Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 6

In the world of Franklin and Bash, they started off with a bang, as the episode starts off with a sexy party at the law office. Sexy parties do not involve girls with glasses, but they do involve former strippers Then the Military ladies start talking in their crazy Navy slang, and obviously nobody knows what they are talking about. Even military ladies are sexy in the world of Franklin and Bash.

In the world of Suits, there was drama, drama, and a goodbye to Donna. That is not nearly as fun, so FandB take the top spot for this week. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Peter Bash - These guys are winging their guns around like they are gangstaz from the streets, and their aim is impeccable. They missed one shot and they were barely glancing at the targets. Peter totally called a bad guy a "Jag Off...icer." Excellent zinger, Mr. Bash. Then it turns out Captain Gina Vaughn has been trying to screw over the other ladies. Bash compares the white lady to George Washington, because he also screamed during battle. Seriously, that fight video is hilarious. Those ladies are throwing round house kicks, punching people with so much force that they go flying ten feet backwards. And throughout the entire video, the white girl just keeps screaming like a lunatic. Those five seconds were better than the entire UFC 149 card this past weekend. In the end, they got their clients charged with mutiny to get Captain Vaughn to confess to setting the whole thing up. Because she will gladly disgrace herself at the last minute. Franklin and Bash are the best lawyers ever.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey tried to make sure a family got no money by trashing their dead husband/son in court. So now he is going to charm their pants off so they will drop a lawsuit. Allison thought this was an awful idea, which obviously made Harvey ignore her advice and speed right over there. The ladies were not happy, so that definitely backfired. That plan kept biting him in the ass. Also, by far the funniest thing about this episode is Harvey casually admitting that he is Michael Jordan's lawyer. 

3. Alyssa Powers - She's a sexy lady. She worked at the Mermaid Lounge in the champagne room, because she, of course, is the one stripper, who is actually only doing it to pay her way through school. She knows Damien, because he's a gentleman when he goes to the Mermaid Lounge. Powers did most of the game spitting at Karp and convinced him that she was going to go to a different firm so they could bang with no consequences. Then, after the sex, she is all like, "Hey, maybe I'll stay at Infeld Daniels and do family law. Cool beans." She really threw Karp for a loop on that one. Then she screwed the pooch on a real estate deal, so Karp has to fire her. But wait, she actually didn't screw the pooch, some nerd with glasses did, so she is now getting offered a full-time position. She loves the sex so she turns down the high paying gig at Infeld Daniels to take a lower offer so she can still date Karp. Lady lawyers who used to be strippers have a very tough time finding suitable bachelors, so this was a very wise decision on Alyssa's part. Had she not made that decision, she probably would have been number one, because she actually asserted herself, which is usually something only a man does in these shows. Still, good work Alyssa. Let's hope you have a better fate than Bash's Lady Cop.

4. Jared Franklin - They are competing against Commander Puckett. Franklin totally called him Commander Suck It. YES! That is a burn, but if anybody said that about my favorite baseball player growing up who shared that same last name, I would end their life. Kirby is sacred. Jared is thinking outside the box to try to get Captain Vaughn to make a misstep. Luckily, he has YouTube on his side where Vaughn takes about women being weak. Little known fact, 90% of lawyering happens on YouTube.

5. Mike Ross - Mike totally called out Donna. Nobody has ever called out Donna in the history of the universe. Then he makes Donna do the right thing, because him not being a real lawyer is not as bad as signing documents. That leads to drama, and Donna losing her job, so nice job, dickface. Then Mike finds out that the tennis player is getting physically abused by his father, but it turns out that was just a ploy by the agent. Mike finds out in time and does the right thing. Still, his biggest contribution on this episode may have been spilling coffee to save Harvey from committing perjury.

6. Damien Karp - Damien has a crush on a summer associate. It turns out that she was just this stripper he knew. We find out about him going to strip clubs, but he was always a gentleman. This bothered me, as it was way more fun to hate Karp and see an occasional decent quality out of him. Now, he is primarily a good guy, who occasionally realizes he hates Franklin and Bash. Karp acts like a bumbling fool, but then totally gives Powers his "power" in the backseat of her car. He promptly apologizes for the meal bloating him so he wasn't showing as much abs as usual. Then, he saves his new lady's job, so he doesn't have a guilty conscience. He played by her rules, so there is no way I can put him in the top five for that.

