Reviewing My Fantasy Basketball Draft - Part 2

My annual fantasy basketball draft was held this past Tuesday, and as opposed to a free-for-all with everyone having a chance to take home a title, this is more a ceremony, almost a coronation, if you will, as I have yet again acquired a ton of basketball assets to put myself in prime position to take home another fantasy basketball championship. Since we can trade between leagues, I had an extra first and fourth round pick as well as a couple prime keepers. But, just for fun, we'll take a look at the draft, and see who has the best chance of coming in second place this year. I knocked out the first five rounds last week, so today, let's tackle rounds 6-10, with the finale coming tomorrow.

ROUND 6

61 DeMar DeRozan, Tor SG Wennington Baseline

62 Kobe Bryant, LAL SG Unleash the Dragic

63 C.J. McCollum, Por PG Duncan's Donuts

64 J.J. Redick, LAC SG Butt Stuff

65 Kyle Korver, Atl SG Kissing Cousins

66 George Hill, Ind PG Wilson Chandler Bing

67 Dirk Nowitzki, Dal PF For the love of the game

68 Jarrett Jack, Bkn PG Team Autoprick

69 Gorgui Dieng, Min C oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

70 Nikola Mirotic, Chi PF Flint Tropics

71 Danilo Gallinari, Den SF   The Outsiders

72 Ricky Rubio, Min PG The Kid From Thunder Struck

Best Pick: Dirk Nowitzki

I was pretty shocked how far Dirk fell in the draft. It’s not like he was rated super high, but it’s still Dirk Nowitzki, and he didn’t fall off that much last season. Obviously, with anyone his age, health is an issue, but if he can stay relatively healthy, it would be pretty shocking if he wasn’t a top-50 player this season.

Worst Pick: JJ Redick

I don’t know how you take Redick when Korver is still on the board. Redick has struggled with injuries, and with the Clippers increased depth, he is likely to see less minutes and shots this season. 

My Pick: Danilo Gallinari

My goal for this round was to add some shooting, and Gallinari fills that role. He was solid last year, but I think he takes a big step forward this season since he will be another year removed from his injury. The second year is the time to strike on injured players, so I really think Gallinari can be a big part of the Nuggets offense this year and have my team joining the Mile High Club. Wait, I think I just implied that my fantasy basketball team is going to have a giant orgy in an airplane. I just meant that they’ll be good; the orgy was not intended.

ROUND 7

73 Dwyane Wade, Mia SG The Kid From Thunder Struck

74 Isaiah Thomas, Bos PG   The Outsiders

75 Zach Randolph, Mem PF Flint Tropics

76 Emmanuel Mudiay, Den PG oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

77 Ryan Anderson, Nor PF Team Autoprick

78 Markieff Morris, Pho PF For the love of the game

79 Jimmy Butler, Chi SG Wilson Chandler Bing

80 Wesley Matthews, Dal SG Kissing Cousins

81 David Lee, Bos PF Butt Stuff

82 Thaddeus Young, Bkn SF Duncan's Donuts

83 Jordan Clarkson, LAL PG Unleash the Dragic

84 Trevor Ariza, Hou SF Wennington Baseline

Keepers: Isaiah Thomas and Jimmy Butler

Best Pick: Wesley Matthews

I came very close to selecting Matthews with the Gallinari pick, but he is coming off of a serious injury. Still, Wes Matthews is a guy that continues to be doubted and continues to do awesome things on a basketball court. He’ll likely start off slow, but by midway through the season, I think you’ll see the vintage Wes Matthews, just in a Mavericks jersey instead of the Blazers.

Worst Pick: David Lee

Are we sure David Lee is still good at basketball? The Celtics basically took him to swap out a completely worthless player (Sorry, Gerald Wallace). Is he beating out Olynyk and Sullinger for playing time? I don’t know what David Lee is, but I know it’s not too impressive, because he barely played last year, and his team did just fine without him. I’m not saying he’s a terrible player now, but I’m also not willing to go on the record to say he’s a good one.

My Pick: Isaiah Thomas

Isaiah Thomas was one of my keepers for this year, and I feel very good about him. He could have gone as high as the fourth round, so to get him in the seventh is a very nice value play for me. Isaiah Thomas will continue to produce good numbers, because he’s Boston’s best scoring option, so they are going to need him if they ever want to put up more than 75 points. It’s also always nice to get an NBA player who is only as tall as me, so here’s one to the little guys.

