Tuesday, October 31, 2017

How To Make Money Online: ShareASale

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How do you make money online? I seriously have no clue, so that is why I am investigating different ways to make it happen. Last week, I gave a very brief overview of Amazon ads, but it's too early to tell how lucrative that will become for me. Now it is time to check out a different sort of ad, ShareASale.

ShareASale partners advertisers with sites like mine in order for the advertisers to make big money and me to make a little bit of money any time that they get a sale through my website. Since I wanted to keep my integrity, I figured I would go with websites that I have actually used in the past. So I saw that Wayfair was a partner, and since my wife has bought stuff from them, I figured I could advertise and then get a percentage of the sale if somebody decided to buy an accent chair or some other worthless shit like that.

I applied to be a partner, and within a few hours, I had gotten my response: DECLINED

Well, shit, that didn't work out as planned. So, next off, I decided to search for brands that I know. both NFL and MLB Shop were available on this site, so I decided to submit my application to them to see if maybe I could drum up some business for some down-on-their-luck leagues who could use all of the help they could get.

The second story is the same as the first: DECLINED

Aw, crud. This was not going to be as easy as I hoped. So I moved on. I kept searching for a partner that would make sense for the blog, because, yo, I gots to get paid. Luckily, there were my good friends at Fanatics. Fanatics sells gear from yours and my favorite teams, so they were a fantastic fit, and they accepted to partner with me, so that was really nice of them.

I have no idea if this will be profitable, and honestly, I can't even remember how the commission structure works, but it can't hurt (I hope).

Anyway, you'll probably see some ads for Iowa Hawkeye gear and an occasional Chicago sport team, since that seems to be the desires of a majority of my readers. These, with Amazon ads will probably be the extent of advertisements on the website, as I do not have the know-how to give 65 pop ups like most porn sites (or so I've heard...from friends of friends, more acquaintances of acquaintances really). So if you're going to buy stuff, click on those links, and help me not get evicted from my home.

And hopefully I can update this post in a week when I am doing in from the comfort of my brand new mansion.
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Monday, October 30, 2017

How To Fix The NBA Draft and NCAA Basketball

With NCAA Basketball close to getting started and the NBA already under way, the murmurs regarding eligibility in the NBA have come up once again. Should high schoolers be able to go pro? Should a college player have to stay at least two years? Should NCAA players get paid? Well, the last one is a definite yes, but people can't seem to agree on what the best way to decide eligibility as we must protect the precious institutions involved in the NCAA and make it easier for NBA teams to evaluate talent, as yes, sadly those do seem to be the two biggest goals.

Luckily, I have a solution that should make everyone happy, and it is so simple that I'm shocked that I haven't seen it anywhere else.

First off, let's make everybody eligible. And I mean everybody. Any year in college, sure, you're good to go. You just graduated high school? Good to go. But really, there isn't any reason to stop there. If you're a super talented 15-year-old who wants to declare for the NBA draft, we let them. Why not? tennis players, golfers, and gymnasts are all allowed to compete with the best at any age, and there is no reason that we shouldn't allow basketball players the same opportunity.

Obviously, this is an extreme take, but it comes with a caveat that ensures that this will be what is best for the player and the organizations.

Before the draft, the player must declare their lowest draft value. Basically, a superstar high schooler who wants to come out to play pro ball will say that he must be a top-five pick in order for him to go to the league. If he gets drafted in within the first five picks, he goes pro. If not, he goes off to college. Once the sixth pick comes around, he is off the draft board, so there is not even the temptation of him dropping his value after the fact. It works the same way with college athletes, as they set their value, and if they don't get selected within that range, then they just go back to school another year to sharpen their skills. And in the reverse direction, couldn't have LeBron come out after his junior year, possibly even his sophomore year and become the number one pick in the draft. I'm not saying he would have, but he should have been given that opportunity.

The only loser in this situation is the NCAA as college coaches won't know who is going to be a part of their program until it is too late to replace them. Boo-hoo is about the most sympathy I can muster. They'll be fine, and honestly, the NCAA game will probably get better as more current college players will play extra years when they don't reach their perceived value in the draft.

I know my idea of letting 12-year-olds turn pro is slightly controversial, but I am willing to ditch that part in order to get my overall idea in there. Let players name their value. If the NBA doesn't agree, they go back to school. It would absolutely be a win for everyone, and that is why it will never happen.
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Friday, October 27, 2017

Yasiel Puig Is the Best

Yasiel Puig is the best. Now he's not the best baseball player as he's not Mike Trout. He's not even the best baseball player in this series as that's Clayton Kershaw, and no, he's not even the best hitter in the series as that's Jose Altuve. But Yasiel Puig is so much more than that. He is simply the best.

