Thursday, December 30, 2010

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part Three

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Watson's towel waving, Thomas's character, and Scalabrine's gingerness, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present Part Three.

Kurt Thomas – Bruce Mathis – Yes, these men both have hearts of gold.  Yes, they are great character guys.  On the surface, these are guys that you want as part of your team.  But then reality sets in.  Bruce Mathis, we don’t need your preachy goodness.  Kurt Thomas, you can’t character the ball in, and you can’t intangible somebody to stop them from scoring.  Kurt and Bruce, you are good guys, but if I never saw you again, I can’t say I’d lose any sleep over it.

C.J. Watson – Luther Mac – These two may not seem to have much in common at first glance, but they are surprisingly alike.  As we have learned from Mac’s Dad, he does have a softer side.  As we learned from the Denver game, Watson actually is a competent NBA point guard.  They seem like they’d be detrimental, but they’re not bad guys, and honestly pretty likeable.  Still, we’re all better off when they can’t do any harm to us like when Mac’s Dad is in jail, and Watson is on the bench.
James Johnson – Night Crawlers – He is best when he is only talked about but never actually seen.  He sounds so awesome, an athletic swingman who always tries hard on both ends of the floor.  But much like Night Crawlers is missing blankets, James Johnson is missing basketball skills.  If they added that missing piece, they could really be awesome.

John Lucas III – Gail The Snail – every time she is on the screen, you ask why. 
The same is true of Lucas.  She was only in one episode, and I think John Lucas III was in only one game.  You want to like him, because it’s not like you’re a vengeful person who needs to hate people for sucking, but let’s face it, Gail and Lucas are the worst.  You wish you could tolerate them, but they’re so awful that you just want to salt them until they leave.  Yes, I still haven’t forgiven Lucas for the loss in Denver.

Brian Scalabrine – Jack Kelly
Charlie’s uncle is extremely creepy, and what is creepier than a seven-foot tall ginger playing in the NBA?  Every time they are on the screen, you know you shouldn’t be watching it, but you can’t help but be intrigued.  Charlie’s uncle creeps out Charlie, and I can’t think of anyone who isn’t terrified when Scalabrine is on the court.   It doesn’t take much to imagine either of these two haunting your nightmares.

And that wraps up the series of how the Chicago Bulls are just like characters from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I really wish the Bulls had a bigger roster, because I would have really liked to work in the McPoyle's, Artemis, and the old lady who played Dennis's Grandma and played piano for The Nightman Cometh.  Maybe next year.


P.P.S.  This video is awesome.  Brire Gill is such a douche.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part Two

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Thibodeau's defensive calls, Korver knocking down threes, and Asik's dunks, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present Part Two.

Coach Thibodeau – Dee Reynolds – Although Dee isn’t anyone’s favorite character, she is still vital to the overall success.  As Vinny Del Negro showed, you can have a lot of talent, but you need a coach to actually put it all together.  Dee makes us laugh with her pregnancy and failures in life.  Thibodeau makes the Bulls better with defense and an actual game plan.  He’ll never win a game, and Dee will never carry an episode, but they are still vital to their team’s overall success.

Dee struggles with men, just like Thibodeau struggles to find a good shooting guard.  Just like Dee’s taste in men, all of these shooting guards have their charm, but they also have fatal flaws.

Keith Bogans – The Korean Busboy – The Korean Busboy has no discernible qualities, as he is an unattractive, chain-smoking, cocaine sniffing busboy.  Bogans also has no discernible qualities as he is a slow with no shot and plays only marginal defense.  The Korean Busboy used secret information to sleep with Dee.  Bogans must have some information on Thibodeau, because that is the only reason he should be starting. 

Kyle Korver – Matthew Mara – Rickety Cricket is the only side character who can truly take over an episode with his presence.  And just like Cricket, Korver is the only shooting guard who can take over when he's hot from the outside.  Much like Cricket is not on all the episodes, Korver is not always bringing his A game, but when he is on, you know it’s going to be entertaining.  Also, they both come from humble backgrounds as Cricket was a priest, and Korver played at Creighton, and then in Utah, the land of Mormons.  The similarities really become uncanny when you realize that Korver plays defense like he needs crutches.

Ronnie Brewer – Ben Smith (Soldier of Fortune) – Nothing stands out, but he’s just really likeable, and maybe it’s easy to like a guy when compared to the ones with fatal flaws, but you still like him.  Brewer may not have any great attributes, but he’s a guy who can contribute in any facet of the game.  He doesn’t shoot lights out, but he can shoot.  He plays solid defense, but he’s not great.  The same is true for Ben as he likes jean shorts, pro wrestling, and like most guys, gets tricked into sex when someone calls him a jerk or a turkey.  Both are solid dudes.

Even though Asik is not a shooting guard, we'll end with a comparison of one more of Dee's former lovers.
Omer Asik – Bill Ponderosa – He looked like just another guy on the show, as he was a whiny little bitch at first.  But he showed his true breakout potential by cheating on his wife with multiple women, going into sex addiction rehab, doing cocaine, and lying to women by telling them he had a vasectomy so he wouldn’t have to wear a condom.  That’s great work.  Asik looked like just another big, awkward, foreign white guy.
But if you overlook the fact that he hacks people like there is no limit on fouls, he’s a solid big man off the bench.  Do I want him starting?  No (with Noah out, change that answer to yes), but he’s fun to watch, he rebounds, blocks shots, and is competent enough for the occasional putback.  Bill Ponderosa and Omer Asik show that you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

That's all for Part Two, expect me to get very obscure when I finish up with Part Three tomorrow.


P.S.  I meant to attach this earlier, but it's for anybody who's in a business where they receive stupid complaints from customers.  The Cleveland Browns absolutely owned this dude.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part One

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Derrick Rose making a few jaw-dropping plays every game, Joakim Noah hustling all over the floor, and Boozer crashing the boards for putbacks, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present part one.

Derrick Rose – Dennis Reynolds – I’ll admit that this was the toughest one to assign, because Rose is so much more awesome than anybody else out there that it’s tough to find the right counterpart on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Still, I focused on the leap that Derrick Rose has made this season.  Dennis began his leap late in the season last year with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, followed by “implications” made in the boat episode, and had a catch with Chase Utley while advising us to just say yes.  Dennis has made the leap, and so has Derrick Rose as he has gone from “wow, that guy knows how to play basketball” awesome, to “you don’t change the channel when the Bulls are playing” awesome.    Seriously, if you haven’t watched much NBA this season, watch the Bulls as he is guaranteed to make at least two jaw-dropping plays during any game.
Joakim Noah – Charlie Kelly – This is a matter of anybody who watches them a lot loves every second that they appear on their television screen.  Much the way that outsiders think It’s Always Sunny is stupid if they only tune in for five minutes, fans of other NBA teams hate Noah.  Both of these types of people are morons.  Sure, both of these guys are out of their god-damned minds, but they do it in such a loveable way.  Plus, these are two guys that are willing to do the dirty work as Noah gets boards and plays tough defense while Charlie smashes rats and looks for treasure in the sewer.

Taj Gibson – Frank Reynolds – When everyone’s healthy, Taj is not a starter, just like Frank did not start off in the show until Season Two.  Although, he’s not one of the main four people, Frank’s impact is immeasurable, and I feel the same way about Taj.  Let’s face it, shooting guard is not a strength for this team, so Taj is definitely our fifth most valuable player.  Although, neither of these two have classic good looks, I smile when I see Taj smile, and I smile when I see Frank crawling out of a leather couch naked.   
And just like Frank helps Charlie with dirty work, Taj does the same thing for Noah.

