The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

The Debut of the New World Order

The nWo is probably my favorite big pro wrestling thing ever. I mean, yeah, who doesn't love the Katie Vick saga, and Dr. D David Schultz calling Hulk Hogan a cross-dressing homosexual? Those are great small things, but the nWo is the coolest thing that pro wrestling has ever provided us.

But before it became too big and was half-filled with jobbers like Vincent and Horace Hogan, even before Hulk Hogan turned heel for the first time, before Big Sexy, Kevin Nash, joined up, it all started with one man, Scott Hall.

Before Hall even showed up, it was already a momentous occasion, as it was the first ever two-hour Nitro. Two-hour Nitros are hilarious in that no matter what is going on, they will shoot off fireworks the second that hour two starts. They literally just start blowing off fireworks in the middle of matches every other week, because they don't know how to time things out.

It was a solid show, but it was given an exclamation point with the appearance from Scott Hall. Not only did Hall make a surprise appearance, but he came out in jeans and a denim vest to let everyone that he is BOUT DAT LIFE.

Hall actually did a great job of making it seem like he was still with WWE. He made WCW seem white trash while referring to Billionaire Ted, Nacho Man, and Scheme Gene, names that all came from WWE's worst long-running gimmick ever, instead of using their real names.

I will say that Scott Hall struggled more when he confronted the announce team of Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan as he keeps repeating himself as he doesn't quite get his lines right the first time. Still, Bischoff and especially Heenan do a great job of selling it.

The next week, he shows up in the same Canadian Business Casual look. He basically says the same thing again, but this time Sting slaps him. He then says that he has a big surprise, and the rest, as they say, is history. Overall, it was a memorable first step, which led to one of the most iconic stables in wrestling history.

Oh, and if you're wondering what was going on at the same time on Raw. WWE competed with Goldust making out with Ahmed Johnson. That is the 100% truth, so...yeah, the Attitude Era, a true golden age of wrestling.

Oz - The Most WCW Gimmick Ever

The crown jewel of the WWE Network is all of their WCW stuff. I was a WWE kid, so the early years are all a total mystery to me, and you get to find out how great people like the Fabulous Freebirds were. Then you get into the Nitro years where things are legitimately great with the Cruiserweight division for great matches and the nWo which is basically the Michael Jordan of wrestling factions. Then the final two years are probably the most amazing of all, as it is so amazingly bad that I cannot help to enjoy it.

The one thing that I learned from the early years is that WCW was great at identifying talent but truly awful at developing that talent. They had Triple H, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash well before they became big stars in the WWE, but they weren't able to do anything of note with those guys. Today, I want to focus on Nash who had three awful gimmicks in WCW. At first, he was one half of a tag team called the Master Blasters, then he became Oz, followed by a run as Vinnie Vegas. They were all bad, but I believe Oz had that special something that truly made it stand out awful.

Kevin Nash was a big guy who moved well, had a good look, and the ability to at least form complete sentences. To have a guy like that, you would think you could just send him out, let him dominate, and reap the profits of creating a new star. Instead, they gave him a shitty tag team and made him a Vegas Wiseguy. In between was Oz, and Oz was somehow the worst. My favorite thing, by far, is that WCW creative had a conversation that went something like this:

Executive 1: We've got this big guy with a great look and a lot of charisma, how can we capitalize?
Executive 2: Considering we already gave the guy one half of the Master Blasters, I'm not sure if we can do much better.
Executive 1: Heh heh, Master Blasters. That was a good one.
Executive 2: Yeah, it's what I call my weiner.
Executive 1: Me too (high five). But what if we went with something that was popular right now?
Executive 2: Popular now?
Executive 1: Yeah, like WWF had success with music, so what if we did television or movies?
Executive 2: Movies? I like that. The great thing about movies is that they are timeless.
Executive 1: That's a great point?
Executive 2: And therefore what was once hot shall always be hot.
Executive 1: So even something that is 62 years old is still a great idea for a wrestling gimmick.
Executive 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Executive 1 and 2 (simultaneously): WIZARD OF OZ GIMMICK!
Executive 1: Oh man, that is perfect.
Executive 2: It will really appeal to the new generation, and wrestling fans will really identify with a a movie that has a woman as the protagonist as we have such a large population of female viewers.
Executive 1: Yeah, the only gimmick that would be better would be a Vegas gambler, but let's keep that as our ace in the hole.

