Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Sable Is The Least Sexy Woman In WWE History

Sable had big boobs. I know that may be a weird first sentence to start out a post, but I believe it sums up almost all of the fascination with Sable. She had big boobs. She was also blonde, and although she was pretty, it's not like she stood out (I'm a Sunny guy myself, although even I can't argue that Sable hasn't aged better), especially once wrestling got introduced to women like Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler.

Still, Sable was in the right place at the right time with the right boobs to become one of the most popular women in wrestling history. It's honestly impressive as due to her lack of charisma and rhythm, any time she spoke or moved, it immediately turned down her sex appeal. That's why she was perfect for Playboy. Just getting posed, not moving, not saying anything, it was Playboy's best selling issue in over a decade.

Unfortunately, the WWE required her to speak and to move. She actually had a decent catchphrase where she ended all of her promos with, "This is for the men that come to see me, and the women that want to be me." Listen, I know it's not great, but unlike most things Sable, it wasn't awful.

But let's focus on what happened after that phrase. That is when she introduces us to "The Grind." Remember how I mentioned she had no rhythm? Well, this is all the proof you need:
What...what is that?

I'll admit, when I first watched this, I just kind of felt bad for her. There is no way that movement is comfortable for her, as it pains me just to watch it. Eventually, I got over that uncomfortable feeling and learned to enjoy it. I know the hips are mesmerizing, but the facial expressions are nearly as good. You not only get a chance to see her "Oh" face, but afterwards you also get a sly smile that is just full of self-satisfaction. I was more turned on by Mae Young giving birth to a hand than I am by "The Grind."

If Shakira's hips don't lie, I'm pretty sure Sable's have never told the truth. Imagine having to deal with "The Grind" every day. No wonder Brock Lesnar is so angry. 

Monday, August 7, 2017

I Can No Longer Judge Women

There are positives and negatives to getting older. The negative is obvious in that my body has peaked, and now I'm on the downhill of that athletic peak. I'm doing my best to slow my trip down that hill, but there's no way of stopping it. The positives seem to outweigh that at this point in that I can do what I want, and I'm confident enough in myself to never really worry about what others think. I'm probably smarter now in that I read so many books that I stay a little too woke. I'm able to do this because I'm married, so I no longer need to give a lot of brain power to the opposite sex. In fact, I give so little brain power to women that I can no longer judge them on a surface level.

It's odd, because I used to not only judge women with reckless abandon, but I enjoyed the snap judgment of a woman's value based off nothing more than a glance. The Attitude Era of wrestling was great for me, because I got to see a lot of women with large breasts showing copious amounts of cleavage. I used to watch shitty TV shows just to see hot chicks. I mean, I watched Unhappily Ever After, a show with a talking bunny, just to check out Nikki Cox. And looking up that show, I realized I also watched the show, Pensacola: Wings of Gold to check out hot chicks too. I can guarantee that show sucked ass, but that just goes to show you what a little pervert I was back in the day.

But now, I simply can't judge women's looks. It's not for lack of trying, because I will stare down women, but I genuinely can't figure it out. I look at a woman, and I go through these thoughts, "Is she hot? Eh, probably not...but maybe," and that's where it almost always ends. I probably look like a damn creep, because I stare way harder, but it's all just curiosity, as I have no interest in bedding these women.

And I realize this is sexist behavior. Like, why does it matter how attractive a person is? It shouldn't at all, but I have spent my entire life objectifying women; it's not like I can just stop now. It's just now I can't come to a conclusion.

This is probably good as I can't give value to someone's looks if I am unable to judge them, but it's bad in that I continue to gawk at people like a creep. Luckily, I was never that impressive of a person to begin with, so it's not like it's going to make a significant difference in what people think about me. I just hope they are able to overcome what I cannot and judge me for my looks instead of my (lack of) character.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My Mid-Life Crisis

Mid-life crises are always something that made me laugh. Like, what, one day, you realized you were old and needed to get yourself a shitty convertible? That's super sad and unnecessary, especially since convertibles are highly overrated. I was pretty positive that I'd never need to worry about a mid-life crisis of my own, because I don't really care about stuff so there's no big spending spree that I am going to go on. Unfortunately, this past week, I realized that, at the tender age of 32, I might be in the midst of my own mid-life crisis.

Although my crisis does not involve any extravagant purchase. It does involve a couple small purchases, and those couple purchases could turn to a few, could turn to many, could turn to a ridiculous amount of purchases. 

My mid-life crisis is short shorts.

It started a few years ago when I got rid of my basketball shorts and went to shorts at the knee instead of below the knee. Then the shorts went above the knee. Recently, I started folding the waistband over so the shorts raised up just a bit higher on my leg as I found it more comfortable to run since things didn't bounce around in my pockets as much. It was all logical so I didn't see a problem.

It got bad when I found this pair of Puma shorts. This pair was real short, basically the length of boxers. In fact, I wasn't totally sure whether they were boxers or shorts. Like, they seemed like shorts, because they had pockets and a drawstring, but they also had a button for pee hole, and I have never had that on any of my shorts before. Still, they were short shorts, and they had pockets, so I proudly wore them around despite the fact that it made my family uncomfortable. I thought that I wasn't the problem, and they were just jealous that I had such a great pair of legs.

Things only got worse from there. I used to make fun of people who wore those uncomfortably short running shorts. The reason being that if your legs are so weak that they can't fight through a bit of extra fabric, then you've got bigger issues than trying to beat your best mile time. Those guys were the biggest tools on the planet. This past weekend, I found a pair of super short running shorts. These shorts are shorter than any pair of shorts that my wife owns. I knew it was a bad idea, but I also knew that I would love them. So I made the purchase.

The next day I decided to give them a try. Since I have a small waist, I go with a size small shorts to ensure they hug my lower body in all the right places. That next morning they almost seemed shorter than before.  But I was all in, and nothing was going to make me turn back. I ripped off the tags and noticed something that almost made me turn back. Right on the original tag, there it was, "Ladies." My heart sank. Was I really going to wear lady shorts to go running? not only that, but ladies size small shorts. I hemmed, I hawed, and then I said fuck it, let's do this shit. 

I went running in tiny lady shorts, and it was GLORIOUS. I felt lighter on my feet, and I loved looking down to see my gorgeous legs almost fully exposed with each passing step. It had a nice little zip up pocket in the back where I was able to put my key and iPod. Overall, it was just an incredible experience, and I look forward to more adventures in my teeny, tiny shorts. I know it's weird; I know it will make others uncomfortable, but I can't help the way I feel. I love short shorts.

So, ladies, watch out. Not only will you see me flashing some major leg, but if you've got your eyes on the last pair of hot pink shorts at the store, you better be quick, because this mid-life crisis shows no signs of slowing down.

Monday, July 31, 2017

A Spambot Wrote Something Better Than Shakespeare

You know the phrase, if you gave an infinite amount of monkeys an infinite amount of typewriters, eventually, they would recreate the works of Shakespeare. Well, this theory has now been tested in real life, as there are basically infinite spambots posting to infinite websites, and one of these has not only matched Shakespeare, but have far exceeded his works in just one single post. A spambot under the name of Judith Leighton produced this masterpiece that is so beautiful that I have to break it down line by line.

What a hook. I like football, so now I must read more. But at this point, if you think you have any idea where this is going, oh man, let me assure you that you have absolutely no idea.