ROUND 8

85 Jahlil Okafor, Phi C Wennington Baseline

86 Robin Lopez, NY C Unleash the Dragic

87 D'Angelo Russell, LAL PG Duncan's Donuts

88 Jabari Parker, Mil SF Flint Tropics

89 Enes Kanter, OKC C Kissing Cousins

90 Marcin Gortat, Wsh C Wilson Chandler Bing

91 J.R. Smith, Cle SG For the love of the game

92 Arron Afflalo, NY SG Team Autoprick

93 Elfrid Payton, Orl PG oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

94 Julius Randle, LAL PF Flint Tropics

95 Paul George, Ind SF   The Outsiders

96 Jrue Holiday, Nor PG The Kid From Thunder Struck

Keepers: Julius Randle and Paul George

Best Pick: Jahlil Okafor

I have to say, this is a really strong round of guys that I like. I think D’Angelo Russell is getting underestimated because of a poor Summer League, but I’m also not sure how the Lakers pieces are going to fit together. I also like Jabari coming back, but I don’t know how the minutes are going to play out since they have Middleton and Giannis with a bunch of bigs. I also love Jrue Holiday, always and forever, because if he can stay healthy, even with limiting his minutes some, dude is one of the ten best point guards in the league. Still, I’ll go with Okafor, because somebody has to score for the 76ers, and I think it will likely be him. He’ll rebound well enough, but he’s not going to be great with defensive categories. Still, he has a good chance of outperforming his draft position and being a keeper for the following season.

Worst Pick: J.R. Smith

Do you want to be the guy who buys in on J.R. Smith? I don’t want to be that guy. You shouldn’t want to be that guy either. Don’t be that guy.

My Pick: Paul George

I took him in the tenth round last year strictly for this purpose. The Pacers are looking to run more this season which should mean an even greater chance for Paul George to succeed. Obviously, he had a very serious injury, but considering he made it back late last year, I don’t think it will slow him down too much this year. Obviously, George was great before the injury, but I think a lot of people are forgetting how many people were expecting him to take another step forward to join the elite of the elite before his injury. Worst case scenario, he’s great, best case scenario, he’s an absolute fantasy monster.

ROUND 9

97 Terrence Jones, Hou PF The Kid From Thunder Struck

98 Joakim Noah, Chi C   The Outsiders

99 Otto Porter Jr., Wsh SF Flint Tropics

100 Michael Carter-Williams, Mil PG oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

101 Jeremy Lin, Cha PG Team Autoprick

102 DeMarre Carroll, Tor SF For the love of the game

103 Wilson Chandler, Den SF Wilson Chandler Bing

104 Stanley Johnson, Det SF Kissing Cousins

105 Eric Gordon, Nor SG Butt Stuff

106 Trey Burke, Uta PG Duncan's Donuts

107 Rajon Rondo, Sac PG Unleash the Dragic

108 Draymond Green, GS SF Wennington Baseline

Keepers: DeMarre Carroll and Draymond Green

Best Pick: Michael Carter-Williams

I’m not a huge MCW fan, but it’s gotten to the point where people are focusing way too much on what he doesn’t do than appreciating what he does do. He’s an absolute beast defensively, and he can dish out assists. He isn’t a great shooter; that sucks, but he’s still a really good player in the right system. The Bucks knew what they were getting when they traded for him, so he is going to get a chance to do what he does best.

Worst Pick: Jeremy Lin

Jeremy Lin is fine. But he is what he is, and that’s a backup point guard. He’s nothing special, but he did play really special for a few weeks. If he’s your backup point guard, you should feel good. If you’re drafting him in fantasy, uuuuuuh, I wouldn’t feel too good about that.

My Pick: Joakim Noah

I’d like to believe this is an upside pick, but it may be a homer pick. I love Joakim. Every Bulls fan loves Joakim. Did you know that two years ago he was an MVP Candidate and actually won Defensive Player of the Year? It’s true. You can look it up and everything. He was never healthy last year, and I think increased health along with moderate minutes considering the depth the Bulls have in the frontcourt, I think Joakim will bounce back. He can fill it up in all categories, and that is ideal for what I need out of my big men.