7. Hanna Linden - She was a JAG. That show was awful. It paled in comparison to Pensacola: Wings of Gold. Hanna is actually helping out Franklin and Bash, but then she goes back to her office to show that she has 52 pages of dirt on Franklin and Bash. Why is she helping then? In the end, she shows that she has a soft spot for them by deleting her Franklin and Bash scandals file. I honestly hope that she would make that public, because that may be the best 52 pages of anything written ever.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica took me for a rollercoaster ride. She lost major points for searching for a settlement. But then, when she finds out that the plea deal means that Harvey is gone, she changes her tune. She plays to win, so she will defend Harvey since she believes in him. She put Hardman in his place and asserted herself as top dog in the office. Nice work, toots.

9. Commander Puckett - I love how every lawyer that Franklin and Bash compete against completely underestimates Franklin and Bash. Franklin and Bash have not lost a meaningful case in two years, maybe you should give them a little respect at this point. But, no, Commander Puckett is supremely confident that he is going to take these civilian nerds to military school. He promptly loses.

10. Stanton Infeld - Best Infeld lie of the episode was that he met the son of Jack the Ripper, whose name was also Jack. He also approves of parties with the summer associates. Stanton did at least win a case for Pindar by being annoying.

Honorable Mention:

Louis Litt - Louis is a cat person, which is not shocking at all. Unfortunately, his cat died right as he introduced it to the world. At least he got a signed tennis ball out of the deal.

Daniel Hardman - Daniel totally reams Harvey for being reckless. But then gets owned by Jessica, because she ain't taking shit from nobody. With this weak performance, Hardman does not deserve to be in all caps this week.

Allison - She has lost three cases in 14 years, which makes her the worst lawyer that has ever been on one of these shows. But she insults Jessica's dress, so she gets hired. Then she goes toe-to-toe with Donna, and it turns out all of her questions are randomly right on, but Donna doesn't take shit from people, so she just leaves, because lawsuits are boring. Then she wants the firm to cut Harvey loose, and that is all it takes to lose your job with Pearson Hardman. She didn't play to win, so there was no choice but to put her in with the honorable mentions.

Harold - Poor Harold is getting abused, because he can't handle Louis's cats. Don't worry; he will definitely be sexing Rachel soon enough.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 5

Programming Note: These will probably be going up early on Tuesday to get everyone primed for the upcoming week of lawyers who play by their own rules.

Now with that out of the way, let's focus on the real news. There was a hot tub scene in Franklin and Bash. This is very important. There were bikini-clad babes just hanging out. Franklin and Bash were too busy drinking and lawyering to join them, but this was still the most important two seconds that either show has had this season. This was a very great week for lawyers who play by their own rules, so remember, just making the list is an honor. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey got pissed at Mike for making fun of The Spinners, so he sold him off to Louis. His shining moment was when he told Tanner to move to the corner of 81st and Kiss My Ass. I do not think that is a real address, but hopefully we will find out in future episodes whether Tanner moved there. Harvey decides to get Donna to do his dirty work. Then he gets replaced by new General Counsel. But he totally goes after Coastal Motors head honcho, because he's fired and all bets are off when you fire Harvey. Even with the settlement that Harvey made them do, Tanner is still coming after him. Harvey plans on burying Tanner, but, um, let's just say that things are going to get real next week.

2. Peter Bash - Peter is not happy, because he gets stuck defending Sal due to Franklin having to have his chicken and waffles. He did have an awesome quote of, "I have also seen all of the Fast and Furious movies outside of Tokyo Drift," which is something that Bash and I have in common. This episode should have been called Unrequited Love, because they said it about 75 times. They have become legendary trial lawyers according to their shadowing law student. Most importantly, we found out Bash got fired from an old job for banging the boss's daughter. That is SO Bash. And yes, it appears that Bash is definitely back.

3. Travis Tanner - He's trying to sue Harvey for fraud, and he's going to take $46 million from one of Harvey's clients to top it off. He is also rhyming his sentences while putting Harvey in his place. He left Harvey speechless after he visited the lady who used to work for Coastal Motors; that is a pretty rare occurrence. Even after Harvey does the right thing and gets the family the money from Coastal Motors, Tanner decides that he is still going after Harvey, just to be a dick. He has no moral compass, and that is something that gets respect on this list. 

