Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wedding Week - The Predictions

Yesterday, I gave everyone a preview of the festivities about to take place for my buddy's wedding. Today I would like to give my predictions for this wedding weekend. I've got a few quick predictions before I get to the main event of questions, and that is predicting who will win this weekend.

Will any of the bachelors have any success with ladies this weekend?
Let's break this one down one by one.

Cory - No. This is a man who made out with a 200 wildebeest on New Year's Eve, and then had the audacity to arrogantly ask us, "So, did anybody else score at midnight?" Needless to say, eight years later, we have not let him forget about this. So no, I don't expect him to score at midnight, or any other time for that matter.

DW - Not partying until Friday, so his chances of finding a lady are theoretically less than the rest of us. But, in theory and in practice are two separate things, so I'm guessing he'll have about a half dozen girls pursuing him throughout this weekend. His abnormally high standards will probably prevent him from closing the deal on anything, so I'll go with a no on this one as well.

Hott Joe - Could I flash some game? Possibly. Could I show my charm and heart of gold to some lucky lady? Maybe. Still, I am highly doubting that I do any of this. Here's the thing with our group of friends, we make each other worse people. In a small group, we can wander off and actually communicate with women, but when we all get together, it just becomes a competition to see who can say or do the most hilarious thing to a girl.

So, no, I don't think any of the swinging bachelors are going to find Mrs. Right or Miss Right Now this weekend.

Who will get hurt if we start fighting?
Cory. Cory is the guy who will refuse to participate in our childish activities, and someone will either roll into him and sprain his ankle, or somebody will throw their hands up in the air to celebrate a victory and elbow him right in the face, probably breaking his nose. Cory has no luck in life; nobody expects that to change.

How drunk will we be for the rehearsal dinner?
We have been told to not drink before the rehearsal, but we are idiots. When you tell idiots what to do, we do the opposite to show that we are alpha males who play by our own rules. Still, this Lady Pastor seems scary as shit, so my prediction is that we will only have a few beers in us when we practice the wedding.

How long will The Groom take to get The Bride's garter?
Give him 6-8 beers and it could take all night, but I'm guessing he won't be drunk enough at this point in the evening and will be done in 29-42 seconds.

Most importantly, who will win the weekend?
I can't give exact odds on this, so I will instead rank from 10-1 who has the best chance of winning this weekend.

10. The Field - There's going to be a lot of crazy people there, and I'm guaranteeing I don't know about all the crazy people that are going to be there for this thing. Not only are there going to be some off-the-wall cousins, but The Groom is a groundskeeper. Have you ever had a conversation with a groundskeeper? It's like being on LSD, you never know where the trip is going to take you next.

9. Cory - Our buddy's greatest life accomplishment is scoring at midnight. The only reason he's higher than the field is because his failures have conditioned him to have low expectations, so even the smallest successes seem like a Super Bowl victory for him. I wouldn't expect him to even have those small successes this weekend.

8. The Groom - He's getting married. If the person getting married has the best weekend, then we, as his friends did not do our job.

7. The Bride - Our buddy is not getting cold feet on this one, and that's why she's higher. Although we know her, we don't KNOW if she's going to go through with this thing. I never saw the movie Runaway Bride, but it always looked like fun to run away from a wedding. The odds of her doing this are extremely low, but if she steals a cop car to run away from the wedding, that would definitely earn her the title of winner of the weekend. I still wouldn't bet on her.

6. Chad - Him and the old lady live together, so the chances of him ditching her are very low. Nothing against girlfriends as they bring a lot of consistent joy to a man's life, but it's going to be pretty damn difficult to win a weekend when you got the old ball and chain around. No offense to Chad's old lady.

5. Chris - Had a girlfriend last time I checked, but when was the last time I checked? A really long time ago (like a month), because guys don't talk about this stuff. If he's single, he could compete for the top spot, but I'm guessing he'll be bringing his broad to this shindig. No offense to Chris's old lady.

