Monday, December 19, 2011

The Job Search - The Finale

As you can probably judge by the title, there is big news concerning my job search. For those that enjoyed this series, this will be a disappointing end. Although I have actually really enjoyed writing these up, as it makes the job search far less depressing, the end of this series represents a sense of relief. Not having money coming in kind of sucks, but really, the only time it is really awful to be unemployed is running into people that you haven't seen in a while and them asking, "What are you doing right now?" I usually just turned my bullshit up to 11, but towards the end, people stopped believing that I was in an astronaut training program with Lance Bass.

Anyway, let's review the week that was:

Jobs I Applied For:

Denver Nuggets – Ticket Services Representative
Inland Empire 66ers – Corporate Group Sales Manager
Republic Services – Customer Services Representative

Orlando Magic – Ticket Services Representative
Columbus Blue Jackets – Premium Seating Account Executive
New York Islanders – Ticket Sales Representative
Oklahoma City RedHawks – Group Sales Representative
Revolution Dancewear – Customer Service Representative
St. Ambrose University – Admissions Representative
Inland Empire 66ers – Community Group Sales Manager

Talladega Superspeedway – Consumer Marketing Coordinator
John Deere – Product Line Market Planner
Peoria Chiefs – VP of Corporate Sales
New York Yankees – Premium Sales and Service Consultant

WWE – Director of Program Research

Best Job: WWE - Director of Program Research
I accepted my new position on Thursday, so that's why the jobs fall off after Wednesday. Still, although I had just accepted a position, I will always be keeping my eyes open for a chance to work for the WWE. I'm horribly underqualified for the position, but maybe they'll misread my resume and offer me the job. I hope my new employer understands that the WWE will always have priority on my future. Woo woo woo, you know it.

Most Hilarious Job: WWE - Director of Program Research
Let's face it, getting a job one day, and still applying for something new the next day is kind of funny, but yes, despite being an adult, the WWE still has that much allure to me.

Best Story: I Got A Job...Kind Of
So the job search ends, but only kind of. I will be working at a college as a graduate assistant in the admissions department. Basically, they're paying me a little bit to do office work for 30 hours a week, and they're also taking care of everything but books for me to get my Master's. There has also been talk that I can get free food while on campus, so that would be a pretty sweet perk that I would exploit to its fullest potential. In 18-24 months, I'll have my Master's, and um, yeah, I might just be in the same boat I was last week, but this time with a Master's. Hopefully, I will prove my worth and they'll give me some real scrilla to stick around, but worst case scenario is I'll be smarter the next time I go looking for jobs.

So this will be the end of The Job Search on the blog. These have actually been surprisingly popular with traffic for the site, so I'll have to figure out other things people want to read like stories about My Little Pony, Mormons, and, of course, my boy, Jose Canseco.


P.S. If you need inspiration, the Ultimate Warrior is always willing to provide it. And this article also taught me that not only did The Ultimate Warrior legally change his last name to Warrior, but his wife and daughters also have the last name Warrior. I can nearly guarantee those girls will be married before they can legally drink just so they can have a normal last name.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Job Search - Part Six

Do you ever find yourself flipping through channels and thinking, "Wow, I can't believe they made a show out of that." I do that a lot. I don't really give a shit about pawn shops, or truckers in cold climates, or singers of any sort, but they make these shows, and a lot of them are successful. And despite me not having any interest in these professions, I will say it is far more entertaining than following around an unemployed person. A lot of my days are boring as shit. It's a lot of searching, clicking, and filling out applications. I did more of that this past week, so let's take a look at my progress.

Jobs Applied For:
Pittsburgh Penguins – Coordinator of Corporate Sales & Service
John Deere – Product Marketing Analyst
Meta Communications – Marketing Director
Palen Financial LLC – Office Manager
USA Football – Marketing Coordinator
Boston Cannons – Account Executive

Miami Heat – Season Ticket Services Account Executive
Milwaukee Bucks – Suite Sales Manager
Norandex – Customer Service Representative
InfoSec Institute – Student Services Office Manager
Cleveland Browns – Club Level Sales Account Executive
Houston Rockets – Suite Sales Executive
Minnesota Timberwolves – Corporate Sales Executive
Chivas USA – Group Sales Account Executive
Rutgers University – Manager of Fan Relationship
USA Triathlon – Youth Event & Programming Manager

Buehler – Service Coordinator
Home Warranty of America – Customer Service Team Lead
Miami Heat – Coordinator of Season Ticket Services and Retention
United Health – Claims Resolution Specialist
New York Mets – Season Ticket Sales Account Executive
Phoenix Suns – Partnership Activation Specialist
Sacramento Kings – Advertising and Promotions Coordinator

Pac-12 Enterprises – Sales Manager
Medicus Healthcare Solutions – Credentialing Coordinator

Cleveland Cavaliers – Account Executive
Charlotte Bobcats – Coordinator of Partnership Marketing
John Deere Financial – Web Communications Coordinator
Florida Panthers – Premium Services Coordinator
National Hot Rod Association – Ticket Sales Consultant
New England Revolution – Customer Service Representative

Best Job: Meta Communications - Marketing Director
Yeah, so I just went to a, to get a random number, and it came up with that job, because nearly all of those jobs are the exact same, so it was impossible for me to differentiate from them. Congratulations to the fine folks at Meta Communications.

Most Hilarious Job: National Hot Rod Association - Ticket Sales Consultant
Who doesn't love "The Hot Rod," "Rowdy" Roddy Piper? It doesn't matter what The Hot Rod is doing, because selling tickets for it will be like the easiest thing on the planet. Plus, I'm guessing that Piper and I will have to hang out occasionally. I imagine that we will become best friends pretty quickly until one day he reveals that he actually has another best friend. I'll be distraught about this, but then he'll reveal that his other best friend is Jose Canseco, and then we'll all be best friends and probably be the most powerful "Big 3" since the original nWo. (And I refuse to believe that the National Hot Rod Association is for anything but "Rowdy" Roddy Piper)

Best Story: Explaining My Time Off
So I have only had a couple part time jobs recently, and that definitely scares employers. For good reason, they wonder what the hell I did with my life. I tell them that I wrote a screenplay, and that very rarely gets much reaction at all. Then I tell them that I trained in mixed martial arts, which brings a scared silence to the conversation. I have learned to quickly follow this up with, "But as anybody who knows me will tell you, I could never be a fighter, because I'm not nearly tough enough." 90% of the time this gets a laugh out of whoever is interviewing me. When it doesn't, I know I'm fucked, but if it does, I know that I at least have a shot.