Football is about the several major video game titles trialled around The united states involving NBA 
The beauty of this entire post is that it almost makes sense. Like, upon first read, you're kind of thinking that you read it wrong, but then you read it again, and it is most definitely the fault of the writer, in this case, a Spambot. Like football has video games, and it is around the United States, and it kind of involves basketball, because look at successful tight ends like Jimmy Graham and Antonio Gates. 

The game of basketball, NHL Handbags together with MLB Hockey.
The game of basketball being summed up as NHL Handbags combined with MLB Hockey may be the greatest diss a sport has ever received. It's not real NHL, it's handbag NHL, aka lady NHL, which is a bit sexist. And combining that with major league baseball players participating in hockey.

Your Country wide Footballing Category (NFL) is a specialized North american hockey group in addition to it’s made from thirty-two matchups.
And this is where shit goes off the rails. I really want to start referring to the NFL as "your countrywide footballing category." NFL players really are just a specialized hockey group; can't argue with that.

There are actually two people inside AMERICAN FOOTBAL,
God, I am so excited for you to find out the two people inside American football.

Indigenous Football Summit in addition to Us Little league Summit.
Ah yes, the famous two people, Indigenous Football and Little League Summit. You can't talk pigskin without bringing up these two, battling it out on the court, working to score a goal in the other's home plate purse. Beautiful stuff.

Right now sports is normally the most used activity in north america. The whole number of people of which joined in NFL mmorpgs with 2015 can be 19, 510, 312.
The first sentence shows that Judith clearly knows her sports. It is normally the most used activity. Abnormally, it will not be. But that second sentence has been the one that has really perplexed me. The number of people in the NFL can be 19, 510, or 312. Those are certainly all numbers, but outside of 19 being Joe Montana's number on the Kansas City Chiefs, I cannot think of any significance in the others. I looked up career interception and touchdown leaders, and it's close, but not quite right. Much like Shakespeare, it is impossible to fully understand everything.

Super Run will be the most-watched television plans around National history.
Well, this is something we can all agree on as I am already anticipating the next Super Run. It showed that she's a true sports observer and was the perfect way to end her post. Thank you, Judith Leighton, for trying to get me to click on weird internet sites and using a really bad translator system to do it. I appreciate everything about your post. And for my readers, here is that post in its entirety.

FOOTBALL Football is about the several major video game titles trialled around The united states involving NBA The game of basketball, NHL Handbags together with MLB Hockey. Your Country wide Footballing Category (NFL) is a specialized North american hockey group in addition to it’s made from thirty-two matchups. There are actually two people inside AMERICAN FOOTBAL, Indigenous Football Summit in addition to Us Little league Summit.
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Right now sports is normally the most used activity in north america. The whole number of people of which joined in NFL mmorpgs with 2015 can be 19, 510, 312. Super Run will be the most-watched television plans around National history.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Mark Perry and the Changing Arms Race in College Wrestling

It's now been a couple months since Iowa brought Mark Perry back to the school where he wrestled to head up the Hawkeye Wrestling Club. This club is for guys training for international freestyle competition, but its impact already appears as if it will reach far beyond that. The Hawkeye Wrestling Club bringing on Perry may seem like just one extra guy to help out, but it is actually just the first domino in what will help Iowa lead in college wrestling's arms race.

The University of Iowa wrestling team and the Hawkeye Wrestling Club are two distinct entities. They don't even train the same style of wrestling as the Iowa Hawkeyes wrestle folkstyle and the HWC wrestles freestyle. That being said, there is only one wrestling room where these two train, and folkstyle and freestyle isn't that different where the two sides can't help each other out.

Although Perry isn't a coach for the Iowa Hawkeyes, he's still going to be in the room, and he's still going to be helping guys out, even if he isn't on the side of the mat during their matches. Perry was also known as a strong recruiter when coaching college, and even though he can't directly recruit high school wrestlers, he can still be an influential force when they visit campus. He's already helped out in convincing Justin Mejia to commit to Iowa after things fell through with his commitment to Illinois.

The University of Iowa wrestling team is taking full advantage of having another team training for freestyle. The HWC now boasts an impressive collection of talent. They have former Hawkeyes, Nathan Burak, Bobby Telford, Matt McDonough, Dan Dennis, Sammy Brooks, Alex Meyer, and World Team Member, Thomas Gilman. They have also added Nick and Chris Dardanes as well as former NCAA Champion, Jesse Delgado. That last one is the most interesting as it is the earliest benefit of bringing on Perry as Delgado was coached by Perry when he was an assistant at the University of Illinois. With that collection of talent, the lower weights are stacked, the upper weights are in good shape, and the middle weights are solid right now. And speaking of those middle weights, there is a good chance that Isaiah Martinez, a guy who has the chance to be a three-time NCAA Champion this year, comes to the HWC after graduating because of his relationship with Perry. It has the potential to be a ridiculous amount of talent in that wrestling room.

But Iowa isn't alone in this. The elephant in every wrestling room is Penn State, and they're building a formidable group of guys that were formerly coached in college by Cael Sanderson. Ohio State, Oklahoma State, and Nebraska all have brought on a lot of talent with their freestyle wrestling clubs that have benefited the university teams.

In wrestling, there is a limited amount of scholarship money you can hand out to strengthen your team. By having a wrestling club, you are bringing more talent into the room to help your team grow. Iron sharpens iron, and with the Hawkeye Wrestling Club, the University of Iowa has a whole lot more iron at its disposal to help sharpen their wrestling team. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

Reviewing my Fantasy Baseball Sleepers for 2017

Before the season began, I found a guy from each team that I thought would exceed expectations this year. You may be surprised by this, but I did not get them all right. Still, I did get some right, so it's time to go over my successes and failures to see if I'm a genius, or one of those guys that only gets called genius sarcastically. Let's break it down division by division.

AL East: 2-3
Baltimore Orioles - Dylan Bundy
His ERA and record are both respectable, but all of the underlying stats say that things are going to continue to go downhill for him after a strong start. He's been fine, but my lack of confidence in his future makes me mark this down as a loss.

Boston Red Sox - Eduardo Rodriguez
When he's been in, he's been pretty solid. He had a knee injury, but should be back from that soon. Not spectacular, but a solid late round contribution from the guy, so I think it's enough to mark this down as a victory.

New York Yankees - Gary Sanchez
He's a stud catcher that was worthy of reaching early, especially as he gets more playing time in the second half. I know it hasn't been phenomenal yet, but it's still been pretty great.

Tampa Bay Rays - Jake Odorizzi
Odorizzi has been blah, which means I've got to say, "Nah."

Toronto Blue Jays - Troy Tulowitzki
Stick a fork in him; he's done.

AL Central: 2-3
Chicago White Sox - Tim Anderson
Yeah, he hasn't been good at all, but he's kept his job, so at least he's gotten plenty of chances to be incompetent.

Cleveland Indians - Cody Allen
He was rated too low for what would be a good closer. He has been a good closer. That's good enough.

Detroit Tigers - Justin Upton
Justin Upton has been pretty damn good this year. Nice job, Justin Upton.

Kansas City Royals - Jorge Soler
Fun fact: I will draft Jorge Soler for at least the next five years, based solely on Joe Maddon once calling him Vladimir Guerrero with more plate discipline. I thought it was an outrageous comment then, but I still can't get it out of my head. This will ruin me for years to come.

Minnesota Twins - Byron Buxton
He was historically bad to start the year, but at least he's improved to just bad at this point in the year.