4. Louis Litt - Louis is getting shut down by HARDMAN to start off the episode. But Louis got Mike Ross to work for him, so that's all good. Then he bans him from sex. That is one hell of a power move. He goes all out for Liquid Water, and even used his own emotion to help him relate to the Durham Foods guy who can't get a promotion. You could make the argument that Louis showed heart, but let's face it, Louis showed guile. He tried to help out Harvey, but Harvey turned him down. Bad move, Harvey, because Louis is a snake, so he recorded Harvey's conversation and informed HARDMAN of everything going on. To top it off, he is going to get revenge on Mike Ross for lying to him. This was an extremely strong week for Louis.

5. Jared Franklin - As I stated earlier, he loves chicken and waffles. He wants to pick sexy ladies for the jury, because sexy ladies love Franklin and Bash. Heard that, playa. But this is also why he hates their legal student shadow girl, Bonnie. She has glasses and is a real stick in the mud. There are a lot of girls that Franklin and Bash could make Prom Queen of Law School, but her, she's got glasses, so there is no chance that she could win (Please make this an episode, benevolent writers of Franklin and Bash). "No Diesel, no fun," was definitely the best quote of the episode and a motto I live every day by. In the end, they tricked DA Hewitt into doing exactly what they wanted. Sure, their client still beat the shit out of three dudes, but jury selection is all that matters, and uh, like, love and stuff.

6. Mike Ross - He's so depressed about working with Louis that he begs Harvey to take him back, but Harvey had bigger fish to fry. Also, Harold now thinks he bangs Donna. He also went over all the files and found the missing piece of the big fraud by Coastal Motors. And Mike also helped them have a win for Liquid Foods, while making a new friend in Louis. Unfortunately, that friendship lasted all of five minutes as he lied to Louis and now Louis wants to kill his unborn children. On top of all of that, he forgot about the hot paralegal, Rachel, and the next guy in these rankings might be filling the hole he left behind.

7. Harold - He starts off the episode by macking on Rachel, the hot paralegal. Holler. He totally got her a stapler. Then she opens her desk and we find out that she has a dozen staplers. Most people viewed this as Harold getting owned by Rachel, but I see it completely different. Clearly, Rachel has some sort of mental handicap. Why wouldn't she ask for staples or post-its, or a pen? Something she could actually use. Harold, this is your time to shine, I expect you to be banging Rachel by the end of the month.

8. Bonnie - She is so nerdy. And really, what a dog, with those glasses and whatnot. Plus, she believes in lawyering with heart, not logic. But this needs to be mentioned, she had the most ridiculous line in the history of the show. In reference to them wooing her, she said, "It's a seller's market." NO. NO. NO. It is the opposite of a seller's market. Expecting a law degree to get you a great lawyer job is like wearing a Burger King crown and expecting to run a country. 

9. Stanton Infeld - I am not 100% sure that Stanton even owns a car. He seems like a crazy homeless man that just wanders the streets all day. President Clinton's Supreme Court Justice Search Team; that may be Infeld's best lie of the season. Although mad props for saying the first gun he ever had, given to him when he was six years old, was from his father and originally taken off a Nazi soldier. I would have found it more believable had he just said that he shit a rainbow in stall number two in the company bathroom. 

10. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is pulling power moves on Louis. He also extended an olive branch to Harvey, but there is no way to know what his end game is. In the end, he is still trying to get Louis on his side, and HARDMAN found out what they were hiding. He was super pissed, but then he decided that they all needed to work together to conquer this as a team. Although his blow-up was manly, he seems to want to play within the rules which is a huge knock in these rankings.

Honorable Mention:

Janie Ross - I am putting her in to let ladies know to not have sex with Peter Bash. You will disappear afterwards. Hopefully, Janie can make a comeback and not end up like Cop Girlfriend, may God show mercy for her soul.

Hanna Linden - Hanna actually gave some real advice about picking ladies for the jury. Then she was demeaned when talking about love because Franklin assumed that she was hitting on him.

