Wednesday, June 30, 2010

How to Fix the Cubs - Part 3

When we left off yesterday, we set up a situation where Paul DePodesta is very excited to be working for the Cubs after Jim Hendry listened to Hott Joe and cleared out a ton of money. After the moves that we went through yesterday, let's check out how much money (estimate) we save going into 2011.

Kousuke Fukudome - $1.33 million in 2010, $13.5 million in 2011
Ted Lilly - $4 million in 2010
Derrek Lee - $4.33 million in 2010
Carlos Silva - $3.83 million in 2010, $6 million in 2011
Switching from Lou Piniella to Ryne Sandberg - $2 million

When all of this is added up, the Cubs save about $35 million. All I can say is holy shit, I did an awesome job clearing up some cash. Unfortunately, before we can start going after new guys, we have to take care of the guys who are already here. Let's have a quick run through the Cubs roster.

1. Returning Players in need of contracts - First off, we need to take care of our own. The guys who are up for arbitration are going to be estimates. If something seems grossly out of whack or I miss a player who is due a big raise, let me know.
A. Ryan Theriot - Theriot makes $2.6 million this season after losing his arbitration case where he was looking for $3.4 million. He is going to be due a raise, and for simplicity's sake, we'll hope that he'll accept a $2 million bump in salary to put him up to $4.6 million for 2011.
B. Carlos Marmol - He was paid $2.125 million in 2010, so let's give him a realistic bump up to $5 million since he's a closer and that gets overvalued in arbitration cases. Since, we just under $35 million in savings, this will take care of that rounding off.
C. Mike Fontenot - We'll bump him up $1 million, so he's at about $2 million.
D. Sean Marshall - A guy that gets the $.5 million bump to be at around $1.5 million.
E. Tom Gorzelanny - This is where things get interesting, and we actually try to lock up an arbitration eligible player. Gorzelanny will be signed to a four year, $16 million deal, so we can buy out his arbitration years and a couple free agent years. Gorzelanny will be part of the rotation so this type of investment seems worthwhile. Salary wise, we'll structure it 3, 4, 4, and 5 million so it's only about a $2 million raise for 2011. I have to admit that Gorzelanny is my favorite Cub, so much so that I'm going to put an image of him up, mostly just to spice up the blog:

F. Geovany Soto - He's at about a half million right now. I'm nearly positive he'll be an arbitration eligible player and bump him up to $3.5 million, meaning we spend an extra $3 million on him.

2. Players Already Under Contract - I'm just going to quickly go over any changes in salary to players that are already under contract:
A. Aramis Ramirez - Save $1 million.
B. Ryan Dempster - Gets $1 million raise.
C. Marlon Byrd - Gets $2.5 million raise.
D. John Grabow - Gets $2 million raise. This was painful to write. Not only am I stuck with John Grabow for another year, but he's getting a huge raise too, nice one Hendry.

3. It's not you, it's me - These are the players that will not be coming back for the 2011 Cubs.
A. Xavier Nady - $3.3 million that we don't have to worry about for 2011. I'll take that money and run.
B. Jeff Baker - When it comes to Fontenot and Baker, you can have one or the other, but there's no need for both. Baker's OBP is under .300 this year, so it was nice knowing you, but goodbye.
C. Koyie Hill - Not like it's going to provide us much savings, but I'll take $.7 million, and invest it in somebody that doesn't make me feel awful if they're forced to take over full-time catching duties. I'll gladly offer him a minor league deal though.
D. Angel Guzman - Stick a fork in him, he's done.
E. Bobby Howry - Only costing us the minimum this year, but I'll let the young guys in the system replace him in the bullpen, no need to overpay middle relief.

4. The Dirt Cheap - If I haven't mentioned a Cubs player by now, it means that they're dirt cheap, and we'll bring them back, because they'll be making the minimum and if they suck, they're still eligible to go to the minors.

5. Recap - We started off with $35 million to work with, let's break down what we have left:
A. We spent $11.5 million on guys that needed new contracts.
B. We gave $4.5 million in raises to players already under contract.
C. We save $5.5 million on people who we will not be bringing back for 2011.
D. Overall we are left with approximately $24.5 million from our savings. This doesn't seem like much until we also factor in that we no longer have to pay Derrek Lee or Ted Lilly since their contracts were up which were savings that were not yet factored in. Lee makes $13 million, and Lilly makes $12 million for 2010, meaning that we have $49.5 million to spend without raising payroll for 2011.

I realize this article has been a lot of housekeeping, but I promise that tomorrow will lead to an exciting conclusion for how the Cubs can be awesome in 2011. And, not to brag or anything, but you are going to be wowed when you see how genius my ideas are and how it actually is possible for the Cubs to be successful in 2011.

-Joe

P.S. I'm sure you have all seen this by now, but we have some very sad news regarding #1 Prime Time League pick, Brennan Cougill as he has been ruled ineligible for this upcoming basketball season. On the bright side, I'm picking Kirkwood to win the JuCo National Title.

P.P.S. Thanks to Cot's Baseball Contracts, which is an awesome website to find out just about anything you would want to know about baseball contracts. This would just be unintelligent babbling with no real hard facts without the help of that site.

P.P.P.S. Is it sad that I'm genuinely nervous about what goes down at midnight tonight? I know it is, because LeBron is probably taking at least a week before he makes a decision. But if the Bulls sign Joe Johnson at 12:01, I'm stabbing someone.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

How To Fix the Cubs - Part 2

Where we last left off, I gave up a lot of talent on the Cubs without great returns, but the money saved is going to be important to the rebuild effort. I would also like to point out that my idea of Ted Lilly to the Mets was reported by Joel Sherman of the New York Post if they fail to get Cliff Lee. So props to me. But the season is over and the Cubs did poorly in 2010; let's get into the offseason.

1. The New Regime - As much as he comes across as a great guy, Jim Hendry has to go. He gave out a lot of bad contracts, and that is why I couldn't clear more space. Honestly, there's talent on this team, but realistically, I'm not going to get much talent back if I'm asking them to take on some pretty bad contracts. Luckily, the Mets have boatloads of cash, so they really saved us there. Jim Hendry deserves credit in having great relationships throughout the game, and it has helped foster some very good trades that he has made in the past. Honestly, I'd love to keep him around in a complementary role, but he can't be the head guy anymore. Let's look at the candidates, where we have the unrealistic, the realistic, and the idea that's so crazy it might just work.

A. The Unrealistic - I want to get this out of the way before Cubs fans start thinking it's a possibility, because it's not. Billy Beane will not be joining the Cubs. Beane likes the small market, and he has a very good relationship with the owner. He loves being on the coast where he can relax a little bit, and I don't think it's reasonable to think the Cubs can lure him away from that. Beane has stated that his dream job would be to be a general manager in the English Premier League, so let's just move on.

B. The Realistic - When I first started thinking about how to rebuild the Cubs, this guy's name immediately came to my mind as the perfect candidate for the job. Then I read Will Carroll's excellent look at the Top 10 General Manager candidates who have never held that position. He was talking to a current GM about one of the candidates where the GM stated, "I don't see him as someone that will get looked at by someone like (Cubs owner) Tom Ricketts, someone who'd want a Moneyball guy." Well, we're not getting Billy Beane, but we could get the next best thing in Paul DePodesta. DePodesta is currently in the Padres front office, and is proving that he is way smarter than I am because somehow the Padres are good this year. DePodesta had the GM job with the Dodgers back in 2004-2005, but was fired because their owner is a moron. I cannot think of another example of a GM only getting two years to prove himself. He actually built a good team in 2004, but they fell off in 2005 due to injuries, and the team that he had built for 2006 made the playoffs, just under a different general manager. This is about as perfect of a match that you can find, and would put me back into full-fledged fandom if they hired him.

