Monday, December 31, 2012

The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.
I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.
Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.
Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.
...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.
No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.
This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.
Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.
Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.
This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.
I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

Friday, December 28, 2012

UFC 155 Picks

Well, I haven't made fight picks in a while, so let's change all that and pick some money winners for UFC 155. It's not a great card, but it's solid, and seeing probably the two best heavyweights in the world square off should make for a good time for all. And to add another level to the fun, I will add a play on words for each of my picks. Where else are you going to find that sort of quality?

John Moraga (-170) over Chris Cariaso
Moraga has been tearing through fools lately, and his only loss is to the best flyweight in the world, John Dodson. Cariaso is a tough cookie, but I expect Moraga to chew through him on his way to a unanimous decision.

Todd Duffee (-350) over Philip De Fries
Duffee is back in the UFC and will probably a"salt" De Fries in the first round with a knockout.

Max Holloway (-375) over Leonard Garcia
Leonard Garcia is a gritty fighter, but the talent level seems to have passed him by. Unfortunately, after this second round TKO, Leonard will be saying Gar-seeya to the UFC.

Michael Johnson (-250) over Miles Jury
I really don't know much about Miles Jury, so this pick is coming from a place of partial ignorance. Johnson has looked impressive lately, so after this fight, the Jury will find Johnson guilty of a dominant decision win.

Erik Perez (-450) over Byron Bloodworth
Perez has torn through his two opponents in the UFC, and I do not expect that to change with this fight. Oh, there will be blood, but it will be Byron Bloodworth's, as he gets stopped in the first round.

Eddie Wineland (-120) over Brad Pickett
Wineland has struggled with wrestlers, but Pickett is from England, so the only wrestling he knows about involves William Regal. This should actually be a really fun fight to watch as I think both guys are going to throw down. Expect Wineland to crush Pickett like grapes in a decision victory.

Jamie Varner (Even) over Melvin Guillard
Shit, man, these are two guys that I hate predicting their fights, because they either dominate or completely shit the bed. I'm guessing that I'll be Smellvin Guillard's poopy pants when he gets caught in a submission in round one.

Constantinos Philippou (-110) over Tim Boetsch
Philippou has been dropping bombs on fools, but Boetsch seems like he is able to weather the storm and just keep coming. Still, absorbing punishment is never an ideal strategy for victory. Expect Philippou to be too much as he smacks that Boetsch up on his way to a decision win.

Jim Miller (-225) over Joe Lauzon
Miller does well when he can outwrestle his opponent, and he should be able to outwrestle Lauzon. Lauzon is a tricky dude, so I don't feel great about the pick, but this is most likely a run-of-the-Miller victory against J-Lau.

Derek Brunson (+140) over Chris Leben
I've never liked Leben, and he seems to have a lot of troubles outside of the octagon. With that many issues, it's hard to believe he still has the time to give the necessary training to keep improving. Brunson will do enough to have Leben looking like a real Munson in this fight.

Alan Belcher (-110) over Yushin Okami
Okami is really only impressive in the way he overpowers opponents. He has faced a lot of guys who were better served at welterweight. Belcher is a legitimate middleweight who has excellent striking ability. Yushin? More like Dushin, because he is going to get TKO'd by Belcher in the second.

Cain Velasquez (+160) over Junior Dos Santos
I picked Velasquez in the first fight, and a minute of action is not enough to change my mind on who is the better fighter. I have a horrible bias towards wrestlers, but that's because wrestling is super valuable in MMA. Cain had a bad knee in the first fight, so I expect him to take advantage of openings to take Dos Santos down. He took down Brock Lesnar with ease, and I cannot imagine that Dos Santos has wrestling on the level of Lesnar. Cain does have a tendency to keep his chin up, which could be bad for him, but I still believe that Cain is Able.

Monday, December 24, 2012

I Wish I Had Better Dreams

Last night, I had a dream where I was out for a run and ran across a stray dog that had a ton of energy. It started running with me, but I wanted to find the owner, so I stopped, looked at its collar and realized it had a phone number but no address. I stopped by a house to try to get somebody to call the number. Before anything could get resolved, I woke up. This is a very boring dream.

