Saturday, October 30, 2010

Why Iowa Won

Iowa dominated Michigan State in every facet of football. Since most of the positives are pretty obvious, here are some things that may have been overlooked:

1. The offensive line gets so much better each and every week. It’s a shame that there is no substitution to playing games to help an offensive line’s cohesiveness, but they are without a doubt the most improved area of Iowa’s team.
2. It’s good to have Tarp playing again, and although most people didn’t notice his impact, he was extremely valuable. Where Wisconsin was able to carve up the middle of the field in the passing game, Michigan State mainly threw towards the sidelines when he was in the game.
3. That being said, I am extremely excited for the progression of James Morris. Not as excited as Matt Millen is, but still, I’m really excited.
4. Ryan Donahue: Impact Player.
5. Saving the best for last, even though great adjustments weren’t necessary for this game, let’s face it; it’s good to have Norm back.

Since no game is perfect, here are two things that bothered me:
1. The Tyler Sash lateral to Micah Hyde. Yes, I know it was probably the most exciting play of the season, but that doesn’t mean it was a good decision. Sash made the interception, giving Iowa all the momentum, so even if he’s tackled after a short return, everybody on Iowa is pumped. If Hyde fumbles that lateral and Michigan State recovers, it deflates the defense. They did what they needed to do, but still have to stay out on the field. Meanwhile, Michigan State gains confidence, because they got away with one. It’s just a little too high risk for my tastes, but yes, it was awesome.
2. I also hated the late first half timeouts by Ferentz. If there’s a minute left, and he’s able to stop the clock, it makes sense, but with 15 seconds, it’s just a waste of time as we saw. The upside is minuscule, and the downside is much higher.
3. When Michigan State conceded the game and put in their backup QB, there was NO reason for any starters to be in the game at that point.

Now onto things that bothered me about the coaching of Mark D’Antonio.
1. On point number two, I believe D’Antonio made a huge gaffe by not using a play action pass on either third or fourth down at the end of the half. Use play action to throw the ball deep, because most likely Iowa’s coverage would not be expecting it and with that little time, you don’t have to worry about stopping the clock as opposed to forcing Iowa to use a timeout. Down 30-0, that’s a call you need to make.
2. Also, in the second half, I think sticking with your normal offense until at least the fourth quarter, but you need to take chances on special teams. If Iowa’s punting, you can’t just send a solid rush, you need to send the house at them.
3. How do you not at least attempt an onside kick after scoring your first touchdown? I’m sure Iowa was at least somewhat prepared for it, but you at least have to try.

Before the season, I wrote a post on why there was no reason that Iowa couldn’t go to the national title game this year. Obviously, things didn’t work out that way, but that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a special Iowa football team. Last year’s team was great, and we also had some good ones in 2003 and during the Drew Tate era. But this is the first time since 2002 that Iowa doesn’t just have the talent to beat good teams; they can go out and dominate them. Yes, this team is that good.

This team may have lost two games, but as I said last week, the Rose Bowl is still a possibility. Enjoy the rest of this season, because at a program like Iowa’s, teams this talented only come around once every eight years.

-Joe

P.S. I was going to put the fans as a negative for stupidly chanting overrated, but they made up for it with the USA chant after the game.

P.P.S. Reason I should not have cable: I stayed up until 2:30 AM so I could watch Under Siege. It is a great film.

Friday, October 29, 2010

College Football Thoughts

Alright, got a bunch of thoughts on sports today, with a heavy emphasis on tomorrow's game between Iowa and Michigan State.

First off, some analysis of what I noticed from Michigan State last week against Northwestern:
On the defensive side of the ball, they weren't very impressive against Northwestern. The one player that stood out was defensive tackle Jerel Worthy. He was the lineman that was really disrupting things in the passing game for them, but they didn't get much pressure from the outside during the game. With Iowa's offensive line looking better each game, Stanzi should have time to make plays in the passing game.

Even though he wasn't great last week, Greg Jones is a beast at middle linebacker. He was all over the field last year against the Hawkeyes and has been all over the field for most of his career at Michigan State. Brett Morse is a good blocking fullback, and he's going to have to be if A-Rob is going to have a good day.

Kirk Cousins isn't the greatest decision maker for a quarterback. He's not bad, but he will try forcing throws and he'll try to make something happen under pressure. Last year, this would have been a huge advantage for the Hawkeyes with how great Edds and Angerer were in coverage. This year, not so much, but Greenwood and Sash are both playmakers at safety, and I expect them to have their chances on Saturday.

I'm not sure how much of it was Northwestern's defense and how much of it was Michigan State's offense, but MSU's runs to the outside were not successful. Their stretch plays just seemed to take a long time to develop and they weren't able to seal off the outside at all.

As for their running backs, LeVeon Bell doesn’t look very explosive on his runs. It lmost looks like he’s jogging out there. I think Edwin Baker does a good job of keeping his legs driving, and is a much bigger threat in the ground game.

Now onto more random team thoughts:
Prince Amukamara has the same problem this year that he has last year. He takes chances early on, and he doesn’t have the pure speed to make up for mistakes when he does that. That's fine if you have safety help behind you, but he's taking chances when he's on an island. If he doesn’t play safer coverage, he’ll continually get beat deep. That being said, Justin Blackmon is a total stud, but he should probably stop driving drunk.

I only caught the end of the Florida State-NC State game last night, but Christian Ponder is at least a solid QB prospect. On that drive, he was able to scan the field while maintaining good pocket presence and mobility. He made a terrible fumble at the end, but he's a guy I'd like to watch against a good defense to see how he handles things. Unfortunately, he's in the ACC, so I'll have to wait for his bowl game to actually see that.

If you like football, you should definitely be reading the National Football Post. One of their main writers is former Iowa Safety, Matt Bowen. And if you don't like reading, they also have a podcast, where they discuss the pro game, the college game, and Bowen even discusses Buried Alive matches. It's awesome.

Speaking of NFP, here are some great tips for coverage techniques that should greatly help your next flag football team.

I think that's all I got for today. And I'm really hoping I don't have to write another impromptu post to explain why Iowa lost this week.

-Joe

P.S. Jersey Shore may be over, but you can still go through some great memories by checking this out which includes many stupid Situation faces like this one:

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Miller Lite Waitresses Are Bitches

Anyone who watches television is probably familiar with the newest ad campaign from Miller Lite where their basic message is "Man Up." Unfortunately, the campaign is a horrible failure, because despite being named "Man Up," it inevitably focuses on the female worker. Obviously, it's good for a man to see an attractive female in a position that is subservient to him, but these women don't know their place. These women backtalk like they actually have something important to say. It reminds me of the old adage, "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes...Nothing, you already told her twice." Anyway, let's get into how these entitled broads treat their paying customers.

The part that bothers me most about this commercial is the following exchange:
Dude: (referring to the bottle) What's so special about that one?
Waitress: Well, it's got grooves.

I understand it has grooves, but why does that make it special? Wait, you don't know smarty-pants waitress lady? Of course you don't. She tries to turn it into a conversation about his sunglasses, but this is just to deflect the fact that she is a brainless puppet who spouts off about a bottle that she knows very little about. Here is an alternate exchange with a smart waitress and me involved:

Me: What's so special about that one?
Waitress: It creates a vortex that literally blasts the liquidy goodness into the back of your throat.
Me: Sounds like it's more for the ladies.
Waitress: Do me now.

