I Hate Wine

I hate wine so much. It is the worst. I think back to the legendary Jesus tale where he turned a barrel of water into wine, and when I was a child, I used to think it was awesome, but now I hate that story. I would have been so pissed had I just wanted a glass of water and instead I got some Pinot Grigio instead. Even if Jesus had done this after he died for our sins, I still would have taken a sip, and said, "Thanks for nothing, Jesus." He would have been so hurt at my emphasis on nothing, and I probably would have felt bad about it later, but seriously, some people just want a glass of water so we don't get hungover the next day, and it's a real dick move to deprive me of that opportunity.

Um, I did not know that I was going to go in that direction. Let's try to get back on track.

I am getting married, and everyone on both sides of the family seems to think wine is awesome. I disagree, as I don't like the taste, and really, don't even like the idea of wine. But they go to wineries and live it up. And you know what? Good for them. I am happy that they are enjoying life, as I don't ever want to deprive people of a good time. But you know what is not sold at wineries? Natural Light. And I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to come waltzing into a winery with a 30 pack of Natties on your shoulder. Sorry I like to party.

Wine also takes up a lot of valuable real estate. These wine drinkers open up a bottle and have a glass. They then put a cork in the wine and put it in the fridge. The next night (or even worse, that same night), they grab a different bottle and have a glass of that, put a cork in that and put it in the fridge. Pretty soon, we have three bottles of wine taking up valuable real estate in the fridge. It's not like I drink half a Natty Light and then have a Brooklyn Winter Ale (practically the same beers) before corking them and putting them in the fridge for later use. Because of all this wine, my milk no longer has its special area inside the door. I understand that it is illogical for me to be mad that I have to put my milk in a different spot in the fridge, but this is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears.

So if you love wine, good for you, you should keep drinking it, because it makes you happy. But if you could do me a favor and just finish one bottle before starting another, it would probably lead to world peace. If you have two bottles open at once, don't come complaining to me when another war starts; that one's on you.

The Only Problem With Natural Light

I have always known that nobody is perfect, but now it seems that nothing in this world is perfect. The closest thing to perfection, without a doubt, is Natrual Light. It goes down like water, it's cheap, it screams party, and it is always reliable to get you drunk, but never wasted.

Unfortunately, that first point is actually a flaw. Before all you beer snobs think that a beer with little taste is a bad thing, it's not, so you can shove your fancy beers up your ass and hope your bidet can clean things out for you. With that being said, Natural Light may be a little too close to water.

See, I'm a man in my mid-late twenties (I refuse to classify 27 as late 20s, although 28 means it's probably time for a nursing home...until I turn 28, and then 28 will be young again), so when I drink all day and all night, it leads to hangovers. The best thing for a hangover is chocolate milk, trust me on that, but if I'm not in the mood for that, I like to replenish myself with the classic cure of water.

Alcohol, which Natural Light contains, is a poison, and my body recognizes that. My body has a short-term memory, so it never tries to tell me to stop while I am poisoning it, but if I try to repoison it, my body tries to reject that. So, what I have learned is that water is extremely hard to drink after a Natty Light hangover due to the fact that my body thinks I am repoisoning it. I am trying to help my body, but my body makes water, which has no flavor, taste bad to my mind. My body can literally not tell the difference between water and Natural Light. This is not fun, because the rehydration process is not easy without water, so my hangovers last much longer than they did in my youthful days. As an advocate for Natural Light, it was depressing to discover its incorrectable flaw.

So, that leads us to this very difficult question. Am I done drinking Natural Light?

The answer...

Fuck no. I'm just done drinking water when I'm hungover. A person can die without water, but a person has no reason to live without Natural Light.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not sure what the most shocking thing is in this article about Hawkeyes Cornerback B.J. Lowery. That his name is Fernando, or that B.J. stands for Boots Junior. Although, I would like to now think that every B.J. is referring to Boots Junior. I remember Hawkeye and Chicago Bulls legend, Boots Junior Armstrong, and you see that chick over there in the corner, I wouldn't mind if she gave me a Boots Junior.