Monday, December 31, 2012

The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.
I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.
Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.
Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.
...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.
No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.
This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.
Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.
Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.
This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.
I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

Friday, December 28, 2012

UFC 155 Picks

Well, I haven't made fight picks in a while, so let's change all that and pick some money winners for UFC 155. It's not a great card, but it's solid, and seeing probably the two best heavyweights in the world square off should make for a good time for all. And to add another level to the fun, I will add a play on words for each of my picks. Where else are you going to find that sort of quality?

John Moraga (-170) over Chris Cariaso
Moraga has been tearing through fools lately, and his only loss is to the best flyweight in the world, John Dodson. Cariaso is a tough cookie, but I expect Moraga to chew through him on his way to a unanimous decision.

Todd Duffee (-350) over Philip De Fries
Duffee is back in the UFC and will probably a"salt" De Fries in the first round with a knockout.

Max Holloway (-375) over Leonard Garcia
Leonard Garcia is a gritty fighter, but the talent level seems to have passed him by. Unfortunately, after this second round TKO, Leonard will be saying Gar-seeya to the UFC.

Michael Johnson (-250) over Miles Jury
I really don't know much about Miles Jury, so this pick is coming from a place of partial ignorance. Johnson has looked impressive lately, so after this fight, the Jury will find Johnson guilty of a dominant decision win.

Erik Perez (-450) over Byron Bloodworth
Perez has torn through his two opponents in the UFC, and I do not expect that to change with this fight. Oh, there will be blood, but it will be Byron Bloodworth's, as he gets stopped in the first round.

Eddie Wineland (-120) over Brad Pickett
Wineland has struggled with wrestlers, but Pickett is from England, so the only wrestling he knows about involves William Regal. This should actually be a really fun fight to watch as I think both guys are going to throw down. Expect Wineland to crush Pickett like grapes in a decision victory.

Jamie Varner (Even) over Melvin Guillard
Shit, man, these are two guys that I hate predicting their fights, because they either dominate or completely shit the bed. I'm guessing that I'll be Smellvin Guillard's poopy pants when he gets caught in a submission in round one.

Constantinos Philippou (-110) over Tim Boetsch
Philippou has been dropping bombs on fools, but Boetsch seems like he is able to weather the storm and just keep coming. Still, absorbing punishment is never an ideal strategy for victory. Expect Philippou to be too much as he smacks that Boetsch up on his way to a decision win.

Jim Miller (-225) over Joe Lauzon
Miller does well when he can outwrestle his opponent, and he should be able to outwrestle Lauzon. Lauzon is a tricky dude, so I don't feel great about the pick, but this is most likely a run-of-the-Miller victory against J-Lau.

Derek Brunson (+140) over Chris Leben
I've never liked Leben, and he seems to have a lot of troubles outside of the octagon. With that many issues, it's hard to believe he still has the time to give the necessary training to keep improving. Brunson will do enough to have Leben looking like a real Munson in this fight.

Alan Belcher (-110) over Yushin Okami
Okami is really only impressive in the way he overpowers opponents. He has faced a lot of guys who were better served at welterweight. Belcher is a legitimate middleweight who has excellent striking ability. Yushin? More like Dushin, because he is going to get TKO'd by Belcher in the second.

Cain Velasquez (+160) over Junior Dos Santos
I picked Velasquez in the first fight, and a minute of action is not enough to change my mind on who is the better fighter. I have a horrible bias towards wrestlers, but that's because wrestling is super valuable in MMA. Cain had a bad knee in the first fight, so I expect him to take advantage of openings to take Dos Santos down. He took down Brock Lesnar with ease, and I cannot imagine that Dos Santos has wrestling on the level of Lesnar. Cain does have a tendency to keep his chin up, which could be bad for him, but I still believe that Cain is Able.

Monday, December 24, 2012

I Wish I Had Better Dreams

Last night, I had a dream where I was out for a run and ran across a stray dog that had a ton of energy. It started running with me, but I wanted to find the owner, so I stopped, looked at its collar and realized it had a phone number but no address. I stopped by a house to try to get somebody to call the number. Before anything could get resolved, I woke up. This is a very boring dream.

Flash forward to my Christmas Eve run. With about a mile to go to the house, a stray dog starts running with me. It came right by a yard, so I decided to try to get the owner to take care of the dog. I went up to the house, where the guy saw me through the window. I pointed at the dog as if to ask whether it was his, and he mimed that he had never seen that dog before. Well, shit. I guess I will just go about my run and see where this goes. This dog follows me like a loyal soldier until I come across a car that is about to turn out on the highway. I get them to stop, and I check the dog's collar. Its name is Tillie, and its owner name is Paul. There is no address, but there is a phone number. They call the number and leave a message, because Paul doesn't pick up. I continue on my run, and Tillie gets distracted by a UPS guy. Good, I think, he can help out the dog, since there really isn't much I can do with my running clothes and iPod to help out a dog. I happily continue on my run until I turn back and see the dog sprinting to catch up to me. She catches up, stays right by my side, and follows me until the last eighth of a mile. Then, it again got distracted and bothered some other people in the neighborhood. They appeared to be looking at the collar when I got to my house, so I hope they are able to find Paul.

So that story is not that exciting, but it was quite weird. Basically, what I learned from the whole experience is that stray dogs love me, and I really wish I would have had a supermodel orgy dream last night, as my morning would have been far more exciting.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Predictions For The B1G Bowl Games

I am a glutton for punishment, hence I watch a lot of B1G football. And holy hell was that an awful idea this year. Because of the pain and misery that I suffered, I feel like I am a good source on information on whether the B1G can actually win any of these bowl games. Oh, but you also must realize that I have spent so much time watching B1G football that I do suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, so I have started to empathize with my captors. I added my confidence points at the end to sure how confident I was in each team.