Baseball is a game controlled by racist white guys. They have instilled in everyone that you need to put your head down and show no emotion as baseball is a tradition and meant to be taken seriously. Showing any personality is showing up your opponent, and for that, a pitcher has the right to attempt to murder you by throwing a 100 MPH baseball at your head. This is very dumb.

And since it is dumb, Puig shits on it every opportunity that he gets. This man gives zero fucks, and it is just so damn refreshing. It's weird, but he actually looks like he enjoys playing the game of baseball. In fact, the only thing that he seems to enjoy more is the taste of his bat, but again that may just be his love of baseball translating to every item of baseball. Of course, he doesn't seem to like baseballs as when a pitcher throws one nears him, he tries to smack it as far away as possible. Even in the field, he basically plays hot potato with it, as he catches it, and then throws a rocket back into the infield.

If Puig were a white guy, he'd be quirky; at worst, he'd be aloof. Instead, he has this incredible tale of working his ass off to get good at baseball, then getting out of Cuba to the United States. He literally came from nothing to live the American Dream. That shows way more grit than anything David Eckstein ever did. But Puig is not a white guy, and therefore he is lazy and makes a mockery of the game.

And those points aren't totally wrong. Puig is lazy sometimes, and according to the unwritten rules, he does make a mockery of the game. But shit, doesn't that make him like all of us? I'm lazy sometimes, and I have mocked every job I have ever had. It's human nature. Puig is like us. He's not perfect, but Puig Your Friend, and that is something to cheer for.
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Thursday, October 26, 2017

Are The Iowa Hawkeyes Any Good At Football In 2017?

The Iowa Hawkeye football team sits at 4-3. That is not good. It's not terrible, but it's not wowing anybody. Sometimes they look pretty good, yet other times they look pretty bad. So it's time to dig in and figure out if this team is any good.

Offense
Quarterback
Overall, I would say the quarterback position has been a pleasant surprise. Is Nate Stanley good? Eh, I wouldn't go that far, but he is competent, and considering that this is his first real experience, that's a pretty good start. His biggest issue is the deep ball, which has caused my dog much grief as she gets scared when I scream profanities at my television, but even those are getting better. He's not a world beater, but I don't think much more can really be expected from the guy.

Running Back
Akrum Wadley is a super good running back who is badly misused as a bellcow back that is trying to run between the tackles. The outside zone is where he makes his money, as he can stretch a play out, make a hard cut and get up field. Grinding between the tackles, especially with nine guys charging through the line is not a recipe for success. The backup running backs have all looked good as well. It's one of those situations where the guys have played well, but they haven't always been put in a  position to succeed.

Receivers
I'm going to group the wide receivers and tight ends together here. The tight ends have been the stars of the show as both Noah Fant and TJ Hockenson have played very well this year. Yes, there have been some drops, but these are the guys who are finding ways to get open consistently, and I'd like to see more designed plays for both of them.

As for the actual Wide Receivers, I don't think anyone can be anything but ecstatic over the performance of Nick Easley. There were rumors that he looked good in practice, but the fact that he has risen to be Stanley's go-to receiver is pretty incredible. He hasn't been perfect, but let's not get nitpicky. Matt VandeBerg has been fine. I feel like he's still ramping up, and the chemistry that he had with Beathard has not been repeated with Stanley. He's still shown flashes, and I do expect him to play a larger role during the final handful of games. Outside of that, nobody has really stepped up. ISM had his moments, but Brandon Smith has not. Is there anyone else really worth mentioning? These guys are performing well, but Iowa flat out doesn't have a talented enough receiving corps for them to have a big time pass game. That is why teams can continue to stack the box to stop the run, as none of these receivers, nor the quarterback throwing to them are really terrifying.

Offensive Line
Since expectations were fairly low for every position but running back, the offensive line is probably the most disappointing unit from the first half. A major factor in that is injuries. Losing Cole Croston for the year really put a wrench in Iowa's plans, and I'm not sure if Boone Myers has been completely healthy all year long. I think they have done a good job in pass protection as Nate Stanley has had a decent pocket most of the time. The big issue has been the running game where Iowa has not found any way to create consistent holes.

Defense
Defensive Line
The best of Iowa's three defensive units. This is the one area where Iowa has almost too much depth as I constantly want more AJ Epensesa, but like, Parker Hesse is pretty good too. Nelson & Nelson have both been solid on the line, and Bazata continues to be very important without having many flash plays. I was expecting a little more impact from Cedric Lattimore, but this is where we get nitpicky. Iowa has so many guys who flash special traits, but we still see everybody stuffed at the lines. I thought they would have more of an impact in the pass game, but Iowa style dictates that they stay their lane as opposed to always trying to make impact plays.

Linebackers
The linebackers are exactly who we thought they were. Josey Jewell is Iowa's best defender, and my only complaint with him is that he got injured and had to miss a game. Ben Niemann and Bo Bower have both been good, although I am going to be slightly terrified when Ohio State spreads out the field and makes them play in space. Iowa fans had high hopes going into the season, and I think the linebackers have lived up to those expectations.

