Taco Bell Has Created A Double Decker Utopia

Last year, I absolutely raved about Sneaky Taco Bell Guy and what the geniuses at Taco Bell were conveying in their fantastic commercial. Well, we can no longer chalk up that amazing commercial to luck as Taco Bell has another commercial that brings a smile to my face every time that I see it. The viewer believes they're watching a commercial about a taco, but in reality, it's a commercial about a better lifestyle. The taco is the quintessence of this lifestyle.

This commercial promotes the new Double Decker. Yes, a new Double Decker. Somehow, the masterminds at Taco Bell took their best item on the menu and made it better. Here is the video for those unfamiliar with the advertisement:

What sets this commercial apart from the crappy commercials with babies talking about investing and some white guy rapping about his cell phone service is that there is actually deep meaning within this commercial. In just 30 seconds, Taco Bell conveys a utopia, a dream world where different groups of people come together as one. We could only be so lucky to live in this place.

The first thing that is conveyed is the socioeconomic equality within this commercial. Here they are at a fancy cocktail party, but instead of having sushi or some fancy finger food, they go with 89 cent Cheesy Double Deckers. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, wealth has no advantages in this world.

Next up is that different races are able to mix together.

These two gals are having a great time, and the color of their skin does not matter. Everyone can enjoy a Cheesy Double Decker.

I actually found this third example of overall equality much later than the others. This commercial actually conveys that this world is completely tolerant of both hetero and homosexual relationships. Don't believe me? Check out this screen shot:

On the right, we have the traditional (although with mixed races) heterosexual relationship. The left side of the screen very clearly shows two well-dressed gentlemen enjoying each other's company. It's the perfect world, so they do not need to hide from the world. In Cheesy Double Decker Land, all life decisions are encouraged, as long as they lead to happiness. Obviously, a lot of religious zealots are not fond of the homosexual lifestyle, but Taco Bell has them in mind as well. Our Winning Taco Guy points the taco to draw attention to the normal relationship on his left (the viewer's right), so the deeply religious people can live in Cheesy Double Decker Land without having to worry about the evils (in their opinion) of homosexuality.

But the equality that pops out at even the most casual observer is that beautiful people and normal looking people are all together in this world without judgment on outward appearance. Now that's not to say that the people in this commercial are not trying; they are, but since nobody is judged on outward appearance, their effort comes from their own personal satisfaction as opposed to trying to conform to societal norms.

But what about the non-beautiful people? Well, just look at who is the most normal looking person. It's the guy who is celebrating his "Winning" Taco. He represents us. He is living our dream, as he has been placed in this utopia for no other reason but to obtain the maximum satisfaction from life. And he's achieving that. How many times have you been as happy as he is when he discovers his winning taco? Probably not too many. And that leads us to the most interesting screenshot of the entire commercial:

You see, although he finds this winner of Double Decker Tacos, it's not him that is the winner; it's the world. Hence, he holds out the taco, because he wants to share this amazing discovery with the viewer. And that is where the Cheesy Double Decker becomes so important to this commercial. We can't live in this world, but in a small way, we can bring this world to us.

The Cheesy Double Decker is a perfect utopia that has been brought to our normal existence. The meat is the rich people's source of protein while beans represent the poor person's source. The soft shell represents the white race, while the hard shell with its darker pigment represents all the races combining with the whites in perfect harmony. Although two cheeses coming together may seem unconventional, it is not only accepted, but encouraged in the Cheesy Double Decker. And the lettuce? It signifies normalcy in a world of beautiful flavors, because just like in this utopia, there's room for a little bit of everything in the Cheesy Double Decker.

Taco Bell isn't selling a Taco; they're selling a better life..and I'm buying.

-Joe

P.S. Here is another awesome Taco Bell commercial. The introduction of the Double Decker.

Jose Canseco Is Back In Baseball

Jose has done it again. He has proved the haters wrong. When he said he wanted to play professional baseball, people laughed at him and said he would never be able to play the game he loved again. When he decided that he could be a great manager if given the opportunity, people told him the only thing he could manage was a steroids cycle.

So what does Jose go out and do? Well, he doesn't become just a player. And he doesn't become just a manager. Yep, Jose Canseco is the player-manager of the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League. To top it off, he found the most trustworthy bench coach/outfielder out there when he hired his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco to help him win a championship.

Haters are going to hate, but Jose never lets them get him down. When he said he would be the first player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a single season, he did it. When he said he was going to save the game of baseball from steroids, he did it. And now, when he said he would play the game he loved again, and someday manage for a team as well, he did it. It's time to stop the Jose hatred, step back, and applaud the man for persevering against all odds.

Congratulations Jose. Now only one question remains. Will a Major League Baseball team try to sign him as a player or a manager first? I think they'd be wise to kill two birds with one Jose.

-Joe

P.S. One person who would never be dumb enough to doubt Jose Canseco is also a man who has better poems than Shakespeare. Yes, here is another amazing video from The Genius:

Jenkem: A Shitty High

I am absolutely fascinated at the lengths that people will go to just to get messed up. I really thought that i-Dosing would be the weirdest thing way that people were getting high, but Jenkem takes a shit on that idea. During a fantasy baseball e-mail exchange, a friend notified me of this new huffing phenomenon that was able to get people high. They have moved past huffing glue, paint, or Pam, and have moved onto something much more vile.

Jenkem, or as the kids are calling it, butt hash, is the act of mixing urine and fecal matter into a bottle. You then put a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait. When the gas fills up the balloon, you carefully remove it from the bottle and huff the gas giving you a pooptastic high that is similar to cocaine with hallucinations. Jenkem sounds like the shit.