Now that's a commercial that would sell a product and be true to real life. Onto the next commercial:

I am only posting this commercial, because it is only trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator of people. Why is the guy wearing a skirt? If I'm a man, how does that guy relate to me? He doesn't. This exchange would have made just as much sense:

Guy: Can I get a light beer?
Waitress: Do you care how it tastes?
Guy: No, I don't really care.
Waitress: Well, when you stop getting gang raped by all those midgets, have a Miller Lite.

My version also makes no goddamn sense, but at least it would be visually entertaining. I like to imagine a really small midget balancing on his shoulder while banging him in the ear, while others are just pumping away at every part of his body. If you're not going to try to make sense, at least make it entertaining Miller Lite.

Onto the final commercial:

I'll admit it, I really like dragon guy, which really makes me want to have this waitress bite the curb. Who does she think she is telling this guy to change his clothes? Sir, there is nothing wrong with your dragons, and if you're scaring customers, then that's their problem, not yours. Here is how I would have handled this situation:

Me: What's wrong with my dragons?
Waitress: They're scaring the customers.
Me: If you think these dragons are scary, you should see the one hiding in my pants.
Waitress: Do me now.
Me: Sounds good, let me grab a Natty Light first.
Waitress: You are all that is man.
Me: Fact.

And that is a fact. Miller Lite Waitresses need to check themselves before they wreck themselves, because if they run into me, it seems like they are not going to be able to control their carnal lust and will want to love me long time. Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

-Joe

P.S. Is it just me or does Keith Stone seem like an inbred rape-hungry hillbilly?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Steel Magnolia's "Just By Being You"

Back by popular demand (this one's for you, Meryl), I am going to break down another song so you can understand exactly what the lyrics mean. This time, I will be breaking down Steel Magnolia's "Just By Being You." I hated this song when I first heard it, and I am disgusted by it now. Seriously, if you like this song, you're a sick piece of shit. Let's break it down.

Let's run away
Where nothing stands between me and you
Let's find a place
Somewhere a little closer to a dream
And call it a home
Where there's no right and wrong
And we can be all alone

Although it's a slow song, it's pretty clear what this dude is talking about. He's talking about banging this chick. Clearly, neither of these people are classy. He's looking for a place, a little closer to a dream, and call it a home. This is actually pretty disgusting. If you don't understand what he's referring to, let me spell it out for you, he's looking to bang this girl in a port-a-potty. It's quite obvious. The way the sunlight hits the port-a-potty always gives it a dream-like feeling (especially since people only use port-a-potties when heavily intoxicated). He bangs this point home when he says that there's no right or wrong, and they can be all alone. All he has to do is put the lock on, and everyone will know that the port-a-potty is occupied. I would think about making this a post for my quintessential guide to seducing women, but I hope that everyone knows that trying to bring a girl to a port-a-potty is not a great move.

Chorus
And I'll take off my halo
If you take off your wings.
You don't have to be invincible
Cause I sure ain't no saint
You'll always be my angel
No matter what you do,
Cause you take me to heaven just by being you

When first listening to this song, this was the part that always bothered me the most. Every single time I heard this song, I assumed that he would say, "I'll take off my halo, if you take off your pants." It just seems like pants was such a better fit for this song. Then I took a step back. And after I learned his plans in verse one, his lyrics made a ton more sense to me. Yep, he's talking about those wings.
Yes, these are the wings he wants his toilet lady to remove. Seriously bro, if you dabble in that, that's alright, but don't write a song about it. He then talks about her not being invincible, which is obvious since she's having lady troubles with her snizz. He talks about not being a saint (no shit), but she'll always be an angel. This is where he kind of plays off the situation, because even if she removes her wings, he won't think any less of her. Basically, this guy is just desperate to get laid. Really, really desperate.

Tell me a secret
Tell me things no one else should know
Even in your weakness
Baby drop your guard just let it go
Until everything's exposed
And you don't have to feel ashamed
Baby just say my name

I'll admit that the beginning of this first verse had me stumped for a little bit, as it is now a broad singing the lyrics. Then, unfortunately, it became disgustingly clear. His secret? Genital herpes. That's his weakness, and dropping his guard is a metaphor for dropping his pants. This hussy is still game despite him having herpes. She has exposed her monthly problem, he has exposed his herpes, and neither are ashamed by it (although they should be). She then wants him to say her name just so she can maintain at least one small bit of pride, but baby, after what you two have gone through, you will never have pride again.

They then go through the chorus again, which is again, absolutely disgusting, before going into the next verse.

When I see you standing there
You know it all becomes so clear
The way you look
The way you touch
I need the way you lift me up
This will never feel complete
Until there's nothing in between
And we have brought down every wall
And baby, baby, baby lets just fall

They start singing this one together just to really hammer home how despicable these two people really are. They actually agree that this won't feel complete until there is nothing in between. These sick fucks aren't even going to use a condom when she's bleeding and he's got herpes. It's like they think STDs are like Pogs, and the more you have, the cooler you are. It doesn't work that way.

They end the song by singing "Let's Run Away" multiple times. I wish they meant they were going to run away to a doctor to get their junk/lady junk checked out, but I know that's not the case. These two are probably looking to increase their pog collection with the ultimate slammer of STDs and hoping to run into a bummy with HIV.

I understand that I talk about some off-the-wall topics occasionally, but analyzing this song actually made me sick to my stomach. Please boycott these appalling pieces of shit.

-Joe

P.S. I'll admit that this makes me like Brian Wilson more.

P.P.S. Although this blog is primarily pro-puppies, there's still some love for kittens, especially if they're fainting.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

MTV and the 2010-11 Chicago Bulls

The Chicago Bulls season tips off tomorrow, and I figured I would give you a completely biased (and possibly horribly uninformed) look at this year's team. Since some people think I go overboard on pop culture and others hate it when I talk about sports, I have decided to tie in every Chicago Bulls player with someone on MTV so everybody can be happy (or everyone will hate it).

Omer Asik - How do you spell baller in Turkish? I bet every Turkish sportswriter knows from covering the crowned jewel of Turkey. Asik is probably the biggest celebrity coming out Turkey since Tarkan, you know the singer who some consider the "Prince of Pop." Wait, you didn't know? Geez people, get some culture and watch MTV Turkey every now and then. Back to Asik, he's going to be a beast off the bench, crashing boards, blocking shots, and probably banging multiple members of the Luvabulls. Expect him to be a candidate for the sixth man award.

Keith Bogans - Last I heard he was are starting shooting guard for opening night. Expect him to be like Puck on defense, because he is going to be causing all sorts of problems for opposing offenses. Being from Kentucky, this guy knows a thing or two about horses. If you're looking to pick a dark horse for an All-Star selection, look no further than this former Wildcat.

Carlos Boozer - His last name is Boozer. His brother went to Iowa State. Hey, we all have relatives we aren't proud of, can't hold that against him. Expect this guy to take full advantage of the night life in Chicago until he goes on a double date with Slutty & J-Cutty and meets the woman of his dreams, Lo from The Hills. Expect him to make the All-Star team.

Ronnie Brewer - Could there be a better team of players than Boozer and Brewer? Gar Forman, you magnificent bastard; this is a match made in Heaven. Brewer never gets tired as he survives strictly off Ron-Ron Juice, and you should see this fool at the club. There's something about Ronnies that dominate the club life.
Expect this guy to be the NBA's best wingman.

Luol Deng - This guy is the Ronnie-Sammi relationship. Everyone wants to get rid of it, but it's still there, hanging around, with occasional entertainment. Expect Deng's season to be the more exciting moments of Ron-Ron triple kissing two grenades instead of the times where Sammi got angry at nothing. Expect an All-Star selection for this handsome Devil (Get it? Because he went to Duke, so he was a Blue Devil. Yeah? Yeah.)