ROUND 10

109 Roy Hibbert, LAL C Wennington Baseline

110 Kristaps Porzingis, NY PF Unleash the Dragic

111 Jusuf Nurkic*, Den C Duncan's Donuts

112 Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Det SG Butt Stuff

113 Robert Covington, Phi PF Kissing Cousins

114 Tyson Chandler, Pho C Wilson Chandler Bing

115 Danny Green, SA SG For the love of the game

116 P.J. Tucker, Pho SG Team Autoprick

117 Tony Parker, SA PG oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

118 Zach LaVine, Min PG Flint Tropics

119 Tristan Thompson, Cle PF oladipOOOOYEA YOURHOT!!!!!!

120 Deron Williams, Dal PG The Kid From Thunder Struck

Keeper: Danny Green

Best Pick: Deron Williams

Typing that makes me feel stupid. It may actually legally make me a stupid person, but I’m still not ready to totally give up on Deron Williams. Everybody wants to count out the Mavericks this year, but if they can figure out a Center, there’s no reason they can’t compete for a playoff spot with their roster. Deron Williams was a high school wrestler, and I will always stick by wrestlers, so great pick here (likely not a great pick, but if things work out, a solid pick).

Worst Pick: P.J. Tucker

I think Tucker is a solid player, but I think he is going to be less involved this season as TJ Warren takes a step forward as a huge asset for the Suns.

My Pick: No Pick

Had to give up a 10^th rounder in order to get that extra fourth. Totally worth it, though.

And that wraps up part two. Stay tuned tomorrow for the grand finale.

It Feels Good To Be An Idiot

I'm not a big fan of thinking. If I'm not doing anything, I get anxious, and I can get into my own head with simply overthinking everything in my life. I basically need to be constantly doing something for happiness. Although I prefer to be active physically, something as simple of a process as reading and writing is enough. If my brain is working, that's good, if it's thinking, that's bad.

I think that is why training in mixed martial arts has been such a good feeling for me. It's a sport based on action and reaction, and if you're thinking, you're probably losing. It's a high to get to turn off my brain for 60-90 minutes and just get after it.

Although it is a controlled violence, training in jiu jitsu and MMA is still purposely inflicting pain on whoever you're going up against. In its simplest form, it is putting a person in enough pain for them to give up and concede defeat. That is kind of animalistic, but when training, I'm never trying to hurt anyone, but I am trying to put them in a whole mess of pain, and I expect them to want to do the same.

And logically, this is all very stupid. I'm not saying people who train for fun are stupid, but I am saying that the act of training for fun is an inherently stupid activity. It is dumb to go through pain When I am training, I am an idiot. As I let my instincts take over, my brain takes a back seat, and that's good. I laugh at stupid jokes and don't really worry about anything. Through it all, I can temporarily attain an almost childlike presence of mind.

And ultimately, a person can find peace in the constant transition between offense and defense of pain. Not thinking, and just doing, doing, doing until practice is over leaves me in a state of euphoria. Letting my mind become so slow and stupid is a super pleasant experience.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying, "Thinking sucks; be an idiot instead."

National Boss Day - The Most Ridiculous Holiday Ever

Did you know that last Friday was National Boss Day? Hopefully you didn't, because that means that you avoided the most trash holiday ever invented. Now I understand that all holidays are just creations, but this one is the absolute bottom of the barrel shit-soaked holiday that anyone could ever create.

National Boss Day? Isn't every day National Boss Day? They're the goddamned boss for Christ's sake. And you know who invented this? The biggest asshole in the world. I don't know exactly what his name is, but this guy must have been a boss of people, and he must have been such a self-important shitbag that he thought there should be a day to honor his contributions. A day where, finally, the people below him would have a chance to show him how great he truly is.

Oh, christ. I just looked it up, and somehow it is even worse than I thought. A woman created National Boss Day, and her boss was her father. What an awful piece of shit. Then Hallmark got a hold of it, and the rest is history.

So do not celebrate National Boss Day. It's ridiculous and stupid, and we would all be better without it.

A Cardinals Fan, a Cubs Fan, a Red Sox Fan, and a Tigers Fan Walk Into a Bar

...they all walk in at different times, and take seats at the bar.

The Cubs, Red Sox, and Tigers fan start conversing at the bar. The Cubs/Cardinals game is on, and even though the conversation starts on baseball, the fans of their respective teams also converse on Arkansas, Michigan, and Iowa football. Laughs are shared by all, and they are the life of the party.

The Cardinals fan sits quietly on his laptop and stays away from any and all conversation. To call him a party pooper would be an insult to shit.