AL West: 2-3
Houston Astros - Lance McCullers
Outside of a little injury trouble, McCullers has been a stud, so this one makes me look really smart.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - Ben Revere
With the Mike Trout injury, he has had a decent amount of playing time. He has not been good in that playing time.

Oakland Athletics - Marcus Semien
Got hurt; has barely played. I'd still recommend snagging him when he comes off the DL if you need some middle infield help.

Seattle Mariners - Mike Zunino
Zunino still doesn't have a great average, but it's not awful, and he's producing solid power. He's a respectable catching option that you could have gotten at the very end of the draft, so I feel pretty good about this one.

Texas Rangers - Nomar Mazara
Mazara has basically been doing exactly what he did last year, which is not what I was hoping for from him, so even though he's been okay, I expected more than okay.

NL East: 1-4
Atlanta Braves - Brandon Phillips
Still providing a nice average with some decent counting stats, just as I predicted. Nice work, Mr. Phillips.

Miami Marlins - Adam Conley
He's been bad. Total bust. I really hope you didn't listen to me on this one.

New York Mets - Travis d'Arnaud
Travis d'Arnaud hasn't been too bad, but I also don't think he's been good enough to be a reliable starting catcher on fantasy teams, so I'd have to mark this as a loss.

Philadelphia Phillies - Aaron Nola
Aaron Nola had to be special for this one to pay off. Aaron Nola has not been special.

Washington Nationals - Shawn Kelley
Like, right after I wrote this, word came down that Kelley was unlikely to be the closer. And he's just been awful this year, so this may be my worst pick out of all 30.

NL Central2-3
Chicago Cubs - Jason Heyward
Well, he's better than last year, but that's not saying much, so I can't take any credit on this one.

Cincinnati Reds - Devin Mesoraco
For a catcher, he hasn't really been bad, but he also hasn't played enough to make an actual impact. Nobody is actually going to carry Mesoraco on their fantasy team and call it a success, so that makes it a failure.

Milwaukee Brewers - Keon Broxton 
The average isn't strong, but I wouldn't have expected it to be. But considering that he is in the teens for both home runs and stolen bases already, this one is definitely a win.

Pittsburgh Pirates - Tyler Glasnow
2-6 record with an ERA over 7.00. Yeah, not my best work.

St. Louis Cardinals - Kolten Wong
The counting stats aren't great, but he's hitting over .300, and when he gets healthy, he'll start racking up enough counting stats to be relevant, so I'm counting this as a win.

NL West: 1-4
Arizona Diamondbacks - Robbie Ray
Hell yeah, Robbie Ray is striking out fools and keeping a good ERA in a hitter's park. Robbie Ray is the man.

Colorado Rockies - Jonathan Gray
He's barely pitched this year, but the early results are promising. Still, he's barely pitched this year, which means this sleeper has not awoken to become a beast.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Julio Urias
Urias had major surgery already this year, so that tends to not be a great sign for success.

San Diego Padres - Travis Jankowski
He had a poor start to the year, followed by a foot injury, but hey, at least all of his value isn't derived from his speed.

San Francisco Giants - Matt Moore
ERA over 6.00; I'll still probably take a chance on him next year. I can't quit Matt Moore.

As you can tell, my results were, uh...not good. My goal going in was .500, and I thought maybe I'd have up to a 60% success rate. I didn't come close to those numbers; in fact, I wasn't even at .500 for a single division. Instead, I ended up at 10-20, which is simply bad if we're being honest. But now that I have set an incredibly low bar for this exercise, I feel confident that I can exceed expectations next year. 11-19, here I come!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Ultimate Warrior in WCW: What Went Wrong?

Ultimate Warrior is one of the greatest wrestling characters in history. No, he was not the most technically gifted performer, but that didn't take away from the fact that he was totally awesome. He was not a totally awesome as a person, because, really, his thoughts on homosexuals is still far more offensive than Hulk Hogan saying a racial slur in private (neither is good). There are so many things you can talk about with the Ultimate Warrior, but I would like to focus on the most stupid one: His late career run in WCW. Spoiler alert: It was so bad.

WCW had one goal when they brought in the Ultimate Warrior, and that was to play to all of his weaknesses. The Ultimate Warrior was never very good at speaking.

The WWE did their best to hide this weakness by only letting him do backstage promos for 30 second stretches where he could just be super energetic without having to actually make sense in anything that he said.

Of course, WCW gave him live promos where he was forced to give long, drawn out speeches. Ultimate Warrior's schtick worked best in quick bursts of nonsense, long diatribes of nonsense only worked great at killing a crowd. So his debut definitely involved Warrior going on for twenty minutes where he accused Hulk Hogan of shitting his pants. Grade A work.

Ultimate Warrior wasn't really a wrestler, at least not a competent one; he was a body. The WWE displayed that body, and even though the Warrior had lost some size later on in his career, he was still jacked by any measurement. Still, the WCW put him in jeans, a duster, and wrestling boots. Ultimate Warrior's greatest attribute as a professional wrestler was just looking like The Ultimate Warrior. WCW decided to cover him up.

Finally, Ultimate Warrior had one of the best entrances in pro wrestling history. They gave him metal music and had him sprint down to the ring. Instead they made this his theme, and gave him a trap door to rise into the ring from. So instead of sprinting in, kicking ass, and sprinting out, he came through a trap door and escaped through a trap door like a coward. Ultimate Warrior should never be using nefarious ways to escape; he should be clotheslining his way out of every situation. In fact, that is how WCW should have brought him back. Just send him to every day activities, and have him clothesline his way through DMV lines, body press a car to change a tire, and give a big splash to a tarantula. That would have been awesome.

He only had three matches, and only one singles match. We'll start there with the most overbooked match in wrestling history, Hogan vs. Warrior II, Electric Boogaloo. It was two wrestlers who were well past their prime, who were never known for their in-ring work, and they tried to recreate magic from nearly a decade earlier. It did not go well. There was the flame paper that Hogan tried to throw at Warrior, and that, uh, didn't come close to working properly. Then, Hogan won the match with help from Horace, who had just left the flock to be outed as Hogan's nephew. Honestly, by that point, I think everyone in the crowd was just happy it was over.

The second match Warrior had actually could have been cool as he tagged with his old tag partner, Sting, to take on Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan. I say it could have been cool had they actually had four of the most popular professional wrestlers in history just have a match, because by just having those guys out there, the crowd would have been way into it. Instead, they managed to put on one of the worst tag matches ever. Sting got beat up for five minutes, finally made the tag to Warrior, who never took off his stupid airbrushed duster jacket and cleaned house until the nWo interfered a minute later. Then Warrior filled the ring with smoke so he could escape.

His final match was a 3 on 3 on 3 match where he was on Team WCW with Roddy Piper and DDP to take on Team nWo Black and White with Hogan, Bret Hart, and Stevie Ray, and nWo Wolfpack with Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, and Sting. Yes, Sting, the ultimate WCW guy, was in that weird stage where he just up and decided he was no longer brooding, and wore red face paint. It was a 25 minute match, and Warrior was out there for three minutes, but they at least finally let him run down to the ring, and the crowd went crazy for it. He also tore apart the cage to get to Hogan, which would eventually lead to...nothing. Warrior was never seen or heard from again.