Jessica Pearson - She's putting Harvey in his place and telling him to clean up his shit before they have to deal with HARDMAN. Then she realizes she must work with the HARDMAN for the sake of the company. This was actually a much better week for women than what we have seen in the past, but Hanna and Jessica just did not have enough screen time to crack the top ten. 

DA Hewitt - He let Franklin and Bash use all of their jury challenges before they knew that they had to change their whole defense. But he fell for their shenanigans in the end, and Miss Kiki will clearly bury his case and leave him with nothing but his dick in his hand. 

Black Gay Lawyer Guy - Probably attending the MIT Sloan Conference, because he is the most progressive character in television history, and that just seems like something he would do. I already miss this guy. Please come back.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

We Need To Talk About These Jose Canseco Old Milwaukee Commercials

The world is abuzz over the latest, greatest, innovative ads from Old Milwaukee. First, they got Will Ferrell to do some ads in various smallish cities for Old Milwaukee, but now they've brought out the big gun. That's right, they got the man with his guns hangin' and bangin', Jose Canseco. As far as I know, it aired only in Kansas City, and it is pretty awesome. Let's tackle these commercials one by one (Actually, two by one. Also, turn your volume way up as the sound is a little weak on these videos).

Commercial 1
This one is so simple, yet so beautiful. Just one of the most powerful swings in the history of baseball straight up crushing a beer can in slow motion. Then, Old Milwaukee lets you know that they were behind the genius of this commercial.

Commercial 2
Jose gets to show off his acting chops by talking about how a few bad apples can't drag down the game of baseball. Just like a few days of puking following a night of drinking Old Milwaukee shouldn't stop you from drinking it in the future. Baseball's back, Jose Canseco's back, and since a lot of us went through an Old Milwaukee phase, maybe it's time for us to get back to our roots and start drinking our old friend.

Commercial 3
This is the commercial that shines the brightest. It is specifically designed for the Kansas City market, but I feel it can be enjoyed by anyone. Kansas City isn't in a slump; it's just that the rest of the world started cheating. "Sometimes last place, is first place," is really a fantastic quote.

As easy as it is to make fun of Jose Canseco, these commercials are all very well done. Old Milwaukee found what would work for him and did a great job with it. I'm still a Natty man, but Old Mil has just moved up to my number two.

Monday, July 9, 2012

This Avion Commercial Makes No Sense

So, I keep seeing this Avion commercial on TV, and I cannot figure it out. It is, quite possibly, the dumbest commercial ever made. I know it doesn't hit you over the head with stupidity like some commercials do, but if you actually watch it carefully, you will realize that there is no discernible plot or motivation in these characters. Just check out the commercial, and then I will break it down below:

:01 - Man opens door to reveal sexy lady who is dressed in all leather. Man is at a loss for words, but we do get the impression that these two are dating as he calls her, "Honey."

:11 - She tells him to sit and he obeys. Honestly, sitting is way more comfortable than standing, so this is a pretty easy direction for him to follow. It only qualifies as slightly more of a command than, "Eat this steak." Also, it appears that he sits down on a leather chair which means there is no way he could have his arms tied to the chair. This will become important later.

:15 - She puts on gloves. I don't know why she couldn't have put on the gloves before she got there, but whatever.

:19 - Dude is starting to get nervous now that her gloves are on as he asks her, "Do we need a safe word?" She shushes him, even though he asked a very reasonable question at a reasonable volume.

:21 - Okay, this is where it gets weird. There are somehow lit candles all over this guy's apartment. I really don't know any guys who light candles, but this guy had a ton of them. Even more inexplicable is she just starts dumping candle wax on the floor. That is going to be a pain in the ass to clean up. What is your end game, woman?

:23 - She blindfolds him. She never actually ties him down, but she does blindfold him. At no point does he think to reach his arms up and take off the blindfold.

:30 - She has two glasses filled with ice, but only pours Avion into one of the glasses. Why did you put ice in both glasses? You are the least efficient human being ever.

:35 - He smells the drink and realizes that it is Avion. He should probably ask her to get him a glass or at least take off the blindfold and do it himself.

:40 - She takes off his blindfold and drinks the Avion. The dude sits there dumbfounded. I'm not sure why, but I am guessing that she is a recovering alcoholic who just got her token for a year of sobriety. At least that would make sense.

:50 - She leaves some of the Avion in the glass. Finish your drink, woman.

