Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hunter S. Thompson, I'm Not Impressed

I read quite a bit. I try to make it mostly about sports so as to avoid the label of a nerd, but I still do quite a bit of reading. Through this, I have come to respect certain writer's opinions on other stuff that I should read. Finally, after many writers that I respected praised him as a genius, I figured I should probably give Hunter S. Thompson a try.

Before trying out his writing, I will say that I had seen Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas and Where the Buffalo Roam, two movies based off his experiences. I thought the movies were solid, but nothing spectacular. Still, with all the praise that he received, I have to admit that he struck me as an interesting character.

Before trying out one of his books, I decided I would read a biography about him. It was basically a collection of stories from his friends and family that were put together in chronological order to give you an idea of his life. I thought it was an interesting read, but it wasn't interesting for the reasons that I expected. Hunter S. Thompson was an asshole. Now I call myself an asshole sometimes, but he was not the fun and cheeky asshole like me, his assholism was much closer to sad and tragic. He constantly took advantage of friends and mentally abused girlfriends, all while trying to portray an image of a badass that didn't really exist.

This part really bothers me, because he has this image as some sort of outlaw. I realize he hung out with the Hell's Angels which should give him some credibility, but he didn't become a Hell's Angel or anything close to it. He was a writer who hung out with them, and if they told him to stop recording a conversation, he dutifully turned off his tape recorder without causing a fuss. He asserted himself once around the Hell's Angels, and one of the Angels beat him up for getting in his business. He then never showed his face around their hangouts ever again. When he was sent to cover the Vietnam War, he spent like one day in Vietnam before deciding that he should write his story in a safer country. When shit was going down, he pussed out. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, because it takes balls to be willing to be in a war zone when you are just trying to write a story. But if you're going to cultivate this image of you being a badass, you should probably back it up.

The weird thing about the book was that even though he was a dishonest piece of shit who took advantage of everyone and would turn his back on anybody when they were no longer useful to him, everybody talks about him like he was the greatest guy on the planet. If he did something awful to somebody, that person would describe it as "That was just Hunter." This was absolutely mind boggling to me, but it does seem the guy was a blast at parties, so I guess I have to give him credit there.

After getting through all that, I was honestly even more excited to read his books. I figured anybody who was this big of a prick must have been incredibly talented to keep getting work. That's how this shit works, right? Wrong. I decided to read his book about the Hell's Angels, because I am incredibly fascinated with biker gangs. I have no clue why I have this fascination, because I have never ridden a motorcycle, and can barely ride a bicycle. Still, I've read a few books about the Hell's Angels and enjoyed them immensely. Thompson's book was the most boring book I think I have ever read in my entire life. He took a topic that is extremely interesting to me and nearly bored me to death with it.

This is where the hipster assholes think to themselves (because those pussies wouldn't dare say it to my face), "He just doesn't get it. Hunter S. Thompson revolutionized writing." First off, I do get it, his writing just isn't that interesting. I understand that it's different, but that doesn't make it good. The only way he could have revolutionized writing was making it excessively boring, and that's not exactly something to be proud of. Also, I don't think he was the first one to write boring shit, have you ever read the bible? That book revolutionized boring.

If you like Hunter S. Thompson, hey, that's your decision, you should just know that you're a moron who likes shitty writing. With that being said, RIP Hunter.

-Joe

P.S. Enlarge this image, and enjoy.

P.P.S. This may only be funny to me, but this response took second place in the competition.

P.P.P.S. This is honestly just a really useful technique. I haven't tried it yet, but it's basically the most badass way to peel a hard-boiled egg.

Monday, September 27, 2010

A Giant Tuesday Morning Link Dump

So I realize that I've accumulated quite a few links lately, and some of these have become a little dated, but I need to clean up all the pointless links that I have saved, so I am going to share them with the world today. There will be no rhyme or reason to the order, but everyone should be able to find something that at least mildly entertains them.

If you like Saved by the Bell, this is definitely worth a cheap laugh.

I honestly don't care if he was hyped up on testosterone, here are six minutes of pure Chael Sonnen brilliance. Hell it even includes poetry at the end.

I think Chael Sonnen is hilarious, but GSP may have an even funnier video. It's him talking to one of the ugliest women in the history of women. Topics covered: Octagon attire, alpha males, masturbation, and GSP being just as lazy as the rest of us after "a good sex."

I don't know how long this is going to take, but Viacheslav Datsik just keeps doing crazy shit. He was recently arrested trying to immigrate to Norway. Why was he arrested? Because he tried to casually bring a loaded gun with him. Apparently you can't do that. I don't know how he was able to get near Norway, since he has been under constant surveilance by a Russian SWAT unit. They also raided his tattoo shop and found Nazi paraphernalia and the neighbors said they would often see people training MMA naked. Datsik will destroy Lesnar...if he ever gets out of jail.

Being down in Albuquerque, I got very excited about the Mike Leach to New Mexico rumors. Sure, I think he would help make that football team exciting, but more importantly, him joining Steve Alford would give UNM the most awesomely arrogant coaches in college history.

Here is just one of many examples of why Don Frye's commentating is so awesome:
“That was like prison sex; hard, sweaty, violent and there was a lot of noise.”

