Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Ultimate Warrior in WCW: What Went Wrong?

Ultimate Warrior is one of the greatest wrestling characters in history. No, he was not the most technically gifted performer, but that didn't take away from the fact that he was totally awesome. He was not a totally awesome as a person, because, really, his thoughts on homosexuals is still far more offensive than Hulk Hogan saying a racial slur in private (neither is good). There are so many things you can talk about with the Ultimate Warrior, but I would like to focus on the most stupid one: His late career run in WCW. Spoiler alert: It was so bad.

WCW had one goal when they brought in the Ultimate Warrior, and that was to play to all of his weaknesses. The Ultimate Warrior was never very good at speaking.

The WWE did their best to hide this weakness by only letting him do backstage promos for 30 second stretches where he could just be super energetic without having to actually make sense in anything that he said.

Of course, WCW gave him live promos where he was forced to give long, drawn out speeches. Ultimate Warrior's schtick worked best in quick bursts of nonsense, long diatribes of nonsense only worked great at killing a crowd. So his debut definitely involved Warrior going on for twenty minutes where he accused Hulk Hogan of shitting his pants. Grade A work.

Ultimate Warrior wasn't really a wrestler, at least not a competent one; he was a body. The WWE displayed that body, and even though the Warrior had lost some size later on in his career, he was still jacked by any measurement. Still, the WCW put him in jeans, a duster, and wrestling boots. Ultimate Warrior's greatest attribute as a professional wrestler was just looking like The Ultimate Warrior. WCW decided to cover him up.

Finally, Ultimate Warrior had one of the best entrances in pro wrestling history. They gave him metal music and had him sprint down to the ring. Instead they made this his theme, and gave him a trap door to rise into the ring from. So instead of sprinting in, kicking ass, and sprinting out, he came through a trap door and escaped through a trap door like a coward. Ultimate Warrior should never be using nefarious ways to escape; he should be clotheslining his way out of every situation. In fact, that is how WCW should have brought him back. Just send him to every day activities, and have him clothesline his way through DMV lines, body press a car to change a tire, and give a big splash to a tarantula. That would have been awesome.

He only had three matches, and only one singles match. We'll start there with the most overbooked match in wrestling history, Hogan vs. Warrior II, Electric Boogaloo. It was two wrestlers who were well past their prime, who were never known for their in-ring work, and they tried to recreate magic from nearly a decade earlier. It did not go well. There was the flame paper that Hogan tried to throw at Warrior, and that, uh, didn't come close to working properly. Then, Hogan won the match with help from Horace, who had just left the flock to be outed as Hogan's nephew. Honestly, by that point, I think everyone in the crowd was just happy it was over.

The second match Warrior had actually could have been cool as he tagged with his old tag partner, Sting, to take on Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan. I say it could have been cool had they actually had four of the most popular professional wrestlers in history just have a match, because by just having those guys out there, the crowd would have been way into it. Instead, they managed to put on one of the worst tag matches ever. Sting got beat up for five minutes, finally made the tag to Warrior, who never took off his stupid airbrushed duster jacket and cleaned house until the nWo interfered a minute later. Then Warrior filled the ring with smoke so he could escape.

His final match was a 3 on 3 on 3 match where he was on Team WCW with Roddy Piper and DDP to take on Team nWo Black and White with Hogan, Bret Hart, and Stevie Ray, and nWo Wolfpack with Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, and Sting. Yes, Sting, the ultimate WCW guy, was in that weird stage where he just up and decided he was no longer brooding, and wore red face paint. It was a 25 minute match, and Warrior was out there for three minutes, but they at least finally let him run down to the ring, and the crowd went crazy for it. He also tore apart the cage to get to Hogan, which would eventually lead to...nothing. Warrior was never seen or heard from again.

Ultimate Warrior's run in WCW was one giant missed opportunity. You were never going to recreate the magic of WrestleMania VI, but they could have still done some really fun things with him. Instead, they played to his weaknesses and let that initial excitement turn to apathy. It was almost a relief when Warrior disappeared, especially since he didn't need a trap door to do it.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Antwun Echols and the Curse of Being a Good Boxer

I was watching the documentary, Counterpunch, on Netflix this past week, and as I was following these three boxers at different stages of their career, it sent me down a Wikipedia rabbit hole of boxers. It took a lot of twists and turns and eventually led me to the Wikipedia page for Antwun Echols. Now unless you are a hardcore boxing fan or from Davenport, Iowa, that name probably doesn't mean anything to you. But I'm a part of that latter group, so I remember him coming up and being one hell of a boxer.

And he was. After losing his very first fight, he would go on to lose once in his next 24 fights. That was enough for him to earn a shot at Bernard Hopkins, who he took the distance but Echols lost the decision. He ended up winning his next two fights to get another shot at Hopkins, but this time he was stopped in the tenth round. Still, that's Bernard Hopkins, one of the greatest fighters of his generation and Echols was competitive in both fights.

Even after that, he managed to win seven of his next eight fights, winning the NABF Super Middleweight Title but losing his chance at the WBA Super Middleweight Title. Still, at this point, he had amassed a 31-5-1 record which isn't going to make him one of the greats, but it's still a pretty damn good career. 

Unfortunately, Echols career continued, as he has had another 22 fights since then. Echols was no longer the young up-and-comer who was smashing stepping stones on his way to title shots. Now, he was the stepping stone, continually put against top prospects. The fights got worse and worse as he went from losing decisions to losing by knockout. He has gone 1-18-3 in those last 22 fights. His one win was against a fighter who had a record of 0-8-2, but Fred Thomas is now 1-15-2, so Echols may have been lucky to meet him before Thomas reached his prime. Probably his most impressive accomplishment in this run is getting knocked out in the third round in seven consecutive fights, a streak that was ended when he lost in 8 seconds in his last fight.

As if that wasn't bad enough, during this run of awful fights, he was also shot in the leg trying to break up a fight. Then, he was immediately arrested at the hospital for possession of crack and failure to pay child support.

And about that child support, despite being busy with a boxing career, that did not stop Echols from getting busy in other ways. In 2013, Echols said in an interview that he "thinks" he has 23 kids. Maybe saddest of all, but definitely most delusional of all, is that when Echols was on a run of 1-14-3, he still had title aspirations

Echols had a great career, fighting for multiple championships but never bringing home the big time titles. Then he had a second career as a punching bag, and nobody was there to tell him that even if the money was decent, it's not a real career. But promoters were willing to keep giving him opportunity, because he was a good name in the boxing community. It didn't matter that he was no longer the same guy; it was actually better. He was the perfect stepping stone. The guy has clearly taken so much damage that he's susceptible to being knocked out by anyone, and that is exactly what's happened.

This story is about Antwun Echols, but it could easily be about dozens of other boxers that hang on for far too long with nobody around them willing or convincing enough to step in and stop them. Antwun Echols rose up from nothing to make something of himself through boxing. Now it appears that boxing will bring him right back to where he started. It's nearly impossible to see a happy ending to this story, so at this point, I'm just hoping for one that isn't tragic.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 6

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

It all started with Marc Mero getting beaten up by Steve Blackman. Blackman never lost, but that doesn't mean he made the finals. We continued with Dan Severn beating up The Godfather, but Severn also dropped out of the tournament. We then went on to the second round where Bradshaw also beat Marc MeroFinally, we made it to the semifinals, where Bart Gunn gave The Godfather his second loss of the tournament. Finally, Bart Gunn completed his amazing tournament by knocking out Bradshaw. 

And even though last time we were able to crown a champion, that's not truly where Brawl For All ended. Because it was such a massive failure, why not extend it for one more match, six months later? Maybe in six months you can get nostalgia for something nobody enjoyed? Add a super fat guy, and you've got a recipe for success.

