Monday, November 3, 2014

What Does Jose Canseco's Missing Middle Finger Mean For His Career?

News of Jose Canseco shooting off his middle finger has the whole world in mourning. It took me a while to gather my thoughts. Jose is a very emotional person, but emotional people need logical people to balance them out, so instead of the emotional take of me cutting my own middle finger off to donate to Jose, I have decided to take the rational take.

What does this mean for Jose Canseco's career?

We will start with the obvious in discussing his baseball career. Jose assured the world that he could still hit 40 home runs in the major leagues if he was just given a chance. Most people openly laughed at this belief, and I was laughing too; I thought that number was way too low. Turns out other people thought it was too high. This made me think that he probably had it just right. This is the easiest one to figure out. Since he would hit 40 home runs with ten fingers, but now he only has nine fingers, he would still hit 9/10 of the home runs he predicted. So a team should definitely still sign him.
Conclusion: 36 home runs.

Jose Canseco is a published author who is known for his inventive spellings and sayings on Twitter. Now that he is typing while missing a vital finger, clearly he can't be as great as he once was, but I still believe him to be great. He's been going on a tweeting spree referring to Leila as his fiance which would imply that she is a man. Blowing off a finger can only end in one way for Jose Canseco's writing future.
Conclusion: All the misspelled words.

Mixed Martial Arts
Although Canseco's record may indicate that he has fallen short in the world of fighting, don't let these stat nerds fool you. Canseco fears no man, and if you think Jose will ever stop challenging Shaq to a fight, you have another thing coming. Obviously losing a finger will make things incredibly difficult for Jose, but don't ever count him out. Nick Newell has done incredible things while missing half of his arm. Since Jose is only missing a finger, I think I know how this story ends.
Conclusion: UFC Champion

So, yeah, I think things are going to turn out a-ok for Jose. Best of luck to him on a speedy recovery.

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