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech - Texas Tech is a huge favorite over Minnesota, because everything that people have seen from these teams shows that Tech is a far superior squad. Still, Tommy Tuberville left Tech to go to Cincinnati which is a step sideways at best. I really like to go against teams who lost their coach, but their coach was Tommy Tuberville, and this is a Minnesota team that lost to Iowa, so yeah, not even I can justify a Minnesota win here.
Texas Tech for 18 points. I am probably one of the lowest point totals here, but Jerry Kill could have a seizure and really get his team pumped for a victory.
B1G Record - 0-1

Michigan State vs. TCU - Michigan State lost to Iowa, so this is a pretty easy decision, right? Wrong. Michigan State was actually a pretty good team this year. They were just incredible at not coming through when it mattered. The only team that really beat them down was Notre Dame, and they're in the National Championship. TCU is okay, but these are not the Andy Dalton-led Horned Frogs. Michigan State has found a way to lose a lot of games this year, but the roulette wheel has hit black five times in a row, so I'm putting all of my money on red (Note: This is a gambling strategy that I know to be terrible but have used on many occasions).
Michigan State for 32 points. Yep, I really did that. Mark Dantonio didn't put that many points on this team, but I did.
B1G Record - 1-1

Northwestern vs. Mississippi State - God, I hate Northwestern. With their fancy education and porsches, seriously, they are the worst. If I had the choice to spend a weekend with Northwestern graduates or Juggalos, I'm picking Juggalos EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to pick against them, but they are actually a pretty competent team. Mississippi State started out how this year, and then they started playing real SEC teams and got curb stomped week after week. So yeah, Northwestern is good enough to win one for the B1G.
Northwestern for 23 points. Because, what do SEC schools know about football?
B1G Record - 2-1

Purdue vs. Oklahoma State - Not even I can justify Purdue winning this one. I can't find a way where they keep it close. They are awful...and yes, they still beat Iowa.
Oklahoma State for 35 points. Yep, I'm willing to wager everything on this one, and I am not sweating it one bit.
B1G Record - 2-2

Michigan vs. South Carolina - These next two games are examples of where most people just take the SEC team, because they should crush their B1G opponent. I actually really like South Carolina, mostly for Jadeveon Clowney, but Michigan is kind of dangerous. I like them more with Gardner at QB and Robinson as a jack-of-all-trades on the offense. I think it gives them a more dynamic offense. Still, Clowney might eliminate both of their quarterbacks in this game. He's kind of a big problem for that offense, so I cannot justify taking Michigan.
South Carolina for 25 points. I put a pretty good amount of points on this game, but I thought hard about it, and I feel that's important.
B1G Record - 2-3

Nebraska vs. Georgia - Georgia seems to shit the bed a lot. Nebraska seems to shit the bed a lot. Expect both teams to shit the bed, but Georgia has three potential first rounders on their defense (despite not having that great of a defense), so expect them to wipe up with the Cornhuskers.
Georgia for 27 points. I'm not sure if I will ever pick Nebraska to win a bowl game.
B1G Record - 2-4

Wisconsin vs. Stanford - I know the answer to this one. It's Stanford, right? Stanford. Okay, I feel good about that...but Wisconsin did dominate a bed-shitting Nebraska team in the B1G Championship. And Chris Borland, probably my favorite player in the B1G, should be fully healthy. Plus, Stanford really designed their defense to stop quicker teams like Oregon, so maybe Wisconsin's power attack could cause some problems. And most importantly, I got B1G blood running through my veins.
Wisconsin for 7 points. B1G! B1G! B1G!
B1G Record - 3-4

I know that I'm higher on the B1G than most, but I could honestly see any of the B1G teams winning their bowl games...except Purdue. Purdue is awful. But any other team, with help from their opposition could win the game. B1G for life.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Let's Break Down Thamys's "Party @ Ur House"

Something that never ceases to amaze me is how much people love shitty pop culture. In music, we have that Friday song and Gangnam Style. In movies, it's sparkling vampires and Billy Crystal. And in television, it's Honey Boo Boo and Big Bang Theory (or anything on CBS, for that matter). I don't know how these things are popular. That is why I fully expect this video to blow up.

It's got awful singing, pathetic lyrics, and international flavor. Thamys is taking over, so this breakdown should help you prepare for when she does.

:01 - Just Thamys sitting on her bed, 'bout to make a hit single, no biggie.

:09 - What's this, a text message? Her friend is inviting her to a party at her house. Holla!

:15 - Going to a party, so you know she's got to put on her freshest lipstick and dopest fingerless gloves. Otherwise everyone would make fun of her.

:21 -
Thamys has gotten it going on. Her bracelet is doing a great job of complimenting her jacket and gloves. The fingernail polish is on point. Her hair is rockin. She's even got some purple/pink/red (I'm not good with colors) highlights in her hair, so all the boys will be like, "Ooh, girl, you be lookin' phat as all get out."

:33 - Rock like never before, rock like never before, rock like never before...

:45 -
I just wanted to point out that they get in this car, but nobody gets in the front seat to drive. Thamys has a ghost driver, and combining that with what she's wearing on her lower body, she's probably partied harder than any of us can even imagine.

:46 - "Live hard, party hard, party like a rock star." You used party twice. You have access to a ghost driver, I am sure you have access to a thesaurus. You also rhymed rock star with super star, which is also just lazy on your part. Come on, Thamys, you're better than this, and you prove that later on in this video.

1:17 - Now onto my second favorite part of the video. Look at how bummed out these dudes are.



Wow, those dudes are bummed out. These fellas aren't partying like rock stars. Dudes, I got great news, Thamys is here. Now look how excited they are.


Yep, all is right in the world.

1:33 - My favorite part was something I didn't even notice until my second viewing. Where did this guy come from?
I did not notice him the first time around. Why is he sitting down while everybody else is standing?
Oh. That's a wheelchair. Hum, I did not see that coming, but I'm happy he's at the party. By the way, is he just in the middle of the dance party with everyone around him the whole time?
Oh, God damnit. Why did they just put him in the corner while she tries to romance this dude? That is a real dick move. One day, he will rise up again and he will party harder than all of you combined. He will not party like a rock star, he will party like a rock god.
OH YEAH! It's still party time for this broski. Can't nobody hold him down. You keep rockin' young fella. But I know you can do better. Let me guess, your date hasn't arrived yet. I already know who this is. He didn't invite any of these normal high school girls, he went straight to his little black book, skimmed through until he got to the U's. Hey, who's got two wristbands and is about to bang Kate Upton?
THIS GUY!