This past week, things couldn't have gone better when I went through my normal spiel. I interviewed with a man and a woman, and the woman's husband trained MMA, while the other guy was a wrestler who already has his kids in martial arts. These two could not have loved me any more, as we got completely off topic and they had smiles on their faces the entire time. I left that interview knowing that I nailed it.

The next business day they told me they hired an internal candidate.

Back to the drawing board.


P.S. The only way I would ever go to a therapist is if that therapist was Chael Sonnen.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Man's Guide To "The Nutcracker"

Since I am a man of great substance and culture, I went to the ballet over the weekend. Now many out there may call me a Nancy Boy for this action, but, um...shit, I was really hoping to have a comeback for that. Anyway, going to the ballet is a good way to impress a lady, so it's maybe, kind of, somewhat justifiable. 

I sat there intently as I actually learned many things from "The Nutcracker." It would be a disservice to the world if I kept these things to myself, so today, I would like to share my thoughts so that other men will know what they are in store for when going to "The Nutcracker." 

My only experience with ballet up to this point was the Saved By The Bell where the guys filled in at the last second so they wouldn't have to cancel things. Obviously, like all things SBTB, hilarity ensued. Screech dressed up like a giant bird, but everybody else was in leotards. Because of this, I assumed everyone would be in identical leotards throughout every ballet. Looking back, I realize this was not my most sophisticated thought, but this is what happens when your only point of reference is SBTB. I also can't stop time by saying "Timeout" which is another thing I found out the hard way. So although there are some leotards, there's a lot more variety than that.

Now onto the actual ballet. The first thing that will piss you off at the ballet (at least this performance) was that the ballerinas were mouthing words but not saying anything. If you are going to mouth things, you might as well just say it, because we have the technology for people to be heard. Either do a better job of acting, or just say that you want to punch your sister in the throat. 

The plot starts with a party where all these greedy kids want presents. They don't get presents for a while, until a magician comes along. The reason I believe he is a magician is that he wore a cape with lining on the inside that looked like a quilt. He didn't do any magic, but he did give presents from a giant treasure chest. Not only did his presents suck (half of them were just giant candy canes), but he only gave presents to like 40% of the kids. What an asshole.

Finally, he gives this girl a Nutcracker. Yep, that is another shitty present, but she's excited, so maybe she has some form of mental retardation. Immediately, two other kids break the thing. It gets fixed really poorly by The Magician, and then without explanation, it shows up again, and it's back to normal. 

The girl then dances around rat children for a while for no apparent reason. Then she puts her nutcracker in a magic shed, and he turns into a human-sized nutcracker, which is goddamned terrifying. Seriously, imagine this thing as a human coming at you:
Fuck that. There is no toy in the world that looks more like a rapist than this one. So I'm thinking this thing needs to be killed, and luckily there is a Rat King out there who is pulling this girl in because I think he wants to eat her for strength. I'm still rooting for the Rat King, because he kind of reminds me of Master Splinter, and I will cheer for anything that will kill this life-sized Nutcracker. Rat King and Nuts (my nickname for Nutcracker) get in a sword fight and Rat King basically owns him. Nuts plays dead like a total bitch, and when Rat King turns his back, he stabs him in the back. So now the rat children who I assume to be a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nobody to teach them ways to kill Nuts, so they mourn and disappear forever.

Afterwards, Nuts turns into a regular human, and they dance around a lot until intermission.

A lot of things happened before intermission, which is good, because very little, and I mean practically nothing happens plot-wise in the second half of this. It's really just a bunch of dancing in the second half. I couldn't even make up a coherent plotline from the dancing, because it looked like someone with ADD decided to have a dance party, but no theme for the dance party, so people just take turns showing off their moves.

The highlight of the second half was this dude who kept almost hitting wrestling moves on his lady dance partner. He nearly nailed her with a piledriver, but chose not to. Then he had her up for the torture rack, but decided against it. Finally, as he went off stage, he had her up for a Razor's Edge, so I'll just assume that he put her through a table with that one, but it was too gruesome for the children in the audience to watch.

And then anywhere from one to eight people take turns dancing, and the crowd applauds everything. It's absolutely outrageous. If this were a basketball game, they would applaud every time someone dribbled without turning the ball over. Ballet crowds are extremely easy to please. 

And really, that's all that happened in the second half. Lots of dancing. Eventually, our nightmare ends when Nuts turns back into his original nutcracking form, and the ballerinas proceed to bow for a good five minutes. 

Although I would not recommend "The Nutcracker" to other men, I will say that the ballet and I have two things in common. We can be completely ridiculous, and chicks dig us. 

Now please stop calling me a Nancy Boy.


P.S. To masculine up this post, here is a picture from @Si_Vault of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T:
I'm not sure what's most ridiculous: The weight belts? Hulk's socks? Mr. T's shoes? I'd probably go with the weight belts. That look definitely needs to come back.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Ultimate Thoughts From The Warrior

Ultimate Warrior made a brief, yet meaningful appearance on Twitter last night. As always, it was full of impact and intensity, so let's take a look at what is on the Ultimate Warrior's mind.

 The Ultimate Warrior 

RT  not sure what O.W.N is, and I wouldn't like Warrior to return." No one here gives a fuck what you like -- least of all me.

Classic Warrior. Put nerds in their place. Hey stats geek, nobody gives a shit what you think, least of all Warrior. I hope this loser spends his time researching the highest count out percentage of 1998 instead of giving us his opinion on one of the greatest wrestling superstars to ever grace this universe.

