Saturday, April 30, 2011

Live Blogging The 2011 NFL Draft - Day 3


9:40 AM
It's time to get this party started. My brother and I have decided to bet on where Ricky Stanzi would end up in the draft. Here are our picks.
Brother: Raiders, Eagles, Cardinals, Redskins
Me: Ravens, Dolphins, Colts, Chiefs

Let the Stanzi lottery begin.

Some believe that the Seahawks could be interested in Ricky Stanzi. I think this would be a rare occasion of a player refusing to play for a team. Since he loves America so much, Ricky obviously hates hippies, so he's certainly not going to go to a place where he'd have to play for one.

I know this is blasphemy as an Iowa fan, and treason as an American, but I have Greg McElroy rated higher than Ricky Stanzi. Stanzi's ball really flutters when going deep, and I thought that McElroy had more velocity on his passes, and is a guy you can win with in the NFL. He's going to be a steal.

I like the Bengals pick of Clint Boling of Georgia. It was really a toss-up for me on whether I would take him or Stephen Schilling at the end of round three for the Bears. I took Schilling since I had more familiarity with him, but I think Boling should be a good pro.

I am glad that Christian Ballard is off the board, but I would have rather seen him in a 3-4 scheme as opposed to a 4-3. I expect them to keep him outside for the most part while utilizing him as a defensive tackle on pass rushing downs. Even though he didn't have the stats during his college career, anybody who watched the Hawkeyes can appreciate the versatility he displayed to help out the team.

12:20 PM
The Eagles with the first shocker of the draft. Casey Matthews? Hell no, Alex Henery. Although many people thought that the Saints drafting Mark Ingram meant the end of the Reggie Bush era (including Reggie himself), those two have completely different roles for an offense. I'm pretty sure that David Akers will not be an Eagle this coming year, because Alex Henery is like the nWo...he's taking over.

I was hoping Davon House would fall to the Bears in the fifth, but the Packers just took him at the end of the fourth. I hate the Packers.

Ricky Stanzi is a Chief. It's a good fit for him, and since I'm not a believer in Matt Cassel, I think he will be starting at some point sooner rather than later. Also, bravo to me for predicting the Chiefs as one of my four teams that could potentially draft Stanzi. Good luck to a man who loves America more than you love your own mother.

Guys I am hoping fall to the Bears.
First off is Stephen Schilling who would have been my pick at the end of round three. This guy may not be a pro bowler, but he's going to be a quality pro, which is what the Bears need in the middle.
Greg Romeus - DE - Pittsburgh - Disappointing last year, but was looked at as a first rounder after his 2009 season. He could be a real steal.
Greg Jones - LB - Michigan State - All the guy does is make plays.
Greg McElroy - QB - Alabama - I love McElroy, and according to this list, I love guys named Greg. But this may be the time to get a real QB for the Bears.
Kendric Burney - CB - North Carolina - Undersized, but does a good job of reacting to the ball. in the air.

Karl Klug just got drafted to the Titans. The guy has a nonstop motor, and that's always going to be a good type of pick in the fifth round of the draft.

There's a ton of talent out there for the Bears. In my shadow draft, I took Stephen Schilling in the third round, so I guess I would still like to see the Bears take him. It would help shore up the offensive line and makes a ton of sense for them.
In my Shadow Draft, I am taking one of my loves in this draft, QB Greg McElroy, out of Alabama. Welcome aboard to my fantasy Bears, Greg.

God damnit Bears. Of course you draft a QB, and it's one that I had absolutely zero interest in. Even in his house, he had that stupid lost look that Jay Cutler always has. At least the Bears had two good picks in thsi draft, but I suppose it is time for everything else to suck.

I just talked to my Idaho expert friend (wait, you don't have a friend who is an Idaho expert?), and he has talked me off the ledge when it comes to Enderle. He is predicting instant Super Bowl for the Bears, so he may be slightly optimistic, but him and Hanie can definitely battle for my favorite Bears QB in 2011.

For guys I'm hoping the Bears can get, the list can be found at 1:15, minus Greg Jones.
Since I need to add a guy, it's time for another guy that I absolutely love, Jef Maehl- WR - Oregon.

Real Bears, I'm hoping they take Stephen Schilling still.
My Bears, I want Jeff Maehl from Oregon. He always found a way to get open and make big plays. Somehow none of that matters, because he didn't look impressive with his shirt off and put up poor combine numbers. I don't care about those things, so I would be ecstatic to get him at this portion of the draft.

If they were going to go with a linebacker, I would have rather seen them go with Mark Herzlich. Not because I care about his cancer story (although it's a nice story), but because he has a lot of potential since he has shown that he can dominate football games before he had to go through chemotherapy. This was still a recovery year, much like a player coming off a torn ACL, he simply wasn't back to full speed. Cancer is much more serious than a knee injury, but at the end of round six, that's a chance I'd be willing to take a chance on.

Tyler Sash is a very good pick for the Giants at the end of round six. Also, he was drafted at 198, the same pick as Matt Bowen, who was selected one pick before Tom Brady.

Sorry Mark Sanchez, your days as a starting quarterback are numbered. War McElroy.


P.S. As someone who worked in sports, this video is both hilarious and tragically accurate.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Live Blogging the 2011 NFL Draft - Day 2


If you haven't already, I recommend checking out my day one blog of the draft, as there is a lot of great information as well as amusing pictures and videos that have nothing to do with the draft.

10:10 AM
Yesterday was a momentous occasion as the Bears actually did better than I thought was realistically possible by drafting Gabe Carimi (and not trading up to do it). He was the top offensive tackle in my opinion, so to get him at 29 is an impressive haul for the Bears.

One thing that has been irritating me has been analysts claiming that the Detroit Lions will be tough to run on with Ndamukong ( I spelled that right before looking it up...I have problems) Suh and Nick Fairley in the middle. Suh is a beast against both the run and pass, but Fairley is not. He is a pass rushing defensive tackle as he is always looking for penetration. That's great to get after the quarterback, but it is going to be very easy for offensive linemen to steer him out of the play and open up some big holes for their running back. This is something that he can improve on, but he is not a run stopping defensive tackle.

In other news, Dick Jauron is building the 2002 Chicago Bears defense again, and that team will stop the run. With Shaun Rogers and Phil Taylor in the middle, it is going to be very tough to find holes in the middle of the line. This is the same strategy that the Bears used back in 2002 that helped Urlacher fly around behind Ted Washington and Sam Adams to shut down teams on defense.

12:25 PM
Well, the trade that never was between the Bears and Ravens may still bite the Bears in the ass. The Ravens want that fourth round pick (and they probably deserve it by the way Jerry Angelo has sounded), but the Bears better not give up that fourth round pick. The Bears need players, and they should be able to get something solid at the end of the fourth round. Using my fellatio analogy, this would be like your girlfriend finally doing a great job, but after you finish, you look down and realize it was a dude giving it to you the entire time. With that being said, it was still a great pick, but I'm certainly not going to brag about it.

I can't believe that nobody has brought up how lucky Derek Lowe is. Yes, he got busted for a DUI while racing down the street, but with Fast Five opening today, there's a good chance he was racing Vin Diesel.
And I'd way rather have a ticket than lose my car in a race for pink slips.

Since more Seahawks coverage has been requested for this blog, I would just like to say that I am happy that the Seahawks took James Carpenter in the first round yesterday, because it left a superior lineman in Gabe Carimi available for the Bears. Suck on that Seattleites.

I have been high on Brooks Reed for a while, so I'm happy with this pick for the Texans. The guy is quick, and he has a nonstop motor. I would rather have him than Ryan Kerrigan as a 3-4 OLB.

My Bears wish list goes as follows:
1. Stephen Paea - DT - Oregon State
2. Drake Nevis - DT - LSU
3. Marvin Austin - DT - North Carolina
4. Panic.

I hate how lazy analysts say that Lance Kendricks isn't capable of blocking as a tight end. I realize he is undersized, so he's not Brandon Manumaleuna when blocking, but he is a guy who uses good technique and can drive linebackers to open up holes for running backs. I'm a huge Kendricks fan.
Also, I really like Wisniewski, a very technically sound blocker with a good bloodline.

Between Clayborn's Erb's Palsy and Bowers's tricky knee, Tampa Bay clearly doesn't give two shits about your fancy medical jargon. Although I wasn't high on Bowers, this is great value to get him at 51.

I want the Bears to select Stephen Paea - DT - Oregon State. Come on Bears, don't let me down.