This is an excellent article by former Hawkeye, Matt Bowen, about how concussions affected him during his playing days and still affect him today.

This song is pretty funny, but the funniest part may be the shirtless dude throwing the football at the end. If you've never seen the inside of a gym, you probably shouldn't take your shirt off in public. Also, after talking about Marcus Coker yesterday, maybe I should have just ended my comment with, "No homo."

Marilyn Manson is trying to look like Kenny Powers. I can't say I blame him.

Norman Smiley is one of my West Coast Dance inspirations. That is why I could never get tired of this website.

-Joe

P.S. I can honestly say that last night, I saw Jay Cutler's best pass in a Bears uniform. The Bears were down 17-14, but at the Packers 29 yard line with 1st and 10. Cutler dropped back, scanned the field and saw nothing open down the field. The pocket started collapsing in on him, and instead of forcing the ball downfield (which he definitely would have done last year), he literally threw the ball about three yards to Greg Olsen. Olsen took it for a 16 yard gain and another first down. I said that if Cutler had any chance of succeeding (which I admittedly doubted), it would be under Mike Martz, and Martz might just turn J-Cutty into a real quarterback. God bless you Mike Martz.

College Football Thoughts

The blog took a hiatus, and while some may think that it was because I went into a deep, dark depression over Iowa's loss to Arizona, my life is not quite pathetic enough where Iowa's performance determines my mood for weeks at a time.

Despite it being very late to be talking about this, let's discuss the Iowa-Arizona game. It wasn't mistakes that killed the Hawkeyes. Sure, having a punt blocked, an interception returned for a touchdown, and a kickoff returned for a touchdown. But Arizona muffed a punt, and had an intereception returned for a touchdown as well. With that, these two teams are even, but Iowa made one more mistake. That's not the case. Iowa is a superior team to Arizona, and nobody will be able to convince me otherwise. The reason the Hawkeyes lost is they played flat throughout most of the game. It happens, even to great teams. Alabama played flat against Arkansas, but Alabama has way more talent than Iowa will ever have, so it is much easier for them to make up for an off performance. If Iowa executes in every one of their final games, they can beat anybody that faces them, but the Big Ten is tough this year, so if they play flat, they may not be able to eke out a victory, even if they are facing inferior competition.

Sticking with the Hawkeyes, Mike Daniels was holy shit badass insane motherfucking killer yesterday. Wow. Him and Binns should mean that the 2011 d-line should at least be solid after we lose three very good guys after this year.

The seeds were already planted, as he had torn up defenses on NCAA 2011, but Marcus Coker seems like he's going to be legit. Also, prepare for the gayest thing that I have ever (or will ever, hopefully) say on this blog. Did you see the ass on Marcus Coker? It's huge. I have never noticed a football player's ass in my entire life of watching football, but Jesus, that man has an ass on him. I did no research on the subject, but I'm going to assume that a huge ass usually leads to powerful lower body. Yeah, Coker is going to be a stud. I also suggested this weekend that we replace Wegher Bombs with Jack & Cokers. I also thought about Rum & Cokers, because it sounds like Runnin Cokers, but I'm not sure if that drink is manly enough, and it feels a little too punny to me.

Back to teams playing flat, Arizona nearly lost this weekend. I only caught the end of the game, because of the UFC PPV, but they would have lost had Cal's kicker been able to make an easy field goal. Instead, Arizona scored in the final minute after a great catch by Juron Criner. I basically knew that Arizona was going to win when I saw that their defensive end, Ricky Elmore, did the Lattimer facepaint.
It is the most badass way to paint your face, and it basically ensures victory for your team. That's how ESU made a bowl game that year, despite star quarterback Joe Cane receiving a suspension for getting in a bar fight and getting a DUI.

As much as I love Coker, he is not my favorite freshman running back named Marcus, because Marcus Lattimore is a beast. He's such a beast that for once, a team coached by Steve Spurrier doesn't look like a bunch of fairies prancing around the football field. Lattimore is an extremely powerful runner, and he's probably the best college football back since Adrian Peterson.

I write out notes to myself while watching games, and usually I can expand on these notes for the blog. Over the weekend, I wrote, "Notre Dame sucks." I don't know what else to say about that, so just in case you didn't know, Notre Dame sucks.

Quick Thoughts on Quarterbacks:
The Jake Locker debacle against Nebraska a couple weeks ago didn't surprise me. Everyone's beating him down because of poor decisions and poor accuracy, but I still think his biggest issue is that he does not see the whole field at all. He stares down his receivers, and it makes him extremely predictable.

Ryan Mallett sucks too. Not as bad as Locker, but he still sucks. If he isn't ripped for his mechanics like Tim Tebow was, there is something seriously wrong, because his mechanics are far worse. He throws off his back foot every other throw, which leads to, unsurprisingly, some really awful tosses. Also, people love that he's 6'7", but since when does that mean a QB is going to be good? The last QB with that type of size who had moderate success was Scott Mitchell (and let's face it, he sucked). Do you really want to use a high draft pick on the next Scott Mitchell?

