Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Yo Ladies, I Have Thoughts On The Bachelor

I know what you are thinking. The Bachelor is a girl's show, not a guy's show. I admit, I thought the same thing. Then I started watching it with my SO, and I love it. There are lots of good looking women and nearly every episode they get in bikinis. That is cool stuff that guys like. I like that too, but oh man, do I love the drama, and holy shit are things heating up right now. Juan Pablo be droppin' ladies left and right and occasionally, a lady will drop him too. It's been awesome. He's down to four ladies, so let's review the important characters that are left.

Chris Harrison - He hosts the show. He does a fine job. Occasionally he'll talk to Juan Pablo. We very rarely learn anything important from these talks. Yep, that's about all there is to say about Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo - The first non-Caucasian bachelor. He's bringing in the latino market, since he's a former Venezuelan soccer player. Well, I mean, he's still Venezuelan, but he doesn't play soccer anymore. Actually, he does still play soccer, but not professionally. Oh, and he has a daughter that he loves very much but is willing to abandon for a month to be on a reality show (twice, since he also did this as a contestant on The Bachelorette). The thing about bachelors is that they are not allowed to have much personality, and he plays this part fairly well. He supports the ladies emotionally, but he also does creepy stuff like make girls get naked with him after knowing them for a week. Seriously, he made two girls get naked with him and used the excuse of saving animals. But trust me, dude, animals don't care about naked chicks. You were just being a perv. But, just so you know, most bachelors are creeps; he might be above average on the creep level, but he's not an outlier.

Clare - If you pronounce it and it rhymes with bar, you will sound like Juan Pablo. I watch this show with my wife and sister-in-law, and I like to pick a favorite during the first episode (We'll get to mine later). These idiots waited until the third episode and picked Clare. By the fourth episode, they wanted to switch their picks, because Clare is pretty terrible. She's very attractive, and she definitely finished off Juan Pablo in the ocean at 4:00 AM, but what part of her body she used will remain a mystery (my money is on shoulder blades...think about it). Outside of that, she just kind of whines a lot, because Juan Pablo regrets getting finished off in the ocean with a camera crew around. The best part of these exchanges is that Clare wants him to admit what they did, but he will only respond with "You know what we did," because he doesn't want to talk about sex with his daughter watching the show. It's awkward and glorious.

Nikki - This is the other girl that girls seem to hate. She's pretty dumb too, and Clare and her hate each other. They come across as very similar. Seriously, just take out the sex in the ocean and replace it with...has really blonde hair and you have Nikki. There doesn't appear to be much going on between the ears with this one, but again, very attractive.

Renee - This is who the girls all cheer for. She has a kid as well, so she will also likely not be in the running for parent of the year. Seriously, how do people make this decision? I'm going to abandon my kid for a month and probably lose my job, because I can't imagine employers are psyched to have people go on a reality show and skip all of their actual responsibilities. But, honestly, Renee comes across as the best person on this show. She is nice to everybody. She consoles all the girls when they are being idiots, and overall just hasn't done anything wrong throughout this entire show. Still, she has no chance of winning. Renee is objectively a very attractive woman, but when it comes to the ladies of The Bachelor, she's in a distant fourth place. In a real-life scenario, she is a far better catch than Nikki or Clare, but since all these people are doing is drinking and taking exotic vacations, personality is not going to make up the difference. I'm sorry, Renee.

Andi - Oh, be still my beating heart. Andi was my pick from the very first episode. I straight up love women in power, and she's an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta. I saw her walking with a purpose, and my only thought was "Yep." You know how married couples have people they can cheat on their spouse with guilt-free. Mine are Bachelor contestants. I'm a realist. I'm not going to be running into celebrities anytime soon, and unless they really like pro wrestling or scouting football prospects, we're probably not going to have much in common. But these are normal chicks, and Andi, ooh girl, we could have a good time. That I promise. I'm already imagining our foreplay of breaking down episodes of Suits. I get hot just thinking about it.

What does she bring to the table besides being a law-lady? Well, she's super attractive, and she comes across as a real person. Remember how I told you about how Juan Pablo made two ladies get naked with him? One of them was a hippy who had already been naked for most of the show, and the other was Andi. She was pissed off, because it was pretty shady, but she still did it because she's a trooper and loves puppies. I'm still pretty steamed at JP for doing this to my special lady (well, special lady may be a bit extreme. I mean, I am married. She's more of a theoretical slampiece, but she's still very important to me). She's basically avoided the drama, seems to have a solid head on her shoulder and we also learned that she can't dance. That girl is stiff as a board. Luckily, West Coast Dance brings out the best in all ladies, so I got you covered, Andi Candy (that's a nickname I'm workshopping right now).

So that brings me to the previews for next week, which can be found here. It's only two minutes, so I'll wait.

Okay, so if you watched it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, all you need to know is my girl Andi said, "Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite."

Which was followed by Chris Harrison saying, "What happens in the fantasy suite doesn't stay in the fantasy suite...what went horribly wrong?"

What do you think Juan Pablo did? My guess is that he tried to pull a Kobe Bryant, and she had to fight him off. My much more realistic guess is that he called her another woman's name in the fantasy suite. Either way, I can't wait to find out.

So, yeah, as you can tell, I have thought on The Bachelor.


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