Carlos Boozer – Mac – These two are both necessities for the success of their team.  They’re both versatile as Boozer can score from inside, but can also nail a jumper, while Mac can be funny with his physical humor and his wit.  Because of Rose’s presence, Boozer never gets top billing, but he’s also crucial nearly every night like Mac is crucial in every episode.  Rarely will you say that Mac totally owned an episode on his own, but it is rare when you won’t say that Mac and Charlie or Mac and Dennis, etc. were awesome in the episode.  If you team him with the right people, he is somebody who can dominate, but he will always have an impact, much like Mac does something important in every episode. 

Luol Deng – The Lawyer – These are two guys where you thought you would hate them, but the more you see them, the more you enjoy their presence.  The Lawyer has great versatility as he knows when to keep his cool, when to explode with anger, and also when to accept a challenge to a duel.  The same is true for Deng, as he has a decent jumper, plays good defense, and is always a solid contributor.  All the lawyer does is screw over the gang, but you still love him.  And let’s face it, everyone has wanted Deng in about 35 different trades over the last three years.  When you actually watch him though, he may not jump off the screen, but he’s essential to the greater good of the team like the lawyer is essential for the greater good of society.

That's all for part one; I'll be back tomorrow with more Bulls talk.

P.S.  I know this has been all over the Internet, but I still don't understand how a beer can fill up from the bottom.

Monday, December 27, 2010

How To Piss Your Girl Off

Today I tackle a topic that I know nothing about, because even in my screw-ups, girls find my actions cute and charming.  Pissing off girls is not my forte, so I have enlisted the help of Twitter to find out what others have done to piss their girl off.  Sadly, these are real people who really wrote these tweets.!/INAREALWAY/status/18100154720587776
I feel like this guy didn’t quite get the point of this exercise.  This wouldn’t just piss a girlfriend off, this would piss anyone off.  He’s missing the essence of what the topic is trying to convey.  Other things that INAREALWAY thought about:
1.  Break every window at her house.
2.  Kill her family.
3.  Rape her dog.
Good try Inarealway.  Close, but no cigar.

#howtopissyourgirloff "when she call i dont asnwer i just write her back...she hate it when i do that shiiitt!"
NOVA gets it.  She really does hate it when he does that shiiitt.  It’s partly because it comes across as him not caring as much as she does, but it’s more about the fact that he makes every other wooorrd incredibly looongg making it reeeealllllly haaaarrd to understand.  That would drive me crazy too.

iHateDanaMattox Dana Nicole Mattox
#HowToPissYourGirlOff eat her the whole box of fruity pebbles.....yeah this nigga must wanna die !
This is a great example of why you need to read the entire tweet.  If this did not have the words “of fruity pebbles,” this would mean something very different and probably shouldn’t be something that pisses a girlfriend off.  Still, I think Dana Mattox has some big time issues.  The most obvious issue is that her Twitter name is hating herself, which definitely worries me, because I care about everyone on Twitter.  She must learn to love herself before she can love others.  I know it irritates you Dana Nicole Mattox, but someone finishing your fruity pebbles is not a reason to murder that person.  Give peace a chance.

tree_bro Hello
#howtopissyourgirloff drink tea all day, place your girl on a cliff & literally piss on her til she falls off
When I first read this, my initial thought that this is actually too stupid of a tweet to actually post on my blog.  Then I looked at it more, and I felt like this stupidity needed to be shared with the world.  This man’s plan is to drink tea all day, then take his girlfriend to a cliff, have her stand on the edge of the cliff, and LITERALLY piss her off a cliff.  Although, I understand he was trying to be funny (and failing), let's break this idea down.

Personally, any girl that I know would probably get suspicious by the time that I insisted they stand on the edge of a cliff.  If that didn’t tip them off, I would assume that me standing near them and unzipping my pants would almost definitely make them question my intentions.  If I somehow made it past this point (I’m not saying I wouldn’t date a girl this stupid, I’m just saying I haven’t), no girl would allow me to piss on her until eventually my stream became so powerful that it pushed her off a cliff.  Here is the picture that tree_bro has provided for us.

As you can see, he appears to be at least mildly retarded.  Realizing this, there is a good chance that the only girlfriends he’s had are either paraplegics or pet rocks.  I guess in this case, his plan may actually work.

kmtwinz 1of2
#howtopissyourgirloff if she ever ask u do she have some good pussy u say I had better
Black people have cooler conversations than I have.  Here’s a typical conversation from my world.

Me:  Well, that was fun.
Her:  You were amazing.
Me:  Yep, that’s a fact.
Her:  How was I?
Me:  You were…there. 

But black people take things to a whole different, way more awesome, level.  This is what my conversation would sound like if I had any coolness (blackness) in me:

Me:  That was off the chain.
Her:  You were the shit.
Me:  Fo shizzle.
Her:  Do I have some good pussy?
Me:  Some.

That would be awesome.


P.S.  I hope somebody reminds me to watch this video every Christmas, because there will never be a time where this doesn't bring me joy.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura is Awesome

Flipping through channels can be one of the most depressing endeavors a human has to undertake.  Sometimes, you will find yourself searching fruitlessly for anything that has a semblance of entertainment value.  To speed up the process, you will skip certain channels as you know they never have anything even halfway decent on.  This used to be the way I treated TruTV.  It seemed like they had somehow made a channel out of "World's Most Shocking" Police Chases, Animal Attacks, Bungee Jumps, etc.  That is not something that will ever make me stop the surfing for more than 30 seconds.  But I was flipping through one day, and I saw something that surprised me.  It was former governor, Navy SEAL, and professional wrestler, Jesse "The Body" Ventura.  Yes, he tried to be known as "The Mind" later on, but after watching Conspiracy Theory, you will know that he did not earn that name.

The premise of this show is that Jesse Ventura investigates a conspiracy theory (hence the title of the show).  By himself, Jesse probably wouldn't have the abilities to expose these problems with the government, but he assembled a team that gives him the edge that he needs.  The government underestimated Ventura's ability to create an All-Star team of helpers, and that will be their fatal mistake.  My favorite member of his team is a black woman with an accent whose sole purpose is to use Google Maps.  She helps them track anything the government might be hiding.

The key to this show is not his team though, it's definitely Ventura, and the fact that he believes EVERYTHING he hears.  The other great thing is that he also believes everything that he doesn't hear.  Here is a conversation you could expect to hear on Conspiracy Theory:

Random Guy:  And that's why I have worries about our government.
Jesse Ventura:  So the government is trying to kill us?
Random Guy:  I didn't say that.
Jesse Ventura:  You didn't have to.

This is when he breaks into a narration telling you how the fat cats in Washington want to make as much money as possible from special interest groups while your children die.  But Jesse doesn't want to let that happen.

When Jesse speaks with people, he speaks with the most indecisive people on the planet when they say that there is nothing to be afraid of.  How could anyone trust these indecisive scumbags?  Jesse Ventura sure as hell doesn't.  He then talks to well-dressed, confident people who believe in the conspiracy.  Jesse believes every word they tell him, because they are confident.  The only problem with this is that these people are batshit crazy.  That doesn't concern Jesse, because he already knows the government is trying to fuck him in every imaginable way.