I mean, just look at this debut video from Oz. It's incredible in how ill conceived it was.

As stupid as the Great Wizard is, that isn't even near the same level of stupidity as fake gray beard. When I first watched this, I was speechless. After watching it again (and again), only one thought is going through my mind: Bring back WCW immediately.

1-2-3 Kid Beating Razor Ramon Was The First Iconic Moment of Monday Night Raw

X-Pac is one of the most reviled characters in wrestling history. He has been made infamous through the term "X-Pac Heat" where people do not boo you because you are a bad guy, they boo you because they just want you to go away. But well before that, he started off as a random jobber but became part of the first iconic moment in the history of Monday Night Raw.

During his first appearance on Raw, he was billed as the Kamikaze Kid. He lost. The next week he was the Cannonball Kid. He lost. Through all of these early matches it said "L. Kid" with thunder bolts on his tights so he likely started as The Lightning Kid, but I suppose it is possible that he was just given a horribly misinformed Luchador gimmick.

After losing week after week, he came out simply as The Kid to face Razor Ramon, a guy so bad, he was known as The Bad Guy. It should be noted that Raw was a fledgling show that was not yet as important as some of the other more established shows that the WWE was producing at that time. Because of that, it was fairly formulaic. There was usually one match between two actual superstars, and outside of that, it was jobber squash matches. This definitely figured to be the latter as Razor Ramon was getting a push as a top heel and The Kid was basically a joke.


Razor Ramon slapped The Kid around like the jabroni that he was and looked well on his way to victory. Razor missed one move and it gave The Kid the opportunity to hit him with a moonsault and get the surprise three count while 69ing him.

This led The Kid being dubbed the 1-2-3 Kid and using that momentum to "win" $10,000 from Razor Ramon and then beating The Million Dollar Man (he was very good against rich people). After that, he became a tag team champion with both Marty Jannetty and later with "Spark Plug" Bob Holly before later changing his gimmick and being one of the most hated people in wrestling history. Still, even the haters cannot take away how important that moment was when he was able to shock the dedicated wrestling fan world and beat Razor Ramon on Monday Night Raw.

The only other argument for first iconic moment that can be made is Mr. Perfect beating Ric Flair in a Loser Leaves Town match. It was an important moment, but Ric Flair is about as non-Raw as it gets when it comes to wrestling in the 90s, so I can't give it to him and Perfect. Plus, it is impossible to give credence to anything that involved Rob Bartlett on commentary.

That is why The 1-2-3 Kid beating Razor Ramon has to be considered the first iconic moment of Monday Night Raw.

Fantasy Basketball Picture

My team is The Outsiders, because I have Steve Nash and Jrue Hol(iday). Also, photoshop is for losers; MS Paint 4 Life!

ESPN makes you use images from the web, so now everyone can enjoy my art. You're welcome.

Also, here is our first promo:

Jrue Hol(iday): Hey yo. We've been takin' a little survey, and we want to know if you're with us...or against us. So who here came to see TheElevenOtherCrappyTeamsInThisLeague? (Boos with a hint of polite golf applause) And who here came to see The Outsiders? (Huge applause) Sounds like another one for the good guys.

Steve Nash: Because we are too sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

A Review of ICP's Big Money Rustlas

The Insane Clown Posse. They're an interesting crew. Lately, Juggalos have received more cultural relevance after being portrayed on the two best shows on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Workaholics. Still, ICP and their fans are faygo drinking pieces of shit. There's no Nobel Prize coming from that group, but, on the other hand, there could be an Oscar heading their way.

Yes, although ICP is not the best with music or redeemable qualities, they do occasionally make movies. Big Money Hustlas was made way back in 2000, and I still can't believe it, but it was actually an entertaining movie. It is probably not a good movie, but that's hard to do when your characters names are Harry Cox, Big Stank, and Mick Foley as Cactus Sac. Still, it's got Harland Williams, and Harland Williams fucking owns.

With that being said, I was extremely excited to see that their next film, Big Money Rustlas (ten years in the making) was On Demand for my viewing pleasure. This would have been super topical, but Grantland ran a review of the movie last week. Although they hit most of the important scenes, like Grantland is wont to do, they used about 20,000 too many words in the process. Let's hit the important parts (and guest appearances) together as I relive the magic that is Big Money Rustlas.