I'm overwhelmed with joy as the Bears have taken the two guys I most wanted in these first two rounds. No word on what they had to give up to move up, but I absolutely love it if they just gave up the fourth rounder that they almost traded yesterday. Bravo Chicago Bears, bravo.

The Detroit Lions terrify me. LeShoure is a beast. He runs hard and fights on every down. Teams loaded up the box against Illinois to try to stop him and he still dominated just about every game. This is a great pick from the Lions.

Not ready to rate the guys right now, but here are the guys I would like the Bears to target at the end of Round 3.
Stephen Schilling - G - Michigan
John Moffitt - G - Wisconsin
Drake Nevis - DT - LSU
Martez Wilson - OLB - Illinois
Curtis Marsh - CB - Utah State

The Saints are clearly reading this blog, as they just took Martez Wilson.

Since the other four guys on my list are gone, I want the Bears to select Stephen Schilling - G- Michigan.

Bears go with Chris Conte - S - California. I'm disappointed. I would have loved to see Curtis Marsh drop to this spot if they were going with a defensive back. Otherwise, I would have rather seen them wait until a later round to go that route. I really liked Schilling, and just don't think he had much of an opportunity to shine in Michigan's offense. He's a guy you want in the trenches, but will probably not fall until the end of the fifth round.

So, let's go into some picks I really liked.
I'm pissed that the Colts got Drake Nevis, as he's a great fit for their system and always hustles. He's just nonstop and plays with a mean streak, which is basically the most endearing term I can use to describe a prospect.
The reason I loved Curtis Marsh out of Utah State is that he's got a big body and has only played the position for two years. Despite that, he was able to matchup well with both Austin Pettis and Titus Young when they played against Utah State.


P.S. I have always been somebody who doubted Kenny Florian as a fighter, but I am on the Ken-Flo bandwagon as this article that he wrote is absolutely hilarious.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Live Blogging The 2011 NFL Draft

For me, watching the NFL Draft as a Chicago Bears fan is a lot like having a girlfriend who is bad at fellatio. Despite already knowing that you will be disappointed, you always look forward to it happening, thinking this will be the time where things don't go horribly wrong. Afterwards, you are left wondering why God has cursed you in such a cruel way. Anyway, let's hope that the Bears have learned to tuck their teeth (metaphorically) and will finally have a great draft this year.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I have decided to live-blog the 2011 NFL Draft as well as shadow drafting for the Chicago Bears.

Check back often for updates throughout the day (Note: All times are CST).

9:00 AM
My early prediction for the draft is that Blaine Gabbert falls much further than people expect. I don't see him going in the Top-5 and won't be surprised if he falls out of the Top-10. Also, a lot of people think 4-5 quarterbacks will be taken, but I think that there will only be three, and possibly only two.

My hopeful picks for the first day of the draft involving the NFC North:
Minnesota Vikings - Jake Locker
Detroit Lions - Aldon Smith
Chicago Bears - Robert Quinn (Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?)
Somewhat Realistic Chicago Bears - Gabe Carimi
Realistic Chicago Bears - Derek Sherrod or Danny Watkins
Green Bay Packers - Nate Solder

12:10 PM
With the draft still six or seven hours away (I should probably check when that starts), there isn't a whole lot to comment on regarding that. But yesterday, I went to Target, the classy person's Wal-Mart, to get earphones since my last pair were broken by a half-retarded Weimaraner. The only pair they had were hot pink. I had to buy them, but I feel like this may hurt the total badass image I have created at my gym. I plan on grunting more to make up for it.

Here is a really good story about Adrian Clayborn, who is one of the few guys who I think can fit in well as a 3-4 or a 4-3 end, although I'd give the slight edge to 4-3.

Still, nothing going on with the draft, but I figure I'll update this page with something. A lot of people have seen Tom Haverfoods, but this creation from the mind of Ron Swanson is the most amazing food-related thing to come out of Parks & Recreation.
That's right. A fried turkey leg inside of a hamburger. I will marry the first girl to make me that.

Things are obviously still pretty slow. If anybody would like to ask questions, even if they are completely irrelevant, I will answer them for your infotainment (I'll be shocked if I receive one question).

Here is a video of a guy who is flying up draft boards. Larry Federoff, a long snapping trick shot artist.

At 9:00 AM, I predicted that Blaine Gabbert would fall in the draft. Now there is actually a report that I may be right.

This whole article is good, but this picture is amazing.

I'm already sick of Berman. This could be a long night.

Although I don't think Cam Newton is worthy of the number one pick (I heart Patrick Peterson), he is still the best QB prospect in this draft. People who rated other QBs higher than him are not evaluating the talent. Yes, a different QB could be better than him (maybe my boy Greg McElroy), but judging a guy on talent and potential, Newton is by far the best QB available. But I still wouldn't have taken him number one.

I love Von Miller, but I am incredibly disappointed to see him drafted into a 4-3 scheme. I think he could be an absolute monster in a 3-4 scheme as a blitzing outside linebacker. There are definitely ways to use Von Miller in a 4-3, but I'd want to see a heavy blitzing style to truly utilize his talents. This pick just bums me out.

I love the Arizona Cardinals pick of Patrick Peterson. Some will complain that they don't "need" a corner, but everybody can use a Patrick Peterson. Dude is a stud. If cornerbacks can go into Beast Mode, Patrick Peterson will be there every game.

I love the trade for the Browns. They don't have a lot of talent, so stockpiling picks is a wise decision. Also, I like the trade for the Falcons. Did they give up a lot? Yes. But that offense just got a whole lot better, and this is a team that can win the Super Bowl. They needed another impact talent, and I think they got him. I know Gruden is freaking out about dropped passes, but he elevated his game in big games and won the battle against Patrick Peterson, so the guy has the skills to be a great player.

I was in the middle of writing about Aldon Smith being the worst pick of the first round when, holy shit, Jake Locker got selected one pick after him. Jake Locker's great asset is toughness. I would rather my QB avoid hits and get rid of the ball. Also, I'd like him to read the field. Oh yeah, and I'd like him to throw the ball accurately. These are all things that Jake Locker does not do, but maybe being able to scan a field and throw a good ball are overrated traits for a quarterback.

I'd like to point out that I had Blaine Gabbert dropping in this draft. I think him getting picked tenth proves my genius. Also, I still think he sucks. He was in an offense that was made for gaudy statistics and didn't put up statistics.
In unrelated news, I will not be happy if Robert Quinn goes to the Vikings or Lions.

First off, thank you Minnesota Vikings.
Next off, um, hum, I really hope Nick Fairley is lazy more often than not, because if he hustles, the Lions could absolutely annihilate the middle of offensive lines. This is a great fit. Jim Schwartz is a great coach. You put him in between another young linemen with a ton of talent in Suh and a great veteran presence like Kyle Vanden Bosch. This makes a ton of sense, and terrifies me as a Bears fan.

Yeah, the Rams just got the steal of the draft. I love Robert Quinn. The guy is a Top-5 talent. That guy is going to be a beast.

I don't like Kerrigan in a 4-3. I hate him in a 3-4.
Also, the Patriots will take Cam Jordan here, because he is awesome and the Patriots like drafting awesome players. I hate the Patriots for this.

Scratch that. They just took the guy I thought was the most overrated player in the draft. I now like the Patriots for drafting him.
I will now predict that the Chargers select Cameron Jordan.

Even when Berman prepares material, it still sucks, and somehow, may even suck more than his regular annoyance.

I'm obviously happy that Clayborn went 20th to Tampa Bay. I honestly don't understand the bust talk. At worst, he's an above average starter. By all accounts, he's an incredibly hard worker. Congratulations to the first Hawkeye taken off the board.

The Cleveland Browns are building the 2002 Chicago Bears defense, and I LOVE IT. Not since Sam Adams and Ted Washington teamed together have we seen this much beef in the middle of a defensive line. I have been screaming for teams to do this, and I'm super excited to see my experiment in action.

We may disagree with a lot of things that Roger Goodell does, but him bringing out US Military and getting a USA chant going right before a Canadian was picked was an awesome maneuver. Way to stick it to Canada. By the way, I really like Watkins as a player, but USA ALL THE WAY.

This draft is setting up to be the satisfying fellatio that I have fantasized about. Carimi is falling. Please God, let this finally happen. As someone who has had to watch Cutler play quarterback, I have suffered enough, tuck your teeth and give me the lineman I desire.

Thank you Bears. This is the happiest I have ever been with the NFL Draft, and there are still two days left. It's official. The Bears have learned to tuck their teeth.

