Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.

Miss my teammates except @twintower7264. Wily aybar, @twintower7264, me, tony phillips, joey gathright, chris britton. twitter.com/JoseCanseco/st…
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 6, 2012

Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

@josecanseco NOBODY MISSES U ARROGANT BABY
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 7, 2012

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.

@josemelendez123 get me in that morons @josecanseco podcast. Call me
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 12, 2012

Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.

Is it possible to be unlucky your whole life and lucky the rest of your life.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 10, 2012

Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.

Ozzie Canseco's Twitter Account

I have written about Jose Canseco numerous times on this blog, and by numerous, it appears that he has been in 60 different posts. But Jose Canseco really seems to have things going well for him. He's been in some commercials, and he gets some mild publicity for his stunts like wearing a shirt apologizing to Mark McGwire at a Cardinals-Dodgers game a few weeks ago. As happy as I am for Jose, it makes him pretty boring, because he can't quite stir up the genuine sadness that made his Twitter account so entertaining.

Luckily, I have found my new muse in Jose's twin brother, Ozzie Canseco. Don't be fooled, as he is not the totally lame @OzzieCanseco twitter handle; his twitter handle is @TwinTower7264, and it's amazing. The only problem with his account is that I could literally break down every tweet, because they are all great in their own special way. Let's just start from the beginning and see where this takes us:

i am pound for pound the best power hitter in the world ,just ask bruce mead
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) February 28, 2011

Who the hell is Bruce Mead? I have no idea. This tweet is kind of like me saying, "I'm the most handsome boy in the whole wide world, just ask my Mom." But what's really important about this tweet is that it is one of the very few tweets that are not typed in ALL CAPS. What Ozzie has to say is important, so HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO YELL IT AT YOU.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO ANY SPORT THAT YOU CAN NAME ,I HAVE ALWAYS BED THE BETTER ATHLETE JUST NEVER GOT A REAL CHANCE
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

This is the beginning of him randomly challenging Jose to contests. I was going to say that this happens a surprising amount, but it happens all the time, which is exactly what you would expect from Ozzie Canseco. I especially love the second part where he claims to "bed" better athletes. Jose may have been knockin' boots with Madonna, but Ozzie was gettin' busy with Billie Jean King.

Advantage: Ozzie.

DON,T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO STEP IN A BOXING RINK WITH ME BRO IT WILL BE LIGHTS OUT FOR YOU.
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

You can tell that Ozzie has always wanted to be the best at something. That is why he created a boxing ring and covered it in ice to have a boxing rink. He may be bankrupt, but he is incredible at landing his jab on ice. That's a sound investment in my opinion.

AND FOR ALL YOU JEALOUS HATERS OUT THERE COME AND GET SOME FROM( IRON MAN) BUNCH OF COWARDS THAT LIKE TO HIDE BEHIND A COMPUTER SCREEN
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

YES YOU PUNKS YOU HEARD ME MY REAL NAME IS (IRON MAN) I AM A 48 YEAR OLD PEICE OF STEEL FORGED IN THE HOTTEST FIRE IMAGINABLE
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 12, 2012

Why is he Iron Man? Why is Iron Man in parentheses when he uses it. Why does he need the hottest fire imaginable when any fire hot enough to mold steel should be sufficient? These tweets bring so many questions, but sadly, I'm not sure if we'll ever have the answers.

I AM BY FAR THE BETTER LOOKINGAND WAY YOUNGER LOOKING TWIN WITH A MUCH HOTTER BODY THAN MY BROTHER,
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

HE HAS ALWAYS HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT FACT.ALL OF HIS GIRL FRIENDS HAVE AT SOME POINT AND TIME HIT ON ME AND TRIED TO SLEEP WITH ME
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

STARTING WITH HIS FIRST GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL ANNA MC CARTER.
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 14, 2012

50% of Ozzie's tweets do involve talking shit to Jose. I guarantee that every Thanksgiving, their shit talk slowly escalates until they are nailing each other with Yo Momma jokes without understanding the irony of it all. Also, do you think Jose's girlfriend's name was Anna McCarter or Anna "MC" Carter. I bet she dropped the dopest beats.

