Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - Unfinished Business

Last week, Harvey and Mike got back together, and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Will they or won't they? They won't; Harvey is out of Mike's league, even moreso than Rachel. Still, they teased about a new hotshot British lawyer coming in and dominating Harvey, so all I will be thinking throughout this entire episode is, "America: Love it or leave it." For last week's rankings, click here, but now onto this week.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey gets Louis's help on Hessington Oil. He thinks that Ava is a murderer, but that doesn't matter, because all he cares about is winning. Harvey is able to negotiate $1 in bail for Ava. Of course he dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1998, her best year. He then buddies up with the new hotshot from England, because Harvey can benefit from his presence. Harvey rips Katrina a new one, because she made a funny video. This is the proper reaction, because making stupid videos is not a valuable use of company time. He has to keep her around for now, because of their deal, but she has made her a worthless cog in a machine. He wins the case with Ava despite him thinking that she was guilty. He then tells Mike of his master plan to take over the firm. Overall, everything's coming up Specter right now.

2. Stephen Huntley - He is Darby's fixer, and he's trying to merge the two sides culturally. He was a pathetic loser who dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1999. Then he finally tells Harvey that he is actually in town to help him take over the firm from Jessica. This disarms both Harvey and me, as my patriotism takes a back seat to just plain liking the guy. He then helps Harvey win back Ava, because he is just there to help. He macks on Donna by driving fancy cars and talking about theater, and his seduction skills, much like his lawyering, is on point.

3. Ava Hessington - She is recruiting Harvey to be number two, but those plans have to be put on hold while she gets charged for murder. She then wants Harvey to bribe people, because this woman solves all of her problems with bribes. I want to stand in front of her on the sidewalk; she will probably give me $10,000 just to move. But seriously, this lady is obsessed with whether people think she is a murderer, as she asks everybody repeatedly, even though everybody responds that it does not matter. Still, she gets away with murder, literally, so props to her for that.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna forgives Rachel. Then she gets the hots for Huntley and found out he has a suite for a month, so she'll have a proper place to shag him. She acts tough on the outside, but she is feeling juicy on her insides. Nothing wrong with a lady getting herself some. Good for you, Donna.

5. Harold (Jakowski) Gunderson - His last name used to be Jakowski, but Mike now calls him Harold Gunderson. Did he get gay married? Did he get married to a lady and take her name? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Anyway, he helped set a murderer free by going behind his boss's back. That was a baller move. Still, we didn't actually get to see him. Come back, Harold.

6. Mike Ross - Mike grills Ava, and she does not like it one bit. Mike really just wants to be loved by his boss. Mike gets some good info on Cameron that gets Ava a chance at bail. Katrina made a funny video about him, and he responds by trying to photoshop a bad picture of her. That is what really killed him in these rankings, because he was incredibly strong in every other aspect of this episode. When he's not working with Adobe, he does find a way for Ava to legally bribe people, and they win the case thanks to that and calling in a favor to Harold.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Does a masterful comparison between non-dairy creamer and Mike, because they both try to be real but are in fact fake. Louis goes to origami festivals and wants an associate to be his mentee and share those wonderful moments with. He picks Katrina, because of the funny video she sent. That is a big downgrade for him.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel uses jokes to win back Donna, and she also smooths things over between Donna and Mike. She was involved in the photoshop fiasco, because she used a fake profile to become friends with Katrina and find a bad picture of her. Congratulations, you dodo.

9. Jessica Pearson - She messed up by insisting that Harvey take the deal, so it is pretty much her fault that Ava is charged by murder. Then she needs Harvey to look into Stephen, and he does but does not tell her the truth. She acts cocky about never losing a client, but she is currently getting played like a fiddle.

10. Cameron Dennis - Charges Ava with murder. This means that he totally owned Harvey throughout this entire case, because he set them up and it worked perfectly. He also stalks Harvey as he seems to find him anytime he has a meal at a restaurant. Finally, Harvey will win the case with bribes that Cameron can do nothing about, so it appears that he is finally done and has officially lost to Harvey. Cameron let someone get away with murder, and he is still not the lowest person on this list. That honor goes to...

11. Katrina Bennett - Katrina tries to help out Louis, but Louis shoots her down immediately. So then she tries to bring her information to Harvey, but Mike and Donna catch her and make her get the hell out of everyone's business. Poor Kat; she just wants to be accepted by the firm. When Mike won't accept her, she sends a funny video of him to the entire office. Yes, she seriously did that. Like, I am not joking, this really happened. She then uses this stupid video to become Louis's best bud, and this plan works. Ugh, she is basically The Miz, only in Suits form. Katrina is now the worst. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - I Want You To Want Me

Things are heating up over at Pearson Darby. So hot, in fact, that Edward Darby spent the entire week in England, making love to the stable boy. But hey, I got no beef with a man getting his, it just won't be enough to get him on the Suits Power Rankings. Is Harold back? Not yet, but it was still a very strong episode with sports references and a new number one. For last week's rankings, click here.

