday night as I headed to The Pit to watch some New Mexico basketball, but then found out that New Mexico does something weird for their basketball games:  They sell them out.  Iowa should really try that, but it did lead me to going back home and doing the only thing that could make me feel better about the world of football.

I decided to watch the last three quarters of Stanford and Arizona State.

Something I saw a couple times that amazed me about Andrew Luck was the way that he kept looking for his receivers downfield as the pocket was collapsing in on him, and then just before a defender is about to get a hand on him, he finally fires the ball to his safety valve in the flat.  The guy's got ridiculous awareness.

Luck was not at his best in this game.  He failed to properly read coverage a couple times in fourth quarter. First on a ball down the middle that he threw into heavy coverage where he just did not properly read the safeties. Then, on the next drive, saw that his receiver was going to make it by a guy in a zone, but didn’t see the other guy zoning right beyond him. "Luck"ily, his receiver got bumped, and the interception was called back on a defensive holding call.  Despite these miscues, when the team needed to drive down the field and score, Luck was able to get the job done and lead his team to victory.

Near the end of the game with Stanford holding a lead, Stanford had a freshman running back that broke free and could have easily scored a touchdown with about a minute and a half left. After he had gotten the first down, he sat down at the 4-yard line to ensure that Arizona State would have no chance of getting the ball back and coming back. It made me feel funny in a very good way. I’m pretty sure I’m a straight up Stanford fan.

Since I didn't watch a whole lot of other football (and I'm certainly not going to write about the Iowa-Northwestern game), here are some other random football thoughts:

One thing that I really wish we could get going for sports is a way to find out what people said to get in trouble. If somebody gets an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, it’d be great to find out what they said. It works for technical fouls, baseball ejections, even yellow cards. We have the technology; we need to make this happen.

A route that I really like that I see a lot of from Oregon is that instead of running simple routes out to the flat, they get their guy going towards the sideline and then sprinting up the field. They throw the ball before they get deep enough, so I wouldn’t consider it a wheel, but it is definitely trending in that direction.

It’s time to express my opinion as a football snob. Announcers love to say that teams ran a double reverse. In all reality, a double reverse happens about as often as a double rainbow. What they call a double reverse is actually just a reverse. What they call a reverse is actually just an end around. Remember, the ball needs to “reverse” directions to be a reverse, not just a quarterback handing off to a receiver who lines up at one “end” and comes “around” to the other side; that’s an end around. Football is simple, I swear.


P.S.  I'll be tailgating for the Iowa-Ohio State game tomorrow.  Is 6 AM too early to get up for a 2:30 game?  Just kidding, I know that there is no time that is too early to get up to drink.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Kiss Your Applause Goodbye

When watching the movie, "Knucklehead", starring The Big Show (yes, I only watch the worst movies ever made), I noticed a phenomenon that has been portrayed in movies since the beginning of time (or the beginning of movies, not sure which one came first).  Every time people kiss in front of a crowd, it gets a standing ovation as people hoot and holler in cheer of this amazing accomplishment.

The thing is, it's really not all that impressive.  Not to brag or anything, but I have kissed not one, but multiple girls, on the lips no less.  Yet nobody has ever stood up and cheered for this achievement.  To be fair, people have stood and cheered some of my other exploits, especially on the dance floor, but I am going to do my best to not turn this into a discussion of West Coast Dance.

But kissing ain't no big deal.  As I head to Iowa City this weekend for drinks, debauchery, and da broads, I know that I will see many of these young lasses partaking in this amazing activity with young gentlemen.  No hands will be clapped.

The only time that people actually applaud a kiss is in weddings.  I don't think most people are applauding the kiss, but you know, the actual holy union of marriage.  I do not applaud marriage at all as it means one of my friends just became a lot less fun.  I do still clap though.  I like to clap for whichever partner I feel is of lower social value than the other, because they're marrying up, and that should be everybody's goal in life.

Although, I am complaining about the standing ovation for kissing, I feel like clapping is an underutilized action outside of sporting events.  The world would be a better place if more people got applause for a job well done.  I can't say I'd mind it if I heard some golf claps when I had an especially quick trip to the ATM.  The world would certainly benefit if people clapped anytime somebody perfectly grilled up a burger during tailgating.  Hell, I would even start blogging in public more often if everybody applauded at the library when I finally hit the "Publish Post" button.

So, if you're out this weekend, and you see two young people partaking in the momentous culmination of kissing while drunkenly falling around the bar.  Take a tip from Hollywood, and make their fairy tale a reality with a good old-fashioned slow clap. 


P.S.  I don't know how they messed up a movie that had The Big Show, MMA, fat kids, and Terry Tate, but unfortunately, WWE Films did not deliver with this film.

P.P.S.  I have made my triumphant return to Iowa, and I'll be in Iowa City this weekend.  What I want to know from my readers is their interest in one question, just three letters:  F...A...C?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Females: The Pedophiles of the 21st Century

I've noticed an extremely creepy trend happening among females my age and even older.  Apparently, they have a huge blind spot when it comes to the laws of America, because they believe that raping children is actually now acceptable.  It is not.

These broads have what is referred to as "Bieber Fever."  They talk of how much they love him, how they're going to marry him, have babies with him, and a lot of other really disturbing things that should not be repeated.  Yet somehow, nobody is putting social pressure on these creepy broads in their mid-20s.  That is what I'm here for.

Now I'm not familiar with Bieber's music, but I know he has a song where he keeps screaming baby, so maybe it's a subliminal message to the girls who listen to this music that they want to have sex with babies.  If that is the case, please seek help ladies, because that is NOT okay.

