Monday, December 28, 2015

5 Things You Need To Know About Christmas Mass

I am by no means a religious person, but I went to Christmas Mass this year. I went to a Methodist service, despite my roots being in Catholicism. Church has definitely changed since my glory days of actually attending on a regular basis, and I now have insights in to what you should expect if you are attending a Christmas, or really, any Mass.

1. The Video Packages Are Off The Chain
So I went to some fancy new-age church that had projection capabilities, and I would highly recommend this as it added a lot to the entire experience. They started with this slide show where they said all the cool stuff that Jesus did like giving us salvation and shit. Then they showed a slide that stated, "Jesus destroyed his enemies," and I'm like, "God damn, that is awesome." Then I realized I was in church, so I changed my thoughts to, "Fuck yeah, Jesus is a motherfucker you don't want to cross."

2. The Black Guy Will Sing Like An Angel
As a white person who was in small towns in the Midwest, I knew there would not be a lot of diversity at church. So, yeah, there were a whole lot of white people up in there. But you best believe that one black guy would step up in front of the entire church and deliver a solo that brought the house down. Good for that guy, not only for the impressive pipes, but to deal with a bunch of white people. White people are the worst (hence, they falsely claim a Middle Eastern Jesus as one of their own).

3. Watch Out For That Youth Pastor
Growing up in the Catholic Church, there were no such things as youth pastors. Basically, because you couldn't do chicks and had to live a life of celibacy (it's odd that so many people who pledge their celibacy end up being creeps who sexually assault children). But at these churches that don't require a creepy life of celibacy, there are youth pastors. These are not what you expect, as they look more alternative than traditional pastors. The one at this church even had gauges in his ears. It's basically a young adult emo who is preaching the word of the Lord, which makes sense, because, let's face it, Jesus was the original emo.

4. People Get Very Excited About Candles
You get a candle for when Silent Night is played near the end, and people are very excited by this. In fact, the church ran out of candles, so the preacher man made an announcement saying that more candles were on their way. People applauded. No man, woman, or child should be left without a candle. When they were finally lit, there were lit candles around, so I was a little underwhelmed, but fire is cool, I guess.

5. There Will Be Hilarious Hypotheticals
So his big sermon asked, "Would you have seen? Would you have heard?" in regards to Baby Jesus. This is fairly insane, because, only like three weird dudes came, and they gave a baby gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Dudes, it's a baby, a rattle would have sufficed. Also, this reminds me of what awful writers the Bible had, because Jesus definitely should have used these gifts later on to vanquish some enemies; that would have made for a much more compelling story.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there, because the pastor apparently wants to be the type of person that travels for miles to give babies weird gifts. Even weirder than that, he also asked whether he would have ears, and it's like, dude, 2000 years ago isn't so long ago that humans didn't have ears. Also, you're religious, so you're not supposed to believe in evolution anyway. Get it together, brah.

Ultimately, Christmas Mass is the best time to go to church during the year. All the cool kids are there, and they don't have time to spew any of their bullshit hate speech. So overall, it's just a really positive place where they focus on treating people with kindness. If they did that more often, I might even go twice a year.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Most Annoying Habit For Christmas Season

As my wife, dog, and I took a 17 hour drive to visit family this Christmas season, I had a bit of time to think. Now some would use this time to contemplate life, maybe try to come up with ideas to be a better person. I mostly listened to podcasts, put together plans to ditch my wife on New Year's Eve, and came up with the most annoying habit possible for this Christmas season.

It is so simple, yet so brilliantly diabolical. Whenever somebody says anything, just respond with, "I know." You may be thinking that this is stupid and makes no sense, and you would be correct on the former but incorrect on the latter. It makes perfect sense. After somebody tells you something, you gain that knowledge. You're not saying you knew that, you're saying you now know that. Here's an example:

Random Holiday Person: Little Billy is starting to read.
Me: I know.
RHP: How'd you know that?
Me: You literally just told me.

Feel free to follow up that by looking around with a face that asks, "Who is this clown?" to really hammer your point home.