Secondary
Josh Jackson is probably the most pleasant surprise of any Hawkeye this season, even more than Nick Easley. He has been running amok in the secondary, and he is close to getting crunk ON the field, something only Jovon Johnson and Desmond King have officially done as Iowa players. I think hopes were a little too high for Manny Rugamba, since it was almost entirely based on the single play of him yanking a ball away from a Michigan receiver for an interception. Ojemudia has been solid, but he was more thought of as a third cornerback going into the year, who got bumped up to number two due to Rugamba being hurt.

As for the safeties. Holy shit, Brandon Snyder. I know he is already hurt again, which, uh, yeah, he did just tear his ACL six months ago, but man, when he was in, I felt so much better about the Iowa secondary. Also, Amani Hooker is learning on the fly, but you can already see the improvement. Poor Miles Taylor and Jake Gervase. Together they could make a good safety, but Taylor's instincts just aren't there, and Gervase's athleticism just isn't there. But when Iowa's safeties are healthy, there isn't a huge weakness in this defense.

Coaching Staff
Soooooooooooooooooooooo the coaching staff. Let's start out by saying that Phil Parker has put his defense in a position to succeed, so he's fairly clean on all of this. My only issue is that Iowa has A TON of defensive line talent, but too often on pass plays, we just see four  or more guys charging into offensive linemen without a real plan to get to the quarterback. That really bothers me, but again, it's really tough to give any fault to the defense.

Which brings us to the offense. The good news is that it is better to watch this year than last year. They throw the ball in the middle of the field which is the most hallelujah thing I can imagine after the Greg Davis era. Unfortunately, although the receivers are doing their best, their just isn't enough talent to really depend on them to get open for big plays. This is causing an issue as teams are definitely keying in on the run and blowing up Akrum Wadley before he has a chance to make anything happen. I'd like to see Iowa send some non-wide receivers deep. Get Fant going deep, or put Wadley in the slot and send him deep. Worst case scenario is they protect against Wadley and that opens up a little space for Toren Young. But nobody's going to stop stacking the box until Iowa makes them pay for it.

Before last week's game, Iowa has consistently struggled in the first half, and then put things together in the second half. The good news is that Iowa has been good at halftime adjustments. The bad news is the game planning during the week has not been getting the job done. Iowa moved the ball well to start off last week's game, so hopefully that continues against Minnesota, and I don't know, maybe Iowa will play two good halves of football on offense. It could happen, right?

Luck
You will notice that I didn't bring up Kirk Ferentz in the section above. That's because he more belongs in this section. Because, really, what this Iowa season has come down to so far is just luck. Despite all of the issues they have had, it's not like Iowa is that far off from being 7-0. If Amani Hooker tips the ball against Penn State, if Iowa flips the turnover situation against Michigan State, if Iowa scores early on drives where they dominated to start the game, Iowa is 7-0, and they look just as good as the team that went to the Rose Bowl.

But although they got a bit of luck in the Iowa State game, the ball has not been bouncing their way this season, and that is one of the biggest factors in this season seeming more disappointing than it really is. Overall, the team is playing well, but it's Iowa; they're never going to blow the roof off the place. They're going to fight; they're going to grind. Sometimes they'll have amazing wins, but they are also going to have maddening losses.

So is Iowa any good this year? Yes, they are somewhere between "not very" and "quite" good this year. If their luck continues, it'll be closer to the former, but if it reverses, it might end up closer to the latter. Either way: In Kirk We Trust
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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me About The 21 Convention?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How could notify me that not only does something called The 21 Convention exist, but that it was less than two hours away from me in Orlando. At least one of you must have known about it, because it is simply too hilarious for me to not be exposed to it.

For those of you that were not withholding this information from me, you're probably asking what The 21 Convention is. Well, as the top of their website states, it is, "The Best Event For Life On Earth As A Man." This is why I am so disappointed that I did not know about it. I mean, for the low low price of $1499 (less than $1500), I could have gone to the best event for life on Earth as a man. As a man, this event would have been especially relevant to me.

So, I am doing something that is painful but needed. I'm going to go through the five speakers that I was most bummed to not be able to see in person. And trust me, if you go to their website, you'll understand that it was incredibly difficult to keep the list at just five.

5. Ross Jefferies - Master-Hypnotist
I'm almost positive they mentioned this guy in The Game by Neil Strauss. I really love their introductory paragraph for him as it states, "Ross Jeffries has been described as someone who not only knows more than any one in the world about how persuasion and seduction works, but more than anyone ever SHOULD know about these topics." Can you imagine seeing this guy in a club trying to seduce women? Instead of dangling a watch, he probably dangles his dentures. Seriously, in that picture above, there is no way he has teeth in his mouth. Probably the most impressive thing about Ross is that, judging by his picture, he has been dead for at least 15 years. I'd love to hear about what he has to say about seduction in the afterlife.

