Someone Broke Into My Car Last Night

So I went out to my car at 5:30 this morning to hit the gym before work. When I got out there, I saw that my door was slightly ajar. I opened the door and saw that my glove compartment was open. Anyone who has been robbed knows that sinking feeling they get in their stomach when they realize they have been robbed and have to figure out what they lost.

My reaction? Laughter. Uproarious laughter. I have nothing of value in my car. Literally the most valuable thing in there is probably the ice scraper that is in the back, followed closely by an individual bag of peanuts. Let's imagine how that asshole must have felt as he went through the process.

Man, I gotta get me some nice stolen shit tonight. 

(Looks around before finding his target) 

Aw, fuck yeah. A 1998 Ford Escort, and it's GOLD. Man, I better get my crowbar ready, because I know that the owner must keep a bunch of very expensive stuff in there so he makes sure to lock it all the time. 

(Goes to door)

No way. It is unlocked. It is my lucky night. Time to collect my millions in expensive jewels. 

(Opens door)

Well, that's odd. No diamonds on the steering wheel. Maybe he is a cautious owner. Let me check the glove box for all the diamonds. 

(searches for diamonds in glove box) 

What the fuck is going on? This isn't just a 1998 Ford Escort. It's a GOLD 1998 Ford Escort, with a sssiiiiiick ass rear spoiler. This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper; I can't believe he doesn't at least have a few diamonds up in here. Oh well, at least I can steal the CD deck and get $10 from a pawn...oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell keeps the factory tape deck in there? This may be the last tape deck known to mankind. I would steal it, but clearly, the man who owns this is a straight up G who is not to be trifled with. I better get out of here, as I might be dead already.

(skips away from his life of crime to dedicate himself to children's charities)

So, yeah, I am guessing that is how it went down. And he was right, I am not a man to be trifled with. 

Jack Link's Jerky Chew Is The Best

I am a man who enjoys the simpler things in life. There is nothing more simply awesome than Jack Link's Jerky Chew. I know most people think that jerky chew is totally lame, but these people are morons, as jerky chew is probably the most underrated thing in this world. What person doesn't love beef jerky? If you are near anyone who says they don't love beef jerky, please report this person to Homeland Security as they are clearly a terrorist.

Now that we have gotten rid of all of the terrorists, we are all in agreement that beef jerky is freaking awesome. The only issue is that you run out because it is so awesome and you have to eat it as quickly as possible, because no human can stop themselves from that delicious goodness. This is where jerky chew comes in as a single dip can last you a good hour. Imagine an hour of having beef jerky flavor in your mouth. Folks, that is the life I live with Jack Link's Jerky Chew.

Don't listen to the haters. When you bust out that can and start packing it in (and yes, you need to pack it, because packing a can is very manly looking if you do it correctly), they will make fun of you. They will turn their noses up at you, but do not worry. Just pop that dip in, and the haters will become jealous very quickly. Their tune will change quickly as they will also want some of that jerky goodness.

Also, much like people pair wines and cheeses together, I like to pair my Jack Link's Jerky Chew with an ice cold Natty Light on a warm summer day. There isn't a better combo in the world.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 2

If you missed last week's rankings, you can check them out here.

This was another rough week at Stanton-Infeld as California’s favorite Dynamic Duo of law dudes again were involved in zero hot tub scenes. Not only this, but they were not even the duo with the most court room shenanigans this week, but we will get to that soon. Also, how do you have a case about a cheese gun and never show the gun made of cheese? I need a visual, people, not a description. Show, don’t tell. Thank God the guys on Suits are still owning fools. Let’s get to the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Harvey Specter - He is not only playing by his own rules, but he is also right all the time. Sports references? Check, as he compared a man's construction business to the Colts losing Peyton Manning. Bad puns? You bet your ass as he said, "Take it to the bank," as they were heading to the bank. He completely owned the bank lady only to have Jessica tell him to not own the bank lady so he can get business dude on their side. So he agrees to do that, but that was just so he could totally surprise business dude in their meeting by doing the exact opposite of what Jessica told him. He helped a man live the American Dream, hence he deserves to live his dream by being number one in the rankings this week.

2. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is at it again as he is straight hiring constuction crews to erect a new office for him and giving out free gifts to everyone on staff. Although it may seem like he took a step backwards since he was number one last week, this is actually a feather in his cap as he never even made an appearance in this episode and still ranks this high (I could use a new laptop, HARDMAN, just sayin').

3. Eric Jango - Yes, he may have lost the case, but let's face it, the only reason Franklin and Bash won is the same reason that Kobe and Shaq won all those titles, because they had Rick Fox on their team, and R-Fo doesn't lose. On top of this, he got a chick's phone number in the courthouse. Most importantly, he called a dog as a witness. When Franklin and Bash called shenanigans, he dropped the dog which ran to the young lady. He out shenaniganed Franklin and Bash. 