2:20 - It's time to speak French, because, duh, why wouldn't you?

2:30 - For the last 45 seconds of this video, it's a lot of living hard. There's a lot of partying hard. Overall, they are partying like rock stars. So, who's down? Party @ ur house?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Let's Talk About Rhino Sex

The most popular thing I have written for this blog, by far, is Let's Talk About Dolphin Sex. That makes me happy and disgusted all at once. It is disturbing the amount of people that look up human sex with dolphins and find this blog. But hey, like they always say, what happens in international waters, stays in international waters.

Although I haven't received many reader requests lately, I did get one the other day. Reader Influ Ence simply went to the Facebook page and wrote, "Rhino sex explination." That is incredibly vague, but hey, if that's what the people want, who am I to deny them?

The very first thing I did was Google, "Rhino Human Sex." This led to the subsequent videos popping up:

1. White rhinos mating
2. horny elephant raped rhino
3. Rhino trying to have sex
4. Awkward man tries to have sex with Rhino on Vimeo
5. Rhino Sex (posted by TheBeastialityMan)

I don't want to watch any of those videos. When it comes to researching animal sex, reading is fundamental. Finally, I tried beastiality rhino in my search engine, and that was a terrible, awful, no good, stupid idea.

It would have been fine had I just not clicked, but curiosity got the best of me. I went to a trusted source, beastiality.com. They had a site titled "Female Rhino Pics." I knew there were risks involved. If this meant there was a rhino with a female, I had a contingency plan to click away the second I saw human skin before my eyes could focus on the image. What I was hoping for was just a sexy looking rhino lady. You know, maybe she's winking at the camera, or giving a "come hither" look. I'm not into animals, so I don't know what gets them off, but I figured that was a possibility.

Instead, it was EXTREME close-ups of rhino vaginas. Luckily, the images were only thumbnails, because you could definitely full screen these things to get an even more disturbing look.

Um, so to explain rhino sex, it basically just looks like they do it doggy style. I didn't find any evidence of them using their horns for foreplay, which seems like a waste, because I think some freaky rhino ladies might be into that. Hell, some of the less conventional fellas might be into it as well.

Oh, and to satisfy all the readers who are looking for pictures of a sexy rhino, this should do:
Now THAT'S a sexy rhino.

Friday, December 14, 2012

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.
Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.
Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.
Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Mystery of the Cut Ballsack

Get it? Mystery.

Hey guys, we need to talk. Here's the situation: I went out for a run on Saturday morning. It was a rather cold day, so I bundled up and hit the streets. Ten miles later I made it home feeling fine...or so I thought. After eating a banana and washing it down slowly with a glass of water, I decided it was time to hit the shower.

Everything seemed normal as I stripped naked until I was down to nothing but my compression shorts. As I took off my last layer of clothing before hopping in the shower, I noticed something alarming. There was blood in my shorts. Uh, that's not good. My initial reaction was that maybe I wiped too hard and tore my anus a little bit, but, without reaching up in there, I determined that everything was fine on my backside. After further inspection, I noticed that I had a cut near the bottom of my ballsack. I had one thought:

How in the hell did that happen?

Now the most obvious culprit was that there was chafing during my run, and that caused a small cut on my ballsack. Although that theory has legs, I have some serious doubts. Not only was I wearing compression shorts to keep everything tight downstairs, I put on another small pair of boxer briefs over that to keep everything warm on my run. On top of that, I had Under Armour running pants. There should not have been enough jostling to cause this to happen.

I began to think back and realized that I did some manscaping on Thursday. I do not do a full shave, but I suppose it is possible that I could have clipped myself while trimming. Pain don't hurt, so maybe I just didn't notice. Still, I did not notice any blood until two days later. have I been bleeding for 48 hours without noticing it? That seems far-fetched, because I am not tough enough to bleed for 48 hours out of my ballsack without shedding some tears.

Finally, I had to wear a cup to jiu jitsu on Thursday night, so that could have caused some chafing. It doesn't fit that well, so that could have been the culprit. Still, that was far earlier than Saturday morning, so I feel like I would have noticed that earlier.

Was it manscaping? Was it a faulty cup? Was it simply the stress of running? Sadly, I will never know, but I'm really glad we talked.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Don't "Get" The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I don't get the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Now, to most people, that comment makes me sound retarded, and if history has taught me anything, it is that me being retareded is always a very real possibility. Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Most of you are probably thinking, "Hey, Hott Joe, it's hot chicks in lingerie, what's not to love?"

And I understand that. But, with the internet, I can see hot chicks in lingerie at any time that I want. I can see hot chicks with no lingerie at all. That's right; there's naked chicks on the internet. In fact, I don't have the mental capacity to think of something that I would want to see a woman doing that I could not find on the internet.

Could I find women dressed up as clowns having sex with a priest? For sure. Could I see a woman having sex with any animal? Probably, but these are not things I want to see, because these are the types of things that a person cannot unsee.

In porn, are the women as beautiful? Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no, they are not. Even the best in the biz have a snaggle tooth or recent black eye. But I can watch these women do unspeakable things, and I can do it ANY TIME I PLEASE. I have to wait once a year to see a lingerie fashion show with better looking women, but that payoff doesn't quite seem worth it.

The strongest argument is that a little mystery can be sexy, but I'm going to be honest with myself. I'm never going to see a supermodel naked in person. It's just not something that is going to happen. It's not something that I have ever really aspired to have happen, so I'm okay that I'm probably past the point where I can get myself into a wacky enough situation to conjure that one up.

What I'm trying to say is fuck mystery; show me the whole kit and caboodle. In conclusion...