Everyone will hate you.

And isn't that what the holidays are all about?

Monday, December 21, 2015

Roddy Piper's WCW Nitro Open Challenge

Roddy Piper's run in WCW left a lot to be desired. Let's face it; the world was changing, so Piper was no longer able to paint half his body black and for it to be totally acceptable. He was also getting a little older and had a family, so he wasn't going to be busting random bottles over his head and bleeding profusely for the sake of a promo.

Classic Roddy Piper was on another level. WCW Piper was basically a different person. They gave him a little too much creative freedom, which usually just harmlessly resulted in him cutting a promo that went about ten minutes too long. But in advance of the WCW Uncensored PPV in 1997, it was a hilarious disaster that was absolutely painful to watch.

Roddy Piper was tasked with putting a team together to face the nWo (and weirdly, also a team from WCW). He decided to have an open challenge to find the toughest guys in the back to join his team. They would fight Piper, and the crowd would decide if they were tough enough to join his squad. It did not go well.

Now usually with these open challenges, they may bring out a few jobbers, and then some legit guys that fans know to actually join the team. Piper convinced the WCW to do something differently, and honestly, there's not much more I can say, so let's just go through our challengers.

1. Meathead 1
First, we have Meathead 1. He at least looks athletic, but he's wearing jeans and a belt, so he didn't exactly do his best to prepare for this challenge. He does have a pretty long ponytail, so that is something. The most fascinating thing this guy does in his 30 seconds in the ring is tap out to a kimura by Piper, so clearly Piper knew a little about shooting, because that move was never used as a pro wrestling submission. Still, Piper asks the fans to give him thumbs up or thumbs down, and the entire crowd gives the thumbs down.

2. Meathead 2
The most positive thing I can say about this guy is that he at least wore jean shorts and no belt. He also wore army boots, but hey, you can't win 'em all when it comes to fashion choices. This guy slapped Piper and then threw some knees, so he at least got some offense, but then Piper put him in the sleeper, and he went night night. He also receives a unanimous thumbs down.

3. Meathead 3
Does this guy look familiar? That's because he is what would happen if Meathead 1 and Meathead 2 had a baby. He got Meathead 2's torso, but he got Meathead 1's pants. This guy never even made it into the ring, because this happened...
...which brings us to our next contestant.

4. Craig Mally
Craig Mally is my favorite guy involved in this. Partially because he knocked out Meathead 3 with a hilarious haymaker, but mostly because he wears comically large boxing gloves, and he gives Roddy Piper comically small boxing gloves. I mean, look at that image above. Mally is wearing boat oars at the end of his hand, and he gave Piper a pair of mittens. They "box" for a few minutes, but it's just wild haymakers and hammer fists as both guys fall all over the ring. Piper is impressed, so he asks the crowd if they are impressed, and they emphatically boo while giving the thumbs down. Piper thinks that an extra minute of this mess will change their mind. It does not, but Piper puts him on the team anyway, because he thought people would give a shit about an oversized glove cheap shot artist who they have never seen before.

5. Layton Morrison
This was probably my least favorite guy. He's a kickboxer, and a guy who likes to pick Piper up awkwardly. The highlight of the match is when Morrison picks Piper up and nearly depantses him, and Piper decides to call it a day and just announce him as part of the team while the crowd erupts in boos.

6. John Tenta
Hey, it's a real life pro wrestler. I would say that John Tenta is a guy who belongs in something like this. The only problem is that he's more of a guy you bring out as the first legit guy as part of your team, since he's big, and that's always impressive. But he's not a final guy for fans to get excited about, so he's kinda swingin' above his weight here. Still, the crowd was so sick of the endless parade of jobbers that they shot up to their feet to cheer on Earthquake, aka The Shark, aka John Tenta (aka Golga, but he saved that for the future). John Tenta wrestles Piper for a minute, until the other two team members come in the ring to attack him, and the crowd continues to give the thumbs down as Craig Mally swings wildly and Layton Morrison trips over his own feet.

