The Number One Rule of Snapchat

Snapchat is a very popular app with the young, hip generation. I was actually an early adopter of Snapchat, because I figure new technology is at least worth a try. But it absolutely amazes me how bad people are at using Snapchat. Sometimes they try to be clever; sometimes they try to be cool, but the harder they try, the harder they fail. That is why I will share with you the number one, and truly only rule that matters in Snapchat.

Show Me The Puppies

This is all you need to know. Just take pictures and videos of doggies, and the world will be a much better place for it. Have you ever grown tired of looking at cute dogs or even ugly dogs doing cute things? Of course you haven't, especially when that pup is so desperate to go on a road trip that she hops in and lies down in the trunk of the car.

I don't care about pictures of your babies; I don't care about pictures of beaches or mountains, or some other lameass body of land, and I certainly don't give a shit about a picture or video of you, because I already know what you look like, and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as cute as a pupdog with a bunch of stuffing hanging from her mouth.

Let's face it. Your life is boring. You don't think it's boring, but trust me, to the outside world, it's boring as shit. This is no knock on you, as I am as guilty of this as anyone else. Instead of focusing on you, focus on something else, and preferably, that something else will have a snout and some big floppy ears, and extra points for tail wagging. I don't want to see you getting your zen on with meditation, but I damn sure want to see a cute dog doing the same.

#Namaste

This is the only rule that you need to know for Snapchat. Just show me the puppies. Those sexy, sexy puppies.

My Review of Atlanta

My wife, dog, and I took a trip to Atlanta this past weekend. All it took me was one weekend to understand the city of Atlanta completely.

Before arriving, I needed to find a hotel. We wanted something close to the stadium, but since the dog was coming, needed something pet friendly. Hotwire had a deal on a 4-Star hotel less than two miles from the ballpark that was pet friendly. That sounded perfect, so I booked it and found out it was the downtown Sheraton. I went to their website, and found that although they are pet friendly, it is only for dogs up to 40 pounds, which is about 20-25 pounds too light for my pup. Also, they make you pay $100 deposit, and you only get $65 back. That is not pet friendly; that is pet exploitation. They are basically just trying to wring $35 out of you with no extra work on their end of things.

I was not having any of that, so after our 6.5 hour drive to get there, I snuck in my dog through the backdoor after I checked in and continued to sneak her in and out through the back doors of the place, so I didn't have to answer any questions from that nosey front desk.

But this hotel drama was far from over, as this supposed 4-Star hotel does not have free WiFi. They were trying to charge like $9 a day to use internet. What kind of hotel charges for internet in this day and age? I have stayed in some absolute shitholes, but even those would at least give you free WiFi. Don't stay at the downtown Sheraton. It sucks.

Saturday was a day of exploration in order to obtain food and wear out the dog. The morning was uneventful, but business picked up in the afternoon. We went to Cook Out for lunch on Saturday, because it delivers a lot of food for very little money. I got walking directions from Google, and luckily Google knew of a shortcut that would save us three walking minutes. I live my life with the motto of, IGWT, In Google We Trust, so I had no issues following Google's directions. Did the neighborhoods that we walked through get sketchier and sketchier? Did we most likely walk by a drug dealing operation? Yes, that seems quite likely. Was my wife happy about Google's directions? Honestly, she wasn't. She wasn't too pleased with me at all. We took the long way back home, and honestly, when you're not walking around in fear of being murdered, the walk does seem quicker.

But maybe the most disappointing part of that story is that Cook Out was not nearly as good as I remembered it. The caramel cheesecake shake delivered, but the burger, nuggets, and fries left a lot to be desired.

That night, we went to the Braves/Cardinals game, as it was the main reason for our trip. The old lady used to work for a Cardinals affiliate, so she knows a lot of the players. I am a lifelong Cubs fan, so I could give a shit about the Cardinals, but whatever, I figured I could root, root, root for the home team.

This plan would have worked, but Atlanta got rain that just would not quit the entire night, and the game got postponed, so we would not be seeing a baseball game on our 13-hour round trip drive to go see a baseball game. But hey, that's the way it goes sometimes.