C. It's so crazy it might just work - I wish I could take credit for this idea, because it is so monumentally awesome that it nearly made me shit my pants. Credit again goes to Will Carroll's review of top GM candidates on Baseball Prospectus. The Cubs could make a play at a young guy who is already a top GM. Well, it'd basically be impossible to steal a guy away from another baseball team, so this isn't a well-thought out idea. Au contraire, my friend, because we would not be stealing him from another baseball team, we'd take him from a basketball team. That's right, the Cubs could pursue Sam Presti of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Since me and Sam are good friends (we talked like three times during my Seattle days), I could probably help convince him to come to Chicago to help the Bulls get LeBron, er, rebuild the Cubs. Honestly, this idea is batshit insane, but it's also awesome. I just wanted to present it to everyone, so we'd have an idea of all of our options.

When looking at the options, and since I want this to be a realistic look at how the Cubs could rebuild, there is only one choice that makes sense for the Cubs.
The Chicago Cubs fire General Manager Jim Hendry and hire Paul DePodesta to a four year contract to be the new General Manager.

Now that we have our GM, it's time to figure out who's going to lead our troops on the field.

2. Time for a change - Sorry, Lou, but we're not renewing your contract. You're not worth the money to me. For some reason, I can only find the salaries for 2007 for baseball managers, but that will be good enough for this exercise. Lou is making $3.5 million. The lowest is $500,000, and the median is about $1 million.

This one is actually fairly easy since the Cubs have been grooming him to take over the job for quite a few years. Ryne Sandberg makes sense on a lot of different levels. He's paid his dues managing in the minors, the Ricketts are Cubs fans meaning that they'd love to have Sandberg managing, and as long as he doesn't go Dusty Baker on us, he should be able to be a fine manager. I will offer him a four year deal worth $6 million which should probably put him above average for managers, but he has no managing experience in the majors so he doesn't need Joe Torre or even Tony LaRussa money.
The Chicago Cubs choose not to exercise their option on Manager Lou Piniella and hire Triple-A Manager, Ryne Sandberg as Manager.

That's all I've got for today, but tomorrow I'll be going into how all of this cash savings is actually going to lead to the Cubs being an exciting and successful team for 2011.

-Joe

P.S. AFLAC tried to get me to interview for a job with them, I told them I wasn't interested. I am the most comfortable unemployed person on the planet.

Monday, June 28, 2010

How to Fix the Cubs - Part 1

The Cubs suck. They're an old, overpaid, boring team, and there's very little to like about the entire organization. They have some unmovable contracts, some tough to move contracts, and a lot of shitty players. Still, I think I could get them back in the race soon. Here is how I would do it (all moves will be put in bold):

1. Addition by subtraction - They need to try to find a way to get rid of just about any player that other teams are interested in. The problem is, nobody has much interest in their players, but there are ways to get creative to possibly dump some guys.

A. Try to package Fukudome with Ted Lilly in a trade; I feel like there are opportunities with the Tigers or Angels, but the perfect fit for this deal is the Mets. Not only do the Mets desperately need the starting pitching help, but Fukudome would actually be a solid contributor for them as they need the outfield help and could use him for his marketability towards the Japanese fans. Now, since we're dumping Fukudome on them, we either have to take back a ton of money or not get much in the way of value in return. The Mets are filthy rich, so we're going to let them deal with taking on the money, and we'll take a couple low level prospects. I would look at a guy like Brad Holt who has been atrocious this year with an ERA over 10, but a guy with good velocity that might be effective in the bullpen. Also, if we could get Ugueth's kid Juan Urbina, that'd be a solid haul. Since I'm an idealist, I'll say the Cubs throw in $3 million and get both of them.
The Chicago Cubs trade Ted Lilly and Kosuke Fukudome and $3 million to the New York Mets for minor league prospects Brad Holt and Juan Urbina.

B. Derrek Lee has got to go. As long as Lee picks it up a little bit, the Cubs should be able to get something for him, and that should be good enough. This is something that may have to wait for an injury to a team in the playoff race. I'd like to be super optimistic and say Albert Pujols goes down to a fractured labia, but I need to be slightly more realistic. Is it really that hard to imagine a world where Troy Glaus gets hurt for the Braves? I think not. So the Braves make a deal for Derrek Lee by giving up Cody Johnson, a former first round pick who can't make contact to save his life, but he's got light-tower power. Chances of him figuring it out are minimal, but at least he'll be fun to watch in the high minors.
The Chicago Cubs trade Derrek Lee to the Atlanta Braves for minor league prospect Cody Johnson.

C. Try our best to get something for Carlos Silva. This is something that may happen in the offseason, but still has potential for before the trade deadline or even in August since I don't think anybody will claim him on waivers for fear of having to take his whole contract. I can't think of a contender that would take a chance on Carlos Silva, because if they're contending, they're probably a well run team (or already stacked with pitching like the Giants). So why would a non-contending team trade for Carlos Silva? To protect young arms. And who has the most valuable young arm out there? The Washington Nationals. They signed Jason Marquis just so he could suck up innings and for the first time in his career, he's failed. The Cubs can throw in the $5.5 million that the Mariners are giving them for next year which means the Nationals would only be on the hook for two months of his salary this year and $6 million the following year. That definitely has value for them. They're not going to give up their future for it, but at least the Cubs can scrounge up something. How about A.J. Morris who was the ace of Kansas State's staff in 2009, and is doing alright in High-A right now. That seems reasonable.
The Chicago Cubs trade Carlos Silva and $5.5 million to the Washington Nationals for minor league prospect A.J. Morris.

2. These guys aren't going anywhere - There are some guys that Cubs fans are probably wondering why they are still on my hypotethical Cubs team. It basically means that nobody would want these guys, or that this is the worst possible moment to trade them off.

A. Alfonso Soriano - Nobody is taking that contract, and he can be a good outfielder for the Cubs. He's not an All-Star, but he's above average and since he's an athletic guy, he should be able to at least be near average through the remainder of his contract.

B. Carlos Zambrano - Although the contract isn't completely unmovable, it'd be pretty tough to move and just about impossible right now. If the Cubs move him now, they'll have to swallow a lot of that contract and it will be counter productive. Zambrano is not going to go back to being a world beater, but he can be a solid starter. Piniella is probably gone after this year so his problems with him shouldn't be a big deal. Plus in my plan, Z will be happy to know that he's a part of the starting rotation. I'm not counting Z out yet, so he's staying with the Cubs.

C. Aramis Ramirez - The good news about A-Ram is he's done this before. He looked like an absolute stud when he was 23 and destroyed the ball for the Pirates, then he had a God awful age-24 season. Is it more dangerous when he's 32 going on 33? Of course it is, but he was fantastic in 2009 when he was healthy. He has the ability to provide a goood on-base percentage while slugging near .500. He's only guaranteed to be under contract through 2011, so if he sucks again, the Cubs can pay him $2 million and part ways. I still think he'll bounce back.

As a recap, here is what the 2010 Cubs starters (I'm not worried about the bench and bullpen) will look like after these trades have been made.

Starting Position Players
C - Geovanny Soto
1B - Xavier Nady
2B - Ryan Theriot
3B - Aramis Ramirez
SS - Starlin Castro
LF - Alfonso Soriano
CF - Marlon Byrd
RF - Tyler Colvin

Starting Pitchers
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Randy Wells
3. Tom Gorzelanny
4. Carlos Zambrano
5. Thomas Diamond/Andrew Cashner

Everything is pretty simple outside of the fifth starter where I'd like Diamond and Cashner to piggyback each other and pitch about four innings each every fifth day. Diamond is coming back from Tommy John surgery and Cashner is a young power arm, so keeping their innings somewhat down would probably be a good call. They both have a chance of being a big part of the future.

I'm going to stop right there. Tomorrow, I'll I talk about what the Cubs need to do in the offseason to be successful.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a crazy Iowa State video:

Friday, June 25, 2010

NBA Draft - A Quick Review

Alright, here is a quick rundown of my thoughts on the NBA Draft.