1. Mike Ross - Mike was really working hard to get a hug from Rachel. The man made up a fake dead dog. It makes me wonder what lengths this man is willing to go to for sex. I wouldn't be surprised if he hired a hobo to kill off a cousin to get some sexual healing. He helps out Louis on an Imminent Domain case but those cases are impossible to win. They tried to use Moneyball to win the case (obligatory sports reference), but Mike forgot that the A's never won the World Series, so they lose their case. But then they get the judge to open up the case for no real reason and they don't even need to go to court to win it. People on Suits never go to court to do their real lawyering. As someone with a Harvard Law t-shirt, I can vouch that this is how the big dogs do it. Oh yeah, and Mike also gets naked with Louis instead of getting naked with Rachel. So how the hell is he in the number one spot? Well, he seduced Louis, only to break his heart to get back with his love, Harvey. And on top of that, he put Rachel in her place by telling her that her opinion means nothing to him, he just wants bang bang bang.

Change Annie's name to Rachel, and you have their whole relationship.

2. Harvey Specter - Planning a coup by trying to take Jessica's spot. It looks like he's getting handled by Cameron, so Jessica helps him out on the case and tries to extend an olive branch. But he realizes that Cameron set him up so that Ava would bribe Nick. Luckily, he is going to go and convince Nick, even though they can't find him. Harvey luckily finds him in five minutes and in 30 seconds is able to convince him not to sell out Ava. Unfortunately, Cameron found him later, and reconvinced him. Still, the power team of Jessica and Harvey gets the plea settlement that they wanted. Unfortunately, Cameron works it out to have Ava plead guilty, meaning that Harvey does not get the victory. Without the victory, it seems as though there will be no coup. This was a mighty fall from last week, but he did come to his senses and bring back Mike as his protege, so the band is back together, and he can at least stay at the two spot.

3. Cameron Dennis - He sees himself as nothing more than just a fella trying to put away bad guys. He was always working three steps ahead of the game, but Harvey is always four steps ahead of the game, meaning he was still one step behind. He won the case on a technicality, but a win's a win and beating Harvey in a case, no matter how it's done, deserves credit.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Gives a moving speech about how great of friends he and the associates were. He got his own associate, and he wants Mike Ross. Louis got after a lady with four nipples. Takes Mike out to have the best steak of his life. Louis flashes Mike, so maybe instead of wanting him as his associate in the office, he wanted him to be his associate in life. He even makes some late night visits to charm him. Finally, it looks like Louis is going to get the object of his desire (as well as the number one spot on these rankings), as him and Mike like the same chick flicks, but Harvey swoops in at the last second and high-fives Mike back onto his side. He throws his cake into the trash, which is actually a wise decision, because if not, he definitely would have ate away his depression which would not make him an attractive mentor for his potential protege.

5. Rachel Zane - Constantly turns down Mike for sex at the office. Then she found out that Harvey got Mike to withhold the truth from her. She straight up goes no mercy on Donna by telling her that she has no life. That was her real power move of the episode. She loses points for the end when she gives Mike a choice on whether he wants her advice or he wants sex. Uh, yeah, not exactly a hard (no pun intended) decision. Ladies, when the option is sex or...the answer is always sex. You could save yourself time by just offering sex with no alternative.

6. Jessica Pearson - Jessica had no clue, but she was literally helping Harvey win her job by helping him on the case. Then she tries to make amends on the roof, but Harvey will still not forgive her. She did some snazzy lawyering, but with everybody working behind her back, it's hard to put her up higher on these rankings.

7. Ava Hessington - Was caught on camera giving out a bribe. Then got betrayed by her protege. She won by paying out $50 million and admitting guilt, so, um, I guess, congratulations? 

8. Donna Paulsen - Puts Rachel in her place for asking her to make Harvey love Mike again. She was all like "Helllllll Nawwwwww," and Rachel was super sad. Then she breaks the news that she didn't think that Rachel and Mike should be together. This does not make Rachel sad, this made Rachel angry, and she made Donna feel like her life was a waste, because she was an old broad with no life. That is no way to make your way to the top of the rankings.