:54 - She leaves, saying, "That'll do for now." Um, I'm just going to let Matthew Kennedy Gould express my feelings here.

So, quick summary. Some dude's girlfriend spends a lot of time to get all dolled up in her sexy leather outfit, so she can blindfold her boyfriend, pour wax on his floor, drink a little bit of tequila and leave. That doesn't make any sense. It would have been way smarter for her to go to a bar and have some, or even go to the local liquor store and buy her own bottle. It probably cost her a decent chunk of change driving to her boyfriend's place, because, let's face it, no girl dressed like that is taking public transportation. It'd be even worse if she had to pay for a cab.

I don't even know who they are trying to sell this product to. Are they trying to sell this product? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that both of the characters are mentally handicapped, and although that would be a really progressive commercial, I doubt that Avion is trying to become The official Tequila of the Mentally Handicapped. 

My brain hurts. If anyone from Avion could contact me about this, that would be greatly appreciated. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Franklin & Bash Power Rankings: Week 4

No Suits this week, which means that this week is dedicated to the antics of Franklin and Bash. Honestly, Suits would have had to have had a strong performance, because there was some great lawyering on FandB. They started off trying different sexual positions in a mock airplane bathroom to prove that it is impossible for fat people to join the Mile High Club. Unfortunately, we are five episodes in and there has been zero hot tub scenes. For last week's rankings, click here. Without further adieu, here are this week's rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Peter Bash - Bash is spitting game at his old lady, Janie, which clearly means that Cop Girlfriend was killed in the line of duty. Since these shows are a week apart, he probably mourned her for four days, and I know that doesn't sound like too long, but there were probably three epic parties in that four night span. He finally broke down and started playing Hall and Oates to seduce the ladies last week. Plus, he totally tricked "The Ice Queen" into revealing her relationship with the convict. Oh yeah, on top of that, he ended up "Bashing" Janie this week. That is the number one effort that we have been waiting for all season long from him. Nice job, Peter.

2. Black Gay Lawyer Guy - i know he lost the case, but let's look at this objectively. He is a black guy. On top of that, he is gay. He is a gay guy who plays sports. He is a minority on top of a minority on top of a minority. This may be the most progressive character in television history. On top of all of this, he made fun of Lance's gay manhood, because Lance could always get it up with the ladies. No trouble banging chicks? What a loser. As awesome as that was, my favorite line, by far, was "He doesn't love men; he just loves softball." He really thought that Lance had the following internal dialogue, "Man, I sure do love softball. If only they made softball for straight people. Welp, until that happens, guess I’ll just pretend to be gay, because that won’t affect my life at all. Coming out of the closet is super easy, and I will be able to play softball. Best plan ever." I really hope Adam Sandler does not read that last sentence, because he will definitely make a movie out of it.

3. Damien Karp - Lance broke his nose back in college. I swear there is a 16 year old writing for this show as Karp said, "You banged every 8, 9, 10 on campus." Grown ups don't talk like this. Something that bothers me about Infeld-Daniels is that nobody does any research on their own clients. Gay dude was married? WHAT!? That seems like simple information that you would find out along the way. Luckily, Lance was once in love with Karp, so they won the case despite having zero evidence. To end, I cannot believe that the writers of Franklin and Bash missed out on the most obvious joke ever. Lance said he wasn't into Karp, because he wasn't in shape. Karp responded that he has large internal organs. I was livid when Lance didn't respond with, "I'm only into guys with large external organs." Producers of Franklin and Bash, if you need to bring in a writer who will help you insert more penis jokes, I'm your man. 

4. Derek Kohler - You gotta be a lawyer to be a judge, so he makes the list for this week. Also, he is clearly a wise law dude as he immediately hired Franklin and Bash when he got arrested. He was framed, Franklin and Bash help him out, and then he is back to judging cases that Franklin and Bash are working on. Franklin and Bash are like, "Uh, dude, conflict of interest?" And he's all like, "No, it's cool, because you didn't file a motion to have me off the case." Meanwhile, prosecuting attorney (not shown) has to be thinking, "Uh, can I file to get you off this case, because you clearly love Franklin and Bash?" Luckily nobody cares what not shown lawyer dude/lady thinks.