And had the game not been cancelled, I would not have seen what I assume is the most Atlanta thing possible. While driving back to the hotel around 10:00 PM, I saw two pitbulls trotting down a busy street. I thought there owner would be following closely behind, but nope. There were just two pitbulls trotting down the street in the middle of downtown Atlanta. They just took up the far left lane on a one way and looked like they knew where they were headed. I would have adopted those pups, but they were so badass that it would have made more sense for them to adopt me.

Our trip ended with a dinner with friends, and then breakfast with another friend the following morning. They were both very pleasant experiences but unless I want to reveal secrets about the persons at these meals, they were rather uneventful.

So what is my overall review of Atlanta? If you like Waffle Houses, drug deals, and pitbulls running the streets, then Atlanta is the place for you. Personally, I'll take the tamer streets of Clearwater, where the only real concern is Hulk Hogan's racism getting totally out of control.

Jose Canseco And The Power Of Twitter

Jose Canseco loves Twitter. Although he will take extended breaks here and there. He always comes back to it, because those two were made for each other. Twitter uses Jose for cheap entertainment, and usually it's a one-way game where Jose continues to give and give, but things changed recently. Jose used Twitter and went from being unemployed to being paid to play baseball in one of the best party cities in North America. How did this all happen? Let's go through things.

Never give up your dream .I love baseball and I dream about playing again in the majors .just (cont) tl.gd/frsq8r
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Jose shared his dream of playing baseball again, hoping the Twitter world would notice and he could get back in the game that he loves. But instead of just hoping it would happen, he decided to spice things up to make sure that people would notice.

I fight for the truth and the right to play baseball
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

This is another amazing tweet from an amazing man. Jose Canseco fights for two things in this world. The first is the truth, which seems pretty reasonable. The second is the right to play baseball, something that I do not remember was a great struggle for revolutionaries throughout history. I don't think anyone is stopping Jose from playing baseball, but it would be quite a scene to see him at an old sandlot diamond and people chasing him off, as they said they didn't want his kind around here. He would assume it was for steroids, but in that small town, they probably just hate people who were on The Surreal Life and/or Celebrity Apprentice.

Life is not worth living if you can't try difficult things
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Baseball is difficult at any age that's y its the greatest
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Jose takes it to the extreme, by saying life isn't worth living if you can't try difficult things, followed by saying that baseball is difficult. Ipso facto, if you do not let Jose play baseball, you are basically committing murder.

Do you haters need a hug think possitive and you will never hate again and good things will happen (cont) tl.gd/frtcag
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

This isn't an interesting tweet, because Jose has about a thousand that talk about haters, but it became interesting when he followed it with this tweet.

This is my baby chapstick . lockerz.com/s/182802536
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

I was so terrified to find out what his "baby chapstick" meant. It's not just me, baby chapstick could mean his dick, right? I mean, it's extremely self-deprecating, because chapstick is small enough, so baby chapstick is just sad. I reluctantly found out what it meant, and was very pleased that it was just his dog. And if you're asking what this has to do with getting him back in baseball. Hell, I don't know, but sure enough, the next day he drops this bomb.

Back in baseball I knew I would play this year you just gotta believe in your dreams .
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2012

And that's all it took. Just insinuate that you'll kill yourself if you don't get something, give your dog a name that could also describe your penis, post a picture, and boom, you're playing baseball again. Not only that, Jose is going to be playing for a team based in Cancun. Outside of trying to cheat on his girlfriend with college coeds on spring break, what will Jose be doing?

Never been to mexico before except border towns where i had some issues .can't wait to see mayans and there ruins they were badass
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2012

Um, who wants to be the bad guy? Anybody? Well, I guess I'll do it. As far as I know, there really aren't Mayans anymore, so I hope you aren't counting on hanging out with them on your journey. Little known fact about the Mayans, they aren't around anymore because the Spaniards took away their right to play baseball. Huge ritualistic suicide after they all wrote in their diaries how hard life is. Tough break.

But thanks to Twitter, suicide threats, and small dogs named after small dongs, Jose Canseco is back in baseball. Best of luck, Jose.

Jose Canseco Is Celebrity Boxing Again

As the totally unofficial blog of Jose Canseco, I feel like I need to address the fact that Jose Canseco is getting back in the boxing ring for the first time since his switcheroo boxing controversy, and this time it's going to include MORE Jose Canseco (since last time it included zero Jose Canseco). 