Taj Gibson - Weird name? Gritty? Scary to run into at night? Probably banged The Miz? Check, check, check, and well, hopefully not a check, but yes, Taj Gibson is the Coral of the Chicago Bulls. Expect him to lead the NBA in flagrant fouls, because he doesn't wrestle, he beats bitches up.

James Johnson - Yeah, poor James Johnson is definitely Brandon from this year's challenge. He's really trying his best to stay on the team, but the Bulls are looking for any reason to get rid of him. He was the Bulls first round pick, but they still nearly declined his option for this year. If the NBA institutes a gulag, wait for mad hysteria when James Johnson takes out Brian Cardinal. Otherwise, expect him to be the Mateen Cleaves of the Chicago Bulls.

Kyle Korver - Korver is unfortunately Dunbar. He appears to have all the tools to be great, but they both have fatal flaws that relegate them to role players. Korver can't play defense, and Dunbar is so uncoordinated that he would have a heart attack if he tried chewing gum while tying his shoes. Still, expect Korver to win the NBA 3-Point Shootout.

Joakim Noah - This is the easiest comparison as Noah is so clearly the Snooki of the Chicago Bulls. People who don't watch the show immediately hate Snooki and don't understand her appeal. She's not attractive, she's not smart, she really doesn't have much personality. There's no reason to like Snooki, yet she has captured the hearts of America. The same is true of Noah. Fans of other teams hate Noah and thinks he sucks. But they don't get it. He's not a great scorer, he's not terribly athletic, and he's certainly not attractive, but he is so much better than the sum of his parts. He hustles his ass off, and he has captured the hearts of Chicago Bulls fans. Expect him to be named Defensive Player of the Year.

Derrick Rose - The essential piece of the Chicago Bulls can be summed up in the NBA and MTV terms by three simple letters: M...V...P. Mike, Vinny, and Pauly provided all the entertainment for Season 2 of Jersey Shore, and expect Derrick Rose to do the same for the Chicago Bulls. The parallels are eerie as they were great in season one, but they showed a new swagger in season two. Expect Rose to have that same swagger as he cruises to NBA MVP.

Brian Scalabrine - Fucking worthless like Angelina. Expect him to be released by December.

Kurt Thomas - Thomas is like Derrick from all the challenges. He's gritty as all hell, but he never had the team around him to ever actually pull off the victory. Finally, Derrick won a challenge; expect the same fate for Kurt Thomas this year. Expect him to be NBA's Man of the Year.

C.J. Watson - Since he is backing up MVP, I think the most logical character is Jose from Jersey Shore. Watson also has an affinity for impressing his ladies with the finest of watches that Fossil has to offer, at $59.95, he knows how to treat a lady. Still, if we never see him, that'll mean that our MVP is tearing things up, and that's a good thing. Expect him to team up with Sylvia Fowles of the WNBA's Chicago Sky to win the Two-on-two competition during NBA's All-Star Weekend.

This is either the dumbest or most brilliant article I have ever written.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco just had puppies. Could there be any event more geared towards me in the history of the universe? I doubt it. Take a deep breath before looking at the picture, because it may be an overload of cuteness:

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween Sucks

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the chick DJ was talking with someone on the phone about haunted houses. They were both talking about how scary the haunted houses were, and the DJ commended this girl on the phone, because she was going to haunted houses. Then the DJ said that she won't go to the real haunted houses, only the fake ones.

Obviously, my reaction was pure shock as I couldn't believe this woman was smart enough to remember to breathe. Real haunted houses? That's a joke, right? But it wasn't. Personally, I think haunted houses are overpriced, and quite frankly, boring. Still, there are people out there stupid enough to believe that some places are really haunted. These people make great candidates to join the Tea Party since that group preys on fear, and if you believe things are haunted, you're fucking retarded.

I don't believe that anything is haunted. You know why? Because nothing is. I can be positive of this, because there's a Black Angel in Iowa City, and I chose to go face to face with this angel in the middle of the night despite knowing that anyone who did would be dead within a week. Wait, did I say face to face, maybe this picture will help me better describe it.
So maybe face to crotch would be a more accurate term. Yes, if you look closely, that is me getting ready to perform cunnilingus on the Black Angel. My friends and I sexually harassed this statue in every imaginable way, yet somehow, we are still alive.

Still, there are other things that people like about Halloween. At least you can eat a ton of candy. This doesn't help me at all, because I realized that my body rejects junk food. After I cut weight, I figured I would treat myself with a Five Guys Burger, Cheez-Its, chocolate chips and other junk food. My body quickly laughed at me, as I found out that junk food makes me much weaker, it also makes me bruise easier as well as get mat burn for the first time in months. So yeah, candy has no appeal to me.

Finally, the reason all guys love Halloween, and that is dressing up. Now most people don't really care about dressing up themselves, but since girls all dress as whorish as possible with no social repercussions; this holiday can act as a horny guy's Christmas. But even this part of Halloween has little appeal to me. First off, good costumes either take money or work, and I'm not interested in investing much of either for something that I will wear once. And even girls dressing down for Halloween doesn't interest me all that much. Girls dress pretty slutty year-round, so them dressing slutty on Halloween has lost some of its novelty.

Let's face it, Halloween just isn't that great of a celebration. I understand its appeal, but it will never be something that I look forward to. Plus, it's a necessity. Otherwise, pumpkin farmers would all be bankrupt, because nobody gives a shit about pumpkins the other 11 months of the year. Live on, Capitalism.

-Joe

P.S. I'm trying to figure out which is funnier. People finding my website by googling "Dick Soak" or people google imaging "Frank Reynolds Skinny Jeans". I've been battling with Urban Dictionary to be the number one result for Dick Soak, so if we could try to get me to number one, that'd be great. Also, I'm usually second in the image results for Frank Reynolds Skinny Jeans. And people thought this blog would never amount to anything.

P.P.S. You can also find this article by searching "dick soaking" or "Provo Soak".

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Why Iowa Lost

The Iowa Hawkeyes lost to the Wisconsin Badgers today. Let's get this part out of the way: That sucks.

After Iowa converted a fourth and one on a quarterback sneak with twelve seconds left, they easily could have gotten reset, spiked the ball and barely lost anytime on the clock while keeping their final timeout. Instead Kirk Ferentz decided to use the Hawkeyes last timeout. This was a bad decision.

After the timeout, Wisconsin did a good job of creating pressure and Stanzi tried to make a play. Instead of just throwing the ball away, he dumped it to Adam Robinson who was tackled inbounds, and time ran out. Hence, every Hawkeye fan's reaction was that Kirk Ferentz blew the game with poor clock management.

So let's pretend that Kirk didn't use that timeout. There's now 11 seconds left and Stanzi completes that pass to Adam Robinson, and the Hawkeyes use their final timeout after he is unable to get out of bounds. Iowa is left to try a 52 or 53 yard field goal with a true Freshman kicker who wasn't even originally offered a scholarship. That's not the best odds for a win right there.

As easy as it is to blame Ferentz for his time management gaffe, the biggest reason the Hawkeyes lost is they failed to execute on special teams. They left four easy points on the board, and when you're playing a team that is as evenly matched as Wisconsin, you simply can't do that. I was more upset that Iowa gave up the easiest fake punt in the history of college football. When there are only seven minutes left, and each drive is taking at least five minutes, you have to be aware of that possibility. And as much as I like Colin Sandeman, he isn't such an explosive returner that you need to give him a chance to take it to the house every time.

