XFALpha Podcast Notes - Episode 5

This is part two of Jonah's special interview with former Vikings Punter, Chris Kluwe where there is more of a focus on Kluwe's post-football life. I'm not on this episode at all, but I definitely told Jonah to ask him if a punter's flexibility helps him with the ladies. Just hearing the nervousness of Jonah as he really didn't want to offend Kluwe makes this one worth a listen. Below are the links:

DOWNLOAD HERE:

iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/xfalpha/id1488879567

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6KqGIlGiXh68RpL0uEHTBu

Reach out to us at the following places:

Email: xfalphapod@gmail.com 

Twitter:  @XFAlphaPod

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/XFAlphapod/?ref=py_c

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/xfalpha/

Dirty Signs with Kristin Is The Best Thing On YouTube

With Logan Paul filming dead bodies and Pewdie Pie doing something racist, I think, YouTube personalities have taken a hit lately. Since I am old and uncool, I have never gone down that wormhole of weird YouTube personalities, but it's understandable that people are taking advantage of a new medium to gain fame. And any time that this many people are going out and putting out original content, eventually a star will be born. Well, folks, I have recently found that star, and she deserves all of the YouTube money.

It all started when Steel Panther tweeted out a link. If it was good enough for Steel Panther, then surely, it was good enough for me. But it wasn't good enough for me, it was actually too great for me, and that is why I need to share Dirty Signs with Kristin with the world.


Not only is this entertaining, it's educational as well. I have never had the urge to learn sign language, but you best believe that I am learning all of the dirty phrases that Kristin has decided to teach. I can learn helpful phrases, like the Valentine's favorite of asking someone to toss my salad.


Or less catchy phrases, like "I want to tongue punch your fart box."


The great news is that no matter what the situation, I'll be prepared thanks to Kristin's videos.

Somehow, these videos only are in the hundred thousand page views. These videos should be in the hundred millions for views as it should be required course work for any high schooler. Sometimes, the internet lets us down, but sometimes, it helps us discover something beautiful. Dirty Signs with Kristin, thank you for your service.

Counterpoint: Five-Star Hotels Are Pretty Great

Last week, I talked about how five-star hotels are overrated. They're really expensive, and there's nothing that great that really stands out about them from a regular hotel that normal people stay at. I mean, all a hotel really comes down to is a bed and a shower with decent water pressure. As I said last week, there is no way it's worth hundreds of dollars extra a night.

Okay, so maybe there is a way. I stayed at a Ritz-Carlton this past weekend for work, and I've got to say, these people know what they are doing. Their staff was on point the entire time, and everything ran incredibly smooth throughout my entire stay. Since I work in events, I got to take full advantage of their top-notch customer service.

I was talking with one guy, and he asked if we needed anything. Since I'm easy to please, I couldn't think of anything as everything had pretty much gone as planned. He then asked again, and I assured him I didn't need anything. Since I am a slow person, he asked yet again, this time putting more emphasis on the word, "anything."

It was clear that this was not just an extra mint on the pillow. This was anything. It was at this point that I finally understood the appeal of a five-star hotel. I mean, different area codes, different rules, right? I mean, I'm a drug-free married guy, but I'm out of town, and what happens at the Ritz, stays at the Ritz. My mind began racing. What should I ask for first? Hookers? Cocaine? Either way, you know you're getting primo stuff. Like, no worries that your cocaine is going to be laced with meth if you're getting it through a Five-star hotel. And hookers, I mean, not only are they disease free, having sex with hookers this classy might actually cure chlamydia.

So, after much deliberation, I finally decided to tell him to get me...

Nothing. I'm still a simple dude who doesn't need much. At least other people I was with got sodas, but I literally had nothing that I wanted. Five-star hotels still aren't for me, but I now at least understand the appeal.

Steel Panther Is The Only Concert You Need To See

I'm not a big concert guy. Outside of a deal at the fair in my hometown where you can go to six concerts for $40, I'm not sure if I've been to more than a handful of concerts, and two of those concerts were Weird Al and Wesley Willis. So, yeah, I'm not a concert guy. There's not many concerts that I would even want to see, but at the top of that list was Steel Panther, and good god, it was amazing.