Now, honestly, Jose Canseco's celebrity boxing doesn't interest me all that much. I have known about it for weeks (although he did get a new opponent a few days ago), but it didn't really seem noteworthy to me. But the major sports blogs have been covering it, so I figured I should add a little bit to the conversation.

In his past fighting efforts, Jose has has mixed results, and that mixture has been mostly losses and draws, so I don't think he's quite ready to challenge a Klitschko. But this time, he's got a fight against noneother than Lenny Dykstra. Fomer MLB player, turned financial genius, turned financial idiot, turned awful Dad who wasted his son's signing bonus, turned criminal. As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say, "OH, HELL YEAH!"

Honestly, this match probably won't be entertaining on the face of it, but it does still have entertainment potential. If Jose can obliterate Dykstra, expect hilariously arrogant tweets about it. At the same time, a loss could produce much more hilarious sad tweets from Jose. Jose's sad tweets are comedy gold.

So even though I love Jose Canseco, I'm not so much rooting for him as much as I'm rooting for one of these guys to get their asses kicked. Jose's tweets have been yawn-inducing lately as the best thing he has posted has been a picture of dogs together.

So come on Jose. Stop censoring yourself, and have an impactful fight this weekend. Twitter needs you.

-Joe

P.S. And here is a slideshow during the time that Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau lived together.

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W

Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.

Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.

I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.

Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.

This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses

And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?

I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

Unlike most people, I have very few flaws.  If you have read this blog for a while, you are probably well aware of how I am awesome in just about every imaginable way.  And since I am so awesome, I actually realize the few flaws that I have.  Today seemed like a great day to expose one of those flaws to give both myself and the reader a deeper understanding of the sexy beast that is Hott Joe.

I understand that everybody enjoys a compliment.  It reminds you of how awesome you are, and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside.  Unfortunately, since I love me so much, it means that I love compliments way more than most normal people.

How is this harmful?  Well, it means that ladies have the ability to trick me.  Since I'm such a sucker for compliments, here is a possible exchange that could occur:

Me:  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on television.
Girl:  Yeah, I think it's kind of stupid.
Me:  No, you're stupid.  The show is brilliant.
Girl:  I disagree, but have I mentioned what a great jawline you have?
Me:  No, you haven't.
Girl:  It's really breathtaking.
Me:  It is.  What were we talking about before this?
Girl:  Um...
Me:  It doesn't matter, I like this topic more.

Yes, I would sell out my favorite TV show as long as a woman is willing to recognize how amazing I am.  But it's not just words that I am willing to overlook, I can look past appalling actions if ladies follow up properly.  Honestly, I could see a girl rip the head off a kid’s favorite teddy bear, throw dog shit inside and give it back to the kid, and then we’d have this exchange:

Me:  Why would you do that?
Girl;  I felt like it. By the way, you’ve got a GB.
Me:  What's a GB.
Girl:  Great body.
Me:  Why thank you. What were we talking about again? Who cares? Let's bump uglies.

And just like that, I'd be horizontal with this broad.  Yes, she was cruel to a child, but as long as she gets my mind thinking about my favorite subject, me, I can overlook these flaws.  Does this just show that I have a fragile ego?  Not at all, I just love me some me.  But here's one final scenario that shows that there are some lines you cannot cross:

Girl:  You are so amazing.  I didn't think a man as good looking as you could actually have the personality to match your undeniable hotness.
Me:  That's because I'm one of a kind.
Girl:  You are, and usually I would find it to be a turn-off when a gentleman couldn't just say thank you when given a compliment, but you're so amazing that it just adds to your charm.
Me:  This is an indisputable fact.
Girl:  I know a man as intelligent as you could not have any flaws, so I bet you hate Jose Canseco as much as I do.
Me (in an awe-inspiring rage):  Jose Canseco is a saint!  How dare you!  You're probably one of the people advising MLB to blackball him from the game that he loves.
Girl:  You're even hotter when you're angry.
Me:  Sorry babe, your nookie means nothing to me.
(A gentleman walks up)
Jose Canseco:  Hey Joe, what's going on with this girl?
Me:  Don't worry about it Jose.  I was just leaving.  Let's hit softballs and write another book.
Jose Canseco:  Yeah! (Epic high-five)

As you can see, there are certain lines you don't cross, and making fun of Jose Canseco, saying West Coast Dance is stupid, or arguing that babies are cuter than puppies are things I will never allow.  And yes, I realize my weakness for compliments is not an ideal quality to have.  But am I going to change?  No.  Because I'm a work of art, and although I'm not Mr. Perfect...

