Monday, October 31, 2011

A Pessimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Optimism is for suckers. Yesterday, a positive outlook on the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes was posted on this blog. I am here to tell you that the person who wrote that is delusional, because the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are terrible. They have a zero percent chance of winning another game this year.

Listen, if you're a Hawkeyes fan, your life is terrible, and it's only going to get worse. You have a good family? You were probably adopted. You love your girlfriend? She'll dump you soon. There's good comedies on TV? They'll probably be replaced by syndicated episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory. And you'll always have Natty Light? They'll probably be bought out by some shit beer company like Sam Adams and turned into some awful tasting micro brew. And don't expect the Hawkeyes to get better, because they are so awful that they might get kicked out of the B1G to join some second-rate conference like the Big 12.

Seriously, take a look at these losses.

Iowa @ Iowa State
God hates me and my entire family. My family has attended three schools that Iowa State has played this year, and Iowa State is 3-0 against those schools, and 1-4 against everybody else.  Iowa, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech somehow can't beat these pieces of shit, but Baylor will put a hurtin' on them. But unlike Northern Iowa and Texas Tech, Iowa should have been a good football team. Now they'll be lucky to win another game this decade.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive. Are you fucking kidding me?

Iowa @ Minnesota State
Okay, with a coach like Hayden Fox having help from Luther and Dobber, yeah, Minnesota State is not going to be an easy team to beat. That's a quality loss...wait, what? You're joking, right? We lost to regular Minnesota? Haven't they been outscored like a billion to seven this season? And they won? Oh, Christ, burn down Kinnick Stadium, we no longer deserve football.

And shit doesn't get better as the season goes on.

Michigan - Expect the Hawkeyes to get Denarded.

Michigan State - That overrated piece of shit Kirk Cousins will mesmerize the Hawkeyes with his crystal blue eyes and give all the sports pundits reason to nut all over themselves with how great of a leader he is.

Purdue - They're good enough to beat Minnesota, which is more than Iowa can say.

Nebraska - This isn't going to be a rivalry, it's going to be a snuff film.

Seriously, Hawkeye fans, don't get your hopes up. This season is over. Next season is over, and after that, they will probably disband the football team to focus on their Club Lacrosse team. Life sucks.


P.S. Okay, so not even I can be completely negative. Steel Panther's album drops today. And I cannot wait for Tomorrow Night (by the way, there is nothing safe for work about this video).

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