But imagine if we reversed gender roles in this situation.  Imagine me obsessing about a 15 year old girl named Justine Beaver.  Buying posters of this girl, talking about how we're going to get married, and how great looking our children will be.  That's creepy as shit.  Just typing that scenario sent chills down my spine, because Hott Joe as a pedophile is no Hott Joe at all.  The scariest thing would be if I actually went to this little girl's concert.  Imagine me, as a totally badass 26 year old male, hanging around in the middle of a sea of teenage girls as I sing along to every Justine Beaver song.  That's so messed up.

There is no way that my friends would remain my friends.  Some would say that this means they weren't my friends at all, but those people are morons, because if your friend is acting like a creepy pedophile, it is okay to start looking for new friends.  Somehow, women are able to bond over their pedophilia and fantasies of statutory rape.

I used to think pedophiles only looked like this:
But apparently they also look like this:
This has to stop.


P.S. Don't be fooled by the Portuguese, because this video of Steven Seagal training Lyoto Machida is awesome.
Rampage is screwed.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Friday Football Thoughts

Alright, I've got a whole lot of football thoughts, but before I get into that, just one quick basketball comment.  There is no matchup I am more excited about than Bulls vs. Wizards.  John Wall is going to be extremely inconsistent this year, but I don't think there's any way that he puts on a boring game.  Plus, putting him against Derrick Rose who has really taken his game to the next level this year makes it a must-see matchup.  And holy crap, I'm an idiot, since I wrote this entire thing before looking at the schedule.  Turns out, the Bulls play the Wizards tomorrow night, and it's on WGN meaning that just about anybody with cable will be able to watch this game.  So watch this game.

Now onto football, first up, Northwestern notes (these will not be written nearly as well as a NW graduate would write them):

Dan Persa is Northwestern's entire offense.  Persa’s a crafty little dude in the way he can slip out of tackles, but Iowa almost always does a good job of form tackling, so as long as they play smart, this shouldn't be an issue.  Persa also seems to have a lot of confidence in himself, as he is willing to try to fit a ball in a tight space.  This would seem to be bad, because teams have had an easy time fitting the ball in space against Iowa this year since our linebackers have taken a big step back in coverage ability.  But word has it that Tarpinian is 100% this week, and he's going to start in Nielsen's place, so it will be very beneficial to have our best coverage linebacker out there for this game.

The good news is that we don't really have to worry about Northwestern's running backs, because they're terrible.  The bad news is the Hawkeyes have pretty much shut down every team's running backs outside of the Wisconsin game.  Still, I'd like to see a lot of stunts from the defensive line, because I don't think we should be worried about getting burned by their running game.  It's not going to be easy, because Northwestern's pass protection is much better than their run blocking.

On offense, the Hawkeyes should be able to run the ball since Northwestern is weak up front, and as long as they pound the ball between the tackles and don’t try much to the outside, they should be in good shape. NW does a good job of stretching out plays and delaying the upfield cut on outside runs.

Northwestern also has the least exciting defense I have ever seen. No unit is awful, but nothing stands out. They have decent speed among the front seven; that’s it. Their line isn’t that good, their linebackers aren’t that good, and their secondary isn’t that good. They don’t look great against the run; they don’t look great against the pass. They don’t beat themselves, so they really depend on opponent mistakes.  It’s a lot like Iowa in the way that you just need to find holes in their zone to exploit, except Iowa has talent.

Another good thing is that our offensive line should look like All-Americans in pass protection against them.

Finally, Pat Fitzgerald has an American flag on his headset; that’s bullshit.  There's nothing less American than Northwestern.

Now, onto the larger scheme of things as here are the other things I learned from the games I watched last week.

Joining Andrew Luck in the players that Joe has a total mancrush on is Patrick Peterson, cornerback for LSU. He's not quite on the level of love I have for Luck, but he's pretty close.  Here are the things I noticed from his game against Alabama. 
Patrick Peterson is a ridiculous athlete, as he is big, fast, makes quick adjustments, and always does a great job of finding the ball in coverage.
He showed really good tackling ability for a cornerback.  
Deep ball to Maze that was nearly completed (ended up overturned)made Peterson look bad at first. It was a pretty well thrown ball with a good adjustment from Maze. Peterson ran into him, because the receiver adjusted to the inside and Peterson was looking back for the ball.  If the ball had been thrown a little better, it would have been interesting to see if Peterson had the closing ability to break up the pass. 
Peterson did mess up on his coverage against Julio Jones near the end of the game when Jones caught a touchdown on the slant. He let him get inside of him. McElroy threw a good ball, and he wasn’t able to use his quickness to close in time. Too passive when you’re that close to the goal line.  It was a mistake, and Jones really played an excellent game in this one. 
The most impressive thing may have been that Alabama threw to Julio Jones pretty much anytime that he was not covered by Peterson.

I didn't focus on the line play too much, but it is tough not to notice what a presence Drake Nevis is at Defensive Tackle for LSU.   He made Alabama's line look foolish when he immediately busted through the middle and stripped Greg McElroy of the ball.

On offense for Alabama, Mark Ingram didn't have a great game, but there were definitely things that I liked. He has really good acceleration as he gets to his top speed very quickly. He makes some clean cuts to help him avoid defenders, and he always keeps his legs driving which is something I always like to see in a running back.