I'm still the closest thing to it.

-Joe

P.S.  If anybody wants to go clubbing in Pawnee, hit me up.

Want to Win Your Fantasy Baseball League? Draft Jose Canseco

I have mentioned this about 600,000 times on the blog, but let me repeat it, I love Jose Canseco.  The great news is that there are going to be a lot more people who love him when he helps them win your fantasy baseball league in 2011. 

JoseCanseco I can dh for any major league team and lead the league in home runs,just give me the chance
BOOM, bitches.  Move over Jose Bautista, because there is going to be a new player coming out of nowhere and leading the league in home runs the same year that he turns 47.  For people not keeping up on Jose Canseco's Twitter account, they won't even have them on their draft board.  And yes, we're going to ignore that he said that he can DH for any major league team when only 14 teams actually have a DH.

JoseCanseco I believe in myself and I believe in you to
Aren't you tired of these millionaire ballplayers who couldn't give two shits about your fantasy team.  Well, Jose isn't one of those assholes.  He not only believes in himself, but he believes in you too.  At this point, I'm guessing everybody reading this is all in on drafting Jose Canseco, but for those skeptics who think a guy in his mid-40s who hasn't played pro baseball in a decade can't lead the league in home runs, Jose's about to drop a bomb on you.

JoseCanseco I was laughed at when I said I would do the 40^40
Keep laughing haters, because when you laugh, Jose smashes expectations.  He claims to be in the best shape of his life, so does that mean a 50^50 season is a possibility?   I wouldn't say that's a possibility; I'd say it's likely, and I wouldn't count out a 60^60. 

JoseCanseco I will show everyone that steroids are completely overrated once I get the chance to play aqgain.all I need is the chance
This is one thing that worries me about Jose.  His brain cannot comprehend patterns.  He is the kind of person who puts his hand on the stove and gets pissed that it burned him.  Yet, he doesn't learn from this mistake, he just keeps putting his hand down on it and burning the shit out of his hand.  The same thing happens when he says something positive about his life.  The haters give all the credit for his career to steroids, and then he gets pissed about haters hating.  I think the next 65 tweets were talking about haters hating, how he would rise above, steroids don't help, MLB hates him, boom smash. 

JoseCanseco If a team would give me the chance I would not let them down.baseball is my life,I miss the game its part of me,its my addiction
JoseCanseco I dream about playing almost every night.when I wake up and realize I am not anymore that's when the nightmare begins
Jose is pleading to nobody in particular, but he's still just pleading for a chance.  He is hoping that MLB has some Twitter scouts looking for ex-ballplayers trying to make a comeback.  Although I doubt that is a position, I think it might be my dream job.  Also, he talks about waking up and that's when his nightmare begins, I wonder if he really meant that this is when the hunger begins.

JoseCanseco I am and will always be just simply a basball player,my tomb stone will just say. Baseball.
I really think Jose should reconsider this decision. 

I'd hope he'd at least put his name on there, because this tombstone is kind of a downer.  I'd much prefer to see this one.

That's much better, as it encompasses all of his greatness.  If you want some greatness on your fantasy team, draft Jose Canseco.  All he needs is a chance.

-Joe

P.S.  I really enjoy Cash Cab, so this news kind of bummed me out.

Jose Canseco Needs Money...And More Hugs

No matter what people may say about him, Jose Canseco is not a quitter.  He has taken to Twitter to do anything he can to make some money.  He's tried multiple TV ventures including a reality show about himself, a baseball show, and successfully managed to be on the cast of the upcoming season of The Apprentice.  He's also tried to give baseball lessons, play baseball, or just have people pay to hang out with him.  It seems like everything has been a massive failure for him, so does that mean he's going to give up?  Hell no.  Jose Canseco is no quitter.


