Monday, December 28, 2015

5 Things You Need To Know About Christmas Mass

I am by no means a religious person, but I went to Christmas Mass this year. I went to a Methodist service, despite my roots being in Catholicism. Church has definitely changed since my glory days of actually attending on a regular basis, and I now have insights in to what you should expect if you are attending a Christmas, or really, any Mass.

1. The Video Packages Are Off The Chain
So I went to some fancy new-age church that had projection capabilities, and I would highly recommend this as it added a lot to the entire experience. They started with this slide show where they said all the cool stuff that Jesus did like giving us salvation and shit. Then they showed a slide that stated, "Jesus destroyed his enemies," and I'm like, "God damn, that is awesome." Then I realized I was in church, so I changed my thoughts to, "Fuck yeah, Jesus is a motherfucker you don't want to cross."

2. The Black Guy Will Sing Like An Angel
As a white person who was in small towns in the Midwest, I knew there would not be a lot of diversity at church. So, yeah, there were a whole lot of white people up in there. But you best believe that one black guy would step up in front of the entire church and deliver a solo that brought the house down. Good for that guy, not only for the impressive pipes, but to deal with a bunch of white people. White people are the worst (hence, they falsely claim a Middle Eastern Jesus as one of their own).

3. Watch Out For That Youth Pastor
Growing up in the Catholic Church, there were no such things as youth pastors. Basically, because you couldn't do chicks and had to live a life of celibacy (it's odd that so many people who pledge their celibacy end up being creeps who sexually assault children). But at these churches that don't require a creepy life of celibacy, there are youth pastors. These are not what you expect, as they look more alternative than traditional pastors. The one at this church even had gauges in his ears. It's basically a young adult emo who is preaching the word of the Lord, which makes sense, because, let's face it, Jesus was the original emo.

4. People Get Very Excited About Candles
You get a candle for when Silent Night is played near the end, and people are very excited by this. In fact, the church ran out of candles, so the preacher man made an announcement saying that more candles were on their way. People applauded. No man, woman, or child should be left without a candle. When they were finally lit, there were lit candles around, so I was a little underwhelmed, but fire is cool, I guess.

5. There Will Be Hilarious Hypotheticals
So his big sermon asked, "Would you have seen? Would you have heard?" in regards to Baby Jesus. This is fairly insane, because, only like three weird dudes came, and they gave a baby gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Dudes, it's a baby, a rattle would have sufficed. Also, this reminds me of what awful writers the Bible had, because Jesus definitely should have used these gifts later on to vanquish some enemies; that would have made for a much more compelling story.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there, because the pastor apparently wants to be the type of person that travels for miles to give babies weird gifts. Even weirder than that, he also asked whether he would have ears, and it's like, dude, 2000 years ago isn't so long ago that humans didn't have ears. Also, you're religious, so you're not supposed to believe in evolution anyway. Get it together, brah.

Ultimately, Christmas Mass is the best time to go to church during the year. All the cool kids are there, and they don't have time to spew any of their bullshit hate speech. So overall, it's just a really positive place where they focus on treating people with kindness. If they did that more often, I might even go twice a year.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Most Annoying Habit For Christmas Season

As my wife, dog, and I took a 17 hour drive to visit family this Christmas season, I had a bit of time to think. Now some would use this time to contemplate life, maybe try to come up with ideas to be a better person. I mostly listened to podcasts, put together plans to ditch my wife on New Year's Eve, and came up with the most annoying habit possible for this Christmas season.

It is so simple, yet so brilliantly diabolical. Whenever somebody says anything, just respond with, "I know." You may be thinking that this is stupid and makes no sense, and you would be correct on the former but incorrect on the latter. It makes perfect sense. After somebody tells you something, you gain that knowledge. You're not saying you knew that, you're saying you now know that. Here's an example:

Random Holiday Person: Little Billy is starting to read.
Me: I know.
RHP: How'd you know that?
Me: You literally just told me.

Feel free to follow up that by looking around with a face that asks, "Who is this clown?" to really hammer your point home.

Everyone will hate you.

And isn't that what the holidays are all about?

Monday, December 21, 2015

Roddy Piper's WCW Nitro Open Challenge

Roddy Piper's run in WCW left a lot to be desired. Let's face it; the world was changing, so Piper was no longer able to paint half his body black and for it to be totally acceptable. He was also getting a little older and had a family, so he wasn't going to be busting random bottles over his head and bleeding profusely for the sake of a promo.

Classic Roddy Piper was on another level. WCW Piper was basically a different person. They gave him a little too much creative freedom, which usually just harmlessly resulted in him cutting a promo that went about ten minutes too long. But in advance of the WCW Uncensored PPV in 1997, it was a hilarious disaster that was absolutely painful to watch.

Roddy Piper was tasked with putting a team together to face the nWo (and weirdly, also a team from WCW). He decided to have an open challenge to find the toughest guys in the back to join his team. They would fight Piper, and the crowd would decide if they were tough enough to join his squad. It did not go well.

Now usually with these open challenges, they may bring out a few jobbers, and then some legit guys that fans know to actually join the team. Piper convinced the WCW to do something differently, and honestly, there's not much more I can say, so let's just go through our challengers.

1. Meathead 1
First, we have Meathead 1. He at least looks athletic, but he's wearing jeans and a belt, so he didn't exactly do his best to prepare for this challenge. He does have a pretty long ponytail, so that is something. The most fascinating thing this guy does in his 30 seconds in the ring is tap out to a kimura by Piper, so clearly Piper knew a little about shooting, because that move was never used as a pro wrestling submission. Still, Piper asks the fans to give him thumbs up or thumbs down, and the entire crowd gives the thumbs down.

2. Meathead 2
The most positive thing I can say about this guy is that he at least wore jean shorts and no belt. He also wore army boots, but hey, you can't win 'em all when it comes to fashion choices. This guy slapped Piper and then threw some knees, so he at least got some offense, but then Piper put him in the sleeper, and he went night night. He also receives a unanimous thumbs down.

3. Meathead 3
Does this guy look familiar? That's because he is what would happen if Meathead 1 and Meathead 2 had a baby. He got Meathead 2's torso, but he got Meathead 1's pants. This guy never even made it into the ring, because this happened...
...which brings us to our next contestant.

4. Craig Mally
Craig Mally is my favorite guy involved in this. Partially because he knocked out Meathead 3 with a hilarious haymaker, but mostly because he wears comically large boxing gloves, and he gives Roddy Piper comically small boxing gloves. I mean, look at that image above. Mally is wearing boat oars at the end of his hand, and he gave Piper a pair of mittens. They "box" for a few minutes, but it's just wild haymakers and hammer fists as both guys fall all over the ring. Piper is impressed, so he asks the crowd if they are impressed, and they emphatically boo while giving the thumbs down. Piper thinks that an extra minute of this mess will change their mind. It does not, but Piper puts him on the team anyway, because he thought people would give a shit about an oversized glove cheap shot artist who they have never seen before.