 The Ultimate Warrior 

Cold and dark. 16 degrees in my gym. 10 sets of full squats to do in the rack. Oh, how I love it best when I f'ing hate it. Do HARD. ALWAYS

Okay, so the last couple sentences do get me pretty pumped up. I love using Warrior mantras to get me pumped up in the gym and "How I love it best when I f'ing hate it." is definitely a message that I plan on keeping in my head while at the YMCA. "Do HARD. ALWAYS" is another one that I plan on making part of my repertoire.

But 16 degrees in his gym? Dude, just close the door. It'll be a lot warmer. I'm just sayin.

RT  Leighton Baller can you excersise 'too much'?" Cunts are always convinced overtraining exists.
WOAH! Warrior dropping a hard C. Do not ever talk about the Warrior's expertise (Intensity in all walks of life) with your stupid science and medical claims. Overtraining does not exist. If I worked out 24/7, I wouldn't be overtrained, I'd be overswolled. Warrior's toes are stronger than most men's quads. And if you disagree, well, you're just another lousy C-Word.

Also, it's from the UK, and they know just as much about working out as they do about dental care. Burn.


P.S. Oh, you didn't know? Your ass better call somebody! Taco Bell is introducing the Dorito Taco nationwide in 2012.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Job Search - Part Five

I am still unemployed, although I feel this streak could come to a close at any moment. I have had this feeling many times, and my job prospects inevitably fall apart. This has the potential to really depress people, but I take it in stride, because that's what I do with everything. I'm kind of a badass like that. But I think getting a job would help me score chicks, so I must trudge on. Let's get into the week in review:

Jobs Applied For:
Endodontic & Periodontic Associates – Business Development Representative
Philadelphia 76ers – Account Executive
Golden State Warriors – Ticket Sales Representative
Talladega Superspeedway – Ticket Sales Account Executive
Long Island Lizards – Ticket Sales Manager
Cincinnati Reds – Group Sales Representative

Golden State Warriors – Group Sales Representative
MRI Software – Client Experience Specialist
Tulsa Shock – Sponsorship Activation Coordinator
Quality Placement Authority – Marketing Coordinator
Washington Wizards – Manager, Group Sales
Atlanta Hawks – Assistant of Promotions and Event Activation
Dell – Data Entry Representative
Memphis Grizzlies – Account Executive
Minnesota Timberwolves – Corporate Sales & Services Associate

FIS – Client Services Manager
Lake Forest Health & Fitness Center – Membership Sales Advisor
Alliant Energy – Customer Service Representative
Empire Education Group – Student Services Coordinator
Trenton Thunder – Group Sales Account Representative
Dallas Stars – Account Executive
D.C. United – Corporate Sales Account Executive

Winston-Salem Dash – Group Sales Representative
Global Employment Solutions – Client Services Representative
Factory Motor Parts – General Office Administrator
Pettibone – School Admissions Representative
Muscular Dystrophy Association – Fundraising Coordinator
University of Buffalo – Ticket Sales Consultant
ARC – Assistant Community Manager
Per Mar – Customer Care Representative
Kansas City Chiefs – Ticket Sales Representative
Aerotek – Recruiter

Six Flags – Public Relations Specialist
Charlotte Bobcats – Group Sales Account Executive
Lake Erie Monsters – Corporate Partnership Executive
Texas Legends – Sponsorship Sales
American Airlines Center – Guest Service Coordinator

Best Job: Six Flags - Public Relations Specialist
During college, I took a course called Fairs and Amusement Parks, hoping that there would be a field trip and I could get an "A" for riding rollercoasters. This class was the opposite of riding rollercoasters. There were like seven books assigned for the damn class, and they wanted us to read them. We never talked about Six Flags or Disneyland, we talked about the 1900 World's Fair. Holy shit, it pisses me off just thinking about how much of a disappointment that class was. I think since that class sucked, karmically, I deserve a sweet job at Six Flags. Make it happen, Tebow.

Most Hilarious Job: Tulsa Shock - Sponsorship Activation Coordinator
When the WNBA is in the running, it's going to be very tough for any other job to be more hilarious than working for the esteemed ladies basketball league. Sue Bird is still my favorite player in in the WNBA, and I don't think that people should find it weird that I have a favorite WNBA player.

Best Story: Cold Weather Sucks
Since volunteering to do work is close to work, I figure this story will do. I volunteered to help some broad I'm hanging out with take care of her yard, since she had a billiondy leaves. I remembered that I enjoyed working outside, so I could jam out to some tunes, listen to some podcasts, and be at peace with nature. Unfortunately, Iowa in late November is pretty cold. I like to pop my shirt off, but I would both look and feel like an asshole if I were to pop off my shirt in sub-freezing temperatures. So, yeah, my advice for this week is just to live somewhere warm, either that, or don't help people. Doing both would be a wise choice.


Monday, December 5, 2011

4 Ways To Improve College Wrestling

First off, let me just say that I love college wrestling. I believe Folkstyle is by far the most exciting and has the most intelligent rules of any form of wrestling out there. The only thing against folkstyle wrestling is that it is not in the Olympics. This hurts Team USA in international competition, because the best wrestlers in other countries spend their entire lives focusing on Greco and Freestyle wrestling, while our wrestlers focus on a hybrid of both in Folkstyle. But seriously, college wrestling is awesome. But as with all things awesome, it could use some improvements to help the sport grow.

1. Education 
Let's face it, most sports fans are morons, and wrestling is a sport full of nuance. It's easy to understand a guy running across the goal line or shooting a ball in a basket. It's a little harder to describe what constitutes a takedown. I really like most wrestling announcers as they are usually on point with their descriptions of matches, but if I was in charge, I would piss off wrestling fans and tell them to dumb it down. I think announcers need to describe why there are points and why there aren't being points given any time the situation arises. This will obviously annoy wrestling fans, as any junior high wrestler can understand the sport, but wrestling fans will stick around either way, and college wrestling needs to do a better job of drawing new fans in.

