Everything You Need To Know About The Movie "Syrup"

On my way back from my honeymoon, I had an 8 hour flight back to the good ol' USA. This led to me having a lot of free time, so I saw what Aer Lingus would provide for entertainment. It was awful. After watching the one episode of Dog with a Blog they had, I decided to give the movie Syrup a try. This would not be a good decision.

The movie is about marketing, so everybody comes up with names to help market themselves because before you market a product, you have to market yourself. I swear to God I am not lying about any of these names/reasoning behind these names.

First off, there is the roommate of the main character, and his brilliant name to market himself, that will blow the doors off the world, is...Pete. Pete doesn't need a great name, because Pete never says anything. Never speaks; that's his thing. Some refer to him as Sneaky Pete, but we'll get into that later.

Next is our main lady, and her name is Six. Her name is Six, because it sounds like Sex. So dudes get boners when they think of her name. When I was a horny teenager, I used to count, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and then I would just pre my pants. It's impossible to not equate it to sex.

Another lady starts working, and her name is Three. Three is half of six, and that really pisses Six off. Apparently the smaller number is better? If I become a douchey marketing person, my name will definitely just be Decimal.

By the way, they did an excellent job of casting the ladies in this movie. Six was the main girl from Never Back Down, which was hilariously bad. And Three is the main gal from John Tucker Must Die, which was hilariously awesome. 

Why have I not brought up the main character yet? Oh, because his name is the best. And by best, I mean the worst. And by worst, I mean, I would have trouble trying to come up with a worse name that is not blatantly racist. Our main character's name is, drumroll please...Scat. Yes, Scat, like the shit porn. Because making people think of shit porn is a great way to market yourself. What really angered me is that there is one way to make it worthwhile, and they never mentioned it. "My friends call me Scat, because I'm the shit." Nope, they never used that line.

Luckily, Scat has this brilliant idea. He is got the perfect marketing campaign for an energy drink. He doesn't have a flavor or really know anything about energy drinks, but that doesn't matter. His brilliant idea? Call the drink Fukk. Yep, that's his stupid ass idea. Luckily, Six loves it, because they are apparently both mildly retarded teenagers despite being in adult bodies, so he is going to become very rich off of it.

He then has his “great” idea stolen by his roommate, Pete, because he apparently went to the copyright office before Scat thought of that idea. This leads to Pete getting hired and eventually taking Six's job...by never saying a word. Now you should understand why he is called Sneaky Pete.

Although Six gets demoted, she still has a job there, and she needs to come up with a great ad campaign. Luckily, a vending machine falls on Scat, and he suffers no injuries, but they do get a great idea for an ad campaign. They show an animation of kids having vending machines falling on them, with the tag line, "What would you do for a fukk?" Surely, it can't get worse, right? Haha, oh, it's getting way worse, because they also decided to hire a spokesperson. Now if you were going to sell sex in an ad, the woman you would hire would probably be in their 20s, right? This woman isn't in here 20s. She isn't in her 30s. She isn't in her 40s. That's right, she's in her...wait, nope, this woman is not even in her 50s. It is 62 year-old, weight rollercoaster, Kirstie Alley.

Needless to say, sales for the demographic of Grandma Fuckers went through the roof.

Unfortunately, a boy is encouraged by the ads and gets crushed by a vending machine and dies. They go to the funeral when Scat realizes that everyone who is there is an actor, and there is no dead body, because Sneaky Pete created a boy out of thin air to kill him by a vending machine to hurt Six's and Scat's ad campaign for the product that he got credit for creating. Pete says nothing and Scat gets fired, because...I don't know, maybe the heads of the company loved The Sixth Sense.

I really started to get worn down at this point, but Scat and Six join a rival firm and come up with a drink called Average Kok. It obviously becomes the biggest thing ever, and a kid really does kill himself. Scat goes on TV to talk about how awesome his ad campaign is to want someone to want a drink so badly, so he brags about the death of a child, and he's now a hero?