Just in case it wasn't blatantly obvious, here is my Bears shadow draft pick.

Round one is over, and overall, a pretty good night for the Bears. Yes, the Lions got a beast, but he's still a head case, so maybe he'll bomb out. The Vikings reached big time. And the Packers got a good player, but I'd rather have Carimi at tackle. Plus, they didn't steal Ingram or Cam Heyward, so I can actually sleep well as a Bears fan for a change.

Have a wonderful night everybody.


P.S. Although filming hasn't begun yet, this is going to be the greatest movie in the history of cinema.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Most Underrated Prospects In The 2011 NFL Draft

Here is my final NFL Draft related piece before it actually starts. These are the most underrated player at each position. By publishing this list, it absolutely ensures that the Bears will not draft a single player on this list. The Packers will probably draft six. God, I hate the Packers.

QB - Greg McElroy - Alabama - I have already talked about McElroy, but I would just like to reiterate that I think he will provide great value for the team that drafts him.

RB - Dion Lewis - Pittsburgh - After the first three backs, it's a complete crapshoot on who will be drafted where. Running back is a position that has a lot to do with having the opportunity to succeed as well. I don't feel especially strong about this one, but Lewis is a guy to watch. He had a fantastic 2009 and a disappointing 2010. I don't know if he'll be a feature back, but he should be a good number two to have around.

FB - Brett Morse - Iowa - Because Brett Morse is awesome. Duh. In all seriousness though, there's a reason Iowa's running game has been very good these last few years despite varying talents of the offensive line and actual running backs, and Morse is a big reason why.

WR - Jeff Maehl - Oregon - The man that takes the title of most underrated player in the entire draft. Did anybody watch Oregon this year? Anytime they needed a play from the passing game, they looked to Maehl who was ALWAYS open. His measurables weren't impressive, and people complained that his body looked soft for a receiver. I don't see why any of this is important, because all this guy does is get open and make catches. That should count for something, right? I will be shocked if he is not successful in the NFL.

OT - I don't have any strong feelings about anyone who is greatly underrated at this position.

OG - Stephen Schilling - Michigan - Michigan's offense was very good, and as valuable as Denard Robinson was, he still needs people to block for him to have a chance to get in the open field. Schilling was a very good interior lineman for them, but he was forgotten because of people getting "Denarded" and the fact that he plays offensive guard.

C - Stefen Wisniewski - Penn State - This may be cheating, because National Football Post is high on him, but most places aren't. He was a great lineman at Penn State, and I just don't see a way that this guy fails to be a good player in the NFL.

DE - Greg Romeus - Pittsburgh - I don't know how I managed two Pittsburgh guys on this list, because I don't even like Pittsburgh, but here they are again. Romeus was hurt this past year, but many saw him as a potential first round pick going into the year. The fact that you might be able to get him in the fourth round would provide excellent upside, but definitely with some risk involved.

DT - Drake Nevis - LSU - Remember good Tommie Harris? That's what this guy can be. If he falls to the end of the second round and the Bears actually take him, this may be the first draft ever where I don't end up feeling sick afterwards.

OLB - Mark Herzlich - Boston College - This is partially for him overcoming cancer to play this past year. But before he had to overcome cancer, he was seen as a first round pick. Last year, he was still in recovery mode. I'm no doctor, so I can't say he'll ever be as good as he once showed, but I think it's a good risk to take in the middle rounds.

ILB - Greg Jones - Michigan State - All this guy did was dominate at the college level and carry the Spartan defense. He's not going to be great in coverage, but he also won't be a total liability. This guy is a football player, and I think that has been getting overlooked when evaluating him.

CB - Kendric Burney - North Carolina - His measurables are all terrible, but he has great instincts, and I think he has the ability to be a valuable nickel corner early in his career.

S - David Sims - Iowa State - Iowa State's defense was awful, but this guy always seemed to be around the ball. Had he played with talent around him, he's at least a third round pick. Instead, he appears headed towards the end of the draft if drafted at all, but I think this guy can be a solid starter in the NFL.

P - Ryan Donahue - Yes, he's listed as most people's top Punter, but I have not seen him on anybody's Top-25 available list, and that is a shame. Plus, I had to put him on this list, because I really didn't want to end it on an Iowa State guy.

And I believe this will be my last post about the NFL Draft before the NFL Draft. But stay tuned, as there is a good chance I live draft for the Bears picks so you can see who the Bears should have drafted.


P.S. Brian McRae recently received his third DUI. This is sad for the obvious reason, but also because he is one of the few celebrities whose number I have in my phone. We once partied at a place called The Daiquiri Factory (I wish I was joking). He's an extremely friendly guy; he just must love driving drunk. Nothing wrong with that...well except for the driving drunk part.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Most Overrated Prospects In The 2011 NFL Draft

I feel it is time to reveal the most overrated prospects in the draft. I want the Bears to avoid these players at all costs, so I will be absolutely shocked if the Bears don't end up with at least two of the guys on this list. My favorite teams hate me.

QB - Blaine Gabbert - Missouri - I already wrote about this one, and I stand by everything I said.

RB - Mario Fannin - Auburn - He wasn't good enough to start in college. Yes, Michael Dyer is a very good back, but Fannin was a Senior who should have been important to the Auburn offense. But he's been rising up draft boards, because he's got a good 40 time and a big body. I feel like many NFL teams are full of nerds who were never able to get the pretty girl, so they go for the pretty prospect to make up for ending up with a fat wife back at home. I have no proof of this, but I still feel the theory is sound.

FB - Nobody - I am physically unable to dislike a fullback; they are inherently awesome.

WR - There's a ton of variation on where guys are going to go at this position, so it's tough to know until I see a team take a certain wide receiver way too early. If I wanted to base things off pure speculation, I'd say A.J. Green, but that's mostly because I could never will myself to watch Georgia play.

TE - Weslye Saunders - South Carolina - Big, but not that great of a blocker. Slow and off the field problems. I don't see why anybody would waste a draft pick on this guy.

OT - Nate Solder - Colorado - The most overrated prospect in the entire NFL draft. I will guarantee that speed rushers fly by him. I think a lot of power rushers will push him back. Doesn't bend well, skinny in the lower half, I am 90% sure that the Bears will draft him and leave me cursing for the following two days of the draft.

OG/C - Nobody - Just like fullbacks, interior linemen are inherently awesome.

DE - Ryan Kerrigan - Purdue - I wrote about him extensively here, but there's rumblings that he may go Top-10, and I just don't see him being explosive enough to warrant that type of a pick.

DT - Muhammad Wilkerson - Temple - This guy has been getting a ton of love lately as a possible top-20 pick, and when watching him in games, I came away completely underwhelmed as he really didn't dominate low-level competition and Penn State completely took him out of the game when he played an upper echelon opponent.

OLB - Dontay Moch - He's projected as just a mid-round pick, but a lot of that is based on the way that he impressed with his numbers at the combine. The guy is a great athlete, but that doesn't make him a great football player.

ILB - Casey Matthews - Oregon - I know he has long hair just like his brother, but that's where the comparisons end. He's slower, less powerful, and a worse tackler. He's a guy you take in the seventh round to be a special teams player, not a guy you really expect to make an impact.

CB - Chris L. Rucker - Michigan State - I have seen him listed as a sleeper pick by some experts. Maybe he is, but only if you go to sleep and when you wake up you realize it would be a bad idea to waste a draft pick on him. He has good size, solid speed, but isn't a real good football player. On top of that, he had a lot of off the field troubles. I wouldn't touch him.

S - Nobody - They aren't inherently awesome like fullbacks and interior linemen, but they are rarely actually on the televison screen so it's difficult for me to say somebody sucks at this position.

K - Freddy Adu - Rizespor - Don't believe the hype. This guy sucks at football (this analysis would have been groundbreaking eight years ago).


P.S. With all the talk of how steroids hurt the game of baseball, how has nobody brought up the two people who were hurt most by it? Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine totally could have had a threesome with Heather Locklear.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Ultimate Guys' Week

My brother and I have been looking forward to this week for months. At first, we just thought a few awesome things would happen during this week, but then we realized that more and more awesome activities kept popping up. That is why April  25-May 2 is The Ultimate Guys' Week. Now clearly every week is Guys' Week, so what makes this The Ultimate Guys' Week? Oh, let me show you the ways. Here is your agenda for this extravaganza.

NBA Playoffs - All Week
Have you seen Derrick Rose? No, seriously, have you seen Derrick Rose? Holy shit, watching him play basketball gets me so excited that I'd probably bang an HB7 (only people familiar with the seduction community will understand that reference). Also, there's some other teams hoping for second place.