Also, this needs to be stressed. Over about two hours, with an intermission, a person will see about 70 minutes of wrestling. Basketball plays 48 for about 2.5 hours, and football gets takes over three hours for 60 minutes of football. The only mainstream sport that compares is soccer, and wrestling is not a sport filled with flopping nancy boys.

2. Exposure 
ESPN, I know we have had our differences, but if you could do me a solid on this one, it would be greatly appreciated. Showing 4-5 Friday Night/Sunday Afternoon duals a year is definitely worth it. Amateur athletics is only growing in popularity, the College World Series, which very few people used to care about is now a very large summer event for ESPN. Showing a few top-notch duals would be cheap to produce and should at least get solid ratings. Iowa-Penn State, Iowa-Minnesota, and Iowa-Oklahoma State would all be worth of a national television audience. And that may seem like I have a horrible bias towards Iowa, but people know Iowa wrestling, so whether people love them or hate them, Iowa is a team that will get a casual sports viewer to tune in. Even AC Slater wanted to go to Iowa:

Plus, the rise of popularity of the UFC makes college wrestlers much more interesting since they are the closest thing to MMA prospects out there. ESPN needs to use that and always show highlights from former college wrestlers, whether it's Cain Velasquez, King Mo, Brock Lesnar, or even Dolph Ziggler. Stress that the wrestlers competing could be the next stars of the UFC or even the WWE.

Also, note to Big Ten Network: Wrestling gets your third highest ratings behind football and basketball, show more meets.

3. Adapt The Rules
The people in charge of college wrestling have done a fantastic job of helping the sport these last few years. They have made major changes to overtime, and this year they are going to be more aggressive on stalling calls as well as letting an opponent pick the starting position after someone takes an injury timeout. These are fantastic changes as less stalling means more action, and wrestlers will stop faking injuries to catch their breath in the middle of a match.

Another change I would like to see is them adapting a rule from freestyle wrestling where a wrestler receives a point for forcing his opponent out of bounds. This would cut down on wrestlers hanging out with their back near the outside circle, so they can just get out of bounds when someone shoots in for a takedown. It is really just another way for them to force action, which will help the sport overall.

4. Eliminate Bad Decisions
What happened in yesterday's Iowa-Iowa State duel was a travesty, and it's those kind of decisions that hurt the entire sport of wrestling. People might think that a decision in a meet that is only shown to Mediacom subscribers in the state of Iowa is not that big of a deal, but it definitely is. Despite it only being available to those select few people, it will still probably be one of the ten most watched wrestling meets this year.

For those who didn't watch (definitely most of you, possibly all of you), Iowa's Vinnie Wagner had just taken down Iowa State's Boaz Beard to tie the match at 9-9. They went out of bounds, and Beard had 1:12 of riding time with 13 seconds left on the clock. Since a wrestler needs a minute of riding time to receive a point at the end of the match, it looked like all Wagner had to do was ride Beard out for the remaining 13 seconds to force overtime as Beard would be left with just 59 seconds of riding time. Beard struggled to get out from under Wagner but was unable to do so and the horn sounded signaling that overtime would follow. This is what EVERYONE thought was going to happen.

Iowa State's coach, Kevin Jackson, argued that there should somehow be a minute of riding time, you know, because in Ames, 12 comes after 13. This is where things got crazy, as he actually WON the argument. The match ended 10-9 with no overtime period. The claim was that there were actually only 12.3 seconds left on the clock, but there are no decimals of seconds on a wrestling clock, while the wrestler had 12.5 seconds of riding time, hence giving him 1:00.2 seconds of riding time.

Even in Ames, the boos far outweighed the cheers for the decision, and Iowa's coaching staff understandably was very upset and had to have some of the coaches hold back other coaches to avoid being penalized another team point. Kevin Jackson remarked to the ref, "They can't be acting like that," and that just shows that he doesn't get it. He and the refs were the ones that were at fault there. Jackson cannot look to take a victory like that, and the ref needs to do what is best for the sport in that situation. Both wrestlers were of the understanding that Wagner needed to hold him down for overtime, and Beard needed to escape for the win. They wrestled as such, and Wagner did what he needed to do to force overtime. The refs need to let the wrestlers decide the winner, not a technicality on the clock. Honestly, it was probably the most entertaining match of the meet from start to finish, so I have absolutely no ill will towards Beard, because him and Wagner both wrestled a hell of an entertaining match.

But it's decisions like this that turn people off from, not only wrestling, but any sport. It's the type of decision where a casual fan walks away and says, "That was stupid. Why would I want to watch this again." Earlier in the meet (I believe it was about a lack of stalling calls), Tom Brands said, "You're setting the sport back." His words rang more true after the ref's decision in this matter as it truly is setting the sport back.

Still, Terry Brands summed it up the best when he said, "Only in Ames, Iowa."

I couldn't agree more.


P.S. For some reason, I don't see these autograph sessions happening in Iowa anytime soon, but Steve Alford is still a legend in Indiana:

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Ultimate Fighter Finale Preview

I really haven't written anything about Mixed Martial Arts in quite a while, but I was inspired by the recent season of The Ultimate Fighter, so I figured I would share my thoughts with the world. Let's go over the Ultimate Fighter finals as well as the coaches fight.

Bantamweight Final: John Dodson vs. T.J. Dillashaw
Not gonna lie, I'm horribly biased in my prediction for this fight. Dodson was one of my main coaches when I trained at Jackson's, and not only is he an awesome coach to have, he's also just a really good guy. Although the conditioning we did on Thursdays sometimes bordered on cruel and unusual punishment, it definitely helped me get in, by far, the best shape of my life.

As for real analysis of the fight, Dodson has most of the advantages. I don't think Dillashaw wants to stand with him for very long periods of time, so he is going to try to take the fight to the ground. From what I have seen, and because of his size advantage, Dillashaw is probably the better wrestler, but Dodson is incredibly hard to take down, and as people have seen on The Ultimate Fighter, he is even tougher to keep down.

I think the fight is going to end up a lot like the Johnny Bedford fight in the final episode. I think Dillashaw will get a takedown; I think Dodson will get up, and I think Dodson will TKO him in the second round.

