Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Jose Canseco Is Fighting Shaq...Kind Of...But Not Really

Jose Canseco has been making a killing with his lucrative autograph signing business in Vegas. I am saying that with absolutely no knowledge of the situation outside of the two photos that Jose has posted to his Twitter where he is signing things and it appears customers are nearby.

But just because Jose is busy working doesn't mean he isn't patrolling the Twitter newsfeeds of other famous athletes to make sure nobody is talking shit about him. It's a good thing too, because Shaquille O'Neal happened to be talking smack about our unflappable hero.

Apparently Shaq was unaware that Jose is from the streets. I mean, he's so street hood that he's very nearly homeless. And the homeless don't take kindly to people offering up opportunities to make money, especially when it involves violence. Shaq must be unfamiliar with Bum Fights.


 Jose Canseco 

I accept shaqs challenge to fight him let's get it on .
Was there ever any doubt? Jose backs down from no man. He doesn't always win, and sometimes he is unable to show up, but he never backs down. But as great of news as this is, it does not compare to his next tweet.

 Jose Canseco 

Shaq tell ur girlfriend Dana white to make Thu fight happen
Oh, SNAP! He is implying that both Shaquille O'Neal and Dana White are homosexuals. Not only that, but since Jose is up on the news, he is shoving it in their face that gay marriage has not been legalized in most states. Boom, Shaq and Dana will have to stay in a homosexual relationship without the benefits of marriage keeping them together. That is some harsh shit-talk, but I would expect nothing less from a man who is willing to go out in public like this:
Jose Canseco is no nancy boy; that's for sure.

Also, you may have thought that Jose Canseco had a classic Canseco misspelling when he wrote "Thu fight" in place of "the fight", but this is not the case. He was actually asking for a Thursday fight, because that's his day off at the Mandalay Bay. Smart move, Jose. This is not the best time to have to look for a new job. Trust me, I know.

-Joe

P.S. This photo from @si_vault is so awesome that it left me speechless at first. Ladies and gentlemen, a young Andre The Giant:

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Job Search - Part Four


Another week of disappointment as I continue my streak of unemployment. Luckily, the holidays came, so I got a short week of applying for jobs. Yes, I know I don't have a job, so the holidays really shouldn't stop my job hunting, but employers do have holidays and they really don't post many jobs over a holiday weekend. All in all it was a slow week, but let's review things from last week.

Jobs I Applied For:
Monday
Texas Stars – Account Executive
Evolutionary Enterprises – Registration Representative
Philadelphia Flyers – Sales Associate
University of Texas at San Antonio – Account Executive
Sacramento River Cats – Coordinator, Public Relations & Baseball Operations
Louisiana Tech – Ticket Sales Consultant

Tuesday
Providence Bruins – Manager of Sponsorship Services
Superior Techincal Resources – Marketing Communications Specialist
Medix Staffing Solutions – Customer Service Representative
Fishman Public Relations – Media Relations Specialist
San Diego Padres – Season Ticket Account Specialist
Mentor Network – Program Coordinator
Ebix – Client Service Analyst

Wednesday
Delmarva Shorebirds – Business Development Executive
Bridgepoint Education – Student Services Coordinator
Ashford University – Campus Admissions Counselor

Best Job: University of Texas at San Antonio - Account Executive
San Antonio is supposed to be a pretty cool town. Plus it gives me an in with co-eds. Not only will I be the best looking person down there, but I'll also be employed. I've heard that chicks dig employment.

Most Hilarious Job: Mentor Network - Program Coordinator
Who would be better to be a mentor than a person like me? My programs will include lessons on pro wrestling, MMA, and picking up chicks. So yeah, I can't imagine I won't get this job.


Best Story - Durpee Doo
So my confidence has been rising with this job search as I have had some good interviews, and my natural arrogance always makes me feel better than I probably should. This past week, I had a friend of a friend with an in at an employment agency, but I told him to wait off because I was close on a couple job opportunities. Within two hours, both of those opportunities had vanished into thin air. So, yeah, I'm going to talk to him about looking into that for me.

So not much this week. Hopefully something weird happens this week, so I have a more exciting update. Actually, maybe I should hope for a job happening, since that would probably be better. Shit, who am I kidding? I'd way rather get a good story out of this.

-Joe

P.S. I don't have much, so here's an article about a pharmacist in a small town in Colorado. I know that doesn't sound interesting, but it's a pretty damn good story.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Today At The Gym

As I have stated, here, here, here, and here, I really hate idiots at the gym. It is so easy to have proper etiquette at the gym, yet the majority of the population somehow fails in this regard.