This was not Butterbean's first foray into a WWE ring, as about a year and a half earlier, he took on Marc Mero in a boxing match that was clearly a work, as Butterbean was taking cheap shots on Mero, and Mero was raking eyes with boxing gloves and choking Mr. Bean with tape. Outside of the WWE Network, the only place to watch it is an incredibly obscure website dedicated to Brock Lesnar and Sable. That's probably for the best.

But that leads us to our main event, the greatest fight of all time, Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn. Since Bart Gunn won Brawl For All in August, he used that to catapult his career to...uh...honestly, even more irrelevance than ever. Like, it's truly incredible how irrelevant he became. After winning Brawl For All, he had one wrestling match before his fight with Butterbean, a Hardcore Title match he lost to Bob Holly in February of 1999.

So, yeah, people were jacked for this Butterbean fight. Now of course a fight of this magnitude could only be settled at the Grand Daddy of Them All, WrestleMania XV. Bart Gunn now had a nickname, as he was now Bart "The Hammer" Gunn. How do you not make your name The Nail? Nailgun? Come on, it's too easy. When it comes to nicknames, I guess you could say I "Nailed" it.


You're probably not going to believe this, but the wrestler who has dabbled in punching did not fare too well against the World Champion Boxer. The fight started with Butterbean throwing a two-punch combo that LITERALLY spun Bart Gunn around. And things actually got worse from there. Butterbean started attacking the body just to set up a body-head combo that knocked Gunn loopy before Butterbean knocked him down. Bart Gunn got up, and Bart Gunn really shouldn't have gotten up.
Yeah, that body-head combo got him again.

Basically, Bart Gunn trained boxing casually where Butterbean was an actual boxer. It would be like Conor McGregor trying to fight Floyd Mayweather, and yes, trust me, when that match goes down, McGregor has less than a zero percent chance of winning. But even though McGregor has no chance of being a Boxing Champion, he actually currently holds a much MUCH more prestigious title.

Conor McGregor is your current WWE Brawl For All Lineal Champion. This is clearly why Floyd Mayweather wants this fight. The chance to retire with the greatest title in all of combat sports is too much for him to pass up. Yes, Floyd claims that he only cares about money, but the Brawl For All Title is truly priceless.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Which US Wrestlers Should Transition to MMA?

The United States World Team Trials for freestyle wrestling happened last weekend, and, as always, it was one of the most underrated sporting events of the year. Incredible battles with incredible drama led to this being one of the most memorable team trials in recent history. Some guy's dreams came true, while far more were left with bitter disappointment. But disappointment can lead to opportunity, so I wanted to take a look to find out who would best transition from the sport of wrestling to the sport of mixed martial arts.

I'm only going to be looking at guys who fell short at the trials, because the guys who won clearly have some wrestling left to do in their careers. I also won't be including guys still in college, as I don't see any wrestler abandoning wrestling altogether at that age. So let's start at 57 KG (pounds will be put in their likely weight class as opposed to the exact KG equivalent) and work our way up.

57 KG - Nahshon Garrett (125 pounds)
Garrett hasn't had a great transition from folkstyle to freestyle, as this year he was on the losing end of a technical fall in his first match against Alan Waters, followed by a decision loss to Darian Cruz. Still, Garrett is an explosive athlete that can absolutely overwhelm opponents. In college, he would overwhelm opponents with his athleticism. With that sort of style, he could make an immediate impact in mixed martial arts, and considering the athlete that he is, it's not hard to envision him becoming good in all aspects of fighting. Of course, considering he got an education from Cornell, it wouldn't be surprising if he was too smart to get in the fight game.

61 KG - Joe Colon (135 pounds)
Colon is another guy who struggled at the team trials, as he went 1-2, only managing a win over NCAA runner-up, Seth Gross. But again, his struggles in freestyle do not take away from his incredible physicality. Colon is the type of wrestler that can simply overwhlem his opponents. His freestyle technique is nowhere near the best, but that technique will still be better than anybody he faces in MMA, and it's the physicality that will put him over the top.

65 KG - Jordan Oliver (145 pounds)
Unlike everyone else on this list, Oliver did not compete at the US Team Trials, but that was due to a drug suspension as opposed to not being good enough. I mean, with a drug suspension already on his record, he's basically living that MMA lifestyle already. Also, Oliver has consistently fell short of representing the United States in international competition. At first, Brent Metcalf got the better of him, then it was Molinaro, and now, when he had his best shot, he got popped for performance enhancing drugs, and Zain Retherford looks to be the guy taking over the weight class. I think it's time for a change of competition if he wants to make an impact in athletics.

70 KG - Dylan Ness (155 pounds)
Dylan Ness is funk personified. He is incredible at getting in the weirdest possible positions and somehow always coming out in an advantageous spot. No one has shown this sort of funk acumen since Ben "Funky" Askren. Now, Ness is not the wrestler that Askren was, but Askren has shown the blueprint for how to transition his skillset into mixed martial arts. Was it all just the wrestling of Askren that led him to greatness, or are funky wrestlers better at translating their skills to fighting? I would love to see Ness give it a go so we could find out.

74 KG - Kyle Dake (170 pounds)
74 KG is likely the most loaded weight class for potential MMA superstars. Jordan Burroughs could be amazing, but after pulling off another victory at the trials, he was ineligible for this list as he definitely has some more wrestling in his future. Isaiah Martinez is an absolute beast, but he's still in college, so he has some growth to do. I went back and forth on the last two guys, but eventually went with Kyle Dake over Alex Dieringer. Dieringer is still young and seemed to close the gap on Dake, so he very well may be the future of the weight class when Burroughs retires. Of course, he may never be able to pass up Dake, as it is not like Dake doesn't still have some strong years in him. Still, I went with Dake as "Kid Dynamite" would simply be too much fun to see in MMA. Dake is not only explosive, but even in college, he was smart enough to do whatever it took to win, never worrying about being the most exciting guy, just being concerned with being the best. I would love to see him transition that wrestling acumen to fighting.

86 KG - David Taylor (185 pounds)
I cannot imagine David Taylor making the transition to MMA, but it'd be pretty cool if he did.

97 KG - Kyven Gadson (205 pounds)
Gadson is the last American to beat super human wrestling machine, Kyle Snyder, but Snyder showed that things have changed quite a bit in the last two years. With Snyder around, there really isn't any future for Gadson to represent the United States. Still, you'd have trouble finding a wrestler with a much higher ceiling than Gadson. His biggest issue has always been consistency. Although he's not Kyle Snyder, he's still really good at wrestling, and he has the skills to give a lot of people trouble in what isn't all that deep of a weight class.

125 KG - Tony Nelson (HWT)
So right now the best choice would seem to be Nick Gwiazdowski, but since he's busy dominating the American Heavyweight division in wrestling, I had to move on to someone else. Although I wanted to be a homer and go for former Hawkeye, Bobby Telford, I think the former Golden Gopher, Tony Nelson is probably the best choice. Looking at the heavyweight division, I feel like Nelson could be a top-10 UFC heavyweight within a couple years.

Wrestling is the world's toughest sport, and that is why wrestlers do such a good job when moving to mixed martial arts. I have no doubt that if these guys would do great if they decided to make the transition. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Matters of Size Is the Only Penis Exercise Motivation You Need

Occasionally, the blogging gods will look down on you and smile. Last week was one of those times as I got a notification of a new Twitter follower. Although @MoSNetwork meant little to me at first glance, I then saw the name attached, Matters of Size. I then saw the profile, and my interest was officially piqued when I read the following:

A BROTHERHOOD of over 150,000 men exploring men's issues & natural male enhancement exercises on the world famous MOS Forums.

I thought for sure that would be the best part, but then I saw the profile picture, and I nearly spit all over myself.
That is just...that's amazing. The overly gelled hair, the earring, the chain, and that extra thick t-shirt. And that's before we go to the face where he is making a face I didn't know really existed, but without words, he seems to be saying "Hey, are you going to eat that earwax?"