Another reason the Hawkeyes lost is that Wisconsin got yards when they needed them. The front seven slowed down the Wisconsin rushing attack, but in second and short, or third and short situations, Wisconsin never seemed to fail to convert the first down. Bravo to the Wisconsin offensive line and John Clay for consistently running through arm tackles.

Back to the end of the game. I know this is blasphemous, but maybe Kirk Ferentz is just bad at clock management. In the 2005 Capital One Bowl, it's not like Ferentz's clock management was brilliant. In fact, his inability to use his timeouts was a far more egregious error than today's mistake was. But Warren Holloway completed a miracle catch from Drew Tate, so all was forgiven and forgotten. Kirk is a coach that focuses intently on every aspect of what happens on the football field. That's a great characteristic. Still, sometimes he gets wrapped up into what is going on in the game and doesn't have time to fully analyze the best way to utilize timeouts. As much as Iowa fans want to believe he is, Ferentz is not a perfect coach, but he's a damn good one.

The Hawkeyes may have lost today, but if they win out, and Wisconsin loses one game, guess what? The Hawkeyes are smelling roses on the way to Pasadena. Iowa Hawkeyes, 11-2, Rose Bowl Champions, I'm not quite ready to call this season a disappointment.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not saying I'm always rational, as I still nearly threw my remote control through my TV when the game ended.

Friday, October 22, 2010

UFC 121 Picks

I haven't shown my awful prognostication skills in quite a while, so I figured that I might as well give it a try at the UFC event tomorrow night. I have no clue on a bunch of these matches, and since my research only makes me look like more a jackass, I've decided to just shoot from the hip and hope for the best.

Jon Madsen vs. Gilbert Yvel - Madsen will be able to take him down fairly easily, and he will be able to ground and pound his way to a decision.
Pick: Madsen

Chris Camozzi vs. Dongi Yang - With a name like Dongi Yang, he's probably used to get beaten up a lot. Expect that to continue as the more American sounding Camozzi puts a beating on him.
Pick: Camozzi

Mike Guymon vs. Daniel Roberts - Guymon looks really old, so I'll assume he fights like Ken Shamrock. That's not a good thing.
Pick: Roberts

Sam Stout vs. Paul Taylor - A dirty Canadian vs. a dirty Redcoat (is it too far past the Revolutionary War to keep calling British people Redcoats? I hope not). I'll take the dirty Canadian since he at least trains in America.
Pick: Stout

Patrick Cote vs. Tom Lawlor - Tom Lawlor once died his hair and grew a mustache for a fight so he could look like Dan Severn. That's really cool. Does that make him a better fighter? Probably not, but I certainly can't pick a dirty Canuck.
Pick: Lawlor

Ryan Jensen vs. Court McGee - Ryan Jensen trains at my gym. I have never spoken a word to him, and I might have trouble picking him out of a lineup of white guys who appear to weigh around 200 pounds. Still, we train in the same space, so maybe some of my greatness has rubbed off on him.
Pick: Jensen

Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Matt Schaub - Schaub got knocked out by Roy Nelson and then has beaten two guys that aren't very good. Gabriel Gonzaga once kicked Cro Cop so hard in the head that he hurt Cro Cop's ankle.
That's some scary shit.
Pick: Gonzaga

Matt Hamill vs. Tito Ortiz - Tito says that Matt Hamill is deaf so he has a soft head. This has no basis in actual science, so it's kind of like saying that chicks dig me, therefore I have extremely sharp elbows. The first part may be true, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the second part. Because Tito is weak in science (and skill), Hamill wins.
Pick: Hamill

Diego Sanchez vs. Paulo Thiago - Diego also trains at my gym. One time I gave him water when he was thirsty. He thanked me profusely for it, because he was really thirsty. I think this makes us best friends. I'm definitely not picking against my best friend.
Pick: Sanchez

Martin Kampmann vs. Jake Shields - Everybody is positioning this as a showcase fight for Shields so he can challenge GSP for the title. It is, but they gave him a really dangerous opponent. Kampmann is very good standing and on the ground. Still, his wrestling is not on the same level as Jake Shields's. I think he can get him to the ground and use his top control to win the fight.
Pick: Shields

Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez - This is the ultimate matchup of bad tattoo ideas. Brock Lesnar with the sword on his chest, and Velasquez with a tattoo that just says "Brown Pride". These guys really should have consulted Aleksander Emelianenko when it came to their tattoo ideas.
Jesus Christ, that is by far the coolest tattoo ever. That is the reason I cannot get a tattoo, because no matter what I got, it would not be as cool as that. Look at it. It is the god-damned Grim Reaper holding a baby. There's bats flying in the background. It's got some crazy Latin saying up top. And even the baby is badass as it is carrying a dagger and could slit the grim reaper's throat at any minute. Lesnar, Velasquez, your tattoos are fucking awful. Still, somebody's got to win.
Pick: Velasquez

-Joe

P.S. Even as a Hawkeye, I have to admit that Iowa State's new logo is fucking awesome, and I highly recommend that everyone click on that link.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Quick Thoughts

I've had some lucid, brilliant, offensive posts this week, so it's time to not elaborate so much and just get a few quick ideas out there (plus my Mom was worried about how offensive this week has been, especially to women).

First off, I was thinking about who my dream coach for Minnesota's football team would be. I quickly thought I was being too optimistic, but then I saw that, yes, Lou Holtz is a serious candidate. Holtz would ensure that Minnesota would be awful and that Shannon Sharpe would have the best lisp in sports broadcasting.

I watched a movie called Group Sex last week. Obviously, whenever I come across a title like that, see that it's a comedy, it's a guaranteed must watch for me. The movie obviously wasn't very good, so don't feel bad for not hearing about it. The two highlights of the movie are that it guest-starred the pride of Iowa, Tom Arnold, and the main girl, Odette Yustman, in the movie was kind of hot as she had a poor man's Jessica Alba feel to her. Since I'm a poor man, this would probably be the best Jessica Alba I could get.

I heard some really good one-liners this week that I feel like sharing:

The first was from the movie, Leaves of Grass, which was an above average movie. Ed Norton plays two characters and does a really good job, but they put a pointless controversy in the movie dealing with his sophisticated character's job. It was lazy writing, but the best line came from a drug dealer when he said, "I wish everyone in the world would give me a dollar and call me a cocksucker, because then I'd be rich and everyone would love me."

The other line came from the Daves of Thunder podcast (which is the most hilarious podcast out there, and I highly recommend giving it a listen). I often give advice on dealing with women, and here is a great one if you meet a girl and she is being a bitch to you.
Her: Blah, blah, blah, I'm a bitch.
You: You better watch it, you don't want to end up on my jerk list. There's only two people on it so far this week.
Her: Who?
You: Your parents for raising such an awful skank.
(Is that offensive to women? Shit, sorry Mom)

I feel like this could be a weekly feature on the blog, but here is my biggest complaint about The League from last week. For some reason, they were watching women's basketball. This bothered me not only because no guys would be watching women's basketball (and no, if they were attempting to be ironic, that does not make it any better), but because no form of women's basketball is in season during Week 2 of the NFL season.

In good TV news, I just got cable. I decided to turn on the TV, and I'm pleased to be greeted by Chuck Norris in the role of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Walker was tied down with scorpions crawling on him. Luckily, he convinced a nearby horse to untie him, so he could save that blond hussy before she was raped. Yep, that just happened.

Finally, a realistic portrayal of Fabio being your imaginary friend. Yeah, it'd be awesome.