The three baseball fans marvel at the skills of Jake Arrieta, because even though he didn't have his best outing, he has been on an incredible run in the second half of the season.

The Cardinals fan gets incredibly bitter at the mere mention of Jake Arrieta, because Cubs fans think he's so great. Uh, yeah dude. The reason Cubs fans are like that is because he is pretty great.

The three baseball fans continue to commiserate over sushi and beers.

The Cardinals fan gets a club sandwich (the #1 sandwich for children) and white wine, because of course the white wine pairs perfectly with the Hellman's Mayo on his sandwich.

The three baseball fans all agree that the Cubs are the team to root for in these playoffs.

And worst of all, the Cardinals fan roots for the Cardinals. He was the worst.

To be fair, this all happened for game three. For the final game of the series, I was at a sports bar and sat next to a totally pleasant, female, Cardinals fan. I don't even think she ate any mayonnaise.

All of My Thoughts on Fashion

I am a simple man, a minimalist, some might say. I do not consider myself fashion forward, but over the years, I have gone from embarrassing slob to publicly acceptable when I need to be, and that's quite an accomplishment. Because of this, I have lots of thoughts on fashion, whether it be for relaxing or maxing out your potential to pick up chicks, I feel I know enough to make recommendations while staying cheap as fuck.

Relaxing
Relaxing is an essential part of life. When people tell me they are just a "jeans and t-shirt sort of guy/girl," my immediate thought is, "Why so fancy?" The first thing you need to know is jeans suck for relaxing. Denim is a heavy material that isn't all that comfortable. I would rather relax in a pair of slacks than wear jeans. They suck, and you should really limit your use of them.

If you really want to relax. Hey, that t-shirt half of "jeans and a t-shirt" is a great start, but it isn't essential. The great thing about relaxing is being free of the burdensome feeling in our daily lives. Feel free to go shirtless, and yes, this does go for guys and gals. Let those puppies roam free, ladies. After that, it's all about the gym shorts. I love a good pair of gym shorts, but I am also particular about my gym shorts. I'm not any sort of baller, so I like my shorts short, nothing excessive, but they should be above the knee, anywhere from 2-6 inches probably. Also, as I was complaining about the heaviness of denim, the material for my gym shorts must be light. The shorts should caress your thighs like a warm breeze. Trust me on this.

As for footwear, you should know how to do this by now? Minimalist means no socks, ever. If I'm not dressing up, there is literally no reason to wear socks. Oh, your shoes will smell? Dr. Scholl will take care of that. You'll get blisters? Toughen up them tootsies, and then you'll be in the clear after a couple days. Socks are constrictive, and your feet need to breathe. Socks are worthless.

You know what I didn't mention? Underwear. That's because you don't need it. Be like Arnold and go Commando. You will not regret it.

Maxing
When you're dressing to the max, whether to impress in business or for a desired mate, color is your friend. People, especially white people, like to wear the blandest colors imaginable, so stand out and wear an orange, green, or pink to stand out from the crowd. You don't even need a fancy design, but just adding some color will make you look like a fly guy.

Although it is not recommended when relaxing, when maxing, underwear is important. Don't wear no boring ass tighty whities. Get yourself some comfortable and stylish underwear, because it is guaranteed to make you walk around with more swagger, and it's a nice surprise for a potential mate if you manage to convince someone to partake in some hibbity dibbity.

Finally, socks. I used to just wear plain socks and go about my day. This was a poor decision on my part. My buddy Chris tipped me off to the impact of socks, and getting socks that stand out is a great way to make people like you immediately for no real reason. It shows that you are bold, confident, and a little fun-loving, just by wearing socks that have a bit of flare to them. This is an inexpensive way to make an impact, and guys and gals around the world will be impressed with your fashion forward ways.

Oh, and one more thing: If you have to wear a tie of some sort, don't make it a bowtie. Those things are past their prime. Bolos are still hilarious, but I would recommend the ascot, as it is the most pretentious piece of neckwear.

And there you have it. You now know everything from relaxing to maxing about men's fashion. You are now the quintessential male of comfort and style. Congratulations.

I Have Never Drank Coffee

Coffee is a strange thing to me, a strange brew some might say. The news is in on the stuff, and people can't get enough of it. Yet coffee really has no interest to me, as I have never had it, and that freaks people out.

