Friday, November 30, 2012

My Reaction to the Non-Firing of Greg Davis

Earlier this week, Kirk Ferentz said that Greg Davis would be back with Iowa next year as far as he knew. Although this does leave the door open for Davis to quit, it's probably not going to happen, since he is visiting a recruit this weekend. This basically eliminates all hope for the 2013 Iowa football season. Instead of being sad about this, it has just made me extremely cynical. A friend of mine who went to Iowa State immediately texted me to talk about the great news:

Iowa State Friend: Greg Davis needs this second year to get the horizontal offense completely built in.
Me: Watch out world. He is becoming a BETTER coach.
ISF: Imagine his skill level during the 2018 season. It's going to be poetry in motion.
Me: It will be so horizontal that there will be a replay of every dropped pass to see if it was incomplete or a fumble.
ISF: Greg Davis's crowning achievement will be the first time that his football team covers 400 actual yards with only gaining 10 offensive yards in a game. It will be glorious.
Me: He hasn't done that yet?
ISF: Got close at Texas, but one of his insane athletes screwed it up and actually busted a two yard hook for an actual gain.
Me: Idiot. Don't have to worry about that with Iowa players.
ISF: And that is why Iowa is perfect for him; it's not like Ferentz is ever going to fire anyone.
Me: We really need Greg Davis to get caught smoking weed. Kirk hates weed smokers.
ISF: Those damn weed heads ruin programs, not awful clock management.
Me: There is no such thing as clock management. There is a clock, but it's not like Kirk is some sort of god who can stop time.
ISF: Not a time stopping god? that is your opinion, but I doubt Kirk shares it. You'd be amazed what that wall of protection money can buy.
Me: Kirk spends all of his money on gum.
ISF: Explains the impressive jaw line.
Me: It's definitely money well spent.

So the two big takeaways here are that Kirk has a very good jaw line, and I am probably not going to be super pumped for this season unless Greg Davis starts hanging out with Afroman. Go Hawkeyes!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I Pissed Myself Playing NBA Jam

So I set out a a goal a couple weeks ago to do three posts a week on this blog. Last week was an epic failure, as I did not post a single thing. Sure, I could use the holidays as an excuse, but honestly, I had way more free time than normal last week. I was just really lazy. To punish myself, I will share an embarrassing story.

I once pissed myself playing NBA Jam. I was far past the age where I should have been peeing my pants, but I stand by the decisions that led to this outcome.

Kirby Puckett was my favorite baseball player growing up. Because of that, my family took a little vacay up to the Twin Cities to catch a baseball game and go to the Mall of America. The baseball game was rather uneventful. Kirby Puckett nearly threw me a baseball after my brother hollered at him, but his throw went to the little douchebags to the left of us who brought gloves to the game. I also remember being along the third base line at the front of the second level and still being scared to utter anything that Kirby Puckett might hear, because he was basically a god to me at that point in my life.

Anyway, the Mall of America. I was a ten-year-old boy (Yes, I was ten at the time of this, not a big deal. Let's get past this) who had to think malls were stupid, because that's what boys do. Still, this mall was legit. It had a roller-coaster that looked safe, which was important, because I was a gigantic pussy as a child.

They also had an arcade, which is the only other thing that I remember about the world's biggest mall. NBA Jam was the hottest game at the time, and I had it all to myself to destroy the evil computer gods in basketball with my two homies, Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant. Pippen was my favorite player, so he took all the shots, while Grant was there for rebounds and moral support.

So, surprisingly, because I was a ten-year-old with limited coordination, I was kicking ass at NBA Jam. After winning like two or three games in a row, I was playing the Charlotte Hornets. I had realized that I had to pee for quite a while, but I had already put my quarters in, so I certainly couldn't leave the machine. So, there I was, ten-years-old, battling the Charlotte Hornets in a back-and-forth battle, while doing the peepee dance. As time was ticking down, I stopped doing the dance, and the pee came trickling down. I was pissing down my leg while battling Kendall Gill and Larry Johnson. I knew this was bad, but goddamn, did I want to bash in the Hornets' brains, and I really didn't want to let Scottie down. Unfortunately, I ended up losing the game. I was finally able to leave the machine and let the rest of my pee out in a urinal, you know, like most three-year-olds are able to do.