First off, I guess I should let you know who Steel Panther is. They're the greatest rock group ever. In their simplest form, they are an 80s Hair Metal Band, just in present time. And you know how every 80s hair metal song was about sex, but they used innuendos? Steel Panther does the opposite in that they explain sex in the most gratuitous way possible. Seriously, one of their cleanest songs is called, "It Won't Suck Itself," because it's about getting bit by a snake and needing help getting the venom out. There are only two types of people in this world, people who have never heard of Steel Panther, and people who absolutely love Steel Panther. If you're not already, become a part of the latter group today.

Now I must admit that I am not somebody who gets excited in anticipation of things happening. Like, I'm heading to a wedding this weekend where my wife and I will see old friends, and it should be a good time. To my wife's disappointment, I can never say I'm excited by this. I know it'll be a good time, but the good time isn't here yet, and it's not something that I am building up in my head due to anticipation. I'm not filled with anticipation, so I don't get excited about these future events.

Steel Panther was the opposite of that.

Two weeks before the concert, I would just start thinking about it. I would be at work, listening to the songs and mouthing some of the dirtiest shit imaginable about gangbangs, Asians, and something that happens in adult films that rhymes with Moo Hockey, and I could feel it in my core, that excitement building. When we got to the week out mark, and I only listened to Steel Panther, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I knew Steel Panther would rock, and I was going to rock with them. There was no way it wouldn't be totally sweet.

Spoiler alert: It was totally sweet.

We got the opportunity to see Steel Panther at an ourdoor venue in downtown St. Petersburg on basically a perfect night with the night temperatures just dipping into the 70s. The venue was perfect for us as it was outdoors and probably had room for 1000 people. Beyonce played at Raymond James Stadium the night before, and I guarantee that her concert wasn't half the experience that Steel Panther provided.

Some dude opened up with his band and played for about a half hour. Finally, he said, "Alright, we got one more song (looks to his right)...wait, no more songs? Alright, we're done. Thank you, St. Petersburg!" The lesson is that you don't tell Steel Panther when you're done. They tell you when you're done.

After some set up, Steel Panther came on stage, and instantly rocked my ass off. They opened with "Eyes of a Panther," and it was on from there. Obviously, with songs like "Party Like Tomorrow Is The End of the World," "Death to All But Metal," and "Community Property," the show was obviously going to rock harder than anything that anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't just rely on how awesome their songs were. They put on a damn show.

For "Asian Hooker," they brought up an Asian girl and had choreography in the performance. For "Girl From Oklahoma," they brought up a random fan to serenade, and for "17 Girls in a Row," they brought up a bunch of girls and encouraged everyone to flash the audience (although only a few took them up on that offer).

And they took some breaks between songs to just have some fun banter. Now, explaining the banter would not be funny, as it was all sophomoric humor at best, but I was still laughing my face off at every goofy one liner. That's the thing with Steel Panther, you're there for a good time. You already like the guys in the band, so you'll find everything they say more charming and witty than you would a random stranger. It's the same way that priests get laughs at church. A priest has never said anything funny in the history of organized religion, but they always get those laughs from the congregation, because the congregation wants to like them. Steel Panther is like that, only like 100 billion times more awesome.

Steel Panther rocks harder than any band that has ever rocked. They make Guns N' Roses look like Winger. On top of this, they are ultimate showmen who entertain just as hard as they rock. I know what you're thinking, and I don't know how they're not the most popular band in the world either. But seriously, take advantage while you can see them with hundreds of like-minded people, because it is the only concert that you need to see.

The Greatest Post That Never Was

I have a draft in my folder that has no title, but it contains a quote that I overheard. That's the only thing I really know, because I faintly remember hearing it, and I put quotations around it. I put in no context, so I have no idea where I heard it, or who the person who said it was, although I suspect that she was a female. It's a magical quote, so I'd still like to do my best to salvage what happened here and share it with the world. Without further adieu:

He was a sweet boy, but I need some mayonnaise. I'm a hot grandma.

Where do you go from here? "He was a sweet boy," seems like a friendly way to start any sentence. I have been called a sweet boy before, and it was endearing.