5. Stanton Infeld - This was a weak episode for Infeld's blatant lies. My favorite was probably when he talked about his "polysexual awakening." He definitely just messed up on his words, meant "asexual awakening" and was just referring to the first time he masturbated. Infeld did make a jury question a man's gayness by mentioning Dancing with the Stars, Kathy Griffin, and the gayness of Yoga and Pilates. At first, I was kind of appalled at how offensive that is to the gay community, but actually sitting down and writing it makes me realize that it is so far beyond offensive that it is actually kind of enjoyable.

6. Jared Franklin -  Bash really carried the episode, and Franklin's rating suffered because of it. The only thing notable Jared did was getting scared by a convict. Ha, like convicts are dangerous. What a pussy.

7. Janie Ross - Janie fake seduced Peter to try to get what she wanted. Then she got herself Bashed. Sextivities. But seriously, she never wins a case. I can't believe that LA jails aren't completely empty with her as the prosecution. Think about that, she does nothing but lose, and she is still the highest rated lady on this list.

8. Margaret Pollack - The Ice Queen. She was totally trying to screw over the Judge for some dorky convict. Seriously, though, that guy was a total turd burglar. The Ice Queen was pretty hot. Couldn't she have gotten with a buff, badass, convict guy? Franklin and Bash Producers, if casting for a buff, badass dude, again, I am available.

9. Hanna Linden - The Cooper Test. They didn't know that Lance had a wife, but Hanna knew that he drove a Mini Cooper and likes both Bradley and Anderson Cooper. She did drop some deep knowledge on Karp, but she didn't do anything close to practicing law. This is still a huge step up from last week where her main objective was to fondle Pindar's hand.

10. Pindar Singh - Because I needed a tenth lawyer.

That's all for this week.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Chael Sonnen Will Beat Anderson Silva

The biggest fight in the UFC for this year is happening on Saturday when Anderson Silva defends his title against Chael Sonnen. The trash talk may be overshadowing the fact that this should be an awesome fight. Although many people rave about the first fight, it was really more shocking than great. Watching Chael Sonnen beat up Anderson Silva for 23 minutes was fun, but it was really just watching a better fighter beat up on somebody who wasn't on his level. I was one of the few people who believed Chael would beat Silva in their first fight, and my opinion is unchanged. Chael Sonnen will be crowned the Middleweight Champion on Saturday night.

Anderson Silva is a great fighter. There is no denying that. He has beaten everybody that has been put in front of him since he got to the UFC. Chael Sonnen's resume does not match up to Anderson Silva's. Looking at this matchup on paper, Anderson Silva will definitely win. However, this ain't no paper fight, and Chael Sonnen will beat Anderson Silva. He might even make it look easy.

I was born and raised in Iowa. That fact alone makes me a better wrestler than most. When I came out of the womb and the doctor was trying to cut the umbilical cord, I put him in a whizzer, because I thought he was going after my whizzer. Chael's not from Iowa, but a little thing like wrestling on the US Olympic team gives him honorary Iowan status. Wrestling is the martial art of the USA, and it's really effective against people who don't know how to defend it.

Anderson Silva is a poor wrestler. He is training down in Brazil which just shows that he is not taking this fight seriously. You know who's a good wrestler out of Brazil? Nobody; they all suck. They think a double leg is a style of pants. If he was serious about being the best he could be, he would train in the US, where he could train against wrestlers. 

Some would say that his jiu jitsu is so great that he can be taken down in the fight and still win. Although it did work out in the first fight, if he was that good, he wouldn't have let Sonnen beat him up for four and a half rounds. He went for the same move for the entire fight, and the triangle is definitely his go-to maneuver in a fight. He telegraphs what he wants to do, although I think he is very good at maneuvering his way into getting what he wants, even if he isn't sneaky about it. I really don't think Sonnen has to worry about being swept, because Silva has never shown great aptitude with leverage.

So then we have the people who believe Silva will be better in this fight, because he is 100% for it. But what documentation of an injury do we have outside of Anderson saying he had a hurt rib? A hurt rib is not an injury, it's some pain in your torso. I once bruised my rib while I was training in MMA. It hurt like hell. I told my coach about it, and he looked at me like I was the biggest pussy in the world. He was right; I am a giant pussy, but I still never took a day off, and after my coach made me realize what a pussy I was being, I never made another peep about it. Anderson Silva has been talking about his hurt rib for two years.