NHL Playoffs - All Week
Since I'm not Canadian, I really don't care about the NHL but I figured I should at least put it on the list. Plus, I'm only going to cover one event taking place in Canada this week, and that's not until Saturday. If Roenick's still playing, I'll root for whatever team he is on.

WWE Tough Enough - Monday
Stone Cold is undeniably awesome, and he shines on this show. Plus it's got Hugh Morrus (get it?) who is awesome, and Booker T who definitely has some West Coast Dance moves. To top it off, they've got eye candy with Trish Stratus. That last part puts it over the edge and makes it the only reality show that is essential viewing for Guys' Week (My apologies to The Ultimate Fighter).

Monday Night RAW - Monday
Because pro wrestling is ultra-manly, so it's a great way to start off the week. And it's going to be an extra awesome show as it's the WWE Draft. Smackdown guys could go to RAW, RAW guys could go to Smackdown, and Superstars like Zack Ryder (more on him later) may finally get on television.

The A-Team - Tuesday
Since nothing outside of the playoffs is happening on Tuesday night, it'd be a great time to add to your testosterone by buying The A-Team on DVD or Blue-Ray and watching it. Tuesday would also be a good time to have some flapjacks, the official meal of the lumberjack (an ultra manly occupation). Actually, scratch that, every day of this week would be a good time to have some flapjacks.

South Park - Wednesday
Season premiere of the greatest cartoon ever made. Plus, chicks hate cartoons, making them extra manly.

Z! True Long Island Story - Thursday

If you're not watching the hottest new show on YouTube, then you're really missing out. I don't care if you're an Edge Head or a part of Cenation, after watching one episode of this show, Zack Ryder will become your favorite wrestler, and you'll be hoping for the day that you can become Broski of the Week. Woo Woo Woo...You Know It!

Parks And Recreation - Thursday
Because Ron Swanson is the Charles Bronson of sitcoms.

NFL Draft - Thursday-Saturday
Real men love the NFL Draft, because no matter how bad your team is, this is the event that gives all people hope (except when your favorite team trades away a bunch of picks to pick up a shitty quarterback like Jay Cutler). I recommend watching on NFL Network, because ESPN's Draft "Experts" are about as useful as women when it comes to their knowledge of football. And, as guys, we all know women don't know anything about awesome things like football. Man, women sure are worthless (although you and I are not in the same place, I totally have my hand up for a virtual high-five).

Fast Five - Friday
A lot of people see previews for this movie and dismissively think it will just be another stupid Vin Diesel movie. I look at these previews and realize that it will just be another AWESOME Vin Diesel movie. These guys live their lives a quarter mile at a time. They have avoided the police for 10 years despite driving nothing but gaudy looking cars. In the last movie, Paul Walker was helping Diesel with his car, but left and told him that he'd be right back. He then proceeded to bang Diesel's sister. That's the boldest move of anyone in movie history. But something tells me that these guys' luck may run out. What is that something? THE ROCK. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel is the greatest matchup of badasses in movie history. I fully expect my testicles to suffer from elephantitis by the time this movie is over.

Friday Night Smackdown - Friday
The first show after the draft, and the last show before the PPV. Plus it ends by 9:00 CST giving you plenty of time to drift afterwards if you're still jacked up after Fast Five.

UFC 129 - Saturday
Even if you don't like hockey, there is reason to give attention to the Canadians during The Ultimate Guys' Week. Up in Canada, there is a fantastic card featuring two title fights involving Canadians. Mark Hominick goes against Jose Aldo for the featherweight title, and Georges St. Pierre defends his title against Jake Shields. If that's not enough, the card also features Randy Couture taking on evil karate expert Lyoto Machida (Basically, if you practice karate and you're not the Karate Kid, it means that you use your karate for evil). Even if you don't follow MMA, all you need to know is that its violence, and violence is fucking awesome (so is cussing).

WWE Extreme Rules - Sunday
It's like MMA, only with weapons (while substituting reality), so it never fails to entertain.

WWE Tough Enough/Monday Night Raw - Monday
What's that you say? There's only seven days in a week. This is The Ultimate Guys' Week, so you're lucky that I'm ending it after ONLY eight days. And yes, we need eight days for all this testosterone boosting action. We end where we started with Monday Night Raw rocking our jock off. And yes, I wear a jockstrap while watching wrestling, as well as a number of other activities. It's what badasses do. Speaking of badasses, this marks the return of The Rock, as he will be celebrating his birthday.

The Ultimate Guys' Week could be the greatest eight days of your life. Even though this week is for the fellas, don't worry ladies, you can still be used to satisfy our carnal urges...and for cooking.


P.S. You know what's manly? Michael Jordan raping the Celtics defense, take it away, MJ:

Friday, April 22, 2011

Scouting The NFL Draft - The Cornerbacks

It is really tough to scout cornerbacks using the television film that we use to make all of our judgments on everything related to football. It's so tough, because unless the receiver is running a very short route, the cornerbacks aren't actually on the screen. I touched on Patrick Peterson many months ago, and nothing has changed; he is awesome. But here are three other cornerbacks to know about before the draft begins.

Prince Amukamara - I have been down on Prince since before the season started as I thought it was ludicrous that people saw him as a Top-5 pick. It's still ludicrous, but many more people have jumped on that bandwagon. In his game against Oklahoma State, he got dominated by a great receiver in Justin Blackmon. I don't really hold this against him as just about anybody is going to have some struggles when trying to cover a receiver of that caliber. Prince will never be Darrelle Revis, but that doesn't mean that he can't be good. Amukamara is a guy who takes chances, and that is why he consistently lets receivers behind him. If he is left on an island, bad things are going to happen. But if you run a defense like the Bears ran this year where they actually mixed a lot of man coverage into their basic Cover-2 scheme, I think he could be pretty successful. He's got good ball instincts, and if he's going to have a safety over the top for the most part, it will give him an opportunity to take chances where he could become an impact player. If he is drafted into the right scheme, I think he has the ability to be a very good corner in the NFL. I think he's worthy of going into the middle of the first round.

Brandon Harris - Harris is a smaller corner who can get exploited by bigger receivers as shown in his tape against Notre Dame. Most people thought this was his worst game, and I think a lot of that had to do with a lot of slips throughout the game. He's a guy who will depend on his speed and quickness, and without footing, he isn't going to look very good. I don't think you'll see many people burn by him, but he could struggle in jump ball situations down the field. I would not draft him ahead of the next guy on my list.

Jimmy Smith - Smith is a cornerback out of Colorado who is dropping on most people's boards because of character concerns. He's a big cornerback and has good speed, so the upside is there. He looked excellent against Oklahoma in shutting down his receiver and also making some nice tackles when helping in the run game. I think him on the Ravens is the absolute most perfect fit of any player and team in this entire draft. The Ravens need a big corner, and I don't know if anybody has the balls to have character or work ethic problems with Ray Lewis around. I really hope this happens.


P.S. Here's Jose Canseco's introductory press conference with the Yuma Scorpions:

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Scouting The NFL Draft - Big 12/MAC Defensive Linemen

It's time for some more NFL Draft analysis. Yes, I realize that this is not what most people come to this site for, but hey, after yesterday's post (which has gotten rave reviews), I feel like I deserve a little leeway. Today, we tackle (get it?) prospects from the Big 12 and the MAC (at least I'm pretty sure Temple is in the MAC). Without further adieu, let's break down these fellas.
Von Miller - I know he isn't going to play defensive line at the professional level, but he did in college, so I feel like I can include him here. I watched the tape of his game against Texas, and he annihilated them. The thing that jumps out at me is his acceleration. He gets up to max speed very quickly, although I don't think his straight line speed looks all that impressive. I don't think this will hurt him in pass rush, but it could be an issue if he is forced to play man-to-man coverage with a running back or tight end. Even when he doesn't have the quickness to beat his blocker, he has enough strength to still disrupt plays even when getting locked up with much bigger guys. But most lineman have trouble locking him up, because he stays incredibly low. At times, it looks like he gets his inside shoulder about a foot off the ground when rushing, and it's tough for guys who are 6'6"-6'8" to get a hand on a guy who can get that low. He's a great fit for a 3-4 scheme, and he's a legitimate Top-5 talent.