Most people cannot imagine their lives without coffee, in fact, they have a hard time imagining anybody's life without coffee, as I am met with incredulity when I tell them I have never even tasted a cup of Joe, despite my name being Joe. But since I never started drinking coffee, it seems kind of silly to build a dependence on it now.

I find it very odd that people almost seem to brag when they say, "A single cup of coffee doesn't do anything for me." Uh, that's not a good thing. That sounds like a pretty extreme chemical dependence, and it doesn't sound all that fun.

Also, coffee is expensive and confusing. There are so many fancy machines and blends involved that I wouldn't even know where to start. Also, if you get coffee from a coffee shop, it is super expensive. I'm cheap as shit, so I really don't need a vice that is going to make me spend any more money than I do on a monthly basis.

And I understand that this has been a negative take on coffee, but that's not my intention. It's just that there are positives and negatives with it, and for me, the negatives far outweigh the positives. If you enjoy coffee, keep enjoying it, but there's no need to act baffled when somebody doesn't drink coffee; it's simply not for everybody.

I Wish I Could Talk About Pop Culture At Work

Something that I have realized about corporate America is that they do not share my same personal interests. Yes, many people like sports, but they like them on such a casual level that it is mentally taxing for me to dumb down my opinions enough to carry on a conversation. When it comes to pop culture, I have very little in common with the people I work with, so the only thing I ever bring up is my Hot Takes on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

There are many small examples of things I wish I could discuss, but one that stood out was when I mentioned watching Review on Comedy Central, and the mere mention of Comedy Central brought scoffs from my coworkers, as they don't watch that channel. This blew my damn mind. Comedy Central is the station that I watch the most shows on. I mean, Review, South Park, Big Time in Hollywood, FL, Nathan For You, and Workaholics are all must watch television shows. But not in my coworkers' minds. They laugh at the mere idea of turning Comedy Central on.

Music is even more difficult. With TV, I can at least bring up my favorite shows before getting blank stares. In music, I can't even do that. I realized this as I was doing some work while jamming out to Steel Panther. I decided I should probably sing quietly, as most people aren't comfortable when someone belts out the lyrics to, "Fuckin' My Heart in the Ass." I mean, there's no way I can sing that song. I can't even say that song's title without an immediate trip to HR. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can mention the name Steel Panther without it possibly leading to some sort of lawsuit.

So, yeah, I don't exactly fit in corporate America, or really any place with well-adjusted human beings.

My Review of Atlanta

My wife, dog, and I took a trip to Atlanta this past weekend. All it took me was one weekend to understand the city of Atlanta completely.

Before arriving, I needed to find a hotel. We wanted something close to the stadium, but since the dog was coming, needed something pet friendly. Hotwire had a deal on a 4-Star hotel less than two miles from the ballpark that was pet friendly. That sounded perfect, so I booked it and found out it was the downtown Sheraton. I went to their website, and found that although they are pet friendly, it is only for dogs up to 40 pounds, which is about 20-25 pounds too light for my pup. Also, they make you pay $100 deposit, and you only get $65 back. That is not pet friendly; that is pet exploitation. They are basically just trying to wring $35 out of you with no extra work on their end of things.

I was not having any of that, so after our 6.5 hour drive to get there, I snuck in my dog through the backdoor after I checked in and continued to sneak her in and out through the back doors of the place, so I didn't have to answer any questions from that nosey front desk.

But this hotel drama was far from over, as this supposed 4-Star hotel does not have free WiFi. They were trying to charge like $9 a day to use internet. What kind of hotel charges for internet in this day and age? I have stayed in some absolute shitholes, but even those would at least give you free WiFi. Don't stay at the downtown Sheraton. It sucks.

Saturday was a day of exploration in order to obtain food and wear out the dog. The morning was uneventful, but business picked up in the afternoon. We went to Cook Out for lunch on Saturday, because it delivers a lot of food for very little money. I got walking directions from Google, and luckily Google knew of a shortcut that would save us three walking minutes. I live my life with the motto of, IGWT, In Google We Trust, so I had no issues following Google's directions. Did the neighborhoods that we walked through get sketchier and sketchier? Did we most likely walk by a drug dealing operation? Yes, that seems quite likely. Was my wife happy about Google's directions? Honestly, she wasn't. She wasn't too pleased with me at all. We took the long way back home, and honestly, when you're not walking around in fear of being murdered, the walk does seem quicker.

But maybe the most disappointing part of that story is that Cook Out was not nearly as good as I remembered it. The caramel cheesecake shake delivered, but the burger, nuggets, and fries left a lot to be desired.