Eventually, the segment ends, as the crew is set to take on the nWo in two weeks at Uncensored.

They were replaced by the Four Horsemen one week later.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

La Parka Is The Coolest Man In Wrestling History

As I relive the glory days of pro wrestling on the WWE Network, I have come across many hidden gems that I had totally forgotten about. Sure, there are some things that stand out to everyone, like how great Stone Cold Steve Austin was between King of the Ring and his submission match against Bret Hart at WrestleMania 13, which was the point where he got propelled to another level. But something that consistently stands out to me on Nitro is how amazing La Parka is. I mean, I remember being a huge La Parka fan back in the day, but I totally forgot just how cool he truly was.

La Parka was incredible in the ring, and I always thought his look was pretty cool, but looking back, this man had more style than anyone in wrestling history. His debut was a phenomenal match against Juventud Guerrera where he wore this...
just to reveal this...
yep, a chestpad that looks like Brak from Space Ghost.

I didn't think that look could be topped, but I should have known to never doubt La Parka. Then, about six months later, La Parka had a rematch with Juventud Guerrera. La Parka brought it in the first match, but Juvi didn't learn his lesson. So La Parka had to bring it even harder, as evidenced by this ring attire for his entrance.
BOSS. Like, I don't know another way to describe how awesome that outfit is. He's in full La Parka attire, and tehn somehow over that, he has a pajama suit of luchador masks, and he tops it off with a sombrero. Oh yeah, and since every suit needs a belt, he got himself a custom La Parka belt to show that he is the champion of...La Parka?

It doesn't matter, because he will forever be the champion of our hearts. He was just so damn cool that it was impossible not to love him. Oh yeah, and the next week, he started bringing chairs into the ring which began his run to Chairman of WCW. La Parka was so cool.

How did this guy ever lose? 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Fair Weather Fans Are 7 Times More Likely To Get Divorced

I am always amazed at people who only like good teams. It used to drive me crazy, because they weren't "real sports fans." As I have grown older and more mature, it has gotten to the point where it only irritates me. It still blows my mind when it comes to colleges, and people only like Duke basketball, of course, that's partially because I thought only old racist white guys liked Duke basketball. But it works the same with Notre Dame football, wait, that's a lot of old racist white guys too. Um, let's go with Alabama footbAwShit, that's loaded with ORWGs too. This wasn't even the point of the post, so let's just get back to my original point that fair weather fans are slightly irritating but nothing to get worked up over.

But they are still irritating, and the fact that they try to celebrate a championship like it really means something to them when they just float in while the team is good is not something that they should get away with, but alas, as just one man, there is nothing I can do. But karma...karma is a bitch, and it will strike down these fair weather fans.

You see, these fair weather fans are strong when things are going well, but they lack the mental fortitude to prosper when things get tough. They just want to move onto something else. This may work in sports fandom, but I'll tell you one area it doesn't work: Marriage.

I believe that fair weather fans are single-handedly pumping up the divorce rate in this country. I mean, based on zero research whatsoever, I will claim that the divorce rate for fair weather fans is seven times higher than it is for those fans that stick with their crummy teams through thick and thin. This is all just a guess on my part as I did absolutely no research, but the numbers don't lie. SEVEN TIMES, that is incredible. But these made up numbers make sense. These fans float along in life, just looking for the best possible situation, but they just bounce around grasping at fleeting happiness while sticking with things gives a far more fulfilling feeling that these people will never experience.

Seven times. That's truly an incredible number. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't made it up myself.

It really makes you think.

Monday, December 14, 2015

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Weird Sex Lives

Since there were children staying with us a couple weeks ago, I got to learn about a few things that I would not have regularly been exposed to. The most prominent of these things is the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's actually got some decent storylines, and I do like the intro music. There's just one problem: The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon TOTALLY promotes bestiality (and other weird stuff too).

The very first episode they establish that mutant turtle-human relations should be as sexy as possible as Donatello immediately develops a huge crush on a teenage April O'Neil. This is what Donatello is willing to go to prison for (And yeah, if a mutant turtle has sex with a teenage girl, I will 100% guarantee that he is going to prison).

OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH! If you like gingers with skinny knees and extreme cankles, then this is the gal for you.

As bad as mutant turtle-human relations are, at least they are both good people who are fighting for the same cause. Leonardo wants to fuck Shredder's daughter.
The question becomes whether she is goth, emo, or a vamp kid. Leonardo is the leader of the turtles, so he should at least try to pursue a cheerleader, or I don't know, maybe he should go for an actual turtle, although I guess that would be weird too.

Then we move onto Raphael who is asexual, as he only gets a boner for violence. You know those weird porno movies where it's not even about sex, it's more just about demeaning someone...wait, you don't? Uh, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if these existed, this is what Raphael would be into. He'd make Two Girls One Cup look like The Lego Movie.

Michaelangelo is clearly into some weird shit as well, as he doesn't love pizza, he is IN love with pizza. He is also IN love with video games and probably a lot of other inanimate objects. Luckily, they gave him the brain of a 3-year-old, so he probably just gets out his sexual aggression by awkwardly tugging at his dick.

As for Splinter, he was just an old dude who got into the ooze, and then somehow turned into a rat, because one was nearby? I'm guessing they were going for a situation like the movie The Fly, but from what they showed, it didn't look like the rat even got in the ooze. It was weird. But that brings up an interesting point. What should Splinter have sex with? He definitely has the most right to try to have sex with human women, although I don't think he should be competing with his proteges for teenage girls. I mean, he definitely shouldn't be banging rats, but I don't know why else he would live in the sewer when he could just frequent Furry Conventions.

Holy shit. That's perfect. They should all become Furries, because honestly, that would be less weird than what they are currently doing. 

In the world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Furries is the new normal.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A Comprehensive Breakdown of's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.
When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

Monday, December 7, 2015

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.
I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Talking to Yourself about Iowa

Iowa is 12-0 and going to the B1G Championship with a shot to go the College Football Playoff. I know this sentence is 100% true, and yet, I still can't totally fathom it. I mean, I'm flying up to Indy to go to the game (scalpers willing) this weekend, and it still hasn't totally sunk in. I've watched every minute of every game, and it still doesn't feel totally right that Iowa is here. This season is too good, and my brain can't fully comprehend what is happening.

It's not that I've been influenced by the pundits either. I barely watch ESPN, so I really only hear about most of it secondhand. I remember hearing a throwaway joke on the Solid Verbal about talking to your kids about Iowa, laughed, moved on, and then watched it take off a become a thing. That's still funny to me, and shockingly fitting, because I can't totally explain Iowa to a child; I can't even fully explain Iowa to myself.

Don't get me wrong. This is fun. This is really, really, fun.

Think about this season for Iowa, and try to name players who performed below expectations. The only ones are, through no fault of their own, Drew Ott and Jake Duzey. Ott played with a robo arm for a few weeks and was still causing havoc before having season ending knee surgery. Duzey got hurt before the season, and because the other two tight ends were playing great, hasn't really had a chance to put himself back in the rotation.

Who has even only played to expectations? I guess I'd go with Tevaun Smith, who has been a weapon in the passing game but has not set the world on fire. Greg Mabin, who continues to show flashes of greatness but still hasn't quite gotten the consistency that would make him an absolute monster as a corner. That's basically it. Those guys just did as good as we expected them to.

Everyone else has exceeded expectations, and there are some guys who exceeded past my wildest fantasies. The one that stands out is Desmond King, who I was excited about when Iowa got him right before National Signing Day. He just sounded like a guy who just made plays, and wouldn't you know it? Making plays in football is a pretty damn valuable skill. Still, this is beyond even my wildest expectations. He probably deserves the Thorpe Award, as he has legitimately been the best corner in the league. It's been incredible.

Probably the most surprising success story is the entire offensive line. Sure, Austin Blythe was good, but he's become dominant, and everyone has far exceeded my expectations. I thought it would be their achilles heel on the way to a 4-8 season, and instead, they have become a huge strength in keeping the quarterback upright while opening up huge holes for a bevvy of running backs.