But then things take an ominous turn. "But I need some mayonnaise." I shutter every time I read that sentence. It could mean a variety of things, like maybe the boy liked sweets, hence he was a sweet boy, while her snacks included the use of mayonnaise, but we all know that's not it. We all know that this is sexual, and still mayonnaise could mean a variety of things. you could go with the obvious and say that mayonnaise is a euphemism for ejaculate, but I'm not totally on board with that. Instead, I think she's saying that this sweet boy was all stroke but no poke.

What really brings things together is that final sentence, "I'm a hot grandma." This is where I wish I had more notes. Was she a hot grandma? I don't know. But I do know that hot grandmas need some mayonnaise, and sweet boys just can't give it to them.

Unfortunately, that's all I know. You've heard of people turning coal into diamonds. Well, I did the opposite, I had a true diamond of a quote, but I let it sit, and it turned into a lump of coal. My only goal is that I salvaged this enough to be a cubic zirconia; it may not be a diamond, but it can fool the untrained eye.

I Have No Idea Who To Hug

I am 31-years-old, and I still have no idea what to do in most social situations. I usually do fairly well despite not truly knowing what I'm doing. But if there is one situation where I am a bumbling buffoon, it is how to greet and say goodbye to people. Basically, I have no idea who to hug.

There are some simple situations. If I don't know a dude, bam, handshake, nothing more, nothing less. It is probably my favorite interaction simply because I actually know what to do. 

Then there are the males you are close to in your life. My Dad is the only male that I can guarantee gets a full hug from me. Some good friends get a full hug, and some only get a bro hug. Where is that line crossed? Shit, I have no clue, and this can lead to my first awkward interaction. If I go for a bro hug, and he goes for a full hug, I could seem like I do not value the friendship enough, and it is much more that I am too awkward to figure out how to interact with people. But seriously, thank god for the bro hug for giving me something between a hug and handshake, because there really needed to be that middle ground. Still, interactions with the fellas rarely end in disaster.

Now, much like all of my interactions with the opposite sex, there is always a chance of it ending in disaster. Who do I hug without coming across as a pervert? This is a question that has plagued mankind for generations. 

With people from work, it always starts with handshakes, but eventually, you do develop a friendly relationship, and what is the point where you give a female coworker a hug for special situations (obviously, you don't give handshakes and hugs to people you see very day; that would be exhausting). I have no idea where this line is crossed. The President of where I currently work went to give me a hug at our Christmas party, but I had already gone for the handshake, and it ended up with me believing I would be fired by the end of the day. I went out of my way to give her a hug later and probably saved my job at the process.

With female friends and acquaintances, it is almost too complicated to fully comprehend. At what point do ladies go from a handshake to a hug? Like, if I am meeting an acquaintance's significant other, I can only greet with a handshake, but after conversing with them, do I end with a hug? And how good of a friend does my buddy need to be for me to greet his lady with a hug despite never meeting her before? Are they going to think I'm a pervert? I really don't want to be labeled a pervert, but I also don't want to be the weirdo who only shakes ladies' hands. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I'm really hoping that I'm not the only person who struggles with this. Maybe we could start a support group and figure this shit out together. Oh God, I just realized how big of a loser I am, because I basically want to create The Game, but instead of having sex with women, it's just to figure out handshakes and hugs. Thank God I'm already married, because I am not a catch.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kali Muscle's "FLEXIN" Video

Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video. 

There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?

Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.

And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.

And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in. 

That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." 

Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.

I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.

Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.

But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.

Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.

I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.

But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.

He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother. 

And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Weird Sex Lives

Since there were children staying with us a couple weeks ago, I got to learn about a few things that I would not have regularly been exposed to. The most prominent of these things is the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's actually got some decent storylines, and I do like the intro music. There's just one problem: The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon TOTALLY promotes bestiality (and other weird stuff too).

The very first episode they establish that mutant turtle-human relations should be as sexy as possible as Donatello immediately develops a huge crush on a teenage April O'Neil. This is what Donatello is willing to go to prison for (And yeah, if a mutant turtle has sex with a teenage girl, I will 100% guarantee that he is going to prison).

OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH! If you like gingers with skinny knees and extreme cankles, then this is the gal for you.

