A Guy's Thoughts On The Bachelor: Season 19

I am a guy. I have all of the necessary parts to prove it, and not only am I a guy by sex, but also by gender. I identify as a guy. Also, I watch The Bachelor. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy The Bachelor. These facts make me the quintessential source on everything that happened on this season. I have thoughts, oh, I have so many thoughts on The Bachelor. I have been keeping them inside, but these thoughts are bubbling up, and they are about to explode all over this blog.

The Bachelor
A lot of people think Chris is boring and stupid. Let me assure you that if you knew nothing about Chris but what you saw on this show, you could even feel quite confident in calling him boring and stupid. As a connoisseur of The Bachelor, I can assure you that Chris may be the smartest Bachelor in history (this may not be saying much). Chris played the game perfectly. Now, as The Bachelor, he shouldn't have to play a game; all the ladies are there for him. But he wasn't playing a game for love, he was playing a game for public approval, and he obtained an incredibly high approval rating with viewers by just not messing up.

Sure, it's cool to make out with all the ladies, but where he truly excelled was in his order of eliminations. This man never eliminated a woman who did something interesting. Let's take a look back.

Get so wasted you can barely stand the first night?
Stick around, he doesn't want to offend any alcoholics.

You randomly do crazy shit and can't tell the difference between a pomegranate and an onion?
Maybe in another week, you'll learn, so he can't kick you out on the streets without fruit smarts.

You've already been so wasted that you had to be eliminated, but now you want to come back?
Sure, everybody deserves a second chance.

Have a child?
Have a rose and leave that child alone in the apartment for another week. If a cat can survive being left alone for weeks, so can a baby.

You resemble a Kardashian and tell him you're a virgin?
You just bought yourself an extra week.

Your husband died?
That's an amazing story. Have a rose to cheer you up.

You don't shower?
How about you get showered in cheers at a Big and Rich concert.

Oh, another virgin?
I guess you get to make the final two instead of the precious flower that is Kaitlyn.

Literally, any girl who stood out got to stick around for at least another week. Chris was the least offensive Bachelor in history, and that takes incredible self-control. Everybody seems to love the farmer from Iowa, but Iowa people are better than other people, so I can't say I'm surprised.

The Ladies
But we need to talk about the ladies. First off, there is Alissa, Amanda, Amber, Bo, Brittany, Jordan, Juelia, Kara, Kimberly, Mackenzie, Michelle, Nicole, Nikki, Reegan, Samantha, Tandra, Tara, Tracy, and Trina. Although some of these women had some moments, none of them are worth revisiting. Let's talk about the essential ladies from the show.

Although she only lasted a few weeks, there are few Bachelor contestants that made as much of an impact as Ashley S. She was given the task of shooting zombies, but she wanted to shoot the other ladies. That's just smart. Then she showed she was fearless by walking into the fog towards the zombies, as she believed in the power of love. She's an insane person, and I am really happy that Chris Harrison demanded that she participate in the weird Bachelor stepchildren shows to keep her in my life. She is crazy...crazy awesome. Ashley S, you get it, girl.

The battle between Ashley I. and Kelsey was one I could do without. A lot of people thought Kelsey was the worse person in this situation, but it was definitely Ashley I. Ashley I. was not entertaining. She just existed and cried. Anybody can cry, but it takes something special to have Kelsey's story. Her story is amazing, and her lack of self-awareness is even more amazing. Did I have my doubts that she ever had a husband? Yes, yes I did. Did I look it up on the internet to make sure she had one? Yes, yes I did. I had to. There was something so off with her. Something so inhuman that there was no way that everything about her was real. But it was all real. She's a total sociopath. I hope she finds love with Juan Pablo.

Apparently, there was a girl named Megan who lasted until Week 7. She looks vaguely familiar, but I have zero memories of her. Just thought I should bring that up.

Carly kept it real. She knew she was going home, so she used her last moments to bury Britt. I was shocked that she was getting booed at the Women Tell All reunion. She had a good sense of humor and seemed like a pretty cool chick. I think she got a raw deal with how people reacted, and I want you to know, Carly, I got your back.