Without anything else happening, and I need to stress that. He goes from bragging about a child's death to a moment where Scat reveals his name as Michael to Six. Six says her name is Six, and Michael leaves her, because she is not a real person.

So why did I watch this movie? Eh, I got a half hour in, and the two females are attractive, so there’s worse things to do on a plane. Not many but still.

I really wish the plane would have had more episodes of Dog with a Blog.

Fantasy Basketball Picture

My team is The Outsiders, because I have Steve Nash and Jrue Hol(iday). Also, photoshop is for losers; MS Paint 4 Life!

ESPN makes you use images from the web, so now everyone can enjoy my art. You're welcome.

Also, here is our first promo:

Jrue Hol(iday): Hey yo. We've been takin' a little survey, and we want to know if you're with us...or against us. So who here came to see TheElevenOtherCrappyTeamsInThisLeague? (Boos with a hint of polite golf applause) And who here came to see The Outsiders? (Huge applause) Sounds like another one for the good guys.

Steve Nash: Because we are too sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

A Guide For Grooms: Find Time For Yourself

So the whole week of the wedding, there is no free time. You must constantly be working towards the wedding ceremony and reception or socializing to make a good impression, because your bride needs outside approval from everyone who is there. Finding time for yourself is incredibly difficult, so be smarter than me and come up with a plan.

Although I did not have a plan, I did luck out in finding some me time. The one thing that helped me initially is my enjoyment or running, since it is really hard for people to argue against a person staying in good shape. But running isn't all that much fun, and I couldn't go for any epic runs and feel like crap the rest of the day; otherwise, there would be problems.

Where I really lucked out was a delayed flight. Suddenly, plans to pick up multiple people meant that we would need separate trips for the people. That means I had to drive an hour to the airport to pick up a family member. This was basically the best news ever. I got an hour in a car by myself. Also, I can get there early, frame it as me being responsible, and literally just sit there, listening to the Art of Wrestling podcast. It was glorious. Plus, it gave me a reason to go out of my way to get myself a lunch that I could not normally get which added an extra bit of awesome to my day. Also, the drive back gave me some one-on-one time with my airport guest, and I can say that all of my airport guests were great conversationalists. I ended up making three trips on three different days, and it was the greatest thing that could have happened to me. I have a feeling of euphoria just looking back on it. Ah, memories.

So, grooms, even if you aren't big on fitness, volunteer for airport duty. If you’re a stupid oaf like me, you usually just get in the way of things, so it should be easy for you to convince the bride that it is a great way to stay out of the way and still be productive. Best of both worlds.

Scouting Week 9 of College Football

Oh, Jameis Winston. You're very good at football. He has great placement on his balls. He also is thinking far ahead of most college (and even some pro) quarterbacks in the way that he will throw balls to protect his receivers. He threw a crossing route behind his receiver, and it saved his receiver from getting laid out by an NC State defensive back. Still, it's really hard to do much judging of him when his team is just dominating their opponents. Maybe Miami will give him a tough game next week, but I'm kind of doubting it.

Sammy Watkins is incredibly smooth as a receiver. The one thing that stood out for Alshon Jeffrey that Watkins has is the way he attacks the ball with his hands instead of waiting for it to come to him. Jeffrey has been so good that some people view him as the Bears true #1 receiver. I'm not quite ready to go there with him, but Watkins might be Jeffrey with more athleticism. He's just an incredibly reliable target.

Tajh Boyd, on the other hand, is just fine. He greatly benefits from the weapons around him, and he seems to lack a great feel for things. Last week, he lost the ball on a corner blitz when he was naturally rolling away from that blitz. This week, he failed to handle pressure repeatedly. He loses track of what is around him when he feels pressure, and he only survives on pure athleticism, which will not work at the next level.

AJ McCarron, and everyone on Alabama, drives me crazy, because there is just so much talent on that team that they can completely outclass opponents. How much credit does McCarron deserve? As I'm typing this, Christion Jones just took an end around for five yards; unsatisfied, he completely reversed field, and ended up picking up an additional 15. McCarron places his balls really well, but his receivers get so open that he really doesn't need to rocket anything in there.