And the tweets? The tweets are all incredible. Like, this man puts out more gold in a week than the best accounts do in a month. Here are the best tweets from a quick scroll down the timeline.
This is important, because you can only talk about penis size so much. Occasionally, the MoSNetwork needs to show that they're just some regular guys, paling around, talking about the big game. Just normal fella stuff.

When it comes to matters involving the penis, I would say that some of the worst advice possible is keep grinding. Rubbing, sure. Caressing? Oh yeah. Find a partner and have some fun? Well, that one sounds great in theory, but a little harder to pull off in practice. Still, though. Sometimes I don't feel motivated, and I am really doubting that grinding my dick is the answer.


Because it's all about getting a bigger penis, get it?

Best Father's Day gift ever! I seriously can't stop laughing about this tweet. I have been trying to come up with a situation where a son would give this as a gift to his father. Like, first, the son has to have had something happen to lead him to the MoSNetwork. But then, on top of that, their father must be so mentally unstable that he talks to his son about how badly he wishes his penis was bigger. Like, this conversation would have had to have happened at some point.

Son: Great news, Dad. I got you a new pitching wedge.
Dad (stares off into the distance): That's great, son.
Son: What's wrong?
Dad: A pitching wedge? It just reminds me of how sad it is when I pitch a pants tent, and it's driving a wedge between me and potential mates.
Son: Wait, what?
Dad: I wish I had a bigger penis. If only there was a way...
Son: There is.
(Dad gives shocked expression with single tear of joy rolling down his face)

Well, I guess when you put it like that, it's pretty beautiful.

Thank you, Matters of Size. Without even going to your website, you have already given me plenty of content. Out of all of the penis exercise motivation websites that I've come across, I rank yours number one (out of one). Keep grinding.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 5

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

It all started with Marc Mero getting beaten up by Steve Blackman. Blackman never lost, but that doesn't mean he made the finals. We continued with Dan Severn beating up The Godfather, but Severn also dropped out of the tournament. We then went on to the second round where Bradshaw also beat Marc Mero. Finally, we made it to the semifinals, where Bart Gunn gave The Godfather his second loss of the tournament.

And now we have made it to the finals of the tournament. Bart Gunn made it there by annihilating his opponents, and Bradshaw made it there through cheating and very friendly scorecards, but they both made it there.

Bradshaw actually came out with a good strategy as he connected with a few straight jabs to start off the fight. Then Bart Gunn started swinging wild hooks, so Bradshaw decided to start swinging wild hooks; this was a less good strategy on Bradshaw's part. What immediately became clear was that Bradshaw was throwing pillows while Gunn was throwing bombs. It did not help that Bradshaw basically started throwing both his left and right hand at once, and there's a reason you've never seen that in professional fighting; it's because it doesn't work. And with both hands away from protecting his head, Bart Gunn decided to throw a hook at his head. It connected, Bradshaw fell on his face, managed to get up at an eight count, then Bart Gunn did it again. The whole thing only lasted 41 seconds, and Bart Gunn was your first ever Brawl For All Champion.

My favorite part was Jim Ross remarking after the fight, "Are you gonna see this anywhere else?" And it's kind of an amazing comment as, yes, you could watch Toughman Contests, which is basically what the WWE wanted this tournament to be. Or, you could watch the UFC, which had guys who would absolutely annihilate anyone in this tournament.

And that concludes the Brawl For All tournament. It was not good, but it was strangely fascinating. Like, I thought for sure that Dr. Death would dominate this tournament, and had the rules been more conducive to grinding for a takedown as opposed to only allowing a blast double, he might have done that. After that, I'm still wondering how tough Steve Blackman really was and whether Marc Mero, a traditional boxer, could have given Bart Gunn trouble since his biggest weakness was just stopping takedowns. It was fascinating; it was not good.

Oh, and even though the tournament is over. There is still a part 6 to look forward to (or dread, depending on your stance). We bring a ringer to the ring to see if anyone can stop the dominance of Bart Gunn.

Monday, June 12, 2017

What It's Like to Have a Kidney Stone: My Week of Pain

Last time, I regaled the audience with my tale of going to the emergency room. Although it felt like an alien was in my body waiting to get out to kill me, it turned out it was only a kidney stone. I say only a kidney stone, because a kidney stone just doesn't sound that impressive. When I heard kidney stone, I knew I'd be fine. I did not know how painful the process was going to be until I was fine. You know how people use the expression, "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." Having a kidney stone is the perfect thing to wish upon your worst enemy. Long-term, they'll be fine, but having a kidney stone is brutal, and it may be the most ideal thing to wish upon your worst enemy as you'll see below.

Thursday
When I left the emergency room, it was after midnight, but I needed to pick up Hydrocodone for the pain and FloMax for help urinating. I took my pain medicine and immediately went to sleep when I got home.

Honestly, the next morning I didn't feel too bad. It kind of felt like the pain medicine was going to make me fairly functional with everything, and since it was just a kidney stone, I figured I could power through. I went to work and planned on going about my day as usual.

That plan worked for approximately two hours before I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. I'm not sure why I felt so good that first morning, but that good feeling went away, and I was left with horrific pain that made it impossible to focus. I called it a day early and headed home before lunch. I was excited to eat leftover lasagna for lunch, but my stomach wasn't feeling all that well, so I settled for a cheese burrito (cheese, tortilla, hot sauce, it's perfect for kids and adults who just need calories) since I needed to eat something before I took my pee medicine.

After that, it was an exciting day of lying in bed and drinking as much water as possible. I know that doesn't sound exciting, but I started binging wrestling at a ridiculous pace. I watched old Nitros, old Raws, old NXTs, and even old Lucha Undergrounds. It was interesting enough to try to keep my mind on it while also not being so interesting that I'd really be worried if I dozed off for a while. And I did manage to doze off, but only for 10-15 minute stretches.

That is because my body was not digging this kidney stone. The pain from the stone, even with pain killers made my body seize up constantly, so I was basically flexing every muscle in my core for 48 straight hours. On top of this, when I get sick, the first thing that my body loses control of is its ability to control my temperature, so I went from sweating profusely to shaking uncontrollably all day long. Every trip to the bathroom was an adventure as any time I got out of bed, it hurt like hell so my entire body seized up, and since I had just gotten off a hard workout the night before, the muscles got sore pretty quick, so I was constantly flexing sore muscles and it felt like my body was in zero degree temperatures as I could not stop shaking. Thank God for FloMax though, because I could barely feel anything downstairs, but my stream was STRONG. I'm not sure if it works on the other substance coming out of urethras, but if so, adult film stars should definitely be using this stuff for great climax scenes.

I think I might be getting slightly off track.

Anyway, the pain was also so intense that it made me vomit yet again. It is amazing how disgusting vomiting is but how good you feel afterwards. I felt like I had a glow to me. I know it was probably just yesterday's meal and spit dripping from my face, but it sure felt nice.

As you can probably tell, the pain medicine was not nearly as impressive as the FloMax. With the Hydrocodone, you're supposed to take some every 4-6 hours. I was counting down the minutes to that four hour mark, because my body was craving more. I was looking at my clock constantly, convinced that an hour, or at least 45 minutes had passed. It was always the same story, only 15 minutes had gone by. Occasionally, I had to use some rounding and take it more in the 3-3.5 hour range, but even with the relief, I was still left in significant pain. Apparently hospitals have better pain medicine than they give the patients to take home with them. A smarter person may have consulted a medical professional about getting something better, and/or upping the dosage, but since I am a proud (stupid) man, I decided that I would be fine without the help of professionals.

The only other exciting thing is I found the best sleeping position for me, on my right side, slightly curled, multiple pillows and single arm under my head. It didn't work all the time, but it was better than any other position the majority of the time. This took a lot of trial and error, and that means it may have been the most exciting part of my day.