5. Layton Morrison
This was probably my least favorite guy. He's a kickboxer, and a guy who likes to pick Piper up awkwardly. The highlight of the match is when Morrison picks Piper up and nearly depantses him, and Piper decides to call it a day and just announce him as part of the team while the crowd erupts in boos.

6. John Tenta
Hey, it's a real life pro wrestler. I would say that John Tenta is a guy who belongs in something like this. The only problem is that he's more of a guy you bring out as the first legit guy as part of your team, since he's big, and that's always impressive. But he's not a final guy for fans to get excited about, so he's kinda swingin' above his weight here. Still, the crowd was so sick of the endless parade of jobbers that they shot up to their feet to cheer on Earthquake, aka The Shark, aka John Tenta (aka Golga, but he saved that for the future). John Tenta wrestles Piper for a minute, until the other two team members come in the ring to attack him, and the crowd continues to give the thumbs down as Craig Mally swings wildly and Layton Morrison trips over his own feet.

Eventually, the segment ends, as the crew is set to take on the nWo in two weeks at Uncensored.

They were replaced by the Four Horsemen one week later.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

La Parka Is The Coolest Man In Wrestling History

As I relive the glory days of pro wrestling on the WWE Network, I have come across many hidden gems that I had totally forgotten about. Sure, there are some things that stand out to everyone, like how great Stone Cold Steve Austin was between King of the Ring and his submission match against Bret Hart at WrestleMania 13, which was the point where he got propelled to another level. But something that consistently stands out to me on Nitro is how amazing La Parka is. I mean, I remember being a huge La Parka fan back in the day, but I totally forgot just how cool he truly was.

La Parka was incredible in the ring, and I always thought his look was pretty cool, but looking back, this man had more style than anyone in wrestling history. His debut was a phenomenal match against Juventud Guerrera where he wore this...
just to reveal this...
yep, a chestpad that looks like Brak from Space Ghost.

I didn't think that look could be topped, but I should have known to never doubt La Parka. Then, about six months later, La Parka had a rematch with Juventud Guerrera. La Parka brought it in the first match, but Juvi didn't learn his lesson. So La Parka had to bring it even harder, as evidenced by this ring attire for his entrance.
BOSS. Like, I don't know another way to describe how awesome that outfit is. He's in full La Parka attire, and tehn somehow over that, he has a pajama suit of luchador masks, and he tops it off with a sombrero. Oh yeah, and since every suit needs a belt, he got himself a custom La Parka belt to show that he is the champion of...La Parka?

It doesn't matter, because he will forever be the champion of our hearts. He was just so damn cool that it was impossible not to love him. Oh yeah, and the next week, he started bringing chairs into the ring which began his run to Chairman of WCW. La Parka was so cool.

How did this guy ever lose? 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Fair Weather Fans Are 7 Times More Likely To Get Divorced

I am always amazed at people who only like good teams. It used to drive me crazy, because they weren't "real sports fans." As I have grown older and more mature, it has gotten to the point where it only irritates me. It still blows my mind when it comes to colleges, and people only like Duke basketball, of course, that's partially because I thought only old racist white guys liked Duke basketball. But it works the same with Notre Dame football, wait, that's a lot of old racist white guys too. Um, let's go with Alabama footbAwShit, that's loaded with ORWGs too. This wasn't even the point of the post, so let's just get back to my original point that fair weather fans are slightly irritating but nothing to get worked up over.

But they are still irritating, and the fact that they try to celebrate a championship like it really means something to them when they just float in while the team is good is not something that they should get away with, but alas, as just one man, there is nothing I can do. But karma...karma is a bitch, and it will strike down these fair weather fans.

You see, these fair weather fans are strong when things are going well, but they lack the mental fortitude to prosper when things get tough. They just want to move onto something else. This may work in sports fandom, but I'll tell you one area it doesn't work: Marriage.

I believe that fair weather fans are single-handedly pumping up the divorce rate in this country. I mean, based on zero research whatsoever, I will claim that the divorce rate for fair weather fans is seven times higher than it is for those fans that stick with their crummy teams through thick and thin. This is all just a guess on my part as I did absolutely no research, but the numbers don't lie. SEVEN TIMES, that is incredible. But these made up numbers make sense. These fans float along in life, just looking for the best possible situation, but they just bounce around grasping at fleeting happiness while sticking with things gives a far more fulfilling feeling that these people will never experience.

Seven times. That's truly an incredible number. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't made it up myself.

It really makes you think.

Monday, December 14, 2015

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Weird Sex Lives

Since there were children staying with us a couple weeks ago, I got to learn about a few things that I would not have regularly been exposed to. The most prominent of these things is the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's actually got some decent storylines, and I do like the intro music. There's just one problem: The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon TOTALLY promotes bestiality (and other weird stuff too).

The very first episode they establish that mutant turtle-human relations should be as sexy as possible as Donatello immediately develops a huge crush on a teenage April O'Neil. This is what Donatello is willing to go to prison for (And yeah, if a mutant turtle has sex with a teenage girl, I will 100% guarantee that he is going to prison).

OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH! If you like gingers with skinny knees and extreme cankles, then this is the gal for you.

As bad as mutant turtle-human relations are, at least they are both good people who are fighting for the same cause. Leonardo wants to fuck Shredder's daughter.
The question becomes whether she is goth, emo, or a vamp kid. Leonardo is the leader of the turtles, so he should at least try to pursue a cheerleader, or I don't know, maybe he should go for an actual turtle, although I guess that would be weird too.

Then we move onto Raphael who is asexual, as he only gets a boner for violence. You know those weird porno movies where it's not even about sex, it's more just about demeaning someone...wait, you don't? Uh, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if these existed, this is what Raphael would be into. He'd make Two Girls One Cup look like The Lego Movie.

Michaelangelo is clearly into some weird shit as well, as he doesn't love pizza, he is IN love with pizza. He is also IN love with video games and probably a lot of other inanimate objects. Luckily, they gave him the brain of a 3-year-old, so he probably just gets out his sexual aggression by awkwardly tugging at his dick.

As for Splinter, he was just an old dude who got into the ooze, and then somehow turned into a rat, because one was nearby? I'm guessing they were going for a situation like the movie The Fly, but from what they showed, it didn't look like the rat even got in the ooze. It was weird. But that brings up an interesting point. What should Splinter have sex with? He definitely has the most right to try to have sex with human women, although I don't think he should be competing with his proteges for teenage girls. I mean, he definitely shouldn't be banging rats, but I don't know why else he would live in the sewer when he could just frequent Furry Conventions.

Holy shit. That's perfect. They should all become Furries, because honestly, that would be less weird than what they are currently doing. 

