Thursday, December 8, 2016

I Saved Thanksgiving

Since we bought a house a few months ago, I have began my pursuit to become a competent handyman. I have fixed, built, and installed things since moving in, and although most people aren't incompetent boobs when it comes to these things, I definitely started as one but have now evolved into only sort of a dumbass. If there was a riddle that said, "Every time you use one, you look like one," the answer would be tool.

My shining moment began on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I was at work, while my wife had the day off since her whole family was either in town or on their way. She contacted me to tell me that the oven was having issues. I knew that was not good, because a working oven is an incredibly important aspect of cooking a Thanksgiving meal. Since the oven was likely 20 years old, I told her it was probably in our best interests to get a new range (that's the fancy word for an oven/stove combo; I honestly don't know if you can get the two separately).

Since I wasn't too busy at work, I did some research on ranges. I found some Samsung options that I liked and figured that if they're good enough to make a TV in my living room, they're certainly good enough to make my home appliances. Also, one lady gave a review where she described the knobs as "sexy." SOLD.

But there is an issue with that. Apparently, stores don't just have a bunch of ovens hanging out in the back. Luckily, my wife was able to shop around and find a Lowe's where a customer service rep not only found one in the back but accidentally promised next day delivery when he definitely shouldn't have done that. Oh well, our score, as once they said they could do it, they had to honor it, so we were going to get an oven delivered on Wednesday.

Oh, and just as a fun sidenote, we also found out that we only had 7% of our propane tank left, so there was a chance that even with a new oven, we may not have enough propane to actually run it.

The range got delivered on Wednesday night around 5:00, and that's where I come in. I had already disconnected the old one and saw that this was actually going to be a super easy installation. Plug it in for power and then connect the gas and make sure there isn't a leak there, and bingo bango, we'd be ready for turkey the next day.

Everybody was going out for pizza, so I figured I'd be good after a quick hookup to feast on some celebratory 'za. That's when I ran into some issues. I tried to hook up the propane and realized it didn't fit, because apparently they are supposed to sell you a conversion kit to help hook up propane to a gas range. Apparently propane and gas are different things and not just like in-line skates and Rollerblades or tissue paper and Kleenex. This is literally what I thought, because I am a stupid person.

But I guess it's good that they didn't give us the conversion kit initially, because that gave me time to read through the instructions on installation. Yeah, that whole propane is not the same thing as gas talking point I mentioned earlier? Apparently, you can't just convert the connection in the back of the oven and call it a day. You see, there's these things called orifices, and they allow the gas to come through so you can cook. The issue is that gas is denser than propane, so you need orifices with smaller holes so you don't have an excess amount of gas coming through when you try to cook. That seems important.

Oh, and when I looked at the instructions, they blatantly stated that only a professional should do the propane conversion. They may as well have said, "Hey dumbass, don't even think about it, because you're going to blow up your house. You're out of your league, dipshit." I looked at that and thought to myself, "Uh, well, that's not good." But I also had another thought, "I want me a damn Thanksgiving meal, and what's the worse that could happen...oh, it's blow up the house? That is quite bad, but I still want me a damn Thanksgiving meal, so let's get after it."

Everybody went out for pizza to leave me alone with my new project. This was definitely a good thing as I like to work through my thoughts, so I really didn't want the in-laws looking over my shoulder trying to be helpful. So I had to switch out seven orifices. These orifices are about the size of a kernel of corn, which doesn't help make things easy. Still, the stove was pretty easy, as I was able to pop the tops off, unscrew the old ones and pop the new ones in. There was one that was a little difficult, just because it was a small burner so I didn't have much room to work with, but I got the job done. I'm glad I did this last, as it didn't give me time to get cocky.

The oven was another story. Luckily, they gave me a diagram of what I needed to do. Unluckily, the pictures were so tiny and zoomed in that I often had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Whenever I didn't know what to do, it was time to play with Casey The Dog to clear my head. Then I would come back to the project refreshed and ready to just start unscrewing stuff until I found what I needed. What did I need to unscrew? Oh, that turned out to be everything. These orifices were in the least convenient place possible, and it made me understand why people talk shit about engineers, because they are assholes who definitely do this shit on purpose. I literally took apart everything in that oven, and only one of those things was I not supposed to remove (I dropped a relatively unimportant screw and knew that my wife would not be pleased if she heard a rattle in the oven, even if I assured her that it was unimportant). They really do not want you doing the conversion yourself, but I was undeterred. Okay, I was actually frequently deterred, but I persevered, and that's what matters.

Eventually, I tore up that oven, replaced what needed to be replaced and put the entire insides back together. After all that, I just slid the door back on, and of course, the oven door wouldn't go back on. After all the shit I went through, I couldn't get the damn door back on. At that point, I did the logical thing and decided to wait for the in-laws to get back, because I did an entire conversion, so the least they could do is figure out the damn door. It still took them a good half hour to figure it out, and I came in at the end  to help make some final adjustments. But finally, we had a working range. I fired up every burner and the oven, and they all worked beautifully.

Everything went flawlessly the next day as I sat back and watched sports waiting for the meal as I basked in the glory of saving Thanksgiving.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Sami Zayn Will Win The 2017 Royal Rumble

While everybody is talking about Lesnar and Goldberg and how their confrontation will go down at the Royal Rumble, I've got my eyes on the prize of figuring out who is going to win the damn thing this year, and it's not going to be one of those two clowns. One of the best things about the brand split is that it makes the Royal Rumble interesting again. The last few years, wrestling fans have basically known what was going to happen. With two title matches at WrestleMania, WWE has the ability to give a more shocking winner to give a title shot to. That is why this is the year that Sami Zayn takes a huge leap forward and wins the 2017 Royal Rumble.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Joe, you're only picking Sami Zayn, because you're a huge Zayniac and a total mark for the guy." Most of that sentence would be factual, but I do have other reasons for picking Sami Zayn, and I genuinely believe it make sense for him to win the Rumble this year.

Sami Zayn is the ultimate underdog. He's like Daniel Bryan, only Canadian, which makes him even more of an underdog. Plus, they have done everything they can to point giant flashing lights at how much of an underdog he is as Mick Foley, the nicest guy in wrestling, UNTIL HE GETS LOUD AND SUPER SERIOUS, told him how he could not compete with Braun Strowman. They're clearly building towards something where he overcomes the odds, and what better place to do that than this year's Royal Rumble?

And this Royal Rumble is basically going to be filled with people that nobody will expect him to beat. I mean, speaking of dogs, you've got The Big Dog, Roman Reigns, who could probably beat all 29 guys by himself, and if he didn't, they'd schedule a second Royal Rumble to "punish" him. Then you've got the other guys from The Shield, the new Wyatt Family, Braun Strowman, and James Ellsworth. That doesn't even include the unbeatable Bill Goldberg and The Beast, Brock Lesnar. It's a murderer's row of wrestlers the WWE would love to push to the top. And that's why it's time for the ultimate underdog to win. I mean, can you imagine it coming down to a final four of Goldberg, Lesnar, Reigns, and Sami Zayn. The crowd would be going insane for Zayn, and just imagine it coming down to Zayn and Reigns. Not only would the rhymes be nonstop, but the crowd may literally blow the roof off the joint.

Plus, one of the WWE's biggest issues in the past has been their refusal to pull the trigger on newer superstars. The best example of this is Roman Reigns who was one of the last two people in the ring with Batista, and the crowd would have gone crazy had he won. Instead, Batista went over, and when Reigns went over the next year, the crowd had already turned on him and refuses to turn back no matter how many good-to-great matches the guy has. The most fun thing about Sami Zayn in NXT is that you really never knew whether he'd win or lose. You could believably see him beat anyone (Cesaro), but he was never a sure thing to beat anyone (Titus O'Neil). You can give him that big push at anytime and easily get the crowd behind him, but clearly the WWE is building something with him, so why can't the time be now?

Finally, another reason for Zayn to win is because after the Rumble, his decision is actually a compelling storyline. He could restart his longtime feud with former best friend, Kevin Owens, which would ensure an incredible match. Or he could tell Raw to buzz off, as he's tired of being underestimated by incompetent leadership and go to Smackdown to take on AJ Styles, which, come to think of it, would also ensure an incredible match. Both choices are fantastic.

I feel like Sami Zayn's most memorable moments are falling short. In NXT, it was him repeatedly losing the most important matches, and then when he finally won the title, he immediately got destroyed by his best friend, Kevin Owens. And although he's had some memorable matches on the main roster, the two that stand out are him losing to John Cena and injuring his shoulder and him finally beating Kevin Owens to "end" the feud, only to have Owens win the Universal Title immediately after. Even when he wins, he loses. But that's the beauty of Sami Zayn, and why he will win the 2017 Royal Rumble.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Neighbor Is Amazing

I'm not often impressed by people. Most people are just people. They have good qualities; they have bad qualities, and it mostly balances out where everybody is equally great and also everybody equally sucks. But occasionally, someone is able to break that mold and truly separate from the pack of normals. My neighbor is one of these people.

Now, unfortunately, this is not my next door neighbor, but he does live around the corner from me, and I do get the pleasure of driving by his house every day. This man is such a patriot that he doesn't just have a Trump sign, he also has a Trump flag proudly displayed in the front of his house. Oh, but don't think he's done there, as his car is decked out in Trump stickers and decals. But, since this man is a true patriot, he also has two American flags hanging up front.

Speaking of flags, I noticed an American flag that was black with one blue stripe down the middle. Most of you probably know what this means, but I had no idea, so I searched on the Internet and, of course it is the official flag of #BlueLivesMatter. This man just loves this country so damn much.