It's an old school Western movie, and within the first two minutes, there are four murders by the fat guy from ICP, Big Baby Chips. We will meet the good guy later, played by the skinny guy in ICP, Sheriff Sugar Wolf. His mother's name is Handjob Hannah...obviously.

Then we meet the Mexican Sign Guy, who is played by noneother than SCOTT HALL. Oh, fuck yeah. He immediately starts talking about how he is going to bang the widows those men left behind. Seriously, Scott Hall steals the show in this movie. It is pure magic every time they give him screen time. Is he shitfaced in every scene? You bet your ass he is. That man is nWo 4 Life.

The Sheriff is about to drink the water from the local well, but Dirty Sanchez stops him with the best line of the movie, "It's as polluted as a fat chick's ass after running a marathon with no underwear on." Yes, the writing in this movie is inspired to say the least.

Then who shows up? "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart. He's winning a bunch of money playing poker until they smash his hand with a hammer for cheating. I would have liked to see his character develop more than begging for mercy for 30 of his 45 seconds of screen time. Honestly, if you're not concerned about plot, but love seeing hilarious cameos, this movie was made for you. Let's do a quick rundown of some other notable celebrity guest appearances:

Vanilla Ice heckles The Sheriff.
Jay from Jay and Silent Bob becomes a deputy.
An outhouse blows up, and who's there? Screech! He complains about not getting a chance to wipe.
Sabu shows up at the end, and there is a Paul Orndorff reference earlier in the film.

God damn, that's a pretty good list of cameos. Nice job, ICP.

The second best line of the movie comes from Sheriff Sugar Wolf, who tries to seduce a midget, "Maybe, sometime if you're not busy, we could get together, and I could pull outta that little ass of yours." The line works in the sense that the midget does become his girlfriend, but it also doesn't work as it turns out that midget is actually a dude (hence the ass play), so not sure if I'm gonna try using that line at the clubs anytime soon.

And then the movie ends in the most unpredictable way imaginable, unless of course you have seen a movie before, in which case you will see it coming from a mile away.

So what did we learn today? Although the Insane Clown Posse's music is awful, their movies are...ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Their movies are awful too. If this review seemed positive, it is because I avoided talking about the plot. Big Money Hustlas was entertaining, this was not as inspired of an effort. But they did put Scott Hall in it, and there is no doubt that Scott Hall is awesome.

Fuck the Juggalos, I'm nWo 4 Life.

The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Last year, I wrote a post entitled, "Why Not?" in reference to the 2010 Iowa Hawkeye football team. As far as predictions went, it couldn't have gone much more horribly. I predicted a 12-0 regular season, and Iowa instead turned in a 7-5 regular season. Whoops. So this year, I figured I would give it another try, because it's not like I can do much worse than last year's epic failure. Let's break it down game by game and see where the Hawks will end up this year.

9/3 - Tennesse Tech @ Iowa
This is going to be a slaughter. Just look forward to our first glimpse of AJ Derby in the fourth quarter of this game. This may also be the game where Jason White loses the #2 running back job to Mika'il McCall.

9/10 Iowa @ Iowa State
There is one name that keeps coming up from Iowa State fans when I talk to them about this game: Steele Jantz. Quarterbacks have to be good decision makers, so it's really tough for me to be worried about a guy who decided this was a good haircut:

Nice 'do bro.

On a slightly more serious note, Iowa State is a team that I see on the upswing. I wouldn't be shocked if they were in the conference championship game in five years. Sure, that conference will be the MAC, but a conference championship is a conference championship. Congratulations Cyclones. So although I don't see it being quite as bad of a beating as the last couple years, Iowa wins by double digits. My gut told me 24-13, but that would require Iowa State getting in the end zone, so my brain tells me 24-6.

9/17 - Pittsburgh @ Iowa
Pittsburgh has a new coach that is installing the high-powered spread offense that he had at Tulsa. If this game was next year, I'd be worried, but three games into the season, I think the Hawkeye defense does enough on offense and the defense forces some turnovers. 3-0.

9/24 University of Louisiana Monroe @ Iowa
Hooray, more AJ Derby. 4-0.

