Monday, September 17, 2012

The 11 Most Awesome Parts Of "Raw Deal"

Raw Deal is a movie made in 1986 that stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. This was the movie he made between Commando and Predator, my two favorite Arnold movies. I happened to come across it one day on Showtime. I watched about five minutes before deciding that I needed to get it on the DVR so I could watch it from the beginning. This turned out to be a great decision. It is not nearly as good as Commando or Predator, but it still has some awesome parts. Let's go through those. Also, for those planning on watching movies 26 year old movies, there are some spoilers in here.

1. It starts off with two guys playing Trivial Pursuit, because this is a thinking man's movie.

Guy 1: How many times was John Wayne nominated for an Academy Award?
Guy 2: Probably not enough.

And Guy 1 gave him credit for this answer in Trivial Pursuit. They were then all murdered, probably for being bad at Trivial Pursuit.

2. A villain made a guy stare in the mirror with a gun to the back of his head. Said, “So you want to be a witness, witness this.” Because he saw himself being murdered. That was totally badass.

3. Arnold is chasing a guy on a motorcylcle in his Jeep. It’s basically like Dukes of Hazzard meets Tokyo Drift, only with motorcycles. Motorcycle guy appears to get away, but Arnold knew a shortcut, and waited for him to drive by so he could set the road on fire with gasoline and his cigar. The plan works to perfection, and it is totally awesome. Let's face it, setting people on fire is always awesome.

4. Arnold’s got a nagging wife. She is only in this one scene, but it is definitely the best scene of the movie. It's probably one of the ten best scenes in cinematic history. Enjoy.

5. Some bigshot at the FBI reaches out to Arnold, because his son got killed. If Arnold completes his mission, he'll be back in the FBI. Arnold’s first order of business is obvious. He goes to a shut down power plant and basically sets off a nuclear bomb by setting that thing on fire. This seems like a pretty over-the-top of way of faking his death, but now he is free to infiltrate the mob. His drunk wife will probably be busy putting hilarious words on cakes.

6. Arnold is now slicking back his hair. He goes to a shady gambling hall looking like a high roller. He then acuses them of having a tilted craps table. He proves it, and then says, “Magic…or MAGNET!” while flipping over the table and then hauling ass on a bunch of bad guys. Somehow, nobody in an illegal gambling parlor has any guns handy. He then goes outside. The bad guys think it’s over. The bad guys are wrong. Arnold drives a tow truck straight through their building. And I do mean straight through. He goes in one side and out the other with no problems. There is no way that building was up to code.

7. Arnold goes to an exclusive, classy, gambling place and obviously just owns at the Blackjack table. I don’t know why he didn’t do this when he was a lowly sheriff, probably could have led a much happier life. He makes a ton of money, and then just hands all of his chips to the blonde sitting next to him

8. I would like to point out that there is nothing related to this scene later in the movie. It ends, and we accept what the P in Joseph P. Brenner stands for.

9. WARNING: They go to a strip club, and I’m like, wow, that broad is ugly. Then I realized they were in a crossdressing strip club, so, needless to say, I was happy I wasn’t attracted to any of the strippers. This would be a great time to trick a buddy into saying that the girl is hot, just so he isn't called a "Fagmo" for not liking strippers. That would be the mature thing to do.

10. Arnold blasts the window out of his car, and then proceeds to pop in a cassette, so he can play the Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction.” You bet your ass that he proceeds to go on a killing spree. He never even looks at his target, just points, shoots, and kills.

11. Arnold ends the movie by inspiring a cripple to walk. I’m not joking. You don't believe me? Well, let's go to the video:

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

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