Dodson by TKO - Second Round

Featherweight Final: Diego Brando vs. Dennis Bermudez
I am less biased in this one, but admittedly, still biased. Diego also trains at Jackson's, and if you saw the show, it's a pretty accurate portrayal of him. He's a real nice guy for the most part, but if you get on his bad side, he will destroy you. I only had a few interactions with him, and luckily, always remained on his good side.

In the fight, I really have trouble seeing Bermudez win this in any way. His only hope is to take Diego down and pull a lay and pray for three rounds. Not only is it going to be difficult to do, but Brandao has really good jiu-jitsu, so even on the ground, he could finish the fight. I don't think Bermudez gets it there, and this fight ends like all of Diego's other fights, first round knockout.

Brandao by KO - First Round

Michael Bisping vs. Jason "Mayhem" Miller
No bias in this fight. Miller has always been solid, but he has never shown any elite skills. Bisping also isn't a guy with a lot of "wow" factor in his game, but he's really good everywhere. Although I dislike Bisping, I think he probably wins this fight, although I will definitely be rooting for Mayhem, because I'm American.

Bisping by Decision


P.S. The Post Script has slowly turned into an advertisement for the Twitter handle of @si_vault, but when they post awesome things like a picture of Michael Jackson and Bo Jackson throwing a football together, it's really tough to not share it with the world.
That's just...perfect.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Why Tim Tebow Is Successful

Since I'm cynical, everyone assumes that I hate Tim Tebow. I don't. I actually like Tim Tebow. Although I think the abortion commercial during the Super Bowl was kind of douchey (because as everyone knows, puppies are way better than babies), it's his belief, and it's not like it was much worse than most of the other commercials aired during the Super Bowl (If someone made a video of the Finance Baby [no clue which finance place he works for] biting the curb, it would probably make my year).

So there are the people who hate Tebow, and the people that love Tebow. Some want to give him all the credit for the Broncos success, while others want to give him none of the credit. The answer, as anyone with half a brain could guess (obviously this is too much for ESPN employees), lies somewhere in between. The most simple explanation is that this is the perfect situation for Tebow to be successful at this moment in his career.

The first key to his success has been his defense. They have been excellent, and it has kept the Tebow-led offense in the games.

After that, give credit to Tebow for limiting turnovers. He has only thrown one interception this season, and the defense is successful, because they are not put in terrible spots. Tebow throws some ugly balls, but his balls are uncatchable for anyone instead of rocketing a pass into a defender's chest.

Also, and most importantly, the Tebow-led offense wears teams down. Defenses have to work harder than offenses. And running will wear a defense down more than passing the ball, because the offensive line is attacking as opposed to being the passive protectors. If you can manage to constantly run, the defense will not be in top form by the end of the game. Because the defense keeps games close, the offense really is peaking at the end of the game. It's not that Tebow has mystical game-winning powers, it's that the offense is fresher than the defense and they are taking advantage of that at the end of games. If there were five quarters in a game, I have no doubt that the Denver offense could dominate that as well.

Finally, credit where credit is due, Tim Tebow is a great leader. Let's face it, it is far easier to work hard for a leader who is busting his ass more than anybody else than it is for a guy who is doing just enough to get by. I've been in both situations, and I know that I am able to raise my game when I am following someone who is busting his ass as opposed to a lazy piece of shit. It works the same in the NFL. Tebow busts his ass, and his teammates are following his lead. This does matter.

Is this a sustainable strategy for success? Probably not. They haven't run into great teams, and when they played a good team like the Lions, they got their asses handed to them. But that doesn't mean Tebow will not be successful in the NFL. I think he should have a lot of success in the future. He is completing 45% of his passes in the NFL. This is atrociously bad, and also really surprising. Yes, there were questions about him being a quarterback in the NFL, but the questions were about his slow delivery and not having enough zip on his passes. His accuracy, although not great, was seen as fine for NFL standards. He never completed less than 64% of his passes and was above 70% his senior year. If I just give him a modest upgrade to 55%, it makes him a far more dangerous passer when it is combined with his running ability.

Will he win a Super Bowl? Hell, I don't know, and nobody does. If someone from the future told me that Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers would not win another Super Bowl, it wouldn't shock me. It's really tough to win a Super Bowl, only one team does it in any given year.

A more realistic question is whether Tim Tebow can be successful as an NFL quarterback. And with his skillset combined with his work ethic, I certainly wouldn't doubt it.


P.S. Here is an interview with the most exciting player in the NBA, Derrick Rose. 66-0 is a very real possibility this year.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Jose Canseco Is Fighting Shaq...Kind Of...But Not Really

Jose Canseco has been making a killing with his lucrative autograph signing business in Vegas. I am saying that with absolutely no knowledge of the situation outside of the two photos that Jose has posted to his Twitter where he is signing things and it appears customers are nearby.

But just because Jose is busy working doesn't mean he isn't patrolling the Twitter newsfeeds of other famous athletes to make sure nobody is talking shit about him. It's a good thing too, because Shaquille O'Neal happened to be talking smack about our unflappable hero.

Apparently Shaq was unaware that Jose is from the streets. I mean, he's so street hood that he's very nearly homeless. And the homeless don't take kindly to people offering up opportunities to make money, especially when it involves violence. Shaq must be unfamiliar with Bum Fights.

 Jose Canseco 

I accept shaqs challenge to fight him let's get it on .
Was there ever any doubt? Jose backs down from no man. He doesn't always win, and sometimes he is unable to show up, but he never backs down. But as great of news as this is, it does not compare to his next tweet.

 Jose Canseco 

Shaq tell ur girlfriend Dana white to make Thu fight happen
Oh, SNAP! He is implying that both Shaquille O'Neal and Dana White are homosexuals. Not only that, but since Jose is up on the news, he is shoving it in their face that gay marriage has not been legalized in most states. Boom, Shaq and Dana will have to stay in a homosexual relationship without the benefits of marriage keeping them together. That is some harsh shit-talk, but I would expect nothing less from a man who is willing to go out in public like this:
Jose Canseco is no nancy boy; that's for sure.