And speaking of running backs, holy shit, how did Mark Weisman start for this team? Nothing against Weisman, who always worked hard and did his best, but Jordan Canzeri is the truth, Wadley has moves on moves, Derrick Mitchell is somehow just a great pass blocker for third down situations, and when LeShun Daniels is on, he's the most unstoppable runner of the bunch. The running backs have taken a huge step forward, and it's been fun to watch.

But don't think I forgot about defenders outside of King Crunk, as it has been a great year for guys with double J initials. Jaleel Johnson has emerged as a monster in the middle of the line, destroying run games and collapsing pockets on the quarterback, he has helped make everyone else's job easier. Right behind him is Josey Jewell who has gone from looking lost last year to having nearly flawless instincts as he flies around and tackles everything in sight. With Jeff Jarrett starting Global Force Wrestling, it has been a great year for Double Js.

Somehow even crazier, I have talked about a ton of important factors about Iowa, and I haven't even mentioned that Kirk Ferentz has altered his offensive playbook, and all CJ Beathard does is win. There's simply too much wild shit happening this year to get to everything.

And here's the thing with not wrapping my head around this team. As the season has gone on, a part of me has hoped for a single loss and a Rose Bowl berth, because how cool would the Rose Bowl be (although a loss likely knocks them out of that at this point)? And that was seriously as high as my brain can dream up. Like, all they do is win, so who's to say they couldn't win the damn College Football Playoff? It's unlikely, but this season took nearly everything going right in the first place, why should that stop now? I don't know if my heart could take it.

Nearly everything has gone right this year, and I'm a very logical person, so I always assume if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. This season definitely seems too good to be true, so it almost doesn't feel real. The question I keep asking is when is that other shoe going to drop? I don't know, and I'm going to do my best to turn my brain off to not care either. I'm going to the B1G Championship next week, and who knows where I could be headed next to support the Hawkeyes?

This season has already been an incredible triumph, but it's not over yet, so it's time to say fuck logic and just enjoy the ride.

Go Hawks!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I Suck At Yoga

I have started to supplement getting my ass kicked with yoga. It has been something I have wanted to do for a while, but I kept coming up with excuses not to do yoga. I think a lot of this is it is never all that great to go into something and know you are going to be really bad at it. I have never been known for my flexibility, so I was quite positive that I would be very bad at yoga, and that fear stopped me from taking the first step towards progress. I way overthought everything, like do I need to have a mat, and are gym shorts and t-shirt acceptable yoga clothing? Those are stupid excuses to not try something, so I had to get over myself.

I finally tried yoga, and guess what? I did suck at it. This is not some magical story where I conquered a mild fear and it turned out I was great. If it required much flexibility, I was very awkward while doing it, and I often needed adjustments, because I cannot follow simple yoga directions. Even though I am fairly strong for my size, I often felt my muscles blowing up while holding poses. It was embarrassing, as I watched 60-year-old women handle things with ease while my shoulders were screaming in agony. But even though it has only been a couple weeks, I can feel myself improving. I definitely feel a little looser when it is over, and physically, I know that I am improving. And as bad as I am at it physically, I am even worse at it mentally.

My problem is that I enter with a very calm and relaxed attitude that is ideal for yoga, but once I start going, I get more and more aggressive and start wanting to attack every pose. I look around to see how others are doing, and I want to do better, despite me not being flexible or even all that good at core strength, because I get blown up trying to hold poses. Still, I want to strive beyond my limits, which is the total opposite of what you want to do in yoga. I can't even relax properly, because I'm side eyeing the people next to me to see if I am relaxing better than they are.

Still, I am getting better, and the cool thing about being really awful at something is that you get to see vast improvement quickly. So now I'm ready to stretch so hard that I tear muscles off my bones and breathe so deep and peacefully that Kim Jong-Il destroys all of the nuclear weapons in North Korea.

I'm never going to be good at this.