First off, Bulls getting rid of Hinrich is a very good maneuver for the team. At the same time, it concerns me. I would have rather seen Deng traded away, because a Deng trade would mean the Bulls were EXTREMELY confident they could get LeBron. A Hinrich trade points in the direction that they are going to take a hard look at Joe Johnson. All of the advanced statistics point to this being a bad move for the team. Since I watch very little NBA basketball that doesn't involve the Bulls, I don't have a great read on Johnson outside of the entire Hawks team playing awful in the playoffs. Obviously, the number one combination is LeBron and Bosh. I still think Deng is a tradeable asset, because compared to most players of his caliber, his contract is not bad. The other thing the Bulls have going for them is that there are going to be teams that are unable to lure a big free agent, meaning they'll have plenty of cap space to take on Deng's contract and it'll be a positive step for the team. If they're able to pull off that trade, I wouldn't mind the Bulls reacquiring John Salmons to play the two guard, but I'd rather see them try to trade for a good defensive two guard, someone like Thabo Sefolosha (who Sam Presti will not be handing over to us).

I wouldn't say this about a college player, since it would just be mean, but will someone teach Evan Turner English? I can't understand a word he says. I'm going to predict bust based strictly off that.

I really liked every pick that Oklahoma City was related to. Before the draft, they traded up in the draft while taking on about $2 million in salary, but getting a useful shooter in Daequan Cook. They needed a solid big man, not a game changer, but a good defender who is competent on offense, and they were able to trade up for Cole Aldrich. They traded away three picks, and two of the players were guys that I loved in this draft, in Craig Brackins and Eric Bledsoe. They got a future number one as well, which is nothing new, because Presti constantly trades for future number one picks. Plus, in the second round, they drafted some guy named Magnum Rolle; he was immediately traded, which was the last of their six draft related trades. God, I love Sam Presti. It's a shame the Bulls are going to be running out a lineup of Bosh, Noah, LeBron, me, and Rose meaning they have the next five NBA titles locked up. (Isn't it scary to think that they really could put me at the two and still dominate everyone?)

The Jazz took Gordon Hayward and the Celtics took Luke Harangody; I don't even need to comment on that.

Devan Bawinkel and Club Trillion's Mark Titus are both still available. I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

ESPN's draft coverage was BRUTAL. I only made it to pick 23 before I had to turn it off, because it was unbearable. Why could Jon Barry not understand that when trades happen, it means the pick is actually being made for a different team. Somehow, he understood that the Bulls traded away Hinrich and needed a two guard, but couldn't understand that their pick was also in that trade meaning that they would not be drafting a shooting guard. Jay Bilas was alright, everybody else could have been replaced by the ladies from Sex and the City.

In my head, this was going to be a shorter post, but I got to ranting.

-Joe

P.S. Quick picks for the fights this weekend: Fedor by knockout, Cyborg by TKO, Cung Le by TKO, and Josh Thomson by decision.

P.P.S. I can't wait to use the term "Getting my dode slarved":

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Quick Thoughts

First things first, Jose Canseco decided to be awesome again:
JoseCanseco I'm doing a porn next week. We'll bring a donkey to it's knees baby

The NBA Draft is tonight, and obviously John Wall will be the number one pick, and that's pretty boring to me. I thought this would be a boring draft for the Bulls, but there has been a rumor going around that the Bulls are looking to shop Luol Deng and their #17 pick to move up in the draft. The most talked about destination has been the Clippers at #8. If this trade happens, it means the Bulls are supremely confident that they can sign LeBron. It also means they'd only need to clear about two million off their cap to give a max contract to Bosh as well. Hello, dynasty.

I'll give Iowa State some love as I think Craig Brackins is the most underrated player in the draft. The players around him were so pathetic that they would probably have trouble with our All-Under 6'0" Field House team (to be fair, we were a pretty ballin' ass team). But everybody had the game plan of stopping Brackins to win, and he still put up very good numbers. At worse, I feel he's a guy who can be in your rotation of bigs.

The second most underrated prospect? Devan Bawinkel.

The human ear is the second most disgusting body part around. If a bug looked like an ear, people would freak out anytime that they saw that bug. It's just misshapen, and has weird folds. Things stick out where it should be smooth. And there's proof that I am right. Nobody has ever seen ear porn. When I googled Ear Porn, all that showed up was sites referring to really good or sexy music. If you are a body part that can't get some sort of pornography going, there is something seriously wrong with you. (FYI, the most disgusting body part is any penis that isn't mine)

If this blog blows up and I get bought out for $10 million, my bathroom will definitely have a toilet and a urinal in it. Usually, taking a leak is just getting rid of waste and not all that exciting, but it would be awesome to have your own urinal. There would be a urinal cake in mine at all times. Imagine the sense of accomplishment when you disintegrated an entire urinal cake using nothing but the power of your own urine. I don't think there would be a day I'd enjoy more than the day I had to replace the urinal cake because of my own destruction of the urinal cake.

If this happens, I may have to boycott Showtime.

And if you don't love Ricky Stanzi already, this video will probably change your mind. Not only has Stanzi usurped Jim Harbaugh as Captain Comeback, but he also shows that he has a heart of gold.


If that video doesn't convince you, then here's Stanzi explaining his famous post-game speech about America.

I plan on using the phrase, "These colors don't run" in any situation where it can be remotely relevant.

-Joe

P.S. I'm going to be in Southern California the weekend of July 9th, so if any of my dedicated fans want to meet me in person and buy me a drink, feel free to contact me (I really hope this works).

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 5

And so we have reached number one on the list. Honestly, I'm sure there are tons of groups of people out there that I failed to mention, so if you have some suggestions, I could probably find the strength to write about more people that are useless to the world.

1. Tea Party Patriots - The only time these fuckers should ever be number one, because holy shit, as bad as juggalos are, they can't even compare to the stupidity of Tea Party Patriots. Tea Party Patriots can be summed up in one sentence: Republicans who hate taxes and LOVE Sarah Palin.

That last part scares the shit out of me. Before delving deeply into the real scary shit, I would like to reveal a screenshot from the official magazine of the Tea Party Patriots.

They use Ads by Google, nothing wrong with that as this illustrious blog also gets help from Google to pay the bills. I have written about some ridiculous shit, and still, I have never been sponsored by Bad Idea t-shirts. Google ads are set to make sense with what is on your website, and when looking up Sarah Palin, Google knew that she could only be described with two words: Bad Idea.

Anybody who likes Sarah Palin, quite frankly, terrifies me. They're the type of people that logic does not exist. Say they dropped their wedding ring down the kitchen sink, something that happens all the time on TV but never in real life. They reach down the drain and are able to close their hand on the ring. The problem is, that when they have a closed fist, they can't pull their hand out. Smart people would let go and try to go after it a different way. Dumb people would start screaming and keep their hand down there. People who like Sarah Palin would cut their arm off with the nearest knife. Is it logical? God no, but at least their hand isn't stuck anymore. You could tell them that their hand wasn't stuck in the first place until they dropped the ring, but they have already forgotten about problem one as it no longer fits their agenda. That's why these people scare the fuck out of me.

Unlike the other people that made this list, they are not harmless, they are extremely harmful. I've never met a Tea Party Patriot in real life, but that just means I've been lucky so far. These are the bottom-dwelling mouth breathers of the world. If you come across one, I advise you not to argue logic with them, it will prove fruitless. Just politely nod and slowly back away until you are a safe distance away from them, then sprint out of there like your life depends on it...because it probably does.

Thinking about supporting the Tea Party? You'd be better off having a Lemon Party with Goatse (I did not check to see if those links worked).

-Joe

P.S. Val Kilmer was on my flight back to Albuquerque last night. It was cool that I saw him, but it also kind of depressed me. Not for the fact that he's balding and has a ponytail, but that if our plane would have crashed, it would have been known as the plane crash where Val Kilmer and others died. I really need this blog to grow so it can be Val Kilmer, blogger Hott Joe, and others died on a plane crash. Spread the word.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Soccer Players Are Pussies

Like many people, I am watching soccer for the first time in four years. I'm watching it partly because it's relevant for the first time in four years and partly, because my other option is listening to Skip Bayless and I'd rather wipe my ass with a rusty saw than do that.