In the world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Furries is the new normal.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Values.com's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for Values.com, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from Values.com

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.
When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

Monday, December 7, 2015

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.
I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Talking to Yourself about Iowa

Iowa is 12-0 and going to the B1G Championship with a shot to go the College Football Playoff. I know this sentence is 100% true, and yet, I still can't totally fathom it. I mean, I'm flying up to Indy to go to the game (scalpers willing) this weekend, and it still hasn't totally sunk in. I've watched every minute of every game, and it still doesn't feel totally right that Iowa is here. This season is too good, and my brain can't fully comprehend what is happening.

It's not that I've been influenced by the pundits either. I barely watch ESPN, so I really only hear about most of it secondhand. I remember hearing a throwaway joke on the Solid Verbal about talking to your kids about Iowa, laughed, moved on, and then watched it take off a become a thing. That's still funny to me, and shockingly fitting, because I can't totally explain Iowa to a child; I can't even fully explain Iowa to myself.

Don't get me wrong. This is fun. This is really, really, fun.

Think about this season for Iowa, and try to name players who performed below expectations. The only ones are, through no fault of their own, Drew Ott and Jake Duzey. Ott played with a robo arm for a few weeks and was still causing havoc before having season ending knee surgery. Duzey got hurt before the season, and because the other two tight ends were playing great, hasn't really had a chance to put himself back in the rotation.

Who has even only played to expectations? I guess I'd go with Tevaun Smith, who has been a weapon in the passing game but has not set the world on fire. Greg Mabin, who continues to show flashes of greatness but still hasn't quite gotten the consistency that would make him an absolute monster as a corner. That's basically it. Those guys just did as good as we expected them to.

Everyone else has exceeded expectations, and there are some guys who exceeded past my wildest fantasies. The one that stands out is Desmond King, who I was excited about when Iowa got him right before National Signing Day. He just sounded like a guy who just made plays, and wouldn't you know it? Making plays in football is a pretty damn valuable skill. Still, this is beyond even my wildest expectations. He probably deserves the Thorpe Award, as he has legitimately been the best corner in the league. It's been incredible.

Probably the most surprising success story is the entire offensive line. Sure, Austin Blythe was good, but he's become dominant, and everyone has far exceeded my expectations. I thought it would be their achilles heel on the way to a 4-8 season, and instead, they have become a huge strength in keeping the quarterback upright while opening up huge holes for a bevvy of running backs.

And speaking of running backs, holy shit, how did Mark Weisman start for this team? Nothing against Weisman, who always worked hard and did his best, but Jordan Canzeri is the truth, Wadley has moves on moves, Derrick Mitchell is somehow just a great pass blocker for third down situations, and when LeShun Daniels is on, he's the most unstoppable runner of the bunch. The running backs have taken a huge step forward, and it's been fun to watch.

But don't think I forgot about defenders outside of King Crunk, as it has been a great year for guys with double J initials. Jaleel Johnson has emerged as a monster in the middle of the line, destroying run games and collapsing pockets on the quarterback, he has helped make everyone else's job easier. Right behind him is Josey Jewell who has gone from looking lost last year to having nearly flawless instincts as he flies around and tackles everything in sight. With Jeff Jarrett starting Global Force Wrestling, it has been a great year for Double Js.

Somehow even crazier, I have talked about a ton of important factors about Iowa, and I haven't even mentioned that Kirk Ferentz has altered his offensive playbook, and all CJ Beathard does is win. There's simply too much wild shit happening this year to get to everything.

And here's the thing with not wrapping my head around this team. As the season has gone on, a part of me has hoped for a single loss and a Rose Bowl berth, because how cool would the Rose Bowl be (although a loss likely knocks them out of that at this point)? And that was seriously as high as my brain can dream up. Like, all they do is win, so who's to say they couldn't win the damn College Football Playoff? It's unlikely, but this season took nearly everything going right in the first place, why should that stop now? I don't know if my heart could take it.

Nearly everything has gone right this year, and I'm a very logical person, so I always assume if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. This season definitely seems too good to be true, so it almost doesn't feel real. The question I keep asking is when is that other shoe going to drop? I don't know, and I'm going to do my best to turn my brain off to not care either. I'm going to the B1G Championship next week, and who knows where I could be headed next to support the Hawkeyes?

This season has already been an incredible triumph, but it's not over yet, so it's time to say fuck logic and just enjoy the ride.

Go Hawks!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I Suck At Yoga

I have started to supplement getting my ass kicked with yoga. It has been something I have wanted to do for a while, but I kept coming up with excuses not to do yoga. I think a lot of this is it is never all that great to go into something and know you are going to be really bad at it. I have never been known for my flexibility, so I was quite positive that I would be very bad at yoga, and that fear stopped me from taking the first step towards progress. I way overthought everything, like do I need to have a mat, and are gym shorts and t-shirt acceptable yoga clothing? Those are stupid excuses to not try something, so I had to get over myself.

I finally tried yoga, and guess what? I did suck at it. This is not some magical story where I conquered a mild fear and it turned out I was great. If it required much flexibility, I was very awkward while doing it, and I often needed adjustments, because I cannot follow simple yoga directions. Even though I am fairly strong for my size, I often felt my muscles blowing up while holding poses. It was embarrassing, as I watched 60-year-old women handle things with ease while my shoulders were screaming in agony. But even though it has only been a couple weeks, I can feel myself improving. I definitely feel a little looser when it is over, and physically, I know that I am improving. And as bad as I am at it physically, I am even worse at it mentally.

My problem is that I enter with a very calm and relaxed attitude that is ideal for yoga, but once I start going, I get more and more aggressive and start wanting to attack every pose. I look around to see how others are doing, and I want to do better, despite me not being flexible or even all that good at core strength, because I get blown up trying to hold poses. Still, I want to strive beyond my limits, which is the total opposite of what you want to do in yoga. I can't even relax properly, because I'm side eyeing the people next to me to see if I am relaxing better than they are.

Still, I am getting better, and the cool thing about being really awful at something is that you get to see vast improvement quickly. So now I'm ready to stretch so hard that I tear muscles off my bones and breathe so deep and peacefully that Kim Jong-Il destroys all of the nuclear weapons in North Korea.

I'm never going to be good at this.

Monday, November 30, 2015

My Experience at the Advocare Invitational

As shoppers fought for the best Black Friday deals, I went on a different mission and that was to watch the best basketball team in the nation, the Iowa Hawkeyes (Note: opinion may be slightly biased) take on the most evil, putrid, awful pieces of shit on the planet, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish (Note: not an opinion, just a fact) in the second round of the Advocare Invitational. Growing up in Iowa, I never had a chance to go to one of these early season tournaments, so I decided to make the hour and a half trek to check it out, and it was totally worth it.