4. Ted Rossi - Although the edge goes to Jango, Rossi provided the best line with, "Jiu jitsu is great for the core."

5. Mike Ross - Mike had a rollercoaster ride this week. He started off strong and was getting after the hot paralegal, Rachel Zane. That earns him a strong Holler for his efforts. Then he turned her down for sex. That is decidedly not Holler. He eventually broke up with her, and I cannot determine the Hollerness of that move until I see his next piece of ass.

6. Louis Litt - Louis really grew on me on this episode. He is such a scumbag, and I respect that. He is basically John Laurinaitis before he became General Manager of Raw. A total company man who has every intention to kiss ass his way to the top. If he ends every message in his dictaphone with "People Power," he will probably end up in the top three.

7. Peter Bash - When I put Bash at #3 in the inaugural rankings, I thought it would be the lowest that Peter would ever fall. This is getting sad. I very nearly put Adam DeMamp ahead of him on these rankings, but the “Franklin And Bash/Suits/Workaholics Small Courts Claim Power Rankings” just seemed like too long of a title. The only positive thing I have to say is this: American Flag Motorcycle Helmet = Ballin.

8. Paul Porter - Yes, he got totally owned, but he got a nice meal and got to play golf with Fred Couples.  And although it was never shown, I am guessing HARDMAN gave him a terrific bowtie rack.

9. Jared Franklin - At least he was taller than someone for a change. Seriously, that is all that I have to say about him for this episode. I remember when Franklin wasn't worthless. Please, God, get some ladies in the hot tub, Franklin's ranking depends on it.

10. Damien Karp - He was on a team with Pindar, and Pindar was the better lawyer. But if I can avoid putting Pindar on the list, I am going to do that. Pindar is the wost.

Dropped From Rankings:
Hanna Linden - She went from leading on a case with Karp to taking a backseat to Franklin and Bash. Also, she may have forgotten that she is trying to sabotage them.

Jessica Pearson - Trying to beat out Hardman and only alienating people in the process. Also, Harvey totally owned her despite her being his boss.

Stanton Infeld - The K spot is as believable as a girl's boobs feeling like a bag of sand. Everybody knows women can't enjoy sex. Infeld may be a 70 year old virgin.

That's all for this week.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings

I never used to be into lawyer shows. Then, last summer, I became hooked. That is because the two greatest lawyer shows ever premiered last summer in Franklin & Bash and Suits. They are both awesome. Franklin & Bash is awesome because they throw sexy hot tub parties ALL THE TIME. Suits was awesome, because they never lose, and I hate losing, so we are kindred spirits. Also, sexy ladies that should definitely go to Franklin & Bash's parties.

So last summer, I would always joke that Suits was my second favorite show about lawyers who play by their own rules, because it and F&B are nearly the exact same show, but F&B has a hot tub, so they get the edge. And if you don't think this is a heated rivalry, just check this out:

Suits is advertising on Franklin & Bash's IMDB page. And this ballsy maneuver isn't the only noteworthy thing going on, as F&B has gotten lazy. Through two episodes, F&B have had ZERO hot tub scenes. They must be punished. Hence, I have decided to create the Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings. Who is currently the best character? Well, since I am an expert on these shows, I can clear up any controversies with my flawless analysis (Production Note: I will be including the first two episodes of F&B).

1. Daniel Hardman - His last name is Hardman. That's right, his last name is Hard...man. Do you think he is sad when his wife passes away? Hell no. He fakes sadness to get what he wants. How does a man who made his first appearance ever go straight to the top spot? Well, he outlawyered Harvey Specter. That's pretty god damn impressive. Also, he stole money, admitted to it, but it's cool. Everyone applauded him for being so awesome. This dude is a baller who will totally use your funeral to further his standing in society.

2. Harvey Specter - He still gets the number two slot. Why? Well, he originally outlawyered Hardman five years ago when he got him to leave his own law firm. Bravo. Also, he helped Mike keep his job by doing a bunch of shady shit. Shady shit is awesome, but if you are a good enough lawyer, you can be as shady as you want and people will forget about the shady things you did five minutes before.

3. Peter Bash - He took his shirt off in court, and obviously the judge allowed it. He then proceeded to punk out a lady cop in front of everyone. That was shady as all hell. She tried to do him immediately after the trial ended. He makes being a lawyer look totally awesome. Still, his Mom was trying to do a bunch of skeevy dudes, and that definitely takes some of the shine off.