From what I've seen, I would compare him to Andy Dalton, where he has the skillset to be competent at the next level. An interesting question is whether Andy Dalton was a good pick for the Bengals. He's good enough to guide them to the playoffs with the help of the best receiver in the league, a good offensive line, and a very good defense. I'm really not sure if that's a compliment or an insult. He's not Blaine Gabbert, which is good, but is their ceiling with a guy like him at QB a loss in the divisional round of the playoffs?

Anthony Barr is baffling me. He always takes advantage of mistakes, but it seems like he only makes plays off of mistakes. He's got a great speed rush, so if the offensive line doesn't get a good kick out in their initial set, he will blow right by them. I can't tell if his speed is so great that he makes people look like they have terrible technique or if his speed just kills terrible technique. He also has a great engine, and he does just keep moving and finding a way to make plays. I could see him being a lot like Aldon Smith, who is a guy I totally whiffed on. Before the draft, I'm going to try to watch tape from both guys to see if I am missing something on prospects like this.

Marcus Mariota is one guy who I have been waiting to study. I'm still not nearly as high on him as others seem to be. The first thing that leaps out is that he is an incredible athlete. His down field throws left a lot to be desired. In the second quarter, he completed a deep out, but he under threw it and it almost gave the defensive back a play on the ball. They turned the ball over on downs when he badly overthrew a receiver in the end zone. Too often, he just tries to fire the ball in there, but he has the ability to put touch on the ball. His touchdown pass in the game was a really nice ball that he made look very easy. He does do a good job of going through his reads. He doesn't panic and does a good job of setting and throwing. Oregon has a great offense, and that makes things easy on Mariota. Right now, I see him as a rich man's Kaepernick, so he definitely has first round value. Seeing how he handles pressure will provide a better idea of how high in the first round he should go.

Brett Hundley is just not impressive. I saw major issues when I watched him against Nebraska, and I continue to have the same concerns. The good about Hundley is obvious. He's athletic, and he has good arm strength. The most brutal part of his game was a terrible throw inside the red zone that led to an easy pick from Oregon. Hundley's touchdown pass before the end of the half was a nice ball, but that is where he succeeds. It was a throw over the middle where he was able to go to his first read. He recognized the blitz and knew that if his receiver was able to break inside the cornerback that it was just going to be a pitch and catch at that point. He also doesn't have a great feel inside the pocket as sometimes he panics when it is not necessary and other times he does not notice a defender nearby. The endzone camera would help on this, but he seemed to lock into receivers at times and fail completely on going through his progressions before trying to run. He zeroes in on a guy, which gives the safety a chance to break on routes, so instead of waiting for a receiver to get open, he telegraphs it so much that the coverage can adjust to his eyes. This is the reason he got picked off at the beginning of the fourth quarter, because the man in coverage was able to break on the pass before he even threw it. I don't hate him as a prospect, but I do think he could use another year, possibly two, in college to refine his game. If he came out this year, a team would really be gambling on a lot of different things coming together for him to work out at the next level.

DeAnthony Thomas is a guy who is dangerous in space, and I think if he is utilized correctly, he can be an impact player, but he's far more Darren Sproles than Warrick Dunn. I just don't see an every down back in him, and he has to be in a system that is designed for success.

I was digging Jordan Zumwalt, as there was a drive where he was basically trying to murder everyone on Oregon. He was always around the ball, and that guy is a player.

I love Brandin Cooks. I was only able to catch the oregon State-Stanford game at the bar, but that dude is a player. Very elusive and very good routes, finds holes in the defense and is a great asset for a quarterback. 

11 Thoughts on Iowa vs. Northwestern

1. I'm going into this game with high hopes, and if there is one thing Northwestern is known for, it is destroying Iowa's hopes with stupid luck and chicanery.

2. I love when Iowa plays at a fast pace, because it is unlike anything any other team does. They don't spread teams out; they keep things even tighter and just pound the ball to help set up their play action. It is aesthetically pleasing for somebody who loves watching a good run game.