Now, before even arriving, I had done a lot to set myself up to be in a great mood. First off, I found out about the game and got my wife's approval, as long as her male family members could tag along. Not a problem by me, as I basically black out while watching Iowa sports, so they would provide no hindrance to my viewing pleasure, and I even earned bonus points with the old lady (also, it was nice to have people to talk to during timeouts so I didn't look like a total psychopath as I screamed at basketball players a decade younger than me).

On top of earning points with the old lady, I was also in the midst of a potent high caused by Iowa completing their undefeated regular season. With that, a basketball win wasn't the icing on the cake, it was more a cherry on top of a sundae, as I would prefer it, but it wouldn't ruin some perfectly good ice cream.

We arrived at the ESPN Wide World of Sports about 15 minutes before tipoff and used our General Admission seats to take sixth row at half court. Not too shabby, not too shabby at all. Although the game didn't have the outcome I would have preferred, Disney did do a good job of creating a fun experience for the fans.

The key to Disney's success during timeouts and halftime was giving people constant entertainment. Sure, the cheerleaders took a handful of breaks to have guys hold up girls in the air for a while. It is important to note that only Iowa had cheerleaders, because Notre Dame is full of garbage people.

They had fun games at the other timeouts, mostly with children competing against each other. Kids trying to put a basketball in a backpack and then make a layup with a second ball for the right to keep the backpack, free throw contests, shooting contests, puzzles, a race to put on oversized shorts and a Udonis Haslem jersey before making a layup, more free throw contests, and most importantly, a dance competition featuring Iowa's beloved mascot, Herky, who somehow transported from Nebraska to Orlando in just seconds. All they were missing were dogs catching frisbees or somebody trying to set a really stupid world record (my personal favorite was a guy trying to hit the most tee shots in a minute), and they would have had the greatest basketball entertainment of all time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

And yes, the Hawkeyes lost to Notre Dame, a school that I'm pretty sure doesn't even have a football or wrestling program. They keep running into the same issue where they don't score for long stretches at a time, they make a great second half run, and then run out of steam before the end of the game. The starters played nearly the entire second half, and they just had no legs at the end, which led to Notre Dame finally finding open looks in the final few minutes. But I got to see the yearly Adam Woodbury game where he actually makes shots and gives all Iowa fans hope that he has found his offensive game (maybe this is the year?). Iowa lost, which sucked, but after the high of a 12-0 football season, no loss can really sting me (this never includes wrestling). So if you have a chance to go one of these early season tournaments, I would highly recommend them, just like all the great products sold by Advocare.

Friday, November 27, 2015

The Only Thing I Want For Christmas Is The Hulkster Helmet

I keep looking up at that image, and I am at a loss for words. My brother notified me that this existed, and now it's all that I can think about, day and night. My wife tries telling me about her day, but I don't care about her day, I only care about this helmet.

I mean, look at that helmet. That is not the type of helmet you give to a World Champion. That is not the type of helmet you give to a functioning adult. That's the type of helmet you give to a little kid after he comes home from getting bullied the first time. You convince him that the helmet makes him look "tough," I mean, it does have a fist protruding out of the top of it.

If you ever needed proof that Hulk Hogan is the least cool person on the planet, this helmet is all you need (besides the whole racist thing; that was also very uncool). Maybe the best part is that Hulk Hogan called it his "War Bonnet," and gave Bad News Brown his first loss in WWE when he headbutted him (which, I guess is also a punch) and finished him off with the leg drop. Hulk Hogan was undefeated with his war bonnet.

So what I'm really trying to say is, this helmet is all I want for Christmas.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Does Ronda Rousey Need Better Coaching?

After Ronda Rousey got knocked out by Holly Holm, people were asking a lot of questions. Did Ronda come in overconfident? Did she not give Holm the credit she deserves? Is she simply physically overmatched and her reign as the Queen of Women's MMA over? Those questions may be interesting, but I don't think it addresses the real issue in why Ronda Rousey lost, and more importantly lost badly. The real question becomes, does Ronda Rousey need better coaching?

When you look at all of the other UFC champions, you see great camps around them. I mean, maybe the most questionable camp is Demetrious Johnson, and it'd be pretty silly to question the coaching abilities of Matt Hume. Then you look at Ronda Rousey, and she's got some judo guys and a coach who doesn't pay taxes. I'm not sure if they truly helped her rise, or whether her rise was inevitable due to her natural physical abilities.

As a part of Team Hayastan, she is in the gym with the likes of...well, I've never actually heard of anyone listed on the Sherdog page. But they have tough nicknames like Silverback, The Chainsaw, and, um, Grasshopper? Come on, guys, if you're not a great fighter, at least get a good nickname. She also trains at Glendale Fighting Club, which lists her boyfriend, Travis Browne as a member, but he's a recent addition, so it's not like the gym can really take credit for any of his success.

So, looking at what both gyms have produced for professional fighters, it is Ronda Rousey, and only Ronda Rousey. That's not a great sign.

Since Rousey began in MMA, she has been a force of nature. She physically overwhelmed everyone who fought her, as the only person who lasted more than a round was Miesha Tate, and she was only able to do that on her second try. Let's face it, if Ronda Rousey had not gotten better from her first fight to her last fight, her record would probably be the same. Her judo background meant that she was simply that much better than her opponents.

Now, don't get me wrong. Her strikes are way better than they used to be, but how much of that is coaching and how much of that is just that she's a phenomenal athlete, so of course, with practice, she would become much better at striking. I happen to think it might be more of the latter.

And even with those strides, her ground game will always be better than her striking, probably much, much...much better than her striking. And with good coaches, wouldn't one of the main goals be using strikes to set up a clinch where she can go for a takedown? Yet, in the Holm fight, Rousey showed no real inclination for that, as her punches were wild, and she kept getting taking punches right down the middle of her defense. In between the first and second round, did you hear her corner giving her some great advice to turn things around? Nope, they basically sounded like me giving fight advice, as they were more cheerleaders than coaches.

I think Ronda Rousey is the most physically talented female fighter in the world. That doesn't mean she is the best, as even with better coaching, Holly Holm is SUPER good. But with Rousey's skillset, there is no reason she should ever get overwhelmed like that. With better coaching, I think it could be a different fight, but if she isn't willing to make that significant change, I don't think anything will change if she fights Holm again.

Ronda Rousey is great, but I don't think she reaches her full potential without getting out of her comfort zone and finding a camp that can help her be her best.

Monday, November 23, 2015

CJ Beathard - Iowa's Craig Krenzel

CJ Beathard (who comes from a football family) is Iowa's Craig Krenzel (whose major was Molecular Genetics). Now I know that most people may think of this as an insult, but it is not meant to be. Craig Krenzel won a National Title. He also started games in the NFL. It wasn't great when he did, but there are lots of people who can't say that, so good for Craig Krenzel. But still, let's get back to the fact that he led his team to a National Title while not being the most physically gifted quarterback in college football. I would very much like CJ Beathard to do the same.