Flash forward to my Christmas Eve run. With about a mile to go to the house, a stray dog starts running with me. It came right by a yard, so I decided to try to get the owner to take care of the dog. I went up to the house, where the guy saw me through the window. I pointed at the dog as if to ask whether it was his, and he mimed that he had never seen that dog before. Well, shit. I guess I will just go about my run and see where this goes. This dog follows me like a loyal soldier until I come across a car that is about to turn out on the highway. I get them to stop, and I check the dog's collar. Its name is Tillie, and its owner name is Paul. There is no address, but there is a phone number. They call the number and leave a message, because Paul doesn't pick up. I continue on my run, and Tillie gets distracted by a UPS guy. Good, I think, he can help out the dog, since there really isn't much I can do with my running clothes and iPod to help out a dog. I happily continue on my run until I turn back and see the dog sprinting to catch up to me. She catches up, stays right by my side, and follows me until the last eighth of a mile. Then, it again got distracted and bothered some other people in the neighborhood. They appeared to be looking at the collar when I got to my house, so I hope they are able to find Paul.

So that story is not that exciting, but it was quite weird. Basically, what I learned from the whole experience is that stray dogs love me, and I really wish I would have had a supermodel orgy dream last night, as my morning would have been far more exciting.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Predictions For The B1G Bowl Games

I am a glutton for punishment, hence I watch a lot of B1G football. And holy hell was that an awful idea this year. Because of the pain and misery that I suffered, I feel like I am a good source on information on whether the B1G can actually win any of these bowl games. Oh, but you also must realize that I have spent so much time watching B1G football that I do suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, so I have started to empathize with my captors. I added my confidence points at the end to sure how confident I was in each team.

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech - Texas Tech is a huge favorite over Minnesota, because everything that people have seen from these teams shows that Tech is a far superior squad. Still, Tommy Tuberville left Tech to go to Cincinnati which is a step sideways at best. I really like to go against teams who lost their coach, but their coach was Tommy Tuberville, and this is a Minnesota team that lost to Iowa, so yeah, not even I can justify a Minnesota win here.
Texas Tech for 18 points. I am probably one of the lowest point totals here, but Jerry Kill could have a seizure and really get his team pumped for a victory.
B1G Record - 0-1

Michigan State vs. TCU - Michigan State lost to Iowa, so this is a pretty easy decision, right? Wrong. Michigan State was actually a pretty good team this year. They were just incredible at not coming through when it mattered. The only team that really beat them down was Notre Dame, and they're in the National Championship. TCU is okay, but these are not the Andy Dalton-led Horned Frogs. Michigan State has found a way to lose a lot of games this year, but the roulette wheel has hit black five times in a row, so I'm putting all of my money on red (Note: This is a gambling strategy that I know to be terrible but have used on many occasions).
Michigan State for 32 points. Yep, I really did that. Mark Dantonio didn't put that many points on this team, but I did.
B1G Record - 1-1

Northwestern vs. Mississippi State - God, I hate Northwestern. With their fancy education and porsches, seriously, they are the worst. If I had the choice to spend a weekend with Northwestern graduates or Juggalos, I'm picking Juggalos EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to pick against them, but they are actually a pretty competent team. Mississippi State started out how this year, and then they started playing real SEC teams and got curb stomped week after week. So yeah, Northwestern is good enough to win one for the B1G.
Northwestern for 23 points. Because, what do SEC schools know about football?
B1G Record - 2-1

Purdue vs. Oklahoma State - Not even I can justify Purdue winning this one. I can't find a way where they keep it close. They are awful...and yes, they still beat Iowa.
Oklahoma State for 35 points. Yep, I'm willing to wager everything on this one, and I am not sweating it one bit.
B1G Record - 2-2

Michigan vs. South Carolina - These next two games are examples of where most people just take the SEC team, because they should crush their B1G opponent. I actually really like South Carolina, mostly for Jadeveon Clowney, but Michigan is kind of dangerous. I like them more with Gardner at QB and Robinson as a jack-of-all-trades on the offense. I think it gives them a more dynamic offense. Still, Clowney might eliminate both of their quarterbacks in this game. He's kind of a big problem for that offense, so I cannot justify taking Michigan.
South Carolina for 25 points. I put a pretty good amount of points on this game, but I thought hard about it, and I feel that's important.
B1G Record - 2-3

Nebraska vs. Georgia - Georgia seems to shit the bed a lot. Nebraska seems to shit the bed a lot. Expect both teams to shit the bed, but Georgia has three potential first rounders on their defense (despite not having that great of a defense), so expect them to wipe up with the Cornhuskers.
Georgia for 27 points. I'm not sure if I will ever pick Nebraska to win a bowl game.
B1G Record - 2-4

Wisconsin vs. Stanford - I know the answer to this one. It's Stanford, right? Stanford. Okay, I feel good about that...but Wisconsin did dominate a bed-shitting Nebraska team in the B1G Championship. And Chris Borland, probably my favorite player in the B1G, should be fully healthy. Plus, Stanford really designed their defense to stop quicker teams like Oregon, so maybe Wisconsin's power attack could cause some problems. And most importantly, I got B1G blood running through my veins.
Wisconsin for 7 points. B1G! B1G! B1G!
B1G Record - 3-4