Also, you may have thought that Jose Canseco had a classic Canseco misspelling when he wrote "Thu fight" in place of "the fight", but this is not the case. He was actually asking for a Thursday fight, because that's his day off at the Mandalay Bay. Smart move, Jose. This is not the best time to have to look for a new job. Trust me, I know.


P.S. This photo from @si_vault is so awesome that it left me speechless at first. Ladies and gentlemen, a young Andre The Giant:

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Job Search - Part Four

Another week of disappointment as I continue my streak of unemployment. Luckily, the holidays came, so I got a short week of applying for jobs. Yes, I know I don't have a job, so the holidays really shouldn't stop my job hunting, but employers do have holidays and they really don't post many jobs over a holiday weekend. All in all it was a slow week, but let's review things from last week.

Jobs I Applied For:
Texas Stars – Account Executive
Evolutionary Enterprises – Registration Representative
Philadelphia Flyers – Sales Associate
University of Texas at San Antonio – Account Executive
Sacramento River Cats – Coordinator, Public Relations & Baseball Operations
Louisiana Tech – Ticket Sales Consultant

Providence Bruins – Manager of Sponsorship Services
Superior Techincal Resources – Marketing Communications Specialist
Medix Staffing Solutions – Customer Service Representative
Fishman Public Relations – Media Relations Specialist
San Diego Padres – Season Ticket Account Specialist
Mentor Network – Program Coordinator
Ebix – Client Service Analyst

Delmarva Shorebirds – Business Development Executive
Bridgepoint Education – Student Services Coordinator
Ashford University – Campus Admissions Counselor

Best Job: University of Texas at San Antonio - Account Executive
San Antonio is supposed to be a pretty cool town. Plus it gives me an in with co-eds. Not only will I be the best looking person down there, but I'll also be employed. I've heard that chicks dig employment.

Most Hilarious Job: Mentor Network - Program Coordinator
Who would be better to be a mentor than a person like me? My programs will include lessons on pro wrestling, MMA, and picking up chicks. So yeah, I can't imagine I won't get this job.

Best Story - Durpee Doo
So my confidence has been rising with this job search as I have had some good interviews, and my natural arrogance always makes me feel better than I probably should. This past week, I had a friend of a friend with an in at an employment agency, but I told him to wait off because I was close on a couple job opportunities. Within two hours, both of those opportunities had vanished into thin air. So, yeah, I'm going to talk to him about looking into that for me.

So not much this week. Hopefully something weird happens this week, so I have a more exciting update. Actually, maybe I should hope for a job happening, since that would probably be better. Shit, who am I kidding? I'd way rather get a good story out of this.


P.S. I don't have much, so here's an article about a pharmacist in a small town in Colorado. I know that doesn't sound interesting, but it's a pretty damn good story.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Today At The Gym

As I have stated, here, here, here, and here, I really hate idiots at the gym. It is so easy to have proper etiquette at the gym, yet the majority of the population somehow fails in this regard.

So these two nancy boys walk in. Now, I'm not saying that they were homosexuals, I'm saying they were nancy boys. There is just as good of a chance of them liking girls as guys, but if they do like girls, I hope they like big girls, because these fairies are going to need protection. And to be fair, one guy actually looked kind of normal at first glance, but he was getting personal training from a guy in black shorts, black tanktop, barbed wire tattoo, and goatee, this "personal trainer" was the nanciest boy that ever nancied.

As an aside, unless you are a fat guy or a professional wrestler, you should not have a goatee. End of discussion.

Back to the story at hand. These two nancies are prancing around and doing a very high paced workout with weights that I would probably get my mom started on if she wanted to workout. I couldn't hide my smirk as I saw these two going around to different equipment as they got their swoll on. I know that makes me an asshole, but whenever I see the blind leading the blind, I refrain from taking pity on them and instead just enjoy the show.

Then their nancy boy show interfered with my workout.

Before I get into their transgression, let me be up front about something. Monday is chest day for me, and chest day is my least considerate day. Since I do dumbbell presses with at least 90 pound weights, I like to just leave them on the bench I'm using as I circuit train my way around to different stations. This is not too big of a deal, because there are plenty of benches, and the only guys strong enough to use those dumbbells prefer to do bench press instead of dumbbell presses.

But these fucking morons had a different plan. In the middle of my workout, I see them moving my 90 pound dumbbells off of the bench, despite their being an open bench right fucking next to the one I was using. As ridiculous as this maneuver was, they managed to one-up themselves by then proceeding to use the bench that was open the entire time, while not doing shit with the bench that they had just cleared off. I have seen people shadow box shirtless in the gym, and yet that made more sense to me than the maneuver these nancy boys pulled off.

When I go to the gym, I go there to get out as fast as possible while getting my swell on. I did not have time to deal with those two as honestly it wasn't worth me sacrificing my workout to deal with them. Plus, I didn't want to get arrested  for murdering two people using nothing but headbutts.

Later on, they ended their workout with shadow boxing.

Of course they did.


P.S. Here's an awesome music video from Ronnie James Dio, because Dio is to rocking hard as those two nancy boys are two nancying.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Job Search - Part Three

Another day, another dollar...well, not really for me, but for others, I'm sure they are experiencing that. This is another week in the journey of my unemployment. Let's go over the jobs I applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job, and the best story from the week.

Jobs Applied For:
Chicagoland Speedway – Manager of Stragetic Alliances
Utah Grizzlies – Corporate Partnership Account Executive
WWE – Note Taker

Visalia Rawhide – Community Relations Coordinator
Zinger Property Group – Customer Service Representative
Daytona International Speedway – Guest Services Representative
International Bowling Campus – Director of Membership Development
New England Revolution – Account Executive
Bowie Baysox – Group Events Manager
Philadelphia Wings – Account Executive
Milwaukee Bucks - Corporate Partnership Services Coordinator
Savannah Sand Gnats – Group Sales Manager
Minnesota Wild – Account Executive of New Business Development

Staten Island Yankees – Sales & Marketing Coordinator
Unnamed Frontier League Team – Corporate Sales Manager
ALLI – Partnership Sales Coordinator
San Diego Padres - Manager of Partnership Fulfillment
Canton Charge – Business Development Specialist
Texas Legends – Account Executive

Los Angeles Dodgers – Corporate Sales Account Executive
Mather LifeWays – Community Resource Arranger
Valcom – Client Services Representative
Mack & Associates – Office Manager
Memphis Grizzlies - Coordinator of Corporate Partnership Services
Milwaukee Brewers – Ticket Services Lead
Talladega Superspeedway – Ticket Operations Manager
USA Rugby - Competitions Management Coordinator
Columbus Crew – Account Executive
Columbus Crew – Fan Retention Coordinator

Associated Research – Customer Support Representative
MRI Network – Customer Service Manager
TMone – Customer Service Agent
Charter Steel – Customer Service Representative
John Deere – Senior Sales & Service Representative
IMG Academies – Soccer Business Manager
USA Rugby – Fundraising Manager
Cintas – Customer Service Representative
San Francisco 49ers – Sales Consultant
Midwest-CBK – Account Manager

Best Job: WWE - Note Taker
It's the WWE, so yeah, I would gladly work for them. There may be no greater company in the world. So being a Note Taker for the WWE may be the greatest honor I could ever receive. Although, I would gladly take any job with the WWE, here would be my three most ideal jobs:

3. Internet Title Security
2. Dolph Ziggler's Wingman
1. Kelly Kelly's Wardrobe Consultant

I'm not proud to say it, but I would definitely join the Vince McMahon "Kiss My Ass" Club for any of these positions, even the Note Taker.

Funniest Job: International Bowling Campus - Director of Membership Development
What the hell is the International Bowling Campus? Good question, but I decided not to look into it until just now, because Director of Membership Development sounded like a bomb-ass job for someone with my skillset. Did it deal with bowling? Did it deal with NCAA Bowl Games? Did it involve fancy cereal bowls? Unfortunately, it was the first one, but that's still pretty cool, right? Well, it's cool enough. Plus, it would be such an honor to work with great athletes such as these guys...
Hooray Athletes!

Best Story: Are You Serious Bro?
As I talked about last week, I had an interview with two people who should not have had anything to do with the hiring process at a local gym. But since I'm unemployed, I need to keep my options open, so I spoke with the owner this past week to see if this would still be an acceptable opportunity for me.

Of course, I get the complete opposite of the ten minute tweedle idiot conversation I had the first time, as this guy had no intentions of ever ceasing to speak. And he brought up absolutely everything but the one thing I wanted to know about, which is how much cheddar is this job going to get me? I know absolutely every square inch of the operation and every machine in the gym, but after over an hour of speaking, I still had no idea what the job actually paid.

Finally, we made it to that crucial moment where I was hoping (but not expecting) to hear my possible six-figure salary. When I heard the number, I don't know how I hid my disdain, as I realized that I just wasted 90 minutes of my life. It was not the six-figure salary that I was hoping for. In fact, and this was almost unbelievable to me, but it was not even a five-figure salary. Yes, folks, it was $800 a month. $9600 a year. Obviously there was commission involved in there, but not even $10,000 a year? When I worked in minor league baseball, the interns got $500 a month, and they even got free housing. 

So, yeah, the job search continues.


P.P.S. Since I included Jose, I might as well include The Warrior with this interview done by some Canadians.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Finding "The Me" Fetish

I was partying it up this past weekend, and I had the chance to shoot the shit with a friend of a friend who happened to be black. For those of you asking why I need to mention that he was black, trust me, it's not just that I love to racially profile people, but it is important to my story.

We got to talking and he told me how easy it is for him to get laid. Usually, I just turn my brain off at this point, because guys, especially ones I just met, I really do not give a shit about your sex life. But then he said something interesting when he told me, "Yeah, all I have to do is show up and wait for the girl with the black guy fetish."

This got me thinking.

Where are the girls who fetish for me? The ladies who yearn for my Hott body. The broads who want nothing more than to enter my bone zone. Where are they?

I have had to earn every piece of tail I have ever gotten, and it really sucks to know that had I just been exotic in some sort of way, I wouldn't have had to work for it at all. Where are the girls who want nothing more than a white guy who is built like a tennis player?

I brought up my perilous struggle to my new black friend, and he suggested that there are probably girls with a Rafael Nadal fetish. And he's right! Because Nadal is exotic. A better example would be Andy Murray. There can't be many ladies who yearn for this:
Yet that is the struggle that God has cursed me with. I mean, shit, at least Andy Murray is tall, which a lot of ladies like. I'm only 5'9", so I don't get bonus points for being tall, and I'm not short enough for a fetish in the opposite way either.

And yes, I'm in very good shape. Ladies like this, but they don't love it, because when I pop off my shirt, ladies are impressed, but no matter how hard I work out, I will never be like John Basedow.
And he's only using ten pound weights. But he's the guy on those smutty romance novels. What an asshole.

And the list goes on and on. Some girls love dark hair, others love blonde hair, I, of course have light brown hair. Girls like guys who are really tan, and although I'm not pasty white (although I'm sure there's a fetish for them too), you wouldn't describe me as dark either. Some girls like assholes, while others crave nice guys, and while I do have a heart of gold, I'm still kind of an asshole.

Seriously, there is nothing fetish about me. I have earned everything I have gotten from the opposite sex. From the smallest graze of female contact to the hottest bone session in the Western Hemisphere, it was never a fetish that caused it, just hard work and a little bit of game. I have yet to find a girl with "The Me" Fetish.

So ladies, if you're out there, let me know, and you can finally fulfill your fantasy of hooking up with an unemployed blogger. You know you want to...right?


P.S. Enjoy this picture of the greatest player in St. Louis Cardinals history (via @SI_Vault) as you snap into a Slim Jim.
Oooooooh yeah! MACHO MADNESS!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Job Search - Part Two

I'm certainly not employed yet, so that means it's time for round two of my Job Search. As I stated last week, I'll go over the jobs I applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job, and the best story from the week. Let's do this:

Jobs Applied For:

Emkay – Client Support Specialist
International Education Corporation – Employer Business Developer
Sacramento River Cats – Coordinator, Partnership Activation
TMone – Customer Service Agent
Oakland Athletics – Account Manager
Cincinnati Reds – Season Sales Representative
eBay – Administrative Assistant
Denver Outlaws – Ticket Sales Account Executive
Seattle Storm – Ticket Operations Coordinator
Gold’s Gym – Fitness Consultant
John Deere – Professional Writer - Crop Insurance

Maurice Sporting Goods – National Account Coordinator
NASCAR – Coordinator of Rights & Clearances
ALFA International – Coordinator of Events & Member Services
Adecco – Complaint Analyst
Mystery Company - Insurance Customer Service Representative

Washington Nationals – Assistant Ticket Manager
John Deere – Training Coordinator
CSI Processing – Business Development
Aerotek – Recruiter

Guaranty Bank – Assistant Branch Manager
Kenney & Company Staffing – Sales Manager
America Works – Corporate Representative
Class 1 Air – Account Manager
PR Newswire – Assistant Editor

CRSGroup – Staffing Support Specialist
ZS Associates – Administrative Assistant
Kansas City Royals - Premium Sales Account Executive
Delmarva Shorebirds – Ticket Office Manager
Workway – Client Services Specialist
Denver Broncos – Client Retention Executive

Best Job: Kansas City Royals - Premium Sales Account Executive
Not a lot of options that really stand out this week. A lot of the sports jobs are pretty similar, but the Royals are at least on their way up. Good young players, nice stadium with recent renovations, and Kansas City is a pretty good time. Plus Premium Sales means that I get to meet the ballers of Kansas City. Who are the ballers of Kansas City? I don't know; that's why I'm so interested in this job.

Funniest Job: Seattle Storm - Ticket Operations Coordinator
Oh, hell yeah! Without the NBA, could the WNBA become America's pastime? The simple answer is no, but when you look at things a little bit deeper, the answer remains a simple no. Until America gets tired of bigger, faster, stronger, more coordinated athletes, the WNBA probably isn't taking off, but I could definitely coordinate the operation of some tickets.

Best Story: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Stupid
I was at a loss for words at the end of this one. I interviewed with a local gym to be a Fitness Consultant. I start off interviewing with Guy One. We go over my background, and he is super impressed with me. We only talk for about 5-7 minutes, and all he really tells me about the position is that it involves sales. Still, he wants me to meet with Guy Two.

Guy Two comes by and immediately tells me how he is in charge of the personal trainers, but has no experience with the sales side of the business. The question going through my head is, "Why would I need to talk to you then?" Luckily he answers this by telling me that Guy One wanted him to meet with me since he is the ONLY person on staff that has experience interviewing people.

So he talks to me for another five minutes, and he asks me if I am alright being friendly if people know my name, because it took him some time to get used to. I informed him I was not some weirdo, and kind of expected people to know my name since everyone there wears a NAMETAG. He is happy that I am a normal human being, so he feels comfortable telling me that some people find out his address and where his wife works. In fact, it got so weird that he decided to live in another city so he didn't have to deal with these people all the time. Um...that is slightly different than people calling you by your name when you come in, but I decided to just go with the flow on that one.

Finally, he explains that they will have people back for a second, and probably even a third interview. I'm fine with that, so he goes to have Guy One show me around. Two minutes later, Guy One shows up, and says, "Congratulations, you got the job." Before I had time to tell him that I have no idea what the job is, how much it pays, or if I want it, he informs me that I will talk to the owner in the next few days.

It was one of the saddest, and definitely the dumbest interview I had ever had. And yes, I may be unemployed, but it is going to take a hefty sum of money to get me to agree to this position.

Just another day in an unemployed life.


P.S. Ultimate Warrior thinks you're a pussy...and other stuff.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Jose Canseco Has A Job!

As most of you probably know, the baseball season ended a few weeks ago. The Rangers decided they would rather lose in seven games than sign Jose Canseco to their squad. Jose Canseco at DH would definitely have led them past the Cardinals, but that is their loss.

Jose's baseball season ended quite a bit before that, which led him to the world of unemployment. He tried to make a couple extra bucks by celebrity boxing against Lenny Dykstra, but unfortunately, Dykstra backed out and Jose was left without an opponent.

But if there's one thing that we have learned about Jose Canseco through his Twitter account, it's that he will always persevere. Sure, there are no jobs for a retired Bash Brother in southern California, so he hit the road. Jose is moving to Las Vegas. Vegas, baby, VEGAS!

What entrepreneurial adventure awaits our fearless hero? Is he playing celebrity poker? His idea of a reality show with other former MLB players? Will he be on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter? Unfortunately, none of these are the answer to the question of Jose's next adventure. Jose is, wait for it...keep waiting for it...Jose is going to be...well I'll just let him tell you:

 Jose Canseco 

Come down to the Art of Music at the Mandalay Bay Hotel Shops in Las Vegas. I'm signing autographs 6 days a week from 1 pm to 5 pm

Um, really? Shit, that was not the awesome adventure I was hoping for. That's actually kind of sad. No, it's really sad. Well, at least he's probably only doing it for a month, and then he'll get into something more awesome. Right, Jose?

 Jose Canseco 

Going to be at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas for the next year. Tuesday thru Sunday 1pm to 5 pm. Art of Music Store

Holy shit! A year? Jose, your afternoons are taken up for six days a week for the next year to sign autographs? A year? This is not the badass Jose that we have come to know and love. This is a neutered version. I blame Miss Leila. Jose has told me that she uses drugs and lies, yet Jose is back with her. She sounds like one of these:

With that all out in the open, I still have one question for my readers: Who wants to go to Vegas with me?


P.S. Ultimate Warrior, you are still awesome, right?
 The Ultimate Warrior 

RT  thought on penn state" Fill Beaver stadium 4 PPV, unlock prison inmates to fuck Sandusky et al up ass, castrate & let die

 The Ultimate Warrior 
Yes. Paterno, too.

Oh yeah, he is.