4. DW - One of the two swinging bachelors out of the groomsmen (Cory doesn't count), he has great potential on paper. He's coming in town from San Diego, which does give him the added advantage that he will not run into any of these people anytime soon. But as I said before, I do not expect the cornfed ladies of Iowa will be up to his usually high standards.

3. Scottie - The Best Man is married with a child, so most would think that he would have to be responsible. That would usually make sense, but the baby and wife have been left behind, so the chances of him doing something awesome are extremely high. He has an alter ego named Chase Collins. The thing about Chase is there are probably people who party harder than him, but I have yet to see a person party better than him. People who don't know him find him offensive and endearing all at once.

2. Hott Joe - I'm single, don't care about anything, have nothing to lose, and the ladies love me more and more as time goes on. I was shocked to see myself only ranked as number two on this list (a list I created), as I really feel I am the total package when it comes to winning the weekend. Unfortunately, there is one person who still ranks ahead of me.

1. Tripod Dave - Tripod Dave is one of the Groom's groundskeeping buddies. I had the pleasure of meeting him a couple weekends ago during the first bachelor party. Is he awesome? Yeah, get past his goofy son-of-a-bitch looks, and let the good times roll. Plus, he was our designated driver, can't beat that. Is he a pathological liar? Definitely, as he regaled us with stories of his sexual prowess with the ladies which were all blatantly false. He swears that once the ladies get a piece of Dave, they can't get enough, so I started introducing him as Tripod Dave to any girl I could find. Surprisingly no ladies took him home, although he did spend a straight hour of coming and going from private dances at the strip club. Is he mentally handicapped? Could be. Yep, Tripod Dave is a triple threat. He's awesome, he's a liar, and there's something in his brain that just ain't right. Watch out ladies, TD is my pick to win the weekend.


P.S. Ladies, this song perfectly sums up what I am currently looking for in a potential mate.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wedding Week - The Preview

My buddy DW had a novel idea for me. Since one of our friends is getting married this week, it might lead to some interesting reading for everyone out there. For starters, a little background on our buddy that is making the plunge. You know that buddy that you have that always does the most ridiculous shit imaginable. Multiply him by ten, and you've got The Groom. We all love the guy, but to say that we haven't taken advantage of his intoxication for our own entertainment would be a blatant lie.

Although we're all a little disappointed that The Groom is done with his single life, which, by the way, led to some epic failures on his part, we're also very happy that he found a female that wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. The Bride is clearly a saint, because I can guarantee The Groom has told her everything about his past. This guy cannot keep an embarrassing secret to himself. It's fantastic.

But let's get to the festivities to give everyone a preview of what's going down.

Thursday - Bachelor Party
We've already given this guy one bachelor party, but we had to have two to give everybody a chance to say goodbye to a single version of The Groom. On Thursday, just me, The Best Man, and The Groom are going to play a round of golf in the afternoon. We'll have a few brews there, but then we're going to grill out and have a few more brews. More and more people are going to join us along the way as we tear up the local bar scene. It will be a very drunken night where a lot of weird stuff will probably go on, and yet this is the night that the responsible people of the wedding (Bride, bride's parents, groom's parents, pastor) probably feel the safest about, but we'll get to that later. We'll get drunk, we'll raise a little hell, and we'll go home...alone to sleep off our inebriation.

Friday - A Day With Nothing To Do/Rehearsal Dinner
A lot of people, whether in the wedding party or not seem to be taking this Friday off since they know they will not be able to wake up in time for work after what goes down Thursday. This means there will be a lot of idiots getting together with no real plans to speak of. How drunk can all of us get throughout the day with nothing better to do? VERY.

But here's the thing. Weeks ago, we were already warned that The Pastor said that we cannot be drunk for the rehearsal. My friends and I all had the same response when we heard this, "If we're not drunk for the rehearsal, how are we supposed to be ready for the wedding?" It's like a football team practicing without ever putting pads on until gameday. Sure, we'll know the basic concepts, but trying to walk down an aisle is way easier sober than it is when you are already browning out.