So these two nancy boys walk in. Now, I'm not saying that they were homosexuals, I'm saying they were nancy boys. There is just as good of a chance of them liking girls as guys, but if they do like girls, I hope they like big girls, because these fairies are going to need protection. And to be fair, one guy actually looked kind of normal at first glance, but he was getting personal training from a guy in black shorts, black tanktop, barbed wire tattoo, and goatee, this "personal trainer" was the nanciest boy that ever nancied.

As an aside, unless you are a fat guy or a professional wrestler, you should not have a goatee. End of discussion.

Back to the story at hand. These two nancies are prancing around and doing a very high paced workout with weights that I would probably get my mom started on if she wanted to workout. I couldn't hide my smirk as I saw these two going around to different equipment as they got their swoll on. I know that makes me an asshole, but whenever I see the blind leading the blind, I refrain from taking pity on them and instead just enjoy the show.

Then their nancy boy show interfered with my workout.

Before I get into their transgression, let me be up front about something. Monday is chest day for me, and chest day is my least considerate day. Since I do dumbbell presses with at least 90 pound weights, I like to just leave them on the bench I'm using as I circuit train my way around to different stations. This is not too big of a deal, because there are plenty of benches, and the only guys strong enough to use those dumbbells prefer to do bench press instead of dumbbell presses.

But these fucking morons had a different plan. In the middle of my workout, I see them moving my 90 pound dumbbells off of the bench, despite their being an open bench right fucking next to the one I was using. As ridiculous as this maneuver was, they managed to one-up themselves by then proceeding to use the bench that was open the entire time, while not doing shit with the bench that they had just cleared off. I have seen people shadow box shirtless in the gym, and yet that made more sense to me than the maneuver these nancy boys pulled off.

When I go to the gym, I go there to get out as fast as possible while getting my swell on. I did not have time to deal with those two as honestly it wasn't worth me sacrificing my workout to deal with them. Plus, I didn't want to get arrested  for murdering two people using nothing but headbutts.

Later on, they ended their workout with shadow boxing.

Of course they did.

-Joe

P.S. Here's an awesome music video from Ronnie James Dio, because Dio is to rocking hard as those two nancy boys are two nancying.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Job Search - Part Three

Another day, another dollar...well, not really for me, but for others, I'm sure they are experiencing that. This is another week in the journey of my unemployment. Let's go over the jobs I applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job, and the best story from the week.

Jobs Applied For:
Monday
Chicagoland Speedway – Manager of Stragetic Alliances
Utah Grizzlies – Corporate Partnership Account Executive
WWE – Note Taker

Tuesday
Visalia Rawhide – Community Relations Coordinator
Zinger Property Group – Customer Service Representative
Daytona International Speedway – Guest Services Representative
International Bowling Campus – Director of Membership Development
New England Revolution – Account Executive
Bowie Baysox – Group Events Manager
Philadelphia Wings – Account Executive
Milwaukee Bucks - Corporate Partnership Services Coordinator
Savannah Sand Gnats – Group Sales Manager
Minnesota Wild – Account Executive of New Business Development

Wednesday
Staten Island Yankees – Sales & Marketing Coordinator
Unnamed Frontier League Team – Corporate Sales Manager
ALLI – Partnership Sales Coordinator
San Diego Padres - Manager of Partnership Fulfillment
Canton Charge – Business Development Specialist
Texas Legends – Account Executive

Thursday
Los Angeles Dodgers – Corporate Sales Account Executive
Mather LifeWays – Community Resource Arranger
Valcom – Client Services Representative
Mack & Associates – Office Manager
Memphis Grizzlies - Coordinator of Corporate Partnership Services
Milwaukee Brewers – Ticket Services Lead
Talladega Superspeedway – Ticket Operations Manager
USA Rugby - Competitions Management Coordinator
Columbus Crew – Account Executive
Columbus Crew – Fan Retention Coordinator

Friday
Associated Research – Customer Support Representative
MRI Network – Customer Service Manager
TMone – Customer Service Agent
Charter Steel – Customer Service Representative
John Deere – Senior Sales & Service Representative
IMG Academies – Soccer Business Manager
USA Rugby – Fundraising Manager
Cintas – Customer Service Representative
San Francisco 49ers – Sales Consultant
Midwest-CBK – Account Manager

Best Job: WWE - Note Taker
It's the WWE, so yeah, I would gladly work for them. There may be no greater company in the world. So being a Note Taker for the WWE may be the greatest honor I could ever receive. Although, I would gladly take any job with the WWE, here would be my three most ideal jobs:

3. Internet Title Security
2. Dolph Ziggler's Wingman
1. Kelly Kelly's Wardrobe Consultant

I'm not proud to say it, but I would definitely join the Vince McMahon "Kiss My Ass" Club for any of these positions, even the Note Taker.