I know that I'm higher on the B1G than most, but I could honestly see any of the B1G teams winning their bowl games...except Purdue. Purdue is awful. But any other team, with help from their opposition could win the game. B1G for life.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Let's Break Down Thamys's "Party @ Ur House"

Something that never ceases to amaze me is how much people love shitty pop culture. In music, we have that Friday song and Gangnam Style. In movies, it's sparkling vampires and Billy Crystal. And in television, it's Honey Boo Boo and Big Bang Theory (or anything on CBS, for that matter). I don't know how these things are popular. That is why I fully expect this video to blow up.

It's got awful singing, pathetic lyrics, and international flavor. Thamys is taking over, so this breakdown should help you prepare for when she does.

:01 - Just Thamys sitting on her bed, 'bout to make a hit single, no biggie.

:09 - What's this, a text message? Her friend is inviting her to a party at her house. Holla!

:15 - Going to a party, so you know she's got to put on her freshest lipstick and dopest fingerless gloves. Otherwise everyone would make fun of her.

:21 -
Thamys has gotten it going on. Her bracelet is doing a great job of complimenting her jacket and gloves. The fingernail polish is on point. Her hair is rockin. She's even got some purple/pink/red (I'm not good with colors) highlights in her hair, so all the boys will be like, "Ooh, girl, you be lookin' phat as all get out."

:33 - Rock like never before, rock like never before, rock like never before...

:45 -
I just wanted to point out that they get in this car, but nobody gets in the front seat to drive. Thamys has a ghost driver, and combining that with what she's wearing on her lower body, she's probably partied harder than any of us can even imagine.

:46 - "Live hard, party hard, party like a rock star." You used party twice. You have access to a ghost driver, I am sure you have access to a thesaurus. You also rhymed rock star with super star, which is also just lazy on your part. Come on, Thamys, you're better than this, and you prove that later on in this video.

1:17 - Now onto my second favorite part of the video. Look at how bummed out these dudes are.

Wow, those dudes are bummed out. These fellas aren't partying like rock stars. Dudes, I got great news, Thamys is here. Now look how excited they are.

Yep, all is right in the world.

1:33 - My favorite part was something I didn't even notice until my second viewing. Where did this guy come from?
I did not notice him the first time around. Why is he sitting down while everybody else is standing?
Oh. That's a wheelchair. Hum, I did not see that coming, but I'm happy he's at the party. By the way, is he just in the middle of the dance party with everyone around him the whole time?
Oh, God damnit. Why did they just put him in the corner while she tries to romance this dude? That is a real dick move. One day, he will rise up again and he will party harder than all of you combined. He will not party like a rock star, he will party like a rock god.
OH YEAH! It's still party time for this broski. Can't nobody hold him down. You keep rockin' young fella. But I know you can do better. Let me guess, your date hasn't arrived yet. I already know who this is. He didn't invite any of these normal high school girls, he went straight to his little black book, skimmed through until he got to the U's. Hey, who's got two wristbands and is about to bang Kate Upton?

2:20 - It's time to speak French, because, duh, why wouldn't you?

2:30 - For the last 45 seconds of this video, it's a lot of living hard. There's a lot of partying hard. Overall, they are partying like rock stars. So, who's down? Party @ ur house?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Let's Talk About Rhino Sex

The most popular thing I have written for this blog, by far, is Let's Talk About Dolphin Sex. That makes me happy and disgusted all at once. It is disturbing the amount of people that look up human sex with dolphins and find this blog. But hey, like they always say, what happens in international waters, stays in international waters.

Although I haven't received many reader requests lately, I did get one the other day. Reader Influ Ence simply went to the Facebook page and wrote, "Rhino sex explination." That is incredibly vague, but hey, if that's what the people want, who am I to deny them?

The very first thing I did was Google, "Rhino Human Sex." This led to the subsequent videos popping up:

1. White rhinos mating
2. horny elephant raped rhino
3. Rhino trying to have sex
4. Awkward man tries to have sex with Rhino on Vimeo
5. Rhino Sex (posted by TheBeastialityMan)

I don't want to watch any of those videos. When it comes to researching animal sex, reading is fundamental. Finally, I tried beastiality rhino in my search engine, and that was a terrible, awful, no good, stupid idea.

It would have been fine had I just not clicked, but curiosity got the best of me. I went to a trusted source, They had a site titled "Female Rhino Pics." I knew there were risks involved. If this meant there was a rhino with a female, I had a contingency plan to click away the second I saw human skin before my eyes could focus on the image. What I was hoping for was just a sexy looking rhino lady. You know, maybe she's winking at the camera, or giving a "come hither" look. I'm not into animals, so I don't know what gets them off, but I figured that was a possibility.