And since I feel like getting struck down by American Jesus, here is some blasphemy regarding Alabama QB Greg McElroy.
I would rate McElroy slightly higher than Ricky Stanzi now for the NFL Draft.  I liked his pocket awareness more than Stanzi's, who can sometimes freeze up and just get swallowed up by a rush that is closing in.  He also has a stronger arm than the most American QB in the nation. 
McElroy is able to go through reads, but is not super quick about it. It’s not a Locker-like struggle, but you also wouldn’t classify it as smooth.
He's not great at anticipating receivers getting open, can sometimes stare down and just try and wait for a receiver to get separation.  With a good offensive line, he can get away with this, but there just seems to be a half second delay on everything he does. 
Overall, I put these guys pretty close, but the slight edge goes to McElroy as of right now.  I watch Iowa games differently than I watch other teams, because I watch those games as a fan as opposed to an objective observer.  I could definitely flip my feelings on these two by the end of the year, especially if Stanzi gives me a reason to travel to Pasadena.

Finally, in Andrew Luck news.  His deep ball looked much better this week, not perfect, just very good.  Oh, and his shovel passes are even a beautiful thing.  And he threw a pretty solid block on a reverse.  I'm not sure if he'll leave this year, but this guy is definitely the #1 pick in the draft when he comes out.

That's all I got for this week.


P.S.  This is the second most disturbing video I have seen this week. It's sex ed training for the mentally handicapped:

P.P.S. This is the most disturbing video I have seen this week. It's an Olsen Twins video, and the short-haired broad will haunt you in your nightmares:

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Jose Canseco's Phone Number

So last night my brain nearly exploded, as Jose Canseco dropped this tweet on the world:

JoseCanseco If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309. We can talk about anything,find out what's really going on in basball

Just so everyone knew it was real, he had a quick follow up:

JoseCanseco Call me you haters 310 862 6309 if you have the balls

Jose, are you questioning my testicular fortitude? You bet your ass I called that number immediately.

I know what everyone's thinking. If Joe and Jose talked, they are probably now best friends forever. When they hit the clubs, everyone will simply know them as "The New Bash Brothers." I completely agree that this is what should have happened.

Instead I got connected to something called My Fan Line. I have to give them a credit card number, and they charge it for each minute I talk to the celebrity. Now I have only browsed the website for about two minutes, but I cannot find the actual charges for any of this anywhere on the site. Also, I went to their Get Started page, and the only celebrities they had pictures of was Canseco and this guy:
I don't know who this is, so I'm gonna guess it is Shaggy. I don't remember what Shaggy looked like, but he seems like a guy who would smile on the beach as he played what appears to be a ukulele.

Part of the money goes to charity, which in Jose's case will probably be a very small amount. Jose decided to pick the most ridiculous charity possible as he selected B.A.T., and organization that helps out minor league baseball players. Just what we need, give money to potential millionaires. That seems like a worthy cause.

Despite this costing an unidentifiable amount, I'm not totally ruling out calling Canseco. Is this an extremely stupid waste of money for someone who is unemployed? Of course it is, but I have never lived my life by doing the "intelligent" thing. But I have decided that if I'm going to do it, I need to do it right. I need to come up with the most brilliant topics of conversation possible. So far, the best idea I have come up with is asking him to spell words. I'd basically like to give him a spelling test and publish the results. But there's so much potential with him, like:
Did Terry Steinbach juice?
Did it hurt when you assisted a home run with your head?
What's Hong Man Choi like in real life?
Who would win in a fight, you or the Ultimate Warrior?
Can we take steroids together sometime? And really, that would be about the coolest thing ever. Having a beer with the president would be neat, but having Jose Canseco put a needle in your ass, now that would be EPIC.

The list goes on and on, but I need the best and brightest (and by that I mean most hilarious) questions. I also need to do some research to see how much this is going to set me back. If you would like to donate to the cause or have a hilarious question, feel free to leave a comment on here, Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail. I'm accessible, as I have yet to set up my own Fan Line.


P.S. I have to be a little weary of getting involved with My Fan Line after reading this.
OldHossRadbourn Hoss just tried calling J. Canseco and now I am stuck with a subscription to "Cross Stitch & Country Crafts" Magazine. I am not amused.

P.P.S. This totally seems like something I can convince one of my drunk buddies to put their credit card down on for our entertainment. Asay, I'm looking at you buddy.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Bad Advice From Cab Drivers

Cash Cab is awesome, the following advice is not.

When I travel to new cities, I have to do something that I would rather not do, and that is pay for cab rides. It's really depressing to watch that meter go higher and higher as we edge towards our destination. The only thing that helps is being incredibly intoxicated, so I try to do this whenever I am about to ride in a cab. Still, despite excessive alcohol consumption, I have gotten numerous bits of advice from cab drivers that I will break down today.

1. "I'd like to roll her in flour and find the wet spots."
This is from a hillbilly cab driver in Clemson, South Carolina. When he sees a girl that he fancies, this is his plan of action. When I heard this stupid cliche from the imbred hillbilly, it didn't sound like a good idea, but I figured I should investigate just to make sure I wasn't completely fucking up the courting process. Luckily, it found me, as there was some show on HBO on weird porn videos, and some dude did this with a 400 pound woman. Not only did it not look like fun, but it also took a ton of flour. Now, obviously a normal sized woman would take less flour, but to cover an entire body in flour, it's still probably going to take a package of flour (I mean, you don't want to look stingy when covering your lady in white powder). Since I don't bake, I never even have flour on hand. It's never hurt me before, and why cover a girl in white powder when you can cover her in your white goo? OH! (That one's for you Diceman)

2. When girls wear skirts, it is an invitation for you to pull the skirt up and pleasure them.
When looking at the golden rule of treat others how you would like to be treated, this advice makes a lot of sense. I mean, really, who doesn't like pleasure? Also, if there were pants that I could wear that would invite ladies to randomly pleasure me, I would only need one pair of pants. But then I looked a little deeper into this idea, and I found out about this little known thing called rape. Rape is illegal. Pulling up skirts and trying to tongue a woman probably constitutes as rape (at least assault), so I have to put this as a bad idea. It looks like us guys are still going to have to go through that boring process of "conversation" before getting down to the business.