Finally, a QB I like (a little) in Andrew Luck. It's tough to judge any QB when they're playing Notre Dame, because, as noted above, Notre Dame sucks. He did a good job with his accuracy, and he was able to actually scan the field instead of staring down receivers. The most impressive thing about him is that even though he is not on the same level as Jake Locker when it comes to athleticism, I haven't seen a QB this year that uses his athleticism as well as Andrew Luck does. He knows how to move in the pocket to buy himself extra time, all while keeping his eyes down the field. This is something that Mallett doesn't have the athleticism to do, and Locker doesn't have the awareness to do. I'll still have to see more of him before he gets the highly coveted Hott Joe stamp of approval.

-Joe

P.S. My thoughts on the UFC card this weekend, it sucked worse than Notre Dame.

P.P.S. My boy Jose Canseco has gotten a lot of mainstream publicity for his latest tweet, but I still felt I should share it with my readers:
JoseCanseco I need an attorney pro bono my lanlord evicted me and would not let me take my chandeleers with me ,need your help to get them back
Honestly, this tweet makes me proud. I feel like the owner of a retarded puppy who chases after a frisbee, but trips over it while trying to pick it up. Sure, the puppy didn't get it right, but it was a much better try than I expected. This is equivalent to Jose's spelling of chandelier. Sure he didn't get it right, but the simple fact that he started it with a ch instead of sh is a really great accomplishment for him. Great job Jose.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Men: Be Terrified

This article is made to scare the shit out of men. Why? Because I found out about this, and now I'm scared as shit. If you stop reading right now, you will probably live a happier life. But if you stop reading now, there is a chance that something awful and life-changing could happen to you, because you were not aware that you needed to fear what I am about to explain. Choose wisely.

Here is what I need to tell you about: Rape-aXe. First let's skip past the fact that this would be an awesome name for my first son, because nobody in their right mind would ever mess with Rape-aXe. Chances of a child named Rape-aXe becoming a real-life Rambo is somewhere between 100-3500%. It's a foregone conclusion.

Okay, back to real Rape-aXe. In theory, Rape-aXe is a good thing. It is something a woman can purchase to prevent a rape. I have absolutely no problem with this invention in theory. Let's slowly go over this invention. Here is what Rape-aXe looks like:
It basically works like a female condom, where a lady worried about rape sticks this up her yoohoo (I plan on using a different synonym for vagina every time I refer to one). When you first glance at this, it looks weird, but not terrifying. That will all change when you look at the inside of this pussy protector.
As Sally Nevergetslaid (not her real name) demonstrates, there are basically little razors that align the inside of the Rape-aXe.

I know what most of you are thinking (at least I hope you are thinking this). "Joe, why should I care? It's not like I plan on raping a girl's tunnel of love, so I don't need to be worried about Rape-aXe." Hey, I'm happy your mind works this way. Unfortunately mine doesn't. I, like you, think rape is about the worst thing that a person can do to another person. But there is a scenario that greatly worries me.

Say you have previous experiences with a lady and her dick mitten. This could be through a past relationship, or it could possibly just be a girl that you have entered her cock socket a couple times. I don't think this is unique to me, but after hooking up with a girl, you can usually hook up with her again. Say both of you are out at a bar, you see each other, and neither is attached, there is a good chance that you may be allowed to enter her snake lake later that evening. She gets hers, you get yours, and everybody's happy (and by everybody, I mean the man is happy, and possibly her).

This is where I get worried. After I get done with my business inside the bikini biscuit, I can sometimes be an asshole. Now, I'm never outwardly mean, that's just not my style. But I know that Hott Joe, at 26 years old, is still not ready for a serious relationship. Hence, if the girl is interested in that, I cut off all communication with said girl. She usually catches on pretty quick, and things are fine (for me at least, I have no clue how the girl feels). I'm not a total asshole, it's not like this is true in all cases. If a girl is cool and not interested in a relationship, I can be totally cool with her, but the second that she starts to get clingy, she gets the silent treatment. It's what works for me.

Now it's time for the hypothetical situation: Say I see a former flame out, I stopped talking with her, but I've already got a bit of liquid courage in me, so I decide to start up a conversation just to see where things might take us. I (half-heartedly) apologize for being a dick, and she actually accepts the apology. She's not nearly as drunk as I am, but she's being really cool about everything, so I don't mind. She invites me back to her place, fuck yeah, I'm about to plow through her saloon doors. We get back to her place. Clothes start flying off. I've got her naked (nice job hypothetical me). She tells me to get inside of her. I happily oblige. My happiness quickly turns to sadness. I am in extreme pain. She begins laughing. I tell her my dong is killing me. She laughs harder. I pull out, noticing that I now have a crazy device on my guy. She tells me I've been Rape-aXed. I've got razors in my dick. That's understandable for a rapist, not for a guy who's just kind of an asshole. I do not want this to happen.

Obviously, this would take a whole nother level of crazy bitch to do something like this, so the chances are slim, but they're still there, especially for me. I can't imagine what it feels like to be loved on by me, and then just when this girl thinks she might lock down a thoroughbred stallion, I quickly cut off all communication, leaving their tears to be consoled by bucket after bucket of ice cream. The fact that these girls eventually pull themselves out of bed deserves some sort of medal. I can't imagine a life without me. Hence, these broads are probably a little messed up in the head. Nobody can blame them for that, but please, ladies, don't Rape-aXe me. Let's just have a few more guilt-free nights of love together. I promise not to giggle as much this time.