Friday
Remember how I felt pretty good on Thursday morning? That was not the case on Friday as the only time I got out of bed that entire morning was for water and to go to the bathroom. I was still violently shaking any time I got out from under the covers. (it looked like Scott Hall was zapping me with a cattle prod). And when I was under the covers, I was sweating enough to fill my pool.

Although I didn't have the good morning feel on Friday, overall, the pain was less than it had been the day before. Still, there was basically nothing I could do to get totally comfortable, and the pain medicine simply wasn't doing the trick.

But thanks to Flomax, I kept pissing away, and I'm pretty sure that I passed the stone in the late afternoon on Friday. How did I not know that stone had come out of my pee hole? Well, I was in a lot of side and back pain and was pretty numb to anything downstairs (so maybe that's where all the pain medicine went to), but after that, it seemed like the pain dropped down a level.

I also think I watched ten straight episodes of Lucha Underground on this day. That part was awesome.

Saturday
The two highlights of Saturday were the two times that my wife tried to kill me. She saw me at my weakest point and thought this might be the time to finish me off, but I'm still here, typing away, letting the world know my struggle.

The first was when I asked her to do me a favor and get me ibuprofen from the store, as it was safe to combo with that weak ass Hydrocodone if necessary. She came back and tried to feed me acetaminophen, which would not be safe since the Hydrocodone already has that pain relief ingredient in it. She "claims" it was just a mistake, but she's going to have to do better than that to get rid of me.

The second was when she asked me to do her a favor. Since I was spending my days alternating between shaking from the cold or sweating puddles, my aroma was not the most appealing thing about me at the moment. She gently asked me if I could take a shower. She outsmarted me on this one, I gotta admit. I took a shower, and the shower part was okay, but getting out of the shower dropped my internal body temperature to about 17 degrees. I tried to dry and put on clothes as quickly as I could so I could hop in bed and get under the covers, but my wife was one step ahead of me and had stripped the bed to do laundry. Casey the Dog was in on the plan and she was lying on the only nearby blanket. The only thing I could do was go out to the living room and go to that vixen to hope she'd spare me a blanket. Luckily, she saw pity on me in my weakened state, and I was able to recover from her second murder attempt. She's still stuck with me.

Sunday
Sunday was a pretty good day. I was having pains, but I was taking a major step in the right direction. I was weak, but it wasn't too bad. I figured I'd be good for work the next day.

Then, as I was trying to go to sleep, sharper pain came coming back, and it just would not go away. Had this pain happened during the day, it would have been painful and inconvenient, but when you're trying to go to sleep, it is the most miserable experience. This kept me up until about 2:30 in the morning, which was not ideal.

Monday
Monday morning brought more of that pain from the night before. The pain should have stopped shortly after passing the stone, but we were now on day three after the stone had passed, and I was still suffering. This finally led me to two revelations.

1. If one Ibuprofen helped with some of the pain, then two Ibuprofen might help with all of the pain, and it certainly did. I was pounding them every four hours, but it at least made me nearly functional.

2. I also realized why I was still in pain. When people usually start feeling pain from a kidney stone, they go to the hospital or know enough to take pain medicine. When I had a kidney stone, I spent the first half hour taking turns getting slammed onto my back, and slamming somebody else on their back during wrestling practice. I then did intense ab workouts where I twisted my body while going for armbars and triangle chokes. Since I was so full of adrenaline, it took an hour before I realized something was seriously wrong with me. I am thinking that this is not the most conducive activities to avoiding complications from the kidney stone.

Tuesday
I got a little bit better, but Tuesday was nothing special.

Wednesday
I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and needed pain medicine.

I woke up at 6:30 and needed more pain medicine.

Then, I got to 10:30 and still felt fine.

11:30, still good to go.

12:30, um, this is fairly nice.

1:30, 2:30, 3:30, etc. and I just all of a sudden stopped needing pain medicine. My appetite had been pretty pathetic since this started, but I was able to eat far more than I had been eating. I still wasn't up to my normal habits, but I practically doubled what I had been surviving on.

And then I realized, hey, it's Wednesday night, I've got wrestling and jiu jitsu tonight. I considered it for about four seconds before I realized that it may be the worst idea I have ever had, and my wife may kill me if I even brought up the idea. But even though I wasn't quite ready for practice, I was finally getting back to normal.

I couldn't believe how badly a kidney stone "rocked" my world. Puns aside, it was totally miserable, and I do wish it upon my worst enemies. May they suffer like I did, so they can turn into a crybaby bitch like I did for a week. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

My Trip to the Emergency Room

I am somebody who is pretty damn healthy for 32 years of age. I run multiple times a week, play with the dog and go through jiu jitsu and wrestling training every week. I have been fortunate as I haven't really run into any serious health issues. I make health conscious decisions, and it has paid off for me.

But last Wednesday I was in so much pain that an emergency room visit was my only option.

Wednesday nights are the nights where I get my ass kicked. I have an hour of wrestling followed by an hour plus of jiu jitsu. I made it through wrestling just fine and continued on to jiu jitsu. As we were doing drills, I just felt tight, like something wasn't totally right. I thought I just needed to stretch out more, but after about a half hour, we were about ready to go live, and my right side was so tight that I really couldn't twist my body. I spent about 30 seconds debating on whether I should just push through and keep going before wisely deciding that I needed to bow out of practice. I tried to walk it off, but things were definitely not improving, so I decided to head home.

As I was driving home, something horrible happened; my adrenaline wore off, and I realized I wasn't tight, I was in extreme pain. I tried to find an urgent care place but the one I found was closing in 15 minutes, and I kind of doubted my issue was going to be solved in 15 minutes. After that, the pain was too much for me think straight, so I didn't have the mental capacity to find an alternative option. I called my wife, let her know that I needed her to find a hospital and drive me there when I got home. After I hung up the phone, I had one goal, and that was to stay conscious through the pain to make sure I didn't go careening off the road. This is the first piece of evidence that I a melodramatic baby.

I made it home, and we set off for the hospital. On the way there, the pain got so bad that I nearly vomited, so I was stuck taking everything out of my dog's travel bag so I would have a place to puke. But I held it together and we made it to the small medical facility.

I signed in and was able to get a room in about five minutes. Unfortunately, that was just a room, and that didn't mean I was getting any actual medical attention. As I was waiting, I kept going to the bathroom as I felt I needed to drop a deuce, but every time I sat on the can, the feeling went away. Since I was just stewing in my own pain and filth (I had 90 minutes of sweat built up around my body from the workout), I paced around the bathroom, breathing heavy, half the time with my shorts around my ankles. It was not my sexiest moment.

During this wait, I had time to consider my options. This pain was terrible, and I'd be lying if I didn't think that I might need emergency surgery to save my life. Was this dramatic of me? Of course it was, and I'm not proud of it, but unexpected and unexplainable pain like that leads my mind to start working on the emotional side as opposed to the logical side. 

Still, I came up with three possible options for what ailed me. A sharp pain in my side, my mind immediately went to appendicitis. Like, I have heard that an appendix bursting is an unbearable pain, and this seemed pretty damn unbearable to me. But I thought there were usually warning signs before it got this intense, so after some contemplation, I put the odds fairly low on this one. Next up was maybe tearing a muscle during the workout, but it was a throb, more than just feeling like I had been stabbed, so I kind of doubted this option. The option I was most sold on was a hernia, as it was a pain that went from my front to my back straight through and just felt awful all around. 

Finally the nurse came in, but that was mostly just to tell me that the doctor would be a while. Basically, until the doctor saw me, they really couldn't do shit. So I sat there, laid there, and stood there, all in various states of horrific pain, making weird whimpers of pain all the while. I got an IV, but that was just to keep me hydrated for the time being. The nurse wrongly claimed that I didn't have that great of veins, but my veins are phenomenal.