Aldon Smith - Smith is a guy I really didn't see much of this year, and he didn't make much of an impression against Iowa. I watched his game tape against Nebraska, and I think he has some nice moves when trying to rush on the inside. He used the swim effectively and was also able to really narrow his body when trying to shoot through a gap in the middle of the line. On run plays, he got outpowered at times, and I can see that as a problem for him at the next level. I like him more as a 3-4 backer than a 4-3 end, because of the strength issue. I think he can be an effective pass rusher, not great, but effective. I worry about him against running plays, because he often looked lost when trying to read plays. This might be something that is easier for him if he's standing at the linebacker spot than down on the line. Finally, I don't like his lack of aggression. He makes a lot of ankle tackles, and when he sees a teammate in the process of wrapping a guy up, he doesn't join the pile and get in on the gang tackle, but instead just pulls up and lets whaever happens happen. This really bothers me, as I don't see him as somebody who loves contact. He's got the physical attributes to be a solid 3-4 outside linebacker, but his lack of physicality would make me look elsewhere on draft day.

Phil Taylor - Watching Phil Taylor against Oklahoma State, I can definitely see why some are getting excited about him.  He's 330 pounds and can really disrupt plays with his size and power. If offensive linemen want to push him back while he wants to go forward, the best they can hope for is maintaining position. On a few plays, he really had excellent use of his hands. And when he stays low, he can and will drive the offensive lineman right into the backfield. He has trouble moving laterally as he more tries to shuffle his feet along instead of turning his hips and driving towards the direction he needs to go. That's my biggest concern about him as he's definitely a nose tackle in a 3-4 defense at the next level, but he needs to improve on that to avoid leaving big holes on misdirection plays. I'd look at him in the middle of the second, but I would let somebody else have him if they're looking at him as a first round pick.

Muhammad Wilkerson - He's a guy who has been getting a lot of hype lately as a possible first round selection. I watched his tape against Central Michigan, and I understand why people would like his frame, but I think it would be a huge mistake to take this guy in the first round. He played the 3-4 end in Temple's defense, but I see him as a defensive tackle in a 4-3 in the NFL. He's got a big body and some solid pass rush moves, but he's not real explosive. He never really got outpowered by anybody, but it was against Central Michigan, so I'm not going to give him a gold star for that. I see him as more of a third round prospect where you can draft him for his size and hope for above average performance after a few years.


P.S. Here is a pretty awesome MMA video of famous mixed martial artists when they were fighting at smaller shows.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Taco Bell Has Created A Double Decker Utopia

Last year, I absolutely raved about Sneaky Taco Bell Guy and what the geniuses at Taco Bell were conveying in their fantastic commercial. Well, we can no longer chalk up that amazing commercial to luck as Taco Bell has another commercial that brings a smile to my face every time that I see it. The viewer believes they're watching a commercial about a taco, but in reality, it's a commercial about a better lifestyle. The taco is the quintessence of this lifestyle.

This commercial promotes the new Double Decker. Yes, a new Double Decker. Somehow, the masterminds at Taco Bell took their best item on the menu and made it better. Here is the video for those unfamiliar with the advertisement:
What sets this commercial apart from the crappy commercials with babies talking about investing and some white guy rapping about his cell phone service is that there is actually deep meaning within this commercial. In just 30 seconds, Taco Bell conveys a utopia, a dream world where different groups of people come together as one. We could only be so lucky to live in this place.

The first thing that is conveyed is the socioeconomic equality within this commercial. Here they are at a fancy cocktail party, but instead of having sushi or some fancy finger food, they go with 89 cent Cheesy Double Deckers. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, wealth has no advantages in this world.

Next up is that different races are able to mix together.
These two gals are having a great time, and the color of their skin does not matter. Everyone can enjoy a Cheesy Double Decker.

I actually found this third example of overall equality much later than the others. This commercial actually conveys that this world is completely tolerant of both hetero and homosexual relationships. Don't believe me? Check out this screen shot:
On the right, we have the traditional (although with mixed races) heterosexual relationship. The left side of the screen very clearly shows two well-dressed gentlemen enjoying each other's company. It's the perfect world, so they do not need to hide from the world. In Cheesy Double Decker Land, all life decisions are encouraged, as long as they lead to happiness. Obviously, a lot of religious zealots are not fond of the homosexual lifestyle, but Taco Bell has them in mind as well. Our Winning Taco Guy points the taco to draw attention to the normal relationship on his left (the viewer's right), so the deeply religious people can live in Cheesy Double Decker Land without having to worry about the evils (in their opinion) of homosexuality.

But the equality that pops out at even the most casual observer is that beautiful people and normal looking people are all together in this world without judgment on outward appearance. Now that's not to say that the people in this commercial are not trying; they are, but since nobody is judged on outward appearance, their effort comes from their own personal satisfaction as opposed to trying to conform to societal norms.

But what about the non-beautiful people? Well, just look at who is the most normal looking person. It's the guy who is celebrating his "Winning" Taco. He represents us. He is living our dream, as he has been placed in this utopia for no other reason but to obtain the maximum satisfaction from life. And he's achieving that. How many times have you been as happy as he is when he discovers his winning taco? Probably not too many. And that leads us to the most interesting screenshot of the entire commercial:
You see, although he finds this winner of Double Decker Tacos, it's not him that is the winner; it's the world. Hence, he holds out the taco, because he wants to share this amazing discovery with the viewer. And that is where the Cheesy Double Decker becomes so important to this commercial. We can't live in this world, but in a small way, we can bring this world to us.

The Cheesy Double Decker is a perfect utopia that has been brought to our normal existence. The meat is the rich people's source of protein while beans represent the poor person's source. The soft shell represents the white race, while the hard shell with its darker pigment represents all the races combining with the whites in perfect harmony. Although two cheeses coming together may seem unconventional, it is not only accepted, but encouraged in the Cheesy Double Decker. And the lettuce? It signifies normalcy in a world of beautiful flavors, because just like in this utopia, there's room for a little bit of everything in the Cheesy Double Decker.

Taco Bell isn't selling a Taco; they're selling a better life..and I'm buying.


P.S. Here is another awesome Taco Bell commercial. The introduction of the Double Decker.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Road Warriors Book Review

I recently finished the book, The Road Warriors by Joe Laurinaitis.Yes, father of James, and the professional wrestler known as Animal has a book about his time in possibly the greatest tag team of all time. Overall, it was an interesting read with a lot of good stories (which are always in abundance in the world of professional wrestling). The biggest downside of the book was that the descriptions of the wrestling matches came across as if what was happening was real. I found that distracting while reading through it, but it's still well worth a read if you have any interest in pro wrestling.

Here are a few of my favorite stories from the book:

First off, a lot of pro wrestling fans probably know this, but The Road Warriors helped create Zubaz.
So that's pretty awesome.

There was a bar in Minnesota called Gramma B’s that had the following bouncers, Nikita Koloff, Scott Norton, Hawk, Animal, The Bezerker, and Rick Rude. With those bouncers, they could have taken care of the Double Deuce way easier than Dalton did (that's a Road House reference for all those nerds reading this).

Haku got in a bar fight with a wrestler named Jesse Barr and popped his eye out of its socket. Note to self: Don't get in bar fights with Haku.

Animal was making good money but had zero game with the ladies. He fancied a lady at the gym, and when he found out it was her 21st birthday, he said to have some champagne on him as he handed her a couple hundred bucks. He didn’t even go out with her that night because he had to travel for wrestling. He casually tells this story like it’s not a big deal, but this is one of the saddest things I have ever heard in my life. At least it has a happy ending as he married this woman and produced a badass middle linebacker for the St. Louis Rams.

Hawk married a woman named Dale. That sentence epitomizes the world of professional wrestling.
On top of that, Macho Man pulled a Clubber Lang, and asked Dale if she’d like him to take her under the table and show her what a real man’s like.
Hawk retaliated by slapping him backstage at a show in Japan right before Savage was about to head to the ring.
Oh yeah, years later, they fought at, you guessed it, a Kid Rock concert. Professional wrestling has to be the most interesting profession in the world.

And finally, a story that is definitely not for the feint of heart. Mike Rotunda (best known as IRS) decided to go to the pool for some late night skinny dipping. He hopped the fence with no problems on the way in. On the way out, he did catch a problem, as the fence caught his guy and ripped the top skin off his member. He was so drunk that he didn't realize it until he woke up the next morning and had to go to the hospital.

Yeah, pro wrestling is awesome.