9. Nick - Selling out Ava to save his own ass. Luckily he is easily convinced to make 180 degree turns, and Harvey turns his 180 into a 360 to put him back on Ava's side, but Cameron made him do another 180, so now he pulled off a 540. If he could do that on a dunk, it'd be impressive, but in his twisted world, he lost his sweet job where he was #2 in a company that pays out $50 million like it's spare change, so yeah, I would say he is the big loser this week. Hopefully she hires Harold to be her new #2. That man knows something about loyalty.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - The Arrangement

Suits is back, ya'll. And this has me very excited. Suits is a strangely addicting show, and I have become more and more in love with it. It used to trail Franklin and Bash as the best lawyer show on TV, but it has not only surpassed it, it has now blown it out of the water (ocean water, not hot tub water). So when we last left, Pearson Hardman was merging with some British lawyer mill, Harvey was pissed, and Mike admitted to Rachel that he was a fraud, but then he started making sweet, sweet love to her (Note: It is much more effective to lie about being a lawyer than telling the truth about not being a lawyer when trying to pick up women in a bar atmosphere, but props to Mike for using a little reverse psychology).

These rankings used to be just for lawyers. Then they expanded to include one non-lawyer, and because of the success of these rankings, I will show my power by expanding again by including all people in these rankings. Let's face it, Rachel is close to being a lawyer, and Donna could be one if she just one day decided to pull a Mike Ross. Power to the ladies, ya'll. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey closes Deron Williams deal in the most ridiculous way ever. HE ASKED FOR TRIPLE? There is a max salary in the NBA. That means the Nets offered somewhere around $6 million, and Williams was going to take it had Harvey not stepped in to get him max money. Sadly, I will be getting into this storyline four more times before these rankings are finished. He charmed the crap out of Scotty and got her to help him out. Harvey then puts Mike into his place by teaching him about loyalty. He even has Donna basically repeat the loyalty speech just in case his voice was a few too octaves low for Mike to understand. Harvey does a lot of backhanded things to every single person around him, but damn if everybody doesn't love the guy. Harvey takes the Ava Hessington case, but only if it gets him out of his non-compete clause. Psych. He is actually using it to take over Jessica's spot as managing partner.

2. Mike Ross - Mike Ross dreams of Rachel, but it is of her exposing him. I also have dreams of Rachel, but it is usually of both of us exposing ourselves, and I am always saddened to wake from it. Mike Ross lied, cheated, and stole his way to the top, and now he's got his own fancy office. This is indisputable proof that Eddie Guerrero would have been the best lawyer ever. He framed poor Benjamin from IT, but it did get him what he wants so he could help out Harvey and win his friendship back. Still, Mike Ross came back strong and seduced Rachel while holding onto his job, so win-win for him.

3. Edward Darby - He also has 51% of Pearson Darby, and he's going to use that to overpower Jessica at every chance he gets. I am not sure whether he does the same thing in relationships, because the man has the proper base to be a very effective power bottom. He is also making a deal with Harvey where he gets Harvey's best work on a case that he cares about and really doesn't care if Harvey is Managing Partner instead of Jessica, because Darby will still have 51%.

4. Richard Jensen - One of the best District Attorneys around. He's a buddy of Harvey's since the old days and makes a good point about bonds being strong enough to survive a simple no. But he only said that, because he's trying to break Hessington's oil company to get more money for his campaign from their number one competitor. Then he puts Cameron on the case to muck up everything while he remains squeaky clean. Classic politician move.

5. Barbara L. Tottingham - Nigel Alexander Nesbitt used a fake name to destroy Louis. First he took away his pens, then his bran bars, and finally, his beloved associates. Louis deserves all of this, but damnit, if my patriotism doesn't make me automatically dislike foreigners while siding with their American counterparts. I know this is ignorant on my part, but...America, god damnit.

6. Dana Scott - She gets charmed by Harvey, but she does get a first class flight to Trinidad/Tobago out of helping him out.

7. Generic Brooklyn Nets General Manager - OFFERED DERON WILLIAMS $6 MILLION A YEAR? Prokhorov is going to have your ass on that one. Still, he would have won that deal had Jessica been handling the negotiations.

8. Rachel Zane - Keeps a very tidy apartment. She wants Mike to quit his job so he can live an honest life. Then he gives her full honesty, and she gives up the goods. She was more just a pretty little thing than a strong, young female, so that is why she is so low on this list. Still very purty, though.

9. Mark Cuban - Illegally negotiating with Deron Williams during the season. That's tampering, and David Stern is not going to be happy about this.

10. Donna Paulsen - She tricked Louis into looking like Hitler. But really, it was not a strong episode for her. Her advice to Louis ended up being terrible, and Mike just ignored her when she gave her speech about loyalty and did what he already set out to do.