Funniest Job: International Bowling Campus - Director of Membership Development
What the hell is the International Bowling Campus? Good question, but I decided not to look into it until just now, because Director of Membership Development sounded like a bomb-ass job for someone with my skillset. Did it deal with bowling? Did it deal with NCAA Bowl Games? Did it involve fancy cereal bowls? Unfortunately, it was the first one, but that's still pretty cool, right? Well, it's cool enough. Plus, it would be such an honor to work with great athletes such as these guys...
Hooray Athletes!

Best Story: Are You Serious Bro?
As I talked about last week, I had an interview with two people who should not have had anything to do with the hiring process at a local gym. But since I'm unemployed, I need to keep my options open, so I spoke with the owner this past week to see if this would still be an acceptable opportunity for me.

Of course, I get the complete opposite of the ten minute tweedle idiot conversation I had the first time, as this guy had no intentions of ever ceasing to speak. And he brought up absolutely everything but the one thing I wanted to know about, which is how much cheddar is this job going to get me? I know absolutely every square inch of the operation and every machine in the gym, but after over an hour of speaking, I still had no idea what the job actually paid.

Finally, we made it to that crucial moment where I was hoping (but not expecting) to hear my possible six-figure salary. When I heard the number, I don't know how I hid my disdain, as I realized that I just wasted 90 minutes of my life. It was not the six-figure salary that I was hoping for. In fact, and this was almost unbelievable to me, but it was not even a five-figure salary. Yes, folks, it was $800 a month. $9600 a year. Obviously there was commission involved in there, but not even $10,000 a year? When I worked in minor league baseball, the interns got $500 a month, and they even got free housing. 

So, yeah, the job search continues.

-Joe


P.P.S. Since I included Jose, I might as well include The Warrior with this interview done by some Canadians.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Finding "The Me" Fetish

I was partying it up this past weekend, and I had the chance to shoot the shit with a friend of a friend who happened to be black. For those of you asking why I need to mention that he was black, trust me, it's not just that I love to racially profile people, but it is important to my story.

We got to talking and he told me how easy it is for him to get laid. Usually, I just turn my brain off at this point, because guys, especially ones I just met, I really do not give a shit about your sex life. But then he said something interesting when he told me, "Yeah, all I have to do is show up and wait for the girl with the black guy fetish."

This got me thinking.

Where are the girls who fetish for me? The ladies who yearn for my Hott body. The broads who want nothing more than to enter my bone zone. Where are they?

I have had to earn every piece of tail I have ever gotten, and it really sucks to know that had I just been exotic in some sort of way, I wouldn't have had to work for it at all. Where are the girls who want nothing more than a white guy who is built like a tennis player?

I brought up my perilous struggle to my new black friend, and he suggested that there are probably girls with a Rafael Nadal fetish. And he's right! Because Nadal is exotic. A better example would be Andy Murray. There can't be many ladies who yearn for this:
Yet that is the struggle that God has cursed me with. I mean, shit, at least Andy Murray is tall, which a lot of ladies like. I'm only 5'9", so I don't get bonus points for being tall, and I'm not short enough for a fetish in the opposite way either.

And yes, I'm in very good shape. Ladies like this, but they don't love it, because when I pop off my shirt, ladies are impressed, but no matter how hard I work out, I will never be like John Basedow.
And he's only using ten pound weights. But he's the guy on those smutty romance novels. What an asshole.

And the list goes on and on. Some girls love dark hair, others love blonde hair, I, of course have light brown hair. Girls like guys who are really tan, and although I'm not pasty white (although I'm sure there's a fetish for them too), you wouldn't describe me as dark either. Some girls like assholes, while others crave nice guys, and while I do have a heart of gold, I'm still kind of an asshole.

Seriously, there is nothing fetish about me. I have earned everything I have gotten from the opposite sex. From the smallest graze of female contact to the hottest bone session in the Western Hemisphere, it was never a fetish that caused it, just hard work and a little bit of game. I have yet to find a girl with "The Me" Fetish.