P.S. Here is a good interview with Iowa Head Basketball Coach, Fran McCaffery.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Scouting The NFL Draft - SEC/PAC-10 Defensive Linemen

Okay, it is time to move onto the SEC and PAC-10. I will admit that my first scouting report kind of sucks, but at least I am honest instead of just making up bullshit to make myself look smart. Also, today was a fun one to write as I am in love (in a total heterosexual dude-on-prospect sort of way) with the last guy I talk about.

Marcell Dareus - Nobody but talent evaluators seem to care about Dareus, as I couldn't find any good game footage from him. I watched Alabama a few times this season, and I can say that he didn't really pop out at me, but I also wasn't looking for him. He's had a lot of good reports on him, so best of luck to a probable Top-5 pick who I know very little about.

Nick Fairley - Would I draft Nick Fairley? No. Could I see myself regretting that down the road? Yes. He looked very impressive at times in the way he was able to immediately penetrate into the backfield. I think he has very impressive acceleration at the snap, but a lot of his big plays seemed to result at least in part to poor blocking. Defensive tackles don't get an unimpeded path to the quarterback in the NFL. He doesn't have good awareness or vision, but he's got great strength and speed to make up for it. He could be valuable in getting penetration inside, but I can just about guarantee that he'll be a liability against the run as he rushes upfield while the running back shoots through the hole that he vacates. On top of all of this, he has had some dumb penalties against him, and his temper could be used against him.  He's a top-five talent, but he's not a guy I would want to take a chance on.

Cameron Jordan - Jordan is really an ideal 3-4 end. When going up against Colorado, he showed that he's strong at the point of attack and does an excellent job of using his hands.  He gets an excellent bust off the line and has a great motor. He's also got really good instincts when diagnosing plays. I really don't have much bad to say about him other than he tends to go a little high when tackling which could make him look silly on occasion in the NFL. Also, when in that 3-4, he wasn't facing the best offensive linemen that Colorado had to offer as he was usually on the left side of the defense, but all the physical attributes are there and I loved how active his hands were. I see him as a Top-10 talent as a 3-4 end, and I'd probably go Top-15 if teams wanted to transition him to a 4-3 end.

Stephen Paea - Let me start off by saying that I do not care that he benched 225 pounds 49 times. That is very impressive, but it means nothing to me when evaluating him as a football player. With that being said, he does show power when he is on the football field, and that is important to me. When he stays low, he gets great penetration, but he has a tendency to get high and when he does this, he can be pushed back off the line of scrimmage. In the USC game, he showed a nonstop motor that was best exemplified when blocking Matt Barkley 40 yards downfield after an interception to help get his defensive back a touchdown. That's the type of play that really gets me excited about a player. And he shows it on every play as he never gets discouraged if he struggles against a block on first contact, always looks to join in on gang tackles, and just plays to the whistle. This is a guy I would be ecstatic about at the end of the first round (I really hope the Bears are reading this).


P.S. Do you want to experience the most amazing nine minutes of your life? Then watch this Derrick Rose highlight video from the first game of the playoffs:

P.P.S. As awesome as Rose was, I have to admit that Deng doing this was probably my favorite moment of the game.

I'm pretty sure everybody but Korver would fight to protect Rose (I don't blame Kyle for this, he's a pretty man, and I'm guessing he wouldn't be much help anyway).

P.P.P.S. The refs have been terrible so far in the playoffs. They had a terrible offensive foul call on Melo that significantly hurt the Knicks, they missed a bad offensive goaltending call in the Nuggets game, and you could make a strong case that the Heat benefited greatly from the lack of foul calls against them. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Scouting The NFL Draft - Big East/ACC Defensive Linemen

Onto the second part of my analysis of the top prospects in this upcoming NFL Draft (which you will see, has a very heavy focus on the defensive line). Today we look at three guys from the ACC and a defensive end out of the Big East.  Onto the players, or as the kids are saying, playaz (I'm pretty hip).

Allen Bailey - This may have been my favorite tape to watch, as there was literally NOTHING to get excited about in his game against Florida State. He didn't show speed, he didn't show quickness, he didn't show strength, he simply didn't show anything. I have no clue why people thought he was an athletic freak (which he proved he wasn't at the combine), but I wouldn't even look at him as anything more than an undrafted free agent (To be fair, most people don't see him as more than a late round pick, but I figured since I had to watch his boring tape, I'd at least get an extra review out of it).

DaQuan Bowers - Bowers has been one of the most volatile players during this period before the draft. He was talked about as the first overall pick, and now some say he could slip to the middle of the first round or possibly even later. He was recovering from an injury when he tested out for his pro day, and most people were disappointed with his performance. After watching his tape against Maryland, I really don't know what they expected, because he doesn't look that fast on tape. He makes up for it by doing a very good job of reading plays and putting himself in good position to make an impact. He's most known for his pass rush as he led the NCAA in sacks, but there are some big questions for how it will translate to the next level. He was able to explode by guys in college, but his explosiveness didn't wow me. And he really needs to develop a second move, because he relies on trying to get around the edge with decent speed, a good motor, and great instincts. He used an inside spin move once, and it was successful, but didn't look all that smooth. Even though it was only play, Bowers looked very explosive when coming in from a standing linebacker position as he shot straight through a gap in the middle of the Maryland line. I think he's a 4-3 end in the NFL, but I would like to see teams move him around a little bit to get the full benefits of his talent. He desperately needs an interior move, but I think his instincts make his physical attributes play up. I see him as a Top-10 guy on talent, but a lot of that will depend on what teams find out from his physical.

Robert Quinn - One thing that I love is that probable first round offensive tackle, Anthony Castonzo, said that Robert Quinn was the toughest guy he played against. Conveniently, I was able to find some of the tape of North Carolina playing against Boston College. For defensive lineman, I don't think anybody does a better job of dipping their inside shoulder than Quinn. It's very tough for an offensive lineman to get leverage on a guy when he is able to avoid contact like that. At times, he'd just fly around Castonzo, but he also showed a solid inside move. Maybe the most impressive thing is that it was rare to see him get blown off the line, despite not being a very big defensive end. He struggled a little when looking to contain the run, but with his size, that's not real surprising since it's a situation where the offensive lineman gets to attack and the defensive end is just trying to hold his ground to redirect the play inside. Quinn was a two-time state wrestling champion in high school. That pretty much guarantees that I am going to like him more than other prospects based just off that. Although I could see him doing well as a 3-4 outside linebacker, I see him as having Pro Bowl potential as a 4-3 end, and despite having to take a year off last year, I see him as a Top-5 talent.

Jabaal Sheard - I watched the tape of Jabaal Sheard against Miami, and he interested me a lot more than I thought he would.  He plays very fast and gets a good jump off the line of scrimmage. He's not a huge guy, so I'm not sure how well he'll be able to handle the run, as he looked more explosive than powerful. He didn't really show any sort of inside move, as all of his pressure came from just getting around the tackle. I like him most as a 3-4 OLB where he can use that explosiveness to cause havoc in the backfield. and in the Miami game, he showed enough speed and quickness to handle coverage when necessary.


P.S. If there's one thing I love, it's articles mocking clutch performance. This article does an excellent job of that.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Scouting The NFL Draft - Big Ten Defensive Linemen

Today, I begin a series of breaking down the top defensive prospects in the upcoming NFL Draft. Combining what I saw during the season as well as any game footage I could find on YouTube, I try to break down player's strengths and weaknesses and come up with who are the strongest choices for your team to select this season. Today, I am going to focus on the top defensive linemen from The Big Ten.

Adrian Clayborn - I think this guy will be a steal if selected in the 20s, and I'm not just saying that because of my love for the Hawkeyes. If he came out last year, he's almost definitely a Top-15 pick, but he did have a disappointing season last year so his stock isn't quite as high as it was last year. But the positives are that he went back to school to get better with technique, so he's almost definitely a better football player. The stats weren't there, but he's shown he's capable of dominating a game. I rewatched highlights of him against Gabe Carimi of Wisconsin, and even though he didn't light up the stat sheet, he definitely made a big impact in that game. The way he uses his hands is best described as violent. It's very rare for an offensive lineman to get a hold of him, as he does an excellent job of using his hands to create space. I understand people believing that his conditioning is questionable, but his hustle never is as when he's on the field, he is always getting after it. Even though I think he could be solid, I would be disappointed to see him as a 3-4 end, but if you put him in a 4-3, I think he's going to be a very good player. Probably not an All-Pro, but he'll give you above average play against both the pass and the run.