4. Tanner Guzy - Founder, Masculine Style
This man should never be able to describe anything he does as masculine. Look at this string beans he has hanging from those deflated shoulders. Pathetic. He's wearing a mustard yellow jacket, but he did not make the Pro Football Hall of Fame. You've got to earn your jacket, you beta.

3. Zan Perrion - Founder, Ars Amorata
This guy's entire look is poor man's Johnny Depp. The only thing that you really need to know about him is that he is one of the founding members of today's "burgeoning community of international pickup artists." Why is there not a Netflix documentary on the burgeoning community of international pickup artists? That is something I could seriously get behind.

2. Eric Von Sydow aka Hypnotica - Author and Coach For Men
Oh hell yeah, it's the unknown third member of The Ascension. He's an expert in female-male interaction, but I think that just means that he knows how to club his woman without killing her. This brohemoth earned the title of, "Inner Game Guru" by killing the man who had it before him. I honestly can't believe he's not number one on this list.

1. Socrates - Relationship Philosopher
Oh, hell yeah. If I want to learn about picking up chicks, it is definitely from a guy who looks like this. Also, his name is Socrates, I'm sure he philosophizes what it would be like to see a woman naked. Honestly, judging by that gut, he may just be wondering what it would be like to see Mr. Winky again. The original Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this Socrates must believe that an unexamined penis is not worth using.

The thing that put Socrates over the top was that with your $1499 ticket, you also got admission to an "Intellectual Party at Socrates' House." Fu-huck, that sounds so ridiculously incredibly ridiculous that I cannot find the words to properly explain its importance. Oh, but The 21 Convention did.
Can't argue with that. I'm so sad I missed out on this.


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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

How To Get Paid Online: Amazon Ads

Since I lost my job last week, I decided to find alternative ways to bring in money. While I pursue a traditional 9-5, I am going to try making money with odd jobs from the comfort of my own home. And then I am going to turn those money making opportunities into content. This is the first of those opportunities.

As you may have noticed, the blog is being overtaken by ads (this post is especially being overtaken since I am trying to make a point, most will not be this blatant). I tried to keep it moderately subtle, but I still really need you to pay attention. I'm going to try to keep my integrity early on with these ads, and that is why Amazon dominates. Everybody uses Amazon, so it made the most sense to put their ads up first.

Even though I am trying to make money off of the blog now, I would never ask that you support a sponsor just because of an affiliation with the blog. Like, if you want to give me money, you can do it directly. I will gladly give up that Venmo or PayPal information, and I highly encourage that. But hey, if you're going to buy something off of Amazon anyway, click on one of the links on this page first, and then I'll make like three cents off of your purchase, and once you do that 35 separate times, I'll be able to get Casey The Dog a toy from Dollar General. Everybody wins.

As you can probably tell, I have no idea how this works, but shit, might as well try to make some money if I can. I'll try to update this post in a few months when I can have Casey The Dog pose with her new toy paid for by readers like you.

Monday, October 23, 2017

What It's Like To Be Fired

I got fired for the first time in my life on Friday. Before I get into the details, let me tell you that I am not looking for any sympathy. It is a the very definition of a "shit happens" situation, and although I will not be having income coming in, I think it is very likely to work out for the best. Still, it's a bit of a surreal experience, and I think it's this taboo thing that people are embarrassed to talk about so I figure I would go into details, because I'm not the first, and I highly doubt I will be the last person to unexpectedly lose their job.

Longtime readers of the blog will know that I have been unemployed before, but this was because of my own stupid decisions of leaving full-time positions just because I'm a moron and don't really give a shit about money, but in all my time, I had never even been close to being fired based on my performance.

So I had been at my current position for a year and a half. That's a decent amount of time but certainly nothing that stands out. Well, at that organization, it was actually kind of incredible. We employed about 80-100 people, and I had the 15th most seniority before I was let go. I have never seen a place churn out people like this. They are constantly hiring, because if people are good, they move on, and they also are quick on the trigger to fire people because they do a fairly shitty job of training people, so unless you can teach yourself, you probably won't last long.

Now there's many other incredibly messed up things that happen at that organization, but maybe that's a blog for a later date as I just felt like a little background was needed before I really got into things.

So, it was around 4:00 on Friday (yes, they do the cliche thing of waiting until the end of the day on Friday, like Office Space), and I was just sitting at my desk, doing anything I could to pass the time, because I was way ahead on my work. My manager approached me and said the Managing Director wanted to see me in the office. I have never had a meeting with this man, because I have made it a mission to avoid him like the plague since he's just a miserable person. My manager seemed serious in her tone, but I manage events, and everyone agrees that my events always run the smoothest, because I am always incredibly prepared and it also helps that I have the most experience. So, going in, I was slightly concerned, but as I was walking over there, I was running through my head, "What could I have possibly fucked up?" and I came up with nothing.

