Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Iowa Is Better Than New York

Most New Yorkers had no idea that this is where Iowa is located.

East coast bias has finally pushed me over the edge, which means I'm going to write a blog (that'll show 'em; that'll show 'em real good). New York is not the center of the universe, but you would never know that by turning on a television or an internet. Everything is about how New York is affected by things. New Yorkers have a superiority complex for no reason. I will not only prove that New York and their people are not better than anybody else, I will completely shame them and prove that Iowans are even better than them.

The Yankees are the greatest team in anything ever.

No, they aren't. My Dad's Club soccer team dominated everyone we played for years. I didn't even know that losing was something that happened to people early on in my life. One year, we outscored opponents like 100-2 and one of those goals was scored in a shootout (where I kicked the goal to win the championship, and I always want to tell that story, but for some reason, nobody ever brings up 2nd grade soccer these days). Now that was a great team. We didn't use our resources to give us an unfair advantage, just some orange slices and the promise of a pizza party at the end of the year. So, seriously, do your goddamn research before making a stupid claim like that.

New York has the best entertainment in the world.

Ooh, look at New Yorkers, with your fancy Broadway shows? Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Sure, you probably have better entertainment options than Iowans. But most of you aren't cultured enough to recognize the differences between Broadway and my local play's talents. You're just watching things on a nicer stage. Plus, you need these fancy entertainment options to occupy your time. All Iowans need is a field and someone who knows how to build a fire, which everyone in Iowa knows how to do (except me). You build a fire, you drink a bunch of beer, somebody does something really stupid, you have a good laugh about it and pass out in your cars. Now that's a night out.

You don't want to mess with me, I'm from New York.

So? This is a common theme, where people who grew up in New York think they are tougher than people from other places in the world. Let's look at one of the few great fighters from New York, Jon Jones. He might be the best mixed martial artist in the world right now, and guess what? When he wanted to get tougher, he moved to the state of Iowa to wrestle. If any state should be bragging about how they are tough from being from a place, it should be Iowans. Everybody wrestles in the state, and we're pretty damn awesome at it. Also, during my formative years, I grew up 15 minutes from what was considered the best MMA Training Camp in the world. If you could get tougher from osmosis, I would be one of the baddest men on the planet. Unfortunately, you can't. And I'm a pussy. So being from New York doesn't make you a fighter; it doesn't make you tough, but clearly, it does make you delusional. 

New York has the best people in the world.

This is somehow the worst. 9/11 was a complete and total tragedy. I am not here to make light of that. Hurricane Sandy seems bad, but it seems to be no Katrina. Yet New Yorkers act as if they are the only ones who know how to persevere during a tragedy. New York people come together in rough times in ways that no other people possibly could. And that's a bunch of bullshit. 9/11 was a tragedy, and New York survived, which was good, but seriously, what were you supposed to do? Just sit in your small studio apartments and rot and die out of depression? Grow up. Iowans would have done the same thing, but we would have just done it. It wouldn't have been something innate about us being from Iowa. It would have just been us doing what needed to be done, BECAUSE IOWANS ARE THE GREATEST (as long as you ignore our weight issues, lack of jobs, and still prevalent racism. And really who pays attention to those minor issues?). Suck it, New York.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Breaking Down The Lyrics of Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus"

I usually don't listen to the radio in the car, as I'd rather crank up the iPod and listen to some podcasts (Seriously, listen to My Brother, My Brother, and Me). The other day, I forgot my iPod, so I was stuck searching for whatever music was available. I switched to a country station, because I used to like country. I don't really like it too much anymore, but I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to. Instead, I heard Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus." If you would like to listen to the song, I have embedded it below, but I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that:

You didn't think it could be that bad, did you? It's so horrifically white trash that I just had to break down each and every awful lyric of this song.

If I could have a beer with Jesus

This is the point where my jaw dropped while listening to the song. I nearly swerved off the road, but I was able to keep a semblance of composure. But, I mean...fuck, seriously? I cannot imagine having this white trash of a thought. This is the same level of intelligence that leads to people drinking drano. "It unclogs drains, and I have been feeling a little backed up lately." Why? Why would you write a song about a hypothetical opportunity to have a beer with Jesus? It's got to be a side effect of being inbred.

Heaven knows I’d sip it nice and slow

Because Heaven knows all, DURR!

I’d try to pick a place that ain’t too crowded
Or gladly go wherever he wants to go

Shit, you ever think that maybe Jesus would want to go to church? Since that's all he preached about while on Earth. No, I'm sure he'd want to go to a bar with some white trash country singer to have a fucking Miller Lite. What a great use of Jesus' time. I hope somebody slips Jesus ecstasy and he spends the whole night dancing with glow-sticks.

You can bet I’d order up a couple tall ones

Thanks for getting beers instead of asking what Jesus wants, you selfish prick.

Tell the waitress put ‘em on my tab

Well, at least Jesus doesn't have to pay for the swill you are about to order him.

I’d be sure to let him do the talkin’

I imagine Rhett just staring at Jesus, and Jesus staring back, each waiting for the other one to start the conversation. Rhett is doing it, because he's creepy and not very good with people. Jesus doing it, because he's polite, and Rhett did invite him here to talk.

Careful when I got the chance to ask

This is right before the refrain, and I have to say that the suspense was killing me during this short break, because I knew he was going to say something stupid, but I had no idea how stupid it was going to be. Needless to say, he did not disappoint.

How’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me

I have read this line 50 times, and it still makes no sense. How did Jesus turning the other cheek save you? Wait, did you punch Jesus? And do you see him as The Ultimate Fighter that could just crush you if he wasn't willing to turn the other cheek? Who the hell taught you about Jesus?

Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you’re comin’ back again
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

The arrogance of this asshole to think Jesus is going to reveal his master plan to him? And then blatantly telling Jesus that he would ruin the surprise. Also, anytime he mentions beer with Jesus, I lose my shit, because it is beyond white trash. If this song speaks to you, you should not be allowed to speak to other people.

If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d put my whole paycheck in that jukebox

His whole paycheck in the jukebox? Since we have established that he is white trash, we will give him $300 for his paycheck. At 50 cents a song and 3 minutes a song, that's 30 hours of music. Great, the only place you can take Jesus to is Vegas, so you have a bar that will stay open for 30 hours. And honestly, you'll probably get kicked out, since, even with a 16 ounce beer, you will be drinking half an ounce an hour. I'm sure the waitress will fucking love you two.

Fill it up with nothing but the good stuff

You know damn well that he is playing 30 straight hours of this song. Thomas Rhett is that awful and that clueless.

Sit somewhere we couldn’t see a clock

Clearly, Thomas Rhett sees Jesus as an impatient asshole who is just going to be staring at his watch the entire time, so no clocks around. But really, if he was with you, he would have no choice. You are wasting his time. Let Jesus turn more water into booze, and pick up chicks with his walk on water trick. Ladies love magic like that.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Have you been there from the start

I imagine Jesus immediately replying "No" to this question, and then confronting Thomas for clearly NEVER reading a goddamn bible. Dude, there is this thing called the Old Testament, Jesus, like believes in that book, and it all happened before him.

How’d you change a sinner’s heart

By making him listen to this song until he changed his evil ways. Torture is a magnificent tool.

And is heaven really just beyond the stars
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

He can probably only stay, for just a couple rounds
But I hope and pray he’s stayin’ till we shut the whole place down

I'm worried for Jesus' safety. Clearly, Thomas Rhett is not a thinking man, but he seems determined to spend as much time with Jesus as possible. I hope Jesus has his all-knowing powers turned on, because there is a very good chance that Thomas Rhett is planning to roofie him, tie him up in his basement, and have beers with Jesus for the rest of his life.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
What’s on the other side?
Is mom and daddy alright?
And if it ain’t no trouble tell them I said hi

Your plan has been to get Jesus shitty beers, make him listen to 30 hours of his music, and roofie him. Saying hi is the least of his troubles.

I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

Jesus got nailed to a cross, and I guarantee he'd take that 100 times over before he would have a beer with Thomas Rhett. Dying for our sins is one thing, listening to this song is a whole nother level of sacrifice. Let's face it; Jesus got off easy. 

Monday, October 29, 2012

This Is an A and B Conversation...

This is a musical group called A&B Conversation. They have nothing to do with this article, but I thought this picture was awesome.

You know the old phrase, "This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it?" Well, I was talking to my dog, and my main squeeze decided to ask me what we were talking about. Without missing a beat, I told her, "This is an A and B conversation, so how about you listen to a CD, take some E, and get the F out." She was not nearly as impressed as she should have been. I thought it was one of the greatest things ever said in history. Therefore, I decided to expand on it. Enjoy.

This is an A
and B
conversation, so how about you listen to a C
take some E,
and get the F
out, because I'm a straight up G.
If you're feeling butthurt, you could use some Preparation H.
Don't get it in your I,
Because you'll miss me making a J,
Just because you got the L,
there's no need to have a bM
Just say N
to drugs. Because if you have to P
You will have to answer some Qs.
Like R
you gonna S
this thang? Be sure to have some T
ready to get the taste out of your mouth. And be sure that U
don't lose your V
card. Because W
is no longer president, so there's no need to get X
rated. Because, really, Y
would you want to do that?
So catch some Zs,
because this conversation is over.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever written. I apologize. With that being said, if anybody ever actually uses this in real life, they will instantly become my hero.

Friday, October 26, 2012

In Defense of Ferentz

So, I wanted to give my two cents on the state of the Iowa Hawkeye football program (maybe only 1.5 cents, but it's something). It's that time of the year when everyone is calling for Kirk Ferentz to be fired. First off, it's not gonna happen, so you can give up on that notion, because Iowa is not going to pay him $20 million to sit on the couch at home.

Next, and more importantly, it shouldn't happen. Kirk Ferentz is a hell of a football coach. Is he the best coach in the country? Probably not. Is he overpaid? Probably, but I hope to God that I one day can get people complaining that I am overpaid. I can't blame a guy for being overpaid, that's a good job by him and his agent.

And, really, had Iowa recovered an onside kick, they would be 5-2 right now, and although we had dreams of 6-1 or 7-0, Iowa State is a pretty good football team, and most people thought Michigan State's offense would be good enough to win a home game against Iowa before the season started. We got a good win over Michigan State and took an absolute beating against Penn State. It's only the surprise of how those things turned out that anger Iowa fans. Oh, and back to that onside kick. Yeah, that was really bad. I'm trying to come up with a positive, but it was really awful and frustrating. Still, I'm not going to put a freak play (that admittedly has happened over and over) as enough to get a guy fired.

On top of that, this year was predestined to suck. Iowa's best years are when they have experienced offensive and defensive lines. They returned two starters between those two lines. They have had young guys step up and show they can play this year, which means the future is looking bright. I know everybody remembers the glory boy quarterbacks, Brad Banks, Drew Tate, and Ricky Stanzi, who I loved too, but they are not the same type of talent that has been on our offensive and defensive lines. Even a guy like Matt Roth, who never had a huge impact in the NFL, was an AWESOME college football player. Meanwhile, you have guys like Jonathan Babineaux who got overlooked a lot of times at Iowa, who has been a great defensive tackle in the NFL (feel free to substitute Robert Gallery and Marshall Yanda if you want an example of offensive linemen). That's what makes the Hawkeyes great.