Now I know most people automatically assume that an Ohio State team would have way more talent than an Iowa team, but the 2002 OSU team actually wasn't that crazy talented compared to what the 2015 Iowa Hawkeyes throw out there on the field. Maurice Clarett is the most well known star from that team, but the combination of LeShun Daniels, Jordan Canzeri, Akrum Wadley, and Derrick Mitchell Jr. equal at least one Clarett, and maybe even 1 1/3 Claretts.

On top of that, both teams had stout defenses that could keep them in any game, but much like Iowa, Ohio State was not loaded like a 2002 Miami Hurricanes team, but they undeniably had some talent.

Despite this supporting cast, announcers are quick to give CJ Beathard (who grew up in a football family) as much credit as possible for Iowa's success. Now, don't get it twisted, CJ Beathard deserves a ton of credit, but that running game has been pretty amazing, and Desmond King has been stupid good this year, and honestly deserves Heisman Buzz for what he has done in the secondary this year. Beathard may not be a world beater, but he is a college football team beater, and that's all Iowa needs. He comes through when Iowa needs him most, and, as every ESPN announcer ever would say, "He just wins football games."

Yes, the stats may not be that impressive. Both quarterbacks had about a 60% completion percentage. Krenzel, who majored in Molecular Genetics, ended his year with twelve touchdowns, while Beathard has ten this season. But they both learned to take care of the football, and had very low turnover numbers, which maximized the help they could get from their defense and running game. And speaking of running game, both guys can do some damage with their legs as well, as Krenzel had 368 yards rushing, with Beathard currently 100 yards behind, and that number would be higher if not for a groin injury that Beathard looks to be fully recovered from.

Oh, and if you really like stats, here's a stat for you: 0. That's the number of losses Krenzel had in 2002, and it's how many Beathard has experienced as a starting quarterback. Now, as a logical person, I understand quarterback wins is a stupid stat, but I also know there's one thing stats can't measure.

Intangibles.

Craig Krenzel (Majored in Molecular Genetics) had intangibles oozing out of his butthole. Just watch any game from that season, as the announcers would remind you of this fact every 10-15 seconds. I think the announcers had the special glasses that Roddy Piper wore in They Live, only instead of seeing aliens, they saw rainbows of intangibles coming out of Krenzel's asshole. Nothing better exemplifies these intangibles than this play.

I just want to type out what Brent Musberger said after this touchdown pass. "Craig Krenzel strikes with a minute and a half left! Holy Buckeye! A big time play, as people said all year that sometime, Craig Krenzel would have to win a game, and on fourth and one, he goes 37 yards!"

Craig Krenzel (who majored in Molecular Genetics) single-handedly won the Buckeyes that game by putting up 10 points against Purdue. That stout Purdue defense that gave up 24 points to Western Michigan, 38 points to a 5-7 Illinois team, and 42 points to a 4-8 Michigan State team. Craig Krenzel, and the Ohio State Buckeyes put up 10 points. But that's what stats don't tell you. Because Craig Krenzel didn't beat Purdue with ten points. He beat Purdue with infinity intangible points, as they never really stood a chance. Craig Krenzel has never passed his team to victory, he has only willed his team to victory, and by sheer will, he won a National Title.

Beathard does not have the single defining play up to this point in the year. The one that stands out the most is his Superman touchdown run against Indiana.

All we got from these announcers were, "Dive...Touchdown! What a play by CJ Beathard." It was missing some of the hyperbole. Also, Beathard does not have a fancy major, which hurts his intangibles score. But he does manage to even things up, because CJ Beathard is from a football family. You simply can't teach the lessons he learned growing up, as he just grew up around the sport and knows the game in and out from experiences that started early on in childhood.

Craig Krenzel had intangibles coming out of his butt, and CJ Beathard comes from that same mold. The intangibles propel these men to places that pure stats could never understand. I mentioned the number zero earlier, but there is one number that is even more important. That number is one. It's the number of National Titles Craig Krenzel won; it's the number CJ Beathard hopes to tie after this season.

But Beathard's too worried about winning football games to have time for numbers. It's a quality that you can't put your finger on. I call it intangibles.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Little Kids Love Pro Wrestling

So we had two young children staying at our house this week, and I learned a lot through the experience. The 7-month-old and me didn't really do much interacting. She wasn't that interested in me, and honestly, I wasn't that interested in her either. Triple B yo, Babies Be Boring. But the 3-year-old and me were more on the same wavelength. Does this mean I think like a toddler? Yes, yes it does, and I am not ashamed by that.

Anyway, I used this opportunity to poison the future potential of this country by exposing this child to pro wrestling, because of course I was going to show a 3-year-old how awesome pro wrestling is. I mean, his parents knew I was going to do it when they left, and my wife knew I was going to do it too. It was just a matter of finding the right opportunity. I kept asking if he wanted to watch wrestling, but he just kept wanting to watch episodes of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which I will have hot takes on in the near future). Our conversations kept going like this:

Me: You want to watch wrestling?
Him: Turtles.
Me: But wrestling is super cool.
Him: Turtles.
Me (under my breath): Damnit.

This conversation happened about a half dozen times before I finally found my opening when he was putting out (imaginary) fires throughout the house. I put on Raw, but he was more playing with his trucks than actually watching. Then, Kevin Owens wrestled Neville, and it finally caught his attention and hooked him. With all of Neville's flips, he was entranced with the show. There were a bunch of near falls, and I tried to explain a 3-count to him (the pinfall type, not the boy band type), and he kind of nodded his head to make me think he understood.

Then I was sitting on the couch, and I hear him go, "1...2...3!" before jumping on my back and choking me. He did not totally understand a 3-count, but he sure did enjoy counting to three and trying to beat me up, and that's really the most important aspect of pro wrestling.

Eventually, my wife made us stop fighting, because we were being loud as he attacked, and I flipped him onto the couch, showing my dominance of 3-year-olds. She threatened that I'd have to take care of the baby if we woke it up, and that was definitely enough for me to turn off wrestling and go back to Ninja Turtles. God, wives are so lame.

So will the love of pro wrestling blossom? The bad news is that I don't think his parents want to be stuck watching pro wrestling, but the good news is that he was bragging to his parents that he beat me up when we watched wrestling. Oh, that sweet high of carefree violence. That'll get any kid coming back for more.

Pro wrestling is the best.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I Can't Eat Fast Food


I am a cheap person. There are very few areas where I do not go for the cheapest option possible. The only areas that I don't are because of lessons I learned by being too cheap. This is a huge reason why I cook almost all of my meals. Normal adults go out for lunch during their work week. I have not bought lunch on a normal workday (travel sometimes requires it) in years. Now, these are not always gourmet homemade meals, as I have had to stoop to peanut butter sandwiches just to avoid purchasing a lunch. Typing this out does help me realize what a loser I am. But there is another reason that I make all of my own food.