So guys, be aware of Rape-aXe. If you're half the man I am, or half the asshole I am, you've probably driven a few ladies a wee bit crazy. So be sure that you warm up the oven before going for gold. If you're using your digits on a girl's grandest canyon and think to yourself, "it kind of feels like she's got razors in her twatlantic ocean," do not follow that thought up with, "I think I should stick my dick in there to find out." Gently pull your fingers out and run, run for your life, and never turn back. There ain't no deer hoof that's worth a Rape-aXe.

-Joe

P.S. I really hope there's no ladies that read this and got any ideas. If there are, remember ladies, the only reason that I was such an asshole was because...um...I like...love you and shit? See? I'm a sweetheart.

P.P.S. I agree with Charlene Smith's opinions on this device, and she's a woman. Thanks Charlene.

P.P.P.S. Total names for a vagina included in this post: 13

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Evenings Spent with the Isotopes and Lobos

I decided to hit up a few sporting events recently, first going to the Isotopes last home game and then going to the New Mexico Lobos opening football game. Here is what I observed from my experiences.

Things started out great as I got my $6 Berm ticket, and then was given a free Dr. Pepper cup as I walked in the stadium. Poor people love free stuff, so this was quite a coup for me.

Part of the reason that I went to the Isotopes game was because I wanted to see superstar baseball players and the I-Cubs were in town. For most people, this would mean very little, but since I still love Jason Dubois, I was very excited. On top of that, former Cubs savior, Bobby Scales was playing. I remember idiot Cubs fans thinking he was going to be a star for the Cubs, because that's what usually happens to 30 year old career minor leaguers. Oh wait, it doesn't? Yeah, I guess that makes more sense. The most pleasant surprise was that Rafael Furcal was on a rehab assignment for Albuquerque. I had no idea he was injured since he isn't on my fantasy team, but I probably could have guessed it. Two out of three of the stars performed. Furcal hit a line drive homer out to left, but Dubois stole the show with the longest triple in baseball history. Albuquerque's center field goes out to a point in center field that I think is like 434, and they have a hill like in Houston so the wall sits on top of the hill. Dubois crushed one and hit the top of the wall for an easy triple. If he was in the majors, we'd actually have a triple crown winner. Bobby Scales didn't do shit.

If you've ever been to a sporting event and seen Myron Noodleman, I feel sorry for you.
He is awful. Nothing he does is entertaining, he depends on players dancing for his cheers. He's just really brutal, and his gimmick is tired. If you see that he is set to perform at a sporting event, avoid that event. Zooperstars are way better.

People love Tapout shirts. Nearly every person who has one is just a meathead who is trying to pretend he's a real fighter. Ryen Russillo brought up a good point when he said that the reason boxing is better than MMA is at least boxing didn't bring these awful looking t-shirts into our lives. It's really the last argument boxing has, but I really can't refute it.

This last thing from the game is the most depressing. Children dress better than I do. Their threads are much flyer than mine. I'm not even sure if fly is still a good way to describe things. They've got these fancy designs on their t-shirts, or they're wearing nice polos, but either way, they dress much better than I do. Now the issue here is not that I dress poorly, because I have no intentions of changing that, comfort over style baby. The problem is that children should dress shitty. Their kids, they don't need fly threads. Get them old wrestling t-shirts from Goodwill and they'll be fine.

Onto the Lobos:

Things started off great again for me, as I got this Lobos jersey sponsored by a casino. If you see a badass walking around in a number 066 Lobos jersey, it might just be me.

Their in-game entertainment was amazing. They honored people during the first five timeouts of the game. Overall, like 60 people were honored, but unfortunately, their videoboard game stole the show. We all know and love the hidden ball videoboard games where you try to guess where the ball ends up. At New Mexico, they hid the ball in helmets, and started up the video of all the helmets moving around. There was one minor problem at first. They were apparently running Windows 98 on a dial-up connection, because the video would pause and resume and pause and resume. This wasn't a huge deal until it finally had a glitch and completely skipped forward where all of the helmets were in very different places. I still guessed right on where the ball was, because I'm a winner. This shit does not happen in the Big Ten. I can't imagine Iowa fans not being able to raise a burrito as they pump it up.

I saw a ball fumbled forward, picked up by the offense and taken into the end zone. I didn't think that was legal, and I don't think New Mexico did either, because they pulled off the fastest PAT in the history of football. Good for them.

New Mexico's tight end, lined up five yards offsides for one of their plays. That's not an exaggeration, that is a literal statement. He lined up behind the defensive line so he was in front of the row of linebackers, took his stance, then finally realized his mistake and hustled back to the real line of scrimmage before the ball was snapped. This tight end was also New Mexico's best player.

They had parachuters during halftime. Who doesn't love parachuters? Well, me, actually. I thoroughly enjoy watching them, but I can't help but wish for something bad to happen. I don't want their chute to not work and watch them go splat, but seeing them get caught on lights or something would be pretty awesome for a good chuckle.