Speaking of having Carly's back, this brings me to Jillian who didn't last that long, but she was THE WORST person ever during the Women Tell All. She just kept butting in on things. And yes, if Carly said she had a dick, that's a shitty thing to say to a buff chick like Jillian (or really any lady in general), but your weird protective nature of Britt made everyone uncomfortable, and I would have way rather watched you do box squats.

Jade was the only woman to drop a bombshell and not move on. Being a drunk is cool, lack of cleanliness is also cool, but posing naked early on in life is not cool. I have a buddy who was all about Jade, and I get it. She's attractive in that "Could be in Playboy but is made for Penthouse" sort of way, but I would have liked to see more of her wildside, which I was able to when I Googled images of her.

The Important Ladies
I'm not saying the other ladies weren't important, but when you look at this season, these four ladies held the most prominent roles. Let's start with the champ.

Was Whitney the right pick? Yes, I think Chris did a good job. She seems like a very nice person, was all about moving to Iowa, and her last name is Bischoff. That's a triple threat, and you just know that her uncle Eric played a part in pushing Chris towards making the right decision. I'm not saying the threat of an Elimination Chamber was brought up, but I'm also not saying it wasn't. Also, I would be quick with your vows if I were you Chris. Don't make them go on too long, especially not three minutes too long.

Becca was very interesting in that she was clearly gunning for The Bachelorette. She did everything to disqualify herself from being selected in the final episodes. When she got dumped, you could see it in her eyes that she was telling herself to look sad, but was plotting what dates she would plan when she had a season all to herself. Now, obviously, her strategy did not lead to her becoming The Bachelorette(s), but honestly, it was a great strategy. She is an attractive woman who has the whole virgin thing going for her for added intrigue, so on paper, she would have made an excellent candidate to be the next Bachelorette. Unfortunately, she underestimated one area. She is completely uninteresting. What do I know about Becca outside of her being a virgin? She currently lives in San Diego, and the only reason I remember that is I thought it was crazy for anyone who lives in San Diego to move to Iowa. She also knew it was crazy, so good for her. Unfortunately, she will drift from everyone's memory and fade away, but still, I want to give her props for her strategy as it's that kind of forward thinking that will get you ahead in this world.

There may be some extra sting for Becca considering the next season of The Bachelorette(s).

So, yeah, there are two Bachelorettes for next season. Britt and Kaitlyn will be sharing the honor. I know the audience is like 90% female, so ladies, why did you like Britt? I mean, yeah, as a guy, I get it. She's very attractive and seems like she would be a pleaser when it comes to the hibbity dibbity. But these shows are rightfully geared towards women, and the women in the audience seemed to really like Britt. Is it just that she cries a lot? Because I get it, sympathy is nice, but man, she broke a lot of the unwritten rules of The Bachelor, and women are like baseball players when it comes to the sanctity of the unwritten rules. But Britt got a pass and became one half of The Bachelorette.

As for the other half of The Bachelorette, I am very happy that there will be more Kaitlyn in my life. I was Team Kaitlyn from the very first episode, and I stayed true the entire time. She is wonderful. Now, Kaitlyn may not be the most traditionally pretty girl that was on this season, but I'm past the point where I need traditionally pretty, because that shit's boring. Kaitlyn has charisma; she has the "It" factor, and that made me far more attracted to her than any other girl on this season.

From beginning to end, Kaitlyn kept it real. She kept things lighthearted early on, and she put up walls to protect her heart. When she finally let those walls down, she was hurt, and I can never fully forgive Chris for hurting this precious angel. But him hurting her has led her to become a Bachelorette, so I can't be all that mad.

But about that decision. The Bachelor/ette people were really counting on it being even applause for both of those girls, but it was about ten times louder for my girl Kaitlyn. She clearly should have been the single Bachelorette, but this problem will probably take care of itself when every guy on the first episode goes for Kaitlyn, and Britt has to hitch-hike her way home.

Maybe it's her dance moves, maybe it's her explicit raps, and maybe I just have a weird thing for Canadians, but I'm #TeamKaitlyn all the way. 

Suits Power Rankings - Moot Point

In what I believe to be an unprecedented set of events, Harvey has not been in the top spot in the first two weeks of this season. Can he regain his mojo? Or are these new lawyers to much for an old favorite. I don't have time to look at the past, it's time to focus on the present, which since this is late, is basically still the past, but still, onto this week's rankings.