Now onto that elephant in the room, Greg Davis. I'm as frustrated as everyone else with the offense. I have trouble giving Davis a whole lot of credit for the running game, since it is based on a zone blocking scheme that has been around as long as Ferentz. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he should get credit, but we judge offensive coordinators on the passing game more than the running game, and the passing game has been hot garbage.

Is Greg Davis completely to blame? Not completely, but this horizontal offense is bad. People wanted to anoint Vandenberg as the greatest quarterback since Chuck Long, but there were warning signs going into this season. He struggled badly against good defenses. He has also been awful at handling pressure. And those problems have continued and possibly gotten worse. I think teams have game planned for him better this year. Still, all of you Ken O'Keefe haters are being awfully quiet right now, because he actually fit Kirk's offensive philosophies pretty damn well.

So, where are we? Well, the good news is that we lack experience and our offensive and defensive lines have played better than expected (we'll see how they deal with the injuries, but at least it gets more experience for guys). The other good news is that the defense has played pretty well for the most part. I know our worst games seem to stand out, but the front and back end (safeties) are inexperienced, so we're going to have those problems.

The bad news is that Greg Davis's offense has not shown us much. It's worrisome. They do have an easy out at the end of this season. But Kirk is a fiercely loyal guy who has never bent to criticism, and that's an admirable trait. Whether Davis's one year on staff has built up that loyalty remains to be seen. Kirk's not going to call out his offensive coordinator in the middle of the season. Actually, he's never going to call out any coach, ever.

There's worse things than going to bowl games every year and winning double-digit games every three or four years. There are worse things in the world than winning seven games. Just take a look at Auburn. Kirk's done more than enough to earn our trust, and I, personally, am happy that he is the Iowa Hawkeyes Head Football Coach.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Bulls Bench Will Still Be Good

The more analysis I read, the more I see some serious doubt towards the Chicago Bulls. They lost The Bench Mob, and that was a huge strength for them last year. But I still believe in the Bulls. In fact, I believe in the Bulls bench, which is a ragtag group that has no experience together. It may take some time for the guys to gel, but by the end of the season, I don't see a reason why this bench can't be nearly as good as the one the Bulls had last year. The players in The Bench Mob got no one excited before they came to the Bulls. It's the same thing with these guys, but if you run a proper system, guys can look good. Here is what the Bulls lost from last year.

Omer Asik - This is the toughest loss for the Bulls. He filled a role in the middle of the defense that let other guys take chances to create turnovers. He was basically a perfect fit. On top of that, this is where the Bulls probably got their weakest replacement. I am going to miss Asik, but since the Bulls are trying to avoid the luxury tax like it's the plague, it didn't make sense to match the Rockets' contract.

Kyle Korver - This is about the only guy who had any sort of reputation before joining the Bulls. He is an awesome 3-point shooter. That is really nice to have, especially since the bench did not have a lot of scoring. His defense got better, but it was still not good, which did not make him an ideal complement to Derrick Rose in crunch time. Also, I was terrified anytime that he put the ball on the floor, because it rarely led to good things. Another thing that helps for the future is the $5 million trade exception, which gives them an opportunity to basically add two strong veterans this coming offseason when they inevitably drop Rip Hamilton's non-guaranteed contract. Using the amnesty clause on Boozer also makes a ton of sense, which is nothing against Boozer, outside of saying that he is not a $15 million player.

Ronnie Brewer - He was always a good defender, but he was not a guy that was going to create his own shot, and even when he did shoot, he was never going to be a consistent scorer. That being said, Brewer was another favorite of mine. I would find him hard to replace, but his replacement is probably my second favorite bench player behind Taj Gibson. We'll get to him later.

John Lucas III - I think the Bulls will be okay here.

Brian Scalabrine - Good news: The Bulls will have an extra soul on the roster this year.

C.J. Watson - A good backup point guard, who did a nice job of being a poor man's Derrick Rose. He did a very good job of fitting within the Bulls system. He could score, but he was never seen as a big time scorer, just a good bench scorer. He was a nice little pickup for the Bulls, but he is not a game changer.

So that is what they lost? What did they gain for this season? Well, if you listen to the mainstream media, they somehow signed a bunch of nothing, but it's not like there is not potential with the signings that the Bulls made.

Marco Belinelli - He started a good amount of games for the Hornets last year, which is...something that happened and doesn't mean a whole lot (especially since it was because of Eric Gordon's injury). Still, he's a guard who can score, and hit threes well enough. He was good enough to be a solid contributor as a starter, so he could excel at times in a bench role.

Jimmy Butler - I know he is not an addition, but he is actually going to get some serious minutes off the bench, and I am way too excited for this. He has been working with Thibodeau, and I think he is ready to get some significant minutes at small forward. Deng has a bum wrist, so it would be nice if they finally stopped playing him 45 minutes a game. I think Butler is ready to step up and be a nice contributor.

Kirk Hinrich - I think I'm the only person on the planet who liked the Hinrich signing. He's a good fit, as he can run the point, but also shift to the 2 when Rose gets back and play tough defense on the better guard. I like a lineup with him at the 2 more than I like Rip Hamilton, because I think Hinrich's defense is a very good complementary piece to Rose as he can play the better scoring guard on defense which allows Rose to focus completely on offense, which is definitely best for him.

Nazr Mohammed - Yeah, remember how good I said Asik was, this is the other reason why the Bulls will miss him so much. On the positive side, at least he's a rich man's Scalabrine, so that's...something.

Vladimir Radmanovic - He's a big man who can shoot the three, so that is a nice piece to have around. He's not a game breaker, but having a big guy who can spread the floor is a nice piece to have off the bench.

Nate Robinson - He is boom or bust, but that isn't the worst thing in the world when you have a bench that is going to have trouble scoring. Like I mentioned, moving Hinrich into the starting group and moving Rip Hamilton back gives the second team another good scorer, but a guy like Robinson who might just get on fire will be fun to have around. Yes, him getting very cold and taking awful shots and making awfully dumb plays will be frustrating, but I'm here to focus on the positive, so just forget this last sentence.