I saw Iowa coaching legend, Steve Alford, at the game. I decided to text a few buddies to see what I should yell at him. Their responses were:
Gotta go with the hair
Great hair
Your hair is perfect

For some reason, I feel like most Iowa fans may want to yell other things at him. But you do not speak ill of Alford down here, for he is a God. It's awesome; I fit right in. We believe in Steve.

-Joe

P.S. This is the unofficial Charles Bukowski week for the UW blog, so here's another quote about writing from a man who is an absolute genius:
"Most poets, coets, hoets, carrots, can't even write a simple line like "the dog walked down the street." Nothing should ever be done that should be done. It has to come out...like a good hot beer shit. A good hot beer shit is glorious. You get up, you turn around, you look at it, you're proud, the fumes, the stink of the turds, you say, 'God I did it, I'm good.' Then you flush it away, and there's a sense of sadness and just the water is there. It's like writing a good poem, you just do it. It's a beer shit. There's nothing to analyze, there's nothing to say, it's just done. Got it?"

P.P.S. There is a 100% chance that I am going to be busting out some of these moves in Tucson this week, especially the part from 0:43-0:47.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Time to Grow Up Hawkeye Fans

People bragging that this is a Hawkeye state are morons. If you have to take an event to make it the Hawkeye State, then you really don’t believe that it is. Nobody around the world has ever called Iowa the Cyclone State. That’s not a realistic debate. Do you think Indiana ever brags to Purdue that it’s the Hoosier State? No. If they do, they’re morons, because nobody thinks “Indiana? Oh, the Boilermaker State.”

When you start to brag about this being the Hawkeye State after a football win, you are acting like Iowa State fans. When Iowa State surprisingly wins something and claims that it’s the Cyclone State, I laugh, because I think it’s cute. It doesn’t matter, because Iowa is the better institution in just about every conceivable way. Yes, Iowa State does have a higher percentage of dudes, and their chicks are fatter, but let them have those victories. They need them.

I do know where these idiotic thoughts came from. In learning, if we see things over and over again, we tend to make absolute statements. Sometimes these statements are true, 2+2 will always equal 4, the Bears will always have a shitty quarterback, and the Cubs will always find a way to screw things up. These are absolute truths. During our formative years, Iowa struggled, and Iowa State had a win streak, then the teams seemed to go back and forth with wins and losses. The weak-minded started to suspect that the game was a coin flip. I mean, that's the way rivalry games work, right? Wrong. This game is not a coin flip. It’s much more a roll of the dice. And by that, I mean that Hawkeye victories are like landing on a number on a dice. It’s almost a foregone conclusion, but occasionally, you’ll roll it and it’ll get wedged next to something so it’ll end up one of its sides and not land on any particular number. That’s pretty goddamn rare. Much like Iowa State football victories are going to be for the foreseeable future.

Iowa State is like a jilted lover. When you move on from the broad, you do not call to remind her of how awesome you are, because that's just cruel, and she knows what she's missing out on. The same is true for Iowa State fans. As Iowa destroyed them on the field, there was no need to brag about how great we are, because they already knew it. I don't brag to Iowa State fans about a routine victory, and I don't leave used condoms on old lover's beds. I'm too busy winning to brag about it to the losers.

-Joe

P.S. I just had this exchange at the library:
Possibly Retarded Woman: Are you from Illinois?
Me: No, but I am from Iowa.
PRW: Oh, I just noticed your Bears shirt.

This wouldn't have been weird, but I was wearing a Baylor Bears shirt. When I informed her of this, you would have thought I shot thirteen of her twenty-seven cats.

P.P.S. According to this quote from Charles Bukowski, I am at least half way to becoming a real writer, I'll let you decide which half:
"The writer has no responsibility except to jack off in bed alone and type a good page."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

People I Love - Chapter 3: Viacheslav Datsik

I'm sure most of you have never heard of Viacheslav Datsik. That changes today, because you need to be introduced to this amazing human being. Datsik is an MMA fighter. Instead of describing him, I feel this video does the justice for me:

Now you may think that this is just some awful Russian goofball with limited skills. And sure his 4-9 record does not do much to support his prowess in MMA. But hey, two of those losses were DQs, and how was he supposed to know that eye gouging and ball shots were not legal? He thought he was in a fight. Oh yeah, and he has knocked out a former UFC Heavyweight champion.

Suck on that haters. Not only did he knock out Andrei Arlovski, he hit him with a somersault kick to set up the knockout punch. Even after his extensive accomplishments, I only liked Datsik. Then I found out why he hasn't fought since 2003. He's been locked up in a mental institute.

His psychiatrist had this to say about Datsik:

"He behaved like a criminal. A clever criminal. Datsik was aggressive only towards the prisoners (in asylum) and sick inmates. He never attacked the medical staff. He could only try to scare us a little bit. These things are a sign of how well he managed to maintain the critical aspects of his sanity. His intelligence hasn't reduced. He quietly opened his cell, walked through the garden, talking on a cell phone, beating up and crippling other prisoners."

