Thursday, November 12, 2015

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About XArm?

Consider yourselves failures. You should all be embarrassed. To let something like this slip through the cracks for YEARS. That's right, not days or months but YEARS. Oh, here's XArm, possibly the greatest sports innovation since Slamball, and you all let it slip through the cracks? Come on, you are all better than that. What is XArm? Oh, my friend, do I have a treat for you.

XArm is extreme arm wrestling. It is stupid and AMAZING. How do you make arm wrestling any more extreme than it already is? I'm glad you asked. First, you strap the two opponents together around the wrist so they are locked into an arm wrestling position. Then, you chain them to the arm wrestling table so they are basically stuck in about the space of a phone booth together. That's kind of badass, but not totally extreme. But let's get to the best part. You allow each person to beat the shit out of their opponent.

Once you add in that last factor, the arm wrestling barely matters, because focusing on pinning somebody's wrist loses a lot of its relevance if that guy is repeatedly punching you in the face. I think this XArm battle may do the best job of acting as the embodiment of the sport.

Before we even get to the contest, I'd just like to point out that this between a guy named Aaron Sawyers, who, yeah, if I had to guess what that guy would do in his free time, I would have definitely guessed XArm contests. And his opponent? Buck Acosta. God damn, that is a perfect name for this sport. Like, that's so perfect that I think the final two choices for what to name this was Buck Acosta and XArm, and XArm only won on a coin flip.

The first round gives you just a taste of the action, and it somehow ends in a pin. I think somebody's arm got pinned, because I think there is arm wrestling in this sport, but before the video starts, it says the only ways to win are knockout, submission, and judges decision. Also, I get absolutely jacked for each round with the dubstep music.

But the second round is where we see the true potential of this amazing endeavor. Sawyers decides that he's bigger and should be able to win a battle of strength against Acosta, so he wants to go for straight arm wrestling. Buck Acosta hilariously just starts throwing nonstop right hooks at Sawyers who just tries to cover up until he finally just quits since he has no answer and no escape since he is both attached to Acosta and a table.

This sport is so totally awesome that my mind is near its breaking point. If you're not convinced, well first off, you're clearly a moron, but second, I think this will change your mind.
Just some 260 pound Dad straight up going for an armbar. God, I can't believe how awesome this sport is.

This is not a sport for the feint of heart. This is a sport for men, especially stupid men, most likely Dads. I want to have a kid just so I can enter. This will be my life. This is my destiny.

I love you, XArm.

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