3. Rudock is very good at running the sneak. If they don't stack the middle, he shoots in right behind his center. If they do stack the middle, he just takes his time and goes behind his guard or tackle depending on where he can find some space. A guy like Cam Newton will always be great at sneaks with his athleticism and leg power, but being patient works for less athletic quarterbacks. Tom Brady is an excellent example of this, but I promise this will be the only Brady/Rudock comparison I make today.

4. Iowa used James Morris as a spy this week, which is a way better use of a fourth rusher considering the lack of rush they have been able to generate with their defensive line. Learning lessons from last week is a very positive step forward. It also doesn't hurt that he made a great play on a delayed rush with a sack on Colter.

5. Northwestern showed that although Iowa can handle power running, speed running with misdirection can pick up yardage, especially if the quarterback is a key part of the running game.

6. It is very tough for me to be critical of Iowa's strategies, because it's never poor; it's just often not good enough. That is why it seems as though any time an offense gets a penalty, they can never recover to get that first down. Teams can get ten yards on Iowa, but they'd shut teams down if they changed the rules to go 12 yards.

7. Meyer missed the kick against Northwestern, because these things always happen against Northwestern. He never had a chance.

8. I am glad that even Kirk pointed out that Rudock made the right call on his interception at the end of the game. Trying to thread the needle there is well worth the risk, as an interception did not put Iowa in any danger, and if he is able to complete it, they are set up to try a field goal as time expires in regulation. It's a situation where stats can be deceiving.

9. The touchdown pass to Fiedorowicz was a well designed play. In man coverage, you know the man in coverage has to protect on inside breaking routes, so all he had to do was loft it out there  and count on his tight end having a step on his man.

10. Desmond King makes plays. I am super excited about his future, as he may be the first cornerback since Jovon Johnson who will get crunk on the field.

11. 5-3 is very solid. This team plays everybody tough, and nobody is claiming that Ferentz should be fired. It's a good time to be a Hawkeye.

Please Start Watching NXT

Please start watching NXT. You can watch it for free on Hulu. I notice the episodes on Thursday mornings, but maybe they come out earlier than that. NXT is the best show the WWE produces. It is made up of wrestlers you have likely never seen before (unless you actually like independent wrestling, which very few people are aware of), and it has appearances by guys on WWE's main roster. It's awesome. The storylines make sense, and the matches are way better than Raw (excluding matches from The Shield, Ziggler, Cesaro, Daniel Bryan, and honestly, Randy Orton lately). I can't tell enough people about Antonio Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn in a 2 out of 3 falls match from a couple months ago. Click on this, go to right after the second to last commercial break (it's about 19 minutes left) and watch the match of the year. Seriously, the only that isn't awesome about this match is Alex Riley on commentary. Sami Zayn has followed this up by having awesome matches with Jack Swagger, El Local, and Bo Dallas. If you start watching NXT, Sami Zayn will become one of your five favorite wrestlers.

Outside of Sami Zayn matches, which are all awesome, the other best thing about NXT is Bo Dallas. That's right; I'm a Boliever. This is one of the greatest gimmick alterations the WWE has ever performed. Bo Dallas was basically John Cena where he was a good guy who was always positive and people despised him for it. The beauty of NXT is it is almost entirely made of the snarky WWE fans (I am one of these people). What Bo Dallas initially did was try to ignore things, but now he has become a delusional character who hears boos as "Bos," and basically everything he says now is brilliant. He is now the guy that everybody wants to punch in the face, and I love him for it.

The worst thing in the WWE is CJ Parker. He is a hippie who doesn't quite understand how to be a hippie and snaps in and out of character with no rhyme or reason. But that's the beauty of NXT, everyone that you feel should be hated is actually hated. Everything about CJ Parker is geared to get a positive reaction, but everyone who goes to NXT shows hates CJ Parker.

He's feuding with Tyler Breeze, who is Wrestling Zoolander. I see I have piqued your interests. Enjoy this video:

Yeah, he constantly takes selfies, and he's just a really fun character. He also beats CJ Parker all the time which is also very enjoyable.