Instead, it was EXTREME close-ups of rhino vaginas. Luckily, the images were only thumbnails, because you could definitely full screen these things to get an even more disturbing look.

Um, so to explain rhino sex, it basically just looks like they do it doggy style. I didn't find any evidence of them using their horns for foreplay, which seems like a waste, because I think some freaky rhino ladies might be into that. Hell, some of the less conventional fellas might be into it as well.

Oh, and to satisfy all the readers who are looking for pictures of a sexy rhino, this should do:
Now THAT'S a sexy rhino.

Friday, December 14, 2012

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.
Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.
Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.
Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Mystery of the Cut Ballsack

Get it? Mystery.

Hey guys, we need to talk. Here's the situation: I went out for a run on Saturday morning. It was a rather cold day, so I bundled up and hit the streets. Ten miles later I made it home feeling fine...or so I thought. After eating a banana and washing it down slowly with a glass of water, I decided it was time to hit the shower.

Everything seemed normal as I stripped naked until I was down to nothing but my compression shorts. As I took off my last layer of clothing before hopping in the shower, I noticed something alarming. There was blood in my shorts. Uh, that's not good. My initial reaction was that maybe I wiped too hard and tore my anus a little bit, but, without reaching up in there, I determined that everything was fine on my backside. After further inspection, I noticed that I had a cut near the bottom of my ballsack. I had one thought:

How in the hell did that happen?

Now the most obvious culprit was that there was chafing during my run, and that caused a small cut on my ballsack. Although that theory has legs, I have some serious doubts. Not only was I wearing compression shorts to keep everything tight downstairs, I put on another small pair of boxer briefs over that to keep everything warm on my run. On top of that, I had Under Armour running pants. There should not have been enough jostling to cause this to happen.

I began to think back and realized that I did some manscaping on Thursday. I do not do a full shave, but I suppose it is possible that I could have clipped myself while trimming. Pain don't hurt, so maybe I just didn't notice. Still, I did not notice any blood until two days later. have I been bleeding for 48 hours without noticing it? That seems far-fetched, because I am not tough enough to bleed for 48 hours out of my ballsack without shedding some tears.

Finally, I had to wear a cup to jiu jitsu on Thursday night, so that could have caused some chafing. It doesn't fit that well, so that could have been the culprit. Still, that was far earlier than Saturday morning, so I feel like I would have noticed that earlier.

Was it manscaping? Was it a faulty cup? Was it simply the stress of running? Sadly, I will never know, but I'm really glad we talked.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Don't "Get" The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I don't get the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Now, to most people, that comment makes me sound retarded, and if history has taught me anything, it is that me being retareded is always a very real possibility. Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Most of you are probably thinking, "Hey, Hott Joe, it's hot chicks in lingerie, what's not to love?"

And I understand that. But, with the internet, I can see hot chicks in lingerie at any time that I want. I can see hot chicks with no lingerie at all. That's right; there's naked chicks on the internet. In fact, I don't have the mental capacity to think of something that I would want to see a woman doing that I could not find on the internet.

Could I find women dressed up as clowns having sex with a priest? For sure. Could I see a woman having sex with any animal? Probably, but these are not things I want to see, because these are the types of things that a person cannot unsee.

In porn, are the women as beautiful? Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no, they are not. Even the best in the biz have a snaggle tooth or recent black eye. But I can watch these women do unspeakable things, and I can do it ANY TIME I PLEASE. I have to wait once a year to see a lingerie fashion show with better looking women, but that payoff doesn't quite seem worth it.

The strongest argument is that a little mystery can be sexy, but I'm going to be honest with myself. I'm never going to see a supermodel naked in person. It's just not something that is going to happen. It's not something that I have ever really aspired to have happen, so I'm okay that I'm probably past the point where I can get myself into a wacky enough situation to conjure that one up.

What I'm trying to say is fuck mystery; show me the whole kit and caboodle. In conclusion...

Porn > Lingerie Fashion Show

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My Number One Fan

So, out of pure boredom, I decided to check recent comments on the blog (there are rarely any) when I came across some gems. I found that one user had been very active over a two day stretch, and he immediately became my favorite commenter. User 875b3562-3b7a-11e2-9868-000bcdcb5194 is my new number one fan. I know the name doesn't quite role off the tongue, but this string of comments brought me incredible joy. It all started when he came across the blog by looking up a song that I am guessing that he enjoyed, Thomas Rhett's Beer With Jesus. Needless to say, we very much differed on our opinions of this song.