Yeah, so he's just as smart as ever, and he's crippling the weak and sick. But this is where shit got really interesting, because a few weeks ago, he tired of being locked up in a mental institute. He did what any total badass would do, and he tore through the fence using nothing but his bare hands. Being in a psychiatric ward really doesn't seem all that awesome, but escaping anywhere using nothing but your bare hands is goddamn awesome. Oh yeah, and after escaping, he robbed a phone store for some cash and a Nokia phone. Nokia? This guy is fucking old school. I love it.

Some would think that after escaping a mental institute and robbing a phone store, Datsik would like to keep a low profile. But that is not the case. Brock Lesnar, good luck buddy, Datsik is training for his fighting comeback.

So Datsik may run into some problems when he gets his fights, because either he's grown to eight feet tall and 500 pounds, or he's fighting a 12 year old. Either way, he didn't look very dominating, but this is the guy who believed in the devastation of the somersault kick, so he could be playing with everyone. As Roddy Piper famously said, "When you've got the answers, I change the questions." I have no clue what questions Datsik is asking right now, but I certainly no longer have the answers. All I can say is, Viacheslav Datsik, I love you.

-Joe

P.S. Some great advice from my number one love.
JoseCanseco Haters will always lie
That is why I do not trust haters.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Things I Wish I Could Gamble On: Part 1 - Divorce

Let's face it, gambling is fun. Winning money is awesome and losing money really sucks, but it's a shame on how very few things we can gamble on. Yes, we can go to the casino, try our luck at Blackjack, Roulette, or Craps, but calling any of those things great skill is a gross overstatement. Sure, you can use some skills, but it's also a lot of luck.

The other thing that people bet on is sports. Nearly everyone gets involved in some sort of NCAA Basketball pool. Unfortunately, it's only legal in Las Vegas and Delaware. Obviously, people have turned to off-shore betting sites so they can bet online on various sporting events. It basically makes watching the games a ton more fun. Imagine watching Cleveland @ Tampa Bay this weekend, not too exciting, but imagine you having Cleveland +3 for $20. It becomes a shit-ton more exciting, and it will make you do things you never thought you'd do, like cheer for Jake Delhomme.

Still, that isn't nearly enough for people to gamble on. Think about all the things that happen in your everyday life. There are so many things that I wish I was able to gamble on. Some select college students are allowed to bet on their grades. That's fantastic, but I feel like we could really take this to the next level. Here are things I wish I could gamble on.

1. Divorce - This may seem cruel, but we all do it. Whenever I go to a wedding, I assess their chance of success. Although I usually get too drunk to do any real in-depth analysis, I still take a few mental notes on the newly married couple. I also look on our Facebook news feed and notice that so and so got married. I immediately wonder what type of pud/hog that one of my Facebook friends got married to. I quickly look it up, and I assess how long I think they will be married. On the positive side, I sometimes think that it looks like those two will probably have a successful marriage. Other times (quite often), I predict their love to fail. Now, let me say, I'm not hoping that their love fails; but in my head, I'm predicting an awful divorce. It really never goes beyond my thoughts, but imagine if I could gamble on it? Hell yes. Get some buddies involved, have people put money on both sides of the docket and let the fun begin. I think an over/under would be the best and most simple way to make the bets, but you could turn it into a pool form where everybody picks a date for divorce as well.

Not only that, but it would test people's morality. If I'm putting $20 down, with a possibility to win $100, I'm probably not going to sabotage a marriage just to win that money. But if we're putting down $100, and I could win $1000, my morality will be on a case by case basis. If I don't like the groom or bride of a certain wedding, I might secretly type up a letter (ala J-Woww and Snooki) and make sure the person finds out about their spouse's terrible deeds. The question then would become, would I do it because that person is bad and I can win money off of it, or would me winning money off of it make me see that person as bad?

I could also sabotage in an even more fun manner. Face it, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives make guys a lot less fun. They start to mature, and they are perfectly happy hanging out with their lady. I understand where they are coming from, but I do not approve of it any way, shape, or form. Imagine what an epic night you could have if you get your friend away from the ball and chain and everybody gets shit-faced. You then give him a ride home and let him pass out next to his wife...NOT. You hire a prostitute. You have her pose as just another barfly looking for a good time. She seduces him, and bam, you're $1000 richer because of the divorce, and your buddy is going to want to go on the prowl nonstop once he gets divorced to show that broad what she's missing. This is a little thing that I like to call a win-win. I might even call it a win-win-win since your buddy is free again. Sure he goes to a therapist and has already developed a serious drinking problem, but those are minor prices to pay for sexual freedom.

There is nothing that will make me think this is a bad idea.

-Joe

P.S. If you are married and reading this, I totally think your marriage is going to last. People who have good taste in their reading always have good taste in their spouses. I just feel sorry for those suckers not reading this, their marriage has no shot.

P.P.S. I finally found out what hip hop is. It just took a true gangstette to help me understand: Thanks white lady.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Scouting College Football - Week One

Since I think I am good at just about everything, I figured I should really test these things out. I assessed minor league baseball players, analyzed the NFL Draft, and predicted that Derrek Lee would be traded to the Braves after a Troy Glaus injury. Now I will take the next step and start looking into college football and give my opinion of teams and players. Before I get into the nitty gritty, I encourage anyone to share their thoughts on what they see in games as well.