So ladies, if you're out there, let me know, and you can finally fulfill your fantasy of hooking up with an unemployed blogger. You know you want to...right?

-Joe

P.S. Enjoy this picture of the greatest player in St. Louis Cardinals history (via @SI_Vault) as you snap into a Slim Jim.
Oooooooh yeah! MACHO MADNESS!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Job Search - Part Two

I'm certainly not employed yet, so that means it's time for round two of my Job Search. As I stated last week, I'll go over the jobs I applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job, and the best story from the week. Let's do this:

Jobs Applied For:

Monday
Emkay – Client Support Specialist
International Education Corporation – Employer Business Developer
Sacramento River Cats – Coordinator, Partnership Activation
TMone – Customer Service Agent
Oakland Athletics – Account Manager
Cincinnati Reds – Season Sales Representative
eBay – Administrative Assistant
Denver Outlaws – Ticket Sales Account Executive
Seattle Storm – Ticket Operations Coordinator
Gold’s Gym – Fitness Consultant
John Deere – Professional Writer - Crop Insurance

Tuesday
Maurice Sporting Goods – National Account Coordinator
NASCAR – Coordinator of Rights & Clearances
ALFA International – Coordinator of Events & Member Services
Adecco – Complaint Analyst
Mystery Company - Insurance Customer Service Representative

Wednesday
Washington Nationals – Assistant Ticket Manager
John Deere – Training Coordinator
CSI Processing – Business Development
Aerotek – Recruiter

Thursday
Guaranty Bank – Assistant Branch Manager
Kenney & Company Staffing – Sales Manager
America Works – Corporate Representative
Class 1 Air – Account Manager
PR Newswire – Assistant Editor

Friday
CRSGroup – Staffing Support Specialist
ZS Associates – Administrative Assistant
Kansas City Royals - Premium Sales Account Executive
Delmarva Shorebirds – Ticket Office Manager
Workway – Client Services Specialist
Denver Broncos – Client Retention Executive


Best Job: Kansas City Royals - Premium Sales Account Executive
Not a lot of options that really stand out this week. A lot of the sports jobs are pretty similar, but the Royals are at least on their way up. Good young players, nice stadium with recent renovations, and Kansas City is a pretty good time. Plus Premium Sales means that I get to meet the ballers of Kansas City. Who are the ballers of Kansas City? I don't know; that's why I'm so interested in this job.

Funniest Job: Seattle Storm - Ticket Operations Coordinator
Oh, hell yeah! Without the NBA, could the WNBA become America's pastime? The simple answer is no, but when you look at things a little bit deeper, the answer remains a simple no. Until America gets tired of bigger, faster, stronger, more coordinated athletes, the WNBA probably isn't taking off, but I could definitely coordinate the operation of some tickets.

Best Story: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Stupid
I was at a loss for words at the end of this one. I interviewed with a local gym to be a Fitness Consultant. I start off interviewing with Guy One. We go over my background, and he is super impressed with me. We only talk for about 5-7 minutes, and all he really tells me about the position is that it involves sales. Still, he wants me to meet with Guy Two.

Guy Two comes by and immediately tells me how he is in charge of the personal trainers, but has no experience with the sales side of the business. The question going through my head is, "Why would I need to talk to you then?" Luckily he answers this by telling me that Guy One wanted him to meet with me since he is the ONLY person on staff that has experience interviewing people.

So he talks to me for another five minutes, and he asks me if I am alright being friendly if people know my name, because it took him some time to get used to. I informed him I was not some weirdo, and kind of expected people to know my name since everyone there wears a NAMETAG. He is happy that I am a normal human being, so he feels comfortable telling me that some people find out his address and where his wife works. In fact, it got so weird that he decided to live in another city so he didn't have to deal with these people all the time. Um...that is slightly different than people calling you by your name when you come in, but I decided to just go with the flow on that one.

Finally, he explains that they will have people back for a second, and probably even a third interview. I'm fine with that, so he goes to have Guy One show me around. Two minutes later, Guy One shows up, and says, "Congratulations, you got the job." Before I had time to tell him that I have no idea what the job is, how much it pays, or if I want it, he informs me that I will talk to the owner in the next few days.

It was one of the saddest, and definitely the dumbest interview I had ever had. And yes, I may be unemployed, but it is going to take a hefty sum of money to get me to agree to this position.

Just another day in an unemployed life.

-Joe

P.S. Ultimate Warrior thinks you're a pussy...and other stuff.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Jose Canseco Has A Job!