Ultimate Warrior's run in WCW was one giant missed opportunity. You were never going to recreate the magic of WrestleMania VI, but they could have still done some really fun things with him. Instead, they played to his weaknesses and let that initial excitement turn to apathy. It was almost a relief when Warrior disappeared, especially since he didn't need a trap door to do it.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Antwun Echols and the Curse of Being a Good Boxer

I was watching the documentary, Counterpunch, on Netflix this past week, and as I was following these three boxers at different stages of their career, it sent me down a Wikipedia rabbit hole of boxers. It took a lot of twists and turns and eventually led me to the Wikipedia page for Antwun Echols. Now unless you are a hardcore boxing fan or from Davenport, Iowa, that name probably doesn't mean anything to you. But I'm a part of that latter group, so I remember him coming up and being one hell of a boxer.

And he was. After losing his very first fight, he would go on to lose once in his next 24 fights. That was enough for him to earn a shot at Bernard Hopkins, who he took the distance but Echols lost the decision. He ended up winning his next two fights to get another shot at Hopkins, but this time he was stopped in the tenth round. Still, that's Bernard Hopkins, one of the greatest fighters of his generation and Echols was competitive in both fights.

Even after that, he managed to win seven of his next eight fights, winning the NABF Super Middleweight Title but losing his chance at the WBA Super Middleweight Title. Still, at this point, he had amassed a 31-5-1 record which isn't going to make him one of the greats, but it's still a pretty damn good career. 

Unfortunately, Echols career continued, as he has had another 22 fights since then. Echols was no longer the young up-and-comer who was smashing stepping stones on his way to title shots. Now, he was the stepping stone, continually put against top prospects. The fights got worse and worse as he went from losing decisions to losing by knockout. He has gone 1-18-3 in those last 22 fights. His one win was against a fighter who had a record of 0-8-2, but Fred Thomas is now 1-15-2, so Echols may have been lucky to meet him before Thomas reached his prime. Probably his most impressive accomplishment in this run is getting knocked out in the third round in seven consecutive fights, a streak that was ended when he lost in 8 seconds in his last fight.

As if that wasn't bad enough, during this run of awful fights, he was also shot in the leg trying to break up a fight. Then, he was immediately arrested at the hospital for possession of crack and failure to pay child support.

And about that child support, despite being busy with a boxing career, that did not stop Echols from getting busy in other ways. In 2013, Echols said in an interview that he "thinks" he has 23 kids. Maybe saddest of all, but definitely most delusional of all, is that when Echols was on a run of 1-14-3, he still had title aspirations

Echols had a great career, fighting for multiple championships but never bringing home the big time titles. Then he had a second career as a punching bag, and nobody was there to tell him that even if the money was decent, it's not a real career. But promoters were willing to keep giving him opportunity, because he was a good name in the boxing community. It didn't matter that he was no longer the same guy; it was actually better. He was the perfect stepping stone. The guy has clearly taken so much damage that he's susceptible to being knocked out by anyone, and that is exactly what's happened.

This story is about Antwun Echols, but it could easily be about dozens of other boxers that hang on for far too long with nobody around them willing or convincing enough to step in and stop them. Antwun Echols rose up from nothing to make something of himself through boxing. Now it appears that boxing will bring him right back to where he started. It's nearly impossible to see a happy ending to this story, so at this point, I'm just hoping for one that isn't tragic.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 6

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

It all started with Marc Mero getting beaten up by Steve Blackman. Blackman never lost, but that doesn't mean he made the finals. We continued with Dan Severn beating up The Godfather, but Severn also dropped out of the tournament. We then went on to the second round where Bradshaw also beat Marc MeroFinally, we made it to the semifinals, where Bart Gunn gave The Godfather his second loss of the tournament. Finally, Bart Gunn completed his amazing tournament by knocking out Bradshaw. 

And even though last time we were able to crown a champion, that's not truly where Brawl For All ended. Because it was such a massive failure, why not extend it for one more match, six months later? Maybe in six months you can get nostalgia for something nobody enjoyed? Add a super fat guy, and you've got a recipe for success.

This was not Butterbean's first foray into a WWE ring, as about a year and a half earlier, he took on Marc Mero in a boxing match that was clearly a work, as Butterbean was taking cheap shots on Mero, and Mero was raking eyes with boxing gloves and choking Mr. Bean with tape. Outside of the WWE Network, the only place to watch it is an incredibly obscure website dedicated to Brock Lesnar and Sable. That's probably for the best.

But that leads us to our main event, the greatest fight of all time, Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn. Since Bart Gunn won Brawl For All in August, he used that to catapult his career to...uh...honestly, even more irrelevance than ever. Like, it's truly incredible how irrelevant he became. After winning Brawl For All, he had one wrestling match before his fight with Butterbean, a Hardcore Title match he lost to Bob Holly in February of 1999.

So, yeah, people were jacked for this Butterbean fight. Now of course a fight of this magnitude could only be settled at the Grand Daddy of Them All, WrestleMania XV. Bart Gunn now had a nickname, as he was now Bart "The Hammer" Gunn. How do you not make your name The Nail? Nailgun? Come on, it's too easy. When it comes to nicknames, I guess you could say I "Nailed" it.

You're probably not going to believe this, but the wrestler who has dabbled in punching did not fare too well against the World Champion Boxer. The fight started with Butterbean throwing a two-punch combo that LITERALLY spun Bart Gunn around. And things actually got worse from there. Butterbean started attacking the body just to set up a body-head combo that knocked Gunn loopy before Butterbean knocked him down. Bart Gunn got up, and Bart Gunn really shouldn't have gotten up.
Yeah, that body-head combo got him again.

Basically, Bart Gunn trained boxing casually where Butterbean was an actual boxer. It would be like Conor McGregor trying to fight Floyd Mayweather, and yes, trust me, when that match goes down, McGregor has less than a zero percent chance of winning. But even though McGregor has no chance of being a Boxing Champion, he actually currently holds a much MUCH more prestigious title.

Conor McGregor is your current WWE Brawl For All Lineal Champion. This is clearly why Floyd Mayweather wants this fight. The chance to retire with the greatest title in all of combat sports is too much for him to pass up. Yes, Floyd claims that he only cares about money, but the Brawl For All Title is truly priceless.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Which US Wrestlers Should Transition to MMA?

The United States World Team Trials for freestyle wrestling happened last weekend, and, as always, it was one of the most underrated sporting events of the year. Incredible battles with incredible drama led to this being one of the most memorable team trials in recent history. Some guy's dreams came true, while far more were left with bitter disappointment. But disappointment can lead to opportunity, so I wanted to take a look to find out who would best transition from the sport of wrestling to the sport of mixed martial arts.

I'm only going to be looking at guys who fell short at the trials, because the guys who won clearly have some wrestling left to do in their careers. I also won't be including guys still in college, as I don't see any wrestler abandoning wrestling altogether at that age. So let's start at 57 KG (pounds will be put in their likely weight class as opposed to the exact KG equivalent) and work our way up.

57 KG - Nahshon Garrett (125 pounds)
Garrett hasn't had a great transition from folkstyle to freestyle, as this year he was on the losing end of a technical fall in his first match against Alan Waters, followed by a decision loss to Darian Cruz. Still, Garrett is an explosive athlete that can absolutely overwhelm opponents. In college, he would overwhelm opponents with his athleticism. With that sort of style, he could make an immediate impact in mixed martial arts, and considering the athlete that he is, it's not hard to envision him becoming good in all aspects of fighting. Of course, considering he got an education from Cornell, it wouldn't be surprising if he was too smart to get in the fight game.

61 KG - Joe Colon (135 pounds)
Colon is another guy who struggled at the team trials, as he went 1-2, only managing a win over NCAA runner-up, Seth Gross. But again, his struggles in freestyle do not take away from his incredible physicality. Colon is the type of wrestler that can simply overwhlem his opponents. His freestyle technique is nowhere near the best, but that technique will still be better than anybody he faces in MMA, and it's the physicality that will put him over the top.