Cameron Heyward - I don't like much about Ohio State, but I do admire that they recruit players who are the sons of total badasses like Road Warrior Animal and Craig "Ironhead" Heyward. The fun thing about Heyward is that he has tape of a great matchup against Gabe Carimi of Wisconsin. Heyward shows excellent quickness off the snap and also has great strength to help him drive forward. The problem is that he might as well not even have arms, because he does not use them to shed blocks. He simply gets by on strength and athleticism. If he used his hands, he'd be a monster, and I'd probably see him as a Top-10 pick. But because of not even having a basic understanding of how to use his hands, he's really going to struggle at the next level as he got manhandled by Carimi in the Wisconsin game. Good offensive lineman are going to be able to get their hands under his shoulder pads and simply take him wherever they want. He's being projected late-first, early-second, and I think that's fair. It's a risk to take him, but if you believe that you can coach him to use his hands actively and effectively, this guy could be a steal.

Ryan Kerrigan - I looked at his tape against Ohio State to get a good look at him since he was lucky enough to not go against the Hawkeyes these past two years. He does a good job of dipping his shoulder when rushing around the outside. But that seems to be his only move. He rarely even tried to move to the inside. When going up against OSU's right tackle, he looked great, but when he went up against their left tackle, Mike Adams, he got handled fairly easily. Overall, I was disappointed. He's got a great motor, but I don't think his athleticism will be enough for his college moves to transfer to the pro game. This is not a guy I would look at in the first round.

JJ Watt - I watched a decent amount of Wisconsin this year but recently focused on his performance against Ohio State. He's big, slow and has a nonstop motor. It's an interesting combination, and there's a lot of things that don't add up. Despite being big, he can often get completely taken out of a play when the offensive lineman is the aggressor. Despite being slow, he can cause havoc in the backfield with his quickness. And despite his motor, his style of play can sometimes take him so far away from the play that it's impossible for him to make any sort of impact. I know that he was super productive in his last season, but what people overlook, and what really concerns me, is that he primarily played at left end. That means that he was going against the right tackle, which is going to be everybody's second best tackle. In the NFL, there's a significant difference between the two, so in college, it's going to be a huge difference. If I'm running a 4-3, I won't touch him. In a 3-4, I wouldn't look at him until the end of round one. He'll most likely be gone by then, but I don't see a high ceiling, so this isn't something that I see haunting me in the future.


P.S. And for another Big Ten scouting report, here is the National Football Post's breakdown of Iowa Quarterback, Ricky Stanzi.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Jose Canseco Is Back In Baseball

Jose has done it again. He has proved the haters wrong. When he said he wanted to play professional baseball, people laughed at him and said he would never be able to play the game he loved again. When he decided that he could be a great manager if given the opportunity, people told him the only thing he could manage was a steroids cycle.

So what does Jose go out and do? Well, he doesn't become just a player. And he doesn't become just a manager. Yep, Jose Canseco is the player-manager of the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League. To top it off, he found the most trustworthy bench coach/outfielder out there when he hired his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco to help him win a championship.

Haters are going to hate, but Jose never lets them get him down. When he said he would be the first player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a single season, he did it. When he said he was going to save the game of baseball from steroids, he did it. And now, when he said he would play the game he loved again, and someday manage for a team as well, he did it. It's time to stop the Jose hatred, step back, and applaud the man for persevering against all odds.

Congratulations Jose. Now only one question remains. Will a Major League Baseball team try to sign him as a player or a manager first? I think they'd be wise to kill two birds with one Jose.


P.S. One person who would never be dumb enough to doubt Jose Canseco is also a man who has better poems than Shakespeare. Yes, here is another amazing video from The Genius:

Monday, April 11, 2011

Jenkem: A Shitty High

I am absolutely fascinated at the lengths that people will go to just to get messed up. I really thought that i-Dosing would be the weirdest thing way that people were getting high, but Jenkem takes a shit on that idea. During a fantasy baseball e-mail exchange, a friend notified me of this new huffing phenomenon that was able to get people high. They have moved past huffing glue, paint, or Pam, and have moved onto something much more vile.

Jenkem, or as the kids are calling it, butt hash, is the act of mixing urine and fecal matter into a bottle. You then put a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait. When the gas fills up the balloon, you carefully remove it from the bottle and huff the gas giving you a pooptastic high that is similar to cocaine with hallucinations. Jenkem sounds like the shit.

Fox News, always reliable, reported this story:

I know what you're thinking: Who would huff their own poop? As much as I wish I could tell you differently, the answer is apparently very few people. A New Zealand news report proves it as a myth, although some idiot teenagers did try it after seeing the news report, because teenagers are dumb and easily influenced.

Although the fact that this is a myth is very disappointing, you can still show your friends the Fox News report and try to trick them into trying it. They probably won't get high, but I'm assuming you'll see some hilarious projective vomit.


P.S. Although Jenkem is a myth, Derrick Rose's greatness is not. Here is an excellent story about Derrick Rose growing up.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Derrick Rose Is Definitely The Most Exciting Player In The NBA

About six weeks ago, I wrote an article explaining why Derrick Rose was a more exciting player than Blake Griffin. I am happy to say that Derrick Rose left no doubt in anyone's mind after what he did to the Boston Celtics last night to just about lock up the number one seed for the Bulls.

There isn't a whole lot I need to say about the matter, so let's just show a couple of his "Holy Shit" moments from last night's game.

Yep, just a casual crossover move that makes Rondo look like an idiot, and then going up between two big men and putting in a scoop layup. Just ho-hum stuff from the MVP (I don't care about your silly statistics) of the league.  Just look how happy it made Tom Thibodeau.
And then he did this.

Yep, he really did that. This was Joakim Noah's reaction to the play.
And on top of all of this, he decimated Rajon Rondo. Anybody can look at the stat sheet and see that, but to actually watch the game brings it to another level of domination. Rajon Rondo was not bested in basketball last night by a better player, he was annihilated as a person by a superior human being. The look on his face made it look as if his sister, mother, and grandma had just propositioned Derrick Rose for a foursome (Rose would obviously turn them down since they look like aliens). The massacre that Rose did to Rondo made Mortal Kombat look like The Teletubbies.

With all of this, it's scary to think that the Bulls really didn't play up to their full potential. Rose, the shooting guard trifecta, and Deng played great games, but Boozer was awful in the first half before bouncing back in the second half, and Noah was a non-factor for the most part (to be fair, it's clear that his ankle could use a little more time to rest).

So yeah, for Bulls fans, these playoffs are going to be fun.


P.S. Don't ask me how I found this, and don't ask me what I think. I honestly can't tell if this show is genius or absolute garbage. Hence, it gets posted on the blog.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Most Underrated Quarterback In The 2011 NFL Draft

Although I said I was going to write this last week, some things happened, and this post got delayed a week, but that only makes it stronger as the most underrated quarterback in the 2011 NFL Draft finally had his pro day to impress the scouts.  Scouts from all 32 teams went to this workout, if you subtract 31 teams from that number. But at least the Seahawks showed up. That's right, the guy I see as horribly underrated is a National Champion Quarterback, from The University of Alabama, G-Mac, Greg McElroy.
Greg McElroy has gotten the most pre-draft for hype for something that had nothing to do with slinging the pigskin as it was reported that he got a 48 (since changed to a 43) on the Wonderlic. Does this make him a better quarterback prospect? Not in my opinion. The Wonderlic is issued because it is supposed to measure how well a person can process information. I tmight be successful in that, but figuring out when a train will reach Chicago is quite a bit different than figuring out who to throw it to when faced with a zone blitz. I don't care if any quarterback is a genius, he'll never be The Genius.

Since no quarterback could ever be The Genius, let's focus on what they can be. Greg McElroy led Alabama to a national championship in 2009 (technically, they won the title in 2010, but the years will refer to the season that they played their regular season games in). Yes, he had a ton of talent around him, but when they needed him to make a play, he was able to do it. He threw 17 touchdowns, six interceptions, while completing 60.6% of his passes. That's a good year. It's not great, but it was enough to win a national title, so it'd be awfully hard to complain about it.

Even though 2010 did not lead to a national title, McElroy was definitely not the problem. He threw 19 touchdowns, five interceptions, improved his completion percentage to 70.6 while throwing for over 50 yards more per game. He improved in every single way. Somehow, nobody has any interest in this. I understand that it is unwise to take stats at face value, but I do think that you can use them to judge improvement, and it is clear that McElroy improved greatly from 2009 to 2010.