There was literally piss running down my leg at one point, and I was hoping that me wiping it away like it was sweat would be a smooth maneuver. I am assuming that at least one person from my family noticed, and I would just like to thank them for not saying anything. I have been holding this story in for 18 years, as sharing it any earlier would have probably led to a lot of lot of sessions with a psychiatrist.

Much like letting that piss out while playing NBA Jam, I feel relieved.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I Hope I'm Not a Ghost

Something seriously concerning has happened over the last few days. I have been eating my normal food, doing my normal workouts, basically, everything has been fairly normal for me the last few days. But I noticed something odd on Friday night that has continued to today. I'm farting at my normal pace of like 20 times a day. Maybe that's high for a normal person, but I always go above and beyond, so it should be no different when passing gas. The concerning part is that my farts, although sometimes loud and proud, have produced no odor. I've been really squeezing hard to get that gas out, and even giving myself a cup of soup just to make sure I'm not missing anything, but still, nothing.

Anyway, I am writing this only to prove that I have not become a ghost. As the great philosopher, Rene Descartes, once said, "I blog, therefore I am," so I really hope this publishes.

UPDATE: The drought is over, and my fart swagger is back. It just took a lot of homemade tacos where I went heavy on the refried beans. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Who Has It Worse: Iowa or Michigan State Fans?

As I sat through another shockingly bad Iowa Hawkeye effort today against Michigan, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm past the depressing part of the season. I'm past being even bummed out about things. It's just comical at this point. Iowa is not good at football. They are not good on offense; they are not good on defense, and I guess they're kinda okay on special teams. Right now, I'm just hanging on to the fact that Greg Davis only got a one year deal, because of a technicality, so maybe Barta will put the pressure on Ferentz to give him the boot, because that offense is really depressing (Note: It did not seem as depressing today. I think that this is because it was fun to see Weisman back and I love seeing tight ends utilized. Still, the stats are proof that it was still quite awful).

But that's where I'm at now with the Hawkeyes: Indifference. I just don't care. Now if you want a really depressing situation, just look to another team in the Legends division in Michigan State. Now THAT is a depressing situation. They were one of the favorites to win the Legends division this year and instead have just one more win than Iowa. Outside of losing 20-3 to a Notre Dame team that is still undefeated, they have been right in every game. Look at these other losses:

Going into the game at 3-1, they lost to Ohio State by one point, 17-16. Ohio State, much like Notre Dame is still undefeated.

Two weeks later, they lose in double overtime, 19-16. They lost that game to IOWA. That loss is looking worse and worse as the season goes on. How did they lose that game? I watched it and still had trouble figuring it out. But, sure enough, they lost to Iowa. That alone is enough for fans to start cutting themselves just so they can feel again.

The next week, they played their in-state rival, Michigan, and lost 12-10. They were up 10-9 with two minutes to go before Michigan drove 41 yards before kicking a field goal with five seconds left. That's a pretty depressing way to lose a football game.

Two weeks later, after an inspiring win over Wisconsin in overtime, they lose to Nebraska 28-24, because Taylor Martinez who is as good at throwing footballs as I am at having babies, threw a touchdown pass with six seconds left in the fourth quarter to give them the lead.

And now today, they lose to Northwestern. As Michigan State was trying to get the ball back, they forced an incomplete pass from Northwestern on third down. Unfortunately, Johnny Adams, their best cornerback, committed a stupid pass interference penalty. They gained some more yards, and took some more time off the clock. MSU finally gets the ball back, gets to fourth down where Andrew Maxwell nails Sims down the middle before he loses the football. They ended up calling it an incomplete, but Northwestern recovered it even it was a fumble, so there was no point in challenging the call. They lost 23-20 either way.

Outside of Andrew Maxwell, Michigan State seems like a good team, yet they only have one more win than Iowa team that is most certainly not a good team. So, yeah, it's awful to be a Hawkeye fan, but it's far less heartbreaking than cheering for Michigan State.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Breaking Down the Lyrics of IMx's "First Time"

In my pursuit to comment on relevant things in the media, I have decided that it is time to look at a song that is over a decade old and probably not all that memorable for most people. The song is by IMx (also known as Immature, something I just found out by looking at their Wikipedia page), and it is called "First Time." If you do not know this song, you are probably in the majority. This song peaked at #69 (LOL) on the hip hop charts. It never even made it to the top 100 on the regular billboard charts. I seriously have no clue why I even have this song on my iPod. I have no idea where I would have even heard this song. I am not and was never hip enough to know anything about Hip Hop. But words cannot express how much I love this song. I have never listened to this song without laughing out loud. The lyrics are so wonderful, and that is why I want to break this song down, so you can enjoy it as much as I do. Before we do, refresh yourself on what a wonderful song it is, or enjoy it for the first time.