This walk only took about 15 seconds, but it still gave me enough time to consider that maybe they just wanted to talk about my upcoming event, since it was kind of a big one, and maybe the Managing Director just wanted to be more involved. It certainly didn't seem like my time was about to end there.

I got in the office, and both of their faces were serious and they shut the door behind me. I knew that was a bad sign, but still, I was at like 50% that something bad was about to go down. I'm a logical person, and logically, there was literally no reason for me to lose my job. I will say that the one thing that I appreciated was that the Managing Director started off, "I hate to have this conversation, but we're going to be letting you go." That band-aid got ripped off quick. And even though I was not attached my job and often dreaded going into work, you still get that drop in your stomach where it's like, "Holy shit, how in the hell did I get fired?"

He then went on to explain that it had nothing to do with my performance as he appreciated all of my hard work, but they are doing less events next year, so they needed to downsize the department. So, they got rid of the guy with the most experience. Did I ask any questions? No, at that point, it wasn't going to change anything, and I really didn't give a shit about the why, the end result was all that mattered at this point. He kept talking, saying that my work was appreciated, and they'd be happy to give a reference, but at that point, my head was spinning, and I really just wanted to pack up and get out of there.

We said our goodbyes, and I went to pack up my desk which was literally just me grabbing my protein and granola bars as I did not have a single memento in my work space. My manager came by and said that she was told not to talk to me, which I guess is part of the dehumanizing experience of losing a job; you're no longer a person that can be talked to as you are now an unpredictable form that people must tread lightly around. She gave me more details about my severance, but even that I had to email about later to get more details as it was just a feeling of shock. Not happy, not sad, not angry, just trying to comprehend what the hell just happened.

In one of the funnier moments, she asked if I wanted her to tell everyone, and I'm like, "Well, I'm right here; I think I can handle it." I then had to announce, "Hey everyone, I, for real, just got fired." I had to put in "for real" because I have joked about being fired at least a dozen times, and that joke all of a sudden got a whole lot less funny. Everyone was in shock, but I left them to deal with the shock as I wanted to go home to see my pup dog.

After I got out of the office, I called my wife, she didn't answer, so then I texted her, "So heads  up, I just lost my job. Not a joke." Again, I had often joked about being fired. Again, the joke is not nearly as funny anymore. After that, I called up a temp agency that I had done work for when I first moved to the area, because my goal is to find something as soon as possible, so I scheduled an interview with them for Monday. Then my wife called back, and I gave her the update, but I let her know that my mind was racing, so I really didn't even know what to say. Even though I couldn't tell you anything she really said outside of that she loves me, having another person there makes it a whole ton easier. If I was on my own, I'd be way more freaked out about things, but just having someone else (especially someone more successful than me) makes this much easier to take.

Then I got home to play with Casey The Dog. We wrestled around a little bit, and I continued my post-firing plan and blasted out a half dozen messages on LinkedIn with people I know well who might be able to help me find something. I've already gotten a good amount of responses of people recommending things or telling me that they'll let me know if they hear about anything.

After that, Casey and I went on a walk, because I had all this pent up energy and couldn't sit still. At that point, I was able to kind of dissect the situation. I'm 90% sure I know why I got fired. When I started, I had a good amount of experience, so I negotiated a salary that was higher than everyone else's in my department, so due to my master negotiation skills, I was the obvious option to get rid of, because it would save the company the most money. There is a 10% chance that they just didn't like me, and since this is not a logical place to work, I definitely won't rule it out.

But honestly, it still doesn't matter why I got fired. I got fired; that's what matters. And I'm writing about it, because that's easier than talking about it. You feel like a failure, and you feel like a loser, and it is embarrassing, but shit happens. I survived a damn kidney stone, and that was a FAR MORE traumatic experience than getting fired was. I bounced back from that, and I'll bounce back from this. My overall review is that it sucks getting fired, but it's not the end of the world. I still have my wife, still have my pup dog, and most importantly, I still have no stones in my kidneys.

Yes, I got fired, but things are going to be fine, and I think there's a good chance that it works out for the best.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

I Officiated a Wedding

Many months ago, I was asked to officiate a wedding for two friends. I accepted without giving it much thought, because I think it's always a good idea to do what is necessary to make a bride happy on her wedding day. If they would have asked me to come up with a choreographed fire dance, I would have done that too, but I'm really glad that it was just officiating, as this job didn't lead to third degree burns. It almost did, but we'll get to that later.

In advance of the wedding, I got ordained through the American Marriage Ministries. It was super easy, like to the point where I thought it was too easy, and I was really questioning whether I had read everything correctly. I kept reading everything through, and it all seemed legit, so I really hope that I was properly ordained as a minister, and if not, then I am super sorry to the married (well, I guess still not married) couple.