Needless to say, The Groom is freaking out about us having a whole day to ourselves with nothing to do. As the gift to his groomsmen, I could see him giving us prostitutes on Friday to distract us from excessive alcohol consumption (and Groom, if you're reading this, I don't bang prostitutes, only high class escorts, so you better fork over the cash for my broad).

But there is the chance that we don't drink as, for the first time ever, we actually respect our buddy's wishes. This could end up worse as we are idiots, and we'll probably end up fighting each other all day to waste the day away. If I had to make a guess, the fighting won't end until somebody is seriously injured.

There's also the other option where we get drunk and start fighting. That probably won't end until there is a clear champion which means nobody is making it to the rehearsal dinner unscathed.

So onto that whole rehearsal thing. Hopefully we'll rehearse without The Lady Pastor realizing that we tied one off before practice. For the dinner afterwards, they got a pony keg for us to drink. I really hope everybody gets their drinks early, because once my idiot buddies and I are done with out meals, we'll probably do kegstands until that thing is cashed.

After that, The Groom may come out with us, but as we will get disgustingly drunk, he will have to stay sober and responsible, because he really can't blow this chance to lock down a quality lady. During our debauchery, there is a good chance that I still try to snag myself a last second date for the wedding. Unfortunately, there are a very small percentage of thoroughbred dimepieces in the area, so we'll probably all remain single for another day.

Saturday - Wedding Day
Us not being drunk during at least part of this weekend seems like a reasonable request. In fact, I'll go as far to say that it is a reasonable request. But that doesn't mean that it's going to happen. We're going to have a few beers on Saturday, and they should be thanking us for showing any restraint. It's a college football Saturday, the Hawkeyes are playing about an hour away from where we're at. There's nothing stopping us (outside of finding a sober driver) from waking up at 5 AM, driving to Iowa City, tailgating until the game starts at 11, and then driving back to town, heading to a bar, and catching the rest of the game.

Now, we're (probably) not going to do it, but I just want to put it out there that the thought has crossed our minds, so everyone involved in these two lovely people getting married should not be angry if we've had a few too many, but proud, that we are still able to stand and walk down an aisle with decent acumen.

So then there's the wedding, which I heard was going to be short, but I could have completely made up in my own mind. Anyway, if it's not short, there's a good chance I get belligerent and call the Lady Pastor, "Toots" (one of my life mottoes is "When in doubt, do as The Diceman does").

So the wedding ends, there was probably some other wedding stuff before or after the wedding, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Needless to say, I ain't sweating it.

Now it's time for the reception. The Groom has promised us "Some Bomb Ass Food," so I plan on eating like a king, a drunken, sexually harassing king, but a king nonetheless. The dinner will also serve another purpose. Sitting up front at the head table will give my single buddies and I an excellent chance to scan the room for ladies worthy of our seduction. If there's one thing I love about my buddies, it's their dedication to teamwork. Sure, some of my friends are tied down in committed relationships, but they can still be wingmen, and if we fancy a lady who already has a man, well, he can step aside, or suffer the consequences. Hooray teamwork.

And we'll proceed to tear that wedding apart. The Groomsmen and Friends (which would be the most badass superheroes ever) will not only drink harder, dance harder, and party harder than anybody else there; we will drink, dance, and party harder than anybody they have ever seen.


P.S. Watch The Ultimate Fighter tonight. I will be showing blatant homerism and cheering for the guys from Jackson's MMA. At 145, my boy is Diego Brandao. At 135, and this is very important, cheer for John Dodson. He's awesome. He was one of my primary coaches when I was training at Jackson's. He taught me at least half of what I know and put me through the most miserable conditioning sessions of my life. But he's an awesome guy, and I guarantee that he beats some ass on this show. Trust me, everyone is going to be hopping on this guy's bandwagon by the end of this show, so get on before it's too late.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Every Animal Will Kill You

I just finished an excellent book called Deadly Kingdom by Gordon Grice. It's excellent in that it's a really good read that is both entertaining and educational. It's also the scariest book that I will ever read in my life, because I now know that every single animal that has ever existed is trying to kill me in its own unique way. I mean, I knew a lion or a polar bear would probably be favored in a fight with me, but there is no animal out there that couldn't kill me. Check out some of these random facts.