Everything else fucks my stomach up.

I will occasionally fall into the fast food trap over the weekend, and it is always a bad idea. Chipotle, Papa John's, insert burger joint here; they all sound like good ideas at the time, but they mess my world up. It's stomach aches and farts for the next 24 hours. And yet I continue to make these same mistakes.

You know what sounds great every time I pass one or see an ad? Checkers. Checkers is garbage food, but I could easily go for some sort of burger with their delicious ass fries. God, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. But the gut bomb that eating that meal will cost me makes it totally not worth it...and yet I may still do it.

And even though I know fast food will wreck me, I will still purchase and consume it, because marketing works, and I believe that convenience now is a good trade-off for pain and misery later on in my day. I am a dumb human being and need to stick to my own meals. They're healthier and tastier, and yes, there is more work involved, but if you smelled my farts, you'd agree it's best for everyone.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Grapple on the Gridiron Was Awesome

I flew up from Florida this past weekend to attend the Iowa vs. Oklahoma State wrestling meet at Kinnick Stadium. Being at the football stadium, it was dubbed Grapple on the Gridiron. It was totally awesome, and I cannot recommend it enough.

Having an outdoor wrestling meet during the middle of November in Iowa is a risky proposition, but things turned out shockingly well for everyone. The weather was between 50 and 60 degrees with nothing but sunshine as there was not a cloud in the sky. Since there was also a football game featuring the #5 team in the nation taking on one of their most hated rivals, parking could have been a severe issue, but they opened up lots a little ways away from the stadium and set up a shuttle service to get fans to the meet. I was concerned it'd be a total mess, so we got there early, but things really couldn't have run smoother.

But logistics are boring. Wrestling is anything but. Still, this is not a sport with a lot of glitz and glamour. I didn't expect much showmanship in introductions, but I was pleasantly surprised. Before the wrestling began, Metallica blared from the speakers and Thomas Gilman, Iowa's 125 pound wrestler (who could kick all of our asses), came sprinting out as fire shot out of pyrotechnics like he was The Demon Kane. I was so jacked up I could have roundhoused kicked a kitten. Then the rest of the team came strolling out casually as fire shot up around them, so it had more of a corporate Kane feel to it.

But the reason wrestling is so great is that it is a one-on-one battle of wills that is truly compelling to watch. People who understand the basics of scoring in wrestling and can follow along usually become passionate about following the sport, and although it translates well to television, it is one of the most fun sports to attend live in person. The action is fast-paced, and honestly, some of the most fun moments of being in the crowd were when they were actually between action, but we'll get to that later. One of the great things about wrestling is you get to utilize the oo sound in yelling, which is the best thing to yell. I mean the Cowboys had Moose, the Packers have Kuhn, but every single wrestling meet has TWO, which is incredibly fun to yell when there is a takedown.

And luckily, Iowa had plenty of takedowns. And you bring in over 42,000 people in to a wrestling meet and give a good amount of them some alcohol in their system from tailgating, you're going to have a raucous crowd. As I said earlier, the best moments were probably in between the action. A few of the Oklahoma State wrestlers were absolutely gassed in their matches, as they had no energy and were doing everything they could to just hold on. The most hilarious moment was in the first match was when Oklahoma State's Eddie Klimara was slow to get back to the center of the mat, and Thomas Gilman gave him a shove to the back to help him get there as soon as possible. The Oklahoma State were (rightly) irate, and the Iowa crowd absolutely loved it, because Iowa is BY FAR the dirtiest team in the nation. I 100% understand why other schools hate Iowa, but they're my team, and I love them for their, uh, questionable tactics.

But the best part was definitely watching Oklahoma State wrestlers be slow to get back to the center and try to use every trick they could to stall to help them regain some energy when they were exhausted. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was frustrating to watch as an Iowa fan. But as the Iowa fans erupted in boos anytime an Oklahoma State wrestler was slow to get back to the center of the mat, it dawned on me how amazing it is that college sports allow nearly 50,000 people to tell a 20-year-old college student what a piece of shit he is for being tired. God Bless America.

Overall, it was an awesome experience. I was able to take my Dad to his first wrestling meet, and we had a great time, and I'll definitely be looking to do it again next year (and yeah, considering how huge of a success it was, I can't imagine them not trying to do it again next year). As for the results, the meet itself was back-and-forth, but there were a lot of high scoring matches, and the #4 Iowa Hawkeyes edged out the #1 Oklahoma State Cowboys by a score of 18-16. After that, I thought it was really cool that the University of Iowa let the football team use the wrestling stadium for their game against Minnesota. Iowa won that too, and the world is a better place for it.

Go Hawks!

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About XArm?

Consider yourselves failures. You should all be embarrassed. To let something like this slip through the cracks for YEARS. That's right, not days or months but YEARS. Oh, here's XArm, possibly the greatest sports innovation since Slamball, and you all let it slip through the cracks? Come on, you are all better than that. What is XArm? Oh, my friend, do I have a treat for you.

XArm is extreme arm wrestling. It is stupid and AMAZING. How do you make arm wrestling any more extreme than it already is? I'm glad you asked. First, you strap the two opponents together around the wrist so they are locked into an arm wrestling position. Then, you chain them to the arm wrestling table so they are basically stuck in about the space of a phone booth together. That's kind of badass, but not totally extreme. But let's get to the best part. You allow each person to beat the shit out of their opponent.

Once you add in that last factor, the arm wrestling barely matters, because focusing on pinning somebody's wrist loses a lot of its relevance if that guy is repeatedly punching you in the face. I think this XArm battle may do the best job of acting as the embodiment of the sport.

Before we even get to the contest, I'd just like to point out that this between a guy named Aaron Sawyers, who, yeah, if I had to guess what that guy would do in his free time, I would have definitely guessed XArm contests. And his opponent? Buck Acosta. God damn, that is a perfect name for this sport. Like, that's so perfect that I think the final two choices for what to name this was Buck Acosta and XArm, and XArm only won on a coin flip.

The first round gives you just a taste of the action, and it somehow ends in a pin. I think somebody's arm got pinned, because I think there is arm wrestling in this sport, but before the video starts, it says the only ways to win are knockout, submission, and judges decision. Also, I get absolutely jacked for each round with the dubstep music.

But the second round is where we see the true potential of this amazing endeavor. Sawyers decides that he's bigger and should be able to win a battle of strength against Acosta, so he wants to go for straight arm wrestling. Buck Acosta hilariously just starts throwing nonstop right hooks at Sawyers who just tries to cover up until he finally just quits since he has no answer and no escape since he is both attached to Acosta and a table.

This sport is so totally awesome that my mind is near its breaking point. If you're not convinced, well first off, you're clearly a moron, but second, I think this will change your mind.
Just some 260 pound Dad straight up going for an armbar. God, I can't believe how awesome this sport is.