I understand that Chael Sonnen rubs some people the wrong way. I think he is awesome, personally, but even with my bias thrown out the window, it is really tough to make the argument that this guy is an asshole. Yes, he has talked a lot of trash about Anderson Silva, but he has also had matches with Brian Stann and Michael Bisping between his last fight with Silva. He had nothing but nice things to say about Stann, which is pretty easy, because Brian Stann is an American hero who is a really nice guy who does great things for veterans. Also, everybody hates Michael Bisping, and Sonnen still did not go out of his way to talk trash. He just hates Anderson Silva. That doesn't make him an asshole, that makes him human. We all have those people that we just don't like; it's just that Chael is open and honest about it.

Also, Chael Sonnen is a really good fighter. He's the best wrestler in the middleweight division, and his striking is very underrated. Honestly, it is tough to come up with a guy who can beat him, because Anderson Silva ain't that guy. Get ready for the greatest fighter in the Middleweight division to take his title, and don't expect him to give up that title anytime soon. Long live the title reign of Chael Sonnen.

Monday, July 2, 2012

I Took Hacksaw Jim Duggan To The Airport

Last week, Hacksaw Jim Duggan made an appearance at a local minor league baseball game. Since I have connections in that industry (I am a very important person), I had the opportunity to take Hacksaw to the airport the following morning.

The first thing you should know is that Hacksaw is as awesome as he seems on TV. He is an incredibly nice person, even very early in the morning. He immediately thanked me for picking him up, wondering how I got stuck with this duty. Stuck? I volunteered to set my alarm for 4:00 AM, so I could pick him up at 4:45. In fact, I was so excited that I was wide awake by 3:45 AM. I swear, despite what that last sentence may lead you to believe, I am a fully functioning adult.

I met him the night before as he was signing autographs for fans. It was very impressive that he did not just sign an autograph an keep the line moving. He gave every fan about a 1-2 minute conversation. The line did not move fast, but he was willing to stay after the game had ended so he could meet with everyone. So I met Hacksaw the night before, and he loved my old school Royal Rumble shirt. And no, I did not wear that on accident since he won the first Royal Rumble, I planned my outfit to go meet Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I am not ashamed about this at all.

So, back to our ride to the airport. I pick him up and tell him he will probably have to move the seat back in order to get in my car, because he is a lot bigger than my girlfriend. That got a good laugh out of him and a response of, "Let's hope so!" That's another thing with Hacksaw. I hate exclamation points, but I feel like I would be doing a disservice if I did not end every Hacksaw quote with an exclamation point. He's a loud dude with a lot of energy.

Hacksaw talked about how he got started in wrestling. Fritz Von Erich recruited him while he was playing football at SMU, but he never thought he would do it, because he wasn't a wrestling fan and was focusing on football. But after a year with the Atlanta Falcons and a year in the CFL, he got started in wrestling and the rest is history.

Hacksaw also disliked that they have a bunch of writers from Hollywood coming up with the storylines and writing down everything the wrestlers are supposed to say. So some nerd writer comes up to Hacksaw and hands him a script, Hacksaw respond, "You think you can tell me what I'm going to say!?" The writer responds that this is what Vince wants him to say. So you know what Hacksaw did? He read the script and collected his paycheck.

Would you like spoilers? If not, skip to the next paragraph. But lets just say that if you are patiently waiting for a Hacksaw appearance on a WWE television program, you won't have to wait long. Tuesday is the Great American Bash Smackdown, and Hacksaw will be there, hopefully cracking skulls and happily carrying a 2X4.

As he was leaving, I asked him whether he still watches wrestling. He told me that he doesn't, and then dropped this analogy on me, "A butcher doesn't watch somebody chop meat on his day off!" That analogy makes very little sense, because nobody watches people chop meat for fun, but even though its batshit crazy, it's still awesome, because Hacksaw said it.

The thing that I'm left with is wishing Hacksaw was always around. Not only is it incredibly easy to get a USA chant going, but his presence is the only time where it is socially acceptable to yell HOOOOOOO! with ladies present, and I dig that.
In conclusion, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is awesome, and if you have the chance to drive him to the airport, no matter what time it is, you should totally take advantage of that opportunity.