11. Utah Jazz General Manager - Apparently signed Deron Williams to a contract that could be terminated in the middle of the season. He must have been counting on some sort of Mormon Honor Code.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - You forgot his last name was Marlo, didn't you? I sure didn't, and that is why he will keep that name for as long as this show continues. He both started and ended this episode looking like a fool. He opened by resembling a certain German Dictator and ended it with bran bars and pens but no associates. Not a good time to have the middle name Marlo.

13. Benjamin - Oh, Benjamin. Clearly, he has never watched an action hero movie, as he was the bad guy who revealed his evil plan before executing it, and the good guy ended up destroying him because of it. He also lost part of his sandwich.

14. Jessica Pearson - She wanted Deron Williams to take $6 million a year and thought Harvey was crazy for wanting max money. That is some awfully poor lawyering, Jessica. I'm now 95% sure that Jessica handled the Andrei Kirilenko signing. She did give a pretty good pump up speech to Mike, although mentioning going to Harvard is probably not the best thing to say to a guy who lied about going to Harvard. She then gets punked out by Mike Ross where he points out Mutually Assured Destruction to her to make sure she doesn't mess with him. Also, she might be losing her job to Harvey. Yes, sadly, she had a worse time than Benjamin.

Not Ranked:
Harold - Even though he is the best.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Chris Weidman Will Beat Anderson Silva

The title says it all, but I will expand a little on my thoughts. Not only will Chris Weidman beat Anderson Silva this Saturday, it is not even going to be much of a fight. Anderson Silva is incredibly dangerous, but Weidman is literally the worst possible matchup for Silva.

1. Silva Hates Wrestlers.
We can all agree that Silva struggled the most with Chael Sonnen, especially in their first fight. Weidman is currently a better MMA wrestler than Sonnen. He dominated Mark Munoz with his wrestling, and Munoz was a NCAA National Champion. He is that good.

2. Silva's Ground Game
So Silva is facing a better wrestler than Sonnen; he's still dangerous off his back. Silva is somewhat dangerous, but his submissions are slightly overrated. He's pretty methodical in his setups, and he always tries to attack one side. Weidman not only has great submission defense, his submission offense is pretty damn impressive as well.

3. All It Takes Is One Mistake.
This is true. Silva is an incredible striker. It's amazing to watch him, but if he expects Weidman to go for a spinning back fist like it's a good idea, he's got another thing coming. In the first fight against Sonnen, he not only got dominated by wrestling, but he got oustruck by Sonnen too, because he consistently put pressure on him. Sonnen dominated the first round of the second fight against Silva, and he could have been fine had he not slipped on his spinning back fist attempt. But that's the thing with spinning back fists. They're great when they work, but they can also make people look really stupid. Expect Weidman to use more traditional striking techniques to set up his takedowns.

4. Weidman By Decision?
No. Silva is not going to last five rounds with this guy. My heart is telling me one thing, while my brain is telling me another, but I'll go with my heart and say 2nd round TKO (my brain has Silva lasting until the third). Yes, Silva's an incredible striker, but Weidman is his kryptonite. Dan Henderson could have beaten Silva had he stuck with a gameplan of taking Silva down. Sonnen was two minutes away, but he was tired and got lazy with submission defense. In the second fight, he went big and was sent home. I don't see any of those three pitfalls affecting Weidman, and that is why he is going to give Anderson Silva the beating of a lifetime.

Other UFC 162 Predictions:
Frankie Edgar over Charles Oliveira - Going with the wrestler.
Tim Kennedy over Roger Gracie - Should be able to outstrike Gracie.
Mark Munoz over Tim Boetsch - Not a big fan of either guy, but I'll continue my theme of going with the wrestler.
Cub Swanson over Dennis Siver - Cub is too dynamic in all aspects of fighting.
Andrew Craig over Chris Leben - I pretty much always pick against Leben.
Norman Parke vs. Kazuki Tokudome - I predict these two will fight. That's all I know.
Gabriel Gonzaga over Dave Herman - The UFC really hates Dave Herman, because they just keep putting him up against guys who are really tough fighters.
Edson Barboza over Rafaello Oliveira - Bad night for the Oliveiras.
Seth Baczynski over Brian Melancon - Just cuz.
Mike Pierce over David Mitchell - Mitchell saved his UFC Contract last fight; he won't be so lucky this time.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Let's Talk About the Film "The Reunion"

So the movie starts off with some spoiled rich kid trying to attain his father's love and attention. His Dad is more concerned with making money than his son, so no luck for the little guy. Still, it seems like there are way too many movies about rich kids not being able to get love from their parents. At least they have money, so the kid can find comfort in hookers and blow.