The other brilliant thing that happens in every episode is that there are official looking people trying to stop him.  It'll either be people in suits telling him he needs to leave or police officers making sure he doesn't find the truth.  At least that's what he would want you to believe.  In the "Coming Up on Conspiracy Theory" montages that they show before going to commercials, they showed police officers surrounding Jesse Ventura in the Denver airport multiple times.  When they finally got to the scene, they reasonably just told him that his conspiracy was crazy talk, and then probably asked for autographs and took pictures with him on their camera phone.

But Jesse knows that things are never that simple.  Were those regular cameras on the phones, or were these police officers trying to take a picture of Jesse's soul?

Find out on the next episode of Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.


P.S.  You can find the episodes on least until the government finds out about it.

P.P.S.  Here's a video of Danny Woodhead trying to sell Danny Woodhead jerseys:

Friday, December 17, 2010

Jose Canseco Makes Hits On and Off the Field

I'm going to try to keep this post short, because unless you share my unhealthy obsession with Jose Canseco, these updates may be a little too much for you.  Still, Jose has been dropping bombs (and hitting bombs), so let's get to it.

JoseCanseco Tomorrow I am going to put up a video of me hitting off of an iron mike throwing around 94 miles per hour,so sandy alderson can see
For those who are unaware, Sandy Alderson is the General Manager of the New York Mets.  He was also the General Manager of the Oakland Athletics when Jose was tearing it up with big power and big speed back in the late 80s and early 90s.  Jose feels like the two are really close friends.  I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Sandy Alderson isn't going to be returning Jose's phone calls anytime soon.  But that's okay.  It's his loss as I discussed a few days ago.  Besides, Jose has made many claims in the past, but he's never given us video evidence of it...until now.

Boom bitches.  If Stephen Strasburg thought that Tommy John surgery hurt, imagine how bad it's going to feel when Jose takes him deep in his first start back.  If pitchers expect to fire the heat past Jose, they've got another thing coming.  Still, even Jose knows that baseball is out to ruin his life for exposing steroids users and saving the game, so he does have a backup plan in case no major league team picks him up.

JoseCanseco I am looking for active or x major leaguers to be in a comedy movie acting as themselves,if interested email me at.
Yes...Yes...YES!  Some people get excited about movies like Avatar, Harry Potter, or Mean Girls (I'll admit, I saw it opening night), but this movie is my wet dream.  A comedy where Jose Canseco and other baseball players carry it with their acting chops and comedic timing.  Sign me up!  Jose, I'm not sure where you are at with this project, but if this is just an idea, and you need somebody to write a script; it would be an honor to help you out.  I'll do the work pro bono as it is definitely for the greater good of society. Jose, if we work together, I promise that we will make Schindler's List look like Scarecrow Gone Wild.


P.S.  If anybody's looking for a West Coast Dance move to try this weekend, here's Too Cold Scorpio showing you how to Step.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Want to Win Your Fantasy Baseball League? Draft Jose Canseco

I have mentioned this about 600,000 times on the blog, but let me repeat it, I love Jose Canseco.  The great news is that there are going to be a lot more people who love him when he helps them win your fantasy baseball league in 2011. 

JoseCanseco I can dh for any major league team and lead the league in home runs,just give me the chance
BOOM, bitches.  Move over Jose Bautista, because there is going to be a new player coming out of nowhere and leading the league in home runs the same year that he turns 47.  For people not keeping up on Jose Canseco's Twitter account, they won't even have them on their draft board.  And yes, we're going to ignore that he said that he can DH for any major league team when only 14 teams actually have a DH.

JoseCanseco I believe in myself and I believe in you to
Aren't you tired of these millionaire ballplayers who couldn't give two shits about your fantasy team.  Well, Jose isn't one of those assholes.  He not only believes in himself, but he believes in you too.  At this point, I'm guessing everybody reading this is all in on drafting Jose Canseco, but for those skeptics who think a guy in his mid-40s who hasn't played pro baseball in a decade can't lead the league in home runs, Jose's about to drop a bomb on you.

JoseCanseco I was laughed at when I said I would do the 40^40
Keep laughing haters, because when you laugh, Jose smashes expectations.  He claims to be in the best shape of his life, so does that mean a 50^50 season is a possibility?   I wouldn't say that's a possibility; I'd say it's likely, and I wouldn't count out a 60^60. 

JoseCanseco I will show everyone that steroids are completely overrated once I get the chance to play aqgain.all I need is the chance
This is one thing that worries me about Jose.  His brain cannot comprehend patterns.  He is the kind of person who puts his hand on the stove and gets pissed that it burned him.  Yet, he doesn't learn from this mistake, he just keeps putting his hand down on it and burning the shit out of his hand.  The same thing happens when he says something positive about his life.  The haters give all the credit for his career to steroids, and then he gets pissed about haters hating.  I think the next 65 tweets were talking about haters hating, how he would rise above, steroids don't help, MLB hates him, boom smash. 

JoseCanseco If a team would give me the chance I would not let them is my life,I miss the game its part of me,its my addiction
JoseCanseco I dream about playing almost every night.when I wake up and realize I am not anymore that's when the nightmare begins
Jose is pleading to nobody in particular, but he's still just pleading for a chance.  He is hoping that MLB has some Twitter scouts looking for ex-ballplayers trying to make a comeback.  Although I doubt that is a position, I think it might be my dream job.  Also, he talks about waking up and that's when his nightmare begins, I wonder if he really meant that this is when the hunger begins.

JoseCanseco I am and will always be just simply a basball player,my tomb stone will just say. Baseball.
I really think Jose should reconsider this decision. 
I'd hope he'd at least put his name on there, because this tombstone is kind of a downer.  I'd much prefer to see this one.
That's much better, as it encompasses all of his greatness.  If you want some greatness on your fantasy team, draft Jose Canseco.  All he needs is a chance.


P.S.  I really enjoy Cash Cab, so this news kind of bummed me out.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Chicago Bears: America's Team

There are a lot of ridiculous terms and sayings in sports, at least 94% of those deal with Brett Favre.  "He just loves to play the game."  "He's a gunslinger."  "When you see Brett Favre, you think of two things, Crocs and Cocks."  As ridiculous as those are, the most ridiculous term I hear used constantly has to be "America's Team."  Somehow, in baseball, it's the New York Yankees, in football, it's the Dallas Cowboys, and in basketball, it's, um...the Toronto Raptors?  But do any of these teams really represent America?  Let's investigate:

New York Yankees - Rich Assholes
Dallas Cowboys - Rich Assholes
Toronto Raptors - Even worse, Canadians

How in the hell do these teams come close to representing America?  They don't.  But I do know of one team that represents America, and that team is the Chicago Bears.  The combination of the team, the front office, and the fans all work together to create a true slice of Americana.  Let's break it down.

1.  They suck - The United States has become a country of the haves and have nots.  I'm pretty sure 1% of the population has 90% of the wealth.  Then there's a shrinking middle class, and then there is us regular folk.  We don't have the three vacation homes, yachts to travel across the ocean, or ice makers built into our refrigerators.  The Bears are the same way.  They aren't the 1% that is doing great every year.  They lose...a lot.  But they don't need fancy things like wins, because of reason number two.