1. Dana Scott - Let's just break down everything that Scotty did this episode.
1. New senior partner, and she owns Louis for being late.
2. She is breaking into people's computers to ruin Louis's life.
3. She's also so hot and making fun of "Litt Up" on Facebook. She only gets a half point for that, because that's more of a Twitter joke. Maybe she could have even SnapChatted something hilarious.
4. She uses Harvey's same speech that he gave to Louis on him because she is basically female Harvey, except better since she is wonderful, and special, and beautiful, and just perfect. Oh, man, haven't had this big of a crush on a fictional character since the Pink Power Ranger. I know I shouldn't be admitting this, but I am seriously thinking about writing Fan Fiction about Dana Scott and Andi from The Bachelor.

2. Archibald Elliott Stemple - The one man who haunts Harvey, because he destroyed him in college and then never let him get his revenge. He will lie about absolutely everything. He's a total scumbag, and that's what makes him so good at his job. He sets up Harvey and uses Muhammad Ali's rope-a-dope against him. He is basically the most despicable character ever in just one episode. He's got all of the evil of HARDMAN with none of the charm. Still, he loses the case because of Mike, but had he just gone up against Harvey, he would have won. I hate this guy so much (I also really hated him on Mad Men), but god damn, he's one hell of a lawyer, and that's what these rankings are all about. I want him to go one-on-one with everyone at Pearson Specter, just so I can be aggravated and fascinated all at the same time.

3. Marsha Myers - She played tennis like I play tennis, where she is kind of terrible but runs everything down and puts it in. I have aggravated so many people by playing that way. She sounds wonderful.

4. Harvey Specter - Harvey hates Stemple, but he knows that although he may look meek, there is a tiger roaring inside of him. We found out that the one thing that you should never do is use a Muhammad Ali photoshop against him. But this was 15 years ago, Stemple was probably using MS Paint to do it, and it looked awful. Still, it burns him up inside. Stemple was staying ahead of him, but Mike helps him get the win. Then Harvey makes the terrible mistake of betraying Scotty as a name partner instead of being honest with her as her boyfriend. This means Harvey cares more about Mike than Scotty, and that is probably the most terrible decision in the history of the world.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets Harvey the opponent that he has wanted for 15 years, but even though he uncovers what Stemple was after, he will never get the credit for it. Mike must stay out of the spotlight forever. Since he will always be second fiddle at best and sometimes no fiddle at all, it really hurts him this week. Sure he's got some great lawyering, but I need my lawyers to be superstars.

6. Donna Paulsen - Donna always knows the best gifts for everyone, so she gives Mike the idea that spawns the whole episode. She also tried to influence Louis to make the right decision when it came to Scotty, but she failed on that mission. In the end, she's sprinkles, nice to have around but not a necessity.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis wants to bring the hammer down on Scotty. He tries to play nice by giving her a fancy scarf, but she still wasn't having any of it. Louis's big issue is that he suspects that nobody is actually a friend. Because of that belief, he would rather get what he wants as a partner than as a friend from Harvey. Louis is destined for two things: Success and loneliness. You can't have it all, Moby Dick.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica was 38-3 in tennis, but she could never beat one girl. Instead of strategizing a way to beat this girl, she just gave up and wants Harvey to do the same. Then she gets punked out by Mike and maybe finally realizes that if she just would have charged the net, she probably could have beaten her.

9. Katrina Bennett - Katrina got fooled by a note. Then made a stupid face about it. Not her best week.

10. Rachel Zane - She decorated the whole place while Mike was gone. That was nice, but it also really bothered me because she was wearing like 4 inch heels when Mike came home. Why would she put herself through that pain? Wear sneakers or go barefoot. No wonder you can't get into Harvard. 

Juan Pablo Is Clearly A Sociopath

Did you see The Bachelor last night? If you didn't, you should do that right now. I'll wait...okay. OMG, right? Andi made it to the last three and eliminated herself, because she realized that Juan Pablo didn't give a shit about her. This was one of the all-time great episodes of The Bachelor, as it was a fascinating look into personalities and how they can conflict. I've been on #TeamAndi since the first episode, so I would be on her side no matter what happened, but it's pretty clear that Juan Pablo is a sociopath, more specifically, he's Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We'll get to that later; let's start with my precious Andi.

