Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My Mid-Life Crisis

Mid-life crises are always something that made me laugh. Like, what, one day, you realized you were old and needed to get yourself a shitty convertible? That's super sad and unnecessary, especially since convertibles are highly overrated. I was pretty positive that I'd never need to worry about a mid-life crisis of my own, because I don't really care about stuff so there's no big spending spree that I am going to go on. Unfortunately, this past week, I realized that, at the tender age of 32, I might be in the midst of my own mid-life crisis.

Although my crisis does not involve any extravagant purchase. It does involve a couple small purchases, and those couple purchases could turn to a few, could turn to many, could turn to a ridiculous amount of purchases. 

My mid-life crisis is short shorts.

It started a few years ago when I got rid of my basketball shorts and went to shorts at the knee instead of below the knee. Then the shorts went above the knee. Recently, I started folding the waistband over so the shorts raised up just a bit higher on my leg as I found it more comfortable to run since things didn't bounce around in my pockets as much. It was all logical so I didn't see a problem.

It got bad when I found this pair of Puma shorts. This pair was real short, basically the length of boxers. In fact, I wasn't totally sure whether they were boxers or shorts. Like, they seemed like shorts, because they had pockets and a drawstring, but they also had a button for pee hole, and I have never had that on any of my shorts before. Still, they were short shorts, and they had pockets, so I proudly wore them around despite the fact that it made my family uncomfortable. I thought that I wasn't the problem, and they were just jealous that I had such a great pair of legs.

Things only got worse from there. I used to make fun of people who wore those uncomfortably short running shorts. The reason being that if your legs are so weak that they can't fight through a bit of extra fabric, then you've got bigger issues than trying to beat your best mile time. Those guys were the biggest tools on the planet. This past weekend, I found a pair of super short running shorts. These shorts are shorter than any pair of shorts that my wife owns. I knew it was a bad idea, but I also knew that I would love them. So I made the purchase.

The next day I decided to give them a try. Since I have a small waist, I go with a size small shorts to ensure they hug my lower body in all the right places. That next morning they almost seemed shorter than before.  But I was all in, and nothing was going to make me turn back. I ripped off the tags and noticed something that almost made me turn back. Right on the original tag, there it was, "Ladies." My heart sank. Was I really going to wear lady shorts to go running? not only that, but ladies size small shorts. I hemmed, I hawed, and then I said fuck it, let's do this shit. 

I went running in tiny lady shorts, and it was GLORIOUS. I felt lighter on my feet, and I loved looking down to see my gorgeous legs almost fully exposed with each passing step. It had a nice little zip up pocket in the back where I was able to put my key and iPod. Overall, it was just an incredible experience, and I look forward to more adventures in my teeny, tiny shorts. I know it's weird; I know it will make others uncomfortable, but I can't help the way I feel. I love short shorts.

So, ladies, watch out. Not only will you see me flashing some major leg, but if you've got your eyes on the last pair of hot pink shorts at the store, you better be quick, because this mid-life crisis shows no signs of slowing down.

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