So becoming an ordained minister, even if it's simple, seems like it should be some sort of religious experience. It was definitely not that for me. I have an open mind when it comes to religion; if it makes you happy and a decent person, great, but it personally doesn't mean anything to me, so I don't really practice it. Well, the script I was given by the happy couple contained a whole shitload of Jesus. For me, I would say it was an uncomfortable amount of Jesus; hell, they even mentioned Paul, and I think he was one of the writers of the bible - that's a deep cut. But ultimately, it was there day, so if my sacrilegious activities led to my eternal damnation, then so be it.

But before I could join these two in the holiest of matrimonies, the Matron of Honor volunteered me to drive people around during the day before the ceremony, so ladies could get their hair and makeup done, and people could be chauffered for pictures. I would have straight up told the MoH to mind her own business, but she also happens to be my wife, so what she says goes. Things did not start smoothly, as my second pickup was all of the bridesmaids, and they were so loud. I wanted to tell them to chill out, but if there's one thing crappy romantic comedies have taught me is that weddings make the ladies go cray cray. I stayed quiet and smiled, just like the little bitch boy they wanted me to be. Luckily, things quieted down after that. The only unfortunate thing is they did not build in enough time for me to get intoxicated before I started officiating; hell, they barely gave me enough time to shower, but as a newly formed man of God, I did my duty.

But no good officiating story would be complete without me fucking something up, so, yeah, I delayed the start of the ceremony. So, here's the deal: They decided to have a candle lit ceremony. This meant that reading was going to be an issue, but I had bigger fish to fry as I was supposed to get the microphone set up. Why I was doing this instead of the wedding planner is beyond me, but I didn't think to ask questions as I am a man of action.

Unfortunately, as I was trying to get the microphone set up, I wasn't paying attention to where I was stepping, and I managed to kick over three candles. There was no fire to worry about, just some broken glass, so I figured, ah, not ideal, but no big deal. What I did not notice is that when I kicked over the candles, my left shoe and pant leg had become covered in candle wax. It was not unnoticeable. So, I left the wedding planner to get the mic set up while I ran to the bathroom to start scraping wax off of my pant leg and shoe with wet paper towels. It wasn't the smoothest operation, but I got most of it off before the wedding planner came in and told me that they were just waiting on me to start the ceremony.

So I walked that aisle as I styled and profiled, but something was amiss. When I walked up the aisle, I noticed that the microphone was about 10 feet behind where the couple was standing. They brought a corded microphone that would not come close to actually reaching where I needed to stand. I confirmed that this was as far as the cord stretched and decided I would utilize my booming voice instead of relying on a microphone. I just wish I would have known that before I spilled wax all over myself in efforts for a microphone that was useless.

But then I delivered the words that were provided, put a little bit of extra personality on it, and joined people in the holiest of matrimonies, even if I knew God wanted to strike me down for it. But I persevered, and although God tried to burn me, I knew that I could overcome anything due to that old saying, "Wax on, wax off."

Monday, October 16, 2017

Defy 8 Was Great

A few months ago, my brother let me know that he had two front row tickets for an independent wrestling show in Seattle. I live in Clearwater, FL, nearly the furthest place possible from Seattle in the United States. I have NXT shows five minutes from my house. It makes zero sense for me to trek across the country to watch more professional wrestling. But I am a child, so I looked at flights, got approval from my wife, and booked my trip to the great northwest. Traveling that far may seem insane, but Defy 8 was well worth the trip.

So before I even knew who would be on the card, I booked the trip. But I really lucked into things, as an organization really couldn't have brought in a more ideal collection of stars at the top of the card for this event.

Shane Strickland - Also known as Killshot on Lucha Underground. He's pretty awesome, but since he is also the Defy Champion, I basically knew I could count on him being there for the event.

Jeff Cobb - Also known as "The Monster" Matanza Cueto on Lucha Underground. He's a former Olympian in Greco Roman Wrestling, which means he has stupid strength and can basically throw around anyone from any angle.

John Hennigan - Also known as Johnny Mundo on Lucha Underground. Also known as John Morrison from the WWE, and Johnny Nitro from WWE. Oh, and also he's the star of Boone: The Bounty Hunter which you should definitely buy from Wal-Mart or watch on Amazon Prime. And as an added bonus, that meant that Taya was there to wrestle as well.

Matt Riddle - Also known as Matthew Riddle when he was fighting in the UFC. This was weirdly the guy I was most excited to see despite him having the least notoriety of the big names. I had seen him one other time in Orlando, and it was an eye opening experience. He had me when he came out to Warren G's "Regulate" but his wrestling cemented himself as one of my favorite wrestlers out there.