But in projecting to the next level, it doesn't matter how good of a college quarterback he was, it matters how good of a pro quarteback he can be. The stats show that he threw accurately and didn't hurt his team with mistakes, but not much else. The biggest question with McElroy is his arm strength. He doesn't have Jake Locker's arm strength, and he never will, but I do think that it is underrated by most. When I watched him play this season, I thought he put good zip on the ball on outs and slants. His deep ball has a little flutter on it, but it's not bad, and he puts enough drive on the football to make defenses pay if they try to cheat up on him.

I know this is a highlight video, but if he couldn't throw the deep ball, they wouldn't be able to show this many examples of solid deep balls. I'll admit there's a few weaker ones in there, but it still shows he has the arm strength to get the ball down field at the next level (and it's the only highlight video set to music that doesn't suck).

The most impressive thing I saw from McElroy was his game against LSU. That is when he went up against the best cornerback (and best player in my opinion) in the NCAA in Patrick Peterson. Most quarterbacks would do everything in their power to avoid throwing towards Peterson, but McElroy used his number one target, Julio Jones, and were able to attack Peterson's side of the field on more than one occasion. Jones even caught a touchdown on a slant pattern with Peterson covering. Now Julio Jones is a talented receiver, but he's not going to beat Peterson without good balls from his quarterback and McElroy delivered that.

To say that McElroy is a first round talent would be excessive, even for me. I really only see Cam Newton as a first round talent. But I think McElroy is greatly underestimated as a 6th-7th round pick. I see him as having third round talent, and I'd be jumping on him in the fourth round if I needed a quarterback, or waiting until the fifth if I already have a starter in place.

Is he ever going to be a Top-5 quarterback in the league? I highly doubt it, but he's a guy you can win with, and that's pretty damn valuable in the National Football League.


P.S. I'm really disappointed that I didn't know that you could bet on WrestleMania until after WrestleMania was over. Michael Cole had ridiculous odds.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

5 More Awful BYU Date Ideas

When I wrote my piece on BYU Students last week, I thought that I had uncovered the lamest date ideas out there.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Oh, so very wrong.  I happened to uncover even lamer date ideas, and instead of filling this intro with fluff, let's get into these sure-fire ways to get a girl to never speak to you again (and possibly get your ass kicked).

5.  Listen (Thanks, Ryan)
Not only is this the lamest idea possible, but he needed help to think of it.  In the words of Andrew Dice Clay (not sure if he actually said this, but it sounds like something he would say), "If I wanted to listen to a woman talk, I'd take my balls out of her mouth, OH!" But seriously, this isn't a date idea unless your ideal date consists of a whole lot of awkward silences.

4.  Go to a laundromat and put toys in the dryer, start it up. Then go to a corner and film people's reactions when they hear the clanging of the objects in the dryer. 
Really?  Seriously?  This is their idea of a good time?  And filming it so they can enjoy the hilarity later is beyond my comprehension.  Now I would assume you find a lot of people who try to read a book while waiting for their laundry to get done.  What the BYUers do is try to be as loud and annoying as possible for their own amusement, hence ruining a chance for someone to enjoy a good book.  BYU Students are kind of assholes.  And unless they are amused by people trying to ignore really loud noises, it's probably not going to be that great of a film.

3.  Covering the dashboard of your car with Post-It notes. Going to the car wash and opening the windows during the blow-drying stage.
God this is douchey.  I mean, this is painfully douchey.  But not only is it douchey, it sends the woman a bad message.  This is something that takes a ton of preparation, but the payoff is only a minute of fun.  Most women will assume that this will foreshadow your love-making.  They'll realize that this is a guy who can light candles and lay down the rose petals, but when it comes down to fulfilling a woman's sexual needs, she better be quick to get off, because he'll probably be done before she has time to yawn out of boredom. 

2.  Walking around with different colored Post-It notes and seeing how many people you can stick them to without them noticing.
If there's one thing I've learned from looking into the Mormon dating scene, it's that Mormons LOVE Post-it notes. Before when I thought about Post-it notes, I came up with exactly zero fun date ideas.  Mormons also come up with zero fun date ideas, but as we have learned, dating in the Mormon culture has nothing to do with fun.  This is not only an awful date idea, it's a great way to get your ass kicked.  What kind of douchebag would you have to be to not only try this, but to do it to impress a lady friend?  If I am ever on a jury for a murder where the defense was that he had no choice but to kill him after he put a post-it note on his back, I promise you that the murderer will walk free.  And I'll probably high-five him when the verdict is announced.
1.  Give each other facials.
Holy shit, that's actually an awesome idea Mormons.  I don't know how that is not against the honor code, but I say keep it quiet and go with it.  My personal favorite is to go first, and then complete the S in The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, but to each their own.  Wait...what?  They mean the other type of facial?  American Jesus damnit, that's lamer than the Post-it ideas.

Many people who watched Jimmer Fredette thought that these Mormons seemed like pretty cool people.  But this is indisputable proof that they are, in fact, very lame. So with BYU students having these harsh guidelines, what should they do to ensure a great date?  Just remember this rhyme:
When you see a girl, and you want to poke it; get some privacy, it's time to soak it.


P.S. Although this has nothing to do with Mormons, this is an awesome website that is long overdue: What the F*** is Michael Jordan Wearing?

Monday, April 4, 2011

A Comprehensive Breakdown Of The Katie Vick Saga

Professional wrestling has done many regrettable things in its past. Last night's WrestleMania XXVII was just one of those examples, but I'd like to go further back in time to examine a storyline that most people found offensive, and that my friends and I found hilarious.  That's right, it's time to thoroughly examine the Katie Vick saga.

This wrestling saga primarily involves the aforementioned Katie Vick, Kane, and Triple H. This whole thing started, because Kane was happy.  That's it. It wasn't because Kane did some awful thing to Triple H. It was just that he was happy. Triple H felt that Kane's happiness left him no choice but to do this on Monday Night Raw.

Yes, Triple H decided to attack his tag team partner, The Hurricane, and then reveal to the world that Kane was a murderer as he killed Katie Vick, all because Kane was happy. This would basically be like me finding out somebody got a promotion and stabbing his wife. There's no good reason for it, but Triple H plays by his own rules. I respect that. The following week on RAW, Kane explained his side of the story:

My second favorite part of the story is that Kane and Katie Vick went to a party. Imagine Kane walking into your party. How did people react? What did they say? Do you think they made Katie pay for a cup or just gave one to her for free? I really wish they'd revisit this, so these questions could be answered. My favorite part of the story is obviously that Kane crashed because he was unfamiliar with how to drive a stick shift. But anyway, Kane, a man who is known as a monster, swerved in order to avoid hitting an animal. They crashed; he broke his arm, but she was killed instantly. That video ends with Triple H saying that Kane was also drinking that night, but as ridiculous as Kane's explanation is, it gets a whole lot worse in this next video (just watch the first 3:10):

Yes, this is when the brilliance truly reaches another level. Triple H lets the world know that Kane loved Katie Vick. That wouldn't be all that bad, but the autopsy found Kane's semen inside of her. This leads to one of the greatest lines in wrestling history when Triple H asks, "Did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive...or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?"

As unbelievable as all that is, it gets more unbelievable when Triple H puts on a reenactment of Kane's love affair with Katie Vick. I don't know how to prepare the world for what they are about to see, so all I can say is to proceed with caution:

Yes, Triple H reenacts the sex scene between Kane and Katie Vick. Brilliant does not begin to describe how awesome this video is. Triple H was so dedicated to his role as Kane that he stripped down to his jockstrap to perform sex on a mannequin who played the role of Katie Vick. It ends in epic fashion with Kane screwing Katie Vick's brains out...literally.

But even this was not enough for Triple H, so he made the next logical move and decided to interview Katie Vick:

And this was AFTER Triple H retained his title at No Mercy. He literally had no reason to destroy Kane, except to ruin a happiness that Kane had long since forgotten. Still, it's a compelling interview where Triple H uses many puns with dead involved, and accuses Kane of having a burnt weiner.

But sadly, this is where our story ends.  If you're anything like me, you long for the return of one of the most offensive wrestling angles ever, so bring your Katie Vick signs to WWE events to let them know that you want her back. I mean, if The Undertaker can be buried alive every other year, I'm pretty sure they can bring Katie Vick back from the dead once.


P.S. Jose Canseco wants to become a baseball manager, have his twin brother, Ozzie, become the hitting coach...oh yeah, and he wants them to become the #3 and #4 hitters in the lineup.  To top it off, he believes this can all happen with the power of prayer.  Sorry Japan, God's got bigger things to work on.

P.P.S. You have probably seen this play by Derrick Rose, but that still doesn't make it any less amazing.