Porn > Lingerie Fashion Show

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My Number One Fan

So, out of pure boredom, I decided to check recent comments on the blog (there are rarely any) when I came across some gems. I found that one user had been very active over a two day stretch, and he immediately became my favorite commenter. User 875b3562-3b7a-11e2-9868-000bcdcb5194 is my new number one fan. I know the name doesn't quite role off the tongue, but this string of comments brought me incredible joy. It all started when he came across the blog by looking up a song that I am guessing that he enjoyed, Thomas Rhett's Beer With Jesus. Needless to say, we very much differed on our opinions of this song.

So, Hott Joe, nice name by the way. I can't help but think it should be Not Hott Joe. :) I am curious as to what kind of classy, non white trash music you listen to based on your comment, “…I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to.” Personally, I listen to a little bit of everything (except pop, alternative screamer, or just plain annoying music) including songs about partying and drinking along with songs by Thomas Rhett. I would say there’s a lot of pure crap on country radio such as Taylor Swift, The Band Perry, etc. but I completely disagree with your review of “Beer with Jesus” and Thomas Rhett. Good songs are ones that that make you think and make you feel. Obviously you thought quite about this song while breaking it down. Thomas Rhett is a good songwriter because his music does connect to people, it makes you think, and it can be amusing too. All of his songs sound really good or even better acoustic and to me that is a very good indicator that someone can really sing and write. Too much music of all genres is “overprocessed”. I would agree with the other person who commented that this song is about a conversation with Jesus. After all isn’t that what praying really should be – a conversation and developing a relationship with Jesus? Whether the conversation happens in a bar, while taking a walk, driving a car, in a church, in a jail, on a battlefield, or wherever it’s about the connection not about where you are. Don’t you think that’s how Jesus would want to connect to people (just like he did 2,000+ year ago) by being personal, talking, and creating a bond? What do good friends do? They hang out, they have a drink, they have a meal, they relax, and they talk. I don’t think Jesus would be like those dumbass evangelists in those mega-church auditoriums trying to make everyone swoon around them and asking for all their money! So after wasting my time reading your review I would have to say to other readers “I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that.”

The only thing that I would really like to point out about this entire post is that if you are going to mock my GOD GIVEN name of Hott Joe in a simple manner, please refer to me as Nott Hott Joe. Otherwise, the people who come after you will have trouble remembering which one has two t's and which only has one. It just makes it easier for everyone.

Back to the point at hand: Does this anonymous person hate me? In the immortal words of Lee Corso, not so fast, my friend. Instead of giving his opinion and leaving to never be heard from again, he decided to check out some other things on the blog. He decided to read about my hatred for the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial, and this is what he had to say:

Got a good laugh out of this. I do think I might hate the girl Verizon commerical just a little bit more. Why the f*** would Drew Brees be at a barbeque with her?

Uh oh, we are starting to agree on things. Still, the girl is not nearly as bad as the guy. That damn Under Armour shirt pisses me off to no end. I do have to agree that Drew Brees should not be hanging out with a woman who reminds me of Gail the Snail.

Our friend then moved onto the worst people on the planet series that I wrote a few years back. His taste in humor seemed to be maturing rapidly as shown by this comment:

I laughed my ass off. Looking forward to Part 2!

Finally, he brought it full circle by going back to the post on Beer with Jesus and wrote this:

Definitely should have read some of your other stuff first... before I took your song review as half-ass serious. Dolphin sex!? Soaking??? I just may have to "like" you on facebook.

And the 180 degree turn is complete. I now have a new number one fan. Thank you anonymous reader. You are a shining beacon of hope in a dark world that considers me a jackass.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Return of the Greg McElroy

I am not the world's biggest Greg McElroy fan. I'm sure his friends and family root for him more vigorously than I do. But I am probably McElroy's biggest fan in the state of Iowa, and that's not too shabby. It started during his college career as he always did a great job of leading the Alabama offense. Him and Julio Jones created one of the most efficient duos in college football. They weren't they most dynamic or feared, because that's not how Alabama's offense rolls. Still, McElroy was impressive enough for me to name him the most underrated QB in the 2011 Draft.

In 2011, Greg was drafted by the New York Jets. It was a pretty ideal situation, because I was never and will never be a believer in Mark Sanchez. He seems like a nice guy, but he's simply not good at being a quarterback. I knew it was only a matter of time. Finally, Greg got his chance. After three Sanchez interceptions, bringing his total to like 100 for the year, Rex Ryan had seen enough and decided to go with G-Mac. The Mack Daddy did not let him down, as he heroically led his team down the field for the game winning score. They could have scored again, but Shonn Greene downed the ball on the one yard line, because the Jets are a classy team with G-Mac leading the crew.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't prove a whole lot, but it is good to see McElroy having some mild success in his first real action. As I said before the draft, I didn't see a star, but I saw a serviceable quarterback. The Jets defense has quietly been very good again this year, and a serviceable QB like McElroy could make them a dangerous team in the future. Plus, if he came out to this song...

...he would become the most popular player in NFL history.

Friday, November 30, 2012

My Reaction to the Non-Firing of Greg Davis

Earlier this week, Kirk Ferentz said that Greg Davis would be back with Iowa next year as far as he knew. Although this does leave the door open for Davis to quit, it's probably not going to happen, since he is visiting a recruit this weekend. This basically eliminates all hope for the 2013 Iowa football season. Instead of being sad about this, it has just made me extremely cynical. A friend of mine who went to Iowa State immediately texted me to talk about the great news:

Iowa State Friend: Greg Davis needs this second year to get the horizontal offense completely built in.
Me: Watch out world. He is becoming a BETTER coach.
ISF: Imagine his skill level during the 2018 season. It's going to be poetry in motion.
Me: It will be so horizontal that there will be a replay of every dropped pass to see if it was incomplete or a fumble.
ISF: Greg Davis's crowning achievement will be the first time that his football team covers 400 actual yards with only gaining 10 offensive yards in a game. It will be glorious.
Me: He hasn't done that yet?
ISF: Got close at Texas, but one of his insane athletes screwed it up and actually busted a two yard hook for an actual gain.
Me: Idiot. Don't have to worry about that with Iowa players.
ISF: And that is why Iowa is perfect for him; it's not like Ferentz is ever going to fire anyone.
Me: We really need Greg Davis to get caught smoking weed. Kirk hates weed smokers.
ISF: Those damn weed heads ruin programs, not awful clock management.
Me: There is no such thing as clock management. There is a clock, but it's not like Kirk is some sort of god who can stop time.
ISF: Not a time stopping god? that is your opinion, but I doubt Kirk shares it. You'd be amazed what that wall of protection money can buy.
Me: Kirk spends all of his money on gum.
ISF: Explains the impressive jaw line.
Me: It's definitely money well spent.