That night, we went to the Braves/Cardinals game, as it was the main reason for our trip. The old lady used to work for a Cardinals affiliate, so she knows a lot of the players. I am a lifelong Cubs fan, so I could give a shit about the Cardinals, but whatever, I figured I could root, root, root for the home team.

This plan would have worked, but Atlanta got rain that just would not quit the entire night, and the game got postponed, so we would not be seeing a baseball game on our 13-hour round trip drive to go see a baseball game. But hey, that's the way it goes sometimes.

And had the game not been cancelled, I would not have seen what I assume is the most Atlanta thing possible. While driving back to the hotel around 10:00 PM, I saw two pitbulls trotting down a busy street. I thought there owner would be following closely behind, but nope. There were just two pitbulls trotting down the street in the middle of downtown Atlanta. They just took up the far left lane on a one way and looked like they knew where they were headed. I would have adopted those pups, but they were so badass that it would have made more sense for them to adopt me.

Our trip ended with a dinner with friends, and then breakfast with another friend the following morning. They were both very pleasant experiences but unless I want to reveal secrets about the persons at these meals, they were rather uneventful.

So what is my overall review of Atlanta? If you like Waffle Houses, drug deals, and pitbulls running the streets, then Atlanta is the place for you. Personally, I'll take the tamer streets of Clearwater, where the only real concern is Hulk Hogan's racism getting totally out of control.

I Fully Blame Jonathan Papelbon for My Fantasy Baseball Loss

Jonathan Papelbon is such a piece of shit. When he went after Bryce Harper, he didn't just go after his Washington Nationals teammate, he went after his Team Pedigree teammate, and that is a bond that should never be forgotten. These guys have been playing well all year long, but Papelbon just didn't know his place. Even though Papelbon has been a good closer, Harper has been a transcendent star, joining with Mike Trout and Manny Machado to form the best trifecta in the entire league.

And yet, despite all that talent, Papelbon decided to throw it all away and fight with his teammate. My team lost 5-4-1, and had I just gotten one more home run that week, I would have advanced. Instead, Papelbon killed the morale of the team, and nobody did shit on Sunday. Jonathan Papelbon was released from my team and has earned a lifetime ban from my fantasy rosters.

And you know what happened once Papelbon was released? Despite the wind being taken out of our sails, and only playing for third place, the team came together and decided to go out there and kick some ass. The offense hit, and the pitching pitched out of their minds with a 1.46 ERA and sub 1.00 WHIP, while striking out 91 guys on the week. Hell, Scherzer was so happy to be rid of Papelbon on the team, he had one of the greatest pitching performances ever.

As great as all of that was, nothing embodies my team's spirit that they carried throughout the year better than these two teammates palling around.

Jose Fernandez may have thrown a meatball to Longoria, but he can laugh about it, and both can go on to team up to play for the greater good of Team Pedigree. May they serve as an inspiration for my fantasy football and basketball teams.

Should I Post Topless Photos of Myself?

Sometimes, I wish I was more of a douchebag. Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking, "How could you be a bigger douchebag? Your in your 30s and still refer to yourself as 'Hott Joe.'" Well, first off, damn, that was hurtful, hypothetical person that I created. But second, there are many, many ways that I could be a bigger douchebag.

The way that has most prominently entered my head is showing off my body. I am now 31 years old, but I have a body that would make 21 year-old me very jealous (partly because I'm in very good shape now, partly because I was in very poor shape then). But it's not like anybody (outside of my wife) ever really gets to enjoy it. So I work my ass off, and then cover up all of my hard work. I'm basically the guy who spends all of his money on a beautiful sports car, but then never takes it out of the garage.

But I can't be the guy who takes a shirtless picture of himself, can I? That guy is such a tool. But am I a tool by just considering this action? Probably. And then the question becomes, am I a bigger tool by not doing what I want to do, or doing something that I know is sad and super needy of outside people's approval? But shit, I work hard, and I deserve adulation for all of that hard work.

Aw shit, just realized something. I would have to manscape if I was going to take this picture, because if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right. But I don't even manscape for my wife, and it seems that putting in that sort of effort into my own narcissism is troubling, even for someone like me.

So it's settled. I will stay at my current level of douchebaggery and not post topless photos of my bodacious bod.

Thanks for helping me make the right decision, imaginary friend.