As bad as mutant turtle-human relations are, at least they are both good people who are fighting for the same cause. Leonardo wants to fuck Shredder's daughter.

The question becomes whether she is goth, emo, or a vamp kid. Leonardo is the leader of the turtles, so he should at least try to pursue a cheerleader, or I don't know, maybe he should go for an actual turtle, although I guess that would be weird too.

Then we move onto Raphael who is asexual, as he only gets a boner for violence. You know those weird porno movies where it's not even about sex, it's more just about demeaning someone...wait, you don't? Uh, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if these existed, this is what Raphael would be into. He'd make Two Girls One Cup look like The Lego Movie.

Michaelangelo is clearly into some weird shit as well, as he doesn't love pizza, he is IN love with pizza. He is also IN love with video games and probably a lot of other inanimate objects. Luckily, they gave him the brain of a 3-year-old, so he probably just gets out his sexual aggression by awkwardly tugging at his dick.

As for Splinter, he was just an old dude who got into the ooze, and then somehow turned into a rat, because one was nearby? I'm guessing they were going for a situation like the movie The Fly, but from what they showed, it didn't look like the rat even got in the ooze. It was weird. But that brings up an interesting point. What should Splinter have sex with? He definitely has the most right to try to have sex with human women, although I don't think he should be competing with his proteges for teenage girls. I mean, he definitely shouldn't be banging rats, but I don't know why else he would live in the sewer when he could just frequent Furry Conventions.

Holy shit. That's perfect. They should all become Furries, because honestly, that would be less weird than what they are currently doing. 

In the world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Furries is the new normal.

The Trivago Guy Would Like To Have Sex With You

This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I'm guessing that this has been on your mind as well, as how the hell can you not think about the Trivago guy? He wants what is best for you, for you to get the best hotel deal around, but does anyone think that this man has no ulterior motives? I mean, come on, the Trivago guy is clearly trying to have sex with you. And if you feel as if the "you" I am referring to cannot possibly refer to you, well, guess what? You're wrong, the Trivago guy loves sex, and he will sex you while getting you an excellent deal on a hotel.

The Trivago guy is known for great deals on hotels, but even more well known is that he has that smoky voice and seems to be a little too fit for a guy his age. Speaking of that, you could convince me his age was anywhere from 18-75. The question then becomes, does Trivago make you look old, or does Trivago keep you young? Is the Trivago Guy immortal? As you're contemplating these questions, this silver fox is plotting, as he tries to find a way into your pants.

The one thing you won't notice in his online dating profile is his height. I mean, are we sure he's not a little person?

Like, you assume that his shirt is just a little big, and his legs look just a little short. But can we be certain that the shirt isn't just a polo that drapes over his tiny body? Are those jeans or Extra Small Capris? Those shoes are a size 5 tops. He seemed nice looking in his online dating profile, and he did get you a really great deal on your hotel, so you give him some more time to impress you when you see this.

I mean, yeah, that is as derpy of a face as possible, but that is just the next step in his plan, ensuring that you underestimate him. Never underestimate Trivago Guy or the great deals you will get on his website. And are all those numbers even necessary? That's a lot of numbers, it looks like at least 30 different numbers up there. So numbery and confusing. Oh no, I'm fading fast...

Don't worry folks. That was just a dramatic interpretation of what could happen, as The Trivago Guy is passionate about trying to have sex with you, but he's still more passionate about making it easy for you to find great deals on hotels.

Trivago: Great for hotels, Awful for Abstinence.

Ric Flair's Two Girlfriends

The mid-90s were a great time for pro wrestling. It's when the nWo was formed, WCW started acquiring all the best wrestling talent from around the world, and the WWE had...well, it took a while for the WWE, late 90s was more their jam, but they did give us Sunny, who was probably the most jerked-off-to woman of that era...I'm just guessing. Anyway, one of my favorite angles from this era was Ric Flair's two girlfriends.

When Ric Flair reformed the Horsemen, he knew he needed some arm candy, so he recruited Woman to help manage the crew. But one Woman was not enough. Flair began a feud with Randy Savage, where Miss Elizabeth made her return to help out The Macho Man. Or so we thought. It turned out that Miss Elizabeth was actually working for Ric Flair. Ric Flair now not only had one girlfriend to help him out, he now had two girlfriends.