-Joe

P.S. I know everybody is talking about the UFC card this weekend, but I would highly recommend trying to catch the Bellator card on Fox Sports Net. The only problem is that every carrier of FSN shows it at different times, so I can't say when it will actually air in your area. Still, it's two pretty badass title fights, and if you like MMA, it's well worth trying to figure out when it will be on.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How To Stay Unemployed

Any idiot can be unemployed, but to stay unemployed, to have the courage and determination to not work, well, that takes a little more effort. Luckily, I do not lack in effort when it comes to remaining a succubus upon society.

It's tough to want employment when you see that employers are portraying themselves as complete jackasses when it comes to the application process. Here are two questions that I had to answer when applying for a job recently:

What challenge have you overcome that you are most proud of?
What is your biggest sales story?

These questions are fucking retarded. Best sales story? Are you kidding me? I did sales for three years and can't remember a single story. I feel bad for people who are actually wasting brain power on remembering that time that they upgraded that client after a bomb-ass sales pitch. I would lead an awful existence if I could recount sales stories but fail to remember the time that we branded my buddy with a fork. Branding is something that deserves a spot in the memory bank, remembering when you convinced somebody to go from a 5-game to a 10-game plan means that your life is worthless.

And back to the first question. The biggest challenge I have faced in my life is not answering this question with a string of expletives that would make your mother faint. Fortunately, I did not write my original thoughts on these questions; I chose to go a different angle. Below are my actual responses (with names changed to hide identities) to my application for a management position with a sports organization.

What challenge have you overcome that you are most proud of?

Picking my favorite challenge that I have overcome would be like picking my favorite Iowa Hawkeye. It's impossible, hence I will have to call this a ten-way tie.

1. Overcoming my great looks and being taken seriously in the work place.
2. Going from 180 pounds to 150 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.
3. Winning my first grappling match.
4. Using the innovative methods of West Coast Dance to go undefeated in dance-offs.
5. Making it through the movie Transformers without committing suicide.
6. Being incredibly intelligent, I'm proud to be able to dumb it down so I am able to communicate with the peons of everyday life.
7. Popping my shirt off and having the ladies say, "Wow, now that's a six pack summer."
8. Outlasting my manager at my last job, despite him trying to get me fired.
9. When everyone told me that I couldn't do it, I still persevered and started a blog.
10. Becoming the Swiss Army Knife of employees for the Quad Cities River Bandits, as there was no job I couldn't do.

What is your biggest sales story?

I sold you on offering me this job. Although the interview has not happened, here is a rough draft of what will go down.

GM: Why should we hire you?
Hott Joe: Because I am awesome.
AGM: And very handsome.
Owner: Agreed, you should be in movies. You've got the "it" factor.
Hott Joe: Well, Owner, how about you put me in the role of Assistant General Manager. I guarantee that movie is a box office success. Heck, I'll even move to [Redacted] if you want me to.
Owner: That's the greatest idea I have ever heard. Mascot, what do you think?
(Mascot nods happily)
GM: If you're good with the mascot, you're good with me, what say you AGM?
AGM: Ugh, he's a dumbass, but I guess so.
Hott Joe: I accept.

Booyah! You just got yourself an AGM, and that is my biggest sales success story.

************

Even with my brilliant answers to their asinine questions, I have yet to be offered an interview. Does this worry me? Not at all. It's their loss. The job scene is much like the dating scene for me; I'm a catch, so I don't need to settle for anything less than the best. Employers take note, because just like I tell the bitches, "You better bring your A game if you want a shot at this."

-Joe

P.S. I also applied for a job with the Yankees where they asked me if I had experience selling in the New York market. My response was this:
No, but I have sold in Davenport, which some consider the New York of Eastern Iowa.

For some reason, they haven't called back either.

P.P.S. This will make you happy:
A lot of my .gif images have not been working after a couple hours, so if it isn't showing up, click here to enjoy the greatness.

P.P.P.S. In news nobody wants to hear about, asparagus makes my urine smell awful, but I think it also gives me a stronger stream. This is a trade-off I will happily make.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Jason Aldean's "My Kinda Party"

I am guessing that most people have heard this song. And I am also guessing that most people think it is pretty badass. I know that is what I thought when I first heard it. But then, after examining the lyrics closely, this song is actually far different than what I originally thought it was. If you haven't heard it yet, take a quick listen, as I will be breaking it down after the video.


I worked all week.
Cleaned up, clean cut, and clean shaved.
Got the cover off a ’68.
I fired it up, and let them horses sing.
A little pretty thing.
A little tan leg Georgia dream.
She’s a rockin’ them holey jeans.
Baby, what you got goin’ on Saturday?
You know, words got it, there’s gonna be a party,
Out of town about half a mile.
Four wheel drives and big mud tires.
Muscadine wine

First verse, everything is cool, long work week, but decided to clean up so he can impress his lady friend. She’s going pretty casual, but that works, because they’re going to a country party. A very solid opening verse, then we get to the chorus.

[Chorus]
Oh baby, you can find me.
In the back of a jacked up tailgate.
Sittin’ ‘round watchin’ all these pretty things.
I Get down in that Georgia clay.
And I’ll find peace.
In the bottom of a real tall cold drink.
Chillin' with some Skynyrd and some old Hank.
Lets get this thing started.
It’s my kind of party.

This is when the song basically becomes the epitome of awesomeness. It basically sounds like a badass party in the middle of a field with tons of fine women and beer. This hook is completely badass. Skynyrd and Hank, hell yeah, this is my kinda party. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m fully erect right now. There’s no way he could ruin this song…

Well if you wanna drink.
Go on baby, just do your thing.
But give up your keys.
Hell why drive when you can stay with me?

And I’m soft again. Now let me just say that I am against drunk driving, but there is a time and place for that. In country music, I want it promoted. Country music is not for the sober or socially responsible, it is for rednecks, hicks, and hillbillies. And it’s not like this is necessary. What these four lines really need to convey is that if this broad drinks, she needs to sober up by the morning, because she isn’t going to be staying past her welcome. A real man would let this broad know that it was a privilege that you let her get down with you, but when daylight hits, she needs to hit the road.

At this point, despite their being a ton of badass shit in this song, I am convinced that this song sucks ass. There is nearly no chance that Jason Aldean could turn this song around at this point. Let’s keep going.

And then after while we’ll sneak away from the bonfire.
Walk by the moonlight and down to the riverside.
Gotcha sippin’ on the moonshine.
Baby, if you’re in mood and you can settle for a one night rodeo.
If you can be my tan-legged Juliet,
I’ll be your Redneck Romeo.

Jason Aldean, you magnificent son of a bitch. I did not expect you to take the angle you did, but God bless you for doing it. Most of you are probably confused right now as to how he turned it around, so I’m going to walk you through this slowly, because it is a pretty badass move that Jason Aldean has pulled off in this song.

He gets her away from the party and gets her to sip on some “moonshine.” Maybe I’m reading between the lines, but doesn’t it sound like that shit is laced with enough roofies to knock out a horse? That’s what I thought at first, but I have to admit that I was wrong. You see, the reason he has to steal her keys is actually because that moonshine is laced with LSD. He has no clue about her reaction to the drug. The reason he wants her keys is not because she might drive, it’s because it’s a bad idea to give anything sharp to someone all fucked up on LSD. Wise move Jason, although you plan on having a one night rodeo, I can tell that this isn’t your first rodeo. The homage to Shakespeare at the end isn’t meant for romance, it’s a simple fact that people fucked up on LSD will talk about all types of crazy shit. Plus, it’s better to get her thinking about the romantic Shakespeare shit and not the Hamlet shit so he doesn’t get stabbed in his sleep. Jason is clearly a savvy veteran when it comes to lacing girl’s drinks with LSD. Bravo, Mr. Aldean, Bravo.

