Mid-life crises are always something that made me laugh. Like, what, one day, you realized you were old and needed to get yourself a shitty convertible? That's super sad and unnecessary, especially since convertibles are highly overrated. I was pretty positive that I'd never need to worry about a mid-life crisis of my own, because I don't really care about stuff so there's no big spending spree that I am going to go on. Unfortunately, this past week, I realized that, at the tender age of 32, I might be in the midst of my own mid-life crisis.
Although my crisis does not involve any extravagant purchase. It does involve a couple small purchases, and those couple purchases could turn to a few, could turn to many, could turn to a ridiculous amount of purchases.
My mid-life crisis is short shorts.
It started a few years ago when I got rid of my basketball shorts and went to shorts at the knee instead of below the knee. Then the shorts went above the knee. Recently, I started folding the waistband over so the shorts raised up just a bit higher on my leg as I found it more comfortable to run since things didn't bounce around in my pockets as much. It was all logical so I didn't see a problem.
It got bad when I found this pair of Puma shorts. This pair was real short, basically the length of boxers. In fact, I wasn't totally sure whether they were boxers or shorts. Like, they seemed like shorts, because they had pockets and a drawstring, but they also had a button for pee hole, and I have never had that on any of my shorts before. Still, they were short shorts, and they had pockets, so I proudly wore them around despite the fact that it made my family uncomfortable. I thought that I wasn't the problem, and they were just jealous that I had such a great pair of legs.
Things only got worse from there. I used to make fun of people who wore those uncomfortably short running shorts. The reason being that if your legs are so weak that they can't fight through a bit of extra fabric, then you've got bigger issues than trying to beat your best mile time. Those guys were the biggest tools on the planet. This past weekend, I found a pair of super short running shorts. These shorts are shorter than any pair of shorts that my wife owns. I knew it was a bad idea, but I also knew that I would love them. So I made the purchase.
The next day I decided to give them a try. Since I have a small waist, I go with a size small shorts to ensure they hug my lower body in all the right places. That next morning they almost seemed shorter than before. But I was all in, and nothing was going to make me turn back. I ripped off the tags and noticed something that almost made me turn back. Right on the original tag, there it was, "Ladies." My heart sank. Was I really going to wear lady shorts to go running? not only that, but ladies size small shorts. I hemmed, I hawed, and then I said fuck it, let's do this shit.
I went running in tiny lady shorts, and it was GLORIOUS. I felt lighter on my feet, and I loved looking down to see my gorgeous legs almost fully exposed with each passing step. It had a nice little zip up pocket in the back where I was able to put my key and iPod. Overall, it was just an incredible experience, and I look forward to more adventures in my teeny, tiny shorts. I know it's weird; I know it will make others uncomfortable, but I can't help the way I feel. I love short shorts.
So, ladies, watch out. Not only will you see me flashing some major leg, but if you've got your eyes on the last pair of hot pink shorts at the store, you better be quick, because this mid-life crisis shows no signs of slowing down.
I am a person that is somewhat (totally) consumed by my own vanity. I am well aware of this, as it has been this way for quite a while. I like looking at me, and it's a big reason why I stay in shape, although in most public situations, I will cite the variety of health benefits associated with working out. In reality, it's all about looking good.
Despite this, I have stopped caring about what I look like in pictures. I am a very logical person, and logically, it made sense that I should want to look good in pictures as it presented myself in the most attractive way possible. I knew ladies were judging me by my Facebook pictures, because I know I was judging them on their Facebook pictures (It's easier if I can assume everyone is as shallow as me).
But now I'm married. I no longer need to attract ladies. That is why I don't really care what I look like in pictures. My wife makes me take pictures with her, and she gives me the courtesy of seeing if I like how I appear, but it really doesn't matter. If I look good, that's nice, but I honestly prefer looking poor in pictures. If my wife looks great, and I look like shit, people will just assume I have mad game, and that's way better than just being a normal, attractive dude with an attractive wife.
Now, that being said, my wife better look good, as she is a reflection of me. If she looks like shit, it makes me look like shit, so she needs to have her shit together. But honey, if you're reading this, you always look great, and I love you so much.
So I'm totally cool with pictures now. Got a zit? Who cares? One eye is halfway open and it looks like I'm having a stroke? I'm good. Wing sauce all over my face, because I'm a 30-year-old who eats like a baby? No problem. Outside of having love and affection from a person who genuinely cares for you, not caring what I look like in pictures may be my second favorite part of marriage.
I have always been a huge supporter of self-confidence, and not just confidence, but flat out cockiness. This has manifested in my personality. I love me some me, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm also self-aware, and I understand that I am an incredibly vain person.
Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy looking at beautiful women, but following closely behind (and it is a very close race) is staring at myself in the mirror. I adjust my body to different angles to find out where my muscles pop the most. I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing this.
None of what I have mentioned is inherently good, but my vanity is the main reason I am in shape. I love popping my shirt off and enjoying the view, so my wife is a lucky lady to get that same view.
Basically, all I am saying is that if you are superficial when it comes to looks, you should pursue people who are vain, because they are far more likely to stay in shape than people who stay in shape for sports. Sports go away, vanity is forever.