65 KG - Jordan Oliver (145 pounds)
Unlike everyone else on this list, Oliver did not compete at the US Team Trials, but that was due to a drug suspension as opposed to not being good enough. I mean, with a drug suspension already on his record, he's basically living that MMA lifestyle already. Also, Oliver has consistently fell short of representing the United States in international competition. At first, Brent Metcalf got the better of him, then it was Molinaro, and now, when he had his best shot, he got popped for performance enhancing drugs, and Zain Retherford looks to be the guy taking over the weight class. I think it's time for a change of competition if he wants to make an impact in athletics.

70 KG - Dylan Ness (155 pounds)
Dylan Ness is funk personified. He is incredible at getting in the weirdest possible positions and somehow always coming out in an advantageous spot. No one has shown this sort of funk acumen since Ben "Funky" Askren. Now, Ness is not the wrestler that Askren was, but Askren has shown the blueprint for how to transition his skillset into mixed martial arts. Was it all just the wrestling of Askren that led him to greatness, or are funky wrestlers better at translating their skills to fighting? I would love to see Ness give it a go so we could find out.

74 KG - Kyle Dake (170 pounds)
74 KG is likely the most loaded weight class for potential MMA superstars. Jordan Burroughs could be amazing, but after pulling off another victory at the trials, he was ineligible for this list as he definitely has some more wrestling in his future. Isaiah Martinez is an absolute beast, but he's still in college, so he has some growth to do. I went back and forth on the last two guys, but eventually went with Kyle Dake over Alex Dieringer. Dieringer is still young and seemed to close the gap on Dake, so he very well may be the future of the weight class when Burroughs retires. Of course, he may never be able to pass up Dake, as it is not like Dake doesn't still have some strong years in him. Still, I went with Dake as "Kid Dynamite" would simply be too much fun to see in MMA. Dake is not only explosive, but even in college, he was smart enough to do whatever it took to win, never worrying about being the most exciting guy, just being concerned with being the best. I would love to see him transition that wrestling acumen to fighting.

86 KG - David Taylor (185 pounds)
I cannot imagine David Taylor making the transition to MMA, but it'd be pretty cool if he did.

97 KG - Kyven Gadson (205 pounds)
Gadson is the last American to beat super human wrestling machine, Kyle Snyder, but Snyder showed that things have changed quite a bit in the last two years. With Snyder around, there really isn't any future for Gadson to represent the United States. Still, you'd have trouble finding a wrestler with a much higher ceiling than Gadson. His biggest issue has always been consistency. Although he's not Kyle Snyder, he's still really good at wrestling, and he has the skills to give a lot of people trouble in what isn't all that deep of a weight class.

125 KG - Tony Nelson (HWT)
So right now the best choice would seem to be Nick Gwiazdowski, but since he's busy dominating the American Heavyweight division in wrestling, I had to move on to someone else. Although I wanted to be a homer and go for former Hawkeye, Bobby Telford, I think the former Golden Gopher, Tony Nelson is probably the best choice. Looking at the heavyweight division, I feel like Nelson could be a top-10 UFC heavyweight within a couple years.

Wrestling is the world's toughest sport, and that is why wrestlers do such a good job when moving to mixed martial arts. I have no doubt that if these guys would do great if they decided to make the transition. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Matters of Size Is the Only Penis Exercise Motivation You Need

Occasionally, the blogging gods will look down on you and smile. Last week was one of those times as I got a notification of a new Twitter follower. Although @MoSNetwork meant little to me at first glance, I then saw the name attached, Matters of Size. I then saw the profile, and my interest was officially piqued when I read the following:

A BROTHERHOOD of over 150,000 men exploring men's issues & natural male enhancement exercises on the world famous MOS Forums.

I thought for sure that would be the best part, but then I saw the profile picture, and I nearly spit all over myself.
That is just...that's amazing. The overly gelled hair, the earring, the chain, and that extra thick t-shirt. And that's before we go to the face where he is making a face I didn't know really existed, but without words, he seems to be saying "Hey, are you going to eat that earwax?"

And the tweets? The tweets are all incredible. Like, this man puts out more gold in a week than the best accounts do in a month. Here are the best tweets from a quick scroll down the timeline.
This is important, because you can only talk about penis size so much. Occasionally, the MoSNetwork needs to show that they're just some regular guys, paling around, talking about the big game. Just normal fella stuff.

When it comes to matters involving the penis, I would say that some of the worst advice possible is keep grinding. Rubbing, sure. Caressing? Oh yeah. Find a partner and have some fun? Well, that one sounds great in theory, but a little harder to pull off in practice. Still, though. Sometimes I don't feel motivated, and I am really doubting that grinding my dick is the answer.

Because it's all about getting a bigger penis, get it?

Best Father's Day gift ever! I seriously can't stop laughing about this tweet. I have been trying to come up with a situation where a son would give this as a gift to his father. Like, first, the son has to have had something happen to lead him to the MoSNetwork. But then, on top of that, their father must be so mentally unstable that he talks to his son about how badly he wishes his penis was bigger. Like, this conversation would have had to have happened at some point.

Son: Great news, Dad. I got you a new pitching wedge.
Dad (stares off into the distance): That's great, son.
Son: What's wrong?
Dad: A pitching wedge? It just reminds me of how sad it is when I pitch a pants tent, and it's driving a wedge between me and potential mates.
Son: Wait, what?
Dad: I wish I had a bigger penis. If only there was a way...
Son: There is.
(Dad gives shocked expression with single tear of joy rolling down his face)

Well, I guess when you put it like that, it's pretty beautiful.

Thank you, Matters of Size. Without even going to your website, you have already given me plenty of content. Out of all of the penis exercise motivation websites that I've come across, I rank yours number one (out of one). Keep grinding.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 5

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

It all started with Marc Mero getting beaten up by Steve Blackman. Blackman never lost, but that doesn't mean he made the finals. We continued with Dan Severn beating up The Godfather, but Severn also dropped out of the tournament. We then went on to the second round where Bradshaw also beat Marc Mero. Finally, we made it to the semifinals, where Bart Gunn gave The Godfather his second loss of the tournament.

And now we have made it to the finals of the tournament. Bart Gunn made it there by annihilating his opponents, and Bradshaw made it there through cheating and very friendly scorecards, but they both made it there.

Bradshaw actually came out with a good strategy as he connected with a few straight jabs to start off the fight. Then Bart Gunn started swinging wild hooks, so Bradshaw decided to start swinging wild hooks; this was a less good strategy on Bradshaw's part. What immediately became clear was that Bradshaw was throwing pillows while Gunn was throwing bombs. It did not help that Bradshaw basically started throwing both his left and right hand at once, and there's a reason you've never seen that in professional fighting; it's because it doesn't work. And with both hands away from protecting his head, Bart Gunn decided to throw a hook at his head. It connected, Bradshaw fell on his face, managed to get up at an eight count, then Bart Gunn did it again. The whole thing only lasted 41 seconds, and Bart Gunn was your first ever Brawl For All Champion.

My favorite part was Jim Ross remarking after the fight, "Are you gonna see this anywhere else?" And it's kind of an amazing comment as, yes, you could watch Toughman Contests, which is basically what the WWE wanted this tournament to be. Or, you could watch the UFC, which had guys who would absolutely annihilate anyone in this tournament.