He then goes through the chorus a couple more times to reiterate how badass this song really is. Jason Aldean, after examining this song, it is clear to me that you know how to throw “My Kinda Party.”

-Joe

P.S. I don't know why, but I love the following song. I know nobody will admit to loving it too, but if you do, just realize you're not alone. I rock out way too hard to this song, and yes, I hit all the high notes.


P.P.S. And just to redeem myself, here is the only song that could ever replace "Beer is Good" by Psycostick as my favorite song to wake everybody up for tailgating.

I feel like the lyrics about the Freedom Bowl still work, because I'm pretty sure Ricky Stanzi refers to every bowl as the Freedom Bowl.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women - The Follow Up

It is time for another installment of my critically acclaimed series on how to get with the ladies, The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women. In the past, I have given you the keys to success on the dance floor and also reminded you that men are prizes, so you don't have to buy drinks for cheap (and probably unsavory) broads. Now it is time to learn how to follow up with the ladies after you have already stimulated them with conversation (and possibly more).

To start off, this is going to focus on ladies that you have met but not made love on yet. If you have already made love on her, I'll break down your follow up game quite quickly.

1. If you made love on her right, she'll be contacting you.
2. Why would you want to follow up? She's served her purpose.

But say you have met some classy young dame that you did not sleep with upon first introduction. Hey, nothing wrong with that. It happens to the best of us. First off, never assume that she does not want to fornicate with you, because if you have followed my previous instructions, trust me, she probably does, or she's a lesbian. Anytime this happens to me, I usually just assume that it's that time of the month, maybe she ate a big burrito and does not want to accidentally fart during a passionate night of love-making, or she's a lesbian.

A casual follow up text is a pretty money maneuver but make it worthwhile. Some broad tried to follow up with me with a "Hey" text. That's it, just "Hey". I decided at that moment that she would not be getting at my lovelies. A good text is fun and a little flirty. Here's one off the top of my head:

"Hey, how great was I in your sex dream last night? You were only so-so."

No girl will not respond to this message, because females are simple beings that cannot resist ambiguous challenges. If you tell a girl she was only so-so in your dream, she will either claim that I was awful in her dream, or she will say that my dream wasn't very realistic. If she goes with the second response, you're in like Flynn. If she goes with the first one, just reply with, "I'll take that as extremely great." Since you've already prefaced everything with your greatness, it's just a matter of how great you were. This is why I am a genius.

But say, even with the flirty text, this girl is being a flake about meeting up with you. This is where you must realize that this is not an issue with you. This is an issue with her. Again, it could be a bad time of the month, she could have irritable bowel syndrome, or she could be a lesbian. Just give her some time so she can realize what she's missing out on, and you'll be golden.

Patience is a virtue, and for those of you who lack it, I am going to go over two things that you can never, under any circumstance, do to try and impress a girl, because it will backfire.

The first mistake has been exhausted on Jersey Shore. Vinny has been showing us what not to do when it comes to seducing the ladies. Vinny initially fell in love with a girl who dances with little clothing on at a night club, because she talked to him (because she's paid to). Anyway, Vinny falls in love with her and invites her on a double date with Pauly D and his broad. She says no. Then he begs for her to come. Do not beg to women. It will NEVER work (The only time I ever beg a girl is when I beg her to stop bragging to all of her friends about how great it was when I made love on her). So after Vinny begs, she says she'll meet him. He waits the entire night for her to show up, and she never shows up, never even calls. He is made to look like a jackass, and I can't feel sorry for him, because that is exactly what he is.

I know what many of you are thinking. He eventually got the girl. Him begging is not the cause that led to the effect. She didn't get with him because he begged; she got with him because she wants to be famous. Let's face it, this girl is basically a Dangerous Curves (Dangerous Curves is a strip club in Ames where they can only strip down to bikinis; I go there often for great laughs and great drink specials) stripper, only in Miami. Clearly she's desperate. It's not a bad move. If I really wanted to be famous, I could probably bang Snooki, since when most people meet me, they immediately assume that I'm a juicehead gorilla. But I am not nearly that desperate for fame. Begging NEVER works. If you beg, you'll end up like Vinny, if you don't beg, you'll end up like this guy.
I'm definitely taking option number two.

The next problem is the only thing worse than begging. Say you've become quite smitten with a young scoochie, but she just keeps flaking on you. You feel like you have exhausted all of your options. You know that if she just met up with you, you two could have a great time. Unfortunately, she just refuses to realize this. You decide to pull out your Ace in the hole. There's just one problem. What you think is an Ace is actually just going to turn you into a Joker. So for the love of God, do not send her a picture of your cock. I know it seems like a surefire game changer, and it is, but the only game you'll be playing is which lawyer gives me the best chance of staying out of prison. You should never think to yourself that a girl will be yours if only she could see a picture of you holding your dick in your hand. No woman, in the history of mankind, has ever been on the fence about a guy, gotten sent a picture of his penis, and decided, "Yes, this is the man for me." Think about this. I know that if a girl sent me a picture of her love box, it would be immediately sent to all of my buddies so we could have a good laugh at the desperation of this scooch. This isn't mean, because I would expect women to do the exact same thing.

It's real simple guys. Do not beg. Do not send a girl a picture of your junk. Keep it fun. Keep it flirty. Use patience. Patience=Poontang...unless she's a lesbian.

-Joe

P.S. I was checking the traffic of my blog this weekend and noticed I had a new comment on an old article about hippies and how emos should kill themselves. I want to thank everyone who has commented either on this site or via Facebook, but this is by far the best comment I have ever received:
fiaa94 said...

i believe that you are the lowest person on this earth..u should be ashamed of this essay or whatever you believe in

fiaa94 - You are the reason I keep writing. You are my inspiration. Thank you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Grappling Tournament

I got to the tournament, and it is really a lot of sitting around. My division was the last division to go, so I got to sit back, relax and watch other people get all grapply with each other. Finally, after hours of watching grappling, my division was finally called upon. The only problem was that they forgot to put me in the bracket, so I became a last second replacement for some guy named Bye.

When my match was coming up, I'll admit the anticipation got to me, and I peed a little bit before the matches started. For me, it's not so much nerves as it is more than I just get really anxious for things to start. I hope no rich ladies who want to support me financially read this and are turned off by it, but hell, a little pee never hurt anybody. I could keep it in if I focused, but I like to stay relaxed so if a little squirts out, it ain’t gonna phase me.

Before I get into the matches, I just want to apologize. When I was grappling, I was not thinking about the blog, and that was inconsiderate of me. My matches were boring. Super boring. Basically, imagine the most boring MMA fight you have ever seen, and then take away all the strikes. These were my grappling matches, and I’m sorry for that. Hence, I’ll only go over the highlights of my matches.

Match One – I shot in on a single, held there for about two minutes, finally finished my takedown, and nothing else happened. Hence, I won the match.

This is when I learned how tiring grappling really is. After that first match, my entire upper body was burning. My arms were shaking so badly that I could barely drink water without spilling on myself. I just took deep breaths and tried to recover as much as I could in the time between matches.

Match Two – I took on a guy who got a bye in the first round. I took the lead early with a takedown, he tied it up, and then scored with fifteen seconds left. If he wouldn’t have had a bye, I probably would have won, but that’s just a weak ass excuse. I didn’t do what I needed to do.