3. Shut up and stare at the pussy.
We lucked into the most adamant cab driver in cab driving history when down in Tampa a couple years ago. This guy had so much energy, I was surprised he was able to stay in the car. Looking back, there was a good chance he was high on coke, but that didn't mean his advice was any less potent. The way I remember it is that I asked him about where I can find a pretty girl with a great personality to take out on fancy dates, propose to, marry, start a family,, and live happily ever after (it was either that or, "Hey, where can I find some hot chicks?" To-may-to, to-mah-to). He told us to go to some beach where these classy ladies like to hang out at. Then he gave us some advice I had never heard before. We were not to talk to the women on the beach, instead we were supposed to "Just shut the fuck up and stare at the pussy." This is the only advice that I immediately knew was wrong, as I have had a buddy who would sit off to the side of the dance floor while we were West Coast Dancing and stare at girls while he drank by himself; it never worked for him. But it is possible that he meant it in its most literal sense. A lot of guys stare at girls' breasts, and that never works out well, but maybe it's because these women think these guys aren't ballsy enough.

Maybe when I see a lady that tickles my fancy, I should go over to her, not say a word (probably the most important part), and crouch down and stare at her vaginal region. Wait, no, nothing about that sounds like a good idea. If I was crouched down, she wouldn't be able to see how good looking I am. Also, my balance goes to shit when I'm drunk, so I made teeter over and have to touch the nasty bar floor.

What's that you say? I could try this maneuver sober? Talking to girls sober: There's one piece of advice I hope I'm never dumb enough to try.


P.S. West Davenport's chosen game of Pickleball is gaining popularity (we stole it from Walcott after the massacre we put on the people of their town). If my partner could keep his composure, we could probably become world champions, unfortunately, JVD will probably still blow it for me.

P.P.S. Biggest traffic day in the history of the blog yesterday as we had 138 visitors, powered by Miller Lite Waitresses, Dice, and especially Things Women Should Stop Doing.

Monday, November 8, 2010

People I Love - Chapter 4: Andrew Dice Clay

Max Muscle indeed.

The Diceman, one of the most insightful comedians to ever walk this Earth, definitely qualifies as one of those people that I cannot get enough of. Dice is a genius. Not in the conventional sense of the word, but anybody who can get that much fame out of dick jokes and degrading women is definitely a hero to me.

Dice is probably best known for his nursery rhyme jokes. Here is a video for those of you who don't like words:

Honestly, it's amazing the way he is able to bring the house down with this material.

But Dice was not just a comedian. He was an actor as well. Although, it seems that the Internet falsely has the Oscar for Best Picture to Dances with Wolves in 1990, it definitely should have gone to the smash hit, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane." This movie is amazing in every single way. Here is the opening line of the film, as spoken by the Diceman himself:

“They call me Ford Fairlane, Rock n’ Roll Detective. I have the power to get in the hottest clubs, the hottest dressing rooms, and the hottest chicks.”

That type of writing is brilliant. I was already laughing out loud at "rock n' roll detective," because the fact that somebody came up with that idea is absolutely mind-boggling to me. I would say it's the best movie I have seen this year (the 30 teen comedies I've watched have not treated me kindly). It also includes such celebrities as Al Bundy, Freddy Krueger, and Tone-Loc. If that's not enough for you to run to your local video store to pick up this movie, how about another quote:

"What's the definition of vagina?
The box a penis cums in."

And there's plenty more brilliant lines where that came from. But as great as Dice was as a movie star, it can't compare to his near flawless performance as a stand-up comedian. Here is how Wikipedia describes his comedy: "His act is usually about fellatio, sex, masturbation and intolerance to basically everybody (women in particular)." Since he is best known for his nursery rhymes, let's take a closer look at some of his brilliant rhymes:

Little Boy Blue...he needed the money!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy!

Patty cake, Patty cake
Baker's man.
If your chick's on her period
Just fuck her in the can!

Yes, just about every one of his jokes either degrades women or the gay community. Just reading them, they really aren't that funny, but if you go deeper, they become hilarious. First off, the way he performs these jokes with yells and random noises thrown in really bumps up the funny on these jokes. What I find funniest about these jokes is that he sat in his room thinking these up. He went through draft after draft of rhymes (and I'm sure each was hilarious), and he settled on these. After months of contemplating the best way to get a laugh out of Mother Goose, he finally settled on, "You remember Mother Goose...I fucked her." Perfection.

Yes, the Diceman has fallen on some hard times, but this type of brilliance doesn't just go away. Just don't tell him he's running a gym:

Yeah, the Diceman's still got it.


P.S. I am really starting to like the Lions more and more as I found out that Jim Schwartz and I share the same love of Ronnie James Dio.

P.P.S. Last night, there were people in skeleton face paint in my living room watching Family Guy (hence it's time for me to get back to Iowa where shit like this doesn't happen). It was both guys and gals doing this. I gave them a simple, “What’s up?” and nothing more. I’m sure it ruined their night, because they clearly only did it for attention. I had more important things to give attention to, like eating a delicious bowl of Rice Krispies.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Professional Sports Teams and Nutrition

Chicken, Ribs, and a shit ton of BBQ, how does an NFL team purposely feed their players this two days before a game? How do they not get a real chef to come in and make them something healthy and delicious? When it comes to the Randy Moss saga, everyone seems to be overlooking this part of the story. This is a terrible oversight by a professional sports team. Now, most likely, NFL players are going to eat whatever the hell they want when they have their choice, but if you are going to bring in food for a team, it is inexcusable for an organization to feed them that sort of food.