And that concludes the Brawl For All tournament. It was not good, but it was strangely fascinating. Like, I thought for sure that Dr. Death would dominate this tournament, and had the rules been more conducive to grinding for a takedown as opposed to only allowing a blast double, he might have done that. After that, I'm still wondering how tough Steve Blackman really was and whether Marc Mero, a traditional boxer, could have given Bart Gunn trouble since his biggest weakness was just stopping takedowns. It was fascinating; it was not good.

Oh, and even though the tournament is over. There is still a part 6 to look forward to (or dread, depending on your stance). We bring a ringer to the ring to see if anyone can stop the dominance of Bart Gunn.

Monday, June 12, 2017

What It's Like to Have a Kidney Stone: My Week of Pain

Last time, I regaled the audience with my tale of going to the emergency room. Although it felt like an alien was in my body waiting to get out to kill me, it turned out it was only a kidney stone. I say only a kidney stone, because a kidney stone just doesn't sound that impressive. When I heard kidney stone, I knew I'd be fine. I did not know how painful the process was going to be until I was fine. You know how people use the expression, "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." Having a kidney stone is the perfect thing to wish upon your worst enemy. Long-term, they'll be fine, but having a kidney stone is brutal, and it may be the most ideal thing to wish upon your worst enemy as you'll see below.

When I left the emergency room, it was after midnight, but I needed to pick up Hydrocodone for the pain and FloMax for help urinating. I took my pain medicine and immediately went to sleep when I got home.

Honestly, the next morning I didn't feel too bad. It kind of felt like the pain medicine was going to make me fairly functional with everything, and since it was just a kidney stone, I figured I could power through. I went to work and planned on going about my day as usual.

That plan worked for approximately two hours before I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. I'm not sure why I felt so good that first morning, but that good feeling went away, and I was left with horrific pain that made it impossible to focus. I called it a day early and headed home before lunch. I was excited to eat leftover lasagna for lunch, but my stomach wasn't feeling all that well, so I settled for a cheese burrito (cheese, tortilla, hot sauce, it's perfect for kids and adults who just need calories) since I needed to eat something before I took my pee medicine.

After that, it was an exciting day of lying in bed and drinking as much water as possible. I know that doesn't sound exciting, but I started binging wrestling at a ridiculous pace. I watched old Nitros, old Raws, old NXTs, and even old Lucha Undergrounds. It was interesting enough to try to keep my mind on it while also not being so interesting that I'd really be worried if I dozed off for a while. And I did manage to doze off, but only for 10-15 minute stretches.

That is because my body was not digging this kidney stone. The pain from the stone, even with pain killers made my body seize up constantly, so I was basically flexing every muscle in my core for 48 straight hours. On top of this, when I get sick, the first thing that my body loses control of is its ability to control my temperature, so I went from sweating profusely to shaking uncontrollably all day long. Every trip to the bathroom was an adventure as any time I got out of bed, it hurt like hell so my entire body seized up, and since I had just gotten off a hard workout the night before, the muscles got sore pretty quick, so I was constantly flexing sore muscles and it felt like my body was in zero degree temperatures as I could not stop shaking. Thank God for FloMax though, because I could barely feel anything downstairs, but my stream was STRONG. I'm not sure if it works on the other substance coming out of urethras, but if so, adult film stars should definitely be using this stuff for great climax scenes.

I think I might be getting slightly off track.

Anyway, the pain was also so intense that it made me vomit yet again. It is amazing how disgusting vomiting is but how good you feel afterwards. I felt like I had a glow to me. I know it was probably just yesterday's meal and spit dripping from my face, but it sure felt nice.

As you can probably tell, the pain medicine was not nearly as impressive as the FloMax. With the Hydrocodone, you're supposed to take some every 4-6 hours. I was counting down the minutes to that four hour mark, because my body was craving more. I was looking at my clock constantly, convinced that an hour, or at least 45 minutes had passed. It was always the same story, only 15 minutes had gone by. Occasionally, I had to use some rounding and take it more in the 3-3.5 hour range, but even with the relief, I was still left in significant pain. Apparently hospitals have better pain medicine than they give the patients to take home with them. A smarter person may have consulted a medical professional about getting something better, and/or upping the dosage, but since I am a proud (stupid) man, I decided that I would be fine without the help of professionals.

The only other exciting thing is I found the best sleeping position for me, on my right side, slightly curled, multiple pillows and single arm under my head. It didn't work all the time, but it was better than any other position the majority of the time. This took a lot of trial and error, and that means it may have been the most exciting part of my day.

Remember how I felt pretty good on Thursday morning? That was not the case on Friday as the only time I got out of bed that entire morning was for water and to go to the bathroom. I was still violently shaking any time I got out from under the covers. (it looked like Scott Hall was zapping me with a cattle prod). And when I was under the covers, I was sweating enough to fill my pool.

Although I didn't have the good morning feel on Friday, overall, the pain was less than it had been the day before. Still, there was basically nothing I could do to get totally comfortable, and the pain medicine simply wasn't doing the trick.

But thanks to Flomax, I kept pissing away, and I'm pretty sure that I passed the stone in the late afternoon on Friday. How did I not know that stone had come out of my pee hole? Well, I was in a lot of side and back pain and was pretty numb to anything downstairs (so maybe that's where all the pain medicine went to), but after that, it seemed like the pain dropped down a level.

I also think I watched ten straight episodes of Lucha Underground on this day. That part was awesome.

The two highlights of Saturday were the two times that my wife tried to kill me. She saw me at my weakest point and thought this might be the time to finish me off, but I'm still here, typing away, letting the world know my struggle.

The first was when I asked her to do me a favor and get me ibuprofen from the store, as it was safe to combo with that weak ass Hydrocodone if necessary. She came back and tried to feed me acetaminophen, which would not be safe since the Hydrocodone already has that pain relief ingredient in it. She "claims" it was just a mistake, but she's going to have to do better than that to get rid of me.

The second was when she asked me to do her a favor. Since I was spending my days alternating between shaking from the cold or sweating puddles, my aroma was not the most appealing thing about me at the moment. She gently asked me if I could take a shower. She outsmarted me on this one, I gotta admit. I took a shower, and the shower part was okay, but getting out of the shower dropped my internal body temperature to about 17 degrees. I tried to dry and put on clothes as quickly as I could so I could hop in bed and get under the covers, but my wife was one step ahead of me and had stripped the bed to do laundry. Casey the Dog was in on the plan and she was lying on the only nearby blanket. The only thing I could do was go out to the living room and go to that vixen to hope she'd spare me a blanket. Luckily, she saw pity on me in my weakened state, and I was able to recover from her second murder attempt. She's still stuck with me.

Sunday was a pretty good day. I was having pains, but I was taking a major step in the right direction. I was weak, but it wasn't too bad. I figured I'd be good for work the next day.

Then, as I was trying to go to sleep, sharper pain came coming back, and it just would not go away. Had this pain happened during the day, it would have been painful and inconvenient, but when you're trying to go to sleep, it is the most miserable experience. This kept me up until about 2:30 in the morning, which was not ideal.

Monday morning brought more of that pain from the night before. The pain should have stopped shortly after passing the stone, but we were now on day three after the stone had passed, and I was still suffering. This finally led me to two revelations.

1. If one Ibuprofen helped with some of the pain, then two Ibuprofen might help with all of the pain, and it certainly did. I was pounding them every four hours, but it at least made me nearly functional.