So the two big takeaways here are that Kirk has a very good jaw line, and I am probably not going to be super pumped for this season unless Greg Davis starts hanging out with Afroman. Go Hawkeyes!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Pissed Myself Playing NBA Jam

So I set out a a goal a couple weeks ago to do three posts a week on this blog. Last week was an epic failure, as I did not post a single thing. Sure, I could use the holidays as an excuse, but honestly, I had way more free time than normal last week. I was just really lazy. To punish myself, I will share an embarrassing story.

I once pissed myself playing NBA Jam. I was far past the age where I should have been peeing my pants, but I stand by the decisions that led to this outcome.

Kirby Puckett was my favorite baseball player growing up. Because of that, my family took a little vacay up to the Twin Cities to catch a baseball game and go to the Mall of America. The baseball game was rather uneventful. Kirby Puckett nearly threw me a baseball after my brother hollered at him, but his throw went to the little douchebags to the left of us who brought gloves to the game. I also remember being along the third base line at the front of the second level and still being scared to utter anything that Kirby Puckett might hear, because he was basically a god to me at that point in my life.

Anyway, the Mall of America. I was a ten-year-old boy (Yes, I was ten at the time of this, not a big deal. Let's get past this) who had to think malls were stupid, because that's what boys do. Still, this mall was legit. It had a roller-coaster that looked safe, which was important, because I was a gigantic pussy as a child.

They also had an arcade, which is the only other thing that I remember about the world's biggest mall. NBA Jam was the hottest game at the time, and I had it all to myself to destroy the evil computer gods in basketball with my two homies, Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant. Pippen was my favorite player, so he took all the shots, while Grant was there for rebounds and moral support.

So, surprisingly, because I was a ten-year-old with limited coordination, I was kicking ass at NBA Jam. After winning like two or three games in a row, I was playing the Charlotte Hornets. I had realized that I had to pee for quite a while, but I had already put my quarters in, so I certainly couldn't leave the machine. So, there I was, ten-years-old, battling the Charlotte Hornets in a back-and-forth battle, while doing the peepee dance. As time was ticking down, I stopped doing the dance, and the pee came trickling down. I was pissing down my leg while battling Kendall Gill and Larry Johnson. I knew this was bad, but goddamn, did I want to bash in the Hornets' brains, and I really didn't want to let Scottie down. Unfortunately, I ended up losing the game. I was finally able to leave the machine and let the rest of my pee out in a urinal, you know, like most three-year-olds are able to do.

There was literally piss running down my leg at one point, and I was hoping that me wiping it away like it was sweat would be a smooth maneuver. I am assuming that at least one person from my family noticed, and I would just like to thank them for not saying anything. I have been holding this story in for 18 years, as sharing it any earlier would have probably led to a lot of lot of sessions with a psychiatrist.

Much like letting that piss out while playing NBA Jam, I feel relieved.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I Hope I'm Not a Ghost

Something seriously concerning has happened over the last few days. I have been eating my normal food, doing my normal workouts, basically, everything has been fairly normal for me the last few days. But I noticed something odd on Friday night that has continued to today. I'm farting at my normal pace of like 20 times a day. Maybe that's high for a normal person, but I always go above and beyond, so it should be no different when passing gas. The concerning part is that my farts, although sometimes loud and proud, have produced no odor. I've been really squeezing hard to get that gas out, and even giving myself a cup of soup just to make sure I'm not missing anything, but still, nothing.

Anyway, I am writing this only to prove that I have not become a ghost. As the great philosopher, Rene Descartes, once said, "I blog, therefore I am," so I really hope this publishes.

UPDATE: The drought is over, and my fart swagger is back. It just took a lot of homemade tacos where I went heavy on the refried beans. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Who Has It Worse: Iowa or Michigan State Fans?

As I sat through another shockingly bad Iowa Hawkeye effort today against Michigan, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm past the depressing part of the season. I'm past being even bummed out about things. It's just comical at this point. Iowa is not good at football. They are not good on offense; they are not good on defense, and I guess they're kinda okay on special teams. Right now, I'm just hanging on to the fact that Greg Davis only got a one year deal, because of a technicality, so maybe Barta will put the pressure on Ferentz to give him the boot, because that offense is really depressing (Note: It did not seem as depressing today. I think that this is because it was fun to see Weisman back and I love seeing tight ends utilized. Still, the stats are proof that it was still quite awful).

But that's where I'm at now with the Hawkeyes: Indifference. I just don't care. Now if you want a really depressing situation, just look to another team in the Legends division in Michigan State. Now THAT is a depressing situation. They were one of the favorites to win the Legends division this year and instead have just one more win than Iowa. Outside of losing 20-3 to a Notre Dame team that is still undefeated, they have been right in every game. Look at these other losses:

Going into the game at 3-1, they lost to Ohio State by one point, 17-16. Ohio State, much like Notre Dame is still undefeated.

Two weeks later, they lose in double overtime, 19-16. They lost that game to IOWA. That loss is looking worse and worse as the season goes on. How did they lose that game? I watched it and still had trouble figuring it out. But, sure enough, they lost to Iowa. That alone is enough for fans to start cutting themselves just so they can feel again.

The next week, they played their in-state rival, Michigan, and lost 12-10. They were up 10-9 with two minutes to go before Michigan drove 41 yards before kicking a field goal with five seconds left. That's a pretty depressing way to lose a football game.

Two weeks later, after an inspiring win over Wisconsin in overtime, they lose to Nebraska 28-24, because Taylor Martinez who is as good at throwing footballs as I am at having babies, threw a touchdown pass with six seconds left in the fourth quarter to give them the lead.