Hyenas have the strongest pound-for-pound jaws of any animal, you know what that means? It will crush your skull when it tries to and successfully kills you.

Think you're safe in the water? Ha, you stupid fool. The orca is the most dangerous animal in the world. I'm not sure if the Titanic ran into an iceberg; I'm pretty sure that an orca ran into it, and crushed the thing. Those people didn't die in the water, they died in an orca's stomach.

An ostrich kick can tear you from your pelvis to your sternum.

Even the animals that I could easily kill in combat will still find a way to kill me.

Sure a frog can't kill me, unless I eat it.

Maybe I could eat a random exotic Japanese fish, but that fish is poisonous and it will probably kill me.

In fact, pretty much any animal that I thought was not dangerous has some sort of venom in it that will kill me.

There are things in the water that will swim in your urethra and you'll have to have surgery to get it out.

At least small bugs like grasshoppers aren't dangerous, right? Wrong again. They will eat every crop around by having swarms in the billions and the fact that they can eat their body weight in a single day.

You can't crush a flea with your fingers.

At least with big animals, people will respect you for going out like a man. It's the small ones that scare the shit out of me. Go swimming in a river, and a worm will crawl into your eye. When it gets done making you blind, it will probably crawl back to your brain and kill you. Flies seem pretty harmless, except they can attack you in such a swarm to suffocate you. Well, at least ants aren't scary as you can just step on them. Oh yeah, one time a lady had surgery and while she was recovering from the anesthesia, ants ate out her eyeball and killed her.

So yeah, I highly recommend reading the book, because it's awesome, but I am now terrified of every living creature out there. So that's healthy.


P.S. Here's a guy on fire, because people on fire are far more interesting than people not on fire.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Live Blogging My Friday Night

Last weekend, I went to my buddy's bachelor party. Next weekend is the wedding which could get just as ugly. So this weekend I am going to take it easy and blog my Friday night. I will be focusing on the Iowa State-UConn and Boise State-Toldedo games, with a little bit of SmackDown thrown in.

6:55 CST - My buddy calls me to go out. I tell him of my plans. He calls me a vagine. Good start to the night.

7:00 - Edge is on SmackDown, games haven't started yet, I'm going to take my laundry out.

7:10 - UConn is letting the ball fly, and Iowa State just got called for a terrible pass interference call on Jeremy Reeves.

7:12 - Ted DiBiase just attacked Cody Rhodes while wearing a paper bag over his head. Very smart move, and much less boring than the ISU game.

7:15 - UConn scores by running it up the middle. They're making ISU look pretty awful, which Iowa probably should have decided to do last week. Yeah, I'm still bitter.

7:20 - Just switched to the Boise St. game, and holy shit, Toledo scored a touchdown. They didn't get a PAT, but 6-0 Rockets. I am a legitimate Toledo fan as I once stood in their student section on the road when they played Iowa State. I was more cheering against ISU, but I made some good Toledo fan friends that night. I was obviously very drunk.

7:21 - Steele Jantz is now playing like the real Steele Jantz, not the one who sucked off the devil to beat the Hawkeyes last week. I may have to stop watching this game, because as much as I love watching ISU lose, this is only going to make me more bitter about last week.

7:22 - Scratch that, UConn throws it right back to ISU. Great football assclowns.

7:25 - Nobody makes things look easier than Kellen Moore. A real nice touchdown pass down the seam for Boise's first touchdown.

7:31 - I don't think Sin Cara deserves special lighting for his matches. This aggravates me to the point where I can't watch his match against Daniel Bryan.

7:33 - Glad I checked back in; there are not one, but TWO Sin Caras. My mind is blown.

7:37 - Teddy Long just tried hating on my boy Zack Ryder. Not cool Teddy; you are no Broski.

7:39 - Steele Jantz with another interception, SHOCKING.