HATERS CAM KISS MY ASS
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) March 22, 2012

I'm gonna be honest. I don't know exactly what Haters Cam is, but I think there's a million dollar idea in there somewhere. I call dibs on Copyright of Haters Cam (I'm like 35% sure that's how Copyrights work).

Unfortunately, Ozzie took quite a break from tweeting and only had like 15 tweets since March. Luckily, he came back this past weekend.

I AM 48 YEARS OLD NOW AND STRONGER THAN EVER !
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) October 6, 2012

Yes, you are (IRON MAN).

Finally, I checked out the website that he was promoting on his Twitter account, www.futurestarsbaseball.info.

The website expiring on September 17 is the most Ozzie Canseco thing ever. Whoops, what I meant to say is that it is the most (IRON MAN) thing ever. Keep on keepin' on, (IRON MAN).

Jose Canseco Is Celebrity Boxing Again

As the totally unofficial blog of Jose Canseco, I feel like I need to address the fact that Jose Canseco is getting back in the boxing ring for the first time since his switcheroo boxing controversy, and this time it's going to include MORE Jose Canseco (since last time it included zero Jose Canseco). 

Now, honestly, Jose Canseco's celebrity boxing doesn't interest me all that much. I have known about it for weeks (although he did get a new opponent a few days ago), but it didn't really seem noteworthy to me. But the major sports blogs have been covering it, so I figured I should add a little bit to the conversation.

In his past fighting efforts, Jose has has mixed results, and that mixture has been mostly losses and draws, so I don't think he's quite ready to challenge a Klitschko. But this time, he's got a fight against noneother than Lenny Dykstra. Fomer MLB player, turned financial genius, turned financial idiot, turned awful Dad who wasted his son's signing bonus, turned criminal. As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say, "OH, HELL YEAH!"

Honestly, this match probably won't be entertaining on the face of it, but it does still have entertainment potential. If Jose can obliterate Dykstra, expect hilariously arrogant tweets about it. At the same time, a loss could produce much more hilarious sad tweets from Jose. Jose's sad tweets are comedy gold.

So even though I love Jose Canseco, I'm not so much rooting for him as much as I'm rooting for one of these guys to get their asses kicked. Jose's tweets have been yawn-inducing lately as the best thing he has posted has been a picture of dogs together.

So come on Jose. Stop censoring yourself, and have an impactful fight this weekend. Twitter needs you.

-Joe

P.S. And here is a slideshow during the time that Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau lived together.

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

Jose Canseco Is Back In Baseball

Jose has done it again. He has proved the haters wrong. When he said he wanted to play professional baseball, people laughed at him and said he would never be able to play the game he loved again. When he decided that he could be a great manager if given the opportunity, people told him the only thing he could manage was a steroids cycle.

So what does Jose go out and do? Well, he doesn't become just a player. And he doesn't become just a manager. Yep, Jose Canseco is the player-manager of the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League. To top it off, he found the most trustworthy bench coach/outfielder out there when he hired his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco to help him win a championship.

Haters are going to hate, but Jose never lets them get him down. When he said he would be the first player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a single season, he did it. When he said he was going to save the game of baseball from steroids, he did it. And now, when he said he would play the game he loved again, and someday manage for a team as well, he did it. It's time to stop the Jose hatred, step back, and applaud the man for persevering against all odds.

Congratulations Jose. Now only one question remains. Will a Major League Baseball team try to sign him as a player or a manager first? I think they'd be wise to kill two birds with one Jose.

-Joe

P.S. One person who would never be dumb enough to doubt Jose Canseco is also a man who has better poems than Shakespeare. Yes, here is another amazing video from The Genius:

The Truth About Jose Canseco's Boxing Controversy

Yesterday, I wrote about news reports that surfaced this weekend about a celebrity boxing match that had scheduled Jose Canseco, but instead had Ozzie Canseco show up in his place.  The match was cancelled when the promoted realized that Ozzie was smaller and did not have Jose's distinct tattoos.  At least, this was what was reported by the major news sites. 

