Thursday, January 14, 2016

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kali Muscle's "FLEXIN" Video

Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video. 

There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?
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Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.

And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.
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And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in. 
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That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." 

Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.
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I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.

Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.

But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.
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Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.
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I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.

But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.
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He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother. 

And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.


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