JoseCanseco Trying to get financing for my baseball indoor training facility if your interested in a partnership email me at jc7264@yahoo.com
JoseCanseco I can send you a business plan
This offer happened over the weekend, and it really makes me regret drinking and having fun while partying all day.  If I wouldn't have been busy with fun, I could have asked Jose to send me his business plan, which I'm guessing he designed with MS Paint.  Some of you might be thinking that he still has this business plan, so I could still ask him for it.  But let's be real here, Jose has already forgot that he wanted to start a baseball training facility.  He's probably already writing up a business plan for someone to pay for him to hit home runs on the moon, which, I admit, would be awesome.

JoseCanseco 2 Puppies for sale
This wouldn't be that weird if it wasn't accompanied by this picture.

I'm really not sure what the deal is with that third puppy.  Which one did Jose forget about?  Is that third puppy actually still for sale?  Is there a third puppy at all, or are two of those puppies actually siamese puppies and Jose only considers them one puppy?  Is this a side effect of puppy steroids?  I don't know, but these questions will haunt me in my sleep.


JoseCanseco If I can make you feel a little better about life leave me your number and I will call you and give you a hug over the phone
This was yet another missed opportunity caused by a weekend of partying.  I was excited when Jose tweeted out his number when you were forced to pay to talk to him as I seriously considered doing it, but this was an even greater opportunity.  Tweet him your number, and he'll call you.  I have my doubts that Jose would be smart enough to block his regular number, so I could have Jose's number at my fingertips anytime I wanted to talk about badass stuff like baseball, steroids, or puppies.  Not only that, but how in the hell do you give a hug over the phone?  Jose seems confident in his abilities to do so, and I really hope to find out soon.

JoseCanseco if I give you a phone hug you must hug a total stranger and tell them to do the same and so on. Ok
Imagine hugging a total stranger.  This person will probably not be thankful for you randomly wrapping your arms around them.  Now tell them that Jose Canseco says they now have to hug a total stranger.  People following Jose's advice led to at least 15 stabbings.


JoseCanseco You don't need money to be happy ,look at the simple things they will make you smile
Says the guy selling puppies.  I think this is proof that Jose doesn't need money to be happy, Jose just needs money.

JoseCanseco I have tried to help people all my life financially ,but now I can't cause I am broke but a hug is a very powerful thing
And Jose, if you could help out just one person in this world, the person who needs help more than any other person in the world, who would that be?

JoseCanseco Everyone should send a hug to tiger woods the greatest golfer in the world
God damn Jose, you are one diluted human being.  You have somehow secluded yourself from regular human beings that you have no basis for reality.  I love it. 


-Joe

P.S.  If you came up to me and said that Angelina from Jersey Shore would make a rap song, I would assume it was bad.  I mean, I would assume it was basically the worst piece of shit in the world.  I would have thought that Angelina is to rap music what Ken Shamrock is to acting.  Somehow, it is far worse than I imagined.

MTV and the 2010-11 Chicago Bulls

The Chicago Bulls season tips off tomorrow, and I figured I would give you a completely biased (and possibly horribly uninformed) look at this year's team. Since some people think I go overboard on pop culture and others hate it when I talk about sports, I have decided to tie in every Chicago Bulls player with someone on MTV so everybody can be happy (or everyone will hate it).

Omer Asik - How do you spell baller in Turkish? I bet every Turkish sportswriter knows from covering the crowned jewel of Turkey. Asik is probably the biggest celebrity coming out Turkey since Tarkan, you know the singer who some consider the "Prince of Pop." Wait, you didn't know? Geez people, get some culture and watch MTV Turkey every now and then. Back to Asik, he's going to be a beast off the bench, crashing boards, blocking shots, and probably banging multiple members of the Luvabulls. Expect him to be a candidate for the sixth man award.

Keith Bogans - Last I heard he was are starting shooting guard for opening night. Expect him to be like Puck on defense, because he is going to be causing all sorts of problems for opposing offenses. Being from Kentucky, this guy knows a thing or two about horses. If you're looking to pick a dark horse for an All-Star selection, look no further than this former Wildcat.

