Monday, December 14, 2015

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Weird Sex Lives

Since there were children staying with us a couple weeks ago, I got to learn about a few things that I would not have regularly been exposed to. The most prominent of these things is the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's actually got some decent storylines, and I do like the intro music. There's just one problem: The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon TOTALLY promotes bestiality (and other weird stuff too).

The very first episode they establish that mutant turtle-human relations should be as sexy as possible as Donatello immediately develops a huge crush on a teenage April O'Neil. This is what Donatello is willing to go to prison for (And yeah, if a mutant turtle has sex with a teenage girl, I will 100% guarantee that he is going to prison).

OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH! If you like gingers with skinny knees and extreme cankles, then this is the gal for you.

As bad as mutant turtle-human relations are, at least they are both good people who are fighting for the same cause. Leonardo wants to fuck Shredder's daughter.
The question becomes whether she is goth, emo, or a vamp kid. Leonardo is the leader of the turtles, so he should at least try to pursue a cheerleader, or I don't know, maybe he should go for an actual turtle, although I guess that would be weird too.

Then we move onto Raphael who is asexual, as he only gets a boner for violence. You know those weird porno movies where it's not even about sex, it's more just about demeaning someone...wait, you don't? Uh, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if these existed, this is what Raphael would be into. He'd make Two Girls One Cup look like The Lego Movie.

Michaelangelo is clearly into some weird shit as well, as he doesn't love pizza, he is IN love with pizza. He is also IN love with video games and probably a lot of other inanimate objects. Luckily, they gave him the brain of a 3-year-old, so he probably just gets out his sexual aggression by awkwardly tugging at his dick.

As for Splinter, he was just an old dude who got into the ooze, and then somehow turned into a rat, because one was nearby? I'm guessing they were going for a situation like the movie The Fly, but from what they showed, it didn't look like the rat even got in the ooze. It was weird. But that brings up an interesting point. What should Splinter have sex with? He definitely has the most right to try to have sex with human women, although I don't think he should be competing with his proteges for teenage girls. I mean, he definitely shouldn't be banging rats, but I don't know why else he would live in the sewer when he could just frequent Furry Conventions.

Holy shit. That's perfect. They should all become Furries, because honestly, that would be less weird than what they are currently doing. 

In the world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Furries is the new normal.


  1. FreedomPop is the only ABSOLUTELY FREE mobile communications provider.

    With voice, text & data plans priced at £0.00/month.

    1. Freedom isn't free, and neither is cell phone data.