7:46 - Steele Jantz with his third interception of the first quarter. Somebody clearly punked me last week when they showed Iowa State winning. There is no way that happened.

7:49 - Trish Stratus just recognized Long Island Iced Z as the Internet Champion, WWWYKI!

7:54 - Kellen Moore is just a fun quarterback to watch throw the ball. There isn't much zip on it, but it's always right on target.

8:05 - Got bored with wrestling and football, switched to an old episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. This guy seems douchier than normal.

8:15 - Toledo is doing just enough to hang around in this game. Due to Boise's history, I'm kind of doubting that this lasts.

8:33 - Kellen Moore just threw a perfect fade route. Of course he did. I'm out on that positive note. Have a good Friday night everybody; I'll be rocking some laundry, and maybe clean up my room in case I pull some tail back to my place after the wedding. Holler.


P.S. Iowa State still sucks.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fearlessness Is My Game

I can't help it.

I keep getting away with shit.

I have been saying things to girls where I should be getting slapped in the face. Instead, they just love me for it. Ladies, this needs to stop. You are only stroking my oversized ego, and that is never a good idea. Every weekend I push it further and further, and I do it without fear, because I have learned a simple formula where no matter what I say I will come across as a great guy who they will fall madly in love with.

This really needs to stop.

With that being said, let me break it down for you with my words in normal font, and my thoughts italicized, so you too, can run game like Hott Joe.

Hi ladies.

Although I usually enjoy addressing females as broads, this is a time for politeness.

Okay, this is embarrassing...

This is a blatant lie. I'm just saying this, because I am about to say something hilarious that I am not the least bit embarrassed by.

It's my buddy's [insert special occasion].

This is both the nicest and meanest part of my plan. It's the meanest, because I am about to absolutely bury my buddy, but it's nice, because he has an excuse since it's his birthday, anniversary, bachelor party, etc. The only thing that matters is that the girls cannot get mad at me, because what I'm about to ask them is not for me, it's for my buddy.

Oh, wow, I'm so embarrassed to ask this.

This is just to reiterate that I'm an innocent, nice guy who just wants to do something nice for his buddy. At this point, I'll usually give a slight pause where they will inevitably try to pry the question out of me. Now what I am about to ask is not just the fault of my buddy, but it's the girl's fault as well, because they made sweet, innocent me ask a question that I was SOOOO embarrassed to say.

He wanted me to see if I could find any girls who would flash him.

You can really go with any lewd act here, but flashing has the highest probability of success. Whether they do it or not, I win. If they do flash, then that's titties for me without paying cover charge at a strip club. If you've done it right, they will always, and I do mean always, give you a slight pause before saying no. This is not the time to try to plow through for those titties, instead, show some class.

I totally understand if you say no, but it's my buddy's [special occasion] and I promised him that I would try for him.

Here, I can exit with class. Maybe they'll have a few more drinks and decide that my offer was a pretty good idea. Maybe they'll give me the consolation prize of body shots, maybe they'll give me the grand prize and take me home, I don't know, but my options are still wide open. And yes, those girls will be interested in me later on. But the true beauty of this entire plan is that I have now enabled myself to hit on any group of girls at the bar. In fact, I have forced myself to hit on every group of girls in that bar...because as far as those girls know, I'm just being a good friend, trying to make his buddy's (perverted) dreams come true.

Yeah, sometimes, my genius even scares me.

-Hott Joe

P.S. Why not end this post with a picture of a bear cub hugging a dog?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

DJK And The Hawkeyes

Something weird is going on at Iowa, and no, I am not talking about the awful loss they received at the hands of Iowa State this past weekend, but something far more interesting happened yesterday during Kirk Ferentz's press conference.

Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was one of the greatest receivers in the history of the Iowa Hawkeyes. He set numerous records while at Iowa, and on the field, you couldn't have asked for much more from a player. Unfortunately, that is not the whole story with DJK. During his time with the Hawkeyes, there was always some sort of problem going on between him and the coaching staff. Despite clearly being a top receiver, DJK was benched for a lot of his career for reasons that had nothing to do with his effort on the field. Still, he was never even charged with a crime until the very end of his time at Iowa.