Soccer is a good sport to watch in the way that you can be doing something else and really not miss anything if you just occasionally glance at the screen anytime the announcer raises his voice. To simply watch a game without a heavy amount of alcohol in your system seems nearly impossible to me, but as the Hipsters would say, "I just don't get it."

Now this doesn't mean that I don't think these guys are in great shape, they are definitely in shape. But I also can't consider any of these guys among the best athletes in the world, because these guys are all a bunch of pussies. It seems like soccer players lack pride. If somebody gets knocked down in any other sport, they immediately pop up to let the opponent know that they weren't phased by what just happened. If someone slides and makes any contact with their legs, a soccer player reacts as if his entire knee has been shredded by the contact.

Also, I don't understand why people get pissed at Cristiano Ronaldo for faking to try to get fouls called. EVERYBODY is faking. They all drop for any reason they can find. Plus, the refs are pussies as they kicked out some Nigerian for attempting to kick a guy. He didn't even connect with it. That ref must have a country album coming out and he's looking for press (And there is a reference that I'm guessing nobody will get).

Not only are they pussies physically but mentally as well. The reason there is no scoring in any of these games is because everybody has worked on tightening up their defense instead of trying to put pressure on the other team with offense. Honestly, it's a smart strategy, but they're still playing the game like pussies. It's why Spain can have approximately 311 scoring opportunities and the Swiss can beat them while having two scoring opportunities.

Soccer is like Ultimate Frisbee that isn't played with D-Port Rules. If they allowed pushing, shoving, tackling, and occasional punching, soccer would be way awesome, much like D-Port Ultimate Frisbee is. But if they stick with these pussy rules, everybody's just going to think soccer players are a bunch of fags. I hope a team that is eliminated after two games goes into their third game and brings the D-Port mentality to the sport and gets everybody redcarded. If a team did that, I would totally buy the jersey of whoever got kicked out for the most violent act.

The world loves soccer like Americans love NASCAR. I think both sports are pretty boring on TV, but I think they would both be a lot of fun to go to for a live event. There's always something going on which is great for live sporting events, but it's an extremely slow sport for television.

Oh yeah, and despite all my complaining, I'm still going to watch just about every game.

-Joe

P.S. I know the vuvuzelas are a big deal and everything, but unless I am consciously thinking about them, I never really even think about the buzz going on. I am apparently the only person in the world who isn't driven to insanity by these things. It's just more proof of my superior DNA.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 4

This group of people really doesn't belong this high on the list, but they definitely deserve to be a part of the list. The reason they're technically so high is I had to truly prepare myself to research the worthlessness of these people. I found out that they are extremely worthless, but outside of killing their own clown babies, they're relatively harmless. So let's go into talking about these atrocious people.

2. Juggalos - For the uninformed, Juggalos are the group of people that are fans of the Insane Clown Posse (ICP). They make vampires look cool. The question that keeps coming up in my head when it comes to Juggalos is how stupid do you have to be to follow people as stupid as ICP? Here is a video of ICP's most popular song to show you how stupid they are:


If you made it through that, congratulations, you won't make it through this video of one of their Juggalo fans.


If you can't make it through this, and really, you shouldn't be able to, I'll explain. Since she's a Juggalo, she's stupid. Since she's fat, she didn't know she was pregnant for six months. Since she's fat and stupid, she took drugs during the first six months of her pregnancy. She then decided that it was the doctor's fault that her baby was pronounced dead thirteen minutes after her birth. The only thing to say after that is move over Lou Gehrig, that dead baby is the luckiest person alive, because death for that baby is way better than having to live with Juggalo parents. Plus, the baby was probably high as fuck throughout the entire pregnancy, so that's pretty tight too.

Want more information on Juggalos? They love Faygo soda (Note: That link may make you vomit). Why? That's the things with Juggalos. You should never ask why, because unless you're willing to literally dumb yourself down to the point where you can't feed yourself, you will never figure out why they do anything.

And that pretty much sums them up, they love painting their faces, listening to ICP, and Faygo soda. These are incredibly stupid people who have been linked to some violence, even though ICP says they are against violence despite all of their songs being incredibly violent. The scary part about Juggalos is that they see this as a religious experience. Combine that with retard strength and they can be much more dangerous than the other people on this list. Still, they're such a small group that they probably could be put lower. And hey, at least they don't chug Smirnoff.

-Joe

P.S. Fo Sweeeeeet!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Best Movie You'll See This Summer

This past weekend, I partied hard and probably hooked up with a thoroughbred dimepiece or two (I say probably, because I was drunk and there's no way I can remember everything). Still, these things paled in comparison to the highlight of the weekend when I went to see the best movie of the summer on Friday afternoon.

If you've got half a brain, you already know what movie I am referring to, but for those uneducated few, I will let you know that I saw a badass action movie, and I'm definitely not referring to the Karate Kid. That movie's for fruit booties. I saw a man's film, The A-Team.

For anyone familiar with the show, you know what to expect, a bunch of explosions, a total lack of a love story, and the A-Team kicking ass. This movie does not disappoint. Is it going to get Oscar considerations? No, but that's just because the Academy doesn't like movies that are this awesome. There are no outstanding acting performances, but the four main characters all perform their roles well enough which is all that I require. Jessica Biel is in the movie, and she could probably be replaced by any partially trained, mildly retarded dog, but that's not a shocker.

The movie isn't going to surprise you in any way, but this movie had one goal, to be a guy's movie that entertains. In that regard, it succeeds. Do you have to turn your brain off a little bit? Of course you do, but if you're looking to have a good time at the theaters, there is no more of a sure thing than The A-Team.

And if you don't like this movie, you lack testicles.

-Joe

P.S. The only movie that stands a chance of being as good as this movie is The Expendables. That movie could so manly that just by watching it, it might reverse any manscaping I have done throughout my life. Now that's manly.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 3

3. Hipsters - Pretty much the epitome of douchebags, they are constantly exerting themselves in an effort to be cool by doing things that are not cool. They want to come across as a person who mainstream pop culture does not influence at all, because they are hip to the latest and greatest thing. So let's go over ways to spot hipsters so you can avoid this bottom-feeding lifeform.

I. They wear stupid glasses. The most common hipster glasses are the black rimmed glasses that Weezer wears. Although that is the most common form, you can see any form of stupid glasses being used for hipsters to appear to look cool. Here are stupid glasses that only a Hipster would wear:


II. They spend as much time on their hair as a girl would. If you're a guy, you should keep things simple. Do you know the last time I brushed my hair? Neither do I, but it definitely hasn't happened this decade. Washing my hair means that it's good to go 95% of the time. Hipsters fashion their hair, using brushes, hair dryers, and hair straighteners. Is this necessary? Obviously not, but this is the type of shit that hipsters love to do.

III. They wear skinny jeans. Skinny jeans will never be acceptable. Wait, strike that, Frank Reynolds can pull off skinny jeans, but no other person can.


IV. They say you don't get it. Since they are always trying to be on the cutting edge of popular culture, they look down upon people who don't know the coolest new bands or watch movies that are successful at the box office. Here is the problem with their notion that these unpopular things are actually really good. They're usually not. When you point that out to them, their response is "Well, you just don't get it." Hey hipster, fuck you. I get it; it's just not good. You aren't on some artistic high-ground where you understand shitty things on a deeper level than me. You're just a fucking tool who tries way too hard to be cool.

V. They love irony. God damnit, do they love irony. Hence, you'll see them with super cool facial hair. They don't grow facial hair to look good, they do it to look back at historical facial hair to show how amusing it was. God, hipsters really need to go fuck themselves.