As most of you probably know, the baseball season ended a few weeks ago. The Rangers decided they would rather lose in seven games than sign Jose Canseco to their squad. Jose Canseco at DH would definitely have led them past the Cardinals, but that is their loss.

Jose's baseball season ended quite a bit before that, which led him to the world of unemployment. He tried to make a couple extra bucks by celebrity boxing against Lenny Dykstra, but unfortunately, Dykstra backed out and Jose was left without an opponent.

But if there's one thing that we have learned about Jose Canseco through his Twitter account, it's that he will always persevere. Sure, there are no jobs for a retired Bash Brother in southern California, so he hit the road. Jose is moving to Las Vegas. Vegas, baby, VEGAS!

What entrepreneurial adventure awaits our fearless hero? Is he playing celebrity poker? His idea of a reality show with other former MLB players? Will he be on the next season of The Ultimate Fighter? Unfortunately, none of these are the answer to the question of Jose's next adventure. Jose is, wait for it...keep waiting for it...Jose is going to be...well I'll just let him tell you:

 Jose Canseco 

Come down to the Art of Music at the Mandalay Bay Hotel Shops in Las Vegas. I'm signing autographs 6 days a week from 1 pm to 5 pm

Um, really? Shit, that was not the awesome adventure I was hoping for. That's actually kind of sad. No, it's really sad. Well, at least he's probably only doing it for a month, and then he'll get into something more awesome. Right, Jose?

 Jose Canseco 

Going to be at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas for the next year. Tuesday thru Sunday 1pm to 5 pm. Art of Music Store

Holy shit! A year? Jose, your afternoons are taken up for six days a week for the next year to sign autographs? A year? This is not the badass Jose that we have come to know and love. This is a neutered version. I blame Miss Leila. Jose has told me that she uses drugs and lies, yet Jose is back with her. She sounds like one of these:

With that all out in the open, I still have one question for my readers: Who wants to go to Vegas with me?

-Joe

P.S. Ultimate Warrior, you are still awesome, right?
 The Ultimate Warrior 

RT  thought on penn state" Fill Beaver stadium 4 PPV, unlock prison inmates to fuck Sandusky et al up ass, castrate & let die

 The Ultimate Warrior 
Yes. Paterno, too.

Oh yeah, he is.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Joe Paterno Moment

Did you know that Joe Paterno has been in the news lately? If you don't, you probably don't have a television or an internet connection. If you don't have an internet connection, I don't know how you're reading this, but I suppose I should explain that Paterno had a former coordinator diddling kids, and he didn't do anything about it. Although it is unconfirmed, Paterno may have confronted Jerry Sandusky, and Sandusky may have responded with this:

He should have known that this was probably a sign that he diddled kids, but Joe Pa's old, so he may have let it slide.

But what's done is done, and now Joe Pa is done at Penn State. Still, I felt this was a fitting time for me to share a story where I was put in a very similar situation as Paterno faced with Jerry Sandusky. Let's take a stroll down Creepy Memory Lane.

As I have spoken about before, I used to work in Minor League Baseball. One of my responsibilities was overseeing the ushering staff at the ballpark. For the most part, I had great guys that worked for me down there, as they are some of the best people I have ever met. Unfortunately, I could not fill my staff with All Stars, and in many cases, I couldn't even provide replacement level performance from the members I had to fill out my staff with.

That led me to hiring Don (not his real name). When I interviewed Don, I could only understand about one out of every six words he said, but as we worked together, I got it down to one out of three, so I could almost always make out what he was trying to tell me.

Don wasn't competent in many areas, but he did enjoy busting smokers, and he was a warm body, so those were his strengths. He wasn't very good at communicating with guests, so I almost always put him as far from people as possible.

Despite this, he definitely grew on me. He was harmless, and his incompetence was kind of endearing. One of my favorite Don stories was when he left a message on my answering machine and his callback number was 13 digits. Needless to say, I never called Don back that day.

But onto the important story. One day, I got a troubling report from someone in food and beverage where they said that a guest complained that an usher, Don, was peeping at his little kid while he was at the urinal. Now Don was obviously always a weird guy, but I honestly thought he wasn't competent enough to be a pervert. That was my initial thought, but I had to confront him about it.

So I talked to Don about it, and he assured me that this never happened and he was just going to the bathroom. I wanted to believe him, and honestly, I did believe him. I just never expected someone who, although incompetent, couldn't have been more harmless. Still, I had to make sure he was telling the truth.