Finally, the doctor saw me and agreed to give me medicine for pain and nausea. This only took me two hours. I could barely speak before getting that medicine, as I mostly communicated in grunts. But once that pain medicine hit? Ooh, girl, I was feeling good. So good. Was I still in pain? Yeah, but my pain went from 9.0-9.5 down to like a 3 or 4. I immediately wanted to start tweeting and Snapchatting my experience, but my wife wouldn't let me since there was still the possibility that I was going to need a serious surgery, and she was, like, concerned and stuff. Me? I didn't have a care in the world. I was slightly loopy, but it was just such a damn relief that it felt like euphoria. 

Finally, it was time for me to get a CAT scan. They were wheeling me over, and I was shaking uncontrollably. They thought that I was nervous, but I had to let them know that I was simply freezing. Hospitals tend to keep things on the cool side, and considering I was wearing clothes that were soaking wet from the gym. Maybe my best decision that night was having my wife grab my dry underwear from the car so I could put that on shortly after arriving at the emergency room. 

The CAT scan was fairly simple. They warned me that I would get an iodine shot that would make me feel warm and possibly make me think I was peeing myself but not to worry about it. The latter didn't happen, but man, when I got that iodine shot, all of that warmth they talked about went straight to my butthole. It wasn't an unpleasant experience, more like my body was in a pool while my butthole was in a hot tub. Then they scanned me, and I was good to go back in my room, cover up with blankets and watch hockey.

Things stayed relatively calm for the most part, but apparently the nausea medicine didn't take as I did finally fulfill my destiny and start vomiting profusely. That was just my body's hilarious way of saying that there was still something horribly wrong with me. 

After another hour, the doctor finally came in to give me the results. She started off by saying that my appendix looked great. I'm almost positive that this is how ER doctors flirt with patients, so I'm pretty sure that she was asking me out on a date. You know what they say about a guy with a great appendix? Neither do I, but I assume ladies in the medical community go crazy for them.

And then she dropped the bomb on me. What had caused me so much pain, what had caused the most manly of men to turn into the babiest of babies, what made this guy want to cry...a kidney stone.

The first emotion I felt was relief. My imagination had been going wild, and I was expecting a worst case scenario. At least this was something that I knew could be taken care of, and I would be healthy relatively soon. It was probably the best case scenario.

But I'd be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed. With the pain I was feeling, I kind of wanted the doctor to find something incredibly wrong with me and marvel at my bravery and pain tolerance. Like, a family of tarantulas crawled down my throat while I was sleeping, but my kidney held their arms while my small intestine choked them out, and now I would poop out spiders for the next few days, but I'll also do a lot of late night television for being literally the toughest dude alive. Like I said, I have quite the imagination. But no, it was just a kidney stone.

But don't get it twisted, kidney stones are no joke. But I'll tackle that topic next time.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl for All - Part 4

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

My God, we have made it to the semifinals. Sure, it's with two guys who didn't win their first round fight, but that means that two guys DID win their first round fight. Sure, one of the guys shouldn't have won his second round fight, but that still leaves one guy who legitimately won both of his first fights. So yeah, the tournament is going great! Let's get to the fights, where things continue to go downhill

Round 3 - Bart Gunn vs. The Godfather
This was when the WWE couldn't help themselves. Bart Gunn got the only knockout of the tournament when he upset Dr. Death Steve Williams. So to build anticipation for Gunn's semifinal matchup with The Godfather, Gunn "knocked out" Vader outside of the ring. I don't know why the WWE hated Vader so much, but they must have really hated Vader.

As for the fight, how serious was The Godfather about the fight? Well, this is how serious he was about the fight.
A man's got to get a ho train going before a big fight, but those hoes weren't just for show. They were part of a bigger plan where The Godfather offered up his hoes for the night if Bart Gunn would walk away from the Brawl for All tournament. This is definitely what should have happened as Gunn was the only guy with two legitimate wins, so it would have been perfect for him to drop out of the tournament in order to have free sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, he declined, so I had to watch them fight.

Bart Gunn used defense to win the first round. It wasn't conventional defense, but his strategy of just leaning really far back was good enough where The Godfather really couldn't connect on anything. The second round was fairly even, and The Godfather probably landed more punches, but then he got caught with a left and got knocked down at the end of the round. Coming out for round three, The Godfather had not completely recovered, and then Bart Gunn did this.
And Bart Gunn was moving on to the finals. You can watch the whole, wondrous fight below.


Round 3: Bradshaw vs. Darren Drozdov
A matchup of two guys who probably shouldn't be there, since Drozdov advanced after a draw in the first round, and Bradshaw advanced thanks to an illegal takedown in his second round match. But we did get a tale of the tape before the match that highlighted that Bradshaw likes football and bar room brawling, while Droz also likes football, but complements that with tattoos and puking. Should be a hell of a fight, folks.

In the first round, Droz had some luck with wild hooks, but then Bradshaw seemed to be able to time those out and make Bradshaw pay as his punches were way straighter than anything Drozdov was throwing. In the second round, Droz's flails actually seemed to work as his wild shots were actually finding their mark. He then put an exclamation point on the round by hitting a takedown. Bradshaw then landed slightly more punches in a sloppy third round. I had the score at 10-10, but they gave the decision to Bradshaw, probably because they didn't want to put this on TV any longer than they had to.

Brawl For It All Fight 9 by xusername26x
And that sets up the finals of Bradshaw vs. Bart Gunn. I know it's so exciting that you probably can't wait, but you're going to have to, because I will recap the finals next time. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl for All - Part 3

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

Finally, we have made it to Round 2. In round one, we saw Steve Blackman, Bradshaw, Savio Vega, Bart Gunn, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Dan Severn, and 2 Cold Scorpio win their matches. that's only seven, as Hawk and Darren Drozdov fought to a draw, so it was impossible to know who would be advancing in that one. Actually, it was nearly impossible to know who was going to advance in any of the matches as we will get to as we move through a totally nonsensical second round.

Round 2: Dr. Death Steve Williams vs. Bart Gunn
This was the most memorable fight in Brawl for All, as Dr. Death was the guy that the WWE wanted to win this thing, as they could then push him forward like a legitimate badass, much like he was when he was successful in Japan. Dr. Death started out well as he easily landed a takedown in the first few seconds of the match. He actually didn't do that bad in the boxing aspect of that first round either despite having his hips as far back behind his body as possible and leading with his head while throwing all of his punches, which is probably the worst possible striking strategy as you will have no power and your chin will be completely exposed to counter strikes. Even in the second round, Bart Gunn didn't do much striking wise, but he did surprise Williams with a takedown near the end of the round. Then the third round happened, and towards the end both guys started throwing as many punches as possible, and Gunn eventually landed with a left hook that turned out the lights on Dr. Death.

Brawl For It All Fight 6 by xusername26x
Looking back, I think the rules really hurt Dr. Death. Anytime they were in the ropes they broke, and in fact, anytime that Dr. Death worked a tie up so he could go for a takedown, the ref immediately broke things up, because he had no concept of how most takedowns occur. Had Dr. Death been allowed to work his strength, he could have won, but Bart Gunn instead would move on to the semifinals. .

Round 2: The Godfather vs. 2 Cold Scorpio
You may remember The Godfather from his loss to Dan Severn. Dan Severn withdrew from the tournament after dominating his first match, which was kind of nice, because now we wouldn't know who was definitely going to win the damn thing. Nearly as sad was 2 Cold Scorpio, who won his match, but they didn't bother televising it and only showed highlights. Still, the pre-match was fantastic as The Godfather offered Scorpio all of his hoes if he would walk away from competing in Brawl for All. Scorpio declined, and we were left with black-on-black violence. The Godfather actually looked rather impressive in this fight, as he he utilized his jab, pushed Scorpio back to the corner and really worked the body over when he got him there. On top of that, he had his hoes rub him down in between rounds to keep him fresh. That's a pimp move.