Even in the matches that didn't feature names that I knew, there was still a lot of talent and some really fun wrestling from guys I had never heard of. I saw a sexually provocative wrestler, fat Aleister Black, ladies wrestling men, ladies taking suplexes on the damn stage, a giant wrestler who called himself The Giant Slayer which really didn't make sense until I saw the woman he was talking to after the show, and TWINS.

But the highlights were the two main events. In the match before intermission, John Hennigan took on Jeff Cobb. This kind of showed the beauty of pro wrestling. It wasn't a traditionally great pro wrestling match, but it was so much fun that it really didn't matter. They had some great spots in it, and they had the entire crowd entertained from start to finish. Jeff Cobb is out there throwing Hennigan around and doing back flips. Meanwhile, Hennigan is out there doing a backflip while mooning the crowd. Why did he do that? No idea, but I was laughing my ass off, because sometimes sophomoric humor just hits the right spot.

As fun as that match was, it still really couldn't compare to the main event with Shane Strickland defending his Defy Championship against Matt Riddle. It was one of the best matches I have ever seen in person. These guys just got after it, and the pace they set was unbelievable. On top of that, every single thing they did seemed to have bad intentions. I know pro wrestling is scripted, but I was totally lost in the moment as the thing felt like a fight. I had so much fun and was truly convinced on multiple occasions that the match would end. Strickland is awesome, and I believe any person on this Earth can enjoy a Matt Riddle match.

Does it help to be a pro wrestling fan to enjoy something like Defy 8? Sure. But shows like that are so much more than a pro wrestling show; it's just a damn show, and anybody can enjoy that.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

I Actually Found Someone Boycotting the NFL Because of National Anthem Protests

I officiated a wedding this past weekend, and maybe I'll get into the highlights of that experience later on, but ultimately, this was my biggest takeaway. I somehow found myself debating a woman about NFL players taking a knee during the National Anthem. It was both amazing and stupefying all at once.

It all started when I was actually having a pleasant conversation with some old broad that was somehow related to the bride or groom. Somehow, I mentioned that I was a Bears fan, and she asked, "Oh, are you still watching the NFL?"

The question made me pause, because why wouldn't I be watching the NFL? My second thought was, oh shit, is this lady more liberal than I am? Is she worried about the concussions and CTE that players are suffering? Maybe she's boycotting the fact that there are many players that sexually, mentally, and physically assault women. That would be another very good reason to boycott the NFL. Was it possible that this lady was more woke than I was?

I responded, "No, I'm still watching," and then she showed that she's an ignorant dumbass and said that her and her husband have stopped watching because of the flag protests. This caused a pivotal moment. I could excuse myself from the conversation and let her go on thinking that this is actually a reasonable stance, or I could stand and present what an intelligent person would reason. I knew that the former was the easy choice, but I just couldn't help myself, so I chose the latter, even though I knew that anyone with that stupid of an opinion was not going to be swayed by reason.

I never thought I would have this conversation as I generally avoid hanging in the same social circles as these folks. But just imagine this conversation in your head. It's fucking stupid, right? Well, trust me, it was even dumber in person. I'll just run through her talking points as well as my responses.

It's disrespectful to our troops.
No it's not. Since troops fight for our freedom, it is actually more respectful to kneel during the anthem as you are taking advantage of the freedom that they fought for. There are some troops that think you should stand for the national anthem; there are some who don't. Guess what? You could replace troops with literally any other occupation, and the sentence would still be accurate. It's okay to do shit that people don't agree with if you're not hurting anyone. Kneeling during the anthem doesn't hurt anyone.

They should be thankful since they are millionaires. 
They worked harder and were better than anyone else in an incredibly competitive field. They deserve their money. And I'm sure many are thankful for things, but that doesn't mean that they need to just smile and act nice because they came from little and managed to make successes of their lives. If anything, it should be the opposite.

Well, sports and politics shouldn't mix, so they should just be out there on the streets if they want to protest.
They have a platform; they are using it. This makes a far larger impact on their cause, because people are actually noticing. And more importantly, politics shouldn't be mixing with sports. The fact that conservatives are still trying to use Pat Tillman's death to prove their point is insane, because even he thought the Iraq War was bullshit, and I can just about guarantee that he would support the flag protests as he was a man who believed in freedom of speech.

They don't even know what they are protesting.
They are protesting police violence towards blacks. They definitely know what they are protesting (it was at this point that I had to refrain from calling a spade a spade and flat out calling this lady a racist).

They should actually try to do something instead of just protesting.
Uh, they are. I then gave multiple examples of players helping in their community (Michael Bennett, Marcus Peters, and yes, even Colin Kaepernick), but, of course, she didn't know any of these things, because she lives in a small bubble where it is easy to avoid the truth and only find other people that agree with your own opinion.

Well, if I had a son that came home in a box, I wouldn't want to see them kneeling.
You have boycotted the NFL, because of a hypothetical you were able to imagine. Congratulations, you played yourself.