2. I also realized why I was still in pain. When people usually start feeling pain from a kidney stone, they go to the hospital or know enough to take pain medicine. When I had a kidney stone, I spent the first half hour taking turns getting slammed onto my back, and slamming somebody else on their back during wrestling practice. I then did intense ab workouts where I twisted my body while going for armbars and triangle chokes. Since I was so full of adrenaline, it took an hour before I realized something was seriously wrong with me. I am thinking that this is not the most conducive activities to avoiding complications from the kidney stone.

I got a little bit better, but Tuesday was nothing special.

I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and needed pain medicine.

I woke up at 6:30 and needed more pain medicine.

Then, I got to 10:30 and still felt fine.

11:30, still good to go.

12:30, um, this is fairly nice.

1:30, 2:30, 3:30, etc. and I just all of a sudden stopped needing pain medicine. My appetite had been pretty pathetic since this started, but I was able to eat far more than I had been eating. I still wasn't up to my normal habits, but I practically doubled what I had been surviving on.

And then I realized, hey, it's Wednesday night, I've got wrestling and jiu jitsu tonight. I considered it for about four seconds before I realized that it may be the worst idea I have ever had, and my wife may kill me if I even brought up the idea. But even though I wasn't quite ready for practice, I was finally getting back to normal.

I couldn't believe how badly a kidney stone "rocked" my world. Puns aside, it was totally miserable, and I do wish it upon my worst enemies. May they suffer like I did, so they can turn into a crybaby bitch like I did for a week. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

My Trip to the Emergency Room

I am somebody who is pretty damn healthy for 32 years of age. I run multiple times a week, play with the dog and go through jiu jitsu and wrestling training every week. I have been fortunate as I haven't really run into any serious health issues. I make health conscious decisions, and it has paid off for me.

But last Wednesday I was in so much pain that an emergency room visit was my only option.

Wednesday nights are the nights where I get my ass kicked. I have an hour of wrestling followed by an hour plus of jiu jitsu. I made it through wrestling just fine and continued on to jiu jitsu. As we were doing drills, I just felt tight, like something wasn't totally right. I thought I just needed to stretch out more, but after about a half hour, we were about ready to go live, and my right side was so tight that I really couldn't twist my body. I spent about 30 seconds debating on whether I should just push through and keep going before wisely deciding that I needed to bow out of practice. I tried to walk it off, but things were definitely not improving, so I decided to head home.

As I was driving home, something horrible happened; my adrenaline wore off, and I realized I wasn't tight, I was in extreme pain. I tried to find an urgent care place but the one I found was closing in 15 minutes, and I kind of doubted my issue was going to be solved in 15 minutes. After that, the pain was too much for me think straight, so I didn't have the mental capacity to find an alternative option. I called my wife, let her know that I needed her to find a hospital and drive me there when I got home. After I hung up the phone, I had one goal, and that was to stay conscious through the pain to make sure I didn't go careening off the road. This is the first piece of evidence that I a melodramatic baby.

I made it home, and we set off for the hospital. On the way there, the pain got so bad that I nearly vomited, so I was stuck taking everything out of my dog's travel bag so I would have a place to puke. But I held it together and we made it to the small medical facility.

I signed in and was able to get a room in about five minutes. Unfortunately, that was just a room, and that didn't mean I was getting any actual medical attention. As I was waiting, I kept going to the bathroom as I felt I needed to drop a deuce, but every time I sat on the can, the feeling went away. Since I was just stewing in my own pain and filth (I had 90 minutes of sweat built up around my body from the workout), I paced around the bathroom, breathing heavy, half the time with my shorts around my ankles. It was not my sexiest moment.

During this wait, I had time to consider my options. This pain was terrible, and I'd be lying if I didn't think that I might need emergency surgery to save my life. Was this dramatic of me? Of course it was, and I'm not proud of it, but unexpected and unexplainable pain like that leads my mind to start working on the emotional side as opposed to the logical side. 

Still, I came up with three possible options for what ailed me. A sharp pain in my side, my mind immediately went to appendicitis. Like, I have heard that an appendix bursting is an unbearable pain, and this seemed pretty damn unbearable to me. But I thought there were usually warning signs before it got this intense, so after some contemplation, I put the odds fairly low on this one. Next up was maybe tearing a muscle during the workout, but it was a throb, more than just feeling like I had been stabbed, so I kind of doubted this option. The option I was most sold on was a hernia, as it was a pain that went from my front to my back straight through and just felt awful all around. 

Finally the nurse came in, but that was mostly just to tell me that the doctor would be a while. Basically, until the doctor saw me, they really couldn't do shit. So I sat there, laid there, and stood there, all in various states of horrific pain, making weird whimpers of pain all the while. I got an IV, but that was just to keep me hydrated for the time being. The nurse wrongly claimed that I didn't have that great of veins, but my veins are phenomenal.

Finally, the doctor saw me and agreed to give me medicine for pain and nausea. This only took me two hours. I could barely speak before getting that medicine, as I mostly communicated in grunts. But once that pain medicine hit? Ooh, girl, I was feeling good. So good. Was I still in pain? Yeah, but my pain went from 9.0-9.5 down to like a 3 or 4. I immediately wanted to start tweeting and Snapchatting my experience, but my wife wouldn't let me since there was still the possibility that I was going to need a serious surgery, and she was, like, concerned and stuff. Me? I didn't have a care in the world. I was slightly loopy, but it was just such a damn relief that it felt like euphoria. 

Finally, it was time for me to get a CAT scan. They were wheeling me over, and I was shaking uncontrollably. They thought that I was nervous, but I had to let them know that I was simply freezing. Hospitals tend to keep things on the cool side, and considering I was wearing clothes that were soaking wet from the gym. Maybe my best decision that night was having my wife grab my dry underwear from the car so I could put that on shortly after arriving at the emergency room. 

The CAT scan was fairly simple. They warned me that I would get an iodine shot that would make me feel warm and possibly make me think I was peeing myself but not to worry about it. The latter didn't happen, but man, when I got that iodine shot, all of that warmth they talked about went straight to my butthole. It wasn't an unpleasant experience, more like my body was in a pool while my butthole was in a hot tub. Then they scanned me, and I was good to go back in my room, cover up with blankets and watch hockey.

Things stayed relatively calm for the most part, but apparently the nausea medicine didn't take as I did finally fulfill my destiny and start vomiting profusely. That was just my body's hilarious way of saying that there was still something horribly wrong with me. 

After another hour, the doctor finally came in to give me the results. She started off by saying that my appendix looked great. I'm almost positive that this is how ER doctors flirt with patients, so I'm pretty sure that she was asking me out on a date. You know what they say about a guy with a great appendix? Neither do I, but I assume ladies in the medical community go crazy for them.

And then she dropped the bomb on me. What had caused me so much pain, what had caused the most manly of men to turn into the babiest of babies, what made this guy want to cry...a kidney stone.

The first emotion I felt was relief. My imagination had been going wild, and I was expecting a worst case scenario. At least this was something that I knew could be taken care of, and I would be healthy relatively soon. It was probably the best case scenario.

But I'd be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed. With the pain I was feeling, I kind of wanted the doctor to find something incredibly wrong with me and marvel at my bravery and pain tolerance. Like, a family of tarantulas crawled down my throat while I was sleeping, but my kidney held their arms while my small intestine choked them out, and now I would poop out spiders for the next few days, but I'll also do a lot of late night television for being literally the toughest dude alive. Like I said, I have quite the imagination. But no, it was just a kidney stone.