Brawl For It All Fight 7 by xusername26x

Round 2: Darren Drozdov vs. Savio Vega
Drozdov fought to a draw in his opening match against Road Warrior Hawk, who was battling alcoholism in real life at the time. Drozdov moved on, because the WWE decided they would exploit Hawk's issues with alcohol into a television storyline. It's almost as uncomfortable as watching promos of Chris Benoit stealing Woman from Kevn Sullivan. Savio Vega at least won his first round match.

The first round was fairly even, although not all that good, as Savio Vega kept slipping, and neither guy really landed anything of significance. Savio had cleaner boxing, but Droz's hooks were finding their mark, and Savio got a little too obsessed with takedowns, as his wrestling was not good enough to secure them. Droz started going for takedowns in the second and third round, and that was more than enough to secure his victory. They both only won one match, but Drozdov won his at the right time and moved on to the semifinals of Brawl for All.

Round 2: Bradshaw vs. Marc Mero
"Marvelous" Marc Mero had the chance to be the third guy who did not win his first round match to somehow, inexplicably, make it to the semifinals of Brawl for All. He lost to Steve Blackman, who outside of Dan Severn, probably looked like the favorite after the first round but had to withdraw from injury. So he took on the big Texan, Bradshaw. These guys probably had the best staredown, which was good, because that was the only thing they were the best at.

In the first round, Marc Mero basically lit him up on the feet as he was the only one who could land any sort of significant strikes. But Bradshaw got a takedown, so they went into round two all tied up. The second round was basically the exact same thing. Round three was when controversy hit, as Mero totally lit up Bradshaw on the feet again, Bradshaw clinched, the referee wanted a break, started counting, got to three and then Bradshaw got a takedown. The ref counted the takedown which meant that it was all tied up at 15 at the end of regulation.

Mero was rightfully pissed, especially since he would lost in overtime after Bradshaw hit a takedown and I'm not sure if either guy landed a punch int he fourth round since they were both completely winded from three one-minute rounds.

Brawl For It All Fight 8 by xusername26x

And we have made it to the end of round 2. Onto the semifinals where half of the contestants didn't win their first round match, another one only won his second round match on an illegal takedown, and one guy who had a legitimate knockout, but no worries on that last one as his story will get some kayfabe added into it to make this a complete shitshow. I love Brawl for All.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 2

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

The rules allowed punching and takedowns with most punches landed in a round worth five points, each takedown worth five points, and a knockdown being worth 10 points. The entire fight was three one-minute rounds with 30 seconds rest between each round.

We left after the first four fights of the first round. I should point out that the referee from the first four fights, legendary wrestler and shooter, Dan Hodge, is no longer refereeing, probably because he's embarrassed to be watching this. But I'm not embarrassed, so let's continue the action of these glorious first round battles.

Round 1: Bart Gunn vs. Bob Holly
Bart Gunn was one half of the Smoking Gunns until his teammate, Billy Gunn, decided to become a new-aged Honky Tonk Man known as Rockabilly, and eventually would move on to Degeneration X. Bob Holly started off as Thurman "Sparky" Plugg, a NASCAR themed pro wrestler, and he just slowly moved away from that but was still completely inconsequential at this point. The most interesting aspect of this was that these two were currently tag team partners but would have to square off in Brawl for All. It started off great as Bob Holly gave a shove to Bart Gunn's back before the match started. Then the fight started, and it was by far the cleanest fight that I had seen up to this point. It wasn't great by any means, but Bart Gunn threw a pretty clean jab, and Bob Holly tried to work inside to attack the body. Unfortunately, Bart was able to do damage with a hooking uppercut that you never see from professional fighters, because it's about the easiest angle to block imaginable, but it worked fairly well against Holly. Bart Gunn outpointed Holly in every round in what was the most technically skilled fight, but as I mentioned, it still wasn't a great fight.

Oh yeah, and the greatest part happened after the fight when Bart tried to congratulate his tag partner for a hard fight, and Bob Holly threw a sucker punch, and they started brawling. Somehow, this match was one of the few I couldn't find online, so here's video highlights from a hardcore match they had a year later.


Round 1: Dan "The Beast" Severn vs. The Godfather
So, unfortunately, I found the video but can't embed it, but you really need to watch it because the commentary really makes the match. The Godfather had a pimp wrestling gimmick where he came out with "hos" (local strippers) to the ring. He went up against Dan Severn, who earned his "Beast" nickname as a former UFC Champion who was an incredibly high level Greco Roman wrestler. Yep, just a UFC Champion vs. a Pimp in a real fight. The fight went as you would expect, where Godfather actually looked okay on the feet, but he couldn't stop a takedown. Severn clearly had two takedowns in every round, but the commentary is possibly the most clueless bullshit in the history of the WWE, which is saying a lot. Jerry Lawler and Shawn Michaels know about as much about fighting as my aunt. I'm not sure if they have ever seen any form of amateur wrestling in their lives. Every time Severn took him down, both of them were like, "Well, I don't think that's a takedown." Severn was literally pinning Godfather, and they both agreed, "Well, that may be a pin, but that's not a takedown." Also amazing was the fact that the production truck was listening to the guys on commentary for scoring, so they somehow had Godfather up 10-5 after two rounds. The real judges got the score right as Severn advanced with relative ease.

Round 1: Quebecer Pierre vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams
I know every review of these fights is, "Holy shit, this one is somehow even crazier than the one before," but holy shit, this one is even crazier than the one before, and it cannot possibly be topped. Quebecer Pierre wore an eye patch to the ring. This wasn't a gimmick eye patch either; he legitimately only had one eye. They let a man with one eye get in a legitimate fight against probably the second biggest favorite in the tournament, Steve Williams. Williams was afour-time All-American wrestler and football player at the University of Oklahoma. He's about as legit of a badass as you can possibly be without being a professional fighter. They matched him up against a one-eyed man. Dr. Death just tooled him with takedowns, which was good because it was pretty clear that ol' Stevie was not too strong with his boxing. Ol' Pierre was completely exhausted about ten seconds into the second round but he continued to take a beating until the ref eventually called a standing knockout with five seconds left since Pierre never fell to the ground, he was just really tired. Also, he only had one eye. Enjoy it in all of its glory.

Brawk For it All 5 by xusername26x

First Round: 2 Cold Scorpio vs. 8-Ball
Brawl for All was so consistently getting booed out of the building that they put this match on before Raw started and just showed about thirty seconds of highlights. 2 Cold Scorpio was a high flyer  who gave up about sixty pounds to 8-Ball who was part of a biker gang tag team. 8-Ball apparently beat on him early but then faded as Scorpio was able to take the final two rounds and win the match. It looked like there were some fun flurries, but since the WWE was worried about their precious ratings, we never got to see this match in its entirety.

But that wraps up the first round. Next time, we will go over the second round, and oh yes, it will continue to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 1

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

The rules allowed punching and takedowns with most punches landed in a round worth five points, each takedown worth five points, and a knockdown being worth 10 points. The entire fight was three one-minute rounds with 30 seconds rest between each round.

Before we get started with the "fights," I'd like to point out that this tournament is officiated by a 70 year old dude who seems pretty spry. That's because he's Danny Hodge, a legend in amateur and professional wrestling, and I would probably pick him to beat at least half of these guys. And that's not in his prime. That's 70-year-old Dan Hodge just schooling fools. In his prime, he wins the whole tournament.

1st Round - Marc Mero vs. Steve Blackman
This was probably the most interesting fight of the first round on paper. Marc Mero was a Golden Gloves boxer and Steve Blackman was some sort of kickboxer who seemed to be good with numbchucks. Unfortunately, there were no numbchucks allowed for this one. I'm guessing the WWE thought this would be a good slugfest to get things going. Instead, Blackman put on a wrestling clinic, and there were only about seven punches thrown in the fight, as Blackman landed ten takedowns over the three minute fight. Honestly, Blackman's blast double looked pretty good, and he believably could have fought some real fights. I'd totally take Blackman over CM Punk in a fight. Unfortunately, the crowd booed the fight the entire time, so it was not an ideal start to things. Also not ideal, Blackman got hurt training for his next match and Mero got put back in the tournament despite losing his first fight 65-0.