This is not a sport for the feint of heart. This is a sport for men, especially stupid men, most likely Dads. I want to have a kid just so I can enter. This will be my life. This is my destiny.

I love you, XArm.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Rumblr Is the Greatest App Ever Made

Our phones are running our lives these days. Checking email, Twitter, The Facebook Dot Com, not to mention paying bills, and with the advent of Tinder, you can even pick up potential mates. It's truly amazing, and yet none of these things compare to technology's greatest invention, the greatest app ever made. That's right; I'm talking about Rumblr.

What is Rumblr, you ask? Oh, Rumblr is just an app for your phone where you can find and meet people who have a similar interest as you. That similar interest? Fighting. Yep, you can just open up your app, find someone in your area, and see if they'd like to throw down behind the local Publix or Hy-Vee Grocery Store. I mean, you don't have to fight behind the grocery store, but that was the choice spot back in my day.

But it gets better. It is not just for fighters, as you can also just look for fights happening in your area and see two random shitheads throw down in the parking lot by the tennis courts (this was a secondary spot for fights back in my day). Let's face it; there is nothing more compelling than two people fighting. You can't not watch. I will admit that watching people fight can be sickening when watching one dominate another, but it can also be hilarious, like when one person could dominate another, but instead decides to hump them into emasculation instead (this is a thing I have witnessed).

I mean, the people who came up with Tinder did a great job by helping people hook up with other sexy singles, but this is simply on another level. Finally, an app that will allow you to schedule a late-night meet-up, or should I say beat-up session in front of the local sporting goods store (this was a desperation spot for us when we needed to watch a fight).

The only disappointing thing about this app is that it is only coming out to the first 2000 people that signed up, and they're rolling it out on iPhones first. I'm likely not a part of that first 2000, and second, iPhone users lack grit. These iPhone fighters are more likely to do verbal sparring about their Ivy School's graduation rate. Once they roll it out for Android users, you'll start seeing some real fighting going on. And Heaven help us if they ever find a way to roll it out for old school Nokia phone users, because I will finally live my dream of seeing two guys fight each other with taped fists, tarred and covered in broken glass, the way Jesus always envisioned.

So, yeah, I'm pretty excited about Rumblr.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Hulk Hogan's Worst Insult

[Editor's Note: I originally wrote this before Hulk Hogan went all KKK on the world, so consider this the non-racist title of Hogan's worst insult.]

When Hulk Hogan joined the nWo, it was one of the most memorable moments in professional history. The purest babyface in wrestling history had gone heel and no longer cared about his Hulkamaniacs. He had gone Hollywood.

History often looks at Hogan as a great heel, because he was so hated. He actually did do a good job of wrestling as a heel, but this may have been that he already did a lot of heelish things in wrestling matches, but it was allowed, because he was Hulk Hogan. But when it comes to talking, Hulk Hogan may have been the worst heel in history.

You see, Hogan didn't quite understand insults or how to think on his feet. The latter has been made abundantly clear as time has gone on, as his in-ring promos are often repetitive and never seem to actually get to any sort of point. There is no greater example of this than when Hogan was getting set to fight Ric Flair at Clash of the Champions, and to help build the match, he came up with the ultimate insult.

He announced that he was no longer going to call Ric Flair by his name. Instead, he decided to demean Flair, and would only refer to him as, and brace yourself for this because it's a doozy, Hogan was going to call Flair, "The Stupid Little Man."

The Stupid Little Man.

The...Stupid...Little...Man.

Yep, that was his master insult. He really never figured out how the heel persona, but it's Hulk Hogan, and that's all that matters. If the man wants us to cheer, we will cheer. If he wants us to boo, we will boo, because for better or for worse, we are all Hulkamaniacs, and you're a stupid little man if you disagree.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Iowa Hawkeye Fans - Relax

The Iowa Hawkeyes are undefeated at 8-0. Iowa fans are understandably excited about this development since expectations had eight wins as more of a season-long ceiling as opposed to a way to start the season. As an Iowa fan, I am incredibly happy right now with my football team and will actually have positive thoughts during the rest of the regular season.

However, the big bad Internet is not as excited about the Iowa Hawkeyes. They think they are lucky, and they haven't played anybody, so they're not a legitimate national title contender. The leader of this charge is a podcast, The Solid Verbal, which I subscribe to and have listened to every episode for the last four or five years. They started the meme of "Talking to Your Kids About Iowa," something that has taken the world by storm since a couple writers from Tosh.0 got in on the action and made a video about it.

Iowa fans are NOT happy about this. How dare the internet besmirch the great name of Hawkeye Nation and our infallible leader, Kirk Ferentz (a leader who 90% of the fan base wanted fired coming into the season). Iowa fans do not find these videos funny, because their Hawkeyes ARE a good football team, and they have beaten legitimate competition. They will quote the victories over Wisconsin, Pittsburgh, and Northwestern, but come on guys. We can't really brag about beating Northwestern, right? They're Northwestern. And Pitt? Sorry, but Pitt is...they're not bad, they're just fine. I will say that Wisconsin is good, but only good, as Alabama blew them off the field in their opening game.

This culminated in an Iowa fan making a reply video talking about the SEC Myth. It was well done and entertaining, but the argument of, "The SEC isn't even that good," only gets you so far. Yeah, the SEC's greatness is blown up a little, but it is still the best football conference, and yes, that does count for something.

I have bad news for the keyboard warriors who are defending the Kinnick Castle: People are going to continue to shit on Iowa, and there's nothing you can do to stop them.

But I also have good news for those valiant knights of internet justice: You don't have to care. You could just stop caring. Or, if you're like me, you could even laugh at some of it, because it is pretty funny. Nothing the internet says takes away from Iowa's victories. And if Iowa keeps winning, they will be in the College Football Playoff. Think about that. Somehow, that's not a totally implausible scenario right now, and I would have said you were insane had you told me that before the season.

But let's just relax, Hawkeye fans. This is an awesome season, and you should be standing and cheering for your team instead of standing in front of a computer repeatedly stating, "I'm not mad, I just think it's funny" while stripping down naked in your rage.

This undefeated journey could end in any of the next five Saturdays (well, Friday for Nebraska), but it could also keep going. Use your energy to live it up instead of worrying that other college football fans aren't impressed with your college football team. Their thoughts shouldn't be that important to you, but what Iowa is doing on the field is pretty damn cool, and I'd hate for you to miss it.

Go Hawks!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen

Tailgating may be my favorite activity. It is just so damn American. A grill with your choice of meats, being able to drink cheap beers (if you're drinking fancy beers, you're not doing it right; Natty Light or GTFO) during the daytime and have it be socially acceptable, and a sporting contest to top it all off. I mean, dang, is there anything that can compete with that? Tailgating is the best, and it has given me some of my fondest memories.

That is why this one moment will always stick out for me. It stands out as the worst thing I have ever seen, because it was awful on its own, but made worse by happening during something so wonderful.