Fox News, always reliable, reported this story:

I know what you're thinking: Who would huff their own poop? As much as I wish I could tell you differently, the answer is apparently very few people. A New Zealand news report proves it as a myth, although some idiot teenagers did try it after seeing the news report, because teenagers are dumb and easily influenced.

Although the fact that this is a myth is very disappointing, you can still show your friends the Fox News report and try to trick them into trying it. They probably won't get high, but I'm assuming you'll see some hilarious projective vomit.

-Joe

P.S. Although Jenkem is a myth, Derrick Rose's greatness is not. Here is an excellent story about Derrick Rose growing up.

Derrick Rose Is Definitely The Most Exciting Player In The NBA

About six weeks ago, I wrote an article explaining why Derrick Rose was a more exciting player than Blake Griffin. I am happy to say that Derrick Rose left no doubt in anyone's mind after what he did to the Boston Celtics last night to just about lock up the number one seed for the Bulls.

There isn't a whole lot I need to say about the matter, so let's just show a couple of his "Holy Shit" moments from last night's game.

Yep, just a casual crossover move that makes Rondo look like an idiot, and then going up between two big men and putting in a scoop layup. Just ho-hum stuff from the MVP (I don't care about your silly statistics) of the league.  Just look how happy it made Tom Thibodeau.

And then he did this.

Yep, he really did that. This was Joakim Noah's reaction to the play.

And on top of all of this, he decimated Rajon Rondo. Anybody can look at the stat sheet and see that, but to actually watch the game brings it to another level of domination. Rajon Rondo was not bested in basketball last night by a better player, he was annihilated as a person by a superior human being. The look on his face made it look as if his sister, mother, and grandma had just propositioned Derrick Rose for a foursome (Rose would obviously turn them down since they look like aliens). The massacre that Rose did to Rondo made Mortal Kombat look like The Teletubbies.

With all of this, it's scary to think that the Bulls really didn't play up to their full potential. Rose, the shooting guard trifecta, and Deng played great games, but Boozer was awful in the first half before bouncing back in the second half, and Noah was a non-factor for the most part (to be fair, it's clear that his ankle could use a little more time to rest).

So yeah, for Bulls fans, these playoffs are going to be fun.

-Joe

P.S. Don't ask me how I found this, and don't ask me what I think. I honestly can't tell if this show is genius or absolute garbage. Hence, it gets posted on the blog.

A Comprehensive Breakdown Of The Katie Vick Saga

Professional wrestling has done many regrettable things in its past. Last night's WrestleMania XXVII was just one of those examples, but I'd like to go further back in time to examine a storyline that most people found offensive, and that my friends and I found hilarious.  That's right, it's time to thoroughly examine the Katie Vick saga.

This wrestling saga primarily involves the aforementioned Katie Vick, Kane, and Triple H. This whole thing started, because Kane was happy.  That's it. It wasn't because Kane did some awful thing to Triple H. It was just that he was happy. Triple H felt that Kane's happiness left him no choice but to do this on Monday Night Raw.

Yes, Triple H decided to attack his tag team partner, The Hurricane, and then reveal to the world that Kane was a murderer as he killed Katie Vick, all because Kane was happy. This would basically be like me finding out somebody got a promotion and stabbing his wife. There's no good reason for it, but Triple H plays by his own rules. I respect that. The following week on RAW, Kane explained his side of the story:

My second favorite part of the story is that Kane and Katie Vick went to a party. Imagine Kane walking into your party. How did people react? What did they say? Do you think they made Katie pay for a cup or just gave one to her for free? I really wish they'd revisit this, so these questions could be answered. My favorite part of the story is obviously that Kane crashed because he was unfamiliar with how to drive a stick shift. But anyway, Kane, a man who is known as a monster, swerved in order to avoid hitting an animal. They crashed; he broke his arm, but she was killed instantly. That video ends with Triple H saying that Kane was also drinking that night, but as ridiculous as Kane's explanation is, it gets a whole lot worse in this next video (just watch the first 3:10):

Yes, this is when the brilliance truly reaches another level. Triple H lets the world know that Kane loved Katie Vick. That wouldn't be all that bad, but the autopsy found Kane's semen inside of her. This leads to one of the greatest lines in wrestling history when Triple H asks, "Did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive...or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?"

As unbelievable as all that is, it gets more unbelievable when Triple H puts on a reenactment of Kane's love affair with Katie Vick. I don't know how to prepare the world for what they are about to see, so all I can say is to proceed with caution:

Yes, Triple H reenacts the sex scene between Kane and Katie Vick. Brilliant does not begin to describe how awesome this video is. Triple H was so dedicated to his role as Kane that he stripped down to his jockstrap to perform sex on a mannequin who played the role of Katie Vick. It ends in epic fashion with Kane screwing Katie Vick's brains out...literally.

But even this was not enough for Triple H, so he made the next logical move and decided to interview Katie Vick:

And this was AFTER Triple H retained his title at No Mercy. He literally had no reason to destroy Kane, except to ruin a happiness that Kane had long since forgotten. Still, it's a compelling interview where Triple H uses many puns with dead involved, and accuses Kane of having a burnt weiner.

But sadly, this is where our story ends.  If you're anything like me, you long for the return of one of the most offensive wrestling angles ever, so bring your Katie Vick signs to WWE events to let them know that you want her back. I mean, if The Undertaker can be buried alive every other year, I'm pretty sure they can bring Katie Vick back from the dead once.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco wants to become a baseball manager, have his twin brother, Ozzie, become the hitting coach...oh yeah, and he wants them to become the #3 and #4 hitters in the lineup.  To top it off, he believes this can all happen with the power of prayer.  Sorry Japan, God's got bigger things to work on.

P.P.S. You have probably seen this play by Derrick Rose, but that still doesn't make it any less amazing.