Arizona @ Toledo
First off, my opinions on Toledo are limited, because A) nobody cares, and B) they got rid of Toledo Tom and now have a coach named Toledo Tim. I once drove two hours on a Thursday night just so I could support Toledo against Iowa State in Ames. Evidence of that trip is here:
I'm the guy without the stupid mask.

So onto scouting Arizona. I figure this will probably be far more interesting since most of my readers either love or hate Iowa.

Arizona has five returning starters who are all seniors this year on their offensive line. That would be worrisome, but then you would watch them and not worry so much. I will give them credit in that they did a good job in pass protection to give their QB time to read and pick apart the defense. Still, for these guys all being at the pinnacle of their powers, their push in the run game was very poor. In obvious running situations, the offensive line got no push, and they were eventually responsible for a safety as they had a holding call in the end zone.

Arizona QB Nick Foles was pretty impressive in this game. He put nice touch on the ball on his first touchdown pass towards the back of the end zone. He also showed nice touch on a fade route to the end zone later that the receiver dropped. Arizona kept their routes short, and Foles connected well on those routes. They run the immediate pass to the outside which Iowa has a tendency to struggle with since their corners play off the line of scrimmage quite a bit. When Toledo was able to apply pressure, Foles mechanics really broke down and his accuracy suffered. Since I think the Iowa defensive line should be able to win the battle against Arizona's offensive line, I could definitely see the Hawkeyes giving Foles a lot of trouble. If Foles is given time to throw though, he is smart enough to take what defenses give him and move the ball down the field.

Nic Grigsby is awesome in the open field, and his final cut on his touchdown run was a thing of beauty, but he doesn't run hard between the tackles, so I think he will struggle to get to the second level against good defenses. He's miscast right now, as he does have the necessary attributes to be a good third down back. I'd be worried about him getting the ball on draws or screen passes as that will be his greatest strength.

Most Impressive Offensive Player
The scariest person on Arizona's offense is, without a doubt, Juron Criner. He had eleven catches on 187 yards and had a ridiculous catch on the one (underthrown) deep ball that Nick Foles released. At 6'4", I'm already shuttering as a Hawkeye fan as I remember the James Hardy debacle. Criner is very good at winning the ball in coverage and is able to use his body to create space to make catches. This guy is going to be a tough matchup for teams.

Most Impressive Defensive Player
My favorite Arizona player was defensive end Brooks Reed. He was nonstop hustle, and with the long blonde hair, he definitely reminded me of former Hawkeye, Mitch King. He created problems for the Toledo offensive line with his speed on the outside. Arizona's whole line is dependent on speed, and they are aggressive in pursuing up-field. I could definitely see them struggling against draws and screens because of this. Their line also struggled when the offensive line got their hands on them. Toledo wasn't able to do it often, but their defensive line looked like they were in quicksand when it happened, a lot of flailing around, but they really weren't going anywhere.

Wisconsin @ UNLV
The offensive line is good; this is not groundbreaking news. They were excellent in pass protection, and good in run blocking. I really like John Moffitt as he was able to seal off the defensive tackle and create a good running lane for the Wisconsin backs on multiple occasions.

Tolzien had all day to throw last night, and he did a solid enough job on it. He did throw a Stanzi, but it wasn't a terrible throw, just a really good read by the cornerback.

Clay is a good power back, and it's always fun to see people try to go high on him when tackling. That strategy never works. Montee Ball was unimpressive. He was obviously less powerful than Clay, and although he probably has a speed advantage, he did not display quick feet last night. I liked their third back, James White much more. Fast and quick and can provide a good change of pace from the pounding that they get with Clay.

Most Impressive Offensive Player
I really like Nick Toon as a wide receiver. Good size, and does a good job of utilizing his quickness on his routes.

Most Impressive Defensive Player
Chris Borland is awesome. If you like football at all, watch him play, because it is an absolutely magical experience. He's big, he's fast, he's strong, he's quick, he has good instincts, and he wreaks havoc on the football field. He ended up with only five tackles, but he was all over the field, and he stuffed one run behind the line of scrimmage and also had a sack when he lined up at defensive end on a third down. This guy is just a beast.

Other Notes
Listening to the Hawkeye radio crew is always a pleasure. Dolph dropped this one yesterday, "There is no better person in college football than Ricky Stanzi." My only issue is that he put "in college football" in that sentence. Remove that, and I couldn't agree more.

Adam Robinson ran hard and looked very good yesterday. With Jewel coming though, it will be hard for him to win the "Battle of the A-Robs" against Iowa State.

TCU isn't a great team, but they're a tough team that really can grind out games.

Like most PAC-10 teams, Oregon State can't tackle.

Yep, Michigan has me worried. UConn beat themselves in that game with a ton of mental mistakes. Still, the Michigan offense looks dangerous. They did convert a ridiculous amount of third downs, which seems somewhat lucky. Still, it wouldn't surprise me if dual-threat quarterbacks like Denard Robinson convert more third downs than teams with more conventional quarterbacks, because they can still make something happen even if the downfield coverage is there.

Although all I caught were highlights, was anybody surprised that Jake Locker barely completed 50% of his passes and his team lost? Right now, Jake Locker is a more athletic Kyle Boller.