Marquis Teague - He probably won't get a ton of playing time, but this was a high upside pick, which is exactly what I would want to see from a Bulls team that was picking that late in the draft. He was inconsistent, but he was one of the most talented players in the draft, so to get him that late was a steal. Maybe he can come in and provide a spark when Nate Robinson is doing inexplicable things.

Yes, the Bulls pulled a bunch of guys off the scrapheap, they at least consulted Thibodeau to figure out which scrapheap guys could best play in his system. This is not the same bench as they had last year, but that doesn't necessarily make it worse They do not appear to be nearly as good on defense, but I do think that this is a better offensive bench than what the Bulls had with The Bench Mob.

Going into the season two years ago, nobody expected anything special from the bench, and it turned out to become possibly the best bench in the league. Now, here we are again, where nobody is expecting anything from the bench, but I really think they will surprise people with how well they play in Thibodeau's system.

Monday, October 22, 2012

The 7 Promises of the Promise Keepers

I read a lot on the internet, and occasionally I will come across things that I really wish I hadn't. That Fox News video where the guy kills himself. I felt like I needed to see that, and man how I wish I would not have watched that. Right along those lines is Brad Stine, who really refers to himself as God's comic. I watched some of his bits, and he's really edgy as he talks about toilet seats and bumper stickers. He screams a lot. If you're going to watch one of these two things, watch the suicide; it'll be far less painful.

But then I started researching Brad Stine to see if I could turn something bad into a good, or at least mildly entertaining, thing. I searched his Wikipedia page and found out that he started a group called God Men. He started this group after having a falling out with Promise Keepers. Both of these are groups for men who are dedicated to God. Unfortunately, God Men shut down, and Stine rejoined the Promise Keepers.

So let's take a look at the 7 promises of Promise Keepers, because religious groups are probably my favorite groups ever. Most religious people will listen to reason, religious groups have never even heard of reason. They won't go as far as to say that logic is the devil, because as we all know, all religious groups are convinced that gay people are the devil, but we'll get to that later. Onto the promises:

A Promise Keeper is committed to honoring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Okay, so the first one is pretty normal (by religious standards). Since I have no issue with religion as a whole, this one promise can go unscathed as it actually seems pretty normal.

A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.
I know that Promise Keepers stress the exact opposite of this, but the second promise could easily be used for a gay orgy group and work just as well. It really wouldn't be shocking if it was. I think most people who are anti-gay rights are just mouth-breathers who can't come up with an original thought, but I'm sure a decent percentage are also just self-hating people who have to fight their urge towards homosexuality. To those people, please, just bang a dude; it'll make you feel better.

A Promise Keeper is committed to practicing spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity. 
Just in case anybody was thinking about any gay stuff, they put an end to that right here. You could rape a sheep and be forgiven by the Christian community but have consensual sex with another man, and you are going straight to hell. To be fair, they do say in their FAQ section that homosexuals are welcome, but they state that right after making it clear that homosexuality is a horrible sin that makes God cry tears that give angels cancer.

A Promise Keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love, protection and biblical values.
This one is just to reinforce how much they hate the gays. Biblical values is almost always a justification of hate. Otherwise it would just be called personal or family values, but once you throw a biblical in front of values, it is just to make sure that people know that there is reasoning behind their blind hatred.

A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honoring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.
This is actually the weirdest one to me, as I don't understand why they needed to explicitly make a promise to pray for their pastor. It seems like they could have just honored their church and other people and been good. I probably shouldn't be surprised that a religious group displays odd behavior.

A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity. 
This is about as positive as it gets for a Promise Keeper. At least they don't judge people about their denomination or skin color. They will judge people on sexual preference, and obviously, to retain their purity, no broads are allowed in this club. I wonder if they understand the irony of starting a group that hates gays yet also does not allow women. Make up your mind, Promise Keepers.

A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment  and the Great Commission.
I went to a Catholic school through elementary. I'm pretty sure the Great Commandment is the first one, and I have never heard of the Great Commission. This is clearly just in here, because they could only come up with six, but six is an evil number (it has the same amount of letters as gay), and seven is a holy number (there are seven letters in the phrase "no homos").

So that's The Promise Keepers. Just promise you'll keep hating gays and you'll be an esteemed member of the club, because religious groups are full of well-adjusted members of society.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Don't Post Your Political Views On Facebook

So it's election season, and that is obviously a very important thing for the country. Some people are for one guy, some people are for the other, while others are for Ron Paul. It really doesn't matter to me who you support as long as you do not post your opinions on Facebook. There is no way to post your thoughts without coming across as an ignorant piece of shit.

Facebook always pisses me off, because statuses of Facebook friends are a collection of the dumbest shit you will see on the internet. I rarely follow people I know on Twitter, because I have to be drunk around most of my friends to enjoy them, where genuinely intelligent people, I can enjoy at any time. I do not blame the people I know for this, as some of my Tweets and Facebook statuses are boring as well. I've probably tweeted "IOWA!" and where most people would think that was about a sporting event, it was probably just me having some really good corn on the cob.

This is usually not a problem, because it is harmlessly worthless comments. But when politics get involved, it centralizes everything I hate in the world and puts it in a sentence or two. A reasonable status is very rare, because people don't feel the need to post rational ideas about politics. They only post if they feel very strongly about things. Whether it's "Way to kick his ass, Obama," or "Romney has a PLAN," or "There he goes again, avoiding the issues," it doesn't matter, because they all would have been better kept in your brain as opposed to typed out on a keyboard. Just about everybody expands on the samples that I provided, but the longer your post is, the more it comes across as a person who is retarded but thinks they're doing a really good job of hiding it.