I set up a sting operation where I told an intern to follow John into the bathroom the next time he went in there (Sorry Nick S.). The intern did as he was told and came back with a troubling report. Don was not only glancing at little kids while they were at the urinal, he was staring them down while they were at the urinal.

To hear that the information was true really sucked. Yes, he was always incompetent, but his incompetence had really grown on me and had made him endearing. I had to do what I had to do. I immediately fired him, and he was banned from stepping foot in the ballpark.

So I have a slight understanding of Paterno's position. My usher never diddled kids, but when I got the information, I knew I had to get to the bottom of it, even though I wanted to believe Don. Paterno decided to put it in other people's hands instead of finding out the truth about a man he probably considered a close friend. I understand why Paterno didn't act, but that doesn't make it right. He made the wrong decision, and now he's paying the consequences.

I'm happy that the situation I was involved in never escalated, because it is truly a fucked up situation in State College. Everyone involved deserve what they get and probably more.

Even Penn State students actions have been stupid, but almost all college students are morons. They don't understand the levity of the situation, and a lot of them are probably just interested in being in a riot. When I was in college, I once ran through tear gas to see what it felt like. That was fucking stupid, but that's what college kids do: A bunch of stupid shit. The students aren't vile human beings, they're just idiots, and in a few years, they'll realize how stupid their actions were. Making stupid decisions is all part of the college experience.

The right decision isn't always the easy decision, and in time, even the most ardent of Joe Pa supporters will realize, you can support his coaching legacy, but you cannot support him taking the easy way out in this situation.

-Joe

P.S. That kind of ended on a down note. Let's get an awesome quote from Iowa Wrestling Coach, Tom Brands:

"We need guys to not just say, ‘Hey, I'm doing it right, look at me.' We need them to grab guys and say, ‘I'm an extension of the coaching staff, and what you're doing is out of line, and by God you're going to get it right or you might have to answer to soap in the pillow case," Brands said. "We need a guy or two like that."

If this were a football coach saying this, it would be a major news story, but Iowa's Wrestling Coach? It's just a rallying cry. More soap in the pillow case justice, please.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Let's Look At The B1G

The B1G is pretty deep, but has no elite teams. Wisconsin is the best team. They don't always play like the best team. There are three weeks left in the season, and there are seven teams that could still win the B1G. Wisconsin, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Nebraska, Ohio State, and even Iowa has a shot at claiming the inaugural title. None of these teams are great, and if they get matched up with anybody outside of the Big East Champion (and possibly the ACC), they will be a heavy underdog in their BCS game.

Brady Hoke is not comfortable with Denard Robinson as his quarterback. But he's still trying to design an offense that is giving him a good chance to succeed. Hoke clearly wants a pro-style offense, but he has compromised to help Denard be successful to give his team the best chance to win. Brady Hoke has a history of success. He succeeded at Ball State, he succeeded at San Diego State, and now the guy is going to succeed at Michigan. Let's face it, Ohio State is on a downward trend, Penn State rapes kids instead of opponents, and I still think Nebraska is garbage. Michigan is the one team with a great legacy on the upswing, and I wouldn't be surprised if they had an Ohio State like run in the B1G in the next few years.

Contrast that with what the Hawkeyes defense is doing under Norm Parker. Look, I love Norm, and he's a fantastic teacher of his defense. But his steadfast refusal to adapt to the talent that the Hawkeyes have on hand has been aggravating this season. The Hawkeyes most talented position is cornerback. Their least talented position is the defensive line. Despite this, the Hawkeyes run a defense that depends on the defensive line creating pressure with the defensive backfield has constant help over the top. Yes, the Hawkeyes rarely get beat deep, but the opposing quarterback has so much time to sit in the pocket that he can eventually pick the defense apart with underneath routes. With the lack of pressure the front four is able to generate, Iowa needs to be willing to call more blitzes and let teams try and test their corners. Iowa could win out and go to the B1G Championship, but only if they stop letting teams attack their weakness and start forcing teams to attack their strength.

And then we have Penn State. Doesn't Penn State piss you off? They do not appear to be a good football team in any way, but they just keep on winning. I now know why everyone hated the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes so much. They just kept pulling games out of their asses, much like Penn State is doing this season. I'd say Iowa had a stronger quarterback, even with the Rick Sixes, while Penn State has the stronger running game with Silas Redd. But the defenses are pretty damn even. 2011 Penn State is 2009 Iowa...except with more child rapings.