Speaking of ridiculous things that make me happy, Enzo Amore and Big Cass are also fantastic. I am working on memorizing this speech for every job interview that I have:


This is one of my favorite promos of the year:

I cannot wait to tell somebody that they don't eat hard tacos, because they are S-A-W-F-T SAWFT!

And there is also Renee Young who has started showing up on the big shows but is even more wonderful on NXT. She does commentary occasionally and the only one who can keep up with her is William Regal. She could easily be to wrestling what Doris Burke is to basketball, which makes her the opposite of what Pam Ward is to college football. Also, she's pretty easy on the eyes as well.

I could easily keep going on this, but I really want people to start sharing in my love of NXT. Right now, all I have are the weekly recaps from Brandon Stroud on Uproxx (which are excellent). So please start watching, and I will gladly share thoughts on Aden English, Alexander Rusev, Kassius Ohno, Mojo Rawley (Stay Hype), and anybody else.

NXT is the best. Please start watching it.

A Guide For Grooms: Writing Vows

Now let me just start by saying that this is an area where I wish I could have had back. My vows were solid, but I did not follow these rules since I didn't know about them until it was too late. Still, I learned from my mistakes and am passing on my wisdom to you.

1. Write it well in advance.
You are going to get busy, and you are not going to want to/have time to sit down and write proper vows. This is where I messed up. I kept thinking I would have some time to get it done but stuff really piles up that week. I just kept putting it off, and then finally did it about 45 minutes before the ceremony was about to start. Now I'm a solid writer, so they turned out well, but they could have been better. Do not make the same mistake I did.

2. Keep it short.
Mine was probably about a minute, but I hit the key points, made sure to take her cocky ass down a peg but was nice enough where she wasn't going to call the whole thing off.

3. Make it sincere.
Even if you are a shithead like me, you should still make it sincere. You're only going to do this once (fingers crossed), so you should do it right. A real key to these weddings is that this is not your special day.

4. You can add humor, but make it appropriate.
If you're not using humor, this should be easy for most people, but adding it in with sincerity is tough, because many don't talk like a lovey dovey smoochie smooch when with their lady. I am definitely one of these people. Honestly, most of my private conversations with her make us both look borderline retarded, but we fit well with each other. Like I said, I was able to take her down a peg, but it was still 90% complimentary.

5. Memorize it, but be prepared.
You should take the time to memorize your vows. It will look way more baller, and maybe people will think you're just super romantic and these words are coming straight from your heart. With that being said, be prepared for the possibility that you will get nervous and forget everything. Pack a notecard, and hopefully you won't have to use it. Since I'm an idiot and wrote mine 45 minutes beforehand, I definitely needed my notes, but I just used simple notes so I could still talk to her. Still, it is a nerve-racking day, so remember to go slow and actually think about the words you are saying.

As I said, this is one area where I definitely could have improved, but I hope you can learn from my mistakes. Oh, also, if you are looking for a great quote to use, my bride used, "Life's cutthroat, not love boat," and there is not a situation where that quote is not awesome.

Suits Power Rankings - Stay

Okay, so here's the story: The last Suits was during the week leading up to my wedding. I snuck in a late night viewing of the episode and took notes. But I never actually formed my notes into meaningful sentences. Now it's six weeks later, and I have a lot of things that make no sense. Still, maybe you can make sense of these ramblings. I tried to rank people, but it was based on very limited information. For the previous week's coherent rankings, click here. Now onto the ramblings:

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is using his main squeeze to find top notch candidates, but seeing himself in his LARP gear gets him all boned up. Still, a 77 minute break is long enough, he's got to get to work. Louis slays so much tang that he doesn't even realize when ladies fall in love. Then Louis finds out that Mike Ross never went to Harvard. CLIFFHANGER!