Ric Flair would randomly wander out during the middle of a match on Nitro with a lady on each arm. He set up a VIP section with fine food and champagne that he would take both Woman and Miss Elizabeth to. This whole angle was the fact that Ric Flair was so rich and such a great lover that he could handle two women, and they were both happy to be with him. Not only that, but Miss Elizabeth paid for everything with Macho Man's money.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, two women, there is no way he would pursue a third woman." Haha, maybe you wouldn't pursue a third woman, but if you're spending your time reading this, you are certainly no Nature Boy. While he was with these women, he was also working on seducing Steve "Mongo" McMichael's wife, Debra, and the ladies were also cool with that. Nature Boy gonna Naitch, and the ladies knew what they were getting into.

Basically, the whole point of this post is to remind you that Ric Flair's entire gimmick was that he was a rich guy who was really good at fucking. God bless you, Ric Flair.

Juan Pablo Is Clearly A Sociopath

Did you see The Bachelor last night? If you didn't, you should do that right now. I'll wait...okay. OMG, right? Andi made it to the last three and eliminated herself, because she realized that Juan Pablo didn't give a shit about her. This was one of the all-time great episodes of The Bachelor, as it was a fascinating look into personalities and how they can conflict. I've been on #TeamAndi since the first episode, so I would be on her side no matter what happened, but it's pretty clear that Juan Pablo is a sociopath, more specifically, he's Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We'll get to that later; let's start with my precious Andi.

Andi wanted to fall in love. That's why she was on this show. And she had some great times where it felt magical, because she got to go on ridiculously expensive trips and have dream dates all the time. Unfortunately, they used the fantasy suite to talk, and Juan Pablo only talked about himself and didn't show any concern for what type of person Andi is. He said he thought it was a great night (we'll dive into that more later), but Andi had one of the worst nights of her life. Because of that, she decided to talk more to tell him that he doesn't feel that he cares about her, which seems likely since he said that she was only there by default (Juan Pablo claimed that he didn't use the word default, but he also said that homosexuality was perverted, and I'm guessing he would deny using that word had it not been recorded). But Juan Pablo tried to be nice and say that it was okay that she was leaving. This angered Andi, and she kept badgering him. Was this the best move? No, it was not, but she had felt something for Juan Pablo before that, and she wanted him to show some sort of emotion. Juan Pablo did not give her the satisfaction, and she went in the limo and said she was still looking for true love. ABC, if she is not the next Bachelorette, I will be a one man riot.

Now onto Juan Pablo and why he is a sociopath. Juan Pablo has been very image conscience this entire show. I really feel that nearly every elimination has been calculated and not in the sense of love, but more in the sense of public perception. I could write a whole article about the order of women being eliminated from the show, but I'm not going to unless there is public demand for it. Still, last night was the definition of sociopathic behavior. I can tell, because I am like 90% sociopath (I control my emotions, but my wife has gotten through my hard exterior to make me more of a human being). The easiest way to sum up Juan Pablo's behavior is that he wasn't a human being, he was someone pretending to be a human being. A human being shows empathy, and when they make someone feel like shit, they feel remorse; instead, he told Andi it was okay and tried to put the blame on her. This obviously angered Andi, and the fact that he was a stone cold when it came to emotions definitely drove her a little crazy. He gave her absolutely nothing. And this, from a man, who has cried after eliminating like the last 8 girls, didn't give even a sniffle for Andi. In the acts of sociopaths, that was a work of art. I was impressed, because Juan Pablo basically showed that he's Dennis Reynolds.


And even after she had left, he said that he would not have let her stay even if she had wanted to. This is A+ work, because he is still trying to make it appear as if he was the one who dumped her. This is a total power play from him, and power is incredibly important to him. He doesn't want arguments in his life. This man is looking for a submissive wife, and his remaining two contestants fit that profile. Clearly, Nikki wins, because she met his daughter, so at that point, she was already the winner of the show. She's basically just a younger version of Clare with a better job, so yeah, Clare has no shot.