But it doesn't stop there. I was walking the dog by his house one day and he had one bay of his garage open, so I was able to take a peak inside. I expected to see more Trump flags hanging, but yet again, I underestimated this, mysterious, wonderful, enigma, because he steps up in the garage as he proudly flies the confederate flag. Led by the police, the south will rise again, hence, making America great again. It's so simple and poetic.

And then I saw the man, and it was better than I could have possibly dreamed. A man, in his 50s, with a THICK mustache and mullet. This wasn't a white trash mullet. This was the full permed out pompadour look that shows this man has never lost a fight, because it's pretty clear he only beats women.

I need to learn more about this angel from God. I mean, the views that he outwardly supports are pretty offensive on their own. Imagine the stuff that he believes in his heart that he can't find flags for. Does he share beliefs with Mormons where blacks are evil souls that were cursed with dark skin? Does he think gays are actually evil aliens that are trying to ruin America? Does he call them Gayliens?

Although I know that any thoughts are possible, I still couldn't properly prepare for any of his takes that are hotter than the sun's surface. My brain would probably explode by his second belief.

My neighbor is amazing. An amazing piece of shit, but amazing nonetheless.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Dan Henderson: The World's Most Interesting Fighter

Dan Henderson recently retired after a close (some would say controversial) decision loss to UFC Champion, Michael Bisping. Henderson's career will be underrated by many, as his prime happened outside of the UFC. Even with that, it's tough to make an argument that Henderson is the greatest fighter ever, but it's also hard to make an argument against him being the world's most interesting fighter.

Unless you are a truly hardcore MMA fan, you probably don't remember Dan Henderson's early UFC career. It was during the dark ages of the UFC, and Henderson, with two fights and limited MMA training, went out and won a four-man tournament at 205 pounds. You would probably assume that he was facing off against guys that were just as limited as him, but he actually went out and beat two legitimate mixed martial artists. Allan Goes, who did not have any signature wins, had two of the most high quality draws in the sport against Frank Shamrock and Kazushi Sakuraba. And then in the finals, Dan fought Carlos Newton, who although was undersized for that weight class, became a UFC Champion by beating Pat Miletich a few years later. Those were guys with years of training and fights, and Dan Henderson walked in and beat them.

I should also mention that this began the legend of "Decision" Dan Henderson (the nickname was fair early in his career, even though he had enough huge finishes to make it obsolete by the end). Henderson had 22 of 47 of his fights go to decision, but that number is toned down due to late career Dan Henderson, with seven of his final eight fights being finishes. More incredible is he had nine split decisions in his career. Almost 20% of his fights were split decisions. I don't know where to find the records for that, so I'll just assume that Henderson is the Babe Ruth of split decisions.

After that, he went to Rings where he took out a couple of nobodies, and then on February 26, 2000, he had maybe the most impressive night in MMA history. In the first round, he faced Gilbert Yvel, who was 20-3 at the time and basically knocking out everyone that he faced (when he wasn't getting DQ'd), but Decision Dan would not be denied. Then he took on the greatest heavyweight fighter before Fedor Emelianenko, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. a man that only lost once in his first 21 fights. Unfortunately for Nogueira, that one loss was to Dan Henderson by split decision. After that, he took on Babalu in the finals. Babalu, a man who won his first twelve professional fights before taking on Henderson where he experienced the unlucky number 13, as Henderson won by majority decision. Yvel, Big Nog, and Babalu: There is nobody who has beaten anything close to that caliber of competition in a single night.

With that, Henderson made the move to Pride. Since this is Dan Henderson, he lucked into an easy fight to start off his Pride career, taking on the most terrifying fighter in MMA history, The Axe Murderer, Wanderlei Silva. Pride was the premiere organization at the time, and Silva didn't lose in his first 17 fights, and when he lost in his 18th, it was controversial. Although Henderson took his first loss, you could make a pretty strong argument that he won the fight.

He followed up his first loss by beating Renzo Gracie. That's a good win, but not too special. What was special was that Henderson won by knockout. He learned to throw a right hand, and that would become incredibly important later in his career.

I'd like to take a brief aside to address something. During this whole time, Henderson was still working on representing the United States in Greco-Roman Wrestling, as he didn't give up wrestling until 2001, when he had already twelve professional fights over four years without yet focusing on fighting full time. Yes, he had probably the greatest night in MMA history without even being a full time mixed martial artist. Dan Henderson was so fucking cool.

He finally bedcame a full time MMA fighter and fought in Pride for the next six years. Over that six year span, he lost four times, but only once was it to someone in his actual weight class. Otherwise, he lost to both Nogueiras and Ricardo Arona (which just reminds me how tough Arona was back in the day).

The highlights were mostly centered around that big right hand as Henderson started showing the ability to knock dudes out. He also became the first (and only) Pride Welterweight Champion (welterweight was 183 in Pride) by beating Murilo Bustamante, who is one of those legendary tough guys from Brazil that had his prime about 5-10 years too early.

But the biggest highlight was his rematch against Wanderlei Silva. It was the final fight in the history of Pride, and it was for the middleweight title. Henderson lost their first fight by decision, but he wouldn't let the same thing happen again as he about knocked Silva's head off in the third round to get the knockout victory and be the only guy in a major organization to hold titles in multiple weight classes at the same time.

And after all of that, he finally went back to the UFC.

Since it's Dan Henderson, there was no easing him in. he started with not one but two title matches in the weight classes where he held the belts in Pride. It, uh, did not go well. First, he lost a sluggish decision against Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Then he took on Anderson Silva, where he took Silva down and dominated him in the first round. But by the second round, he decided game plans were for nerds and decided to just stand and trade with Silva where he got knocked silly and then choked out.

I guess now is as good of time as any to address something with Dan Henderson. He doesn't give a shit when he gets in a fight. His first goal is to knock someone's head off. Sure, he's an Olympic level wrestler where he could easily smother someone on top, but he almost exclusively used those skills to keep things standing so he could try to knock someone's head off. He could have been more successful had he stuck to a smart gameplan, but there is no way he could have been as awesome.

He got back on track after that with wins over basically the worst person in mixed martial arts, Rousimar Palhares, and one of the best people, Rich Franklin. After that, he coached on The Ultimate Fighter, opposite Michael Bisping, to set up their fight at UFC 100. It definitely wasn't his best win, but it probably was his most memorable, as Henderson destroyed Bisping with a right hand, and then gave him a leaping forearm for funsies. It was brutal and awesome all at once.

At this point, Henderson was probably only a fight away from a title shot, so he did what nobody else in the world would do, and left the UFC to go to Strikeforce, because Dan Henderson doesn't give a shit about titles when he can get more money somewhere else.

Henderson's Strikeforce career didn't start off the best. He gave Jake Shields one of the worst beatings I've seen in the first round of a fight and then totally ran out of gas and lost a decision. After that, he beat Babalu again and then took out Rafael Calvacante. Although he finished both guys, it's not going to make his career highlights. Then, since it's Dan Henderson, he took on the greatest heavyweight in the history of MMA, Fedor Emelianenko and proceeded to knock him out in the first round. This would be his last fight in Strikeforce, and he picked a hell of a way to go out.

In fact, let's look back on how Henderson left every organization he was in.
Brazil Open - Won Tournament
UFC - Won Tournament
Rings - Won Greatest Tournament Ever
Pride - Won Middleweight Title from scariest fighter ever, giving him two belts in different weight classes.
UFC - Most memorable knockout of his career, proved America's domination over England.
Strikeforce - Knocked out the greatest heavyweight of all time.

And even though he lost the final fight of his career, he did it in the perfect way, losing a close decision, because had he won, the UFC would have thrown a ton of money at him to fight again, and Dan Henderson does not turn down tons of money. There is no way he could have left these organizations on a higher note. This man knows how to increase his value at the right time.

When Dan Henderson went back to the UFC, he was already 41 years old, and age can catch up to anybody, even someone as great as Dan Henderson. Although he had two memorable wins over Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, he went 1-6 in his other fights with three losses coming by knockout.

But as important as timing his right hand, he also knew how to time his wins, and he was able to knockout Hector Lombard right as Michael Bisping was busy winning the UFC title. Somehow, despite going 4-6 in his last run in the UFC, he was given a title shot, because he's Dan Henderson, and that was the most interesting fight available.

His final fight gave you everything you could have asked for in a Dan Henderson fight. He landed a couple of those right handed bombs that nearly took out Bisping and gave Dan the early advantage. And then, like so many other times, he ran out of steam and Bisping started winning the later rounds. He put on a good final round, but there was only one way for "Decision" Dan's career to end. Sometimes those decisions went his way, this time it didn't. It was probably his best fight since the first Shogun fight, which happened five years prior, but at 46 years old, Henderson was able to show why he is one of the greatest fighters in history.

With a 32-15 record, it's tough to make the argument that he was the best fighter ever, but there is nobody who had a more interesting career than Dan Henderson. The guy fought in three weight classes (technically four, since the Brazil Open was close to the Welterweight limit), and fought nearly every interesting person in all of those divisions. Wanderlei, Fedor, A. Silva, Shogun, Cormier, Big Nog, Little Nog, Bustamante, Vitor, Franklin, Arona, Machida, and Rampage all fought Henderson at least once. He fought for two decades, and the only legends he missed over that period were Couture, Liddell, Jon Jones, Cro Cop, and Sakuraba. That's only five guys across three different weight classes over 20 years that Henderson couldn't find time to fight.