10/1 BYE
Ladies, set up your lovemaking sessions for this weekend, because without any Iowa football to distract me, I'll actually focus on you.

10/8 Iowa @ Penn State
Matt McGloin or Rob Bolden? Bolden's got no heart, and McGloin's got no soul. Oh yeah, and Joe Paterno's coaching against Kirk Ferentz. History repeats itself and Iowa cruises to 5-0.

10/15 Northwestern @ Iowa
This is Iowa's one night game, and there is no worse opponent than Northwestern. Somehow, these guys have Iowa's number and upset them every damn year. Northwestern are just awful people. Two years ago, they took an illegal shot on America's favorite son, Ricky Stanzi. Last year, Dan Persa made a deal with the devil that he would rupture his achilles tendon if the devil would guarantee them victory. Northwestern also thinks this is a rivalry; it's not. Iowa doesn't psych themselves up for Northwestern, although Northwestern takes the Iowa State mentality and thinks this is their entire season.

So what's going to happen? I hate to say it, but the streak continues...Iowa's winning streak that is. James Vandenberg makes the necessary plays in the fourth quarter, because as we all know, Mox is a Fox (Varsity Blues joke, because that's topical). Hawkeyes go to 6-0.

10/22 Indiana @ Iowa
Iowa will win this game. Wait, hold on a second...just looking up something...and...yep, James Hardy has not petitioned for another year of eligibility, so Iowa will win this game, 7-0.

10/29 Iowa @ Minnesota
There won't be ice covering the field at the end of October, and Iowa also won't shit the bed this year. Floyd comes home, and Iowa goes to 8-0.

11/5 Michigan @ Iowa
Yes, Michigan's defense should be somewhat better. But Denard Robinson isn't going to be as good. Say what you want about Rich Rodriguez, the guy knows offense, and Michigan no longer has any offensive mind anywhere near RichRod's. I like Brady Hoke, but it'll take a few years for him to get the personnel to excel in his system. If it was at Michigan, I'd be concerned. It's not, so Iowa takes care of business, 9-0.

11/12 Michigan State @ Iowa
I'm not sure if anyone's ever seen Kirk Cousins throw a football. Dude's got intangibles coming out of his ass, but that doesn't mean he's a good quarterback. I am intangibly great, but I'm not a very good darts player. Things happen that way sometimes. The media would have you believe that Kirk Cousins is the next Peyton Brady. He's not. And just like last year, him and his boys will get smoked by the 10-0 Hawkeyes.

11/19 Iowa @ Purdue
RIVALRY GAME! That's right, West Lafeyetters, you're going to have to deal with the Hawkeyes every year. Purdue and Iowa have a storied past. I'll never forget Drew Brees, Kyle Orton, and...other Purdue football player. But suck on this, Boilermakers.

Purdue? More like Purdon't. Yeah, expect burns like that as we deny your pathetic request for a trophy for this game. Iowa uses their long-standing hatred of Purdue to go 11-0.

11/25 - Iowa @ Nebraska
The inaugural Heroes Game. An Iowa hero is Nile Kinnick. A Nebraska hero is Lawrence Phillips. Nebraskans seriously can't tell the difference in heroism between those two. Nebraska has T-Magic on offense, so if they put up a touchdown before Mike Daniels uses him to floss his teeth; I'll be shocked. Jared Crick will be manhandled by Big Ten offensive linemen. Lavonte David is pretty good, and Alfonzo Dennard is off the chain. I don't expect a ton of scoring in this game, but there is no doubt that Iowa will come out on top after a late touchdown pass from Moxon (James Vandenberg) to Tweeder (Keenan Davis) for the victory. Iowa goes to 12-0 before heading to the Big Ten Title game.

So, as you can see, I learned from my lessons last yea...aw, crap. I did it again. But the B1G sucks this year, so it's not like Iowa couldn't run the table on these fools. A man has the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic about his favorite college football team. Yet again, I am choosing the former and predicting another undefeated regular season for the Hawkeyes.

I mean, why not?

-Joe

P.S. Here are two of the greatest athletes ever hanging out together. You would think they have nothing in common, but people can always come together against Shawn Michaels:

Yeah, if football hadn't gotten in the way, Walter Payton definitely could have been a world heavyweight champion.