I am left with one question. Did Andi and Juan Pablo have sex? It's a fascinating question from both ends. Juan Pablo thought they had a great night, and if you are in a fantasy suite with no sex, that is not going to equal a great night. Replace boat with fantasy suite in this video, and you basically have Juan Pablo.


Andi said she hated the night, because of the talk, which would imply that they did not have sex. Still, they could have gone right back to the room, had sex, and then started to just hang out. Still, I'm leaning towards them not having sex. Since Juan Pablo is a sociopath, I believe it was a calculated move to talk about how great a night they had talking, when in fact, he was going to eliminate Andi for not giving up the nookie. He can't come out and say it wasn't a great night, because they didn't have sex, because that would set a bad example for his daughter, and the general public wouldn't like him as much. In the end, everything he does is part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

Breaking Down the Lyrics of IMx's "First Time"

In my pursuit to comment on relevant things in the media, I have decided that it is time to look at a song that is over a decade old and probably not all that memorable for most people. The song is by IMx (also known as Immature, something I just found out by looking at their Wikipedia page), and it is called "First Time." If you do not know this song, you are probably in the majority. This song peaked at #69 (LOL) on the hip hop charts. It never even made it to the top 100 on the regular billboard charts. I seriously have no clue why I even have this song on my iPod. I have no idea where I would have even heard this song. I am not and was never hip enough to know anything about Hip Hop. But words cannot express how much I love this song. I have never listened to this song without laughing out loud. The lyrics are so wonderful, and that is why I want to break this song down, so you can enjoy it as much as I do. Before we do, refresh yourself on what a wonderful song it is, or enjoy it for the first time.

Now onto the lyrics:


[x3]
La la la la la la...
la la la la
la la la la la la la..

You know what they're trying to do right here? Set the mood. Ladies and gentleman, I deem this operation a total success.

See, normally a brother wouldn't talk about his first time

Except every guy ever who immediately brags to his friends about how some girl was dumb enough to let him put his weewee in her happy hole. That means penis in vagina for those of you who don't use the mature terminology.

But I'll just be real with y'all and say what's on my mind 
I remember like yesterday, just a little man 

What are we guessing, 14 years old? Is that what qualifies as a little man? It probably does, which means he definitely started before I did. It is amazing how people were so unconcerned about cooties in different parts of the country. I researched the shit out of that before I made any physical contact with a girl.

Had no clue, just quite didn't understand 
Looked up to big bro for a little advice 

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You are 14, so you probably should ask your big brother if this is a good idea. I am sure your brother shared with you how important sex is, and how this is a really big deal and you need to be careful. I am sure he was very thoughtful with how he chose his words.

He said "Young bro, whatever you do, just make sure you strap twice" 

THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER. What kind of family did this kid come from? Did I miss out by not asking my big bro about sex at a young age? Would he have given this sort of brilliant advice to me? As a 14 year old, would I have known to wear two condoms, or would I have heard enough rap music to think that I should bring two guns, because, you know, bitches be crazy. Looking back, I am very glad that I was not a sexually active 14 year old.

I was a little bit nervous about being my first time 
But I said "What the hell this girl is too damn fine" 

A few years ago, I was looking through my middle school yearbook. I remember who I thought was really hot back then. I looked at the pictures, and let me make an official blog proclamation, no 14 year old girl is "too damn fine."

[Chorus] 
My very first time 
In the house, on the couch, in your parents' bedroom remember 

Why do her parents have a couch in their bedroom? Problems between Mom and Dad? Probably; that's why their daughter is having sex at such an early age. Proper morals start at home. If Dad had to move a couch into the bedroom just so he would have a place to sleep in peace, clearly things are not going well.

My very first time 
Can't wait 'til the day when I see you again remember 

Dude, you probably biked over there. You could see her tomorrow. I wouldn't think that many parents would see a boy come over and immediately think that you had sex with their daughter the day before. Unless they can smell it on you, and seriously, if that is the case, take a shower, you probably smell awful.

My very first time 
It was just as special to me as it was to you girl 
My very first time 
Will never forget my first time 

See it was Sunday afternoon, moms and pops were gone 

Probably having a lovely afternoon at the Home Depot.

We had to be on the low cuz they were on their way home 

You probably should have started shortly after they left. Not right before they were about to get home.

