Tuesday, February 2, 2016

My Review of Top Golf

I'm in my 30s, married, a dog but no kids, so I basically live the most boring existence imaginable to the outside world. Now, this works great for me, as I love just hanging out during most weeks, as I love my wife and dog (sometimes not in that order) very much, and I'm a pretty chill dude so hanging out, getting my ass kicked at an MMA gym and going about my day are good days for me. Plus, although I'm chill most of the time, I do it big with things like WrestleMania, Grapple on the Gridiron, and the Rose Bowl. Still, my wife needs to be involved in activities, so both of us are always keeping an eye out for possible date nights. That is why I was very intrigued when my buddies mentioned Top Golf being a cool place and me realizing that there was one only about a half hour away. So, I ditched the dog, gathered up the old lady, and went out to show my wife what a dominant golfer I can be.

Here's the thing about me: I was probably made to be white trash. I don't really care about my appearance, to the point that I have gone out to meet people with my wife and had blood stains on my shirt...multiple times. I don't care about the nicer things in life, because I'm really not that picky. That being said, I'm always surprised when I go to nice places. Golf places have to be nice, because golf people somehow all act like they went to Duke. They're entitled douchebags with racist undertones, so they need to pretend they're fancy. The nice thing about Top Golf is that it is really nice, but had a variety of people there that made it not as pretentious as most places that appeal to golfers. I saw grandparents hacking away with their grandchildren, dudes just out drinking beers, and I also saw a lot of people who looked like they were cosplaying Rory McIlroy, so yes, there are still douchebags there.

Still, a three story driving range with electronic targets to keep score add some necessary excitement to the game of golf. After acquiring player cards, they sent us up to the third floor, because they could tell that we were a couple of swing...er, ball...eh, that doesn't quite work, how about club aficionados, yeah, that'll work. Anyway, we go up there, slide are card in and let the games begin.

Now, I had one strategy going in, and strategy is a word I use very loosely, because I wanted to smash golf balls. Grip it and rip it as the fellas on the links like to say. On my second shot, I sailed the ball 250 yards with just a slight hook to the left. It was a beautiful shot. Unfotunately, the deeperst target is 215 and slightly to the right from where I was, so my ball sailed over, and I got zero points.

On my wife's first attempt, she missed not the ball not once, not twice, but three times as she struck out in golf. She then hit a little dinker that manged to get near one of the targets and get her 4 points. I would say that this was the story of the day, but she actually got better as the day went on and hit everything straight as an arrow. I usually slice everything, but on this day, I hooked everything, and we were one of the furthest boxes to the left, so it was not my day to score points.

I got my ass handed to me. I found every way to miss the targets, and she just kept hitting them straight as an arrow towards those targets and kept putting up points. It was super aggravating, but instead of changing my strategy, like an intelligent person, I just kept gripping tighter and swinging harder, and hooking that ball violently to the left.

Luckily, Top Golf is not just golf, as we also got ourselves some BMs (Bloody Marys), and they had a pretty extensive bloody mary bar, so I decided to live by the motto of "Treat Yo Self" and had some celery, some bacon, a pickle, some Tabasco, a little Worcestershire, pepper, and Lawry's to really bring my BM to the next level. Also, since drinking was involved, I can just claim my wife is an alcoholic and has a higher tolerance than me, and that is why she kicked my ass so badly.

So, yeah, I got my ass handed to me by my wife in the competition (and I never let her win, so I am not even going to attempt to claim that), but it was still a good time. Oh, and next time, I'm going to be totally focused on my wife's annihilation, and no Grandparent, dude, or even a cosplaying Jordan Spieth will be able to save her.

I'll probably get destroyed again.


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