I'm not a health nut, and I’m certainly not a real athlete, but I am somebody who likes to stay in good shape. With my limited working out, I can tell a huge difference with my body from when I’m eating healthy and when I’m eating unhealthy. It is most likely magnified when we’re talking about the premium athletes in the NFL.

Obviously, Moss comes across as a dick in this story, but if he came out and said, “I’m a professional athlete and it’s criminal that they were feeding us that with a game less than 48 hours away,” I’d have trouble blaming the guy.

Anyway, I haven’t seen anybody in the mainstream media bring this up, so I figured I’d throw it out there. And if the Bears, Bulls, or Cubs are reading this and aren’t already feeding their team healthy food, please God, start. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the difference in nutrition led to a game difference in football, two in basketball, and three in baseball.


P.S. Because I love Derrick Rose, here is the newest D-Rose commercial.

Also, anybody who thinks Rajon Rondo is better than Derrick Rose is an absolute moron. Rondo is a complimentary player who could never be the number one option for a team. Rose didn't have a great game last night, but that was because the Celtics defense was completely focused on stopping him. Because of that, it created open shots for other guys, and Noah shot like he was Larry Bird. And although it didn't work out, I loved that Rose waved off the pick from Noah at the end of the game so he could try to take out Rondo on his own. It didn't work out, and probably wasn't the smartest decision, but it took balls, and I love balls (If I can be gay about my love of Andrew Luck, I can be gay about my love of Derrick Rose).

Friday Football Thoughts

Alright, before we get into a great weekend of football, here are my thoughts that I have accumulated over the last week.

Usually, I like to take a look at who Iowa is playing next, but I can't sit through an Indiana game. Here's the quick scoop: Their defense sucks, and they like to pass the ball. As long as James Hardy does not regain eligibility, the Hawkeyes should cruise to an easy victory.

Also, how is James Hardy a total bust? That guy owned Iowa like no other player has before. Is he just sitting at home hoping an NFL team signs Adam Shada so he can dominate the pro level? Probably. God, I hate James Hardy.

The League is such a bad show. I keep watching it out of habit, but it just keeps getting worse and worse. It's gotten to be like a really disappointing relationship. It's like getting with a girl with a pretty face, but who's a little thick. You think that she's going to lose that little bit of weight, and be really hot, but she just keeps packing on pounds, and although there's a lot of potential there, eventually you just have to let go.

I heard the best fantasy idea ever this week. You get a football, basketball, and baseball league, but you do one draft for all three leagues. You can draft any sport at any time in the draft, and you can make trades from your other teams to help stock your roster. Imagine trading Arian Foster and Pablo Sandoval for Derrick Rose. This would be the most fun league in the history of fantasy sports. If anybody's interested, let me know.

I know my Husky (the Washington ones, not the fat ones) fans may not like this, but here are my thoughts on Jake Locker:

His biggest issue is that he locks onto one receiver, and he completely freezes if that option isn't open. His pocket awareness was not there at all against Stanford as he got sacked a lot, but a lot of the time he just stood still until somebody took him down.

He's really not all that accurate of a quarterback. He has the physical tools to make any throw, but he makes some really awful passes. His two interceptions from last game were a slant that he led the guy too far and a seam route that he overthrew by about ten yards. Even Jay Cutler is more careful with his throws.

Locker is a great athlete, but he doesn't use it effectively. Despite great speed, because of the poor awareness, I would say his actual mobility is below average. One thing I did like was when UW rolled him out of the pocket. It was very rare, which I didn't understand, but he did look a lot more comfortable when moving outside of the pocket, and actually seemed more comfortable throwing on the run as opposed to setting his feet and firing passes. I don't think you can create an NFL offense around a guy constantly rolling out. Because of that, I wouldn't even think about drafting this guy until maybe the third round. He's got all the tools to be great, but there's just too much that needs to be fixed. The Hoff agrees.

On the other end of the QB spectrum, Andrew Luck is awesome.

He just has such great awareness of everything going on in the field of play. He is able to scan the field and make great decisions on which receivers to throw to. He does a great job of feeling pressure, and is able to move around the pocket to avoid sacks. He's not as good of an athlete as Locker, but the way he uses his speed gives him far greater mobility. Not only was he able to avoid sacks, but he also saw an open lane on a passing play and ran 51 yards for a TD. Also, all of his decisions are extremely quick. He moves through his progressions so well that he can hit his third option before a pass rush gets to him.

Also, most importantly for a QB, Luck throws a strong ball with good accuracy. He had a lot of strikes that were 15-20 yards downfield where he put it where only his receives could catch it. The only complaint that I could come up with his throwing is that his deep ball was a little shaky, but I think he only threw one or two, so that's an extremely small sample size.

I feel that a lot of times the only reason Washington ever stopped Stanford was because of poor play calling, because Luck’s first option on third down was a short route where they weren’t able to create enough after the catch to get the first down.

One thing I might worry about is that Luck did seem hesitant to challenge Washington downfield and would take the dink and dunks even if they weren’t enough for first downs. Still, a lot of this could be attributed to a huge lead for Stanford and not wanting to make a big mistake to give Washington a chance to get back in it.

The only other issue is that Washington sucks, but Luck can't really help that. I'm hoping to catch at least a decent amount of the Stanford/Arizona game tomorrow, which should give me a better idea of how he performs against at least a solid defense.

Yes, I love Andrew Luck. Don't judge me.