Brawl For It All Fight 1 by xusername26x

1st Round - Mark Canterbury vs. Bradshaw
Canterbury was formerly in a white trash hillbilly gimmick as Henry O. Godwin (HOG, get it?) but wanted to go by his real name, so he could get all the fame from winning Brawl For All. Bradshaw thought he was the toughest guy in the WWE but would later get punked out by ECW announcer Joey Styles. This was more what the WWE was looking for, but it was still fairly shitty. These guys came out swinging for the fences and throwing haymakers but generally not looking like they knew what they were doing. After about 30 seconds, they came to a scary realization: Fighting is super tiring. So they both rested for the second half of the first round. Then Bradshaw threw some decent punches in the second round and rocked Canterbury, but it still wasn't enough to get a knockdown. Before the third round, the fans had started a "Boring" chant, and the third round delivered on that chant as neither guy had any energy.

Brawl For It All Fight 2 by xusername26x

1st Round - Brakus vs. Savio Vega
Poor Brakus. He was a massive German who had the look that Vince McMahon loves. They had vignettes building him up, but he got put in the Brawl for All and got his face smashed by Savio Vega, because Vega was a legitimately tough Puerto Rican. He fought like you would expect a bodybuilder to fight, big punches with thuds but no snap in them, and Savio was much quicker and repeatedly punched Brakus in the face. He tried using his strength for takedowns, but that only worked in the first round. Then, Savio adjusted, and repeatedly punched the guy in the face. This was basically the end for Brakus.

1st Round - Hawk vs. Darren "Puke" Drozdov
This may be my favorite fight of the entire tournament. It wasn't good by any means, but it was hilarious. Hawk was a tag team wrestling legend, and Darren Drozdov could puke on command. Hawk came out as Hawk with full wrestling attire and face paint for his fight. I think all UFC fighters should start wearing face paint, because it is totally awesome. Then to start this fight, it looked like Drozdov did not want to throw punches. Then Hawk kept punching him in the face, and Drozdov just kept taking punches. In the second round, Drozdov just repeatedly threw right hands but they connected a good amount and he rocked Hawk a couple times to win the second round. Then, they both threw punches in the third round. Since Hawk had the cardio of an obese 70 year-old, he had to spit his mouthpiece out to breathe, and Drozdov decided to do the same. They threw more punches at each other, and it was bad but mildly entertaining. Then, the most amazing thing happened. They called it a Draw. In the third round, they landed the exact same amount of punches. No fourth round, no nothing. I have no idea how they planned to decide who was going to move on. Luckily, Hawk was injured in the fight, so they had to keep Drozdov in the thing.

Brawl For It All Fight 3 by xusername26x

This is just the first half of the first round. There is so much more to come.

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Tiny Asian Woman Gave Me the Key to Happiness

The other day I took Casey The Dog to the park so we could both get some fresh air and stretch our legs. Casey had adoring fans all over the park who thought she was such a good looking dog, so cute, and so sweet; three compliments I never receive myself.

After talking with how cute Casey was to a mother with her two small children, they walked away as Casey stared down a squirrel. When she got bored with that, I turned around and a small (definitely under 5 feet tall) Asian woman appeared out of thin air. I had pretty good sight lines all around me, but somehow she snuck up on me.

She was smiling and seemed friendly, and yes, I understand that typing that sentence makes me sound like I'm talking about a stray dog, but weird shit happens to me, so I've learned to embrace it. I'm an incredibly approachable person, because I'm 150 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, and I rarely wear underwear. So my new friend struck up a conversation with me.

Although she had a heavy accent, she was committed to teaching me. And teach me she did. I found out that the key to happiness is a simple phrase that, if repeated, will take all of your troubles away. We went over this phrase together repeatedly, and I wasn't sure if we were ever going to part ways, or if I was going to just keep chanting Nam-Myo-Ho-Ren-Ge-Kyo until the end of time. But she had such a happy demeanor, I really wasn't anxious to get away, no matter how many times we repeatedly went through the phrase. I was achieving inner peace.

Finally, Casey The Dog saw a squirrel, and we were forced to part ways. When I turned around, she was gone, leaving me with nothing but this card.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Kutztown's Finest - Jordan Morgan

The Bears final pick of the 2017 NFL Draft was their third small school prospect. This time, going out to Kutztown, which I'm just going to assume is in rural Pennsylvania and drafting offensive lineman, Jordan Morgan. I took a look at his game against East Stroudsburg which is definitely not a made up school and instead one of Kutztown's world famous opponents from this last season.

The first thing you should know about Jordan is that despite that name, this is actually not a hot chick. Jordan Morgan definitely sounds like a hot girl's name, and, no offense Mr. Morgan, but a hot chick you are not.

So there isn't a ton to analyze here. Morgan was big strong and moved well on his feet. Sometimes he seemed to lunge into his blocks and kind of bury his head instead of keeping his eyes up. But overall, he was very aggressive and looked to dominate his competition instead of just doing enough to get the job done. There were times where he was blocking a guy 10 yards away from the play, so I really liked the aggression.

He straight up ate the right defensive end's lunch all day long; there's not a whole lot more you can ask for out of a prospect. He definitely seems worth the cost of a fifth round pick.

The Bears must really trust their scouting, because there wasn't anything conventional about their entire draft. Yes, a lot of words have been expressed about Mitch Trubisky, but outside of the trade, that was probably their most conventional pick. All that said was that they took the best quarterback in the draft really high. After that they took a giant small school prospect, then a safety recovering from injuries, then a tiny small school prospect, and finally Jordan Morgan, a normal sized prospect (for his position) from yet another tiny school. The Bears clearly trust their scouting department. Right now, the world is laughing at the Bears. Only time will tell whether the Bears will get the last laugh.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Tarik "The Freak" Cohen - The Chicago Bears New Running Back

With the Bears second pick in the fourth round, they went to add depth as they selected Tarik Cohen out of North Carolina A+T. Running back is undoubtedly the Bears strongest position as Jordan Howard showed that he can be a bell-cow for the offense. But surviving on one back isn't really an option in today's NFL, so the Bears went to add depth with their second small-school prospect of the draft. To get a better feel for him, I took a look at his game against Kent State.

The two things that stand out about Cohen is that he is very small and very fast. At just 5'6", he is going to be one of the shortest running backs in the NFL, but despite the diminutive size, he can get those little legs moving fast as he ran a 4.42 forty.

Cohen is only going to be used as a change of pace back, but he still shows good power in his legs. He also excels where you would expect, and that is making tight cuts to avoid defenders.

One thing I worry about is his vision as a runner between the tackles. He never really hit a hole, and was always make cuts and jukes behind the line of scrimmage. Most of that was out of necessity as the Kent State defense overwhelmed his offensive line, but it's never good to be in the habit of dancing that much in the backfield.

He also showed a good ability to run routes and has good habits with his catches as he can catch the ball away from his body.

And here's your obligatory, "Holy Shit" play.

Hoo, that spin move is special.

Overall, I really liked what I saw from Cohen. He basically single-handedly sent a game into a fourth overtime against a team that is on another level from his own. He showed he can break tackles, run routes, and make catches, so I think he will be a great change of pace back for Jordan Howard. The only real concern I had was his habit of always looking to bounce things outside. Sometimes it can turn into something special, but it is far less likely to work in the pros. The Bears are hoping they got the next Darren Sproles, and even if it's a poor man's version, that's still a real nice pick in the fourth round of the draft.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Action Eddie Jackson - The Chicago Bears New Safety

I'm doing some quick looks at the Bears draft picks. The Chicago Bears first move got all the publicity, but the rest of these guys are going to be incredibly important on whether this was a successful draft for the team. Since the Bears did not have a third round pick, we move on to the fourth round where the Bears first selected Eddie Jackson, a safety out of Alabama. I checked out his games against Tennessee and Texas A+M to get a better look at him as a player.