Andi wanted to fall in love. That's why she was on this show. And she had some great times where it felt magical, because she got to go on ridiculously expensive trips and have dream dates all the time. Unfortunately, they used the fantasy suite to talk, and Juan Pablo only talked about himself and didn't show any concern for what type of person Andi is. He said he thought it was a great night (we'll dive into that more later), but Andi had one of the worst nights of her life. Because of that, she decided to talk more to tell him that he doesn't feel that he cares about her, which seems likely since he said that she was only there by default (Juan Pablo claimed that he didn't use the word default, but he also said that homosexuality was perverted, and I'm guessing he would deny using that word had it not been recorded). But Juan Pablo tried to be nice and say that it was okay that she was leaving. This angered Andi, and she kept badgering him. Was this the best move? No, it was not, but she had felt something for Juan Pablo before that, and she wanted him to show some sort of emotion. Juan Pablo did not give her the satisfaction, and she went in the limo and said she was still looking for true love. ABC, if she is not the next Bachelorette, I will be a one man riot.

Now onto Juan Pablo and why he is a sociopath. Juan Pablo has been very image conscience this entire show. I really feel that nearly every elimination has been calculated and not in the sense of love, but more in the sense of public perception. I could write a whole article about the order of women being eliminated from the show, but I'm not going to unless there is public demand for it. Still, last night was the definition of sociopathic behavior. I can tell, because I am like 90% sociopath (I control my emotions, but my wife has gotten through my hard exterior to make me more of a human being). The easiest way to sum up Juan Pablo's behavior is that he wasn't a human being, he was someone pretending to be a human being. A human being shows empathy, and when they make someone feel like shit, they feel remorse; instead, he told Andi it was okay and tried to put the blame on her. This obviously angered Andi, and the fact that he was a stone cold when it came to emotions definitely drove her a little crazy. He gave her absolutely nothing. And this, from a man, who has cried after eliminating like the last 8 girls, didn't give even a sniffle for Andi. In the acts of sociopaths, that was a work of art. I was impressed, because Juan Pablo basically showed that he's Dennis Reynolds.


And even after she had left, he said that he would not have let her stay even if she had wanted to. This is A+ work, because he is still trying to make it appear as if he was the one who dumped her. This is a total power play from him, and power is incredibly important to him. He doesn't want arguments in his life. This man is looking for a submissive wife, and his remaining two contestants fit that profile. Clearly, Nikki wins, because she met his daughter, so at that point, she was already the winner of the show. She's basically just a younger version of Clare with a better job, so yeah, Clare has no shot.

I am left with one question. Did Andi and Juan Pablo have sex? It's a fascinating question from both ends. Juan Pablo thought they had a great night, and if you are in a fantasy suite with no sex, that is not going to equal a great night. Replace boat with fantasy suite in this video, and you basically have Juan Pablo.


Andi said she hated the night, because of the talk, which would imply that they did not have sex. Still, they could have gone right back to the room, had sex, and then started to just hang out. Still, I'm leaning towards them not having sex. Since Juan Pablo is a sociopath, I believe it was a calculated move to talk about how great a night they had talking, when in fact, he was going to eliminate Andi for not giving up the nookie. He can't come out and say it wasn't a great night, because they didn't have sex, because that would set a bad example for his daughter, and the general public wouldn't like him as much. In the end, everything he does is part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

Yo Ladies, I Have Thoughts On The Bachelor

I know what you are thinking. The Bachelor is a girl's show, not a guy's show. I admit, I thought the same thing. Then I started watching it with my SO, and I love it. There are lots of good looking women and nearly every episode they get in bikinis. That is cool stuff that guys like. I like that too, but oh man, do I love the drama, and holy shit are things heating up right now. Juan Pablo be droppin' ladies left and right and occasionally, a lady will drop him too. It's been awesome. He's down to four ladies, so let's review the important characters that are left.