Now onto the lyrics:

La la la la la la...
la la la la
la la la la la la la..

You know what they're trying to do right here? Set the mood. Ladies and gentleman, I deem this operation a total success.

See, normally a brother wouldn't talk about his first time

Except every guy ever who immediately brags to his friends about how some girl was dumb enough to let him put his weewee in her happy hole. That means penis in vagina for those of you who don't use the mature terminology.

But I'll just be real with y'all and say what's on my mind 
I remember like yesterday, just a little man 

What are we guessing, 14 years old? Is that what qualifies as a little man? It probably does, which means he definitely started before I did. It is amazing how people were so unconcerned about cooties in different parts of the country. I researched the shit out of that before I made any physical contact with a girl.

Had no clue, just quite didn't understand 
Looked up to big bro for a little advice 

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You are 14, so you probably should ask your big brother if this is a good idea. I am sure your brother shared with you how important sex is, and how this is a really big deal and you need to be careful. I am sure he was very thoughtful with how he chose his words.

He said "Young bro, whatever you do, just make sure you strap twice" 

THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER. What kind of family did this kid come from? Did I miss out by not asking my big bro about sex at a young age? Would he have given this sort of brilliant advice to me? As a 14 year old, would I have known to wear two condoms, or would I have heard enough rap music to think that I should bring two guns, because, you know, bitches be crazy. Looking back, I am very glad that I was not a sexually active 14 year old.

I was a little bit nervous about being my first time 
But I said "What the hell this girl is too damn fine" 

A few years ago, I was looking through my middle school yearbook. I remember who I thought was really hot back then. I looked at the pictures, and let me make an official blog proclamation, no 14 year old girl is "too damn fine."

My very first time 
In the house, on the couch, in your parents' bedroom remember 

Why do her parents have a couch in their bedroom? Problems between Mom and Dad? Probably; that's why their daughter is having sex at such an early age. Proper morals start at home. If Dad had to move a couch into the bedroom just so he would have a place to sleep in peace, clearly things are not going well.

My very first time 
Can't wait 'til the day when I see you again remember 

Dude, you probably biked over there. You could see her tomorrow. I wouldn't think that many parents would see a boy come over and immediately think that you had sex with their daughter the day before. Unless they can smell it on you, and seriously, if that is the case, take a shower, you probably smell awful.

My very first time 
It was just as special to me as it was to you girl 
My very first time 
Will never forget my first time 

See it was Sunday afternoon, moms and pops were gone 

Probably having a lovely afternoon at the Home Depot.

We had to be on the low cuz they were on their way home 

You probably should have started shortly after they left. Not right before they were about to get home.

We started kissing then it led straight to the bed 
Can't believe this is happenin' is what I'm thinking in my head 
Lasted like a minute but it seemed like forever 

I really appreciate his honesty. I could write a simliar song, but I'm not sure how I would rhyme with "multiple orgasms." I don't know, maybe, "filled her chasm," but I'm just workshopping right now.

We almost got caught but I'm just too damn clever 

It wasn't your cleverness that got you out of that situation, it was that it lasted a minute. If you could rob a bank in one minute, it would probably be a whole lot easier to get away with it.

Your parents came home from church and i was outta there like a drop of a dime

Woah, woah, woah. Let's slow down here. Her parents weren't at Home Depot; they were at church? She skipped church to bang you for a minute? Shit dude, don't warp it twice, wrap it thrice. Safety first, brah.

Man I will never forget my first time

The sores still haven't gone away, have they?

This goes out to the first do you know 
when will I see you again (see you again) 
And no matter how old we both get no regrets I'll never forget 
My first time 

I'm sure that she has a few regrets. Her one minute of sex just got her a one-way ticket to hell.