The second scene is way better as this guy is leaving jail and gets a standing ovation from all of the prisoners. Basically, he has to be the coolest dude in all of Dudelandia.

Money Making Dad gets kidnapped.

Cool Guy is brothers with Preston Meyers from Can't Hardly Wait and John Cena. Their sister is Amy Smart. Their father died, and he has $12 million to give his family, but only if they run a business together for two years.

The bros go to a strip club to get started on their new business. Then the hot stripper they question decides to have a rendezvous with Cool Guy. Nice job, Cool Guy. Unfortunately, that stripper was married to a bad guy who tries to kill Cool Guy. Cena steps in and gives him an Attitude Adjustment with a bullet to the back of the head.

They go to Mexico to find bad guys, but Cool Guy still has game down there, as some half Mexican, half American Indian lady takes a fancy to him. Some bad dude kills that girl's grandfather. This makes her join the team, so they can take down the bad guys together.

Cool Guy is a world class lovemaker, because he is acutely aware of a woman's every need. Preston Meyers is confused by lady orgasms.

John Cena starts dressing like this to remain incognito...

So these guys are trying to find Money Making Dad to try to get the reward, but MMD is not a good guy, so it does leave you rooting against them in that sense. Especially since they have $12 million coming to them as long as they start a business together. Just start a bar. They could alternate the nights they work. Even if they lost a bunch of money, they could just call Jon Taffer to come in and Bar Rescue them.

Cool Guy is also a horse whisperer, because he listens to the lady horse's vagina.

Then it turns out there was no money. Amy Smart lied to her brothers. They were mad for 30 seconds before they decided it was cool, because now they're buddies, and now they are going into business together out of love instead of money.

The End.

Conclusion: This is not a good movie, but it's also not a regrettable movie. That leaves it in the upper end of WWE movies.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Celebrity Wife Swap: Flair vs. Piper

So I watched Celebrity Wife Swap for the first time. obviously, as the title indicates, the only reason I watched it is that Ric Flair was swapping "wives" with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Something I learned is that Celebrity Wife Swap does a very poor job of making people care. Their intros and conclusions were both boring and left me wanting to change the channel. I was fully in with Piper and Flair, but this is not a show that hooks you in, because they managed to make those two seem boring with their intro. The best part of the intro was, "Ric has finally settled down with his girlfriend, Wendy." Dude's been married four times.

Piper really stole the show. The problem with Flair is that Ric Flair is always Ric Flair. Nothing anyone can say will surprise you, because it's all so predictable. Piper, on the other hand, is always great, because he's casually condescending. With Ric's wife saying she doesn't do any work, Piper just replies, "Well, isn't that nice?" He's a great human being. These following quotes are not funny quotes, but they had me laughing my ass off from Piper's delivery.

"Meatloaf is one of my's not anymore."

"I've been here 20 years, I couldn't name you a restaurant."

"Shopping's not cool."

Also, on this episode, Flair's girlfriend made Piper take the family out shopping. They somehow spent $8795.00. Without buying a car, house, or mobile home (car and house), I don't have a clue of how I could spend that much money shopping. I'd have a goddamn heart attack.

Flair's old lady also made Piper take her out on a date. Piper wore his kilt on their fancy date. This man gives zero fucks. He's the best.

Piper also has electric bagpipes, because of course he does.

Let's quickly focus on the ladies involved in this episode. Flair's girlfriend seemed like somebody obsessed with money and didn't really seem to care about much else. She did not come across well. Piper's wife just seemed like a simple person who was happy with a simple life. That sentence sounds kind of demeaning, but it is not meant to be, as she, like her husband, came across as a real human being that people can relate to. They also showed Flair's first wife, and I have no idea whether she was ever attractive. She has had A LOT of work done, and she is now in that terrifying stage of life where she has a petrifying frozen face.

Ric Flair also had some memorable moments including his one rule, "We do what I want."

Ric Flair spends $100,000 on dinner every year. He has a $300 meal every night. Once I see a meal goes over $20, I start feeling ill. Flair also spends $50,000 on a housekeeper. Needless to say, I felt like I would have much more in common with Piper than I would with Flair.

And that is the big difference between these two. This show is made for Piper, because he's a real human being who's had success but just lives off of what he needs and hasn't really let anything change who he is. He is incredibly relateable. Flair, on the other hand, is Ric Flair. He's not a person; he's a caricature, but he's having a blast doing it so more power to him. But his lifestyle isn't something that normal human beings can do. Flair is great for being a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin' wheelin' dealin' son of a gun. Piper is just great.