Chris Harrison - He hosts the show. He does a fine job. Occasionally he'll talk to Juan Pablo. We very rarely learn anything important from these talks. Yep, that's about all there is to say about Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo - The first non-Caucasian bachelor. He's bringing in the latino market, since he's a former Venezuelan soccer player. Well, I mean, he's still Venezuelan, but he doesn't play soccer anymore. Actually, he does still play soccer, but not professionally. Oh, and he has a daughter that he loves very much but is willing to abandon for a month to be on a reality show (twice, since he also did this as a contestant on The Bachelorette). The thing about bachelors is that they are not allowed to have much personality, and he plays this part fairly well. He supports the ladies emotionally, but he also does creepy stuff like make girls get naked with him after knowing them for a week. Seriously, he made two girls get naked with him and used the excuse of saving animals. But trust me, dude, animals don't care about naked chicks. You were just being a perv. But, just so you know, most bachelors are creeps; he might be above average on the creep level, but he's not an outlier.

Clare - If you pronounce it and it rhymes with bar, you will sound like Juan Pablo. I watch this show with my wife and sister-in-law, and I like to pick a favorite during the first episode (We'll get to mine later). These idiots waited until the third episode and picked Clare. By the fourth episode, they wanted to switch their picks, because Clare is pretty terrible. She's very attractive, and she definitely finished off Juan Pablo in the ocean at 4:00 AM, but what part of her body she used will remain a mystery (my money is on shoulder blades...think about it). Outside of that, she just kind of whines a lot, because Juan Pablo regrets getting finished off in the ocean with a camera crew around. The best part of these exchanges is that Clare wants him to admit what they did, but he will only respond with "You know what we did," because he doesn't want to talk about sex with his daughter watching the show. It's awkward and glorious.

Nikki - This is the other girl that girls seem to hate. She's pretty dumb too, and Clare and her hate each other. They come across as very similar. Seriously, just take out the sex in the ocean and replace it with...has really blonde hair and you have Nikki. There doesn't appear to be much going on between the ears with this one, but again, very attractive.

Renee - This is who the girls all cheer for. She has a kid as well, so she will also likely not be in the running for parent of the year. Seriously, how do people make this decision? I'm going to abandon my kid for a month and probably lose my job, because I can't imagine employers are psyched to have people go on a reality show and skip all of their actual responsibilities. But, honestly, Renee comes across as the best person on this show. She is nice to everybody. She consoles all the girls when they are being idiots, and overall just hasn't done anything wrong throughout this entire show. Still, she has no chance of winning. Renee is objectively a very attractive woman, but when it comes to the ladies of The Bachelor, she's in a distant fourth place. In a real-life scenario, she is a far better catch than Nikki or Clare, but since all these people are doing is drinking and taking exotic vacations, personality is not going to make up the difference. I'm sorry, Renee.

Andi - Oh, be still my beating heart. Andi was my pick from the very first episode. I straight up love women in power, and she's an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta. I saw her walking with a purpose, and my only thought was "Yep." You know how married couples have people they can cheat on their spouse with guilt-free. Mine are Bachelor contestants. I'm a realist. I'm not going to be running into celebrities anytime soon, and unless they really like pro wrestling or scouting football prospects, we're probably not going to have much in common. But these are normal chicks, and Andi, ooh girl, we could have a good time. That I promise. I'm already imagining our foreplay of breaking down episodes of Suits. I get hot just thinking about it.

What does she bring to the table besides being a law-lady? Well, she's super attractive, and she comes across as a real person. Remember how I told you about how Juan Pablo made two ladies get naked with him? One of them was a hippy who had already been naked for most of the show, and the other was Andi. She was pissed off, because it was pretty shady, but she still did it because she's a trooper and loves puppies. I'm still pretty steamed at JP for doing this to my special lady (well, special lady may be a bit extreme. I mean, I am married. She's more of a theoretical slampiece, but she's still very important to me). She's basically avoided the drama, seems to have a solid head on her shoulder and we also learned that she can't dance. That girl is stiff as a board. Luckily, West Coast Dance brings out the best in all ladies, so I got you covered, Andi Candy (that's a nickname I'm workshopping right now).

So that brings me to the previews for next week, which can be found here. It's only two minutes, so I'll wait.

Okay, so if you watched it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, all you need to know is my girl Andi said, "Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite."

Which was followed by Chris Harrison saying, "What happens in the fantasy suite doesn't stay in the fantasy suite...what went horribly wrong?"

What do you think Juan Pablo did? My guess is that he tried to pull a Kobe Bryant, and she had to fight him off. My much more realistic guess is that he called her another woman's name in the fantasy suite. Either way, I can't wait to find out.

So, yeah, as you can tell, I have thought on The Bachelor.