Carlos Boozer - His last name is Boozer. His brother went to Iowa State. Hey, we all have relatives we aren't proud of, can't hold that against him. Expect this guy to take full advantage of the night life in Chicago until he goes on a double date with Slutty & J-Cutty and meets the woman of his dreams, Lo from The Hills. Expect him to make the All-Star team.

Ronnie Brewer - Could there be a better team of players than Boozer and Brewer? Gar Forman, you magnificent bastard; this is a match made in Heaven. Brewer never gets tired as he survives strictly off Ron-Ron Juice, and you should see this fool at the club. There's something about Ronnies that dominate the club life.
Expect this guy to be the NBA's best wingman.

Luol Deng - This guy is the Ronnie-Sammi relationship. Everyone wants to get rid of it, but it's still there, hanging around, with occasional entertainment. Expect Deng's season to be the more exciting moments of Ron-Ron triple kissing two grenades instead of the times where Sammi got angry at nothing. Expect an All-Star selection for this handsome Devil (Get it? Because he went to Duke, so he was a Blue Devil. Yeah? Yeah.)

Taj Gibson - Weird name? Gritty? Scary to run into at night? Probably banged The Miz? Check, check, check, and well, hopefully not a check, but yes, Taj Gibson is the Coral of the Chicago Bulls. Expect him to lead the NBA in flagrant fouls, because he doesn't wrestle, he beats bitches up.

James Johnson - Yeah, poor James Johnson is definitely Brandon from this year's challenge. He's really trying his best to stay on the team, but the Bulls are looking for any reason to get rid of him. He was the Bulls first round pick, but they still nearly declined his option for this year. If the NBA institutes a gulag, wait for mad hysteria when James Johnson takes out Brian Cardinal. Otherwise, expect him to be the Mateen Cleaves of the Chicago Bulls.

Kyle Korver - Korver is unfortunately Dunbar. He appears to have all the tools to be great, but they both have fatal flaws that relegate them to role players. Korver can't play defense, and Dunbar is so uncoordinated that he would have a heart attack if he tried chewing gum while tying his shoes. Still, expect Korver to win the NBA 3-Point Shootout.

Joakim Noah - This is the easiest comparison as Noah is so clearly the Snooki of the Chicago Bulls. People who don't watch the show immediately hate Snooki and don't understand her appeal. She's not attractive, she's not smart, she really doesn't have much personality. There's no reason to like Snooki, yet she has captured the hearts of America. The same is true of Noah. Fans of other teams hate Noah and thinks he sucks. But they don't get it. He's not a great scorer, he's not terribly athletic, and he's certainly not attractive, but he is so much better than the sum of his parts. He hustles his ass off, and he has captured the hearts of Chicago Bulls fans. Expect him to be named Defensive Player of the Year.

Derrick Rose - The essential piece of the Chicago Bulls can be summed up in the NBA and MTV terms by three simple letters: M...V...P. Mike, Vinny, and Pauly provided all the entertainment for Season 2 of Jersey Shore, and expect Derrick Rose to do the same for the Chicago Bulls. The parallels are eerie as they were great in season one, but they showed a new swagger in season two. Expect Rose to have that same swagger as he cruises to NBA MVP.

Brian Scalabrine - Fucking worthless like Angelina. Expect him to be released by December.

Kurt Thomas - Thomas is like Derrick from all the challenges. He's gritty as all hell, but he never had the team around him to ever actually pull off the victory. Finally, Derrick won a challenge; expect the same fate for Kurt Thomas this year. Expect him to be NBA's Man of the Year.

C.J. Watson - Since he is backing up MVP, I think the most logical character is Jose from Jersey Shore. Watson also has an affinity for impressing his ladies with the finest of watches that Fossil has to offer, at $59.95, he knows how to treat a lady. Still, if we never see him, that'll mean that our MVP is tearing things up, and that's a good thing. Expect him to team up with Sylvia Fowles of the WNBA's Chicago Sky to win the Two-on-two competition during NBA's All-Star Weekend.

This is either the dumbest or most brilliant article I have ever written.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco just had puppies. Could there be any event more geared towards me in the history of the universe? I doubt it. Take a deep breath before looking at the picture, because it may be an overload of cuteness: