Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.
Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?


P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Review of a Fantasy Football Draft - Part Two

It is now time for part two of the fantasy football draft review. If you haven't seen part one yet, check it out, as it goes over my team, which is awesome.

6Michael Vick, Phi QB
19Vincent Jackson, SD WR
30Peyton Hillis, Cle RB
43Dallas Clark, Ind TE
54BenJarvus Green-Ellis, NE RB
67Percy Harvin, Min WR
78C.J. Spiller, Buf RB
91Lee Evans, Bal WR
102Michael Bush, Oak RB
115Nate Kaeding, SD K
126Mike Sims-Walker, StL WR
139Danny Amendola, StL WR
150Patriots D/ST D/ST
163Jerome Simpson, Cin WR
Strengths: Michael Vick has the potential to be a dominant force in fantasy football. Just having him makes the team a little scary to face since he is the most likely player to put up a game-changing performance. Vincent Jackson is a big-time number one receiver on an offense with a great quarterback, so he can definitely put up some numbers. I also like the late selection of Lee Evans.

Weaknesses: If Vick gets hurt, this team is done. The running backs leave a lot to be desired, but I may just be racist against white people.  Also, Dallas Clark has no quarterback currently, so that could be bad, but he and Nate Kaeding are both from Iowa, so I'm certainly not betting against them.

Overall: When Vick gets hurt, this team goes from pesky to atrocious. I can't wait to stash Mike Kafka on my roster just to really stick it to him when Vick goes down.

4Jamaal Charles, KC RB
21Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR
28Mike Wallace, Pit WR
45Tony Romo, Dal QB
52Beanie Wells, Ari RB
69Marshawn Lynch, Sea RB
76Daniel Thomas, Mia RB
93Jimmy Graham, NO TE
100Jordy Nelson, GB WR
117Matt Cassel, KC QB
124Ben Tate, Hou RB
141Rob Bironas, Ten K
148Browns D/ST D/ST
165Kendall Hunter, SF RB
Strengths: His strength is in his lack of weakness. Everything is solid on this team. He's got a ton of depth at running back which is always nice, and he took some high upside chances near the end with Tate and Hunter. I also love Larry Fitzgerald this year. Actually, I just love Larry Fitzgerald.

Weaknesses: I don't like Jamaal Charles. Charles could make me look like a jackass, because I seem to be the only person against him, but it is my personal preference to avoid him. I don't see him averaging over six yards per carry again this year, and I also don't see him taking that many more carries away from Thomas Jones. 

Overall: I don't have a ton to say about this team, except that they're just plain good. 

2Arian Foster, Hou RB
26DeAngelo Williams, Car RB
47Matt Schaub, Hou QB
50Santonio Holmes, NYJ WR
64Mario Manningham, NYG WR
71Tim Hightower, Wsh RB
74Ryan Grant, GB RB
95Joe Flacco, Bal QB
98Greg Olsen, Car TE
119Reggie Bush, Mia RB
122LaDainian Tomlinson, NYJ RB
143Zach Miller, Sea TE
146Bears D/ST D/ST
167Adam Vinatieri, Ind K
Strengths: Good quarterback and a ton of possibilities at running back. Sure, just about all of them have a question mark around them, but with that sort of depth, he should find at least two reliable guys in that mix.

Weaknesses: The top talent isn't there since he traded a second rounder for a sixth rounder. Wide receiver is a definite weak spot for him. Unless Mark Sanchez gets hurt and Greg McElroy takes over, Holmes probably isn't going to have a big year, and Manningham should be solid but never spectacular.

Overall: This team is okay, but the only way they're going to win against a good team is if that team has an off-week as I just don't see them having the horses to put up the 100+ points necessary to compete with the big dogs.

5Aaron Rodgers, GB QB
20Darren McFadden, Oak RB
29Reggie Wayne, Ind WR
44Brandon Lloyd, Den WR
53Jahvid Best, Det RB
68Fred Jackson, Buf RB
77Owen Daniels, Hou TE
92Santana Moss, Wsh WR
101Steelers D/ST D/ST
116Jacoby Ford, Oak WR
125Montario Hardesty, Cle RB
140Donovan McNabb, Min QB
149Alex Henery, Phi K
164Roy Helu, Wsh RB
Strengths: He's got a top quarterback. And I think his kicker will do a good job.

Weaknesses: I'm not sure what he was thinking with this draft. I will never trust Brandon Lloyd to produce, and with Peyton Manning's health questions, Reggie Wayne is far from a sure thing. McFadden will not only be sharing carries with Michael Bush, but also some with Taiwan Jones who looked pretty slick on Sunday against the Saints. Jahvid Best is a huge injury concern, and the Bills spent a first round pick on CJ Spiller last year, so Fred Jackson's carries are in serious jeopardy for this season.

Overall: Bad. He's nearly completely dependent on Aaron Rodgers blowing up for him, and Rodgers always misses a few games with a concussion, so it's tough to give this team any sort of endorsement.

7Maurice Jones-Drew, Jac RB
18Tom Brady, NE QB
31Ahmad Bradshaw, NYG RB
42Marques Colston, NO WR
55Ryan Mathews, SD RB
66Anquan Boldin, Bal WR
79Pierre Thomas, NO RB
90Marcedes Lewis, Jac TE
103Ryan Torain, Wsh RB
114Roy Williams, Chi WR
127Danny Woodhead, NE RB
138Kyle Orton, Den QB
151Neil Rackers, Hou K
162Saints D/ST D/ST
Strengths: The beginning of this draft is really solid. Even if I don't love all the picks, I also don't feel like any of them were bad decisions. He's got running backs, he's got an elite quarterback, and he's got some wide receivers. Plus, everyone seems to be predicting a larger role for Rashad Jennings, meaning MJD will stay healthy and dominate the entire year.

Weaknesses: I think tight end is an issue, because I do not believe in Mercedes Lewis at all this year. That's not gonna kill a team though. I also think Bradshaw will take a step back this year as Brandon Jacobs takes more carries away from him again.

Overall: I don't think they're elite, but this is a good team. Also, did he draft Roy Williams as a joke?

8LeSean McCoy, Phi RB
17Greg Jennings, GB WR
32Matt Forte, Chi RB
41Antonio Gates, SD TE
56Wes Welker, NE WR
65Kenny Britt, Ten WR
80Matthew Stafford, Det QB
89Pierre Garcon, Ind WR
104Braylon Edwards, SF WR
113Ravens D/ST D/ST
128Ronnie Brown, Phi RB
137Aaron Hernandez, NE TE
152Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buf QB
161Billy Cundiff, Bal K
Strengths: He's got solid running backs, good wide receivers, and an elite tight end. Everything looks like it's all well and good for this team...wait a second. He's not serious, is he?

Weaknesses: He probably should have drafted a quarterback. Well, a quarterback that can stay healthy, and one that isn't a nerd (although ladies love badasses who pose as Harvard graduates, trust me on that). I'm not buying Stafford in any way, shape, or form. He's got the weapons around him, but he'll get hurt, and his backup will perform just as good as Stafford. I'd rather have Cutler, and I hate Cutler (and yes, Cutler is on my team, because good value is good value).

Overall: If he can coax Jeff George, Randall Cunningham, or Warren Moon out of retirement to join the Lions and his fantasy team, then he's got a shot. Otherwise, that missing quarterback will prevent him from being up there with the top notch teams.

And that wraps up all the breakdowns of the teams. Finally, we come across what everyone in my league has been waiting for, the preseason Power Rankings. From last to first, here we go.

12. Harper James Smokes Wang
11. Deez Nuts
10. TwoAgans OneDew
9. Team Patzner
8. Team Van Dyke
7. Team Ehrecke
6. What Would Riggins Do?
5. Team Roy
4. Nothing But Fat Chicks In Iowa
3. Team Ry Schnei
2. Percy's Straight Killin'
1. West Coast Dance  

Looks like another title for me. Awesome.