Even a reasonable status pisses me off. Seeing something like, "Doesn't matter who wins, because we're in America, land of the free," and that gets 50 likes, because if you don't like a status that is pro-America, you are probably a terrorist. It shouldn't take an election to make you realize that your life is pretty sweet here in the USA, Ricky Stanzi reported on that like three years ago.

Yet, there I am, going into Facebook and reading this crap. All it does is build the rage up inside of me, and that is valuable hate that I could be using for sports instead of stupidity. I can't help it. I'm basically like a slow child, I put my hand in the fire, realizes it burns, takes my hand away, only to put it right back in the fire to see what happens this time. Yep, same results, people are fucking retarded.

Trust me, you do not have anything important to say when it comes to politics. There should not be any audience for your thoughts, because they are stupid. So...painfully stupid.

So, please, the next time you have a thought about politics, don't go to your computer. If you're at your computer, don't start typing out that thought. If you start typing out that thought, please, for the love of God, do not hit send. And if you hit send, at least clean out your diaper when you're done before you go back to chewing on that chair leg.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Running Is Dumb

After a two-week hiatus due to the flu, I got back to running this past Saturday. The bad news is that running is dumb. The good news is that I am an idiot, and hoo boy, was I stupid on this run.

I never really set out a definite path or length for my runs, because I like to live my life with freedom and adventure (America!). This can lead to shorter runs, because during my run, I realize how stupid running is, or it can lead to longer runs, where my stupidity outweighs the stupidity of running, and I just keep going. My run was the latter.

It started out quite peacefully, temperature in the mid-50s, a little bit of wind, but nothing excessive. So I just strolled along. The one thing I do decide before my run is pick my music. It's usually happy music, rap from the late 90s early 00s, or heavy metal/Ultimate Warrior Inspirational speeches. Today was happy music, so I was at peace as I got my run on.

Things were going smooth for me early on in the run. I took a road with no sidewalks, but since it was early in the morning, cars were good about giving me my required three feet of space as they drove by. At about mile four, I saw this 50 year old dude running the other way across the street, and he was going at a good pace. Good for him, I thought, as I gave a friendly wave as we went our separate ways. Shortly thereafter, I heard a bike coming up from behind me so I got to the side as it got on my ass pretty quickly. Then, it turned out that it was just the 50 year old speed demon passing me by. This was the fastest human being alive. I am convinced he is like an Albino Kenyan. I have kept up with most people riding bikes better than I was able to keep up with him. He also had a jacket tied around his waist, and as he got further away, it had the effect of making him look like a superhero. I tried to pick up my pace, but I'm not sure if my Ford Escort could have kept up with him. To top it all off, we chatted a little as he flew by me, which led to him asking me if I was Canadian. I have no idea why he thought I was Canadian. I don't think I look Canadian. I don't think I sound Canadian. My best guess is that he overheard me listening to Alanis Morissette on my run and figured I was doing it for national pride. So, I got passed like a bitch and accused of being Canadian. That is the definition of complete ownage.

When I get completely owned, I need to get revenge. Since I was physically unable to catch The Human Bullet, I decided that I would run further than he did. Sure, he was out of sight, so I have no idea how far he ran, but as long as my heart believes that I ran further than him, I would be fine. A light sprinkle started which actually felt quite nice. This would not feel nice later on.

Like an idiot, I ran...and ran....and ran. The road was new to me, so I got distracted by the pretty trees with their leaves changing colors and the houses I had never seen before. My IQ drops to mentally handicapped when I run, so everything about the world turns truly wondrous for me.

As I entered my third town from my run, I thought, "Cool, let's keep running." I should have thought, "Probably time to head back." But I kept running. Then the road I was on ended, which was another sign to head back, but I saw the Interstate in the distance, so I decided to run on the shoulder of a highway as cars zipped by me. This was not concerning at all, because I was in my mental retardation state, so I was just thinking, "Wow, cars go VROOOM!"

I finally cross under the interstate and decide it is time to head home. My happiness subsides, and I realize that this is not going to be fun. The rain is no longer a sprinkle, as it is coming down pretty hard. About a mile into my adventure on the way back, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" gets me way too pumped. Because it's raining. And I'm running really hard, so it is like my feet are on fire. So I'm basically living the song out. And that's not feminine at all, it is totally badass, so I stand by rocking out to Adele.

I'm about halfway back, and it is absolutely pouring. A car pulls over to the side of the road, maybe because they are worried about my well-being. No, they just need directions. I barely know where I am, but I take their map and figure out where they need to go. I am proud of this good deed on my part, but I'm pretty sure they never found the place as they ignored my first direction of, "Turn around."

And on I went. I was completely drenched. I had to stuff my iPod down my underwear to try to save it from the rain. I consistently stepped in puddles filling my shoes with their own tiny, little puddles. Hills were nearly unbearable as I could barely lift my legs high enough to keep moving forward. And there was not enough Adele in the world to keep me pumped. Basically, it sucked.

After 17 miles, I finally stumbled home. I drank a glass of water and ate a banana in about 15 seconds. I then peeled off my clothes, which I think weighed about 10 pounds with all of the water weight, and took a hot shower. I then bundled up, covered myself with two blankets and shivered for the next half hour as I watched a wedding show, as I was too cold to change the channel.

Running is dumb. Don't ever do it...I wonder where I'll run next week.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What Would It Take For You To Eat Poop?

This seems like a simple question. But this morning, I got to thinking about what it would take for me to eat poop.

Everyone's initial reaction is that I would do it for a million dollars, or whatever amount of money you want to throw out in order for you to take a taste of poo. But it would take a crazy person to offer money to watch somebody eat shit. And let's face it, this crazy person could find somebody to do it cheaper than you or I would. That means that you have to go to the trouble of finding something that separates you like wearing a diaper and a bonnet while eating poop. By the point you come up with your gimmick, you probably would be better just getting a normal job.