P.S. If Zenyatta and Andrew Luck decided to fornicate, they would create the ultimate centaur baby. I'm just throwing it out there.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Badass Country

I noticed this a while ago, but I figured I would finally share a simple way of finding badass country musicians. It's amazingly simple, and it works for four out of the top five country musicians out there (Dierks is the exception, and although I do enjoy me some Hootie country music, I wouldn't classify it as badass). The simple way of spotting these badass country musicians is that they have a song that is named after a previous badass country musician. Let's break it down:

Jason Aldean
Song: Johnny Cash
Latest Album: My Kinda Party
Best Song: My Kinda Party - I've only listened to the CD once, so this is just initial reaction, but this was at least good enough to inspire a blog post.
Worst Song: Dirt Road Anthem - He raps in this song. I will never be a fan of country musicians rapping (Corey Smith comes to mind), and this was no exception. Stick to what you know; don't grow an afro (See? I can't rap, so I shouldn't try).
Album Rating: Pretty badass, a lot better than his last CD.

Eric Church
Song: Pledge Allegiance to the Hag (Merle Haggard)
Latest Album: Carolina
Best Song: Smoke A Little Smoke - Really surprised this became a single, because it has a very bluesy feel as opposed to most country. Still, it's a song about getting messed up and not giving a shit about anything, hence it kind of relates to me.
Worst Song: Without You Here - Not a terrible song, but every time I look at the title, it reminds me of 3 Doors Down's "Here Without You" and that reminds me that 3 Doors Down exists, which is a real bummer.
Album Rating: Really badass, but I'd give a slight edge to his first CD.

Josh Thompson
Song: Blame It On Waylon
Latst Album: Way Out Here
Best Song: This one is too close to call, so I'll make it a tie between Always Been Me and A Name In This Town. Always Been Me probably has the edge on being a better song, but A Name In This Town is probably slightly more badass.
Worst Song: Sinner, I listened to this once and that was enough for me.
Album Rating: Completely badass; outside of that one song, you could make a solid argument for any of the others being the best on the CD.

Justin Moore
Song: Hank It
Latest Album: Justin Moore
Best Song: Another tie for me between How I Got To Be This Way and Like There's No Tomorrow. The first one is more badass, but the latter is a love song that is basically about banging like there's no tomorrow. Mad props for that.
Worst Song: Grandpa - I don't like the sentimental shit; I just like to party.
Album Rating: Totally badass, and I can also say that his performance in Iowa City was one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Of course, I went VIP status so I could have 5 complimentary drinks (7 and 7s, obviously), and a BBQ Buffet. That is truly the best way to see any country music concert.

If you haven't heard any of the CD's that I mentioned, give them a listen, they're badass, just like me.


P.S. This is the funniest thing I have read in a while. Minnesota's current targets for their next football coach are Boise State's Chris Petersen, TCU's Gary Patterson, and Stanford's Jim Harbaugh. That's cute. Although I was unable to confirm this at the time of publication, sources close to me (they're inside my head) said their initial list included Vince Lombardi, Phil Jackson, and Jesus. I can't wait for Lou Holtz to accept this job.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

MILF Is The Gayest Movie Ever Made, Literally

As dedicated readers of the blog probably already know, I am a sucker for teen comedies. Note that I did not say a sucker for good teen comedies, because nearly every one of them is absolute shit. I was ecstatic to find out about a new movie called MILF.

This was not just a normal, poorly written, poorly acted, poorly executed teen comedy. It was surprisingly much more than that. This is the gayest movie I have ever seen. I do not mean that this movie is bad (although it is quite awful). I mean that this movie is gay. It was filled with homosexual undertones throughout the entire film. It got to the point where I wouldn't have been surprised if there was a dick sucking orgy thrown in there. Let's break it down in chronological order:

:08 – The best friend is in a trance, and the main character was awkwardly touchy feely with him. Not to the point to draw a ton of attention, but he basically held his hand before leaving. Tell me this doesn't look gay.
I have never held a man's hand like that. I've rarely held a woman's hand like that, as it is a level of intimacy that I try to avoid.

:09 – This movie is now getting weird with the gay undertones. There was a girl talking about her ex-lover Randy, turns out it was Randi. Now, this guy meets a girl named Alex. Every girl has a guy’s name. It's a subtle thing, but I don't think you can dismiss it as nothing, especially with all the supporting facts that I will be going through.

:11 – We’ve been introduced to our bad guy, and he’s overtly male. He is obnoxious, drinks bud, and uses the term broski. Yet despite this manly man's manliness, he has a buddy who has a dog that is almost exclusively owned by females.
That dog is a pretty blatant symbol of their homosexuality. I am not saying anyone who owns a dog like that is a homosexual, but when you position characters as overtly male and then give them that sort of dog, you want the audience to see that and notice that their overt masculinity is actually to compensate for their homosexuality. That being said, I'm not sure if anyone involved in this movie is smart enough to notice this; they may have just thought it'd be funny to give them a tiny dog.

:12 – They have a hole in their wall where they watch heterosexual sex, but three of the guys are literally crawling all over each other to get to the hole.
It's three guys, laying on a bed, crawling all over each other to get to the hole. Again, this is a fairly simple metaphor for guys going for the pleasures the asshole creates in homosexual intercourse.

:13 – The bullies throw them on trash, and they get sticky white goo all over themselves. I’m not making this up; this is really happening.
Clearly, the white goo is a representation of semen. I don't know why trash would be covered in a goo. This makes absolutely no sense in any way other than a fantasy of covering these four guys in ejaculate.

:15 – We find out the two main characters’ mothers are at least bi-curious as the two of them are playing with sex toys together.

:17 – Friend feels bad about seeing mother naked so he says he’ll be his non-gay servant. I don’t know why he needed to put non-gay in there. I wouldn’t think servant implies any sort of hetero or homosexual connotation. Clearly, the writer had homosexual thoughts on his mind and felt it necessary to throw it out there that these guys aren't gay. Anything that is pointlessly defensive like this makes me believe that these characters are, in fact, homosexuals.