See some of you might've started early, some of you started late 
But I know when I started, man, I thought it was great 
This goes out to all my little brothers in the world 
Make sure your first time's with that special girl 

The one that requires a double wrap on your dong.

Clap your hands if you remember (clap your hands) 
your first time (first time), your first time (first time) 
Clap your hands (clap your hands with me) 
if you remember your first time (your first time), your first time baby 

You can bet your ass that I clap every time I hear this part of the song, and I would expect you to do the same.

[Chorus x2]

So that is why I love this song so much. It never fails to make me smile. So clap your hands, fill that chasm, and whatever you do, make sure you strap twice.

Friday, November 9, 2012

A New Era of Quarterback Development

One of the hot stories in the NFL has been how well the rookies have performed this year. There was a similar story last year as people were rightfully impressed with what players like Cam Newton and Andy Dalton did last year. There is no denying it; these guys have far exceeded my expectations in their rookie year. 

But I don't think this means that we're in some golden age for quarterbacks. I think that the NFL has just done a much better job with quarterback development. One huge cause is the rise of passing in college football. It was only about 15 years ago when Nebraska was kicking the shit out of people using the option with players like Eric Crouch and Tommie Frazier (Note: If a Nebraska fan is reading this, it was 15 years ago, get over yourselves). College offenses have become much more complicated, and it has no doubt helped quarterback development. 

The other big key has been that offensive coordinators are adjusting their schemes to more closely align with what they were successful with during college. It has created new schemes in the NFL, because the NFL is following college football's lead on innovation. That was definitely not the case until very recently, but college coaches have more freedom to experiment and fail, where NFL coaches have every decision questioned.

But just because these guys are doing so well in their rookie year does not mean that they are going to become superstars. I feel like Andrew Luck is the only guy who I would be shocked if he did not somehow become a superstar quarterback. Everybody else has question marks in my mind. I will openly admit that I have loved Andrew Luck since the beginning of his sophomore year, and I do mean that in a slightly gay way, because watching him pick apart defenses does give me a chub on occasions.

I am not completely sold on RGIII. And the reason has to do with Cam Newton's step back this year. These two are far, far different quarterbacks, but they do both rely on their running abilities to gain yards and open up passing opportunities. RGIII does it with pure speed, and Newton does it with power and a good amount of speed. But the one thing they have in common is that they are in a scheme that is new to most NFL defenses. It is something that they are not running up against with other teams. 

It's a lot like going up against Georgia Tech in college. Their spread option causes opponents a lot of issues, not because of the talent on the field as much as how different it is to face than any other college offense. It takes a while to get used to all of that misdirection, and it can really throw off defenses. But when Iowa played them in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, their offense got overwhelmed as the Hawkeyes had enough time to prepare for their offense and dominated.

Obviously, NFL defenses are not going to have six consecutive bye weeks to prepare for a team, but, for the most part, there are better coaches in the NFL than college. They are going to find things to pick up on and strategies to counteract what is working for the Redskins. I think RGIII is good enough to counter the counter, because his accuracy is far better than Newton's, but I could see there being an issue. It's very likely he becomes a great quarterback, but I wouldn't be shocked if he was more in the top 15 starters than the top 5. 

With Ryan Tannehill, Russell Wilson, and Brandon Weeden, they have shown flashes of being good quarterbacks (Weeden less than the other two), but they are also quarterbacks who have benefited from their coaches designing offenses to emphasize their strengths. When I type that sentence, it is really amazing that teams were not doing this before, but teams more tried to find quarterbacks who would fit in their system than making a system that fit them. Out of these three guys, I would say that Tannehill has the best shot of being a top 10 quarterback, and I give him a 25% chance of doing that. That sounds bad, but it is really tough to become a top 10 quarterback these days. Outside of Blaine Gabbert, there are not many bad quarterbacks in the NFL. I mean, a guy like Joe Flacco goes to the playoffs every year, and you could make the argument that he is not one of the top 20 quarterbacks in the league. 

It's too early to get super excited about what is happening with these guys. They are having better rookie years than their predecessors, but they are in a different era than those guys. The second year is the new rookie year, where if guys are succeeding in year two, it is time to be impressed...except for with Andrew Luck, because he's the greatest.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day
Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!
Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!
The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#
Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.
Praying for America and our future. This is scary.
We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.
Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!