That is when it all came to a head, and DJK had multiple drug charges against him in December. He was immediately kicked off the Iowa team, and was not even allowed to wear a Hawkeye helmet when going to the Texas vs. USA game designed for NFL scouts to get a look at senior football prospects. Despite the charges leading only to probation for him, and being being seen as a mid-round prospect by just about everyone out there, when NFL teams got their 90-man rosters together, nobody came calling for DJK. It seemed a little curious to anyone who had watched DJK play the game, because the talent is definitely there.

Recently, rumors have been floating around that Ferentz may have "buried" Derrell Johnson-Koulianos to NFL personnel to ensure that he would not make a pro roster this season. Finally, somebody publicly asked Ferentz about the rumors, and here was his response.

This is not the normal, calm-as-can-be Kirk Ferentz that we are used to seeing. He is visibly upset by the line of questioning and vehemently denies ever saying anything bad about any player for as long as he's been there.  So why did he get so worked up by it? The simple explanation is that there was an implication with the question that was not about DJK, but questioned Ferentz's character. Kirk is a guy who is known to sell himself and the Iowa program based on character and turning boys into men; I can understand that this could get him worked up.

But at the same time, Kirk claims nobody asked him about DJK. That seems a little...odd. Andrew Schulze, the Hawkeyes long-snapper made an NFL camp this offseason, yet nobody asked about DJK? Really? NFL scouts will overlook far worse transgressions than the ones made by DJK if the talent is there, and I find it incredibly hard to believe that not one team thought there was enough talent to make a 90-man roster.

I don't want to attack Kirk Ferentz's character, because during his entire time at Iowa, he hasn't given anyone a reason to do so. But this is definitely not the whole story with DJK.

It just doesn't make sense.


P.S. I know I seem like a neanderthal for the most part, but this was a really good article about the emergence of gay athletes in professional sports.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Thoughts From Week One Of College Football

Since the first week of college football mostly sucks, and I was excessively drunk from 7:00 PM on Friday night until about noon on Monday morning, I couldn't catch a lot of games. Luckily, I caught Wisconsin-UNLV on Thursday, and yesterday, I rewatched the first half of Iowa-Tennessee Tech, so I can tell you some things about those two Big Ten squads. Since most people don't care about Wisconsin, let's start with what I saw from the Hawkeyes.

Iowa vs. Tennessee Tech
Mika'il McCall – Just a very decisive runner, hit every hole hard with no hesitancy. Unfortunately, when waching this game sober, I was sick to my stomach on every carry, because I knew his ankle was about to be broken.

On the bright side of being sober, I didn't think Coker looked nearly as bad as I did when watching him drunk. He certainly didn't have a good game, but I thought he was dancing like Britney Spears in the backfield when I was watching him intoxicated.

McNutt is a beast, so we've got that going for us. He really attacked the ball with his hands instead of letting it come to him, and that's my favorite thing to see a receiver do.

The defensive line looked better than I expected. I didn't expect much, but I thought they did a good job of staying low and using leverage to collapse the pocket even if they weren't able to get much clean penetration.

I underestimated Vandenberg. He did exactly what a good quarterback should do to a bad team. Bravo, Moxon, bravo.

Wisconsin vs. UNLV
I thought it last year, and I still think James White is a better back than Montee Ball. Ball looks much this year than he did early on last year, but I still prefer White. Credit where credit is due, Ball's first touchdown run had some very impressive footwork.

I don't know how I feel about Borland being moved from outside linebacker to inside. The guy showed a good ability to blitz off the outside, so it'd be a shame if Wisconsin wasted that talent. He even played some defensive end last year on passing downs, and he can cause serious matchup problems for offensive tackles, not only with his speed, but also with his ability to get low making it hard for linemen to get their hands on him.

Russell Wilson just flings the football out there, which is very ugly, but damn, it sure was accurate.