-Joe

P.S. This tweet made me incredibly happy:
@BradBiggs Brad Biggs
Also, was terrific seeing pro wrestling star Gene Snitsky outside #Bears locker room. Dave Toub was his strength coach at Mizzou.

P.P.S. This video also made me incredibly happy:

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Job Search - Part One

I have to admit, it is not always easy coming up with topics that I want to write about, and I haven't been writing as much as I would like to these past couple months. But as I was sitting at my computer the other day, I decided that people would probably like to hear what it's like to search for a job in these tough economic times. Not having a job gives you a lot of time to look for jobs, but it also gives you a lot of time to let your mind wander. Just the other day, I thought about going to New York for the Occupy Wall Street protests, not because I think they are important, but mostly just because I'm bored.

So to help with that boredom, I will provide myself and all of my readers entertainment with my quest for employment. Each week, you can look forward to a list of jobs I have applied for, the best job I applied for, the funniest job I applied for, and at least one random story that involves my job search. Without further adieu...

Jobs Applied For:

(I only started this project on Friday, but in the future, it will encompass the entire week)
Friday
It’s Just Lunch – Dating Coordinator
Sensient Technologies - Office Services Coordinator
Nitel – Customer Service Advocate
Mediacom – Supervisor, Direct Sales
Chicago Cubs – Corporate Partnership Service Representative
Oakland Athletics – Guest Services Assistant
Mack, Jansen, Tholl & Associates – Administrative Assistant
Cars.com - Online Customer Support

Best Job: Chicago Cubs - Corporate Partnership Service Representative
As a lifelong Cubs fan, this would be a pretty kickass job. Plus, it's just providing exemplary customer service to corporate partners, so I actually have the necessary experience for this one. The more people are around me, the more they love me, so if the Cubs hired me, they would never lose another client again.

Funniest Job: It's Just Lunch - Dating Coordinator
So I saw Dating Coordinator and immediately applied. I did not look at the description, so I literally had no idea what this company was all about until I researched it for this post. But like the name implies, they basically set people up to meet at a restaurant and have a date. I have introduced people who are now engaged, so I am more than qualified for this spot. But I am hoping this company's all just a cover for a prostitution ring. Obviously, I've always been pimpin', but I'd like to just pimp.

Best Story: I'm Not Down (Syndrome) With That
Recently, I had a job interview with some customer service company. I walked in and saw other candidates that were looking for hire. I’m not great at deciphering which mental handicap that people have, but I would guess Down Syndrome for the other people in the waiting room with me. Droopy eyes, large foreheads, and kind of a Neanderthal look on their face, that’s Down Syndrome, right?

And then there’s me, dressed like an adult going to an interview, sticking out like a sore thumb. I don’t like to brag, but here’s the thing, I looked really good. Even better than usual. I’ve got the white shirt that’s looking whiter than white, gray slacks, and black shoes that are so shiny that I did my hair while staring at my reflection in them. The other candidates decided to wear their nicest pair of cargo khakis with their best polo, both of which must have been wadded up under their race car bed, because I literally could not imagine a way to have more wrinkles in my clothing than these people had.

I looked around while actual employees of the company walked through, and it wasn’t just that I was the best looking person there, but I was probably the best looking person who had ever set foot in that building. Seriously, all the guys were somehow both balding and effeminate, while the women, well, the women were built like the bear in a gay male relationship. There were no twink-sized ladies among these broads.

I seriously thought about leaving after five minutes of seeing the jabronies walking around this place, but I decided to stay. After taking about 90 minutes to fill out paperwork and ace all of their 3rd grade level tests, I finally got an interview. It took about 15 seconds for them to find out I was far too competent to work for this company, and she basically said as much as having ambition will only be a detriment when working for them. Although it was a giant waste of time, I certainly wasn’t too disappointed since I could never work with such ugly people day in and day out.

To sum up my experience: You know the saying “You can dress up a pig, but it’s still a pig”? Well, my new saying is “You can give a retard a job, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to stick their penis in the pencil sharpener.” The company that turned me down will learn that lesson the hard way.

-Joe

P.S. "I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey." This may also work when cheating on a spouse as well. "Honey, I swear it was you until she shape-shifted into a much more attractive woman."

Friday, November 4, 2011

Jose Canseco Is Celebrity Boxing Again

As the totally unofficial blog of Jose Canseco, I feel like I need to address the fact that Jose Canseco is getting back in the boxing ring for the first time since his switcheroo boxing controversy, and this time it's going to include MORE Jose Canseco (since last time it included zero Jose Canseco). 