Dan Henderson had more big matches than anyone in the history of mixed martial arts. He is the world's most interesting fighter, and unlike the Dos Equis guy, there will never be a replacement for Hendo.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Breaking Down the Logan Trailer


(Posted by Lukewarm Jonah)

I’m not one for breaking down trailers.  I mean, I broke down the Fast 7 trailer, but I have to do something in order to keep myself busy in between the release of the greatest movies of all time.  I saw the Logan trailer yesterday, and have watched it a good 10-15 times.  It’s incredible.  It has me unbelievably excited for this movie.

The basic gist of the trailer is that Logan is old now, and just hanging out with Professor X, living in a water tower.  Then somehow Professor X brings along a young mutant girl that Logan is reluctant to look after.  But then some dickheads come along and threaten the innocent girl and Logan has to beat the shit out of them for trying.  It’s a classic hero protects the innocent story but instead of Denzel or Liam Neeson saving the day with karate and/or guns it’s the mother fucking Logan saving the day with adamantium claws and skull fucking bad guys with his adamantium dick.  How can you not be pumped for that movie?  I mean look at Logan’s face when Dickhead McRobotarm puts the cuffs on that little girl.  Logan knows how to respond in that situation.  The proper response is always indestructible claws in your bitch ass cyborg face.  Oh what are you cyborgs going to do shoot him?  Sure his healing factor clearly has gotten worse than it was, but it’s still there.  He’s going to shake those bullets off and knock those stupidly tinted sunglasses off your face.  Anyways, below I’m going to post some potential spoilers on the movie, so if you’re not interested in learning what may happen stop reading.

The very first shot in the trailer is super important and hasn’t really been talked about.  This may come as a surprise but as someone who is obsessed with fantasy sports and professional wrestling, I’m a bit of a nerd.  Logan’s hand is trembling and covered in blood while Professor X asks in a heartbroken tone “Logan, what did you do?”.  What could cause Professor X to be so shocked and so saddened?  Well many people have noted the similarities between this trailer and the “Old Man Logan” story from the comics.  That story starts out with Logan killing the X-Men after being fooled by a powerful illusion.  I believe he may kill at least one of the X-Men, and after this he decides to go off the grid and live by himself so he won’t hurt anyone else again.  It’s very possible the grave he’s at in the trailer is one of his friends who died by his own hands.  It’s possible that his reduced healing and aging and scarring comes from his suicide attempts after he does kill someone he cares about, but he’s simply too powerful to die.

The young girl is almost certainly X-23, either a clone of Logan, or for the movie, another mutant who shares his powers almost exactly.  So she’s not exactly helpless, but she’s just a young girl and she’s going against the Reavers who have the upper hand on her.  Head Reaver Donald Pierce is also wearing some sunglasses that appear to be tinted red or orange.  They remind me of Mr. Sinister’s glasses, so I believe he’s in the movie as well.

I think it’s pretty clear that Professor X is dying in this movie, which will be another reason for Logan to go berserk on these Reaver cyborgs.  Logan loses his “father figure”, becomes a “father figure” to X-23, and I’m betting dies himself, sacrificing himself for the greater good allowing X-23 to live and and lead a new group of superheroes.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Jose Fernandez Was Special

I'm obviously a little late on this, but I wanted to say something about Jose Fernandez. His death was the first shocking death I've experienced in a long time. Luckily, I haven't had any real world deaths in quite a while, and most celebrity deaths don't phase me in any way. David Bowie, Prince, Robin Williams, Arnold Palmer all passed away, but I never felt any connection with any of them, and the first three lived hard lives, while the last one lived a pretty long one. I understood people being sad about it, but I had no reason to be affected.

Jose Fernandez was different, not only his death, but also in his life. He was transcendent. If you were trying to convince somebody to be a baseball fan, you'd want Jose Fernandez to be the starting pitcher. Sure, Clayton Kershaw was a better pitcher, but Fernandez was just special. If you saw him pitch, you would immediately know he was one of the five best pitchers in baseball. The talent was undeniable.

On top of that, he broke the unwritten rules of baseball and actually showed that he was having fun while playing the game. He actually showed that he enjoyed playing, and the only person he really pissed off doign this was Brian McCann, who seems like the guy who would go to a 2-year-old's birthday party and throw the cake in the trash, because they already celebrated one birthday, so now they're being a showboat.

Jose Fernandez was special. He was probably the most fun pitcher to watch since Randy Johnson, and his energy and exuberance may have even pushed him ahead of the Big Unit. It's easy to slip into thoughts of, "What could have been," but I'd rather just enjoy what I actually got to see. What I saw was awesome, and although I'm going to miss it, it's still really cool that I got to see it at all.

Jose Fernandez was special.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The 6 Most Offensive Things Groupon Recommended To Me

Since I have purchased a Groupon in the past, I get emails every day from Groupon with different deals and recommendations. Usually, I delete these without even taking a second glance, and honestly, I should just report it as Spam, as I'm going to look at Groupon when I need something, not make an impulse buy, because I can get two Big Macs for the price of one. Anyway, the other day, Groupon did a hell of a job and actually made me read the email by offering a Groupon that caught my eye. We'll get to that one later, because when I opened the email, I realized that none of these Groupons had any inkling of value to someone like me. So, without further adieu, here are the six most offensive things that Groupon recommended to me.

6. $299 for Laser Toenail Fungus Removal
This one is the lowest on the list, just because I am a dirty individual. I do not have toenail fungus, but I could understand how the world might assume I did. Still, even if I did, ain't no way I'm paying $300 to get rid of it. Instead, I would tell each foot's fungus about how the other foot's fungus was talking shit, and then they would have a turf war and destroy each other, leaving my toenails fungus free.

5. $139 for Botox
I did just turn 32 years old. But I'm a dude, which means I'm just going to get more and more sexy as time goes on. My hairline is strong, my body is tight, so any wrinkle I get is a gift. They're basically sex wrinkles.

4. 68% off Spider Vein Treatments
There were a lot of beauty treatments that I didn't understand, so I chose this one to be representative of all of them, as I have no clue what spider veins are. I mean, if it was like Peter Parker and meant that I could shoot webbing out of my hands, then I would very much like this treatment. Unfortunately, I think it's closer to Botox for your legs. My legs are pristine, Groupon should know that.

3. $99 STD Test
This was the one that caught my eye in the title of the email. Basically, because I wasn't sure if it was an STD test or some other test that I wasn't aware of that had really unfortunate emails. I've never had to invest in an STD test, because I keep my guy clean. Now even though that was almost entirely due to lack of opportunity to dirty my guy, it still counts as me being a responsible adult. But now I've got a wife, Groupon, so even if I had been a dirty boy, it's a little late in the game for this one.

2. $199 Breast Pump
I do not have breasts; I don't know how I would use this device without that essential part of the anatomy. This is also an advanced breast pump, and I very much think I should have a novice, and possibly even a beginner breast pump if I were trying to milk my dry nipples.

1. 59% off Puddle of Mudd Concert
This was by far the most offensive thing that was suggested for me. Puddle of Mudd sucks in such an immense way that I cannot believe they are still a band, much less touring for paying customers. Quick, name your favorite Puddle of Mudd song. A-ha, that was a trick question as all Puddle of Mudd songs suck. You could take 100% off these tickets, and I wouldn't go see them. Come on, Groupon, get your shit together.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

CM Punk Wasn't Brave for Fighting in the UFC

Since I love MMA and pro wrestling, this whole CM Punk fight has been right in my wheelhouse. I honestly don't think he embarrassed himself. There have been plenty of people who have gotten steamrolled in the UFC, and it does not only include crappy fighers. I mean, Cub Swanson is a top featherweight, and it took Jose Aldo seven seconds to take him out.

Oh yeah, and Jose Aldo, likely the greatest featherweight fighter in history, after months of shit talk from his opponent, got knocked out in 13 seconds against Conor McGregor. So, no, I don't think CM Punk embarrassed himself by getting destroyed in two minutes.

Still, CM Punk is not a UFC level fighter. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Mickey Gall is a UFC fighter. Still, that's no reason to shit on Punk.

But let's also slow down on the opposite end for people praising CM Punk for his guts and determination. Is it brave to get your ass kicked? Well, kind of, but in that sense, bravery is just another word for stupidity. But I'm not about to call CM Punk stupid, because he got a guaranteed half a million dollars for this, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was another million dollars coming his way. At that point, it'd be stupid not to fight.

I mean, can you think of a single guy you know that wouldn't take $500,000 to get their ass kicked? I mean, it would be one thing if you said they were getting in a street fight, but this is sanctioned. I wouldn't even need two years to train, as I'd be willing to walk in there this weekend. It's 500 grand, just to get my ass kicked. I'd be stupid not to do it. I was thinking about it, and I'd likely take a tenth of that money. 50 grand for an ass kicking is still a really great day.

And if I get to pick my opponent? $10,000, and I'd pick John Dodson who used to beat me up a bunch back in the day, so he'd take it easy on me. If I can't know the person, Demian Maia, because he would go for the takedown and gently put in a choke to make me tap or fall asleep. I could go out for drinks afterwards, and I bet Demian Maia would go out drinking with me. It'd be a pretty pleasant experience overall.

So, Dana White, I am looking for a fight, just bring that checkbook. Because at CM Punk prices, it's not brave to do it, it'd just be stupid not to do it.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

CM Punk's Next UFC Opponent

CM Punk got his ass kicked on Saturday night, and it's pretty clear that he is not a UFC-level fighter. Hey, the guy did become one of the best wrestlers in the world, and more importantly, he married AJ Lee, so I'm not going to be shedding a tear for him anytime soon. Still, I will defend the guy, as even though he shouldn't be fighting in the UFC, he's not the worst to fight in the UFC.