2.  Blind optimism -They have a loyal fan base that thinks every move they make is absolutely brilliant.  It is amazing that everyone can go into the offseason knowing that offensive line is their biggest weakness.  When the Bears do nothing to address that position, but instead address wants instead of needs, all their fans reply, "Our offensive line may suck, but we're going to be AWESOME everywhere else."  The Bears can do no wrong.  When the Bears got Jay Cutler, I thought, "Wow, they are completely screwed."  All of my friends thought, "Wow, we just go a QB with Kurt Warner's accuracy, Peyton Manning's smarts, Joe Montana's clutchness, and Fabio's good looks."  To be fair to Bears fans, they may have got confused with the other Jay Cutler on the last one:
But this blind optimism of their fanbase also represents America.  Every human being on the planet thinks they are going to be rich and/or famous.  It's the reason that people's cleaning ladies bought three houses without thinking that maybe that wasn't such a great idea.  It's the reason that people continue to buy lottery tickets when the odds of success are so unfathomably low that people might be better using that money as toilet paper.  It's probably the reason I'm unemployed, but hey, I never said that blind optimism isn't a great time.  This is America; this is the Chicago Bears.

3.  Clinging to the past - You can talk to any random stranger, ask them about the best thing that happened to them, and watch them light up as they tell you their story.  The amazing thing is that no matter how big or small the accomplishment was, the person gets the same joy out of reliving it.  It doesn't matter if you ran for a touchdown in a junior high football game or won Super Bowl MVP, that moment will always be yours, and it'll always make you feel awesome.  We romanticize the past and talk about it like it was just yesterday.  It's human nature and no team better exemplifies that than the Chicago Bears.  The Bears last won the Super Bowl in 1985.  I was barely alive back then (I was a worthless baby at the time), yet I know more about that season than any season that has come since then.  Most have zero memories of actually watching that team, yet would still come to blows with you if you said any team was better than the 1985 Bears.  This was 25 years ago, but people act like it was yesterday.  This is only going to get worse.  In 1000 years, when linebackers are seven feet tall, and weigh 400 pounds of pure muscle, the Bears defense of 3010 will still get compared to the 1985 Bears.  The sadder thing is that the Bears still may not have won another title since then, but hey, nobody will ever be able to take 1985 away from us.

4.  Jay Cutler - Ricky Stanzi may love America, but Jay Cutler is America.  He's the best of America, and hte worst of America.  Look at Jay Cutler:
 What a goofy looking bastard, yet this is who Jay Cutler is dating:
Good God.  We've all walked down the street, seen a great looking girl with some ugly douchebag, and wondered how in the hell they were together.  Well Jay Cutler is the epitome of that douchebag.  He's the American Dream.  But he's also the worst of America.  Jay Cutler has a great arm, yet there is no way he'll ever win a Super Bowl.  Why?  Laziness.  In yesterday's Bears game against the Patriots that was played in the snow, Phil Simms actually said something interesting (yes, it shocked me too).  He talked about how Tom Brady meticulously rubbed down his balls to make sure that he'd have a good grip on them so their passing game did not suffer.  Jay Cutler was not as meticulous.  In fact, he didn't rub the balls down at all.  He told Simms, and this is no joke, that it took too much effort to rub them down so it wasn't worth it.  Too much effort?

This is a great example of the American people.  Everybody wants success, but nobody wants to put the work in to achieve it.  When things get tough, it's easy to give up, and Jay Cutler totally believes in this strategy.  People don't want to do the little things that lead a select few to great success.  Neither does Jay Cutler.  He is getting paid millions and millions of dollars to succeed at football, and rubbing a ball down so it isn't slick is too much effort?  Jay Cutler must be playing a joke on all of us.  He wasn't; he fumbled the next play.

Only in America.


P.S.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I love Derrick Rose.

And if you want to be more like Derrick Rose, you can now take the supplements of the best player in the NBA.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Football Thoughts

Before we get into the analysis, let's look at an amusing anecdote from former BYU standout and Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.  When McMahon’s high school teacher told him he would have to study the book of Mormon while at BYU, he replied, “That’s all right. I like fiction.”  Mormonism, you just got owned...30 years ago.

I guess we should start with the guy that everybody is talking about, Auburn Quarterback, Cam Newton.  The first thing that I noticed about Newton is an excellent ability to place his deep ball.  Kellen Moore and him both throw really accurate deep balls, but Newton's arm strength means that his gets there a little quicker which will be very advantageous when safeties are playing deep and trying to come over the top on the deep route.

Newton also has good pocket awareness.  He has a good feel for the rush, and that is the first thing that makes him so elusive for would-be tacklers.  Now, he’s not lightning quick about scanning the field, but with his athleticism, he can create more time for himself, and I do think that this skill will translate to the next level.  It is a little ridiculous watching guys try and tackle him, because they literally just slip right off of him.  If I was Oregon, I'd ask the refs to check his jersey for vaseline.  It's unnatural how easy it is for him to slip tackles.

For my complaints, the first one would be the passes he throws.  He only throws two balls, a deep ball and a dumpoff.  It's effective, but it is something to be concerned about.  I was paying attention to the game to see how well he threw crossing routes, and I don't think he threw one the entire game.  I understand this decision by the coaching staff. It’s much easier to read the sidelines, and he’s been effective doing it. There’s no reason to say that he can’t read zoning linebackers and complete routes over the middle; he just hasn’t done it yet.

With any quarterback not named Andrew Luck, there are going to be question marks about how things will translate to the next level.  Cam Newton has those like everybody else, but there's a lot to work with there, and right now, I'd probably rank him as the second best draft-eligible quarterback ahead of Arkansas's Ryan Mallett.  Also, with the uncertainty of the NFL Labor Agreement, I think Andrew Luck returns to Stanford next year, which gives Newton a great shot at being the first quarterback taken.

I’m not sold on LaMichael James, obviously has great speed and acceleration, but the holes are there for him without him having to create much.  That Oregon offensive line is extremely underrated in my opinion, and as much as the pace of the offense helps, everything starts with that offensive line.  He's ideal for the Oregon offensive attack, because he can get to holes quickly, and they run a lot of stretch and sweep plays to the outside which is a good run for a back like James.  Still, I have trouble imagining him as an impact back at the next level.

I was much more impressed with the running back on the other team in the Oregon-Oregon State game.  Jacquizz Rodgers is a nice back. He's not as fast as James, but he's very quick.  The thing that impressed me the most was his power in the running game.  He does a good job of keeping his legs driving which makes him a lot more effective between the tackles. 

Mikel Leshoure and Mark Ingram are the two best backs in this draft class. Leshoure has great acceleration and really explodes through holes. I hate to break it to Illinois fans, but he’s the reason Scheelhaase has been passable this year at QB. Without defenses having to completely gameplan to stop Leshoure, Illinois offense is really going to struggle.  Right now, I would lean towards putting Leshoure as my top back ahead of Ingram, but that could change with their teams' respective bowl games.

Switching over to wide receivers, let's look at South Carolina's Alshon Jeffery.  He's a big guy who always uses his body really well to screen away the defender. I absolutely love the way that he attacks the ball and plucks it out of the air with his hands.  He does an awesome job of snatching the ball out of the air as opposed to letting it come to him.

Another wide receiver I have watched quite a bit of is Iowa's Derrell Johnson-Koulianos.  I saw him as a fourth or fifth round pick, as I think he has all the qualities to be an excellent slot receiver.  He runs crisp routes and ran a wide variety of those routes in Iowa's pro-style offense.  Getting caught with marijuana in his system, he may have been able to slip by.  Getting caught with cocaine in his system means that he's probably not going to get drafted.  Getting charged with having a drug house means it's going to be tough for him to get a camp invite.  This was shocking news to anyone who followed him at Iowa, but to take the optimistic view on things, I believe he was the first athlete in the history of mankind to admit to everything right away which does show character.  As an Iowa fan, I hope he gets his troubles (both legal and personal) cleared up and some team gives him a second chance, because he does have the skillset necessary to succeed at the next level.