As good as Wisconsin looked on offense, the defense left a lot to be desired. I saw very little push from their front four throughout the game, and every offensive line in the Big Ten (even Indiana's) will be better than UNLV's. Wisconsin will be a good team, but unless this defensive line greatly improves as the season goes on, I have trouble seeing them win the Leaders Division.

And that's all I got for this week. Next week will probably also be focused on Big Ten football, because of my blatant irresponsibility.


P.S. Derrick Rose playing with hand puppets, because...why not?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

It's been a long time since I have had a Jose Canseco inspired post, so I felt it was time to catch the world up on what he has been up to over the last six weeks. Plus, it's always good to stay true to your roots, and even if the Ultimate Warrior keeps spouting off amazing diatribes, there will always be a place for Canseco at this blog. It's been too long Jose; let's catch up.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
How can u put a restraining order on someone u havnt seen in 4 months and lives in another state
Jose, I have great news. I don't think you need the restraining order if you haven't seen them in four months and they live in another state. I think this problem has already taken care of itself.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
A broken heart is knd of like a broken bat you can use it again but it will never be the same
That is maybe the deepest thing I have ever heard in my life.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
It takes 2 men to make a brother
Actually, I think it takes a man and a woman. Sometimes two sexual acts, but in your case, just one.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I hope they have twitter in heaven
That's the first thing I'm checking in the afterlife. If I don't find Twitter, I'll know that I'm clearly in hell.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
Roses r red violets r blue my x is a pot head and so is her boo
I've never been much of a poetry guy, but this has shown me that poetry is easy, and people are always more likely to believe things that rhyme. I mean, when I read this, I didn't doubt for a second that his ex-girlfriend and her new boo are both potheads. I might charm a lady with, "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're only a nine, so how about we screw?" I could also go with, "Roses are red, violets are blue, you look kinda desperate, so it's butt stuff for you."

Yeah, after writing that poem, there is no chance that I will have Twitter in the afterlife.


P.S. More and more people are catching on to how awesome Canseco's Twitter account is. Now Funny or Die is jumping in on the action, although they'll never have the bond that Jose and I have.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Last year, I wrote a post entitled, "Why Not?" in reference to the 2010 Iowa Hawkeye football team. As far as predictions went, it couldn't have gone much more horribly. I predicted a 12-0 regular season, and Iowa instead turned in a 7-5 regular season. Whoops. So this year, I figured I would give it another try, because it's not like I can do much worse than last year's epic failure. Let's break it down game by game and see where the Hawks will end up this year.

9/3 - Tennesse Tech @ Iowa
This is going to be a slaughter. Just look forward to our first glimpse of AJ Derby in the fourth quarter of this game. This may also be the game where Jason White loses the #2 running back job to Mika'il McCall.

9/10 Iowa @ Iowa State
There is one name that keeps coming up from Iowa State fans when I talk to them about this game: Steele Jantz. Quarterbacks have to be good decision makers, so it's really tough for me to be worried about a guy who decided this was a good haircut:
Nice 'do bro.

On a slightly more serious note, Iowa State is a team that I see on the upswing. I wouldn't be shocked if they were in the conference championship game in five years. Sure, that conference will be the MAC, but a conference championship is a conference championship. Congratulations Cyclones. So although I don't see it being quite as bad of a beating as the last couple years, Iowa wins by double digits. My gut told me 24-13, but that would require Iowa State getting in the end zone, so my brain tells me 24-6.

9/17 - Pittsburgh @ Iowa
Pittsburgh has a new coach that is installing the high-powered spread offense that he had at Tulsa. If this game was next year, I'd be worried, but three games into the season, I think the Hawkeye defense does enough on offense and the defense forces some turnovers. 3-0.

9/24 University of Louisiana Monroe @ Iowa
Hooray, more AJ Derby. 4-0.

10/1 BYE
Ladies, set up your lovemaking sessions for this weekend, because without any Iowa football to distract me, I'll actually focus on you.