I mean, let's just look at the early UFCs. He could definitely take out some of those guys. I mean, Steve Jennum won UFC 3, and I would take CM Punk to win in a fight against him. You don't remember Jennum, the man to end Royce Gracie's reign of UFC titles by coming in as an alternate in the finals after both Gracie and Shamrock dropped out? Well, he did, and he's the UFC 3 Champion, so if CM Punk had a time machine and incredible luck, he also could have become a UFC Champion.

And that brings up a great point. Since CM Punk wants a second fight in the UFC, the question becomes who does he face next? Well, I just mentioned the perfect opponent. No, not Steve Jennum, but instead, another man who has dabbled in pro wrestling, the World's Most Dangerous Man, Ken Shamrock.

I mean, it's perfect. Everybody can't stop complaining about how awful CM Punk is, and everybody can't stop complaining about how badly Ken Shamrock looks the last 11 times he's fought (so yes, for more than a decade). Yes, Shamrock is a bit larger than Punk, but Shamrock was down to 201 for the Gracie fight, and I'm pretty sure he could cut at least five more pounds with his build. You could even make it a retirement match, which may mean that the loser is the real winner, but still. I guess the winner can fight UFC Flyweight Champion, Demetrious Johnson. Not for the belt, obviously, but if you're saying you wouldn't want to see Mighty Mouse fly around the cage picking apart a man with 50-75 pounds on him, then I don't know why you watch fighting at all.

If it's a draw? Well, that's the best result of all. Handicap match where Shamrock and Punk team up to take on Brock Lesnar with maximum steroids.

Basically, I miss Pride, and I want the freakshow matches to return.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Idiot's Guide to Buying a House

This is definitely not our house.

My wife and I (and pup dog) bought a house. Buying a house sounds like an easy thing to do. You give someone money; they give you a house. We're a little late to the game on this, but we've moved around quite a bit, and there has never been a place where we wanted to stay. I'm from Davenport, Iowa, but we certainly weren't going to live through those cold ass winters. Then we moved to Bradenton, Florida and it was fine, but people drive like 20 MPH below the speed limit at all times. I think it's because they're close to death, and they're just trying to bring everyone else a little bit closer with them.

Finally, we moved to Clearwater, Florida. It's where Hulk Hogan lives, and if it's good enough for the most awesome power in the world, Hulkamania, then it's certainly good enough for us.

Still, that does not mean this was a quick and easy process. We rented for a year so we could better discover whether the Hulkster had it right. I mean, what if Ultimate Warrior had it right and we needed to move to Middle of Nowhere, New Mexico? But although Hogan hasn't mastered his opinion on race relations, after a year, we knew that he had some pretty damn good ideas on real estate.

So the search began for us, and really, it began for my wife. She was my pitbull, which was necessary, since my dog, as a Weimaraner, is not a pitbull in any way. She was searching all of the information, and she was going to open houses every weekend to see what neighborhoods she liked and didn't like. She made me sit down with her to decide what our "must-haves" and "wish lists" were so we could be fully prepared when our lease w was set to expire. She had a full printed out sheet of all of these things as well as pictures of design items that she liked in houses. Our realtor told her she was the most prepared person he had ever dealt with.

But even with this sort of preparation on our (really, her) part, this was by no means a smooth process when we finally got to the part of looking at houses. We went to about a half dozen houses early on, but all of those had major drawbacks that didn't excite us. After that, we got more picky about what we were going to check out, and we really didn't look at houses for a few weeks. It was also at this point where we started to make irrational decisions.

You know that "must-have" list that we came up with together. During this dark period, my wife was willing to bend on half of the things that we supposedly must have. That dumb broad beautiful angel wanted a house.

I was not innocent in this matter either, as I would casually say that we should start looking at houses in different areas or because she wanted to bend in one aspect of the house, maybe we could bend on a different aspect, even though I did no research, and I was just throwing ideas out of my ass, because my thought is always that doing something is better than nothing. This is not the case when that something drives your wife crazy and makes her want to smack you.

So, yeah, the dark period was not a great time in house hunting.

But then, late on a Thursday night, it happened. A house popped up. A nice house. A really nice house. It was slightly more than we would have liked to spend, but certainly not something that we couldn't afford. Also, it was just down the road from the park where Casey The Dog and I drive to so we can throw her ball and play basketball together (Air Bud is a glory pup who is all about offense; Casey is a gritty defender who does what it takes to win, just sayin'). This house had a lot of appealing characteristics.

We took a tour, and we knew. This was the house for us, but we also knew that it was priced high. We sent in an offer that night, they barely countered. We sent another counter offer, they decided to wait on it. Finally, they gave another offer, and we decided that a few thousand dollars shouldn't stop us from getting this house, especially since every month we pay our monthly rent, that's just thousands of dollars that could be going into a house. We got it for less than it was listed, so we felt good, especially because we finally had a house.

Well, not exactly.

Buying a house ain't easy, so now you've got a ton of paperwork to do. The bank will not just hand you six figures and be cool about you paying them back when you have a chance. Instead, they make you fill out form after form and send in every bit of personal information. Even though we got pre-approved, we needed to update everything that we had sent them a month and a half earlier. Since I watch too much television, I constantly think people are trying to screw us over in some way, so I question everything. I know I question way too much, because the people we got our loan from had no idea how to explain things that I was questioning. On top of that, our realtor gave us a bunch of things to sign. My bank could easily steal my identity, but now my identity is tied to a giant debt to the bank, so I think I'm safe.

And then there's the inspection. Do I need to get the 4-point inspection? What about wind inspection? Termites? Shit, man, give me the deluxe package, because I'd rather get screwed out of an extra $50 than find out we have four-pointed wind termites later on. After all of that, apparently, I should have gone cheap, because all that was found was a few outlets that weren't working. That was not a dealbreaker for us.

After that, there's a damn appraisal, and appraisals are a very big deal. An appraiser comes in the house and sets a valuation. If it's high, no big deal, everything is good to go, but if it's low, that creates major drama. The bank will only give a loan to cover what the house is appraised at, so if you agreed to pay a million for the house (Note: We are nowhere near baller enough to consider this pricing option), but it only gets appraised at $900,000, you either have to come up with $100,000 cash, or you need to renegotiate with the seller where you can compromise on a price. The latter seems to be the easier thing to do, as if the house only gets appraised for a certain price, then that is what the seller would have to sell for since it will only get appraised at that price down the road if they want to put it back on the market.

Oh, but that is only if appraisals make sense, and appraisals do not need to make sense. Appraisals can vary wildly from one appraiser to another, because there does not seem to be any actual method of appraising homes. In my imaginary scenario, they can vary by hundreds of thousands of dollars, and even in my price range, they can vary by five figures. Oh, and the owners are there for the appraisal, and they can influence what the appraiser thinks on the price. It's kind of insane.

We were kind of hoping for slightly lower than our asking price, to maybe save some cash but not too low and have the whole deal blow up in our faces. But, probably fortunately, the appraisal came right in at our offer price, so we would not be getting any deal, but we also wouldn't have to deal with any drama.

Finally, we had all of the big stuff done. All that was necessary was to sign the final papers, oh, and for the people to move their shit out of our house, which apparently took them three weeks. They already had another house that they were primarily living in, but they were just lazy and took their sweet time in actually moving their stuff out.

We finally got to just a few days before closing and nobody communicated anything to us about wiring the money for the down payment. That was odd, so I followed up. No response. Finally, our mortgage lender gave me a super high number that I could wire to the title company but said they would have the final number the day before the closing. The day before the closing they completely went dark again and gave me no information. Finally, our realtor found out the final costs and where to send it that night.

Of course this would come back to bite us in the ass. We signed the paperwork at 11:00 AM. The owners of the house did not show up, so we literally had zero interaction with the people that we bought the house from. We got the paperwork all done, but still no wire transfer since nobody told me what to do in the days before the transfer, which was neat. The movers called and said they could be ready early. The internet guy called and said he could be ready early, but since we couldn't get a wire transfer, we couldn't be ready.

So we went back to our shithole rental and waited. We should have been ready to go by 1:00 PM. Instead, we waited, hour after hour, for the damn wire to clear. It was especially home when one of the ladies at the title company told me that she didn't want to wait around until 5:00 (you know, and do her job), because she wanted to go back to her home. I assured her that I wanted to go to my new home just as badly as she wanted to cut out of work early.

Finally, after three hours of waiting, I saw the money leave my bank account and started driving towards the title place so I can get the keys and we could move in. At that point, I had only seen the house for about 10-15 minutes 40 days ago. It was just our quick walk through, and then my wife saw it a few other times, but I didn't. I made the biggest purchase of my life off of a 10-minute walkthrough, and then hoped for the best from then on. I was really hoping it didn't suck, and luckily it did not. I was anxious to get our stuff inside. Of course, since nothing can move quickly, the movers turned out to be the slowest movers ever, as it took them nearly five hours when the last moving company we hired only took three hours to move us, and there was an hour drive in between as opposed to 15 minutes.

By the time everything got moved in, I didn't even have the energy to jump in the pool, but at least Casey The Dog did as she was busy doing dive bombs after her toys and then not understanding the value of stairs when exiting the pool.

The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM to fly across the country for work for four days. By the time I got back there was a family of four squatters living in our house (my wife's friend and her family). I like them all, but man was I happy to see them leave so I could finally walk around naked in my house without having to worry about scarring small children with a traumatic dong sighting.

