Thursday, September 1, 2011

The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Last year, I wrote a post entitled, "Why Not?" in reference to the 2010 Iowa Hawkeye football team. As far as predictions went, it couldn't have gone much more horribly. I predicted a 12-0 regular season, and Iowa instead turned in a 7-5 regular season. Whoops. So this year, I figured I would give it another try, because it's not like I can do much worse than last year's epic failure. Let's break it down game by game and see where the Hawks will end up this year.

9/3 - Tennesse Tech @ Iowa
This is going to be a slaughter. Just look forward to our first glimpse of AJ Derby in the fourth quarter of this game. This may also be the game where Jason White loses the #2 running back job to Mika'il McCall.

9/10 Iowa @ Iowa State
There is one name that keeps coming up from Iowa State fans when I talk to them about this game: Steele Jantz. Quarterbacks have to be good decision makers, so it's really tough for me to be worried about a guy who decided this was a good haircut:
Nice 'do bro.

On a slightly more serious note, Iowa State is a team that I see on the upswing. I wouldn't be shocked if they were in the conference championship game in five years. Sure, that conference will be the MAC, but a conference championship is a conference championship. Congratulations Cyclones. So although I don't see it being quite as bad of a beating as the last couple years, Iowa wins by double digits. My gut told me 24-13, but that would require Iowa State getting in the end zone, so my brain tells me 24-6.

9/17 - Pittsburgh @ Iowa
Pittsburgh has a new coach that is installing the high-powered spread offense that he had at Tulsa. If this game was next year, I'd be worried, but three games into the season, I think the Hawkeye defense does enough on offense and the defense forces some turnovers. 3-0.

9/24 University of Louisiana Monroe @ Iowa
Hooray, more AJ Derby. 4-0.

10/1 BYE
Ladies, set up your lovemaking sessions for this weekend, because without any Iowa football to distract me, I'll actually focus on you.

10/8 Iowa @ Penn State
Matt McGloin or Rob Bolden? Bolden's got no heart, and McGloin's got no soul. Oh yeah, and Joe Paterno's coaching against Kirk Ferentz. History repeats itself and Iowa cruises to 5-0.

10/15 Northwestern @ Iowa
This is Iowa's one night game, and there is no worse opponent than Northwestern. Somehow, these guys have Iowa's number and upset them every damn year. Northwestern are just awful people. Two years ago, they took an illegal shot on America's favorite son, Ricky Stanzi. Last year, Dan Persa made a deal with the devil that he would rupture his achilles tendon if the devil would guarantee them victory. Northwestern also thinks this is a rivalry; it's not. Iowa doesn't psych themselves up for Northwestern, although Northwestern takes the Iowa State mentality and thinks this is their entire season.

So what's going to happen? I hate to say it, but the streak continues...Iowa's winning streak that is. James Vandenberg makes the necessary plays in the fourth quarter, because as we all know, Mox is a Fox (Varsity Blues joke, because that's topical). Hawkeyes go to 6-0.

10/22 Indiana @ Iowa
Iowa will win this game. Wait, hold on a second...just looking up something...and...yep, James Hardy has not petitioned for another year of eligibility, so Iowa will win this game, 7-0.

10/29 Iowa @ Minnesota
There won't be ice covering the field at the end of October, and Iowa also won't shit the bed this year. Floyd comes home, and Iowa goes to 8-0.

11/5 Michigan @ Iowa
Yes, Michigan's defense should be somewhat better. But Denard Robinson isn't going to be as good. Say what you want about Rich Rodriguez, the guy knows offense, and Michigan no longer has any offensive mind anywhere near RichRod's. I like Brady Hoke, but it'll take a few years for him to get the personnel to excel in his system. If it was at Michigan, I'd be concerned. It's not, so Iowa takes care of business, 9-0.

11/12 Michigan State @ Iowa
I'm not sure if anyone's ever seen Kirk Cousins throw a football. Dude's got intangibles coming out of his ass, but that doesn't mean he's a good quarterback. I am intangibly great, but I'm not a very good darts player. Things happen that way sometimes. The media would have you believe that Kirk Cousins is the next Peyton Brady. He's not. And just like last year, him and his boys will get smoked by the 10-0 Hawkeyes.

11/19 Iowa @ Purdue
RIVALRY GAME! That's right, West Lafeyetters, you're going to have to deal with the Hawkeyes every year. Purdue and Iowa have a storied past. I'll never forget Drew Brees, Kyle Orton, and...other Purdue football player. But suck on this, Boilermakers.
Purdue? More like Purdon't. Yeah, expect burns like that as we deny your pathetic request for a trophy for this game. Iowa uses their long-standing hatred of Purdue to go 11-0.

11/25 - Iowa @ Nebraska
The inaugural Heroes Game. An Iowa hero is Nile Kinnick. A Nebraska hero is Lawrence Phillips. Nebraskans seriously can't tell the difference in heroism between those two. Nebraska has T-Magic on offense, so if they put up a touchdown before Mike Daniels uses him to floss his teeth; I'll be shocked. Jared Crick will be manhandled by Big Ten offensive linemen. Lavonte David is pretty good, and Alfonzo Dennard is off the chain. I don't expect a ton of scoring in this game, but there is no doubt that Iowa will come out on top after a late touchdown pass from Moxon (James Vandenberg) to Tweeder (Keenan Davis) for the victory. Iowa goes to 12-0 before heading to the Big Ten Title game.

So, as you can see, I learned from my lessons last, crap. I did it again. But the B1G sucks this year, so it's not like Iowa couldn't run the table on these fools. A man has the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic about his favorite college football team. Yet again, I am choosing the former and predicting another undefeated regular season for the Hawkeyes.

I mean, why not?


P.S. Here are two of the greatest athletes ever hanging out together. You would think they have nothing in common, but people can always come together against Shawn Michaels:
Yeah, if football hadn't gotten in the way, Walter Payton definitely could have been a world heavyweight champion.

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