But don't get it twisted, kidney stones are no joke. But I'll tackle that topic next time.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl for All - Part 4

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

My God, we have made it to the semifinals. Sure, it's with two guys who didn't win their first round fight, but that means that two guys DID win their first round fight. Sure, one of the guys shouldn't have won his second round fight, but that still leaves one guy who legitimately won both of his first fights. So yeah, the tournament is going great! Let's get to the fights, where things continue to go downhill

Round 3 - Bart Gunn vs. The Godfather
This was when the WWE couldn't help themselves. Bart Gunn got the only knockout of the tournament when he upset Dr. Death Steve Williams. So to build anticipation for Gunn's semifinal matchup with The Godfather, Gunn "knocked out" Vader outside of the ring. I don't know why the WWE hated Vader so much, but they must have really hated Vader.

As for the fight, how serious was The Godfather about the fight? Well, this is how serious he was about the fight.
A man's got to get a ho train going before a big fight, but those hoes weren't just for show. They were part of a bigger plan where The Godfather offered up his hoes for the night if Bart Gunn would walk away from the Brawl for All tournament. This is definitely what should have happened as Gunn was the only guy with two legitimate wins, so it would have been perfect for him to drop out of the tournament in order to have free sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, he declined, so I had to watch them fight.

Bart Gunn used defense to win the first round. It wasn't conventional defense, but his strategy of just leaning really far back was good enough where The Godfather really couldn't connect on anything. The second round was fairly even, and The Godfather probably landed more punches, but then he got caught with a left and got knocked down at the end of the round. Coming out for round three, The Godfather had not completely recovered, and then Bart Gunn did this.
And Bart Gunn was moving on to the finals. You can watch the whole, wondrous fight below.

Round 3: Bradshaw vs. Darren Drozdov
A matchup of two guys who probably shouldn't be there, since Drozdov advanced after a draw in the first round, and Bradshaw advanced thanks to an illegal takedown in his second round match. But we did get a tale of the tape before the match that highlighted that Bradshaw likes football and bar room brawling, while Droz also likes football, but complements that with tattoos and puking. Should be a hell of a fight, folks.

In the first round, Droz had some luck with wild hooks, but then Bradshaw seemed to be able to time those out and make Bradshaw pay as his punches were way straighter than anything Drozdov was throwing. In the second round, Droz's flails actually seemed to work as his wild shots were actually finding their mark. He then put an exclamation point on the round by hitting a takedown. Bradshaw then landed slightly more punches in a sloppy third round. I had the score at 10-10, but they gave the decision to Bradshaw, probably because they didn't want to put this on TV any longer than they had to.

Brawl For It All Fight 9 by xusername26x
And that sets up the finals of Bradshaw vs. Bart Gunn. I know it's so exciting that you probably can't wait, but you're going to have to, because I will recap the finals next time. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl for All - Part 3

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

Finally, we have made it to Round 2. In round one, we saw Steve Blackman, Bradshaw, Savio Vega, Bart Gunn, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Dan Severn, and 2 Cold Scorpio win their matches. that's only seven, as Hawk and Darren Drozdov fought to a draw, so it was impossible to know who would be advancing in that one. Actually, it was nearly impossible to know who was going to advance in any of the matches as we will get to as we move through a totally nonsensical second round.

Round 2: Dr. Death Steve Williams vs. Bart Gunn
This was the most memorable fight in Brawl for All, as Dr. Death was the guy that the WWE wanted to win this thing, as they could then push him forward like a legitimate badass, much like he was when he was successful in Japan. Dr. Death started out well as he easily landed a takedown in the first few seconds of the match. He actually didn't do that bad in the boxing aspect of that first round either despite having his hips as far back behind his body as possible and leading with his head while throwing all of his punches, which is probably the worst possible striking strategy as you will have no power and your chin will be completely exposed to counter strikes. Even in the second round, Bart Gunn didn't do much striking wise, but he did surprise Williams with a takedown near the end of the round. Then the third round happened, and towards the end both guys started throwing as many punches as possible, and Gunn eventually landed with a left hook that turned out the lights on Dr. Death.

Brawl For It All Fight 6 by xusername26x
Looking back, I think the rules really hurt Dr. Death. Anytime they were in the ropes they broke, and in fact, anytime that Dr. Death worked a tie up so he could go for a takedown, the ref immediately broke things up, because he had no concept of how most takedowns occur. Had Dr. Death been allowed to work his strength, he could have won, but Bart Gunn instead would move on to the semifinals. .

Round 2: The Godfather vs. 2 Cold Scorpio
You may remember The Godfather from his loss to Dan Severn. Dan Severn withdrew from the tournament after dominating his first match, which was kind of nice, because now we wouldn't know who was definitely going to win the damn thing. Nearly as sad was 2 Cold Scorpio, who won his match, but they didn't bother televising it and only showed highlights. Still, the pre-match was fantastic as The Godfather offered Scorpio all of his hoes if he would walk away from competing in Brawl for All. Scorpio declined, and we were left with black-on-black violence. The Godfather actually looked rather impressive in this fight, as he he utilized his jab, pushed Scorpio back to the corner and really worked the body over when he got him there. On top of that, he had his hoes rub him down in between rounds to keep him fresh. That's a pimp move.

Brawl For It All Fight 7 by xusername26x

Round 2: Darren Drozdov vs. Savio Vega
Drozdov fought to a draw in his opening match against Road Warrior Hawk, who was battling alcoholism in real life at the time. Drozdov moved on, because the WWE decided they would exploit Hawk's issues with alcohol into a television storyline. It's almost as uncomfortable as watching promos of Chris Benoit stealing Woman from Kevn Sullivan. Savio Vega at least won his first round match.

The first round was fairly even, although not all that good, as Savio Vega kept slipping, and neither guy really landed anything of significance. Savio had cleaner boxing, but Droz's hooks were finding their mark, and Savio got a little too obsessed with takedowns, as his wrestling was not good enough to secure them. Droz started going for takedowns in the second and third round, and that was more than enough to secure his victory. They both only won one match, but Drozdov won his at the right time and moved on to the semifinals of Brawl for All.

Round 2: Bradshaw vs. Marc Mero
"Marvelous" Marc Mero had the chance to be the third guy who did not win his first round match to somehow, inexplicably, make it to the semifinals of Brawl for All. He lost to Steve Blackman, who outside of Dan Severn, probably looked like the favorite after the first round but had to withdraw from injury. So he took on the big Texan, Bradshaw. These guys probably had the best staredown, which was good, because that was the only thing they were the best at.

In the first round, Marc Mero basically lit him up on the feet as he was the only one who could land any sort of significant strikes. But Bradshaw got a takedown, so they went into round two all tied up. The second round was basically the exact same thing. Round three was when controversy hit, as Mero totally lit up Bradshaw on the feet again, Bradshaw clinched, the referee wanted a break, started counting, got to three and then Bradshaw got a takedown. The ref counted the takedown which meant that it was all tied up at 15 at the end of regulation.

Mero was rightfully pissed, especially since he would lost in overtime after Bradshaw hit a takedown and I'm not sure if either guy landed a punch int he fourth round since they were both completely winded from three one-minute rounds.

Brawl For It All Fight 8 by xusername26x

And we have made it to the end of round 2. Onto the semifinals where half of the contestants didn't win their first round match, another one only won his second round match on an illegal takedown, and one guy who had a legitimate knockout, but no worries on that last one as his story will get some kayfabe added into it to make this a complete shitshow. I love Brawl for All.