Honestly, house buying isn't exciting; it's more of a relief. I really like the house, which is good, because I really don't want to do this again. 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Every Genius Pick I Made In My 2016 Fantasy Football Draft

My fantasy football draft has come and gone, and I am ready for yet another stellar season. I got the seventh pick in the draft, which is usually a spot of dread, but I made the most of the situation and managed to basically nail every possible selection I made. Even though my drafting is thorough, the naming of my team is not, as I am Return of the Mac for the third year in a row, because I drafted Jeremy Maclin three years ago but haven't had him on my team since. So, that explains that. Onto the picks that will undoubtedly lead me to an undefeated fantasy season.

ROUND 1
1 Antonio Brown, Pit WR Charles In Charge
2 Todd Gurley, LA RB baby seals and puppies
3 Julio Jones, Atl WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
4 Odell Beckham Jr., NYG WR Ruby's Roosters
5 DeAndre Hopkins, Hou WR Trouser Trouts
6 Adrian Peterson, Min RB Fart Gamblers
7 Ezekiel Elliott, Dal RB   Return of the Mac
8 David Johnson, Ari RB Panty Bandits
9 Rob Gronkowski, NE TE The Calms Of Death
10 Lamar Miller, Hou RB Shortbus Superheroes
11 A.J. Green, Cin WR Deal With It
12 Allen Robinson, Jax WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Todd Gurley
I knew I pretty much had no chance at getting Todd Gurley, but it would have been really nice had I gotten him. I think he’s the most talented back in the league, and the only guy who is even close is Le’Veon Bell. Gurley had another year to heal from his knee injury, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he looked significantly better this year, and he wasn’t too shabby last year.

Who I Got: Ezekiel Elliott
I was ready to pounce on whoever fell, praying that it wouldn’t be Adrian Peterson. Elliott isn’t the most talented back in the world. Honestly, if he came out in this upcoming draft, I would only take him third after Leonard Fournette and Dalvin Cook. But he’s still really good, and he is in about the best possible position for a running back. Romo being out hurts, but Prescott can threaten a bit with his legs which can also open up opportunities for running backs, so I think he’s going to be just fine this year.

ROUND 2
13 Le'Veon Bell, Pit RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
14 Devonta Freeman, Atl RB Deal With It
15 LeSean McCoy, Buf RB Shortbus Superheroes
16 Dez Bryant, Dal WR The Calms Of Death
17 Eddie Lacy, GB RB Panty Bandits
18 Doug Martin, TB RB   Return of the Mac
19 Brandon Marshall, NYJ WR Fart Gamblers
20 Mark Ingram, NO RB Trouser Trouts
21 Jordy Nelson, GB WR Ruby's Roosters
22 Jonathan Stewart, Car RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
23 Alshon Jeffery, Chi WR baby seals and puppies
24 Jamaal Charles, KC RB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Le’Veon Bell, Eddie Lacy
I knew Le’Veon wasn’t happening, so then I decided I would buy into the hype and think that Eddie Lacy is actually going to stay in shape this year. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing that he didn’t fall to me.

Who I Got: Doug Martin
The Muscle Hamster. I don’t know how I feel about this pick either. None of the receivers really stood out for me, so I figured I would get two running backs that will get the bulk of the carries for their teams. I like Tampa Bay to improve this year as a team, but I am a little hesitant on Martin for regression purposes. But the added benefit is that I will get to root for the hometown team down here in Florida, so I guess that’s nice.

ROUND 3
25 Marvin Jones, Det WR Charles In Charge
26 Aaron Rodgers, GB QB baby seals and puppies
27 Matt Forte, NYJ RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
28 Mike Evans, TB WR Ruby's Roosters
29 Keenan Allen, SD WR Trouser Trouts
30 Cam Newton, Car QB Fart Gamblers
31 Sammy Watkins, Buf WR   Return of the Mac
32 Julian Edelman, NE WR Panty Bandits
33 Latavius Murray, Oak RB The Calms Of Death
34 Russell Wilson, Sea QB Shortbus Superheroes
35 Jeremy Langford, Chi RB Deal With It
36 Amari Cooper, Oak WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Sammy Watkins
I also think pretty highly of Mike Evans this year, but I have an undeniable affinity for Sammy Watkins as he produced the single most dominant receiving performance I have ever seen in person when he tore up Ohio State at the Orange Bowl a few years ago. I will never be able to get that performance out of my head. And he built a connection with Tyrod Taylor as the season went on, so if he can stay healthy, he could put up DeAndre Hopkins numbers on a bad offense. I love you, Sammy.

Who I Got: Sammy Watkins
Hooray!

Bonus Thought: Best Moment of the Draft
By far the best moment of the draft was Charles in Charge running out of time and having autopick make his selection for him That selection was Marvin Jones, who apparently he put at the top of his queue so he would remember to take him before somebody else did. Well, no need to worry about that, because he was drafted eight rounds before anyone else was considering him. God bless, autopick.

ROUND 4
37 T.Y. Hilton, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
38 Andrew Luck, Ind QB Deal With It
39 Jeremy Maclin, KC WR Shortbus Superheroes
40 Jarvis Landry, Mia WR The Calms Of Death
41 Tom Brady, NE QB Panty Bandits
42 Brandin Cooks, NO WR   Return of the Mac
43 C.J. Anderson, Den RB Fart Gamblers
44 Jeremy Hill, Cin RB Trouser Trouts
45 Thomas Rawls, Sea RB Ruby's Roosters
46 Demaryius Thomas, Den WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
47 Randall Cobb, GB WR baby seals and puppies
48 DeMarco Murray, Ten RB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Doug Baldwin
Baldwin was a guy that I targeted heavily before the draft, so I was really just hoping he would fall to me in Round 4 to get a top receiver in an offense that I think is going to throw the ball a lot. I didn’t even really consider that Brandin Cooks would fall that far, but he kept falling and falling, and I couldn’t pass up that sort of value.

Who I Got: Brandin Cooks
So, yeah, I took Cooks, another top receiver in an offense that I know is going to throw the ball a whole bunch. I mean, after I took Sammy Watkins in Round 3, the only receiver that I would have considered before Cooks was Amani Cooper, and even that is a toss up for me.

ROUND 5
49 Carlos Hyde, SF RB Charles In Charge
50 Matt Jones, Wsh RB baby seals and puppies
51 Ben Roethlisberger, Pit QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
52 Jordan Reed, Wsh TE Ruby's Roosters
53 Melvin Gordon, SD RB Trouser Trouts
54 Greg Olsen, Car TE Fart Gamblers
55 Doug Baldwin, Sea WR   Return of the Mac
56 Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR Panty Bandits
57 Ryan Mathews, Phi RB The Calms Of Death
58 Tavon Austin, LA WR Shortbus Superheroes
59 Eric Decker, NYJ WR Deal With It
60 Carson Palmer, Ari QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Still Doug Baldwin
I may have also considered Carlos Hyde had he still been there, because Chip Kelly’s offense is pretty appealing for 49ers running backs.

Who I Got: Doug Baldwin
Well, that worked out nicely. As I said, I’m pretty high on Doug Baldwin, and the first five rounds got me starters at both running back positions, both receivers, and a flex. Since tight ends and quarterbacks can be had in later rounds, this was a pretty ideal run for me to start out the draft.

ROUND 6
61 Donte Moncrief, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
62 Jay Ajayi, Mia RB Deal With It
63 Travis Kelce, KC TE Shortbus Superheroes
64 Golden Tate, Det WR The Calms Of Death
65 Jordan Matthews, Phi WR Panty Bandits
66 Drew Brees, NO QB   Return of the Mac
67 DeSean Jackson, Wsh WR Fart Gamblers
68 Delanie Walker, Ten TE Trouser Trouts
69 Arian Foster, Mia RB Ruby's Roosters
70 Michael Floyd, Ari WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
71 Kelvin Benjamin, Car WR baby seals and puppies
72 Eli Manning, NYG QB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Drew Brees
Since I needed a quarterback, Brees was the guy I really wanted more than anything. On talent alone, I really liked Kelvin Benjamin in this round, as I think Cam is going to target him hard this year. I really like Travis Kelce, but this was too early for even me to take him.

Who I Got: Drew Brees
Come on, Saints offense! With Brees and Cooks, I am relying on the Saints to throw the ball a whole bunch, and considering that their defense was awful, they tried to improve with their first round pick, said first round pick got injured for the season, and yes, I think they are going to have to throw the ball a whole bunch. If Brees is healthy, last year’s stats seem like the floor for his performance and obviously the upside is much higher just by pure volume of passing.

ROUND 7
73 Tyler Lockett, Sea WR Charles In Charge
74 John Brown, Ari WR baby seals and puppies
75 Ameer Abdullah, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
76 Rashad Jennings, NYG RB Ruby's Roosters
77 Emmanuel Sanders, Den WR Trouser Trouts
78 DeAngelo Williams, Pit RB Fart Gamblers
79 Danny Woodhead, SD RB   Return of the Mac
80 Duke Johnson Jr., Cle RB Panty Bandits
81 T.J. Yeldon, Jax RB The Calms Of Death
82 Frank Gore, Ind RB Shortbus Superheroes
83 Zach Ertz, Phi TE Deal With It
84 Giovani Bernard, Cin RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Ameer Abdullah
I am a big Ameer Abdullah supporter. I know the Lions are going to share their carries, but I have a hard time believing that Abdullah isn’t their guy 75% of the time. He’s just better than the other guys on that roster. I knew it was going to take a lot for him to fall that far, and unfortunately, he didn’t.

Who I Got: Danny Woodhead
Every year, I run into my running back’s bye weeks, and I realize that my bench is full of high upside backups with a starter who refuses to get injured, and every year, I think, man, I just wish I had a guy like Danny Woodhead who can produce 8-10 points every week and keep me in any matchup. Well, this year I have Danny Woodhead, and we’re a whole lot grittier because of it.