10/8 Iowa @ Penn State
Matt McGloin or Rob Bolden? Bolden's got no heart, and McGloin's got no soul. Oh yeah, and Joe Paterno's coaching against Kirk Ferentz. History repeats itself and Iowa cruises to 5-0.

10/15 Northwestern @ Iowa
This is Iowa's one night game, and there is no worse opponent than Northwestern. Somehow, these guys have Iowa's number and upset them every damn year. Northwestern are just awful people. Two years ago, they took an illegal shot on America's favorite son, Ricky Stanzi. Last year, Dan Persa made a deal with the devil that he would rupture his achilles tendon if the devil would guarantee them victory. Northwestern also thinks this is a rivalry; it's not. Iowa doesn't psych themselves up for Northwestern, although Northwestern takes the Iowa State mentality and thinks this is their entire season.

So what's going to happen? I hate to say it, but the streak continues...Iowa's winning streak that is. James Vandenberg makes the necessary plays in the fourth quarter, because as we all know, Mox is a Fox (Varsity Blues joke, because that's topical). Hawkeyes go to 6-0.

10/22 Indiana @ Iowa
Iowa will win this game. Wait, hold on a second...just looking up something...and...yep, James Hardy has not petitioned for another year of eligibility, so Iowa will win this game, 7-0.

10/29 Iowa @ Minnesota
There won't be ice covering the field at the end of October, and Iowa also won't shit the bed this year. Floyd comes home, and Iowa goes to 8-0.

11/5 Michigan @ Iowa
Yes, Michigan's defense should be somewhat better. But Denard Robinson isn't going to be as good. Say what you want about Rich Rodriguez, the guy knows offense, and Michigan no longer has any offensive mind anywhere near RichRod's. I like Brady Hoke, but it'll take a few years for him to get the personnel to excel in his system. If it was at Michigan, I'd be concerned. It's not, so Iowa takes care of business, 9-0.

11/12 Michigan State @ Iowa
I'm not sure if anyone's ever seen Kirk Cousins throw a football. Dude's got intangibles coming out of his ass, but that doesn't mean he's a good quarterback. I am intangibly great, but I'm not a very good darts player. Things happen that way sometimes. The media would have you believe that Kirk Cousins is the next Peyton Brady. He's not. And just like last year, him and his boys will get smoked by the 10-0 Hawkeyes.

11/19 Iowa @ Purdue
RIVALRY GAME! That's right, West Lafeyetters, you're going to have to deal with the Hawkeyes every year. Purdue and Iowa have a storied past. I'll never forget Drew Brees, Kyle Orton, and...other Purdue football player. But suck on this, Boilermakers.
Purdue? More like Purdon't. Yeah, expect burns like that as we deny your pathetic request for a trophy for this game. Iowa uses their long-standing hatred of Purdue to go 11-0.

11/25 - Iowa @ Nebraska
The inaugural Heroes Game. An Iowa hero is Nile Kinnick. A Nebraska hero is Lawrence Phillips. Nebraskans seriously can't tell the difference in heroism between those two. Nebraska has T-Magic on offense, so if they put up a touchdown before Mike Daniels uses him to floss his teeth; I'll be shocked. Jared Crick will be manhandled by Big Ten offensive linemen. Lavonte David is pretty good, and Alfonzo Dennard is off the chain. I don't expect a ton of scoring in this game, but there is no doubt that Iowa will come out on top after a late touchdown pass from Moxon (James Vandenberg) to Tweeder (Keenan Davis) for the victory. Iowa goes to 12-0 before heading to the Big Ten Title game.

So, as you can see, I learned from my lessons last, crap. I did it again. But the B1G sucks this year, so it's not like Iowa couldn't run the table on these fools. A man has the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic about his favorite college football team. Yet again, I am choosing the former and predicting another undefeated regular season for the Hawkeyes.

I mean, why not?


P.S. Here are two of the greatest athletes ever hanging out together. You would think they have nothing in common, but people can always come together against Shawn Michaels:
Yeah, if football hadn't gotten in the way, Walter Payton definitely could have been a world heavyweight champion.