But then I got to thinking. I have my pre-workout supplements and my post-workout protein. Anytime I try a new product, I hate the taste of whatever I am trying. But, after a while, it grows on me, and by the time I am finished, I look forward to the taste and buy another container. The only thing that gets me to change is the price going up (so please don't raise your prices MusclePharm as I enjoy your wonderful products and would gladly have you sponsor this blog).

So, instead of money, let's say it had health benefits. I'm a healthy dude. I run, lift, and shoot hoops (poorly) every week. I'm also a competitive person. I trained MMA for six months despite never being in a fight in my life, just so I could walk around knowing that I would win most hypothetical fights (I'd still probably lose). Although I have never tried steroids, because they are illegal and expensive, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about trying steroids. There are steroids out there that will help you build muscle mass without lifting a weight. That is something I could get on board with, if it were legal and cheap.

So, that brings us full circle to poop. Fresh poop has a really offensive smell, and I am guessing that leads to an offensive taste. But if you let it dry out, it is not nearly as offensive as smell, and theoretically, not nearly as bad of a taste either. If I could take a bite of poop and have the same effects of a perfectly safe steroid, I would at least consider it. I'm sure I could get used to the flavor after a while.

So if eating poop turned me into a ripped machine, I'd definitely consider it. I can't imagine how many chicks that I would be able to get if I was bigger and badder than ever. I could pretty much have any woman I wanted, with the one caveat that I'd have to find girls who don't mind a guy's breath smelling like shit...maybe I should rethink this plan.

Monday, October 15, 2012

I Have Lost My Sports Hate

I hate the St. Louis Cardinals. I say that, because it is something that, as a Cubs fan, I have believed in my entire life. But, being honest with myself, I really don't hate the Cardinals. I'm 28 years old, and at this point in my life, I have to be pretty selective with my sports hatred.

I no longer hate the Cardinals, I'm just tired of them. I just want them to go away. I don't really care about the Tigers, but I'm kind of semi-rooting for them on the rare occasions that I accidentally turn on baseball. The Cubs suck, and fantasy baseball is over, so I have no reason to give two shits about the baseball season.

This is only partially because I am a much bigger college sports fan than I am of professional sports. As a fan of Iowa, I don't care at all about baseball, because Big Ten baseball is as relevant as the Jamaican hockey team. Even with the teams that do matter, I can't quite build up hatred for their opponents.

Iowa basketball has been bad for a while, so it's not like they can really create a rivalry. I think I probably hate Illinois basketball the most, but it certainly doesn't keep me up at night.

Iowa football matters, but I've gotten past the rage at how things are run to just kind of laugh when things get horribly fucked up. I was actually a Ken O'Keefe supporter. He did a solid job. He was conservative, but Kirk wants to run a conservative gameplan. People really hated the guy, but almost everyone just complained about a play call after it failed instead of having a viable solution. I also don't hate Kirk, because ten wins every few years is pretty cool. Maybe he'll never make it to the Rose Bowl, maybe he'll make it this year. He's still a really good coach, and yes, I realize he is overpaid, but I can't blame him for that. As for football rivalries, it really irritates me when Iowa loses to Northwestern, but it is just Northwestern. Wisconsin would be a rivalry, but Iowa no longer plays them every year, and I have had some great times in Madison, so it is tough to build up too much hatred. Maybe I could hate Nebraska, but the rivalry started one year ago, so I'm going to need some time to build up hate for them.

And then there's Iowa Wrestling, but hating another team in wrestling would be a real asshole move considering my favorite team always finishes in the top-5 nationally. I would say that I hate the fan bases of places like Penn State for having an awesome wrestling team and not giving a shit about it.

So, that's where I'm at. I no longer have that blind hatred of sports teams. I used to hate teams like the Packers and Cardinals. Now I'd still rather see them lose than win, but I don't have that chlamydia feeling burning inside of me anymore. Now it's more like a zit on my ballsack. Yeah, it's annoying, but it's pretty easy to make it go away.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

That NFL Quarterbacks Facebook Chat Is For Mouth Breathers

This piece of shit has been making the rounds on the Internet. I knew I shouldn't have clicked on it, because I have only seen it from people who are too stupid to have a sense of humor. I'm not going to take the time to break this down, as that would add humor and creativity to a piece that does not deserve it. Rarely can I not make it through a short internet article, but reading that would be considered torture too extreme for Abu Ghraib.

I can't believe people enjoy it, because there is not a single clever thing about it. None of the quarterbacks have a distinct voice. It's just, "You suck."and "Nuh uh, you suck." Every quarterback sounds exactly the same. There is no art to it. If you want to read something worthwhile, check out this guy who tweeted his acid trip. It's beautiful.

If you make the quarterbacks have distinct voices, it has the potential to be funny, but this isn't even satire. They're not making fun of anything; they're just throwing out some basic facts and opinions about quarterbacks while putting famous QBs names next to childish text. I cannot believe how many people I have seen share that link like it's some sort of genius thing.

If you enjoy that, you are a god damned mouth breather. Seriously, you need to evaluate things. I'm sure you probably think you are a normal, well-adjusted person, you are probably wrong. There is a good chance you suffer from a mental disability. I don't know if my blog is the best forum to tell you this, but seek help. Yes, occasionally normal people spill food on their shirt, but it isn't normal for you to shit your pants daily, and if you thought that was funny, I cannot imagine you have a good handle on your bowel movements.