Now, honestly, Jose Canseco's celebrity boxing doesn't interest me all that much. I have known about it for weeks (although he did get a new opponent a few days ago), but it didn't really seem noteworthy to me. But the major sports blogs have been covering it, so I figured I should add a little bit to the conversation.

In his past fighting efforts, Jose has has mixed results, and that mixture has been mostly losses and draws, so I don't think he's quite ready to challenge a Klitschko. But this time, he's got a fight against noneother than Lenny Dykstra. Fomer MLB player, turned financial genius, turned financial idiot, turned awful Dad who wasted his son's signing bonus, turned criminal. As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say, "OH, HELL YEAH!"

Honestly, this match probably won't be entertaining on the face of it, but it does still have entertainment potential. If Jose can obliterate Dykstra, expect hilariously arrogant tweets about it. At the same time, a loss could produce much more hilarious sad tweets from Jose. Jose's sad tweets are comedy gold.

So even though I love Jose Canseco, I'm not so much rooting for him as much as I'm rooting for one of these guys to get their asses kicked. Jose's tweets have been yawn-inducing lately as the best thing he has posted has been a picture of dogs together.
So come on Jose. Stop censoring yourself, and have an impactful fight this weekend. Twitter needs you.

-Joe

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Take This With A Grain of Salt

Shortest blog post ever today: You know the expression, take this with a grain of salt? I have seen people misusing this saying and sayings like it lately. It does not make your topic less important if you put take this with a thousand truckloads of salt. It's not that salt is bad in this saying, it's that the importance of a grain of salt is meaningless, but a lot of salt would be meaningful. When trying to emphasize your point, it would make more sense to say take this with a thousandth of a grain of salt. That would make sense, but it would make you sound like a pretentious prick, so really, just stick with the classic saying, you're not going to improve on it.

Thank you for your time.

-Joe

P.S. Mark Gormley rocks.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Letter To Kim Kardashian

Greetings Kimmy,

I'm Hott Joe, you know me. Well, actually, you probably don't, but no matter, you will know me soon enough. I see that you have recently filed for a divorce. Things are probably pretty tough right now, but this is actually your lucky day. See, I'm single too, and I think I might be the perfect man to be your next boo.

Unfortunately, you've struggled finding the perfect mate as all of your relationships have failed in the past. Don't worry, as a sexy single myself, I know how hard it can be to find a person to fit our unusually high standards. Trust me, a couple of Dimes like us should never have to compromise.

Kim to the Kizzle, I can give you something that no other man has in the past. Judging by your past dating history, you seem to be into rich men with athletic prowess and/or have very large penises. If you keep going for the same thing, you're going to get the same results. This is why I am the perfect match, as I possess none of these traits.

On top of my regular endowment and athletic shortcomings, we also have a lot in common. Yes, there's the obvious that we're both incredibly good looking, but there is so much more.

It appears that you have never had a job, and I also think that work's for jerks. Imagine the fun we could have with no occupational commitments to drag us down.

You have developed a taste for the finer things in life, and I cannot imagine the fun you'll have as I reveal some of the less-known fine things in this world. Mainly, Natural Light, the Iowa Hawkeyes, and swimming in the Mississippi River.

On top of that, we both have families. Neither of us were test tube babies. And yes, this is an indictment that I really know nothing about you, so I had to come up with another commonality.

Slim Kim, I know this sounds too good to be true, and it is. Here's a truth bomb for you. I really don't find you all that attractive. Don't get me wrong, you're cute enough, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to satisfy you. If I satisfy you, great. If I don't, it's no skin off my back. I need you to know that I have been with hotter girls than you, but I haven't been with richer girls than you. Dim Kim, I'm really much more interested in the lifestyle that you could provide for me.

In the past, men have been proud of dating you. They wanted to show you off and shower you with gifts. Expect none of this from me. I am not introducing you to my friends. You will be as important to me as a speck of dust, and you are going to love it.

Ms. KardASSian (get it? Because you have a big caboose), I know that we belong together. I will provide you with what no man ever has, no money, an average unit, limited athletic ability, Natural Light, and on top of all this, I'll treat you like a piece of hot garbage.

I'm Hott Joe, you know me. So, what do you say, Kimmy Poo?

-Joe

P.S. The only man who may be able to beat me out for Kim is Guy on a Buffalo (H/T Swanson):