And now today, they lose to Northwestern. As Michigan State was trying to get the ball back, they forced an incomplete pass from Northwestern on third down. Unfortunately, Johnny Adams, their best cornerback, committed a stupid pass interference penalty. They gained some more yards, and took some more time off the clock. MSU finally gets the ball back, gets to fourth down where Andrew Maxwell nails Sims down the middle before he loses the football. They ended up calling it an incomplete, but Northwestern recovered it even it was a fumble, so there was no point in challenging the call. They lost 23-20 either way.

Outside of Andrew Maxwell, Michigan State seems like a good team, yet they only have one more win than Iowa team that is most certainly not a good team. So, yeah, it's awful to be a Hawkeye fan, but it's far less heartbreaking than cheering for Michigan State.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Breaking Down the Lyrics of IMx's "First Time"

In my pursuit to comment on relevant things in the media, I have decided that it is time to look at a song that is over a decade old and probably not all that memorable for most people. The song is by IMx (also known as Immature, something I just found out by looking at their Wikipedia page), and it is called "First Time." If you do not know this song, you are probably in the majority. This song peaked at #69 (LOL) on the hip hop charts. It never even made it to the top 100 on the regular billboard charts. I seriously have no clue why I even have this song on my iPod. I have no idea where I would have even heard this song. I am not and was never hip enough to know anything about Hip Hop. But words cannot express how much I love this song. I have never listened to this song without laughing out loud. The lyrics are so wonderful, and that is why I want to break this song down, so you can enjoy it as much as I do. Before we do, refresh yourself on what a wonderful song it is, or enjoy it for the first time.

Now onto the lyrics:


[x3]
La la la la la la...
la la la la
la la la la la la la..

You know what they're trying to do right here? Set the mood. Ladies and gentleman, I deem this operation a total success.

See, normally a brother wouldn't talk about his first time

Except every guy ever who immediately brags to his friends about how some girl was dumb enough to let him put his weewee in her happy hole. That means penis in vagina for those of you who don't use the mature terminology.

But I'll just be real with y'all and say what's on my mind 
I remember like yesterday, just a little man 

What are we guessing, 14 years old? Is that what qualifies as a little man? It probably does, which means he definitely started before I did. It is amazing how people were so unconcerned about cooties in different parts of the country. I researched the shit out of that before I made any physical contact with a girl.

Had no clue, just quite didn't understand 
Looked up to big bro for a little advice 

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You are 14, so you probably should ask your big brother if this is a good idea. I am sure your brother shared with you how important sex is, and how this is a really big deal and you need to be careful. I am sure he was very thoughtful with how he chose his words.

He said "Young bro, whatever you do, just make sure you strap twice" 

THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER. What kind of family did this kid come from? Did I miss out by not asking my big bro about sex at a young age? Would he have given this sort of brilliant advice to me? As a 14 year old, would I have known to wear two condoms, or would I have heard enough rap music to think that I should bring two guns, because, you know, bitches be crazy. Looking back, I am very glad that I was not a sexually active 14 year old.

I was a little bit nervous about being my first time 
But I said "What the hell this girl is too damn fine" 

A few years ago, I was looking through my middle school yearbook. I remember who I thought was really hot back then. I looked at the pictures, and let me make an official blog proclamation, no 14 year old girl is "too damn fine."

[Chorus] 
My very first time 
In the house, on the couch, in your parents' bedroom remember 

Why do her parents have a couch in their bedroom? Problems between Mom and Dad? Probably; that's why their daughter is having sex at such an early age. Proper morals start at home. If Dad had to move a couch into the bedroom just so he would have a place to sleep in peace, clearly things are not going well.

My very first time 
Can't wait 'til the day when I see you again remember 

Dude, you probably biked over there. You could see her tomorrow. I wouldn't think that many parents would see a boy come over and immediately think that you had sex with their daughter the day before. Unless they can smell it on you, and seriously, if that is the case, take a shower, you probably smell awful.

My very first time 
It was just as special to me as it was to you girl 
My very first time 
Will never forget my first time 

See it was Sunday afternoon, moms and pops were gone 

Probably having a lovely afternoon at the Home Depot.

We had to be on the low cuz they were on their way home 

You probably should have started shortly after they left. Not right before they were about to get home.

We started kissing then it led straight to the bed 
Can't believe this is happenin' is what I'm thinking in my head 
Lasted like a minute but it seemed like forever 

I really appreciate his honesty. I could write a simliar song, but I'm not sure how I would rhyme with "multiple orgasms." I don't know, maybe, "filled her chasm," but I'm just workshopping right now.

We almost got caught but I'm just too damn clever 

It wasn't your cleverness that got you out of that situation, it was that it lasted a minute. If you could rob a bank in one minute, it would probably be a whole lot easier to get away with it.

Your parents came home from church and i was outta there like a drop of a dime

Woah, woah, woah. Let's slow down here. Her parents weren't at Home Depot; they were at church? She skipped church to bang you for a minute? Shit dude, don't warp it twice, wrap it thrice. Safety first, brah.

Man I will never forget my first time

The sores still haven't gone away, have they?

This goes out to the first do you know 
when will I see you again (see you again) 
And no matter how old we both get no regrets I'll never forget 
My first time 

I'm sure that she has a few regrets. Her one minute of sex just got her a one-way ticket to hell.

[Chorus] 

See some of you might've started early, some of you started late 
But I know when I started, man, I thought it was great 
This goes out to all my little brothers in the world 
Make sure your first time's with that special girl 

The one that requires a double wrap on your dong.

Clap your hands if you remember (clap your hands) 
your first time (first time), your first time (first time) 
Clap your hands (clap your hands with me) 
if you remember your first time (your first time), your first time baby 

You can bet your ass that I clap every time I hear this part of the song, and I would expect you to do the same.

[Chorus x2]

So that is why I love this song so much. It never fails to make me smile. So clap your hands, fill that chasm, and whatever you do, make sure you strap twice.