The first thing to note about Eddie Jackson is that he was good enough to start at Alabama. That's a pretty great start for any prospect. He's already got to have a pretty high floor. He's an in the box safety as opposed to a center fielder, and although I didn't see any thumping hits, he certainly didn't shy away from contact. He seemed solid in his role.

Another thing that I was excited to see was that he was also a returner for Alabama, which gives you an idea of his athleticism, which is good since he wasn't able to do any of the speed drills during the combine. And yeah, stuff like this is pretty cool.
I can definitely get behind that.

As for how he performs in coverage, there wasn't a ton to go off of. He seemed solid in man coverage, but gave quite a bit of cushion when he was running a deep zone where there was enough room for receivers to make plays. It's always tough to judge safeties off of limited looks, as that may have been the design of the play.

Overall, you have to love the athleticism, and you have to hope the coverage skills are there enough for him to be a starting strong safety. I mean, he was good enough to start for Alabama, so there's likely less competition to be a starter for the Bears. 

Monday, May 1, 2017

Adam Shaheen - The Ashland Dream

The Bears shocked the world in the first round by trading a boatload to move up one spot to take Mitchell Trubisky, a quarterback that they worked out once and never spoke to again. I am finally done talking about that transaction and going to move on to the next move that the Bears did to surprise many, when they drafted Adam Shaheen, a tight end out of Ashland University. No, I did not misspell Alabama, as they took a guy from a school called Ashland. Since I am a massive nerd, I had heard quite a bit about him leading up to the draft, but even that information could be summed up with 6'6", 270, and moves well. I decided that I needed to know more, so I watched his games against Wayne State and Northwood.

Let's go back to that size, because he's the biggest damn player on the field most of the time. He looks like an extra lineman as opposed to a tight end. Still, I didn't really see him using his size to dominate guys. He was a fine blocker, but I came in thinking that he was going to take people to Slamtown in his blocking.

The next thing I noticed is that I hate how he runs. He seems really choppy when he gets started off the snap, but he does much better once he gets going. Still, it's not the smoothest process. I also felt like he didn't utilize his length enough. He seemed like a T-Rex out there.

All that being said, he was a good enough athlete to consistently be open for Ashland. Like, I have a tough time understanding how the quarterback didn't throw his way more often. Instead, the Ashland got Rex Grossman Syndrome occasionally and just wanted to fire the ball as far as he could. It usually didn't work out too well.

He does seem to adjust to the ball well, and with his frame, he's going to be a tough matchup for any team. Here was the best highlight I saw in the two games I watched.
And I'm sure that's what excited the Bears front office. Overall, I see potential, but considering he was the 45th pick in teh draft, there are still way more question marks than I am comfortable with, especially in a draft so loaded with tight end talent that the Broncos were able to get Jake Butt in the 5th round.

Anytime you are dealing with a small school prospect, the biggest question is how his skills translate to a much higher level of competition. That frame should translate anywhere, but there is also a lot of refinement necessary for him to be successful in the NFL. Here's to hoping that he can improve his game and give Mitchell Trubisky a reliable target in the passing game.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Why the Chicago Bears Traded So Much for Mitchell Trubisky

The Chicago Bears gave up a lot to move up one spot in the draft. All Bears fans lost their shit, and admittedly, I wasn't too happy about the trade either. Then they shocked the world even more and drafted Mitchell Trubisky from North Carolina, hoping to finally solve their quarterback issues. Again, Bears fans erupted in anger, but that part isn't as big of a deal, because most Bears fans are morons (this goes for most football fans in general) and have likely never even seen Trubisky play. I'm never going to stop singing Trubisky's praises, but even I'm still having trouble justifying the Bears aggressive trade to move up just one spot.

Let's get the biggest problem out of the way. The Bears were negotiating from a position of weakness. In their minds, they NEEDED Trubisky, and my guess is that the Bears are as high on him as I am, so I totally get it. Their only thought was, "We can't miss out on this guy." Anytime you have that thought, you aren't going to win the trade on value, and there is no way to say that the Bears got more draft value than the 49ers.

The Bears got their guy, and that has not been a trend in recent years. In 2015, the Bears drafted seventh and were in desperate need for a defensive lineman. Things were working out perfectly as Leonard Williams was falling on down to them, and then at pick number six, the Jets took him. The Bears then drafted Kevin White who has played about as many snaps in the NFL as me over the last two years.

The year before that was even worse. The Bears picked 14th and a stud defensive tackle kept dropping down in the draft. The Bears held their ground, and sure enough, the Rams selected Aaron Donald at 13, one pick before the Bears. They then took Kyle Fuller who, let's be nice, is a cornerback who plays in the NFL. He is not Aaron Donald.

In both of those cases, the Bears have to look back and think, "Man, I really wish we would have overpaid to get those guys." Sometimes you gamble and win. Sometimes you gamble and lose. The Bears may have gambled by trading that much to get their guy, but they got their guy. If he turns out to be a top notch quarterback, then the combination of Solomon Thomas, a third, a fourth, and 2018 third won't equal the value of Trubisky.

The 49ers may have gotten better draft pick value, but that misses the point, the Bears got their guy. If he turns out to be what the Bears think he can be, there is no way to overpay on that.

Friday, April 28, 2017

What the Chicago Bears Should Do on Day 2 of the 2017 NFL Draft

Nobody was talked about more than the Chicago Bears last night as they shocked the world and traded up to take Mitchell Trubisky to fill their quarterback need. I thought they gave up a bit too much draft capital to do it, but they at least did it for the right guy. I LOVE Trubisky, and most of the hate came for two reasons: 1. They never saw him play and just thought he sucked, because they have been told by the media that he isn't worthy of a high first round pick. 2. They are overly concerned that he didn't start enough games in college. The first group are just morons; no need to focus on that. For the latter group, I understand the concern, but I think it says far more about the coaching staff at UNC than it does about Trubisky. I wanted to hate Trubisky, but he's got everything I value in a quarterback prospect. Because of that, it was still a great night for the Bears.

Now, for some quick analysis of what the Bears should do on day two. This is important, because they actually listened to me on my advice for their first pick. 

5. Desmond King - Defensive Back - Iowa
Obligatory Iowa advice. But seriously, King is a football player who makes plays. The Bears need all of the help in the secondary, and King is a guy who could fit in a variety of ways. I still think he's a cornerback, but even if you had to make him a safety, he has the instincts to make big time plays.

4. Kevin King - Cornerback - Washington
Dude is a freak of an athlete. Still could use a whole lot of polish at the cornerback position, but the raw materials are there for him to become a stud.

3. Malik McDowell - Defensive End - Michigan State
The Bears still need a defensive end since they passed on Solomon Thomas to fill their quarterback need. This guy is a polarizing prospect, because his production definitely doesn't match his talent, but many blame that more on the scheme of Michigan State as opposed to anything wrong with McDowell. It's a high ceiling, low floor pick, but the Bears don't seem to be afraid to take chances.

2. Cam Robinson - Offensive Tackle - Alabama
I can't believe a three-year starter at the best program in the nation slipped to the second round, but it would be incredibly difficult for the Bears to pass up on Robinson if he is sitting there when they pick. I think this is a guy who gets picked apart because of too much tape on him, but he has all of the tools to be Pro Bowl offensive tackle.

1. Trade Down
It's the least sexy option, but it may be the best moving forward. If they're not in love with one of the guys at the top of round two, maybe trading down, picking up a third and / or fourth rounder might be the prudent choice. The Bears have a lot of holes on this team, so accumulating talent has to be one of their big goals to come out of this draft. And the best news is that they could probably still draft Desmond King and make my dreams come true.