So I try to convince most people that I run in the winter because I need to keep my top notch cardio. That's only partially true. Although staying in shape is part of the reason, it's definitely only a secondary reason at best. My primary rule to running like a pimp is to satisfy my own vanity, because I love me some me. Although Jay-Z may think that pimpin' ain't easy, a true pimp like myself never sweats it. Let me take you through all of the steps I go through in order to maximize my swagger while running.
1. Take a Dump - It doesn't matter if I feel absolutely nothing deep in my bowels, I sit on the can until I can squeeze something out. This is a necessity, because if I don't do this, I will have to poop within five minutes of my run beginning, and that is the worst. How does this relate to my vanity? Not only do I feel sexier after I get that out of my system, but I also get rid of any bloatedness, making me look extra fit. I know most of the ladies out there are thinking that I always look perfect, but this just helps me reach a higher level of perfection.
Poo
2. Get Naked - A lot of people may strip down to their underwear before they put on their running clothes, but since I rarely wear underwear, I strip completely nude. This is the first, but certainly not the last, that I check myself out in the mirror. And trust me ladies, it's miraculous.
3. Boxer Briefs (Old School) - I first put on an old (and very tight) pair of white boxer briefs. I want to use an old pair, because there's no need to dirty up a good pair of underwear for a run. Sure some of them have holes in them, but the tightness keeps me snug and stops me from bouncing around. This is very crucial for a run. It's also a great time to check myself out in the mirror, as the white boxer briefs accentuate my gorgeous...skin.
4. Spandex Pants - Now it's time for my black Under Armour spandex pants. I usually give a good flex here, as the pants help accentuate my v-shape upper body. Plus, the spandex makes my naturally great looking legs really pop in the mirror. It's a sight to behold.
5. Starter Dry-Fit - It's just like Under Armour only extremely thin. It's not the best for keeping a person warm, but it is great for making my muscles pop. At this point, I embody the athletic ideal. I have the legs of a black man, and the heart of a scrappy white guy. This is when the sight of my jacked bod gets me pumped for the upcoming run.
6. Outer Underwear - I put on an extra pair of outer underwear, because, quite honestly, sometimes my junk gets cold, and this prevents that. Cold junk is the worst. I'll admit to having cold junk on a secluded bike trail and finding the only cure sticking my hand down my own pants as I run. I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not ashamed. It's never for pleasure, just for dong survival. A true pimp always takes care of his number one guy.
Now with this outer underwear, I've tried bright pairs so I could look like a superhero, but this plan was a total failure. It turns out I just look mentally challenged. This is the one step where I do not look at myself in the mirror.
7. Shorts - I can basically use any pair that isn't black, because I like to contrast my pants and shirt so I really pop when I'm out on the streets. It's also a tad depressing, because my vanity really starts going downhill after the Starter dry-fit.
8. Under Armour - Some would say I use it because I need the warmth, but moreso, I wear it, because I can't fight the urge to protect this house. Click clack bitches.
9. Bright T-shirt - Because I pop, and I don't stop.
10. Socks - I hate wearing socks, but they are a necessity in this weather, so I figure I might as well go all out. I wear an obnoxious pair of bright green rugby socks. And for the record, I did not buy a pair of green rugby socks, I earned them by playing on a rugby team back in the day. This is my final look in the mirror.
11. Heavy Stretching - My stretching puts a heavy emphasis on my groin and hips. My groin can get tight on me, so I do that for my pleasure. I stretch my hips, because ladies love a man with loose hips. And trust me, when I'm done, I'm like Shakira; my hips don't lie.
12. Shoes - This is where I could say something clever like: I like my shoes how I like my women - tied up with little circulation. But it seems like a lot of work to tie up women, and it's not like any girl would be crazy enough to pass up an opportunity at this so it's not a necessity. Anyway, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, shoes. Yeah, I got a pair of running shoes, and they treat me well. I prefer a double knot to keep it tight.
13. Headband and Gloves - Yes, I love headbands. They are awesome. And I am cool enough to pull the look off. And the gloves, well, they keep my hands warm. There's really no other explanation needed on those.
14. iPod - There's two different directions you can go with your music. For the most part, I go with pump up music. Hatebreed is ideal, and even though it's easy listening in comparison, Metallica has treated me well lately. Sometimes, you can just go into complete zone out and listen to chill music, but that's much tougher to do in the winter time, and for amateurs, I recommend sticking with the hardcore stuff.
15. Just Run - A lot of people like to set out distances when they run. A true pimp doesn't need a distance. A true pimp doesn't need a path. A true pimp just runs. If you don't know where you're going, that's a good way to get some place you've never been. Sure, sometimes this leads to me accidentally going 20 miles, but usually it just means that I go for a relaxing run where I don't need to think about the running, I can just enjoy the moment.
You see, a true pimp like myself doesn't always need the company of a woman. I can just love me some me. After that, the ladies will follow my lead.
Now that's big pimpin.
-Joe
P.S. Warning: Running like a pimp will cause women (and some men) to both hoot and holler at you. If you're not prepared for this kind of attention, do not follow these instructions. Many of the ladies will find you irresistible even before you run your pickup gambits on them.
P.P.S. To run like a pimp in the summertime, just pop your shirt off and enjoy the attention.
P.P.P.S. Speaking of pimps, Shonn Greene is another true pimp. Sure his run to ice the game was great, but he could have easily been called for multiple excessive celebration penalties after the touchdown. Not only did he take a nap on the ball, but he, and all his teammates flew around like Jets in the endzone. That's another example of big pimpin.