Another form of being ironic was just brought to my attention early last week. I came across it, thought, "Wow, people are turning into bigger douchebags than I ever thought possible." Luckily, it was so douchey that I never thought I would come across this situation. Then, on Friday, I saw groomsmen from my sister's wedding doing it to my new brother in law. After that, I got a message bringing up this phenomena and saying that I have been warned. I couldn't fucking believe it. I hope everyone who has done this realizes that this is hipster behavior. What is this behavior? Something called Bros Icing Bros. It is people who give their buddy a Smirnoff Ice, and he has to chug it while taking a knee or be banished from the icing game. Really guys? It's "hilarious" because Smirnoff Ice is so shitty, and you're making your buddy drink it. Oh wait, only total douchebags would find that entertaining. Just so everybody knows, if you "ice" me, you're just going to waste the $4 that it costs to buy a Smirnoff. I won't drink it, I won't give a shit if you whine about it, it'll simply go to waste or you can drink it. Enjoy that swill, hipster.

It's not that hard to create a game like that. I can create a game called Bros Getting Bros Shitty. When having a great time with your friends, you shit into a bowl or cup and present it to your buddy. Your buddy has to eat that shit unless he shows that he's actually already shit his pants. Let the good times roll, assclowns.

In conclusion, the basic rule of thumb is that if you see a person, and say, "Wow, that person is a huge douchebag," they're probably a hipster. I would say that hipsters are worthless, but they are far beyond worthless. Their existence lowers the enjoyment of life for everyone. I promise that if I am ever on a jury where a hipster was killed, the murderer will walk free.

-Joe

P.S. Just in case I haven't bitched to you about this yet, Brennan Cougill was #1 overall pick in the Prime Time League. All of my excitement for Iowa basketball was quickly deflated.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 2

4. Vampires And Werewolves - Really? Is this really happening? People think they are fictional creatures now. I remember a couple years ago when I had a female acquaintance tell me that her friend just gave her this stupid Twilight book that is supposed to be really popular right now. After reading it, and constantly updating me on how it sucked, she basically said that it was a really shitty book about douchey vampires and some whiny ass bitch (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point). Since I am not in tune with the world of popular fiction writing, I thought nothing of it at first. Then I started seeing news reports about how these books were sweeping the nation.

But shit hit the fan when I was preparing to go to Tampa for Iowa's Outback Bowl game against South Carolina in late 2008. I will leave out these friends' names as it's so despicable that it would probably eliminate their chances of becoming full-time pharmacists, uh, whatever profession they choose. Friend one decided to bring along the Twilight book and claimed that he heard really good things about it so he was excited to read it on the trip. Before I could mock him, friend two said that he had also heard good things about that book and wouldn't mind reading it while friend one was driving. My response, "You guys are fucking with me, right?" I mean, this was the only reasonable explanation in my mind, but no, they were dead serious. After ripping a book that I had never read based strictly on it being about girls falling in love with vampires, I got them to admit that, yes, that book does sound kind of gay. I can't confirm or deny whether they eventually read it, but I never saw them reading it, which was good enough for me.

Douchey vampires were out of my life for good...until that goddamn movie came out. And they were back in full force. I can't confirm this, but my brother asked some dumbass who likes the books and movies how the vampires survive in the daylight. I was hoping that they would come up with something acceptable like they were only half-vampire (aka daywalkers) like Blade and that is how they walked around in the daylight. But no, instead they sparkle in the daylight. They fucking sparkle. Fuck you creator of Twilight. Fuck you. To make matters worse, another movie came out, and this one has goddamn werewolves that girls fall in love with. Jesus Fucking Christ.

And this is where shit gets weird. Yep, shit's been normal compared to what I have to go into now. People think they are vampires and werewolves. Let me repeat that, people think they are vampires and werewolves. People think they are fictional beings. Although it's not as weird as Furries, I definitely need to dig deeper into this.

Since this craze isn't as big, I'll touch briefly on teen werewolves. Unfortunately, this is not a fun-loving Teen Wolf that loves basketball, but instead they're basically happier emo kids. This video has been spread around the internet quite a bit, but it's worth taking a look at it to help explain these douchebags:

Basically these douchebags seek attention by wearing collars and tails. If my child ever tries to rebel by being a werewolf, he's getting dropped off in Nebraska, never to be seen again.

Now onto vampires where I consulted the website vampirewebsite.net. These vampires are a clever bunch, aren't they? They have 20 links at the top of the page to discover more about the world of vampires. Clearly, the first one that I clicked on was "Knowing if you are a real vampire". Most of the shit on this sounds like it was designed as a pickup gambit, but the basic gist of it is that if you like drinking blood, and you're totally awesome, you're probably a vampire. My favorite is #21: A legitimate Vampire is able to safely digest more than 600% of the daily recommended amount of iron (RDA is 18mg 600% of that is 108mg). This can be tested by use of iron pills bought at almost any nutrition store or grocery store.

So you want to be a legit vampire? Then you've got to go to GNC, get yourself some iron pills and hella overdose on them. If you don't get sick, then you're a LEGIT vampire. God damnit, vampires are lame.

Next up I decided to check out their information on how to tell your friends and family that you're a vampire. Right at the top, they sum it up: Most people who believe that they are a real vampire, simply have a psychological problem. Make sure you are not one of these people before you go around claiming to be a vampire. First off, we want to change most to all, but that doesn't really tell the story. They don't have psychological problems, they're just lame douchebags who want attention.

But the real goldmine of vampire information is in the section of Real vampire questions and answers, I'll put my comments in bold italics.

Q.I want to know can you eat human's food? pizza, salad etc.
A. yes
Vampires may hate the sunlight, but they still love pizza.

Is pregnancy for vampire women easier or harder than it is for normal women?
Talked to a friend of mine that had two kids before I made her a vamp and one afterwards she told me that during her pregnancy as a vamp the baby kicked a lot harder than either of the first two, logicaly im guessing they get that bonus strength from the start.
Wow, just wow. Any answer where someone states they turned another person into a vampire, and then uses the word "logically" is from a person that is bat-shit crazy. Vampire babies having extra strength just makes me think of when Dwight Schrute said that he absorbed his twin brother so now he has the strength of a full-sized man and a baby.


Do you believe all vampires need to consume blood? Why or why not?
*lol
All a real vampire can do is laugh at those dumb enough to ask whether you need to consume blood as a vampire. Of course you do, dumbass.

Do you believe vampires have a special place in society? If so, what is that place? If not, why not?
I believe that the current society would be much better to live in if they had a higher level of openess to the fact that real vampires do exist and that we have been living amongst them for who knows how long. I would like it if they accepted the fact that real vampires exist to the degree of where we could buy blood in a grocery store as easily as a person buys a premade pizza
Going through the grocery store, ah, there's pig blood, deer blood, elephant blood, giraffe blood, and there it is, Tombstone Pizza. Yeah, that seems reasonable.

Oh, and are you looking to get rid of your enemies?

want a free donor? i volunteer my roomate as long as you drain her completly, her lazyness has pissd me the hell off.
whyte_panther22: you cant volunteer some one else
Vampire legend whyte_panther22 is having none of that. No volunteering others, assholes. These are LEGITIMATE vampires.

These people are probably the biggest douchebags on this list, but the thing they have going for them is that they are harmless, and even looking at both werewolves and vampires, this still isn't a widespread phenomenon like furries.

These assclowns started because of a book about sparkling vampires. How hard is it to create one of these books? Not too hard. How do I know that? Because I'm going to do it. What do girls love more than anything else in the world? DA DICK. What do they love the second most? Unicorns. So bam, I make the unicorn's horn its sex cannon, and I call my book Love Horn. They won't let their differences get in the way of love. Girls and unicorns uniting in love...finally. This shit writes itself.

-Joe

P.S. Some people like adult videos, Jim Schwartz likes Jahvid Best highlight videos, but this is the type of video that gets me going:


P.P.S. I had a record-setting 59 visitors yesterday, putting us up over 2000 visitors since the blog started. Keep spreading the word, so by 2012, I can sell this thing for $20 million.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 1

My brother, cousin, and I had a discussion about what the most despicable pieces of shit on the planet were. After careful consideration, including five minutes of research, I will reveal the six worst types of human beings on this planet. Today, we'll do numbers six and five.