:26 – They go to a bar called The White Swallow. I don't need to explain this one, right? Right.

:31 – Main guy sits outside door of apartment listening to his friend have sex, because his friend begs him to stay because he can’t have sex without him there. Again, this is pretty simple where the friend needs a male there to have successful sexual intercourse.

:35 – Two main guys wake up to find that Indian friend sent them a video of him getting laid, and they are excited to watch it. Best bud said he’d jerk off to this if he didn’t know his buddy. This one can be broken down like so:
First Thought: I'd jerk off to this.
Second Thought: If only my buddy wasn't in it.

He likes watching sex, but his main focus is the male in the sexual act and not the female. For me, the female is my focus in pornography, and I don't feel as I'm in the minority in that regard among heterosexual males.

:42 – This next part was what bothered me most about the movie, which is impressive, because a lot of things bothered me about this movie. The main character is having sex with a mom, and the guy who lives next to them is also having sex. The neighbor hears the other sex and stops having sex with the female. He decides he is going to investigate.
Here is the problem. He has to pull back part of his poster to look through their peephole. Somehow, the guys from the other room can see through this poster to watch him have sex. But as big as that plot hole is, let's get back to the main focus. This neighbor stops having sex with a girl, so he can watch other people have sex. He has the ability to see anything he wants of a female as he has a naked one in his room. The only reason he would want to peek at other people having sex is to see a male. There is no way of getting around the homosexuality of this action.

Of course, if that wasn't enough of you. The main character has to ejaculate, so he sticks his penis through the peephole and unknowingly gives the neighbor a facial.

:55 – Two nerdy guys were sleeping in the car together, British guy was stroking other nerd’s hair.
Again, this is just another easy example of implied homosexuality.

1:17 – Most movies have chicks wrestling around and jumping into water. This movie did it with dudes.
This is a pretty classic lesbian fantasy, so the fact that it is done with males definitely implies the desire that these two are homosexuals.

Now I am sure you can find a couple of these in just about any movie, but this movie had this many blatant examples of homosexuality (and probably about a dozen others I didn't feel like expanding on). Either this movie was made by gays, people who find gay stuff really funny, or really shitty writers. I’m hoping for one of the latter two choices, because I would feel bad to put this piece of shit movie on the gay community.


P.S. Here is a review of the film from imdb from user guestar57:

Better than the title,And Its a Good Title !
This is a really well written comedy.

Some laugh out moments,That We are used to paying $15 at the multiplex to achieve Mike Gaglio almost steals the movie and definitely his scene as a yoga guru.

These college boys having sex with older women seems mean at first,But these are no ugly babes at no matter What Age !

Well developed characters in some very different situations. Should do big money on Red Box, Netflix and where it can be consumed.

The 'John Mayer' lookalike can handled angst and comedy,From Scene To Scene. This could easily have been another American Pie... This could have starred Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen,The script is at that level.

These are all lies. The one that irritates me the most is the first sentence, as I could have written a better script as a sixth grader, and that movie probably would have just been about people picking their noses and farting. This movie had one good part where the British nerd said he was reading a book that would help him get laid. The book that was supposed to help? The Mystery Method.

The last line of the review made me laugh as this person is surprised that this didn't get A-List celebrities. One of the reviews notified me that most of the women in the movie are softcore porn actresses. Do they even count as D-List celebrities?

Things Women Should Stop Doing

Twitter is great for many reasons. It helped me stay updated on the World Series so I knew if it was a close game late so I could actually watch it (Needless to say, I didn't watch much of the World Series). It also keeps me updated on what Jose Canseco is up to, and as readers of UW know, that is something that I am very concerned about. But they also have these tags that give you a great scope of where we are as a society. I decided to look at the recent tag of #ThingsWomenShouldStopDoing. I thought it would provide great examples of what this world has become, and I think it did, but judge for yourself.

DaddyStroke_20 Gods Son

#ThingsWomenShouldStopDoing thinking every nigga just wanna fuck.

Only reason I’m showing you this one is that half of the tweets regarding this subject dropped an N-Bomb in there somewhere. I would say a third had the word fuck. I also really enjoyed how his Twitter name is DaddyStroke_20, but for his actual name he put “Gods Son.” And after all that, he tweeted this gem.

Ninjahood P-hizzo

#thingswomenshouldstopdoing actin God stop making vagina after he made yours

I’ll admit, I laughed out loud when I first read this one. Sure it’s semi-illiterate, but he gets his point across in an easy enough manner, and I found this one thoroughly enjoyable. Also, imagine if it was true. What if you were the lady with the world’s newest vagina? How would you use this to your advantage? I think this is going to be my new Mystery-like opener when I approach women at bars. It’s either that, or I’ll wear a boa.

sweetie_brandi - $ Brandiiii(:

#thingswomenshouldstopdoing thinking making babies with niggas will make them stay, newsflash !!! it'll make them leave quicker. dumb ass !

Women be shoppin…for baby daddies.

Along those lines, there were literally thousands that were women should stop doing blah blah blah, that’s why you can’t keep a man. I’m going to start telling girls that really inconsequential things that they do are the reasons they can’t keep a man.

BedStuyGab Bedstuy Gab

#thingswomenshouldstopdoing having #WolfPuss! Shave that shit hoe! You don't want niggas wit a jungle down there so trim yours too!

Definitely the MVP of this tagline. I really didn’t think anything could top browning out as my favorite term of the week, but WolfPuss is absolutely brilliant. And yes, I clicked on that tagline to see if anybody else was talking about WolfPuss. Unfortunately, I did not find any other results. I am going to definitely see how casually I can drop wolfpuss into conversations.