We started kissing then it led straight to the bed 
Can't believe this is happenin' is what I'm thinking in my head 
Lasted like a minute but it seemed like forever 

I really appreciate his honesty. I could write a simliar song, but I'm not sure how I would rhyme with "multiple orgasms." I don't know, maybe, "filled her chasm," but I'm just workshopping right now.

We almost got caught but I'm just too damn clever 

It wasn't your cleverness that got you out of that situation, it was that it lasted a minute. If you could rob a bank in one minute, it would probably be a whole lot easier to get away with it.

Your parents came home from church and i was outta there like a drop of a dime

Woah, woah, woah. Let's slow down here. Her parents weren't at Home Depot; they were at church? She skipped church to bang you for a minute? Shit dude, don't warp it twice, wrap it thrice. Safety first, brah.

Man I will never forget my first time

The sores still haven't gone away, have they?

This goes out to the first do you know 
when will I see you again (see you again) 
And no matter how old we both get no regrets I'll never forget 
My first time 

I'm sure that she has a few regrets. Her one minute of sex just got her a one-way ticket to hell.

[Chorus] 

See some of you might've started early, some of you started late 
But I know when I started, man, I thought it was great 
This goes out to all my little brothers in the world 
Make sure your first time's with that special girl 

The one that requires a double wrap on your dong.

Clap your hands if you remember (clap your hands) 
your first time (first time), your first time (first time) 
Clap your hands (clap your hands with me) 
if you remember your first time (your first time), your first time baby 

You can bet your ass that I clap every time I hear this part of the song, and I would expect you to do the same.

[Chorus x2]

So that is why I love this song so much. It never fails to make me smile. So clap your hands, fill that chasm, and whatever you do, make sure you strap twice.

Women Law Violation

So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

drzarbaugh Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. #womenlawviolation

This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

inPHamICE Mr. Marcus 

wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing #womenlawviolation

Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

stillaCOLEworld you follow, I lead. 

#womenlawviolation refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.

Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.

TheArabPrincess Your Royal Highness 

#WOMENLAWVIOLATION walking around the club barefoot

It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

tripstah chris joyner 

@RickeySmiley Not greasing up under the titties #WOMENLAWVIOLATION

I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

bossy_chelle Marchelle Love

#womenlawviolation wearing colored draws with white pants

This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.

BobbyJComedy Bobby J. 
#WomenLawViolation Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.

If Wishers Were Horses

Everybody has a sexual fetish. I'll even admit mine. Unlike most guys, I like girls who look like this...

Only hotter. That's right, I like females who are extremely...pretty. Like the prettier, the better for me. If you are a gorgeous lady, I will do you...hard. I know this makes me a freak, but it's what I'm into. We all have our fetishes. I'm sure you've all heard of Furries, but that's a black-tie cocktail party conversation topic at this point. I want to expose you to a sexual fetish that the mainstream media doesn't have the guts to cover.

If Wishers Were Horses. This sexual fetish is so messed up that American servers refuse to host this website. So they went to Europe, where there are no rules about what is on the Internet. You think you've seen some sick stuff made by Americans? You haven't seen shit. I had a buddy who would show us European porn, and I am scarred to this day. Not only do these people not feel pain, but I'm pretty sure that half of Europe thinks that shit is one of the essential food groups. Just trust me on this, and do not do a Google search for "German Shit Porn"; it will only leave you traumatized.

But back to If Wishers Were Horses. If you couldn't tell from the title, this fetish involves people who wish they could transform into horses. Their website warns, "If the notion of transforming into an animal does not appeal then you'd really be happier visiting another site." You will also be greeted with this gif.

I never knew how much females resembled horses, but now I can totally see it. I think I might start telling girls they are as majestic as a horse. This gif drew me in, so I happily clicked the enter button so I could learn more.

The first section I had to go to was "Why?" because I wanted to know why people would want to be horses. The message comes from Destrier, who is the woman who runs the site, and this was the most relevant piece of information on why people would want to become horses.

"Horses embody a lot of admirable concepts...The horse's sexual appeal should be mentioned too - not for nothing do we flatter or tease each other with terms like stud, stallion, or filly. Many find the notion of becoming a horse quite erotic."