6. Hippies - Since I know a lot of hippies, I could feel worried about the consequences of calling them one of the five worst type of people on the planet, but then I remembered that they're hippies. What are they going to do? Grow so many trees that I get over-oxygenated? Good luck with that hippies. For the most part, hippies are harmless, but this also leads to their ultimate failure. What have hippies ever done for the world? According to my good friends (except not at all) at Republican Rebel, the hippie is "first and foremost an unemployed, unproductive member of society."

When I googled "Successful Hippie" the first story that popped up was "Ex-hippie turns successful businesswoman" (and that hippie has a face only a mother could love). Success and hippies are mutually exclusive things, you can have one, but not the other. At Happily Hippie, their home page still celebrates 4/20...2009. God damnit hippies, you have nothing but free time, at least update your website every year.

If this all hasn't convinced you that hippies are bad news, here's two hippie females (with beards) giving a baby some marijuana:
Fucking hippies.

5. Emo - I actually just found out that emo is short for emotional. It's not like this doesn't make sense, but since emo people are pretty inconsequential, my inner thoughts begin and end with "Emos, they really suck." These people seek attention but think the world is a cruel place. But really, I don't interact with emo people all that often, so I figured I would let a person from Emo Corner describe it to you:

"Emo,yes it is short for emotional. But,there is more to emo then hair and looks. Emo is a state of mind. Most people,made them selves appear emo. While in reality,they have to much hope to be emo. Emo is much like goth. But,goth is Darker. Emo is more emotional,harder to fake. Yes,some emos cut themselves,but there is more than that. Emo is one of the hardest things,to explain. People hate emos,b/c they view us as suicidal,cry babies,or just week. That's NOT what emo is. Suicidal yes,at times. But,don't judge me for being emo. It's not what I chose to be. It's just what I am."

There's a lot to work with here, so let's break it down:
1. They're emotional - no big shocker there.
2. You can't just make yourself emo with a look, it has to come from within.
3. Having hope is not emo. Hopelessness is emo.
4. Do NOT confuse them with goth people, goth is darker, dumbass. Emos just like to cut themselves and occasionally attempt suicide.
5. Emos are pussies, because they cut themselves instead of actually succeeding in suicide.
6. People view emos as suicidal, crybabies, and weak. All of these things are true. This person admits they are suicidal. He does nothing but whine about the world throughout this entire post, so I'd consider that a crybaby. And he identifies himself as emotional, what could be weaker than that?

Let's look at this logically, if someone were to ask me what it is like being Hott Joe, I could come up with a much simpler reply than this turd burglar came up with. "Being Hott Joe means doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and it's awesome." Boom, done.

Emos are really as harmless as hippies. The reason they are worse than hippies is that hippies don't really care about anything. They don't try, they're just there. Emos go out of their way to try to get attention from the world, and they're way less fun at parties.

The weird part about emos as opposed to the rest of the people that I will mention is that I actually hope for their success. An emo person is somebody that you leave a gun around without the safety on and just see what happens. I'll assume they'll show their emotional side and start to cuddle the gun, but how fun it will be when they accidentally cuddle that trigger. Night Night.

-Joe

P.S. Anybody looking to shed a few extra pounds at any time, I have a method that will most definitely work. Just turn off your air conditioning (or not have it work, like in my case). Let those 90-100 degree temperatures do the work as you shed weight. It turns your room into a disgusting sauna where every time you get up, you leave a trail of sweat from every orifice of your body. But you'll look great in a bathing suit. And that's all that really matters.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Quick Thoughts: Sports Edition

Is it bad that I have no clue when the World Cup starts? I know it's soon, because there's been a lot of hype about it lately. But I usually rely on ESPN having a countdown when I watch it, but I don't have cable at my place so I've avoided that. I'm not a soccer fan at all, but I do have fond memories of the last World Cup. I remember going to Omaha for the College World Series and skipping the day game to go to a church that had kind of become a bar and watching the World Cup on a 13 inch TV with my buddies and a bunch of soccer hooligans who chose to wear the American Flag instead of t-shirts. Now that's a fashion statement I can get behind.

I have grown up rooting for Chicago sports teams, but as much fun as it would be, I really can't claim to be a Blackhawks fan. If you asked me who my favorite team is, I'd probably say the Blackhawks. But if you asked me who my favorite player on the team is, I'd probably say Jeremy Roenick. I guess that I wish the Blackhawks good luck, but unless it goes to a Game 7, I'm probably not going to see a minute of the games.

Speaking of Chicago sports teams, how fucked are the Cubs? Really fucked? Extremely fucked? Unbelievably fucked? If everything broke right for them, maybe (and I stress maybe) they could be competitive in 2013, but they've got a lot of old guys with expensive contracts and the farm system is okay on pitching and bare when it comes to hitting. I liked Josh Vitters going into the season, but he's got the Corey Patterson approach of "If the pitcher is going to go to all the trouble of throwing a ball near the plate, I should at least have the common decency to swing at it." Their only hope is that the rest of the division sucks, and maybe an 83-85 win season can win the division.

How bad is it that I'm more excited for Iowa basketball than I am for Iowa football? Maybe this offseason is starting to wear on me, but the more I think about the football team this year, the more I've convinced myself that this year could be a massive letdown. The schedule is set up nearly perfectly for them, but it's got a lot of games where the Hawks could slip up. Going on the road for a night game early in the season just seems like a really bad idea. Wisconsin, Penn State, Ohio State and Michigan State are all at home, but this isn't the same Hawkeye team that dominated at Kinnick. Plus, road games against Michigan and Northwestern are still very scary for this squad.

But then I get to thinking more. Iowa dominated Arizona a lot worse than the score showed, and the Pac-10 is weak as shit. Iowa dominated Penn State and Wisconsin last year on the road, and although Wisconsin returns a lot of guys, Scott Tolzien does not put any fear in me. We beat Michigan State and took Ohio State to overtime with a backup QB, and Iowa's D-Line may make Terrelle Pryor quit football. Northwestern's a bunch of ass clowns who hurt a US hero, Ricky Stanzi, so he will no doubt get revenge on those pussies. And Michigan may have a Bud Kilmer moment sometime this season and try to play without a coach. Yes, it worked with with Lance Harbor coaching the team, but Tate Forcier is no Lance Harbor, and Denard Robinson is no Jonathan Moxon (During the James Vandenberg era at Iowa, I probably heard "Mox is a fox" about 375 times).

Have a great weekend everybody, and I'll be back in D-Port late Wednesday, and I'll be in town the following two weekends. Hit me up if you want to party.

-Joe

P.S. Don't even try to take off La Parka's mask. This dude's just lucky he didn't have a chair.

For your health!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Old School Writings

Here is the exciting conclusion of a story that involves strippers and supposed Hermaphrodites, uncleverly titled, Booyah. I'll start right where we left off to get everybody in the mood for the climax:

Although Pete had never been there before, he quickly led the group to a table near the middle stage. As they sat down, Pete saw a dancer coming their way and quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket. As the voluptuous African American woman walked his way, Pete put the dollar high in the air to get her attention. She came over to the table.

“Hey big boy, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good baby now that you came over.”

“You looking for a private dance?”

“How much for one of those?”

“Twenty dollars.”

“Twenty dollars? Shit, I’ll stick with the dollar dance for now.”

The clearly disappointed stripper grinded on Pete for five seconds, and then put his face into her breasts. It was then that he found out that everyone was right, there really is no better smell than stripper’s breasts. Pete took in a deep breath to truly enjoy the aroma to its fullest.

After the girl left, Pete proudly exclaimed, “YEAH, that was awesome! That fine ass bitch hella had her titties in my face.” It was not until then that Pete noticed his three friends laughing at him. “What are you guys laughing at?”

“Pete, that bitch was nasty,” James said.

“What? You must be gay, that girl had some big ol’ titties. She had a nice ass too, and she was hella feeling on my dick.”

“Shit, there’s no way she could have felt your tiny ass crooked dick,” replied James.