So, please, seek help...and a toilet, because the shitting your pants is getting out of control.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Ozzie Canseco's Twitter Account

I have written about Jose Canseco numerous times on this blog, and by numerous, it appears that he has been in 60 different posts. But Jose Canseco really seems to have things going well for him. He's been in some commercials, and he gets some mild publicity for his stunts like wearing a shirt apologizing to Mark McGwire at a Cardinals-Dodgers game a few weeks ago. As happy as I am for Jose, it makes him pretty boring, because he can't quite stir up the genuine sadness that made his Twitter account so entertaining.

Luckily, I have found my new muse in Jose's twin brother, Ozzie Canseco. Don't be fooled, as he is not the totally lame @OzzieCanseco twitter handle; his twitter handle is @TwinTower7264, and it's amazing. The only problem with his account is that I could literally break down every tweet, because they are all great in their own special way. Let's just start from the beginning and see where this takes us:
Who the hell is Bruce Mead? I have no idea. This tweet is kind of like me saying, "I'm the most handsome boy in the whole wide world, just ask my Mom." But what's really important about this tweet is that it is one of the very few tweets that are not typed in ALL CAPS. What Ozzie has to say is important, so HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO YELL IT AT YOU.
This is the beginning of him randomly challenging Jose to contests. I was going to say that this happens a surprising amount, but it happens all the time, which is exactly what you would expect from Ozzie Canseco. I especially love the second part where he claims to "bed" better athletes. Jose may have been knockin' boots with Madonna, but Ozzie was gettin' busy with Billie Jean King.
Advantage: Ozzie.
You can tell that Ozzie has always wanted to be the best at something. That is why he created a boxing ring and covered it in ice to have a boxing rink. He may be bankrupt, but he is incredible at landing his jab on ice. That's a sound investment in my opinion.
Why is he Iron Man? Why is Iron Man in parentheses when he uses it. Why does he need the hottest fire imaginable when any fire hot enough to mold steel should be sufficient? These tweets bring so many questions, but sadly, I'm not sure if we'll ever have the answers.

50% of Ozzie's tweets do involve talking shit to Jose. I guarantee that every Thanksgiving, their shit talk slowly escalates until they are nailing each other with Yo Momma jokes without understanding the irony of it all. Also, do you think Jose's girlfriend's name was Anna McCarter or Anna "MC" Carter. I bet she dropped the dopest beats.
I'm gonna be honest. I don't know exactly what Haters Cam is, but I think there's a million dollar idea in there somewhere. I call dibs on Copyright of Haters Cam (I'm like 35% sure that's how Copyrights work).

Unfortunately, Ozzie took quite a break from tweeting and only had like 15 tweets since March. Luckily, he came back this past weekend.
Yes, you are (IRON MAN).

Finally, I checked out the website that he was promoting on his Twitter account,
The website expiring on September 17 is the most Ozzie Canseco thing ever. Whoops, what I meant to say is that it is the most (IRON MAN) thing ever. Keep on keepin' on, (IRON MAN).

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Breaking Down the Pepsi Soccer Commercial

I do not want to go into great details like I did on the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial last week, but I still need to point out a few irritating aspects of the Pepsi Soccer/Concert commercial, because the lack of logic shown in it really bothers me. Here is the commercial, in its extended entirety:

I'm not going to stress much about how these guys come to a concert/rave/I don't know what the hell is going on later than everyone else, because they gots to have their space. I'm also not going to stress how illogical it is that this event has no alcohol being served, and not even pop served, just a single pop machine. Luckily, that did not sell out in 15 minutes, because nobody needed anything to drink with the techno beats quenching their thirst.

What really bothers me is that these guys are a bunch of dicks. They just decide to get up on the crowd and run around like a bunch of jackasses. Now, obviously this is impossible, because they would immediately plummet to the ground and get stomped on by the crowd, but there are some specifically egregious things that really bother me.

What really bothers me is that a guy slides across people's hands.
He probably broke like 16 people's wrists by doing this, and this is only so he can kick a glow-in-the-dark soccer ball. Seriously dude, grow the fuck up.

Finally, this ending really irritated me.
This asshole not only conned these innocent people into carrying a god damned Pepsi machine, which is a total dick move on its own. He tops it off by sitting on top of it as he smugly drinks his Pepsi. Somehow, he adds a third level to his douchery by having the Pepsi machine on its side, meaning that nobody else could get a Pepsi, even if they wanted to. Gravity has to bring the can down the chute. What a dick.

So, yeah, those are the big reasons why I hate this commercial.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Why Ohio State is the Worst

So, as dedicated readers of this blog probably noticed, I had quite a hiatus from the blog recently. A bunch of things conspired against me including life, illness, and most importantly, my internet going out which forced me to do all of my Internetting at a public library. Like most great artists, I like to watch pornography during the creative process. Not your normal stuff either, the stuff that is way off the beaten path (masturbation pun, holler!). Obviously, I can't be looking at that stuff at the public library, I mean, I'm not an Ohio State fan.

After I had that thought, I decided to look up the video of the Ohio State fan that I was referring to. I was shocked at what I found. Less than 60,000 people have seen this video? If I would have made an educated guess before looking it up, I would have guessed 2-3 million people had seen that video. It's simply wonderful. And by wonderful, I mean that it is incredibly awkward to watch.

The basic premise of this video is a local Chris Hanson (To Catch a Predator) is busting people for doing weird shit. He arms the libraries with hidden cameras and catches people masturbating in the middle of the library. Don't worry, they blur out the images. That isn't the important part. The important part is the confrontation. The reporter accuses this man of masturbating:
Oh, yes. That beautiful, wonderful, amazing, Buckeye pride. Ohio State fans may be better at football than other Big Ten schools, but this video will stop them in their tracks. Here is just a sample of the dialogue between the two:

Reporter: Have you ever performed a sexual act at the library?
OSU Fan: No, I have not.
Reporter: What if I told you we have video of you performing a sexual act?
OSU Fan: Well, it wasn't me.
Reporter: You just reached out and grabbed yourself and started having sex?
OSU Fan: (sigh) I did what I...I wasn't thinking. I made a mistake.
Reporter: Based on people like you doing this sort of thing with children around, you think parents should be more careful about leaving them alone?
OSU Fan: (Dejected) Yeah...(EVEN MORE DEJECTED) yes.
Reporter: I mean if you were a parent, wouldn't you be afraid of a guy like you?
OSU Fan: I'm not a sexual predator or anything...yeah, I would be afraid.