Jose claimed that these reports were false, and the promoter, Damon Feldman, was lying to the public about what really happened this weekend.  I attempted to contact Jose by e-mail, but have yet to receive anything in return.  He did tweet that he'd be willing to subject himself to a polygraph test to expose the truth.

And just a little bit ago, I received this press release from his publicist, who I have been in contact with recently.  I have printed it out in its entirety to give people a first look at this document, as I have yet to see it published on any other sites.

JOSE CANSECO CHALLENGES BOXING PROMOTER DAMON FELDMEN TO A POLYGRAPH TEST

For interviews contact:
Nadine Christine
Euphoric Media and PR
323-863-6779
nadine@euphoricent.com

In the throws of dealing with his much beloved father death, Jose Canseco is also facing an onslaught and barrage of negative media surrounding Damon Feldman, a boxing promoter and currently on probation in Pennsylvania  for fixing fights.

On Saturday, March 26th, fans lined up at the Hard Rock in Hollywood, Fl. expecting to see Jose Canseco in a boxing match, when in actuality it was his brother Ozzie Canseco that came in to fight for Jose.  The media is spurning that boxing promoter Damon Feldman “didn’t know it was Ozzie and it was a bait and switch”, when in fact Feldman knew a week before that Jose had thrown his back out and wasn’t able to fight.

Jose called Feldmen to advise him that he was dealing with severe depression regarding his father’s death and had thrown his back out on his way back from Miami, where he laid his father to rest.  “There was absolutely no point and time that Feldmen wasn’t aware that Ozzie was coming in to fight for me” stated Jose.  “I have fought for Feldmen four times before and he knows exactly what I look like and who I am".  Witnesses were in the room with Jose when he called Feldmen to state that he wasn’t able to make it and that the fight should be canceled.  Feldmen then agreed with Canseco to allow his brother to come in and fight for him.

Upon tuning into the fight on ustream.com, Jose heard his name mentioned and immediately called Ozzie and asked what was going on.  At that point the Canseco brothers thought it would be best for Ozzie to leave.  As is the norm with all fighters, security assisted Ozzie out of the hotel.  When Feldmen realized what was happening, he started to spin the negative media surrounding the Canseco brothers because he knew they would be publicly humiliated if he created untrue and ridiculous stories about what truly happened that night.

After all the positive feedback and press that’s been coming around for Jose Canseco because of his participation in “Celebrity Apprentice” and all of the great charity work he has been doing lately, this has really came as a shock.  But for Jose it would seem a normal way of life in the public eye and people will continue to take advantage of negative media to secure themselves, much as Feldmen did in this case.

Canseco is calling out Feldmen on national television. “I know the truth behind what happened and if Feldmen believes his version of the story, he’ll take a polygraph and put these rumors to rest”, stated Jose.

Jose is working on his third book deal “The Truth Hurts” where he reveals so much of the pains and struggle he’s had to deal with as a baseball star and being a celebrity in general and currently in "Celebrity Apprentice".  When asked what he's up to these days, Jose says "It's about keeping it real, keeping the truth, making sure my fans are happy and giving back". 

 ************

So does this settle the matter?  Going by only a press release, it's tough to say.  It's basically one man's word against another man's word.  When taking a closer look at the other side of the situation, Jose's story starts to gain credibility. 

Although Jose is often lambasted in the media, he is a man who doesn't lie to the public to advance his public image. Damon Feldman, on the other hand, is no boy scout.  Perform a Google search on Damon Feldman, and the first story that pops up is him fixing celebrity boxing matches and promoting without a license.  To take this man's word and treat it as the gospel seems like a pretty risky proposition.

Meanwhile, Jose has a history of telling the truth, even when he knows it will hurt his public image.  Although at times, Jose seems desperate for money, the risk of this plan far outweighs the reward.  Jose seems to get a lot of bad publicity for any story involving him, and this story is no exception.  But when you take a step back and look at who you are going to believe, I think the answer is obvious: Jose is telling the truth.