ROUND 8
85 DeVante Parker, Mia WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
86 Michael Crabtree, Oak WR Deal With It
87 Michael Thomas, NO WR Shortbus Superheroes
88 Blake Bortles, Jax QB The Calms Of Death
89 Antonio Gates, SD TE Panty Bandits
90 Derrick Henry, Ten RB   Return of the Mac
91 Laquon Treadwell, Min WR Fart Gamblers
92 Philip Rivers, SD QB Trouser Trouts
93 Josh Gordon, Cle WR Ruby's Roosters
94 Kevin White, Chi WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
95 Julius Thomas, Jax TE baby seals and puppies
96 Gary Barnidge, Cle TE Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Nobody, really.
This wasn’t an exciting time for me in the draft. I didn’t really like any of the tight ends, and I always wait on defense, so it was just kind of some low floor, decent upside guys. As a Bears fan, I strongly considered the hype around Kevin White, but I decided to go with different preseason hype instead.

Who I Got: Derrick Henry
Outside of Dak Prescott, I’m not sure I’ve heard any more buzz about a rookie than Derrick Henry. People are already confidently proclaiming that he’s the real deal and will be one of the most successful recent Alabama running backs. DeMarco Murray has never been the most durable guy (outside of that last year in Dallas when he was literally the most durable guy), and even if Murray stays healthy, I see them shifting responsibilities more and more to Henry as the season rolls on. If you got a fancy new toy, you gotta take it out of the box and play with it.

ROUND 9
97 Vincent Jackson, TB WR Charles In Charge
98 Allen Hurns, Jax WR baby seals and puppies
99 Kirk Cousins, Wsh QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
100 Jameis Winston, TB QB Ruby's Roosters
101 Chris Ivory, Jax RB Trouser Trouts
102 DeAndre Washington, Oak RB Fart Gamblers
103 Tyler Eifert*, Cin TE   Return of the Mac
104 Seahawks D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
105 Willie Snead, NO WR The Calms Of Death
106 Coby Fleener, NO TE Shortbus Superheroes
107 Justin Forsett, Bal RB Deal With It
108 Darren Sproles, Phi RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: A Tight End.
That’s all I really wanted. Just a tight end of some sort. If I was going on talent, I wouldn’t have minded betting on Winston taking a step forward this year, but I can’t imagine a week where I would really start him over Brees.

Who I Got: Tyler Eifert
And I got one…kind of. Eifert is out for the beginning of the season, and although he may come back in the first month, he may not. He’s great when he’s healthy, but he’s not the most durable guy in the world. He’ll be a great pick in weeks that he’s healthy, but I’m not real sure how often this will look like a great pick.

ROUND 10
109 Derek Carr, Oak QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
110 Devin Funchess, Car WR Deal With It
111 LeGarrette Blount, NE RB Shortbus Superheroes
112 Matthew Stafford, Det QB The Calms Of Death
113 Stephen Gostkowski, NE K Panty Bandits
114 Corey Coleman, Cle WR   Return of the Mac
115 James Starks, GB RB Fart Gamblers
116 Sterling Shepard, NYG WR Trouser Trouts
117 Isaiah Crowell, Cle RB Ruby's Roosters
118 Torrey Smith, SF WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
119 Andy Dalton, Cin QB baby seals and puppies
120 Marcus Mariota, Ten QB Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Corey Coleman
I’m really riding that rookie hype train this year.

Who I Got: Corey Coleman
This makes me terribly nervous. Like, I may try to package something with Elliott to see if I can get Gurley somehow. Getting a bunch of rookies and expecting to pick the right ones never works out. But I really liked Coleman coming out of college as I think his athleticism is even better on the field than his combine numbers. He’s just a threat, and although Josh Gordon could move Coleman down the depth chart, I wasn’t really willing to bet on Gordon, because he’s been away from the game a while, and I don’t see him stepping right back in and dominating like before.

ROUND 11
121 Bilal Powell, NYJ RB Charles In Charge
122 Cardinals D/ST D/ST baby seals and puppies
123 Jason Witten, Dal TE AwesomeSugar Omelet
124 Panthers D/ST D/ST Ruby's Roosters
125 Tyler Boyd, Cin WR Trouser Trouts
126 Chiefs D/ST D/ST Fart Gamblers
127 Stefon Diggs, Min WR   Return of the Mac
128 Tyrod Taylor, Buf QB Panty Bandits
129 Devontae Booker, Den RB The Calms Of Death
130 Martellus Bennett, NE TE Shortbus Superheroes
131 Jimmy Graham, Sea TE Deal With It
132 Dwayne Allen, Ind TE Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Tyler Boyd
Probably  good thing that I didn’t get another rookie, but Boyd is a football player. Iowa had maybe the best corner in college football last year, and Boyd was able to consistently create enough space to make catches (Desmond King did have two interceptions in that game, but Boyd did not throw either of those passes). He finds ways to get open, and he’s an ideal number two for the Bengals.

Who I Got: Stefon Diggs
Diggs just kept falling and falling, so I had no choice but to scoop him up. It would have been wiser to get another tight end like Martellus Bennett or Zach Miller, but I figured he’d be the first option in Minnesota, and Teddy could take a big step forward this year. This was before the injury, and now Teddy likely isn’t taking any steps anytime soon. Stefon Diggs is the most likely to be the first guy dropped from my roster, and that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the garbage pile of quarterbacks that the Vikings currently have on their active roster (and even though I wrote this before the Bradford trade, nothing really changes with me on Diggs's value), .

ROUND 12
133 Eagles D/ST D/ST Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
134 Broncos D/ST D/ST Deal With It
135 Adam Vinatieri, Ind K Shortbus Superheroes
136 Pierre Garcon, Wsh WR The Calms Of Death
137 Travis Benjamin, SD WR Panty Bandits
138 Bengals D/ST D/ST   Return of the Mac
139 Zach Miller, Chi TE Fart Gamblers
140 Texans D/ST D/ST Trouser Trouts
141 Dak Prescott, Dal QB Ruby's Roosters
142 Theo Riddick, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
143 Steve Smith Sr., Bal WR baby seals and puppies
144 Raiders D/ST D/ST Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: Broncos D/ST
God, I should have taken them last round instead of Stefon Diggs. I know they lost some guys in the middle, but Von Miller is still on this team, so it would have been nice to draft them.

Who I Got: Bengals D/ST
PANIC PICK! Once the Broncos went off the board, I was just kind of stuck deciding between the Bengals, Texans, and Raiders. Then I thought maybe I should just draft a quarterback, but then I knew that some defenses would be off the board before I could make my next pick, and I kept going back and forth. I knocked out the Texans because Watt is out early, and I may be able to snag them off the waiver wire when they have a bad game without him. Then I just decided that I didn’t want to believe in the Raiders despite them having Khalil Mack, destroyer of worlds. So then I picked up the Bengals. They’re always solid. This is not a sexy pick; it’s an okay one.

ROUND 13
145 Christine Michael, Sea RB Charles In Charge
146 Chris Johnson, Ari RB baby seals and puppies
147 Steven Hauschka, Sea K AwesomeSugar Omelet
148 Josh Brown, NYG K Ruby's Roosters
149 Markus Wheaton, Pit WR Trouser Trouts
150 Chris Hogan, NE WR Fart Gamblers
151 Ryan Tannehill, Mia QB   Return of the Mac
152 Patriots D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
153 Vikings D/ST D/ST The Calms Of Death
154 Steelers D/ST D/ST Shortbus Superheroes
155 Justin Tucker, Bal K Deal With It
156 Charles Sims, TB RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers

Who I Wanted: Ryan Tannehill
I still needed a backup quarterback, and Tannehill is now working with Adam Gase who helped Cutler to a strong year last season. There are a lot of interesting weapons down in Miami, and Tannehill could revert to his stats from two years ago when he was like the sixth best fantasy quarterback.

Who I Got: Ryan Tannehill
I was probably going RGIII if he wasn’t there, so I’m really happy he was there.

ROUND 14
157 Mason Crosby, GB K Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
158 Mohamed Sanu, Atl WR Deal With It
159 Phillip Dorsett, Ind WR Shortbus Superheroes
160 Dan Bailey, Dal K The Calms Of Death
161 Rishard Matthews, Ten WR Panty Bandits
162 Roberto Aguayo, TB K   Return of the Mac
163 Matt Prater, Det K Fart Gamblers
164 Robbie Gould, Chi K Trouser Trouts
165 Josh Doctson*, Wsh WR Ruby's Roosters
166 Bears D/ST D/ST AwesomeSugar Omelet
167 Graham Gano, Car K baby seals and puppies
168 Chandler Catanzaro, Ari K Charles In Charge

Who I Wanted: A Kicker
I was between Mason Crosby, Justin Tucker, and Roberto Aguayo. If they were all gone, I was going to make a panic pick on a kicker.

Who I Got: Roberto Aguayo
Did I take a kicker who had the yips in the preseason? Oh hell yeah. But now he’s over them and nailing 50-yarders in the rain like it’s not even a big deal. Oh, Roberto, it is a big deal, and you are going to be a big deal when you lead the league in points this year. Aguayo won’t make you sigh-o.

I feel great about my team this year, and since I am a self-proclaimed fantasy expert (like any other fantasy expert), I can just about guarantee that my team will be ravaged with injuries and underperformance. I will then swear each of them off and watch them explode for career years in 2017. Hooray, Fantasy!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

10 Things I'd Rather Do With My Dog Than My Wife

I love my wife. I love my dog. Now I would say these loves are different. One is someone that I can kiss and tell my deepest secrets to, the other one is my wife. But they both serve their roles. Still, there are things that I can't get from my dog that I can get from my wife, like going to places that don't allow pets, but there are also things that, although I could do with my wife, I'd rather do with my dog. Here are ten things that I would rather do with Casey The Dog than the old lady.