The awkwardness is glorious. I feel like this sort of awkwardness could actually sustain me if I had no access to food or water. It's just so uncomfortable.

Oh yeah, and it gets worse. Like WAY worse. If you are in the least bit uncomfortable watching the interview with the Ohio State fan, do NOT continue the video. I can handle seeing a lot of things, but the ending makes me feel ill to my stomach. Chris Hanson confronts predators and that is awkward. This local reporter confronts the predator's parents about how their son is a monster, and, hoo boy, it is a total train wreck. I always want to look away, but I can't even manage to blink when it comes on my screen.

So I'm just going to post this video and recommend that you not watch it. I certainly can't stop you from watching it or forwarding it to your friends, or doing everything in your power to get it to a million views, but I'm also not endorsing any of those things.

Also, don't forget the moral of this story: Ohio State is the worst.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Hate the Verizon NFL Mobile Commercial

Have you seen the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial? It's an abortion. It is so bad that it makes me want to take a stand against Verizon. Unfortunately, they provide by far the best service in my area, and I am in the middle of a contract, so yeah, they will be keeping my business for the foreseeable future. That does not mean that I cannot hate this commercial with a fiery passion.

Even in bad commercials, I can usually find something I like, so let's start with that.
1. Diversity - At least they have some different races and sexes in there. Also, let's face it, the blonde guy is probably a homosexual, so bravo on that progressive thinking.

Now onto the bad.

Here is our protagonist. His name is Andy, and he appears to live in New Orleans since everyone loves the Saints. We also know he is a nerd because he wears plain clothes, has a stupid haircut, and most importantly, wears glasses. If he had paint-stained overalls, he could be the girl from She's All That. Lord knows he has the tits to play the part, but we'll get to that later. Here's Andy:
We start off with him deciding that, although he has never watched football before, he should join in on a conversation that he was not a part of and comment about how great the game was. He immediately gets shunned for his idiocy.

Then he goes to his cave and remembers that he has Verizon cell phone service, and he can get highlights from games to make him a better football fan. Andy has not learned of ESPN or The Internet, which probably means he doesn't even have nerd friends. He sucks in every way imaginable.
Andy has no friends, which means he does not have a family. Yet he is at a little girl's birthday party. He not only crashed a young girl's birthday party but willingly wore a tiara. This is where things get really scary. He either stole that tiara from a little girl (this is the good option), or he BROUGHT A TIARA WITH HIM TO THE PARTY. This is the serial killer option. Andy should not be allowed around people. He should not be around animals either. A plastic plant would be a good friend for him.
11 seconds in, with no prompt, he announces "Shotgun formation" to everyone around him. If I was watching football with someone and all of a sudden, they blurted out "Shotgun formation," I would assume they had Tourrettes. He makes it even worse by looking at the guy next to him either for affirmation or because he plans on wearing his skin as a dress. Notice how he has lost his glasses and is wearing nicer clothes.

15 seconds in is where I get my angriest. This stillshot captures everything that I despise:
Oh, God, where to start? Let's go with the elephant in the room. Maybe that is not what someone should be wearing if they have saggy man-boobs. It disgusts me every time I see this, not just in a commercial but in real life as well. Your Under Armour is not going to make you stronger. 

He is not the only one dressed like an asshole in this frame. The woman is flashing cleavage, and there is no evidence of her wearing anything to cover her lady parts. Okay, so she is actually pretty awesome for doing that. 

The dude next to her is not just wearing a tank top, but he's got that extra, extra deep V on his tank top.

The dude next to him wore an orange hoodie with the sleeves cut off. I have never seen that, nor have I ever conceived of someone doing that in my wildest imagination.

Think I'm done? Think again. There is an asshole putting up 135 on the bench wearing cargo shorts. He was supposed to be spotted by orange sleeveless hoodie guy, but he left to go watch the game.

Which brings me to my final point. Why are they watching this game on his phone? They are in New Orleans. There are TVs at the gym. Just watch the TV at the gym. Imagine the rage you would feel if you couldn't use a bench because four people, all dressed like assholes want to watch on the two inch screen instead of the 40 inch TVs at the gym. I still hate Man Boobs the most.
And we have reached full evolution. Because of Verizon, this man has gained better vision, a greater fashion sense, and more money as he can now afford fancy clothes. It will not give you better knowledge of football as he proclaims the Saints as, "The best defense in the league." The only way that is a reasonable statement is if Verizon only gets footage from early 90s games, and he has seen nothing but Sam Mills and Renaldo Turnbull tearing through people. He is going to look like a real asshole when he doesn't realize there are teams in Jacksonville and Carolina and keeps calling the team in Houston "The Oilers." 

At least he's not the biggest asshole in the final part. That award goes to this guy:
Clay Matthews. Somebody is innocently rooting for their team in his presence, and he has to have a big sissy fit about it. His witty remark is, "I will eat you." Yep, Matthews is threatening to go all Dahmer on them for liking a team that he does not play for. They aren't even badmouthing the Packers, just enjoying their own team. Clay Matthews, stop being such a dick...and don't eat people. That is not how adults solve their problems.

After this, the commercial finally, mercifully, ends. Every time this commercial comes on, I calm myself by texting on my Verizon phone and watching the NFL to soothe my nerves. DAMN YOU VERIZON/NFL PARTNERSHIP!