So, Hott Joe, nice name by the way. I can't help but think it should be Not Hott Joe. :) I am curious as to what kind of classy, non white trash music you listen to based on your comment, “…I thought there might be a new song that would be about partying or drinking excessively that I could jam out to.” Personally, I listen to a little bit of everything (except pop, alternative screamer, or just plain annoying music) including songs about partying and drinking along with songs by Thomas Rhett. I would say there’s a lot of pure crap on country radio such as Taylor Swift, The Band Perry, etc. but I completely disagree with your review of “Beer with Jesus” and Thomas Rhett. Good songs are ones that that make you think and make you feel. Obviously you thought quite about this song while breaking it down. Thomas Rhett is a good songwriter because his music does connect to people, it makes you think, and it can be amusing too. All of his songs sound really good or even better acoustic and to me that is a very good indicator that someone can really sing and write. Too much music of all genres is “overprocessed”. I would agree with the other person who commented that this song is about a conversation with Jesus. After all isn’t that what praying really should be – a conversation and developing a relationship with Jesus? Whether the conversation happens in a bar, while taking a walk, driving a car, in a church, in a jail, on a battlefield, or wherever it’s about the connection not about where you are. Don’t you think that’s how Jesus would want to connect to people (just like he did 2,000+ year ago) by being personal, talking, and creating a bond? What do good friends do? They hang out, they have a drink, they have a meal, they relax, and they talk. I don’t think Jesus would be like those dumbass evangelists in those mega-church auditoriums trying to make everyone swoon around them and asking for all their money! So after wasting my time reading your review I would have to say to other readers “I seriously recommend that you do not put yourself through that.”

The only thing that I would really like to point out about this entire post is that if you are going to mock my GOD GIVEN name of Hott Joe in a simple manner, please refer to me as Nott Hott Joe. Otherwise, the people who come after you will have trouble remembering which one has two t's and which only has one. It just makes it easier for everyone.

Back to the point at hand: Does this anonymous person hate me? In the immortal words of Lee Corso, not so fast, my friend. Instead of giving his opinion and leaving to never be heard from again, he decided to check out some other things on the blog. He decided to read about my hatred for the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial, and this is what he had to say:

Got a good laugh out of this. I do think I might hate the girl Verizon commerical just a little bit more. Why the f*** would Drew Brees be at a barbeque with her?

Uh oh, we are starting to agree on things. Still, the girl is not nearly as bad as the guy. That damn Under Armour shirt pisses me off to no end. I do have to agree that Drew Brees should not be hanging out with a woman who reminds me of Gail the Snail.

Our friend then moved onto the worst people on the planet series that I wrote a few years back. His taste in humor seemed to be maturing rapidly as shown by this comment:

I laughed my ass off. Looking forward to Part 2!

Finally, he brought it full circle by going back to the post on Beer with Jesus and wrote this:

Definitely should have read some of your other stuff first... before I took your song review as half-ass serious. Dolphin sex!? Soaking??? I just may have to "like" you on facebook.

And the 180 degree turn is complete. I now have a new number one fan. Thank you anonymous reader. You are a shining beacon of hope in a dark world that considers me a jackass.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Return of the Greg McElroy

I am not the world's biggest Greg McElroy fan. I'm sure his friends and family root for him more vigorously than I do. But I am probably McElroy's biggest fan in the state of Iowa, and that's not too shabby. It started during his college career as he always did a great job of leading the Alabama offense. Him and Julio Jones created one of the most efficient duos in college football. They weren't they most dynamic or feared, because that's not how Alabama's offense rolls. Still, McElroy was impressive enough for me to name him the most underrated QB in the 2011 Draft.

In 2011, Greg was drafted by the New York Jets. It was a pretty ideal situation, because I was never and will never be a believer in Mark Sanchez. He seems like a nice guy, but he's simply not good at being a quarterback. I knew it was only a matter of time. Finally, Greg got his chance. After three Sanchez interceptions, bringing his total to like 100 for the year, Rex Ryan had seen enough and decided to go with G-Mac. The Mack Daddy did not let him down, as he heroically led his team down the field for the game winning score. They could have scored again, but Shonn Greene downed the ball on the one yard line, because the Jets are a classy team with G-Mac leading the crew.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't prove a whole lot, but it is good to see McElroy having some mild success in his first real action. As I said before the draft, I didn't see a star, but I saw a serviceable quarterback. The Jets defense has quietly been very good again this year, and a serviceable QB like McElroy could make them a dangerous team in the future. Plus, if he came out to this song...

...he would become the most popular player in NFL history.