-Joe

P.S. If you are tired of all the negativity towards Canseco, here is a more positive story involving the former slugger.

Jose And Ozzie Canseco Pull A Switcheroo...Or Do They?

It has been quite a while since we last checked in with Jose Canseco.  Between him putting people in their place on Celebrity Apprentice, talking shit to A-Rod, and warning Chuck Liddell that his girlfriend is a scam artist, it's tough to come up with a lot of interesting tweets for his followers.  But fear not, Canseco fans, Jose was back at it this weekend to provide entertainment for all to enjoy.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

let's see who is smart enough to figure out what happened at the boxing match

Boxing match?  The only notable boxing match I knew about was Pacquiao vs. Mosley (because I saw the commercial 100 times this weekend), but that isn't until May.  Wait a minute...you don't think...no, he couldn't have...but maybe...was Jose Canseco in another celebrity boxing match this weekend?  Only with Jose could the answer be both yes and no.  

Jose was scheduled to appear in a celebrity boxing match this weekend in Miami.  According to "news" reports (I put those in parenthesees, because I'm not sure if you consider MSNBC, The Miami Herald, and ESPN news sources), Jose sent his twin brother Ozzie to pose as him for the celebrity boxing match.  The switch was figured out when the Jose that showed up did not have Jose's tattoos and looked smaller than normal. I hate to break it to you, boxing promoter, but these tattoos aren't real.

This promoter must be a real dumbass.

But let's say this is true, that he really sent Ozzie in his place, I would have no choice but to no longer consider him the most awesome human being around.  Instead, I will have to put him in another category, because it is unfair to compare mere human's awesomeness to Jose's.  He attempted to pull off a trick that was made famous by The Killer Bees and perfected by the Olsen Twins.  I can't even begin to put into words how awesome that is, but I know that nothing could ever compare to it.

But is it the truth?  Well, that's a little tougher to know for sure.  Let's look at the evidence.  Jose followed up with these tweets

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

is anyone out there smart enough to figure it out or are you all a bunch of hateful morons

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

how can you haters being so ignorant it's amazing

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I am still waiting for an intelligent scenario

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

by the way e s p n is owned by major league baseball of course they are going to lie

It's clear to me that a bunch of idiots thought that these "news" stories were facts.  But it's just ignorance that would make people believe this.  Nobody could even come up with an intelligent scenario, because they are brainwashed by ESPN.  And don't get caught up with the MLB owning ESPN, because he was not speaking in literal terms.  But MLB has ESPN by the balls, so ESPN will follow MLB's plan to destroy Jose Canseco's life for exposing the truth about steroids in baseball.  And here is yet another piece of evidence.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Be very careful with Damon feldman who runs celebrity boxing he will not pay you if you fight for him

How would Jose know that Damon Feldman did not pay him if he wasn't even there?  The ignorant hater response would be that Ozzie could have just called Jose on his cell phone to tell him about not getting paid.  Unfortunately, that argument is unlikely.  I highly doubt Ozzie can afford a cell phone.  

And finally, Jose's most brilliant tweet of this ordeal.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

just remember the media is write 20 percent of 50 percent of the time

Does this mean that the media is only right 10% of the time?  Maybe.  But more likely, it means that the media only does what one would consider writing 10% of the time.  Coming from someone that is writing his THIRD book, I think anyone who isn't a total hater will give credence to his opinion. 

If there's one thing that Jose stands for, it's the truth.  So why would he deceive people?  Can you explain that one to me, Mainstream Media?  No, you can't, because no matter how much you haters lie about him, Jose will rise above it all to show us the truth.

UPDATE: Jose's side of the story revealed.

-Joe

P.S.  I e-mailed Jose to get his side of the story.  Since we have a ton of mutual respect for each other's work, I'm sure he will try to get back to me, but things are crazy right now so he was unable to respond at the time of publication.  I will be sure to post Jose's response when he finds the time to e-mail me back.

P.P.S.  To help prove Jose's remark about the media, this may be the dumbest article I have ever read, and it is in one of the most well-respected newspapers in the country.