Finally, a question.  What says college football tailgating more than a drunk grandma getting her groove on?  Answer:  Nothing.  (Warning:  This may be the loudest video on YouTube)


P.S. If you haven't seen videos from EpicMealTime yet, well, you haven't seen how to properly cook yet. I will marry the first woman who makes me this for breakfast.

I'll then get it annulled, because I'll be drunk off pancakes.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Jose Canseco Might Be A Cannibal

Let's face it, Jose Canseco hasn't had the easiest time lately.  He went from the penthouse to the garage and they stole his chandeliers.  Still, not all has been bad in Jose's life.  He hit some home runs in Independent baseball, made it on the apprentice, and has a girlfriend and dog, so those are always nice.  I felt like Jose was really turning things around, but unfortunately things may be worse than you can possibly imagine.  Twitter has been his way of crying out for help, and this is no exception, let's break it down.

JoseCanseco I am at the gym trying to stay in shape .just rememger life starts at forty.big hugs for all you guys even the ones that don't like me
This seems like a fairly nice tweet about not getting down about stuff, and he seems to be taking a positive look at life.  As you probably already know, nothing is ever that simple when it comes to Jose Canseco.

JoseCanseco I love my gilfried leila she is the best,and she's yummy
Why Jose?  Why?  Why would you eat your girlfriend?  I don't care if she tastes better than a porterhouse steak, you can't go around eating people.  And that previous text, "life starts at forty"?  Oh, I get it. It's like the classic abortion argument of when does life start?  3 months?  6 months?  Jose says 40 years.  40 YEARS.  He's aborting humans and savoring the delicious results. 

JoseCanseco Only one more puppy left for sale looking for a great home
At least Jose is reserving his savagery for humans as he is willing to sell his last puppy before he is tempted to taste its delicious puppy meat.

JoseCanseco Anyone want to buy a jose canseco game used baseball bat ,I have 2 of them ,make an offer
Oh, God damnit.  Jose wasn't selling that puppy to save it.  If you're a consistent reader of this blog, you'll remember that Jose was selling two puppies but accompanied it with a picture of three puppies.  I said I was curious what happened to the third puppy; he was turned into puppy sirloin.  Fortunately for the other two, the taste didn't satisfy the hunger of the beast.  Now he's selling everything he can so he can purchase a Russian mail-order bride to feed his hunger.  Do NOT buy those baseball bats.

JoseCanseco Sorry I have already sold them thank you
God damnit.  At least, he should only be able to afford one bride and then he won't have the money to keep up his habit.  That's the one great thing about cannibalism; there's no easy way to get people to come to you.

JoseCanseco Next item up for ouction spend a day with jose. Who's gonna start the bidding
Fuuuuuuuck.  He's not only found a way to make his victims come to him, but he's making money off of it so he can purchase more humans off the black market.  Jose, eating humans is not cool.  I'm not sure if you're even one of my heroes anymore.

Ah, who am I kidding?  His business model is brilliant, it appears he's done eating puppies, and as long as he doesn't eat me, we're cool.  Jose, you're still the man.


P.S.  Here is indisputable evidence that a quarter of all Lakers fans are in fact, retarded.

P.P.S.  Furries and GSP teaming together equals brilliance:

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

West Coast Dance Off: Ryan Zimmerman vs. Alex Ovechkin

West Coast Dance is sweeping the nation.  Obviously, this isn't surprising to anyone as West Coast Dance has brought all of the best in different dance disciplines to create the ultimate style of dance.  The pioneers of West Coast Dance promised that it would be a phenomenon, and they were not lying as I have seen many videos of regular people and celebrities alike giving it their best go at West Coast Dance.

Because of this, I felt it was time to introduce a grading scale to differentiate between the weak wannabes and the true innovators of WCD.  All dancers will be judged on the following criteria:
West Coastness - This is the toughest to define, as it is based a lot on intangibles that only the trained eye can really see.  Normal people won't be able to tell the difference between the West Coast of one dance as compared to another, but that's why I'm here to guide you along.
Comedy - If you're trying to get serious acclaim for your dancing, then it ain't West Coast Dance.
Dance - Sure, anybody can be goofy on the dance floor, but you still need to have legit moves to rank highly among the best West Coast Dancers.

In the end, I will be giving a final grade of 1-10 penguins, as The Penguin was one of the earliest dance moves to help shape the future of West Coast Dance.

Today, we have a surprising battle of East Coasters, as both are proud to make their living in Washington DC.  It will be Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals vs. the Russian-born Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.  First, let's check out what Zimmerman brings to the table (and feel free to stop the video when Zimmerman is done, because I don't care about those other assclowns).

West Coastness - I have to give a lot of credit to Zimmerman as he does an excellent job of showing what West Coast is all about with his moves.  Obviously, everyone is going to love when he breaks it down, but the key to the West Coastness is the beginning.  He starts off with some proper ballroom dancing, and just when you think that he's going to zig and stick with that, he zags and busts a move.  The element of surprise is an excellent way to show the West Coastness of his dance.

Comedy - Facial expressions are the key to his comedy, as when he hears the bumping beats, you can see the change from proper gentleman to Dirty Dancer.  Although the lady is usually the one shaking her butt on the gentleman, Zimmerman uses gender reversal to create a good chuckle for the entire crowd.

Dance - The moves were solid, but not fantastic.  He had a critical error when he was doing the ballroom dancing before the dip.  Still, he made up for it by really getting into his ass grind and following up with a classic West Coast Dance maneuver with the double first-pump front grind.

Now let's move onto a compilation of Alex Ovechkin's dance moves:

West Coastness - The man doesn't stop dancing; that is what you have to love.  He signs autographs...and dances.  He talks on his cell phone...and dances.  Hell, he even DJ's at a club...and dances.  A true West Coaster will not let anything stop him from getting his groove on, and Alex Ovechkin clearly realizes this as even when he's sticking with classic moves, he keeps his body moving which is essential for the West Coastness of a Dancer.

Comedy - The loose arm move is always fun, because there is a total lack of caring with it.  It makes everybody around him have a great time. He also does a great job of using his profession in his moves.  He pulls his own shirt over his head, blinding himself yet keeps the dance moves coming.  Also, I'm pretty sure that he's at a club that had never seen dancing before, yet he has the entire club getting their groove on, because of how much fun he is having.

Dance - I really like that when he's in the DJ Booth, he starts with a classic raising of the roof, but he isn't afraid to stray away from a classic and start windmilling the arms a little bit.  He's willing to take chances which will always get him respect within the WCD community.  The best move in here is very early with the autograph signing.  Yes, he was signing an actual autograph, but it is a money move regardless. 

Ryan Zimmerman's Overall Score - Zimmeman did a great job with West Coastness, had some solid comedy, but struggled a little bit with the Dance part.  Still, it was a very good performance, so his score is...

Alex Ovechkin's Overall Score - Overchkin did a very good job with West Coatness as well.  His comedy was very solid, but he really brought it with the innovative dance moves.  His overall score is...

This was a great first matchup, and I give respect to both men.  Still, a hearty congratulations is in order for Alex Ovechkin, a man who comes from the far east, yet has adapted to our culture to become a true West Coast Dancer.


P.S.  We'll make it a video heavy day at the blog, as here's a little girl trying to sing about some West Coast Dancing:

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Never Trust Old People

Never trust an old person.  I know that they say old people have wisdom, and that's all well and good, but if you need actual real world advice, they will completely screw you over.  I found this out the hard way over the weekend.

On Saturday morning, I woke up early, so I could go for a run and make it back home before football started at 11. I got on the road between 8:30-8:45 (I'm never totally sure of the time because I have a routine of pooping and stretching before I get my jog on).  The beauty of a good run is I can totally get in a zone where I pretty much black out and my brain completely shuts down. I was jamming out to some Metallica, and I probably would have worn out Steve Prefontaine at the pace I was going.

I headed down the road, then hit up the bike trail and just kind of kept going because I was in my zone. After a while on the trail, my brain, working at about 5% efficiency thought that the trail curved up to the road; it didn’t, but I didn’t notice until I had already turned so I decided to just go that way.  This would turn out to be a critical mistake.

I thought that this was going to turn out well, because the road actually curved back to my home so I felt that this was actually going to work out. I took a left, figuring that this road would run into at least one of the roads that crosses over near my house. This was mistake number two.

This road is a major road that somehow crosses no other major road, but I keep going, and going...and going down this road. Finally, I see a bike trail. Even though it makes no sense that it was the bike trail I was on, I decide that this was probably the bike trail that I was on. I do notice that the numbers on this bike trail are in the 400s, and the bike trail I originally was on had numbers in the 300s. Since I am an eternal optimist, this is the first time that I am positive that I am lost.

I see an old lady walking her dog on the sidewalk. and I figure this is a great opportunity to get pointed in the right direction.  I ask her for directions to the Hy-Vee on Mills Civic, since I live right by there. She tells me that there’s Hy-Vee’s closer so I should go to them. I explain to her that I really need to go to the one that I suggested. She tells me I was going the total wrong way and points me towards where I need to go. I thank her and am on my way.

I see streets in the 50s and get excited, because I live on 50th, so that means I must be close, right? I keep trying to take 50th, but it ends every three blocks, so I keep zig-zagging to nearby streets to stay close to 50th. This plan probably could have worked had I been in West Des Moines. I wasn't.  I see the Interstate and get excited, because I know I can’t be too far away. I run across it thinking that it shouldn’t be too long until I’m back home, so I keep running.

I run by a giant cemetery, is this foreshadowing my imminent death? Luckily not. I keep running and I see a street named Franklin which rings a bell with me, so I’m excited. I see a street called Hickman, which I also recognize. This depresses me. I have a buddy who lives one block north of Hickman, and he lives in the heart of Des Moines. Shit.

It turns out that the old lady didn’t give me bad directions; she gave me the worst directions possible. Had I kept just running into the bike trail, I would have run into I-35, all I would have had to do was head north, and I would have been back home in very little time. Instead, she sent me in the total opposite direction.

How bad did it end for me? Well, I never really set a distance for my runs, I go out, run, and turn around when I start feeling like shit.  On a day where I felt great, like I did on Saturday, I probably would have gone 6-8 miles.  Instead, I went somewhere around 22 miles. The first 12 miles were actually really smooth, but I got tired, then depressed when I learned where I was, and I finally turned off Metallica to listen to more soothing sounds. After that, I’d still run occasionally, but it was a lot of walking, especially once my calves felt like they were going to explode from cramping. I ended up being outside, in the bitter cold, while absolutely starving, for a little over four hours. I got home, ate something, got all bundled up in different clothes, covered up, and shivered in my bed for the next 45 minutes until my body finally warmed up. Never trust old people.

And yes, this could have been titled Joe Is An Idiot, but my inner compass was actually working until I listened to that old lady. I would publicly like to retract my thank you to her for the directions. Take that, senior citizens.


P.S.  There's a lot of good advice here, but I especially love "Put the brakes on the mundane, and accelerate into the fast lane."  I'm guessing this is the way that people lived their life a quarter mile at a time before Fast and the Furious came out:

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's The Shit: Three Keys to a Successful Poop

Sorry Michael Jordan and Sam Perkins.  Today, We're Talking About Number Two.
Although I am a very spry 26 years young; I am wise beyond my years.  That is why I know the ins and outs of something that people overlook yet do at least once a day (twice a day for me since I have a healthy amount of fiber in my diet).  Yes, pooping.  It has a lot of gross connotations, but it's something natural, and as you'll find out, if done properly, it can be a beautiful experience.  Here are the keys to turning your experience from shitty to asstastic.

1.  Location -  Now most people would have you believe that going home is clearly the best possible location to take care of your business.  These are obviously simpletons who can't see the big picture.  Does your home have some advantages?  Of course it does, familiarity will always have value when you are feeling vulnerable.  But for those who are bold, that live their life a quarter mile at a time, there is a far better location to drop a deuce.  That place is work.  Think about this:  When you poop during work, you are getting paid to poop.  Paid to poop?  God Bless America.  So sit back, relax, and count that scrilla, because it's always best to take care of your business during business hours.

2.  Amenities - This is a huge mistake that most people make when taking a dump.  They go to the bathroom empty handed.  When I took care of my business at work, I made no secret about it.  I would stroll through the office with a book in my hand and my iPod bumping tunes in my ears as I headed to the private toilet of the visiting coaching staff (yes, Ryne Sandberg and I have used the same shitter).  I was not ashamed of what I was doing, and I knew that amenities can help take your poop to the next level.  Why sit there, drop waste, while your life wastes away when you can seize the day?  I seized it real good.  I would jam out to my favorite tunes and knock out a chapter of whatever book I was reading at the time.  A few years ago, I remember returning home for the first time in months and being ecstatic at my Dad's latest construction project.  He had mounted a TV by the toilet so you'd never have to miss a moment of your favorite show or sporting event while you went to the can.  That's great hustle right there.  So, whatever your vice is, whether it's music, books, or TV, bring it with you when you doodoo.  But I must warn everyone, your ass will occasionally go numb if you sit there too long.  It's a small price to pay when you pimp your poop.

3.  Toilet Paper - Somehow a necessity for number two is often overlooked, but do not underestimate its importance.  Good toilet paper is like oral sex.  Sure, at first, any toilet paper will do, you're just happy to have it there.  But then you use Charmin Ultra, and it is a whole new experience.  You honestly sit there and hope that it never ends, maybe even using techniques to prolong the experience.  After that, well, the rough toilet paper just doesn't do it for you anymore.  You go from appreciating it to loathing it.  When I see that economy sized, thin and rough, sorry excuse for toilet paper, I swallow hard, and yes, I use it, but something that should be pleasant can actually be painful.  It's terrible that something that should feel so right can go so wrong.  So remember, soft and gentle is much better than rough and teethy.

So make sure that your pooping experience is the shit; otherwise, you're just a piece of it.


P.S.  I'm sure some of you nerds were probably out drinking on Saturday night.  Me?  Hell no, I was watching fights, football, and most importantly, the Bulls/Rockets game.  For those that didn't see it, here is the end of regulation from that game:
And yes, the Bulls won in overtime.  Derrick Rose is really good at basketball.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Football Thoughts

Usually this is filled with college football thoughts, but my options were pretty limited since I didn't care about the early games last Saturday, I'm certainly not talking about the Iowa game, and I was drunk for everything after the Iowa game.  Still, there was a good game on last night, I've got some thoughts on the Bears, and a TV show that is about fantasy football.

Vontaze Burfict is a guy that you’ll definitely want to keep an eye on, He can be kind of a bonehead sometimes, but the ability is there. He’s just a sophomore and the guy absolutely flies all over the field and is constantly around the ball. I’ve only really seen him while paying attention to the QBs on the other side (Luck and Foles), but I like what I see.

A lot of people have been pumping up Nick Foles, and there are a lot of things to like. The issue that I still have with him is if he has to move his feet at all, it seems like his mechanics go to absolute shit, and he just can’t make the throws. As he showed last night (and for the third time this season), he is built to destroy the prevent defense, because if he doesn’t have to deal with pressure, he will make you pay. And yes, his final touchdown pass in regulation was done on the run, but it wasn’t exactly a model of great mechanics.

Bears are not a fun team to watch. It’s not just because they’re not good. The rollout thing which worked awesome early in the season, then the Bears got away from it, now it’s working awesome again is going to get figured out. The Lions are a team that can let their defensive ends contain the outside and let Suh rush up the middle. If me and Schwartz are on the same page, don’t be surprised if the Bears get upset on Sunday.

If Iowa gets selected to the Outback Bowl, it will mean that their losses to Arizona, Northwestern, and Minnesota had no bearing on which bowl they were selected to play in. A 10-2 Hawkeyes team would still be going to the Outback Bowl. Now they could still go to a much lesser bowl game, but it is a little ridiculous that a quarter of Iowa’s season may have had zero impact on the Hawks ultimate destination.

Rob Rang of CBS Sports did not say that Andrew Luck was the best player in the 2010 draft; he did not say that he was the best quarterback he has ever scouted; he said he is the BEST PLAYER he has seen since 2001. At first, I thought it was just hyperbole, but then I started thinking about it, and he might be right. A quarterback is never going to be the physical presence that other positions provide, but Luck’s ability impresses me every time I see him. The reason he doesn’t have a gaudy 7-TD game is because that’s not really Harbaugh’s strategy as a coach. It’s nearly impossible to definitively claim him to be the number one prospect of the last ten years, but I would put him in my top-4 along with AP, Megatron, and Suh. He really is that good.

Finally, we end with my review of The League. I’ve talked to intelligent people who love this show, and the only logical explanation is that the stupidity of this show temporarily beats their brain cells into submission.  Here is something from last night about each character that made absolutely no sense.

Andre – Soy doesn’t even have estrogen. It has an estrogen like substance that is thousands of times weaker than estrogen.

Kevin – The radio guys knew his number, yet still took a call from that number when he had his daughter call. He also never bothered to try and use a cell phone, work phone, or pay phone.

Ruxon – This was definitely the most mind-numbingly retarded thing on this episode.  Instead of explaining to his wife that he was just lying so he could get a fantasy football question answered, he chose to make up a fake wife. If you didn’t watch that and just think to yourself, “Wow, that’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen on TV,” you probably aren’t smart enough to feed yourself.

Pete – Somehow managed to not know what his boss looks like. Despite not working at his company, I was 100% positive that he was the boss of the company.  He also waited until the last possible moment to set his fantasy rosters. Finally, why did he step on the dude’s head when he could have just asked for a boost from the guy’s hands?

Taco – Let me say this: I think Jon Lajoie is hilarious. Unfortunately, the Taco character is absolutely pointless. Nothing he does has anything to do with the prominent plotlines. He just does something weird and quirky that isn’t even all that clever. Outside of athlete guest appearances, Taco may be the worst part of the show.

And yes, I am a glutton for punishment as I will be watching next week's season finale, but I promise that it will be the last episode I watch.


P.S. I was terribly offended that people chanted Scottie Pippen to insult LeBron James. Scottie Pippen was awesome. I could only hope that people would chant Scottie Pippen at me when I blog. It’d pump me up to be one of the 50 best bloggers of all time.

P.P.S.  Awesome night of sports on TV, Bulls vs. Celtics for everybody, and if you're in Iowa, Mediacom Connections is showing the Iowa-Iowa State wrestling meet.  This one has a very good chance of not ending well for Iowa, I'm an idiot and just assumed that Iowa State hadn't plummeted to atrocious levels (they have), but there's still gonna be a lot of good matches either way.

P.P.P.S.  Another thing about the Bulls, everyone knows that I love watching Derrick Rose, but I was very excited to hear that D-Rose also likes watching me.

P.P.P.P.S.  It's really a shame that Ron Santo couldn't make the Hall of Fame while he was alive.  The guy was a deserving candidate both on and off the field.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Had A Dream Where I Could Have Been A Rap Star

Other people's dreams are stupid and pointless.  As the great Dennis Reynolds once said, "It's like photographs, if I'm not in them and nobody's having sex, I really don't care."  I agree with this 100%.  Luckily, other people's dreams are not my dreams.  My dreams are important and interesting.  Here is a deep analysis of a dream I had two nights ago.

It all started when a group of us was going through a Mosque.  My buddy Derb went to the bathroom there, and I saw some shady guys in turbans near the bathroom.  I kept an eye out to make sure he didn’t get attacked. 
I'll admit that at first glance, this makes me look like a racial profiler who is at least slightly racist.  Although I may be racist against white people, I at least have an explanation for this behavior.   I had just got done watching the movie Religulous before bed, so it had me thinking that any religious person was set on kill mode.  I was just proud of myself for not running away like a scared little bitch.

Then I see my brother's dog, Ollie, start running away.  Derb and I chase after him.  We go down a hallway, run down flights of stairs, out through a door into a giant square where I see a guy I used to work with, Shane, juggling bowling pins.  He was terrible.  Like his best attempt at juggling was when he managed to throw all three in the air, but they all landed nowhere near him.  It was brutal.
I think I may feel worst about this part.  I was happy that I chased Ollie, but I completely forgot about the dog when I saw someone juggling.  This either means I have ADD, I'm selfish, or I really love juggling.  I'm guessing number two, but really, Ollie should have been on a leash either way.
With the juggling, my first thought was that this represents my own inability to juggle women.  But I know that's not the case, because LL Hott J, Ladies Love Hott Joe.  It probably just means that I can't juggle.

 I am startled from behind when I hear the voice of a broad who would like to be referred to as Carla (River Bandits Scooch) when she tells me that she thinks her skin problem is spreading.  I turned around to discover that she had streaks of rashes stretching from her forehead down to the bottom of her neck.  Then the next few girls I saw all had different facial skin conditions.  It was disgusting.
Um...hum...yeah, I have no clue what the hell this means.  Is this a sign of my fear of commitment?  I doubt it (but probably).  Is this because I had ringworm recently?  That's dumber than option one.  Or was this just a catalyst to launch what could become a promising rap career?  Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

Then some random guy and me start running/skipping down the street rapping a song called Skin Herpes. We were headed to a party, but we were the party as our music was off the chain.We had awesome background music, and our lyrics were really fucking good.  We freestyled everything and our rhymes were tight.  I killed it in the first verse, but overall, I have to give him props because his lyrics were slightly better than mine.  We actually ran past the band that was supplying our backup music while running on the street.  Then we finally made it to the party, which was good, because my lyrics were running a little dry.
Obviously the first question is what were some of the lyrics that we came up with for our song Skin Herpes.  The only thing that is really clear is that during our hook, we yelled Skin Herpes really loud before using like a five word description of why they suck.  Also, our background music was pretty metal.  Just trust me when I say that everything about it was sweet.  An amazing thing about this is that despite us running/skipping (and I'd be lying if I didn't say I distinctly remember a lot of skipping) down the street, the music never got louder or softer despite the band being in a stationary position.
The thing that really irritated me was the other guy's lyrics were better than mine after the first verse, but clearly, all of the lyrics came from my own head.  Then I got to thinking, what if they didn't come from my head?  What if our dreams had a mind-meld (totally straight), and he actually remembers the lyrics?  So, mind-melding buddy (remember, nothing gay), if you're out there, I'm ready to go platinum.


P.S.  North Texas may not have a good football program, but they will play their best game of the year against their rival every God-damned year.

P.P.S.  In "Our Society Depresses Me" news, GQ had their Men of the Year issue and have a ridiculously long article on The Situation.  In "My Life Is Depressing" news, I read it.  Also, here a video on Safe Sex from The Situation and B.Palin (who is a total grenade) where he beats his nickname to death.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Should Be An Engagement Planner

Since I am such a great guy, I have already told everyone ways to make sure their wedding is the best wedding in wedding history (Also, I am still available for most dates to be your wedding planner).  Today, I have decided to take a step back and show you how to properly take that first step towards marriage with your engagement.  If you follow these steps, not only will you find yourself with a broad beaming with joy, but you'll be sleeping easy as you laugh at all the suckers who didn't take my advice.

1.  No Flowers - As I mentioned in my wedding post, flowers are a waste of cash.  Their shelf life is so short that there is no reason to lighten your wallet just to set the mood.  If you feel like finishing off the romancing at home, use edible decorations.  Instead of having to vacuum up a thousand rose petals, the only cleanup you'll need is wiping your ass when you shit out some chocolate covered strawberries.

2.  Get A Good Meal - This is more for your satisfaction, but you can pass it off like you give a shit that she eats. Although I would not recommend rushing it, if you propose before the meal is served, you can try to pull off a maneuver that is high-risk, high-reward.  It works best on girls that have low self-esteem, so it should work on most girls.  After she says yes to your proposal, tell her that she's looking a little chunky.  She'll definitely lose her appetite, and you know what that means?  Two steaks for you.
Two...Steaks, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.  The risk is that she breaks up with you on the spot, but that's a risk that is probably worth taking.

3.  Get Her Drunk - Say you've got one of those ladies with high self-esteem (sorry brah), the risk of her turning you down is much greater.  As many of you know, people often refer to me as LL Hott J, because Ladies Love Hott Joe.  When girls are trying to get after me, they're always feeding me booze so they can attempt to take advantage of me. I'll admit, the alcohol increases their chances of getting a kiss goodnight, so I'm sure it can only help in the engagement process.  A hidden benefit of getting her good and drunk is that women want to tell their mother and best friend immediately after getting engaged.  If you get her shit-faced, she'll be slurring her words too bad to want to tell people about her engagement.  That means you can skip the stupid calls and get straight to the celebratory love-making.

4.  The Ring - The best part about my engagement plan is the ring.  Why is this the best part?  Because you're not going to get her a ring, you dumbass. Rings are completely useless unless you happen to have a Captain Planet ring.  Assuming that you don't live in Imaginationland, rings are worthless.  If she needs something shiny, get her a roll of aluminum foil, she'll be entertained for days.  But as much as I'd like to, you can't propose with a roll of aluminum foil.

So how do you propose?  You give her a big screen TV.  Although we'd like to believe differently, not all engagements turn into marriages.  Instead of getting stuck with something worthless when things don't work out, how about you get a giant TV instead?  Although this seems completely selfish at first glance, it is not at all, because much like Ladies Love Hott Joe, ladies also love soap operas and Twilight movies, and there's no better way to enjoy those than on a big screen TV. 

Judging from stupid commercials by Jared, women love to tell their best friend about their engagement in ridiculously stupid ways.  I'm assuming this is because rings are lame, so ladies feel it necessary to be lame by making up crossword puzzles to tell their friends.  With an awesome gift, she could invite her friends over, and then she leads them into the living room where she has her new TV showing a monster truck rally.  Her friends would be SOOOO jealous. 

Plus, you can still go through the classic get on your knee and propose, but you give her a box that has a note in it. A sample note should look something like this, “I just bought you a new big screen plasma, that’s right, I’m going to give you the privilege of spending the rest of your life me. You’re welcome.” Tears will then stream down her face as she realizes what a lucky broad she really is.  There is no doubt she'll be thanking you verbally, and as long as you followed all my steps, she'll be thanking you in other ways as well.


P.S. Since everybody is honoring Leslie Nielsen (for good reason), this line is absolutely brilliant:
P.P.S.  Yes, I love Derrick Rose, and you will too after watching this.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm Sorry For Being Racist...Against White People

Obviously, the title is the beginning of my confession.  I can't say that I'm proud of myself for my actions, but it is what it is and I am going to strive to get better.  I always thought of myself as someone who didn't care about color, that someone's actions were more important than their outward appearance.  When it comes to most things, this is the case, but there are certain situations where I just don't trust white people.

It actually all started when I was a kid.  I don't blame my parents as they have never encouraged me to be anything but open minded.  I never wanted to have the same favorite players as my friends and family, so I had to venture outside of the box.  In basketball, everybody loved Jordan, so my favorite player was Scottie Pippen.  In baseball, I chose Kirby Puckett.  And in football, my favorite player was Warren Moon. 

Although I did it subconsciously, there was one thing these guys all had in common; they were not white guys.  Let's face facts, in basketball, I didn't have much of a choice unless I just wanted to cheer for a shitty basketball player.  In baseball, my brother's favorite player was Ryne Sandberg, so I couldn't choose him.  Sure I could have gone with fellow Cub, Mark Grace, but there was nothing flashy about him.  I needed someone with pizazz, so my favorite was Kirby Puckett.  The most egregious example was definitely in football.  Everybody knows that quarterback is the glamour position of the NFL, and at the time it was completely dominated by a bunch of white guys.  I had to go out of my way to pick the one guy who stood out from all the others as my favorite player.

I'm sure lots of other kids did the same thing as me growing up, so I didn't think it was an issue, just a kid being a kid, you know?  I didn't hate white people, did I?  Unfortunately, this year taught me that old habits die hard.  Really, this apology is meant for one person more than all the others:
Peyton Hillis, I'm sorry.  When you were punishing tacklers on your way to taking over the number one running back spot from Jerome Harrison, I figured you'd find a way to do something only a white guy would do and lose your job to a superior athlete.  I mean, yeah, I'll put white guys on the offensive line, even at tight end, but at running back?  I don't think so.  Sure, you put up a solid ten and eleven point performances to start the year, but those were against Tampa Bay and Kansas City, surely Harrison would take over the starting job after you failed miserably against Baltimore.  Instead, you had seven catches, ran for 144 yards, including a touchdown, and ended up with 24 fantasy points.  By this time, it was far too late to try to acquire you.  I hung onto Jerome Harrison for a few more weeks, but I knew it was in vain.  Yes, Peyton Hillis, you are a white guy, but you are also one hell of a running back.  If you weren't white, we could probably be cruising into the fantasy playoffs together, but alas, we will be competing against each other, and I have no one to blame but myself.  This goes out to the entire race, but especially to you Peyton: 
I hope you can forgive me.


P.S.  I probably shouldn't bring this up, but there is one other thing all my favorite players had in common; they all beat their wives.  Um...yeah, I'm not quite ready to dive into that fact yet, so you'll have to wait for that blog post.