Basically these people want to have sex with horses, but they don't want to go to jail for beastiality. If you meet one of these people, do not leave them alone with your horse. In fact, don't leave them alone with a horse stuffed animal, because that stuffed animal is going to get stuffed by something or stuffed up somewhere. 

I tried to read some of the stories, but they're awful. Not only is it boring, but it's also poorly written. The first story tried to put an adverb in every sentence. The horse owner couldn't just beat his horse, he aggressively beat his horse. Well, no shit, most people don't lackadaisically beat their animals to teach them a lesson.

Next, I checked out Hooves. I don't know why I was shocked when I saw the image on the page, but for some reason, I thought Hooves was a metaphor for starting a solid base of a horse lifestyle, but no, as the image shows, I was thinking far too much for this site.

Yeah, it's just instructions on how to turn your hands into hooves, so you can walk on all fours, because, fuck, you've already admitted you want to be a horse, it's not like you have to worry about losing any self-respect at this point.

But I saved the best for last when I went to their advice page. Before delving into this subject, I would have assumed that the advice would be ways to hide your fetish, so you didn't shame your family and friends. But after looking through this site for a while (Trust me, you don't want to know how long I spent on this site), I knew that it would be far dumber than anything I could imagine. I was not disappointed when I was greeted by this warning at the top of the page:

Please Note!

I have not ever been a horse! This is a work of fiction, but contains some practical points which I hope, should any of you find yourself succeeding in your quest to be an equine, might be of use or interest.

Thank you for the warning. The saddest part about this warning is that it's probably necessary, because Destrier is pretty much the Queen of people who wish they were horses, and after reading their fan fiction, I'm pretty sure everyone who has this fetish is at least mildly retarded. But if you think the warning is absolute batshit insanity, prepare to have your mental capacities shocked and awed, because the stupidity is only beginning. Oh yes, it gets better, so much better:

Documented hazards of this nature include:
Being unable to reverse the transformation if and while a pregnancy results.

So yeah, don't get pregnant once you turn into a horse, because it can be really tough to turn back into a human once you've had your horse baby. As messed up as that is, my favorite part of this warning is "Documented hazards". DOCUMENTED. Because so many people have written about their transformation into a horse that there are actually documented hazards for equine transformation (that's the scientific term). Documented...DOCUMENTED. I really can't stress the stupidity of that line enough. I also enjoyed this nugget on the choosing of methods:

Many are the ways in which one may transform oneself, and sober consideration must be given to all.

Yes, folks, it is not wise to drunkenly decide to turn into a horse. Obviously, if you're considering equine transformation, your judgment must be impeccable while sober, but intoxication can bring rash decisions out of the best of us. What I really hope for is someone using this defense in a drunk driving case:

Defendant: Judge, I was really wasted, and at that point, I knew I had two choices. Drive home, or turn into a horse and gallop home. I knew from the Internet, which never lies, that it was unwise to drunkenly turn into a horse, so I made the safer decision and drove home.

Judge: Case dismissed.

That could totally be half an episode of Franklin & Bash. 

Finally, I would like to address the preparations for becoming a horse. They recommend you have someone else to assist you in case you run into any problems during your equine transformation. I would LOVE to be this person. I know a lot of stupid people; I just don't know if they'd like to turn into a horse. But I cannot imagine anything better than watching a person "transform" into a horse. Imagine this scene:

I find an idiot who would like to perform an equine transformation. I first explain to them that they need to be outside while the transformation occurs, because they would be too big to exit out of a door of a house once they turned into a horse. I would then let them know that they needed to be naked in the yard, because the clothes could constrict their transformation. The person would probably object that I videotaped them, but I would have to so I could prove that they are a person who turned into a horse, and not just a regular horse, so the authorities wouldn't steal them away. My favorite part would be acting shocked as I pretended they were actually turning into a horse. My only problem would be holding in my laughter as I put a saddle on them and watched them eat grass. I'd probably stop short of nailing horseshoes on their hands and feet, but that's because I'm a good guy.

And so concludes my deep, dark, disturbing piece of investigative journalism on "If Wishers Were Horses."


You're welcome.

-Joe

P.S. Here is a deep look into the world of Larry Bernandez.

Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.