Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Things I Wish I Could Gamble On: Part 1 - Divorce

Let's face it, gambling is fun. Winning money is awesome and losing money really sucks, but it's a shame on how very few things we can gamble on. Yes, we can go to the casino, try our luck at Blackjack, Roulette, or Craps, but calling any of those things great skill is a gross overstatement. Sure, you can use some skills, but it's also a lot of luck.

The other thing that people bet on is sports. Nearly everyone gets involved in some sort of NCAA Basketball pool. Unfortunately, it's only legal in Las Vegas and Delaware. Obviously, people have turned to off-shore betting sites so they can bet online on various sporting events. It basically makes watching the games a ton more fun. Imagine watching Cleveland @ Tampa Bay this weekend, not too exciting, but imagine you having Cleveland +3 for $20. It becomes a shit-ton more exciting, and it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, like cheer for Jake Delhomme.

Still, that isn't nearly enough for people to gamble on. Think about all the things that happen in your everyday life. There are so many things that I wish I was able to gamble on. Some select college students are allowed to bet on their grades. That's fantastic, but I feel like we could really take this to the next level. Here are things I wish I could gamble on.

1. Divorce - This may seem cruel, but we all do it. Whenever I go to a wedding, I assess their chance of success. Although I usually get too drunk to do any real in-depth analysis, I still take a few mental notes on the newly married couple. I also look on our Facebook news feed and notice that so and so got married. I immediately wonder what type of pud/hog that one of my Facebook friends got married to. I quickly look it up, and I assess how long I think they will be married. On the positive side, I sometimes think that it looks like those two will probably have a successful marriage. Other times (quite often), I predict their love to fail. Now, let me say, I'm not hoping that their love fails; but in my head, I'm predicting an awful divorce. It really never goes beyond my thoughts, but imagine if I could gamble on it? Hell yes. Get some buddies involved, have people put money on both sides of the docket and let the fun begin. I think an over/under would be the best and most simple way to make the bets, but you could turn it into a pool form where everybody picks a date for divorce as well.

Not only that, but it would test people's morality. If I'm putting $20 down, with a possibility to win $100, I'm probably not going to sabotage a marriage just to win that money. But if we're putting down $100, and I could win $1000, my morality will be on a case by case basis. If I don't like the groom or bride of a certain wedding, I might secretly type up a letter (ala J-Woww and Snooki) and make sure the person finds out about their spouse's terrible deeds. The question then would become, would I do it because that person is bad and I can win money off of it, or would me winning money off of it make me see that person as bad?

I could also sabotage in an even more fun manner. Face it, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives make guys a lot less fun. They start to mature, and they are perfectly happy hanging out with their lady. I understand where they are coming from, but I do not approve of it any way, shape, or form. Imagine what an epic night you could have if you get your friend away from the ball and chain and everybody gets shit-faced. You then give him a ride home and let him pass out next to his wife...NOT. You hire a prostitute. You have her pose as just another barfly looking for a good time. She seduces him, and bam, you're $1000 richer because of the divorce, and your buddy is going to want to go on the prowl nonstop once he gets divorced to show that broad what she's missing. This is a little thing that I like to call a win-win. I might even call it a win-win-win since your buddy is free again. Sure he goes to a therapist and has already developed a serious drinking problem, but those are minor prices to pay for sexual freedom.

There is nothing that will make me think this is a bad idea.


P.S. If you are married and reading this, I totally think your marriage is going to last. People who have good taste in their reading always have good taste in their spouses. I just feel sorry for those suckers not reading this, their marriage has no shot.

P.P.S. I finally found out what hip hop is. It just took a true gangstette to help me understand: Thanks white lady.

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