Mr_Rashad Rashad J

#thingswomenshouldstopdoing asking if they pussy is good after sex like we going to say its okay. so we cant get none no more.

I obviously like this one because it’s incredibly lewd, but that’s not the best thing about it. The best part about it is saying this tweet out loud. Do not change a word. I really like the “they pussy” part, but the ending is absolutely brilliant, “so we can’t get none no more.” A triple negative. That is incredibly insightful writing, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to actually pull off a triple negative. Congrats Mr_Rashad.

rellblack rell louis

#thingswomenshouldstopdoing don't let a guy fuk u n then 10mins later talkin about he rape u n shit that's not a gud look @ all

  1. This was the first thing that Rell Louis thought about when this topic came up.
  2. Doesn’t this necessarily mean that this has happened to him before?
  3. It seems to me that this guy should be in jail.
  4. Ladies, please stay away from him, and don’t be afraid to accuse someone who raped you of rape, even it isn’t a “gud” look on you.
  5. Since I do have the looks to turn lesbians straight and straight guys gay, Rell Louis, please do not try to “fuk” me.
So that's where we are at as a society. Yep.


P.S. Hey dumbasses talking about voting, hate to break it to you, but Mountain Dew already picked its new flavor. Voting ended a while ago.

P.P.S. NBA League Pass is free for the first week of the season, so I decided to take advantage by watching the Bulls-Pistons game on Saturday night. After watching Brian Scalabrine flail around the court for way too long and the Bulls being down 15 going into the fourth quarter, I finally decided to cut my losses and turn the game off. That's when the Bulls went on a 34-9 run to win the game by ten. Some would say I only have myself to blame, but I am putting 100% of the blame on Scalabrine. Fucking gingers.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Failures In Spam

The other day I had a Facebook friend request from some girl names Ashley Wilson. I do not know this person, but I confirm everyone as a friend, even Skeffington’s Formal Wear. Here is a picture of her:
As you can tell, it's ambiguous enough where I can't even tell if this girl is hot (I'm leaning towards not). She seems pretty tall, unless she's at the world's smallest drinking fountain. I looked up the name on the WNBA site, but I didn't find her on any of the rosters.

Soon after my confirmation of our friendship, I received a private message from her (or more likely a 40 year old who wants to rape me or my computer). Let’s break down the message:

Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then! I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada. I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous. I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?

Sadly, the signs of illiteracy actually make this more likely to be real, because I have learned that people my age who are supposed to be adults do still type like this. Still, we’ll go bit by bit to see what it’s desired result and actual result happened to be:

Hey, you know I added you thinking you were this person I used to know.. oops! You are pretty cool though so I guess I'll just tell you a little about me then!
Desired Result: Oh, she made an honest mistake, happens to the best of us. I am glad she thinks I’m cool, and I look forward to learning more about her.
Actual Result: Looks like my first inclination of this girl being fake was correct. I wonder if I can turn this into a blog post; it’s at least a p.s. Pretty cool? Come on, Spam messenger, I am extremely cool, don’t insult me. Also, I do not give a shit to learn more about you.

I'm Ashley, and I recently relocated here from this tiny town in Canada.
Desired Result: Wow, Canadians are always nice, and it’s awesome that she’s just located here. Maybe I could show her around.
Actual Result: You moved here? Here being where exactly? You don’t know, because this is being sent out to thousands of people.

I'm the down to earth girl next door type. Im currently taking Salsa dancing class and I totally love to cook, so I suppose it would be fair to label me sorta adventurous.
Desired Result: Man, I could use a nice girl next door type. Girls can be so cruel sometimes. Wow, she can cook for me, and she knows how to dance. She does seem quite adventurous. I never believed in fate before, but maybe her mistakenly thinking I was someone she knew will lead to our passionate love and eventual marriage.
Actual Result: This is probably my favorite part. She is the girl next door type and she’s adventurous. Hence, she appeals to everyone. That’s definitely the best writing in this entire e-mail. I thought there was more brilliant writing in there at first, because I originally read “totally love to cook” as “totally love the cock.” I don’t think this portrays me in a negative light, because it’s really the use of totally. If she just put love to cook, I probably could have read that correctly. But originally, I thought this was the best spam message ever; unfortunately, she does not willingly admit to loving the cock.

I was trying to attatch more pictures of me but its not letting it go through! Do u have an email I can send my pictures to instead?
Desired Result: Damn, I wish she could get those pictures online. I would like to see more of my lover. Wait, she wants to send me the pictures? Love does exist.
Actual Result: Are you fucking retarded? How hard is it to put pictures up on everything? There are five-year olds with Facebook accounts, and I’m sure they can put up pictures on Facebook. Also, I’m pretty sure at least one of my e-mail addresses is on my profile. You looked into how “cool” I was, why didn’t you notice the e-mail address? Sorry, creepy nerd who is doing this, you will not be raping me or my computer.

Before posting this, I decided to check my fake friend's profile. Yep, there are multiple dudes who have not just replied to her message, but actually posted their e-mail on her wall. This dumbass is my favorite:

Frankie Lama
Hi Ashley,when I first saw your picture I thought you were someone I onceknew;Alot of these pictures are from a class reunion,on saturday,Im just starting to learn facebook,and Im abit slow with the key board.I would love to give you my Email,you seem like agreat girl.I love music,I used to teach disco dance hustle and... still d,j, parties for family and friends ,Im a big sport fan. my email is mets092760@aol.com

People have become painfully stupid.


P.S. Does anybody know anyone besides Ricky Stanzi that has tried out these shoes? They have piqued my interests, and I need to get my list to Santa soon so he has plenty of time to have the elves make everything that I am deserving of.

P.P.S. It's official; I have been unemployed for one full year. Happy anniversary.