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey is trying to do the right thing, but he is also trying to help out Scotty. He hates Tanner, so he gives him a good zinger about never winning against him. Harvey loves zingers, both the quick wit ones and the delicious Hostess treats. Harvey also finds out that Scotty was engaged while he was giving her the business. Whoopsies. He's a smooth talkin' son of a gun. That's how he not only wins over Ava to win the case, but he also wins Scotty's heart without ever telling her that he loved her. All he had to say is, "I want you in my life." I have Facebook friends that I haven't said a word to in years that are technically in my life. Don't hate the game.

3. Jessica Pearson - She knows they have no chance to win against Ava Hessington's lawsuit. But she is also involving herself in Mike and Rachel's relationship, because A) she loves office gossip, and B) She realizes that Mike sharing his secret with Robert Zane's daughter could bury her firm, and that shit don't fly with her.

4. Dana Scott - Scotty gets Harvey to help her out on the Ava Hessington case. She also isn't going to take any shit from Tanner.

5. Sheila Sass - Created an app to help Louis find the best candidates, but that's just so she can get the business. She didn't get a kiss goodbye from him, so she decided to break Louis. Then they make up and make love.

6. Mike Ross - Mike is very broken up about Rachel thinking about Stanford. Mike goes to Harvey for love advice, but luckily ignores everything he hears.

7. Rachel Zane - Rachel needs to spread her wings.

8. Donna Paulsen - Gives up the goods on Mike and Rachel's relationship to Jessica. What a boner. Then she makes up for it by tricking Huntley into confessing to his lies.

9. Ava Hessington - Ava is going after Harvey with full force.

10. Stephen Huntley - Signed an affidavit to bury Scotty. He's lying, but the guy is up for murder, so lying is the least of his worries. He fell for some Franklin and Bash shenanigans, because everyone is the worst lawyer ever.

11. Travis Tanner - Tanner is back on the case to try to beat Harvey. Tanner is the king of gossip, so he knows everybody's business. Tanner gives ladies a special drink to try to get them to turn on old flames. It never works, but it's his go-to. 

Jadeveon Clowney is Still a Beast

Jadeveon Clowney is still a beast. I know his stats have not shown that. Honestly, even the tape can fool people. Teams have watched tape, and they have found what Clowney’s weaknesses are, and they have done an excellent job of exploiting that.

This is where people get confused. Technique is the most underrated aspect in football. In football, how you get the job done really is far more important than getting the job done in predicting future performance.

People forget how young Clowney is. He was a rotational piece during his Freshman year, and he was still figuring things out last year in his first year as a full-time starter. As the season progressed, he got better and better. As he was getting better, coaches had limited time to prepare for him and limited resources to do it. Now, coaches had a full offseason, and every offensive line that is on South Carolina’s schedule spent more time studying Clowney than any other defensive player they would see the rest of the season. Honestly, many teams probably spent more time on Clowney than they spent on the rest of the SC defense. And no player is perfect, so they have found ways to neutralize his impact. SC has lost a lot of talent these past couple years, and the rest of the team is not making opponents pay for focusing on Clowney.

But this guy is still the best. A great example is how Ndamukong Suh dominated in his rookie year of the NFL, and his next year was not nearly as good. Suh didn’t get soft or lazy; he just did the same things that had always worked for him before. NFL teams adapted, and it hurt Suh’s performance. They were able to focus on stopping Suh and take their chances with the guys around him. Now that Detroit has more talent around him, teams can no longer completely focus on Suh, and he is once again seen as one of the most dominant defensive linemen in the entire league.

Any defensive player's impact can be neutralized by an offense's gameplan. Darrelle Revis has never led the league in interceptions, but that's because teams don't throw at him. Whenever you see a player have a great sack season, there is almost always another guy who has a very good sack season on that team. Anthony Spencer with DeMarcus Ware, Brooks Reed with JJ Watt, Justin and Osi with JPP and Strahan. They need those other guys in order to put up historical numbers. Right now, Clowney is so much better than his teammates that teams would rather take chances on the other 10 guys on the field, and it's really tough to put up stats if that's the case.

I always want to look at a player’s best plays, because it lets you look at the ceiling of a player. There is no defensive player with a higher ceiling than Clowney. That hasn’t changed, and that is the type of thing I want to acquire if I’m an NFL team.