Friday, November 9, 2012

A New Era of Quarterback Development

One of the hot stories in the NFL has been how well the rookies have performed this year. There was a similar story last year as people were rightfully impressed with what players like Cam Newton and Andy Dalton did last year. There is no denying it; these guys have far exceeded my expectations in their rookie year. 

But I don't think this means that we're in some golden age for quarterbacks. I think that the NFL has just done a much better job with quarterback development. One huge cause is the rise of passing in college football. It was only about 15 years ago when Nebraska was kicking the shit out of people using the option with players like Eric Crouch and Tommie Frazier (Note: If a Nebraska fan is reading this, it was 15 years ago, get over yourselves). College offenses have become much more complicated, and it has no doubt helped quarterback development. 

The other big key has been that offensive coordinators are adjusting their schemes to more closely align with what they were successful with during college. It has created new schemes in the NFL, because the NFL is following college football's lead on innovation. That was definitely not the case until very recently, but college coaches have more freedom to experiment and fail, where NFL coaches have every decision questioned.

But just because these guys are doing so well in their rookie year does not mean that they are going to become superstars. I feel like Andrew Luck is the only guy who I would be shocked if he did not somehow become a superstar quarterback. Everybody else has question marks in my mind. I will openly admit that I have loved Andrew Luck since the beginning of his sophomore year, and I do mean that in a slightly gay way, because watching him pick apart defenses does give me a chub on occasions.

I am not completely sold on RGIII. And the reason has to do with Cam Newton's step back this year. These two are far, far different quarterbacks, but they do both rely on their running abilities to gain yards and open up passing opportunities. RGIII does it with pure speed, and Newton does it with power and a good amount of speed. But the one thing they have in common is that they are in a scheme that is new to most NFL defenses. It is something that they are not running up against with other teams. 

It's a lot like going up against Georgia Tech in college. Their spread option causes opponents a lot of issues, not because of the talent on the field as much as how different it is to face than any other college offense. It takes a while to get used to all of that misdirection, and it can really throw off defenses. But when Iowa played them in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, their offense got overwhelmed as the Hawkeyes had enough time to prepare for their offense and dominated.

Obviously, NFL defenses are not going to have six consecutive bye weeks to prepare for a team, but, for the most part, there are better coaches in the NFL than college. They are going to find things to pick up on and strategies to counteract what is working for the Redskins. I think RGIII is good enough to counter the counter, because his accuracy is far better than Newton's, but I could see there being an issue. It's very likely he becomes a great quarterback, but I wouldn't be shocked if he was more in the top 15 starters than the top 5. 

With Ryan Tannehill, Russell Wilson, and Brandon Weeden, they have shown flashes of being good quarterbacks (Weeden less than the other two), but they are also quarterbacks who have benefited from their coaches designing offenses to emphasize their strengths. When I type that sentence, it is really amazing that teams were not doing this before, but teams more tried to find quarterbacks who would fit in their system than making a system that fit them. Out of these three guys, I would say that Tannehill has the best shot of being a top 10 quarterback, and I give him a 25% chance of doing that. That sounds bad, but it is really tough to become a top 10 quarterback these days. Outside of Blaine Gabbert, there are not many bad quarterbacks in the NFL. I mean, a guy like Joe Flacco goes to the playoffs every year, and you could make the argument that he is not one of the top 20 quarterbacks in the league. 

It's too early to get super excited about what is happening with these guys. They are having better rookie years than their predecessors, but they are in a different era than those guys. The second year is the new rookie year, where if guys are succeeding in year two, it is time to be impressed...except for with Andrew Luck, because he's the greatest.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day
Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!
Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!
The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#
Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.
Praying for America and our future. This is scary.
We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.
Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Iowa Is Better Than New York

Most New Yorkers had no idea that this is where Iowa is located.

East coast bias has finally pushed me over the edge, which means I'm going to write a blog (that'll show 'em; that'll show 'em real good). New York is not the center of the universe, but you would never know that by turning on a television or an internet. Everything is about how New York is affected by things. New Yorkers have a superiority complex for no reason. I will not only prove that New York and their people are not better than anybody else, I will completely shame them and prove that Iowans are even better than them.

The Yankees are the greatest team in anything ever.

No, they aren't. My Dad's Club soccer team dominated everyone we played for years. I didn't even know that losing was something that happened to people early on in my life. One year, we outscored opponents like 100-2 and one of those goals was scored in a shootout (where I kicked the goal to win the championship, and I always want to tell that story, but for some reason, nobody ever brings up 2nd grade soccer these days). Now that was a great team. We didn't use our resources to give us an unfair advantage, just some orange slices and the promise of a pizza party at the end of the year. So, seriously, do your goddamn research before making a stupid claim like that.

New York has the best entertainment in the world.

Ooh, look at New Yorkers, with your fancy Broadway shows? Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Sure, you probably have better entertainment options than Iowans. But most of you aren't cultured enough to recognize the differences between Broadway and my local play's talents. You're just watching things on a nicer stage. Plus, you need these fancy entertainment options to occupy your time. All Iowans need is a field and someone who knows how to build a fire, which everyone in Iowa knows how to do (except me). You build a fire, you drink a bunch of beer, somebody does something really stupid, you have a good laugh about it and pass out in your cars. Now that's a night out.

You don't want to mess with me, I'm from New York.

So? This is a common theme, where people who grew up in New York think they are tougher than people from other places in the world. Let's look at one of the few great fighters from New York, Jon Jones. He might be the best mixed martial artist in the world right now, and guess what? When he wanted to get tougher, he moved to the state of Iowa to wrestle. If any state should be bragging about how they are tough from being from a place, it should be Iowans. Everybody wrestles in the state, and we're pretty damn awesome at it. Also, during my formative years, I grew up 15 minutes from what was considered the best MMA Training Camp in the world. If you could get tougher from osmosis, I would be one of the baddest men on the planet. Unfortunately, you can't. And I'm a pussy. So being from New York doesn't make you a fighter; it doesn't make you tough, but clearly, it does make you delusional. 

New York has the best people in the world.