-Joe

P.S. Jose needs to get back on steroids, because it looks like his head is going to explode just by holding up an extra 120 pounds (I have no clue how to estimate lady weight, but that seems reasonable).

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Why Not?

On the verge of college football season beginning, I keep asking myself one question, why not? Every Iowa fan seems to be coming up with tons of reasons as to why this can't be a special season for the Hawkeyes, but I keep coming back to the question of why not? Is this a perfect team? No. But is it fatally flawed in any discernible way? Not that I can see. Let's go through the biggest worries for Hawkeye fans in 2010.

Although inexperienced, the offensive line will be better than most people think this year. If there is one coach to help an offensive line come together quickly, that coach would have to be Kirk Ferentz. They are constantly challenged by what may be the best defensive line in the nation which will help the team fix mistakes before they become problems. Brian Bulaga was a first round pick last year, and Riley Reiff was more impressive than him on the offensive line last year. The offensive line isn't going to be as good as Wisconsin's, but it will still be good. Why not?

The secondary is not going to fall off from last year, even with losing Amari Spievey. Yes, he basically cut off half the field for passing attacks last year. That is going to be incredibly tough to replace, but Shaun Prater did a good job at CB2 last year, and Micah Hyde just keeps being more and more impressive than people want to give him credit for. Also, Iowa's system helped make Spievey look better in coverage than he may have actually been. He's already been moved to safety for the Lions. Although they may not be All Big Ten this year, these are still solid corners who will not remind us the James Hardy Nightmare. Iowa's secondary can be just as good as last year's. Why not?

The linebackers are going to take small step backwards, but I put the emphasis on small. Hawkeye linebackers are always good. They're not always great. It's not always Abdul Hodge, Chad Greenway, or AJ Edds, but they're always good. Iowa linebackers have always produced. Even when things were at their worst, guys like Mike Humpal and Mike Klinkenborg (who was part human/part robot) did a very good job at the linebacker position. Tyler Nielsen has been groomed to replace Edds, and Tarpinian has shown himself to be such a good cover linebacker that the Hawkeyes often brought him in on third down for that very reason. To say these linebackers are going to be better than the 2009 version would be wishful thinking, but that doesn't mean that they aren't still going to be good. Why not?

The running game will be much better this year. And it wasn't bad last year. Yes, I know that we will no longer be celebrating Wegher Bombs this year. And yes, I know that Paki is #2 on the depth chart for the first game of the season. But we have the "crown jewel" of the backfield making his return in Jewel Hampton. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about Jewel, because I know that serious leg injuries usually take two years to fully recover. But still, medicine and rehab is only getting better so there's no reason that guys can't get back to peak performance quicker. This is the evolution of medicine, this is the evolution of Iowa's running game. A-Rob will definitely improve from a very good Freshman year, but Jewel will be the next great Iowa running back. Why not?

Iowa will be good enough on the road. It is well known that the Hawkeyes have a history of struggling on the road, especially early in the season. I don't expect the Hawkeyes to play amazing football on the road, but I do expect them to be good. This year, that's all it should take. Iowa's road schedule is set up perfectly for them to end up 5-0. First off is Arizona in a night game. If anybody watched PAC-10 football last year, they'd realize that none of those teams were taught the art of tackling. That's kind of a big deal in football. Plus, I will be there, extremely inebriated, and cheering the team on, so that's got to help, right? Michigan? Definitely a tough game as Iowa tends to struggle against the spread offense, but they also are playing not one, not two, but three quarterbacks. Does that sound like a good idea to anyone? If that doesn't sell you, Michigan has no defense so it's tough for me to worry too much about them. Indiana? Yeah, that's a win. Northwestern? I know that we have struggled, but they have gotten ridiculously lucky against the Hawkeyes. Stanzi will have his revenge. And Minnesota? You're joking, right? They lost to Iowa State last year, so that matchup has me only slightly more worried than Ball State. Iowa doesn't have to be perfect, and I think they're plenty good enough to avoid a slip-up on the road. Why not?

Iowa will beat Ohio State. And they'll also win all of their other home games. But let's face it, Ohio State is the game everybody is most worried about. Ohio State is a great team. They have a ton of talent, and they are well coached. They have gotten the better of the Hawkeyes. These are all things that I completely recognize. But are they going to come into Kinnick and beat the Hawkeyes? No, they're not. Our defensive line did not do a good enough job stopping the run in that game. Everybody's back, and they're going to make sure there is not another repeat performance. Terrelle Pryor looked like a solid quarterback against Oregon in the Rose Bowl last year. The PAC-10 does not know how to tackle, so needless to say, I was unimpressed. Ohio State is going to have to depend on Pryor's decision making abilities for the Buckeyes to win this game. With that being the case, I like the Hawkeyes chances. I think this game comes right down to the wire. Luckily, this year, Iowa will have their leader taking over in the fourth quarter. Ricky Stanzi's gonna win this one for America. Why not?

-Joe

P.S. If every person who has ever played quarterback in the history of football was asked what is worse than throwing an interception, none of them would come up with an answer half as awesome as Ricky Stanzi's (The greatness begins at about 1:40).

This man loves America more than I will ever love anything or anyone in my entire life.