10. Play With Her Ears
My dog has big, soft, floppy ears that I can just run through my fingers, and snuggle my face up against. My wife has human ears. They are these weird cartilage things, and sometimes she puts stabby things (earrings) in them which makes them uncomfortable and dangerous. I'm not saying I want my wife to have an ear transplant, but I'm not saying I'd be disappointed if she woke up with Weimy ears one day.

9. Throw The Ball
Sometimes, my wife and I will play catch. It's fine, but the highlight is the involvement of my dog who is just waiting for one of us to miss it, so she can swoop in and get the ball. Meanwhile, throwing the ball with Casey is great. She sprints after it, brings it back, and we go through this until she decides that she's had enough. Also, it's a nice boost for my self-esteem as she has some toys that are easy to throw to the point that somebody once said I should play quarterback in the NFL. I mean, they were a Browns fan, so that's barely the NFL, but it still counts.

8. Go For A Walk
I'm not a big fan of walks. They're a little too slow-paced for me. But still, the enjoyment that my dog gets out of the walk spreads over to me. If my wife panted and smiled like that, it might close the distance, but she just talks. The one edge my wife has in this category is that I don't have to pick up her poop, because if my wife decides to take a dump in a neighbor's yard, she can at least pick it up herself.

7. Wrestle
Casey isn't a great wrestler, especially as she's gotten older, but she's up for a battle when it comes down to it. It almost always ends with Casey clawing my face or headbutting me, but there is a lot of excitement leading up to that moment. My wife gives up pretty quickly, as she can't overcome my size and strength advantage. I always win the latter, but I get more satisfaction out of the former.

6. Play Basketball
My dog loves playing defense which adds to the difficulty. She's also not a glory pup who needs shots, so I can put up as many as I want. Plus, she never talks shit to me about how my shot looks. I think I appreciate that last part the most.

5. Watch TV
Casey The Dog never minds when I watch wrestling. It doesn't matter if it's Raw, Smackdown, NXT, the Cruiserweight Classic, Lucha Underground, or classic episodes of Monday Nitro. She just chills and enjoys the show. The old lady could definitely learn about television appreciation from our dog.

4. Go To The Beach
My wife could spend an entire day at the beach. Just hanging out, reading, and maybe occasionally getting in the water to cool off. My dog and I are way more on the same page. We attack the beach, play as hard as we can, frolic in the water, and then we're tired, bored, and ready to go home. She's puked in my car the last two times, but she still gets the edge, as although my wife looks great in a two-piece, my dog is even skimpier when she's down to only a collar.

3. Cuddle
Cuddling is kind of boring, so I usually don't do it for very long. My dog is softer than my wife, and she doesn't mind if I stop cuddling after just a couple minutes. And I also don't get offended if she gets up when I'm snuggling up next to her. We have a mutual understanding that either of us can end it at any time with no guilt, and I appreciate that.

2. Pick Up Her Poop
As I stated earlier, I'm not picking up my wife's poop. I do pick up my dog's poop. I mean, it's not an enjoyable experience, but it'd be far more traumatizing if the old lady was dropping trou in the front yard and becoming the first human female to poop (you know, because ladies don't poop).

1. Road Trip
This is the most important one. My dog is the ultimate road trip partner. All I want on a road trip is silence and just a bit of companionship. I can listen to my tunes and podcasts, and if I want to reach over and pet the dog, she's there when I need her. Occasionally, she'll rest her head on my shoulder, and she's just really pleasant to be around. My wife only wants me to occasionally act like a social human being, but my pup dog has zero wants, and that is what makes her so special.

Don't get me wrong; my wife is great. But there are some areas where she's not as great as my dog. No shame in that.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

How Can the Minnesota Vikings Replace Teddy Bridgewater?

Lukewarm Jonah is taking the reins today since his favorite team lost one of the best young QBs in the league.

Today the likelihood of a Minnesota Vikings championship run took a big hit when Teddy Bridgewater went down with a freak, terrible injury.  I know Joe is no Vikings fan, but he is a Teddy Bridgewater fan.  Though the news today was terrible, the regular season is rapidly approaching.  The Vikings have Shaun Hill healthy and that’s about it.  Second year quarterback Taylor Heinicke looked great last preseason, but is also injured.  It’s clear that the Vikings need to find a quarterback, but the question is who?  I’ve got a few suggestions that aren’t being talked about that I hope the Vikings listen to.

Zach Mettenberger may be their best option, so I’m going to lead this list off with him.  I’m a little confused why no one wants a third year quarterback who played average football on a terrible team during his rookie year.  He played a little below average last year, still on a terrible team.  I watched plenty of his games as a pro and saw plenty of potential.  The fact that this guy got cut is baffling to me.  Anyways, you have a young quarterback with starting experience and some upside.  Maybe the biggest positive to Mettenberger is that he’s a free agent.  He doesn’t cost a draft pick, just a roster spot and a pretty cheap contract.

Next up is a favorite of Joe and myself, Matt Barkley.  He’s the current 3rd string quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.  He was acquired from the Eagles for a 7th round pick, so giving a 6th rounder for him seems like a price that Arizona would be happy to receive.  This is another guy that I’m confused by the lack of opportunities he’s got.  He went from assumed number one overall pick to fourth rounder who couldn’t find any playing time, even with all the terrible quarterbacks who seem to find constant work.  He’s a guy with a high ceiling, and I’d happily trade a 6th rounder for him.

Let’s look out east for a couple of quarterbacks from the mighty Philadelphia Eagles.  That’s right a couple.  Chase Daniel is the obvious target.  A guy who by all reports was the best quarterback on a couple of teams he’s been on.  Many people wanted to see him play when he was in Kansas City, and if he stays in Philadelphia I would bet a large amount of money he starts at least one game this year due to talent alone.  However, the Eagles have Sam Bradford as their starter and Carson Wentz as their future quarterback so do they really need Daniel?  So who’s the other quarterback on the Eagles I mentioned?  None other than Mcleod Bethel-Thompson.  Who you ask?  Current Eagles fourth string quarterback, likely to be a free agent very soon, Bethel-Thompson had two runs with the Vikings and showed glimpses of greatness, even though it was in the preseason.  He’ll be a free signing that can back up Shaun Hill and potentially come in and spark the offense if Hill struggles.

I can’t finish the article without mentioning my personal hero Nathan Enderle.  6’4” 240 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, if he’s signed the Vikings will finally win that ever elusive Super Bowl.  Really though, I wish he actually got a chance in the NFL because he’s got a big arm, he’s accurate, and he’s used to moving around in the pocket and avoiding pressure.  The only good part about him not playing is he would have started for the Bears and led them to way too much success.

Someone else who must be mentioned is Joe’s personal hero, the anti Colin Kaepernick, Mr. America Ricky Stanzi.  He’s available, loves America, and was a successful quarterback at the University of Iowa.  I’ll have to defer to Joe for any real insight into Ricky Stanzi (Joe's insight: He seems like a really good dude. That probably doesn't make him a great option at QB, but I'd definitely let him watch my dog), but he can play on the Vikings as long as he comes out to Real American.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

When Is It Okay to Fart in an Elevator?

As a big city boy, I get to ride in an elevator every day for work. 6-year-old me would have been totally impressed, because a majority of the time, I even get to push the buttons. This has given me time for introspection, and it has helped me break down elevator etiquette when it comes to the only thing that really matters: Farting.

It should be noted that I'm either the least healthy person in the world, or everybody else is way more willing to hold in their farts than I am. I don't think it's the former, so I just feel bad for people living their lives this way. First off, in the elevator alone, I am going to fart away. If somebody's waiting to get on that elevator as I get off, well, I will have skedaddled off to my destination before they can even put together the crime that I have committed.

Things get slightly more complicated with other people in the elevator. If there is only one other person in the elevator, you cannot fart. This is one of the few situations where I would ever say that you cannot fart, but this is one of them, and considering it lasts about 15 seconds, I think we can all manage. Another circumstance is if you are the only male in an elevator with females, because you know you're getting blamed for that fart, even if it wasn't you. That being said, if you are a female in an elevator and you see there is only one guy in there, I would say fart away. There is no way you're getting blamed for it, and that is cruel to that guy, but with all the harassment that women get online, they should at least have this to get back at men a little bit.

Now the great conundrum is in a crowded elevator. To fart or not to fart? That is the question. But the answer is quite simple. If you're not the only guy in the elevator with multiple people around, fart away. Enjoy yourself. A fart isn't enough to ruin someone's day; it's actually adding some spice to their life as they'll have a good story for their friends and co-workers. Friends will crowd around as they regale their story of the really stinky fart in the elevator. When you think about it, you're actually doing your elevator guests a favor.

And think of the cool Aerosmith parody you can sing to yourself,

Farts in an elevator
Stinkin' it up while it's goin down.
Farts in an elevator
Holdin' your breath till we hit the ground.

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Evolution of Facebook Spam Accounts

Facebook is full of spam accounts. There are very few things I enjoy more than awkward attempts at looking and sounding like a real human being. Still, I mostly just ignore these random friend requests, but then I started to notice something that caught my eye.

At first, all of these Facebook spam accounts were scantily clad ladies that just really wanted to get to know me better. It was nice, but a little creepy, as there's some Pakistani dude, wait, is that racist? That might be racist. Um, I guess let's just make it some weirdo from Florida. Anyway, I had gotten used to ignoring ladies with big boobs trying to seduce me over the internet, but then the Facebook Spammers stepped up their game. Instead of a single lady, they have now started showing me hypothetical married chicks.