“She hella felt it, and she was hot, I don’t care what you guys say.”

“Pete, she had a gap in her two front teeth that you could drive a semi through,” Steve answered.

“Whatever, it was still tight.” After that, the boys were surprised to see the girl Steve was talking to earlier come up to their table with two of her friends.

“Is there room for us with you guys? There’s a ton of creepy old guys hitting on us everywhere we go in this place,” Sam said.

Steve replied, “I think ther...”

“Hell yeah, there’s room for you fine ladies at our table,” Pete interrupted.

Sam said, “These are my friends, Emily and Jenny.”

“Nice to meet you Emily and Jenny, I’m Pete and this is James.”

“Hey, nice to meet you girls.”

As Steve and Sam got to know each other better, Pete started up a conversation with Jenny who was a short blonde hair that was very cute. Meanwhile, James and Emily had an awkward conversation where James tried way too hard to work baseball into the conversation. It was also especially awkward since Emily was still under the impression that James was a hermaphrodite. After about half an hour of conversation and Pete nearly forgetting he was at a strip club, he told everyone that he needed to go outside so he could shotgun a beer to keep his buzz going.

He went out to Steve’s car and opened up the trunk to get a sixteen ounce Keystone Light. He strategically cut a hole on the side near the bottom of the can. He then put his lips on it, popped the top and let all sixteen ounces of delicious Pete fuel to run down his throat. After discarding a can, he saw a girl walking towards the back door of Booyah.

“Hey baby, you know what’s wrong with you?”

Confused, the girl replied, “No, what’s that?”

Without missing a beat, Pete said, “Not a GOD damn thing.” As she laughed, Pete thought that he was in with this girl. “So do you work here?”

“Yeah, my name’s Jasmine.”

“I’m Pete.”

“Well Pete, save some time for you, I’ve got a very special dance ready for you if you’re interested.”

“Awesome!” Pete exclaimed, too drunk to try to hide his excitement. With that, she went through the employee entrance and Pete went around to the front entrance. When he reentered, he was met by Steve.

“Hey P, what do you think of that Jenny girl?”

“She seems cool.”

“Well, she’s interested in you man, and I really think this could be the night you finally get some or at least start a relationship with the future possibility of getting some action. She’s not a model, but she’s plenty good enough for you.”

“I can’t believe you think I need a girl like that. For your information, I just had a stripper hit on me out in the parking lot and she said she’s going to look for me in the club, so I don’t need regular girls, strippers love me.”

“Pete, seriously, you shouldn’t fuck this up just because you think you’re going to get laid by a stripper, because you’re not. They are paid to make you think that way so you pay them money.”

“Yeah man, maybe you do have a point, but she was flirting with me.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“All right, as long as you believe me, then lets go back and I’ll use the charm to have Jenny wanting to S the D.”

“Maybe you should just worry about not making an ass out of yourself instead of trying to be charming.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Then they went back to the table where Peck continued to hit it off with Jenny. Pete asked her about who her favorite sports teams were and she kept coming back with the answers he wanted to hear, responding with Bears, Cubs, and Bulls. After conversing for fifteen minutes, his attention was drawn away when Jasmine came down to the second stage.

Pete quickly zoned out Jenny and focused his attention on Jasmine completely. She moved in a poetic way that Pete had never imagined, the song “Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie had never sounded so beautiful to him. He wanted to go up to the stage and throw his money at her, but he knew that he had to play it cool if he planned on snagging Jasmine. Yet, Jenny did seem really cool, and Pete really liked the fact of an attractive Cubs fan over what Jasmine might be. She could be a Yankees fan for all he knew, or even worse, a Cardinals fan. After Jasmine got off the stage, Pete continued to hit it off with Jenny and surprisingly didn’t make an ass of himself.

Things changed again for Pete as he saw Jasmine approaching their table.

“Hey Pete, ready for that private dance?”

“Actually, I don’t know…”

“Is that your girlfriend over there?” Jasmine inquired while pointing at Jenny.

“No, not my girlfriend.”

“Well, then I don’t see what’s stopping us.”

Pete looked back at Jenny, then back at Jasmine, then back to Jenny again. Pete knew that it was time to make a decision. He knew what would help him decide so he followed through on it.

“Hey Jasmine, I got a question for you. Who’s your favorite baseball team?”

“I’m a Cardinals fan.”

After hearing that answer, his mind became clear on what decision that he had to make. “Well, the Cardinals suck,” he told Jasmine. “But I didn’t come here for baseball, I came here for some titties, so lets rock baby!” With that, Pete followed Jasmine, never bothering to look back to see the girls leaving. There was no need to, he knew he made the right decision.

************
And so concludes our story, I hope you enjoyed it.

-Joe

P.S. It's sad that a legend like Ken Griffey Jr. is hanging it up in baseball, but the exciting news is that he can finally resume his acting career.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quick Thoughts

My first thought on Jim Joyce was, "Wow, what an awful call." Then I started reading Twitter, and I just felt bad for the guy. I mean, he's just getting ripped to shreds, and he will be booed anytime his name is mentioned for the rest of this season. I think about Ed Hochuli blowing the call against the Chargers a couple years ago, but he only had to deal with Chargers fans really hating him. He cost baseball fans history, and therefore he has no safe place. It's not like Indians fans are happy about the call, not only do they suck, but losing a game in baseball and seeing history happen is something that any baseball fan would take. I feel bad for Galarraga, but in the end, this will only cost him being on a list. He is going to get more interviews than Halladay and Braden combined for being screwed out of the perfect game than actually getting the perfect game. It sucks that he can't be on that list, but that list means more long after he's passed away, he's going to be swimming in pussy while he's alive because of that call. It's a trade-off I'd gladly make.

Cougar Town is an awful show. I can make this claim after literally only watching it for five seconds. Why did I watch? I saw one of the chicks from White Chicks on it. Yep, that's why I watched, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

P.S. This picture gets me hard.

Old School Writings

I have nothing on my mind, so it's time for some Old School Writings. This is a story I wrote back in 2005. I know my readers have short attention spans, so I'll do the first part today, and then I'll put up the second part later this week. I am not making editorial changes to these, even though I probably should so the writing may have some rough spots. This story is entitled Booyah.

Pete had waited for this day for a long time, and even though he had drank heavily before the big moment, he knew that no amount of alcohol in the world could make him forget this experience. He had heard all the stories, and couldn’t wait to finally encounter it first-hand. As his buddy Steve strolled into the parking lot, Pete could hear the beats of rap music nearly shaking the ground around him. He was overwhelmed with happiness as he got out of the car and walked towards the door with Steve and his other friend James. He was so close to everything that they had talked about, the sounds of the music he could already hear, the smells that were so beautiful they could make an angel quiver, the sights that he had spent many lonely nights contemplating and just thinking of the way it felt was almost more than he could bare. Here he was, he had finally made it to eighteen years old, and as excited as he was about being able to buy cans of Skoal on his own now, this experience was the epitome of what being eighteen years old was all about. As he walked towards the glass door, he saw the emblem and he knew that it was finally his time as it read: Booyah! A Gentleman’s Club. As Pete walked up to the bouncer and handed him his ID, he couldn’t help but peak in to see the three stages on three different levels to see three different naked women dancing around the three poles that glistened each stage. As the bouncer wished him a happy birthday and took his $20, giving him ten one-dollar bills in return, Pete could no longer hide his emotion. He grinned from ear to ear as he pushed the door open for this was the moment he believed he would journey into manhood.

Pete was the last one of his friends to turn eighteen. Pete had to stay at home as buddy after buddy became legal and went to Booyah, the biggest and best strip club in the area. He had heard stories of completely naked women dancing on guys for only one dollar. His friends had told him that there is no better smell than strippers. Pete could not imagine a girl smelling better than freshly cut grass in the summertime, but his friends assured him that the grass would never be able to compare to the smell of a stripper. He had heard of stories in Penthouse Forum about guys going to strip clubs and taking multiple strippers back for a night of wild orgies. Pete had total confidence in himself that he could be one of those guys. Nice people would refer to Pete as a dreamer, but people who knew him knew that he was far past being a dreamer and that he had managed to live his life with no real sense of reality. At school, Pete was a rather quiet kid, but out of school when alcohol was in his system, he became an absolute wild man. After drinking for hours at Steve’s house, he was more than ready to show his wild side.