4. Mike Ross - Mike decides to be a nice guy and help out this lady author who got her book idea stolen. He works his magic and gets her an offer for $30,000, and this bitch turned it down. So Mike buried her. She got an apology and no money. That's great hustle. He also threatened to use his former best friend's social security number to bury him. Plus, he will probably do the hot paralegal chick soon. When he does that, expect a huge rise in the rankings.

5. Damien Karp - He flexed his penis muscles while Bash's Mom flexed her vagina muscles. BALLIN!

6. Jared Franklin - Did he do anything of note in these first two episodes? I mean, yeah, he won some cases, but he scored no chicks and also did nothing all that shady. This is a man in desperate need of a hot tub party.

7. Hanna Linden - She banged Franklin last year, and this year she is trying to get him and Bash fired? I hate her for this. But it is shady as all hell, so she deserves some props, because nobody will care about this in two weeks when she wears a skimpy bikini to a hot tub party.

8. Stanton Infeld - He promoted Franklin & Bash to partners. He is handling his business, which puts him above the last people on this list.

9. Jessica Pearson - She got owned by Harvey repeatedly in this episode. Plus, top dog, HARDMAN, is aiming for her job. Will she be able to stop HARDMAN? Not if this episode is any indication.

10. Louis Litt - He got owned repeatedly, but at least he's not Pindar.

And that wraps up week one. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. And if you aren't watching these shows. Start watching. They are totally awesome, and you will want to become a lawyer who plays by his own rules within five minutes of watching.

APA Is For Assholes

I recently started working on getting my Masters. Why am I doing this? Mostly because work will pay for it. I do not have much ambition that it will ever come in handy, but since all I have to do is take care of the books and get good grades, it seems stupid to pass up the opportunity. Through my first couple of classes, I have basically only been docked for not having proper formatting within my papers. It is absolutely ridiculous that we are still worried about formatting. Language is constantly changing, but the form of proper academic writing must stay the same for all eternity. I am forced to use APA in everything I do. What does APA stand for? Don't know, don't care. I just know that all instructors make me use it, and it is total bullshit.

There are so many stupid rules that make absolutely no sense. In academic writing, contractions are not allowed. It doesn’t make any sense, ah, excuse me, it does not make any sense to have this rule, but some asshole decided that contractions aren’t awesome. Trust me, they are totally awesome.

A paragraph is supposed to consist of like four or five sentences. I can’t remember which one, but it is still a stupid rule. If I want to make a point by having my entire paragraph consist of one word, then I should be able to do it. In fact, I should be able to make up a word for my one-word paragraph.

KA-BLOW!

But the academics love APA, so I can't have totally badass one-word paragraphs.

The worst of these offenders is insistence on APA citations. On Black Heart Gold Pants, they have a daily article called “It’s Not Plagiarism If You Link To It.” That sentence makes 100% sense. APA formatting makes zero sense. It’s an archaic practice that is no longer useful to the current generation. 100 years ago, sure, I could see the advantage, but the Internet, like it has done to so many other things (cough, newspapers, cough), has made proper formatting obsolete. It’s time to take APA out back and shoot it in its fucking face. Just throw a link up and save everyone a bunch of time.

Why is this still being used? Because most "academics" grew up with APA formatting, and now they are forcing it on everyone around them. If you stress the importance of APA, you are an asshole. If you disagree, I've got only one thing left to say to you...

KA-BLOW!

Somebody Taco Bell Taco'd My Car

Okay, I get it. Somebody out there is mad that I haven't posted anything for two weeks, and for that, I apologize. But here is your post, and I promise to do my best to never have a writing hiatus like this again.

I live in an area where five cities like to believe they are more or less equal. They all have their charms and advantages and disadvantages. But if this were an episode of Parks and Recreation, there would be four Pawnees, while I live in Eagleton. It's classy as caviar.

With that being said, I was shocked to see what had happened to my car when I went to go to work this morning. I get out there, and it looks like someone shit all over my backseat driver's side window. After taking a closer inspection and a sniff, I was relieved to find out that it was not shit. I looked to my left and saw a broken taco shell near my front tire. I looked back on the window and instantly knew. Someone had not just thrown a taco at my car, they had thrown a Taco Bell taco at my car. I'd know that meat anywhere.

At first, I was upset. I mean, who would dare desecrate a beautiful vehicle like my 1998 Ford Escort. Do people have no respect for classic cars anymore? But then, I just had to laugh. My neighborhood is so classy that they don't go around egging cars or TPing houses, they go to Taco Bell, probably buy a big box of tacos, and terrorize the neighborhood by throwing them at the nicest cars they can find.

So I am sorry about the long hiatus. I'm not mad at the culprits, I'm just mad they didn't put hot sauce on it first, because Taco Bell sauce is what turns it from car grenades into delicious, delicious food.