Match Three – Douchebag kid takes a lead on me late. He had me in his guard, so I picked him up and slammed him. It looked something like this.
Except not really since I only slammed him from my knees, but the kid reacted like that is what happened. I almost got disqualified for it, but there were only like twenty seconds left, and he took two minutes to recover and then just held onto me for the win. The good news from this match is he was unable to continue in the tournament. So basically, I’m a rule-breaking monster who hurts people. Yes, this was definitely the highlight of my tournament. And honestly, I had a ton of people come up to me and say that my slam was great and that the kid I was facing was just a whiny little bitch, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I ended up talking with my coach for about half an hour. He told me that I was the person that they were least worried about coming into the tournament, because I looked so dominant in practice. This is good that I looked dominant, but it’s also a way of saying that I was kind of a disappointment in the tournament. Still, my coach suggested that I start going to the 10:30 class which is the invite-only class that all the pros go to. Am I going to go to that class? God no. That class would interfere with my pretty, and ain’t nothing gonna interfere with my pretty.

The tournament was a really good experience. I learned a ton, and I realized my biggest mistake was that I just didn’t have enough swagger going into it. If I would have gone in with the attitude that nobody was going to submit me no matter what I did, I could have ran through people and made it to the finals, but instead I played it safe. I was facing guys who had somewhere between two and six times as much experience as me, yet I was never in any danger. My problem was that I made minor mistakes that cost me matches. A wild pace with lots of scrambles can lead to bad things, but it’s also when I’m at my best because I almost always end up in a better position when a scramble is involved. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Also, did I mention that I injured a guy? Yeah, that was awesome.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody is interested, I'm not sure what my body weight was on the day of the tournament, but I was back up to 148 by Monday, and I'm at 150 right now.

P.P.S. I’ve got a lot of pop culture coming next week, so if you thought my life was boring to read about, don’t worry, I’ve got some good social commentary already planned out.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Weight Cut: Week 1


If there's one thing I know about women, it's that each and every one of them thinks that they're overweight. Well ladies, I got great news for you; I am going to show you how to lose twelve pounds in twelve days. You might even be able to lose more, because I had to trim weight off a body that is pure twisted steel and sex appeal, while you have a body that is pure jello lady. So here is my retro diary on my first week of weight cutting.

It's Wednesday, and weight cutting is not fun. I knew this going into it, but I thought it would be a good experience that I could look back on and laugh. Currently, I feel no reason for laughter. I basically gave myself twelve days to cut twelve pounds (from 152 to 140). The first three days, I have been trimming down my meals. It’s not that I’m in pain, but I am hungry, and I don’t like being hungry. Honestly, things have been pretty smooth so far, but it’s only the beginning.

After three days of dieting my way, I finally got some advice from one of my coaches, Little John. Now breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is my second biggest, and dinner is either extremely small or just a protein shake. I’m trying to cut out all solids after 5:00, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Thursday was actually a pretty solid day for me considering everything. I’ve been limiting my food intake, and Thursdays are always the roughest practice of the week, but I absolutely flew through all the conditioning and picked up some snazzy sweeps from guard when we worked on technique. Despite being hungry and having legs that already felt exhausted, I went for a four-mile run that night.

On Friday, I woke up and had a big meal of angel hair pasta and tuna with some sauce to top it off. This is not a glamorous meal, but this is the biggest meal that I have had this week so it was a great delight. After that meal settled, I went for a six mile run around noon. I wanted to get a good run in when the sun was really beating down to try to burn off as much weight as possible. My legs were sore going into it, but I persevered and ended up having a solid, though not spectacular, run. For lunch, my meal got blander as I had brown rice and tuna. Yep, that’s it. But here is the best thing about cutting weight: Every meal tastes awesome. I devoured that meal like it was Benihana. A little after that, I demeaned myself and went to Wal-Mart to weigh myself, because the scale at my gym is unreliable. Let me say, it is extremely awkward to take your wallet, keys, and cell phone out of your pocket, kick off your shoes, and weigh yourself at a Wal-Mart while a 250 pound woman with a cane just stares at you. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move, she just stared. The good news is that I’m at 148. As long as I’m at 145 or lower, it shouldn’t be an awful day in the sauna when I hit it up on Friday. I’m definitely happy with my progress so far, but each pound is going to get harder and harder to lose.

On Saturday, I went for a three mile run, because I didn't have the energy for more. Saturday night was a depressing experience as I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my buddy to watch his Oregon State Beavers and my Iowa Hawkeyes. The games turned out well, but I had to order a water and a salad at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm pretty sure all the waitresses thought I was a fruit.

On Sunday, I ran another four miles before the NFL games started. It's really sad how good all food looks when watching commercials. I can honestly say that at this moment, the Taco Bell Big Box looks like the most glorious thing ever. Watching that commercial, I got a semi. I know that I would have to sit on the toilet while eating that meal, because it would literally drop straight through my system, but Goddamn, at the time, it seems totally worth it.
************
And that's week one of my cut, approximate weight is 147-148 after cutting down on my meals. The first week wasn't awful as I had my pasta, sauce and tuna combo, my brown rice and tuna, and I also allowed myself to have cereal until my milk ran out. My meals get smaller and blander in week two.

-Joe

P.S. I would like to thank the show Mad Men for trying to get me addicted to heroin by describing it in the most awesome way possible. If this doesn't make you want to try heroin, then absolutely nothing will: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” I think I could be pretty satisfied by a lot of activities if someone licked my tits while I was doing it, but maybe that's just me.

P.P.S. Yes, I went to Fat Chicks in Party Hats to get the image at the top.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I Should Be An Ultimate Fighter

Just kidding. That title was only to get people’s attention. I am far too big of a wuss to ever consider competing in MMA. I currently have very little desire to get punched in the face; I’ve heard that you need to do that to be a fighter, so it’s probably not for me.

On the other hand, since moving to Albuquerque, I have started taking submission grappling (submission grappling is best summed up by saying that it is basically MMA (UFC) without any of the striking) classes at Jackson’s MMA. For those of you who are fans of MMA, you’ve probably heard the name Greg Jackson as he’s one of the most well-regarded trainers in the sport. For those of you that don’t know much about the sport, just know, my gym is pretty legit as it is considered one of the best in the world.

One thing I do know is that this gym is a fantastic place for me. When people think MMA training facility, they assume it is nothing but meatheads working to hurt people to show who is the toughest. It’s nearly the complete opposite down here. Yes, there are some meatheads, but they usually don’t last long, as the gym really stresses looking out for training partners and nearly everyone is working to help get everybody better.

Now, I could lie and say that I immediately went in there and started tapping out black belts, but even though really na├»ve people might believe me, it’s not worth lying about it. When I started out, I got my ass kicked. Early on, I bruised my sternum so bad that I had to lay perfectly still in bed to have any hope for sleep, because rolling over would cause me excruciating pain. I had a rib contusion that took about six weeks to fully heal. And my favorite injury, the one that proves that I’m a grappler is that I developed cauliflower ear that made my ear literally double in size (yet did not give me more advanced hearing). But honestly, shit happens, and my injuries are extremely tame (and my ear eventually reverted back to its normal size).

So, after four months, am I a badass? No, I’m not, but I’m a hell of a lot better than I used to be. Every bit of my grappling has improved. Despite losing weight, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I’m, without question, in the best shape of my life. Maybe the craziest thing that I learned is that my experience of wrestling in 7th and 8th grade actually made me better than at least 80% of the people in my class at wrestling, so thanks Mr. Medema and Mr. Verdon.