My buddy had friends tailgating in a good lot, so we met up with them, and most of them seemed like fine people. People were drinking, and some had their parents joining in on the festivities. Now, as a seasoned tailgater, I'm a great believer in the practice of "Checking for CDs." This is a classic move to avoid the lines at the porta-potties where you open up a car door where you search for some fresh tunes to play, and if you happen to unzip your pants and piss by the car door, hey, that's cool too.

A tailgater was using this classic ploy to subtly take a piss by a car when the worst thing I have ever seen happened. Another college student saw this, and said he was going to get the cops. I thought he was joking. But nope, instead of letting it be, because that is what any normal human being would do, he yelled for a police officer to come over and arrest him. I stood there, dumbfounded, as the police obliged and gave the guy a ticket for public urination, which was an offense that became incredibly costly a year before that.

Things actually got worse from there. The guy who called over the police officer continued to lament about how offensive it was that this guy was taking a piss. His friends, instead of rightly calling him out for being a total piece of shit, agreed with him. Then our hero shared his fears by stating, "I mean, my Mom is here and could have seen that." Yes, folks, the "that" that he is referring to, is a penis. Male genitalia. Apparently, he had such little faith in his own Mother that he thought that just seeing a random dick would make her leave his Dad, and start rubbing and sucking that dick until completion. This is what a son thought about his mother.

This was probably seven years ago, and I still tighten up in my chest thinking about it. Why someone would cost someone $300 for peeing in a secluded part of the parking lot. The guy wasn't flashing his dick; he was just looking for some relief, and I honestly didn't even notice the guy until that idiot started ranting about needing justice before his Mom saw a penis and needed to have it.

It's one thing if somebody is flashing their dick or rubbing inappropriately on someone, but if someone is being discreet, show some courtesy and let them be. Tailgating is one of the greatest things about America; don't be a piece of shit and ruin it.

Monday, November 2, 2015

SEC Football Sucks, But Their Crowds Are AMAZING

I went to my first SEC football game this past weekend, as I took in the Florida/Georgia game which is also known as the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. That second part is more that it is in Jacksonville, which is the most spread out city on the planet, so it makes sense that they could spread out a party pretty well. Putting the game in Jacksonville every year is a pretty sweet gig for Florida, which is only a little over an hour away, but Athens is six hours away, so even though the crowd is split, it is a way better deal for Florida.

Anyway, the setup was pretty great. We went with a Georgia alum who had a parking/barbecue lunch ticket for all of us, and the chicken/baked beans, and potato salad were all on point. I drank a bunch of Natural Light, because I am a classy adult who enjoys the finer things in life, and we went off to the game where both teams sucked, but Georgia's suckiness was more evident in that they had a bunch of costly turnovers, and Florida's defense dominated to help them win 27-3.

Honestly, the game was fairly uneventful, especially when cheering for Georgia, but man, oh man, was I glad to be sitting on the Georgia side, because there was so much drama going on around us.

Things were not going Georgia's way, and since they had a lot of hours to drink, added with the frustration of losing, tempers got heated over fairly small things. Before halftime, there were already Georgia fans threatening to fight a group of Florida fans, but the police officer came before things came to fisticuffs. But the one repeated instigator for these scrums were people standing up. People got pissed if others were standing to cheer and watch their beloved Georgia Bulldogs.

The first instance was of two old guys (at least in their 70s) who wanted to sit down and watch the game, and two young ladies were standing in front of them and cheering on the team. The first logical step would be to politely ask them to sit down, and if they didn't, well, tough shit, looks like you're standing. Instead, the old guys immediately got a police officer to threaten them with ejection from the game if they did not sit down. That was totally outrageous, and I'm pretty sure even the cop knew that he couldn't follow through on that plan, because plenty of people kept standing without ejection.

But the cop's threat was enough to get them to sit down. Unfortunately, a young gentleman in front of them was standing, which forced them to stand, which enraged the old dudes behind them. The one dude on the aisle walked down to the gentleman, told him to sit down, and when he did not, he yanked him down by his arm, and then went back to his seat. That only stopped the young guns for a while, and eventually they started standing again.

This all culminated in the other old dude yanking down the girl in front of him, which led to the girl threatening violence if he touched her again, and telling him, quite correctly, that if he wanted to sit and watch the game, he should do so from his own living room. I'm not in favor of fighting old people, but seriously, if 70 years of life experience haven't taught them how to act like adults, honestly, an ass beating might be the best thing for them.

It reminded me of a time in high school where a bunch of parents mistakenly sat in the student section, and then freaked out when I started standing and cheering when the game started. They cussed at me, while I explained that they were in a student section, and I had every right to stand. They proceeded to talk shit about me loud enough for me to hear, as I laughed in the front row. At halftime, they all got up and left, and one dude in his 40s decided to deliver a shoulder block to me, a 17-year-old who weighed all of 140 pounds (I'd like to see him mess with me now that I'm up to 150). The whole thing was childish and hilarious.

But sadly, that was not the only drama caused by sports fans standing during a sporting event. Late in the third quarter, somebody tapped me on the shoulder to get the attention of the guy who was standing in front of me. I obliged, as I knew that me ignoring them would only delay the inevitable.

Of course they wanted the guy to sit down, and he tried to reason with them that he just wanted to support his team. But they still wanted him to sit. After about five minutes, they got so frustrated that they left, but not before making a point. One of the dudes pulled out an ID card, only showed him the back of it for like a second, and said it was his handicapped card. He then said, "You may have won the battle, but you're an asshole," which was just sad. It was sad in that the guy couldn't think of a more pithy one-liner, and it was also sad that this guy thought that anyone who didn't bend to his desires was ultimately an asshole.

Now, as someone who didn't have a strong rooting interest in the game, I was able to sit back and enjoy the atmosphere of people getting worked up over really stupid shit. The game was atrocious, but the fans, the fans were astonishing. God Bless the SEC.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

I Love When White People Describe Other Races

Today's post is just to give a quick shoutout to one of my favorite things in this world. It's when white people are describing someone from another race. Too often, they try to be too progressive and not see skin color in their description of a person. 

I was working on a college campus, and they were trying to describe this black guy named Greg, but they refused to say black guy. It was one of the most painfully hilarious conversations I have ever overheard, as it went something like this.

Guy 1: Oh, you know Greg. He's about our age, in good shape, real friendly.
Guy 2: I don't think I know him.
Guy 1: Oh yeah you do. Nice guy, I know you'd know him if you saw him.

There are like three black guys who work on campus, but guy number one just refused to state the obvious and state his race. As a white male, I'm not allowed to make any proclamations on what is and isn't appropriate when it comes to race (or any other issue for that matter), but I will go as far as saying that I'm pretty sure it's okay to describe someone using their race...

...but I am 100% sure that it is hilarious if you choose not to state the obvious.