Monday, September 3, 2012

I Will Not Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer

Grantland had a contest to become their fantasy football writer. They asked for the top five players this year and one sleeper. That is, quite possibly, the most boring writing concept ever. Also, anyone who claims to be a fantasy guru is a moron, especially when it comes to fantasy football where if you just manage a healthy team, you will be competitive. Even though I decided to play within the rules, much like the cast of Suits, I also managed to still play by my own rules. The following is the article that, somehow, did not lead me to the writing championship.


Becoming Grantland’s fantasy football writer has long been a dream of mine. I remember growing up last week and seeing that Grantland was having a competition for their Fantasy Football writer. I knew that it was my destiny. Well, guess what? It’s this week, and that little boy with a dream is now a 28-year-old with loads of free time, and it is time for my dream to become a reality.

Calvin Johnson – If you are looking for guaranteed points, look no further, because this guy is a fantasy stud. Do you know how tall Calvin Johnson is? Probably not. I have it on good authority that someone tried to measure him using a yardstick. They then brought out a second yardstick, and he was taller than both yardsticks combined. A yard is three feet, and since he is approximately three yards tall, that makes Calvin Johnson nine feet tall. Do you know how fast Calvin Johnson is? Of course not, because Calvin Johnson is as fast as our hands. Since the hand is faster than the eye, he is too fast for the world to ever get a proper measurement on his speed. When Usain Bolt feels a gust of wind, he fears it is just Calvin Johnson lapping him. So, yeah, good luck stopping Calvin Johnson this year.

Ricky Stanzi – Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs backup quarterback may not seem like a wise choice at first, but take a closer look, and I think you will find that he should be your top priority on draft day. Ricky Stanzi loves America.

I mean, the man really loves America.
Fantasy football has surpassed apple pie on the Most American rankings. It’s football, which is a sport that is only played in America. You create a hypothetical team that many cheer for over the team that they grew up rooting for in order to get bragging rights over their friends. This is what Abraham Lincoln envisioned after killing a vampire and signing the Declaration of Independence. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Bo Jackson – So this one is cheating a little bit. I have a football simulator called Tecmo Super Bowl. Although I have not judged the results of my simulator against real-world results, I am nearly positive that it is the most accurate simulator in the world. For the last 21 seasons, the top fantasy performer has been Bo Jackson. I do not see that changing anytime soon. As long as he remembers to zig zag to obtain optimal speed as opposed to running a straight line, I really don’t see how any team is going to be able to stop him.

Mike Ditka – His versatility is what adds so much value for Ditka. He can not only fill in in your Coach position, but he can also fill in at the role of Tight End, Analyst, or Mustache. This is the type of fantasy stud that you can build a team around. If that’s not enough, take solace in the fact that you can never go wrong with Ditka.

Josh Scobee – That’s right, a kicker. A lot of you are under the impression that kickers are worthless in fantasy leagues, but it is actually quite the opposite. Little known fact, on 98% of touchdowns, the kicker scores. It is an obscure rule known as the point after touchdown. People in the know refer to it simply as the PAT. A kicker will kick this and get a point. Only bad kickers miss these, and Josh Scobee is not a bad kicker. He will also have plenty of chances as Maurice Jones-Drew is holding out meaning that he will be well rested for the season. If that isn’t enough of a reason, Blaine Gabbert is in his second year and has already bought property in the end zone, because he plans on spending most of his Sundays there celebrating with teammates.

SLEEPER: Washington Sentinels Defense – All the attention goes to Shane Falco, but this defense deserves respect. After trailing 17-0 after the first half in their final game, they did not give up another point and won 20-17. That scoreless second half is a sign of things to come this season.

Get those guys, and you will definitely be going home with a fantasy championship this year. Also, if you are one of my friends that I am in a league with, don’t read this. I really should have put that at the top. Aw, crap.


So, yeah, I don't understand how I lost either. As a consolation prize for anyone checking this post out five years later, here is a mashup picture I made on Paint for my team Robert Kelley Kapowski:

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