Now, I appreciate the change of pace, but how sad do these spammers think my life is? Like, my thought process would have to be:

Ooh, a friend request. It's from a lady. I don't know her, but she's married. I'm also married. Maybe we could chat about marriage stuff, you know, married people are real hard to find, so it's sure nice that a random one decided I would make a good friend. I think she would make a good friend too.

I mean shit, man. Maybe life isn't as wild as it used to be, but I'm still a dude. I mean, I don't want to be friends with random single ladies, but I also seriously don't want to be friends with married chicks. Like, at least single ladies still have wild stories. Being friends with a married lady would literally just be us sharing pictures of our respective dogs.

Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I'll accept that friend request. I'm sure you're a real lady, Marriedbroad McGee.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Eric Bischoff Nearly Killed Two Fans

I don't want to get into a long diatribe about how great Eric Bischoff was, but he was super great. If you don't love Bischoff, the problem is not him, it is you. As I was watching the February 16, 1998 Monday Nitro, the thing that most stood out to me was not Larry Zbyszko being so dedicated to kayfabe that he buried Louie Spiccoli a day after his death, but instead, it was Bischoff. It wasn't even anything Bischoff said, but he had ten seconds of pure magic during his entrance that I cannot stop laughing about.

This video is pure magic. Bischoff manages to work every fan perfectly.

First off, he shows his appreciation for all of the fans, even stating that he loves them. And who could he love more than a dude cosplaying as Garth from Wayne's World.
Okay, so after viewing the video a dozen times, I realized that it's not a guy but actually just the most WCW female fan ever, but I think that actually makes it better. Clearly, this woman is in love with him, but Bischoff knows he can only give her a taste as too much would kill her right there in her seat. So he gives her some tickle fingers, but nothing more, she's simply not ready.

Somehow, even better than that is his interaction with the next fan.
With the first fan, Bischoff showed restraint by not ending her life in a pool of ecstasy. With the second fan, Bischoff clearly could have punched his head right off of his neck, but he showed restraint in not knocking out this child. Never forget, Bischoff had a black belt in karate. Not only does Bischoff totally show this kid who is boss without throwing a punch, but he exits out of the potential fight in the coolest way possible. You see the shrug, but it actually gets better from there.

Such a great shrug off, and he somehow tops it by immediately transitioning into a Too Sweet. I want to exit every bad situation exactly like that. Get fired from a job? Don't care, too sweet the receptionist. Your best girl dumps you? Don't care, too sweet the nearest hot chick. This could literally turn every bad situation into a great one. This is the greatness of Eric Bischoff.

Wait, you still don't love Eric Bischoff? Mr. Bischoff, what do you think of that.
My thoughts exactly.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

I Watch Television Like a Hot Chick

I started watching Mr. Robot a few weeks ago, and after I binge watched the first season, I noticed something about myself: I watch television like a hot chick. What does that mean? Well, let me explain.

Mr. Robot is a show with a good amount of twists. Maybe the biggest twist of all is that it is not about robots. But every time that there is any sort of twist, I am absolutely shocked. Like, when I think back on things, I start to think that it did kind of make sense that this happened that way, but I never see it coming. Every time, I am absolutely shocked. Like, why would they deceive me? I thought things were one way, but then it turned out to be another way. I don't understand why they would trick me like this.

And this is how many hot chicks go through life. Like, everything always works out for them in totally expected ways, so when something doesn't work out, it is a lot more traumatizing for them than it is for normal people. It is super jarring when something is supposed to work out one way, but then it goes the other. But they rarely have to worry about these things, because the universe will basically fall into place for them with a slight bit of effort.

And that is how I watch TV. Like a hot chick. Not stupid, just naive, with very little effort.

I think I like it this way.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Everything You Need to Know About USA Wrestling in the 2016 Olympics

The Olympics have now been underway for nearly two weeks, and if you have missed any of the action, don't worry; you still haven't missed much (Greco and Women's Freestyle wrestling did start earlier this week). That's because tomorrow starts the men's freestyle wrestling competition. It may last three days, but these are wrestlers, which just means that they only do two weight classes from start to finish in a day. Within about eight hours, you have to clean out the best in your division to earn a gold medal. It's beautiful, it's wonderful, and it's the only sport you need to watch in the Olympics. And judging by the demographics of this website, you're probably most interested in how the USA is going to do at each weight class, so let's break it down, starting with the lowest chances and working our way up to who has the best chance of claiming Gold in Rio.

65 KG - Frank Molinaro
Am I a Frank Molinaro hater? Yeah, pretty much. Even when he won a NCAA title at 149, it was against a fairly weak class that year. The fact that he tied two of his matches but won on criteria to get the US spot didn't inspire a lot of confidence (I was also bitter about that first tie taking out personal favorite, Brent Metcalf). Then he went to Turkey to qualify the US for the Olympics and lost a must-win match. So that was that, and the US will not have anyone in Rio at 65 KG.

But wait, he managed to get in because somebody else got busted for doping. And to be fair, he's wrestling way better than he ever has. Sure, a lot of matches, he's pulling something out of his ass, but you have to be incredibly good just to be in position to pull something out of your ass. I don't see that luck continuing, and I'd be surprised if he got a win this weekend.

57 KG - Daniel Dennis
You have no idea how badly I would like to put Daniel Dennis higher on this list, but I can't do it. If there is one American that even non-Americans could get behind, it's Daniel Dennis. The guy had the most hearbreaking NCAA Finals loss in history. I'm not talking about one of the most heartbreaking, it is the hands down winner for most heartbreaking loss.

I still get ill watching it; I cannot imagine what he went through when it happened. And that's not the craziest part of his story. He gave up wrestling for years where he lived in a trailer with no television or internet; that was a step up from the half year that he spent living in his truck. And somehow, after all of that, he came back better than ever. He had to beat his own teammate in the US Trial finals, and he went out and dominated. With a story like that, he's probably got a pretty impressive Wikipedia page. Well, here's a screenshot:
That's the entire thing. You don't even have to scroll down to fit it all in, and about half of that is the table of contents and references. This is the difference between wrestlers and other sports stars. Hell, The top E-Gamer at 57 KG in the US probably has a Wikipedia page 50 times this long (of course I'm pretty sure e-gamers only come in at 57 KG or super heavyweight, so maybe it's a bigger deal).

To make it to the Olympics from where he was is incredible. But I'm going to be pulling for an even greater climax in his story. He's not going to be favored, but I'm definitely not going to count him out.

125 KG - Tervel Dlagnev
I know he doesn't sound like an American, but trust me, he is, and he's definitely the best heavyweight the US has. He has constantly been in the mix at World Championships, but it seems like he kind of stalls out in that 3-6 range and can't quite make it to the elite of the elite. He has also struggled with some injuries over the past year, and the current rankings reflect that (currently #14) so I can't really see him taking a step forward. It's tough to envision him making the podium, but he's had far more international success than everyone but the top two guys on this list, so it wouldn't be crazy to see him wrestling for a Bronze.

86 KG - J'Den Cox
J'Den Cox is probably the biggest wildcard on Team USA (I mean, he's the only guy on the team with a shorter Wikipedia than Dan Dennis). He could easily be eliminated immediately, and that will be that. But he's also incredibly athletic, and also incredibly big for 86 KG. He's long and strong, so I guess he's down to get the freak shit on. But he's just such a different matchup from the other guys in this weight that he could cause some issues. His technique is not going to be nearly as polished as some of the Eastern European countries he'll be squaring off against, but if there's an American that can come out of nowhere to make it to the championship, this is the guy to pick.

As for winning the gold...um, no. Unfortunately for Cox, there's this Russian named Abdulrashid Saulaev. Even if Cox gets eliminated early, you should watch Sadulaev, because he is that awesome. He might be the best wrestler at any weight class right now, although I favor the guy at the end of this list.

97 KG - Kyle Snyder
Snyder won the World Championships last year at the age of 19. That is so stupidly impressive and amazing that I still haven't totally wrapped my head around it. He comes into these games ranked number four as he has had some close losses at international tournaments. Even those losses were questionable as the reffing at some of these international tournaments are...less than fair. Oh, and in between those international tournaments, he bumped up to heavyweight and won a National Title. What I'm trying to say is Kyle Snyder is really freaking good at wrestling. Even with that, when you search Wikipedia for Kyle Snyder, this is what you get:

The first result is a pitcher who played three seasons in the mid-2000s and had an ERA of nearly 6.00. He outranks the World Champion Wrestler.

Anyway, if I was betting on this weight class, I'd take Snyder. He's so young that he's constantly improving, and he was already good enough to win a World Championship. Without questionable officiating, I don't think anyone can knock him off, and he has the potential to become a generational talent.

74 KG - Jordan Burroughs
Speaking of generational talents, that is exactly what Jordan Burroughs is. He's accomplished so much in wrestling that it's absolutely stupid at this point. Some have referred to him as the Michael Jordan of wrestling, and that's not an outrageous statement. I mean, the guy once won a World Championship with a broken ankle. On top of that, he's an ideal ambassador for the sport as a whole. Sure, he's not quite as explosive as he was four years ago, but what he's lost in that area, he's gained in technique as he's far better at turning guys and racking up points on the mat. I can't explain Jordan Burroughs. He's the best wrestler in the world. but even that doesn't do him justice. No matter what the sport is, to watch someone special in his craft is a religious experience. Jordan Burroughs wrestles tomorrow. Don't miss it.