Although I know that I have gotten better, I still wanted to test myself. So I entered the Southwest Grappling Championship this past weekend to see how far I have come. These next few days, I’ll be going over the weight cut (just as fun as it sounds), and how I did in the actual grappling tournament. If you think I’m a loveable asshole, this week will be informative and at least mildly entertaining. If you think I’m an unbearable asshole, stay tuned, because unless I win a championship, this story ends with me getting my ass kicked. Everybody wins (except for probably me).

Tomorrow: Week One of Weight Cutting

-Joe

P.S. In case anybody was looking for it, I found the epitome of a douchebag on the Internet over the weekend, and lo and behold, he actually showed up on my Facebook news feed:
Most people would just notice the disturbingly large and outrageously flamboyant sunglasses and determine a high level of doucheness for this person, but there is plenty of douche-gold in this picture. Another huge factor is that he dresses like that and he can't even find a person to take a picture of him in his ridiculous outfit so he is forced to hold out the camera and take the picture himself while partially blocking the lens with his thumb. Notice the incredibly small polo that he is still unable to fill the sleeves in. He's also wearing what appear to be pro-America beads, but seeing this representation of America would bring a tear to Ricky Stanzi's eye. My favorite part is the girl in the background who this clown clearly has a crush on but is afraid to talk to. He definitely took this picture so he could add this to his spank bank for later on. What a douche.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Bullies Aren't As Bad As Creeps

I think this story is relatively old, but it keeps popping up in my world, so I figured I would comment. Honestly, this story isn't that interesting, so it's disappointing that it has crossed paths with someone like me who hasn't seen the news in at least five months.

Here's the gist of the story, a gay kid was getting down with another gay kid, and his roommate secretly taped it. I'll admit, I wanted to be on the bullies side on this, because I feel it's always good to disagree with Ellen Degeneres since she's a talentless hack. Unfortunately, that's pretty fucked up. And what bothers me more is that is just really creepy. I have no desire to see any of my friends have straight sex, much less watch them have gay sex. I don't know how an idea of taping a gay encounter crosses someone's mind and they decide that it's a good idea.

So, the roommate broadcasts the encounter over the internet, and the gay kid jumps off a bridge and kills himself. So now it gets a ton of national media attention, and apparently bullying is now being targeted as some sort of evil. Bullying isn't evil, because everybody gets bullied on some level. What people need to focus on is people doing creepy shit. Taping your roommate doing anything private is creepy. Then posting it on the internet is creepy. Also, the people that watch that are creepy.

Sure, Ellen comes out, I think Dougie Howser has done some stuff too, but those people are completely uninteresting to me. Who's interesting to me? Brittany Snow. Why? Because she is super hot, and super hot people usually make good points (this blog being a shining example of that). But, oh Brittany, you have let me down. I understand that most of Hollywood is a few notches below functioning retards when it comes to intelligence, but wow does this ever come across as stupid. You can watch the video here, but I will transcribe it for those unable to click on links.

"Hi, I'm Brittany Snow. When I was in middle school and high school, I was picked on daily by a bully. I was mistreated and disrespected. It led me to feel alone and hopeless. After years of struggle, I finally overcame it and became stronger. And now I know that love is louder."

This is what Brittany Snow looks like:
It must have been awful as kids picked on her for how great looking she was. I'm sure all kids that have been picked on can totally relate to a smoking hot Hollywood actress. I'm impressed that she overcame her struggle and became stronger from it. These are the type of people that are true threats to society. People who identify with struggles that have nothing to do with their lives are creeps. If someone is abused for their race, I can't identify with that, so if I tried to, I'd just come across as an asshole. It's the same thing with Brittany here. She has such a low sense of reality that she might be a danger to society. People with common sense don't videotape their roommates' private matters and they don't identify with gay kids being picked on because they were picked on for being so great looking. These people are creeps. Bullies may be mean, but creeps are dangerous. Brittany Snow, as hot as you might be, you're still a creep.

-Joe

P.S. Brittany, if you're reading this and would like to refute any of my points, I will gladly discuss any of my thoughts with you over a candlelit dinner. Maybe you can change my mind. Wearing something skimpy won't hurt.

P.P.S. Credit to Bergie for pointing this out, as in our fantasy baseball league, it was a great year for vaginas. Team Cunt Pounder and Team Vertical Smile tied for the championship. Even Team Pussylicker made the playoffs. Unfortunately, Team CervixExplosion barely missed the playoffs. Not a great year for penises, as Team Stinky Hangdown was the worst team in the league.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Speaking of...

As a writer, I felt like I needed to post something to start this week.

Speaking of worthless people, fat people pissed me off this week. Honestly, I have no problem if you are fat, and you make the necessary adjustments to not let your fatness affect me. But when you don't make those adjustments, it does not sit well with me. The latest example of this was when I was getting my shirtless run on (I mention shirtless so the ladies can get a nice mental image going). No skinny person ever does this, but for some reason, fat people decided that they should not walk on either side of the sidewalk, they should walk directly in the middle of the sidewalk. Could they get over when they see a runner coming? No, because they're fat, and they might tip over into someone's yard, or (hopefully) into oncoming traffic. Fat people, get the fuck out of my way.

Speaking of things that bother me, I hate big sunglasses. I am completely unable to identify people I have known for years if they are wearing sunglasses that cover half their face. It reminds me of a time where some broad that I made out with near the end of one school year (she took advantage of me while I was intoxicated) walked by me during the beginning of the next school year. I walked right by her, and she said hi as I was crossing by. I looked like an asshole for not saying anything, but it's her fault, because I can't recognize somebody from the lower half of the face. All I knew is that it wasn't Tom Selleck, because the person definitely didn't have an award winning mustache. Had I noticed this tasty treat, who knows what could have happened? I may have let her bang me (and if any family member is reading this, bang me means banging down the doors to my heart, having a wonderful, long relationship until we get married and we share our sacred flowers with each other).

Speaking of tasty treats (a term I plan on using with reckless abandon), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was brilliant this past week. When I go out for tasty treats, I'm not even going to spit game, I'm just going to let the implication do the work for me. Ladies don't say no as long as there's an implication of danger. God bless implications.

Speaking of shows on FX, I think The League is an extremely overrated show. I thought the end of last season and the beginning of this season were actually really good, but it's been pretty poor outside of that. This past week's episode is what I'm assuming watching The Hills must be like. Just mind-bogglingly stupid. I know they like having pro football players on the show to make the producers feel cool, but it serves no goddamn purpose. It's the same thing every time, "Hello Mr. Famous Football Player, please play well so my fantasy team wins. Thanks." Is that necessary? No. This would have just been simple poor writing, but (in this fictional world) Terrell Suggs and Josh Cribbs both went to Chicago in the middle of the week between their first and second games. Cribbs spent at least two days in Chicago. Eric Mangini must be a very understanding coach.

Speaking of famous world-class athletes, you really didn't think this blog post was going to pass up a chance to bring up Jose Canseco, did you? I'll let Jose take it away:
JoseCanseco I am so glad everyone out there has a perfect life,maybe putting me down makes u feel better glad I can help
If you think that putting Jose down to make yourself feel better will make Jose a worse person, well buddy, you are sadly mistaken. Take it away Jose.
JoseCanseco No matter how much you hate me or lie about me or put me down,I will always help someone in need and stick up for the truth
Boom, Jose loves the truth and people in need. There is nothing you can do to change that. As always, I love Jose Canseco.

Speaking of Jose Canseco, I think it's time to end this shit.

-Joe

P.S. This is a clever idea that has actually helped a barber shop's business grow:
I just don't understand why anyone would want to get their haircut while looking at an inferior body. Wait. What's that? Not everyone has as perfect of a physique as myself. Nevermind then, forget I said anything.