Even though, it was on a Wednesday, he still found two of his best buddies willing to make the trip, including his best friend since grade school, Steve. Steve was the leader of the group, constantly pushing his friends to drink on nights they wanted to take it easy and always willing to take a chance. He played third base for the baseball team and wide receiver for the football team in high school. Most people didn’t think much of him when seeing him; he was 6’1”, but only around 160 pounds. He was a quick thinker so he had excellent wit and had the head to get him and his buddies out of bad situations.

As Pete walked in the door, he heard the song “Gimme The Light” by Sean Paul being blared on the speakers. His eyes lit up in the dark club as he saw the neon lights bouncing off each of the three stages as the beautiful, yet morally casual girls, each danced around their own six and a half foot pole. He tried to contain his emotions so he would not look desperate when he entered, but it was clear that hiding his joy would be a task he could not execute.

James followed them in, as he nervously looked around, first at the bouncers, and then at the girls. James was considered the dork of the group. He was 6’2” and weighed about a buck forty. Some people had more muscle in their jaw than he had in his entire body. His glasses were nearly as thick as coke bottles, and for most that would be their most embarrassing feature, but not for him. He was pale and his black hair was highlighted by the premature gray strands that protruded in every way. Nobody was real sure if the gray was caused by genetics or the stress caused by people constantly harassing him about anything they could. Despite being in things like drama club and show choir, he still hung out with the guys that were high on the social ladder. As much shit as he took throughout his days, he knew that if he got in any serious trouble, the guys that constantly pick on him would have his back. As they all walked in he said, “Hey guys, the line for the guys’ bathroom is so long, will one of you guys be the lookout so I can use the girls bathroom real quick?”

Steve said, “Yeah, I’ll look out for your queer ass so you don’t have to piss all over your K-Mart jeans.”

“Hey, these are American Eagle.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Pete said, “All right, while James lets his vagina drain, I am going to wait by the railing for him to get done.” As they walked away, Steve stayed by the bathroom to look our for James. A cute brunette with a denim jacket and breath that reeks of cheap vodka walks up to the bathroom and asks if she can use the bathroom.

Steve tells her, “Sorry, can’t use the bathroom.”

“Why not?” she asks.

Steve thinks as quick as he can and replies, “Well the toilet’s covered in shit. If you want to sit in that, go ahead, but I wouldn’t recommend even setting foot in there, it smells pretty awful.” After the girl quickly declines and ponders how she is going to deal with her situation, James walks out of the bathroom.

The girl yells, “HEY, what is a guy doing in the girls’ bathroom? There’s no shit in there at all.”

As James sees his opportunity to avoid this conflict before getting involved, he sneaks behind Steve to meet up with the other guys. Steve tells her, “Well that guy must have been the janitor, because that bathroom was filled with shit about ten minutes ago and if it’s clean now, that must have been his handy work.”

“That story is total bullshit, that guy was your friend.”

When Steve realizes that there is no way to keep this lie going, he asks the girl, “Do you really want to know the truth?”

“Yes, I would.”

“Well the truth is that’s my buddy James, and he’s a herm.”

“What? What’s a herm?”

“You know, a hermaphrodite, he’s got both tools down below.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, why else he would he be in the girls’ bathroom?”

“Well, I don’t really know.”

It was then that Steve realized that this girl was even drunker than he first thought and realized that he was going to get away with this story. “But don’t say anything; he’s really embarrassed about it, for obvious reasons.”

“So why do guys like you hang out with a guy like that, you know that’s got both of those things down there.”

“Well, we usually don’t, but his family is really good friends with mine, so they made me take him along so he could hang out with some guys. He’s a nice guy, so I have no problems with him, and I figure the guy’s already had pretty shitty luck, since he kind of looks like a woman without anybody knowing that about him. But the guys I’m with don’t even know, so don’t say anything.”

“Wow, that’s really nice of you to be so nice to him.”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna lie, I’m a pretty good guy. My name’s Steve by the way.”

“I’m Samantha, but everybody calls me Sam.”

“So what is a girl like you doing at a strip club on a Wednesday night?”

“Actually, I have a friend who started working here tonight, and my friends and I decided that we had to support our girl.”

“Well, you should come down and hang out later if you want to have a good time. It’s my buddy’s birthday so things are going to get wild.”

“All right, we might head down that way.”

“Cool, hopefully I see you later.” And with that, Steve went to meet up with the rest of the guys who were still waiting by the railing overlooking the stages.

“Who was that girl you were talking to?” asked James.

“Just some broad desperate for the D,” Steve replied.

“She must be desperate if she’s talking to you.”

“Shit, when a girl sees a stud like me, she’s got to try as hard as she can. I’m quite the catch if you haven’t noticed.”

“Whatever fag, let’s go see some tits.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Pete chimed in.

************
Expect the exciting conclusion of this story tomorrow, but possibly Friday if I get caught up doing...something.

-Joe

P.S. If you like the Chicago Bulls and the Ultimate Warrior, you will find this mildly entertaining:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Whiskey: A Wedding Story

Ah, whiskey. My delicious mistress. I'm not sure if you make it so I don't need to get laid, or if you make it to where I can't get laid, but either way, I'm happy that you're in my life. You are there for me any time that I need you, and I needed you this weekend.

My sister gave my parents hope for grandchildren by getting married this past weekend. This is great news as I'm glad my parents don't even have to consider counting on me to settle down and start a family, because I have the maturity of a 15 year old. But this isn't about family, this is about whiskey. The wedding and reception were both very nice, and nobody messed up any words, so that's really all you need to know about that part. At the reception, there were tubs filled with fancy beer since that's what fancy people drink. But since I am proud to be white trash, and there was no Natural Light among the fancy beers, it was time to go down a different, far more dangerous path, the whiskey path.

After the wedding, everyone goes inside to have some fancy hors d'oeuvres. I immediately go to the bar and order a seven and seven. Unfortunately, there was no Seagram's and there was no 7Up, so my seven and seven turned into a Crown and Sprite. Is this optimal? Of course not. Will it work? Hell yes. I start pounding away on whiskey, because there really isn't anything else for me to do.

They open up the room that the main part of the reception is taking place and they get the band going and a lot of people start cutting a rug on the dance floor. Here is my dilemma. As everyone who follows the phenomena that is West Coast Dance knows, I love to get my groove on, but my mother gave me strict instructions that I could not make an ass out of myself, and as we all know, West Coast Dance is rather shocking for those unfamiliar with it. Hence, I had to keep my dancing to a minimum. This was probably a good call, because after the ladies saw my dance moves, I'm thinking a few of the married ones would have looked into divorce when they realized what they were missing out on.

Luckily, I was able to compliment my whiskey with food as they had stations all around the room with different food on it. This was very good news as a whiskey dinner would have definitely led to West Coast Dance playing a prevalent role in the evening's festivities, so I loaded up on Crab Cakes, beef tips, and grilled salmon.

After that, it was just me and whiskey. Sure, I politely talked to others at the wedding so as not to come across as rude, but really, I didn't need them. I didn't need any human interaction. All I needed was whiskey. There were many times where I would sneak outside, and sometimes there were smokers out there to talk to, but other times, glorious times, it was just me and my fresh glass of alcohol.

Overall, my date (whiskey and Sprite) and I had a great evening, and I might just take her to the wedding reception going down in D-Port in two weeks. There's also the chance that I sneak in a case of Natural Light and make it a Naturday. Some might call me classless, and they might be right, but one thing's for sure, I wouldn't have it any other way.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody's read any good books lately, let me know, because I'm starting to run low on things that I'm actually interested in reading. Also, if you mention Harry Potter or Twilight, you will receive a low blow.