This conversation was painfully long, but I just couldn't let someone get away with thinking this sort of bullshit was acceptable behavior. I knew I wasn't going to change her opinion, but I'm happy that I at least took a moment to call her out and make her question her idiocy. Sometimes that's good enough.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Is New York City the Greatest City on Earth?

I went to New York City for the first time a couple weeks ago. Even though it was a work trip, I did get some time to explore. So I set out to check out as much as I could and give New York City a review. I didn’t have access to the vehicle, so I didn’t make it real far, but let’s face it, when people talk about New York, they are talking about Manhattan, and that is the place I spent nearly all of my time. Here are the highlights, starting with the sights, and following with the experiences.

Sights
Queens Boulevard
I saw a sign for Queens Boulevard and had to hold in my laughter. If you didn’t watch Entourage (good for you), you will not understand the pure comedy of seeing a sign for Queens Boulevard. But for those of you that suffered through all of that show, “Are you kidding me? I am Queens Boulevard.” That’s why Vinnie Chase was a movie star.

Statue of Liberty
Almost as impressive is the Statue of Liberty. It’s pretty cool that they have a replica of the one in Las Vegas right here in New York City. During the day, the Statue of Liberty is pretty blah, but it is pretty cool when it’s lit up at night.

Times Square
Man, I really just did not care about Times Square. I mean, it’s good that I got to see it, but I didn’t care going in, and I didn’t care going out. My full review: It’s quite bright.

9/11 Memorial
I checked out the fountains, and they were cool. Is it bad to say they were cool? I guess this was one of those things where I would have had more of an emotional connection had I seen the area before. But since it was my first time, it was just natural that they had this there. I obviously know the history, but I think it is much more powerful for a native than a tourist.

Grand Central Station
This is a famous place that is shown in movies. It is also a damn fortress that you will never escape. Every sign just points you to more trains. I didn’t want more trains, I wanted to get outside. My advice is to just keep going up until you luck into an exit or a roof.

Experiences
The Subway
My first Subway trip was awesome. We were nuts to butts in every car. I got intimate with many people that I will never see again. The smell was not great, and I kept my hand on my wallet the entire time. Great experience.

Street Performers
I have heard that some street performers put on really great shows. The street performers I saw put on a very shitty show. They said they were going to jump over like 10 people, but they ended up jumping over three. A huge buildup with a massive letdown. Do not trust people who say they are going to jump over 10 people; they will only let you down.

Watching Iowa Game
Watched the Iowa game at an Iowa bar in Manhattan. It was a lot of fun from start to fini…right before the finish. Still, I ate a big ass turkey leg and drank a bunch of cheap beer. Those are good things to do when watching football.

Running – Day 1
So when I was running for my first time in the city, I was still paying for the sins of the night before. I did not feel great, and I was very slow compared to my normal pace. Still, I pushed myself over the Brooklyn Bridge and into Brooklyn before turning around for a nice little five mile run. The Brooklyn Bridge was a very enjoyable place to run as I had the sunrise on one side and the Statue of Liberty on the other. Also, quite a few people were around so I never got lonely, and I couldn’t stop and look like a sissy. I will say that I was pleasantly surprised with the running options in the city.

Drinking at a Fancy Bar
Night two I went to Stone Street and had an Old Fashioned at this fancy whiskey bar. It was delicious, made all the sweeter by the fact that I didn’t have to pay for it. I highly recommend going to nice places, having good drinks and not paying.

Running – Day 2
New Yorkers often talk about how tough they are, and if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. What I found is that they are massive cowards. My Day 2 run was at 4:45, and I saw a decent amount of people out at that time. Not a ton, but some, and all but one single girl were cowards. I would give them a runner’s wave as I went by, but everybody put their heads down and refused to make eye contact with me. What a bunch of ninnies. I mean, for a place that talks about how tough they are, I wasn’t very impressed, as they seemed to be intimidated by my “Buff Daddy” shirt from Bodybuilding.com.

Ordering Pizza
Speaking of toughness, the toughest thing in New York City is understanding people. I do not speak New Yorkian. I mean, I could not understand shit when natives were talking. Why do they talk like that? These people might make it in New York, but if they talked with a funny accent in small town Iowa, I guarantee that they would not make it there. I also heard a lot about how New Yorkers always get in fights, and I’m pretty sure that 90% of those are started because nobody can understand each other. Oh yeah, I got some pizza, and it was good. It wasn’t as good as pizza places in Iowa, and it wasn’t as good as the pizza place I go to in Florida. I sure hope they don’t brag about that stuff.
And that was my New York City experience. Is New York City the greatest city on Earth? No, and it’s not particularly close. I mean, it’s pretty cool, but there are plenty of places I could enjoy more. It’s a B+ city. I enjoyed my time there, but I won’t be heartbroken if I never make it back.

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