The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Weird Sex Lives

Since there were children staying with us a couple weeks ago, I got to learn about a few things that I would not have regularly been exposed to. The most prominent of these things is the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's actually got some decent storylines, and I do like the intro music. There's just one problem: The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon TOTALLY promotes bestiality (and other weird stuff too).

The very first episode they establish that mutant turtle-human relations should be as sexy as possible as Donatello immediately develops a huge crush on a teenage April O'Neil. This is what Donatello is willing to go to prison for (And yeah, if a mutant turtle has sex with a teenage girl, I will 100% guarantee that he is going to prison).

OH YEEEEEAAAAAAH! If you like gingers with skinny knees and extreme cankles, then this is the gal for you.

As bad as mutant turtle-human relations are, at least they are both good people who are fighting for the same cause. Leonardo wants to fuck Shredder's daughter.

The question becomes whether she is goth, emo, or a vamp kid. Leonardo is the leader of the turtles, so he should at least try to pursue a cheerleader, or I don't know, maybe he should go for an actual turtle, although I guess that would be weird too.

Then we move onto Raphael who is asexual, as he only gets a boner for violence. You know those weird porno movies where it's not even about sex, it's more just about demeaning someone...wait, you don't? Uh, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if these existed, this is what Raphael would be into. He'd make Two Girls One Cup look like The Lego Movie.

Michaelangelo is clearly into some weird shit as well, as he doesn't love pizza, he is IN love with pizza. He is also IN love with video games and probably a lot of other inanimate objects. Luckily, they gave him the brain of a 3-year-old, so he probably just gets out his sexual aggression by awkwardly tugging at his dick.

As for Splinter, he was just an old dude who got into the ooze, and then somehow turned into a rat, because one was nearby? I'm guessing they were going for a situation like the movie The Fly, but from what they showed, it didn't look like the rat even got in the ooze. It was weird. But that brings up an interesting point. What should Splinter have sex with? He definitely has the most right to try to have sex with human women, although I don't think he should be competing with his proteges for teenage girls. I mean, he definitely shouldn't be banging rats, but I don't know why else he would live in the sewer when he could just frequent Furry Conventions.

Holy shit. That's perfect. They should all become Furries, because honestly, that would be less weird than what they are currently doing. 

In the world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Furries is the new normal.

A Man's Guide To "The Nutcracker"

Since I am a man of great substance and culture, I went to the ballet over the weekend. Now many out there may call me a Nancy Boy for this action, but, um...shit, I was really hoping to have a comeback for that. Anyway, going to the ballet is a good way to impress a lady, so it's maybe, kind of, somewhat justifiable. 

I sat there intently as I actually learned many things from "The Nutcracker." It would be a disservice to the world if I kept these things to myself, so today, I would like to share my thoughts so that other men will know what they are in store for when going to "The Nutcracker." 

My only experience with ballet up to this point was the Saved By The Bell where the guys filled in at the last second so they wouldn't have to cancel things. Obviously, like all things SBTB, hilarity ensued. Screech dressed up like a giant bird, but everybody else was in leotards. Because of this, I assumed everyone would be in identical leotards throughout every ballet. Looking back, I realize this was not my most sophisticated thought, but this is what happens when your only point of reference is SBTB. I also can't stop time by saying "Timeout" which is another thing I found out the hard way. So although there are some leotards, there's a lot more variety than that.

Now onto the actual ballet. The first thing that will piss you off at the ballet (at least this performance) was that the ballerinas were mouthing words but not saying anything. If you are going to mouth things, you might as well just say it, because we have the technology for people to be heard. Either do a better job of acting, or just say that you want to punch your sister in the throat. 

The plot starts with a party where all these greedy kids want presents. They don't get presents for a while, until a magician comes along. The reason I believe he is a magician is that he wore a cape with lining on the inside that looked like a quilt. He didn't do any magic, but he did give presents from a giant treasure chest. Not only did his presents suck (half of them were just giant candy canes), but he only gave presents to like 40% of the kids. What an asshole.

Finally, he gives this girl a Nutcracker. Yep, that is another shitty present, but she's excited, so maybe she has some form of mental retardation. Immediately, two other kids break the thing. It gets fixed really poorly by The Magician, and then without explanation, it shows up again, and it's back to normal. 

The girl then dances around rat children for a while for no apparent reason. Then she puts her nutcracker in a magic shed, and he turns into a human-sized nutcracker, which is goddamned terrifying. Seriously, imagine this thing as a human coming at you:

Fuck that. There is no toy in the world that looks more like a rapist than this one. So I'm thinking this thing needs to be killed, and luckily there is a Rat King out there who is pulling this girl in because I think he wants to eat her for strength. I'm still rooting for the Rat King, because he kind of reminds me of Master Splinter, and I will cheer for anything that will kill this life-sized Nutcracker. Rat King and Nuts (my nickname for Nutcracker) get in a sword fight and Rat King basically owns him. Nuts plays dead like a total bitch, and when Rat King turns his back, he stabs him in the back. So now the rat children who I assume to be a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nobody to teach them ways to kill Nuts, so they mourn and disappear forever.

Afterwards, Nuts turns into a regular human, and they dance around a lot until intermission.

A lot of things happened before intermission, which is good, because very little, and I mean practically nothing happens plot-wise in the second half of this. It's really just a bunch of dancing in the second half. I couldn't even make up a coherent plotline from the dancing, because it looked like someone with ADD decided to have a dance party, but no theme for the dance party, so people just take turns showing off their moves.

The highlight of the second half was this dude who kept almost hitting wrestling moves on his lady dance partner. He nearly nailed her with a piledriver, but chose not to. Then he had her up for the torture rack, but decided against it. Finally, as he went off stage, he had her up for a Razor's Edge, so I'll just assume that he put her through a table with that one, but it was too gruesome for the children in the audience to watch.

And then anywhere from one to eight people take turns dancing, and the crowd applauds everything. It's absolutely outrageous. If this were a basketball game, they would applaud every time someone dribbled without turning the ball over. Ballet crowds are extremely easy to please. 

And really, that's all that happened in the second half. Lots of dancing. Eventually, our nightmare ends when Nuts turns back into his original nutcracking form, and the ballerinas proceed to bow for a good five minutes. 

Although I would not recommend "The Nutcracker" to other men, I will say that the ballet and I have two things in common. We can be completely ridiculous, and chicks dig us. 

Now please stop calling me a Nancy Boy.

-Joe

P.S. To masculine up this post, here is a picture from @Si_Vault of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T:

I'm not sure what's most ridiculous: The weight belts? Hulk's socks? Mr. T's shoes? I'd probably go with the weight belts. That look definitely needs to come back.