This is somehow the worst. 9/11 was a complete and total tragedy. I am not here to make light of that. Hurricane Sandy seems bad, but it seems to be no Katrina. Yet New Yorkers act as if they are the only ones who know how to persevere during a tragedy. New York people come together in rough times in ways that no other people possibly could. And that's a bunch of bullshit. 9/11 was a tragedy, and New York survived, which was good, but seriously, what were you supposed to do? Just sit in your small studio apartments and rot and die out of depression? Grow up. Iowans would have done the same thing, but we would have just done it. It wouldn't have been something innate about us being from Iowa. It would have just been us doing what needed to be done, BECAUSE IOWANS ARE THE GREATEST (as long as you ignore our weight issues, lack of jobs, and still prevalent racism. And really who pays attention to those minor issues?). Suck it, New York.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Breaking Down The Lyrics of Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus"

I usually don't listen to the radio in the car, as I'd rather crank up the iPod and listen to some podcasts (Seriously, listen to My Brother, My Brother, and Me). The other day, I forgot my iPod, so I was stuck searching for whatever music was available. I switched to a country station, because I used to like country. I don't really like it too much anymore, but I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to. Instead, I heard Thomas Rhett's "Beer With Jesus." If you would like to listen to the song, I have embedded it below, but I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that:

You didn't think it could be that bad, did you? It's so horrifically white trash that I just had to break down each and every awful lyric of this song.

If I could have a beer with Jesus

This is the point where my jaw dropped while listening to the song. I nearly swerved off the road, but I was able to keep a semblance of composure. But, I mean...fuck, seriously? I cannot imagine having this white trash of a thought. This is the same level of intelligence that leads to people drinking drano. "It unclogs drains, and I have been feeling a little backed up lately." Why? Why would you write a song about a hypothetical opportunity to have a beer with Jesus? It's got to be a side effect of being inbred.

Heaven knows I’d sip it nice and slow

Because Heaven knows all, DURR!

I’d try to pick a place that ain’t too crowded
Or gladly go wherever he wants to go

Shit, you ever think that maybe Jesus would want to go to church? Since that's all he preached about while on Earth. No, I'm sure he'd want to go to a bar with some white trash country singer to have a fucking Miller Lite. What a great use of Jesus' time. I hope somebody slips Jesus ecstasy and he spends the whole night dancing with glow-sticks.

You can bet I’d order up a couple tall ones

Thanks for getting beers instead of asking what Jesus wants, you selfish prick.

Tell the waitress put ‘em on my tab

Well, at least Jesus doesn't have to pay for the swill you are about to order him.

I’d be sure to let him do the talkin’

I imagine Rhett just staring at Jesus, and Jesus staring back, each waiting for the other one to start the conversation. Rhett is doing it, because he's creepy and not very good with people. Jesus doing it, because he's polite, and Rhett did invite him here to talk.

Careful when I got the chance to ask

This is right before the refrain, and I have to say that the suspense was killing me during this short break, because I knew he was going to say something stupid, but I had no idea how stupid it was going to be. Needless to say, he did not disappoint.

How’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me

I have read this line 50 times, and it still makes no sense. How did Jesus turning the other cheek save you? Wait, did you punch Jesus? And do you see him as The Ultimate Fighter that could just crush you if he wasn't willing to turn the other cheek? Who the hell taught you about Jesus?

Do you hear the prayers I send
What happens when life ends
And when you think you’re comin’ back again
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

The arrogance of this asshole to think Jesus is going to reveal his master plan to him? And then blatantly telling Jesus that he would ruin the surprise. Also, anytime he mentions beer with Jesus, I lose my shit, because it is beyond white trash. If this song speaks to you, you should not be allowed to speak to other people.

If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d put my whole paycheck in that jukebox

His whole paycheck in the jukebox? Since we have established that he is white trash, we will give him $300 for his paycheck. At 50 cents a song and 3 minutes a song, that's 30 hours of music. Great, the only place you can take Jesus to is Vegas, so you have a bar that will stay open for 30 hours. And honestly, you'll probably get kicked out, since, even with a 16 ounce beer, you will be drinking half an ounce an hour. I'm sure the waitress will fucking love you two.

Fill it up with nothing but the good stuff

You know damn well that he is playing 30 straight hours of this song. Thomas Rhett is that awful and that clueless.

Sit somewhere we couldn’t see a clock

Clearly, Thomas Rhett sees Jesus as an impatient asshole who is just going to be staring at his watch the entire time, so no clocks around. But really, if he was with you, he would have no choice. You are wasting his time. Let Jesus turn more water into booze, and pick up chicks with his walk on water trick. Ladies love magic like that.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
Have you been there from the start

I imagine Jesus immediately replying "No" to this question, and then confronting Thomas for clearly NEVER reading a goddamn bible. Dude, there is this thing called the Old Testament, Jesus, like believes in that book, and it all happened before him.

How’d you change a sinner’s heart

By making him listen to this song until he changed his evil ways. Torture is a magnificent tool.

And is heaven really just beyond the stars
I’d tell everyone, but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

He can probably only stay, for just a couple rounds
But I hope and pray he’s stayin’ till we shut the whole place down

I'm worried for Jesus' safety. Clearly, Thomas Rhett is not a thinking man, but he seems determined to spend as much time with Jesus as possible. I hope Jesus has his all-knowing powers turned on, because there is a very good chance that Thomas Rhett is planning to roofie him, tie him up in his basement, and have beers with Jesus for the rest of his life.

Ask him how’d you turn the other cheek
To save a sorry soul like me
What’s on the other side?
Is mom and daddy alright?
And if it ain’t no trouble tell them I said hi

Your plan has been to get Jesus shitty beers, make him listen to 30 hours of his music, and roofie him. Saying hi is the least of his troubles.

I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus
I’d tell everyone but no one would believe it
If I could have a beer with Jesus

Jesus got nailed to a cross, and I guarantee he'd take that 100 times over before he would have a beer with Thomas Rhett. Dying for our sins is one thing, listening to this song is a whole nother level of sacrifice. Let's face it; Jesus got off easy.